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My character Twitchy in the all musical version of We Be Goblins sang her love for another character, our hapless goblin barbarian, Ronk.
We ended the adventure aboard a pirate ship, and as one of the other characters is a goblin pirate, we elected her Captain so that she can marry us and make us 'Mates'.
My only issue is... I have no idea what might go into a low-budget in-game goblin wedding officiated by a gobliny pirate captain and where the best man is a slug-loving druid. We want to do the ceremony and then move on to our next adventure, We Be Goblins Too.
The internet has failed me on relevant goblin mating ceremonies, so I'm turning to all of you. Help two crazy goblins find the path to true love!
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So... I am trying to figure out appropriate ideas based on how goblins act in the Pathfinder Universe.
I know from Ten Fun Facts about Goblins that goblins are psychopaths with short attention spans. I know from running various gobliny adventures that goblin babies are kept in cages because even their own parents can't deal with them. I always figured that goblin mating ceremonies would involve lots of biting and ADHD.
But I also want this to be a meaningful experience.
So here's what I have so far:
- We need the ceremony to be short for short attention spans.
- We need an exchange of vows and gifts.
- We need things to explode.
We have found a huge batch of fireworks, having just completed our mission, but we haven't brought them back. I'm wondering if instead of lighting a unity candle we can light a unity firework. Or multiple fireworks and show out great love in the sky.
BOOM!
If you have ideas for good gobliny gifts -- dead rats, pickled bugs, dangerous potions, please let me know. Same deal with vows. Bonus points for the pirate factor. And explosions.
Hmm
I'd suggest you glance over at this interesting blog post from Scott Adams, the guy who writes Dilbert: http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/writing-funny.html
He talks about how to write humor. It should give you a good starting point for your work.
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Have the goblins have some traditions like we have in many of today's modern religious practices:
1. Light the single joint candle with their individual candles changed to light the giant firework with single fireworks (this needs to be done quickly or boom in your hand)
2. Stomp on a glass to break it changed to stomp on a thunderstone
3. release doves changed to release doves to be shot out of the air using any kind of pyrotechnics
4. throw rice changed to throwing snap pops
5. the toast adding a lust and fertility elixir as the drink that makes it a real party and possible mating/breeding repercussions making for some awesome and crazy storylines for the future
6. Instead of exchanging rings exchanging piercings or piercing each other (feel free to make this as dirty as you want it.)
7. fire walking
8. joke gifts that go boom like jokey smurf
9...
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Why is Twitchy talking to little blue man? is he tasty? And why are there voice? Twitchy did Vorka really die or did she win? I am hearing things...
"Yeah, that TPK guy looks tasty, but he also has some awesome ideas. Let's let him talk, and then we eat him!"
"I am Twitchy Boom Boom and I belong
Meshed with Ronk in goblin song
We'll blow things up, set huge fires
Fulfilling pyrotechnic desires
We'll dine on long shank and aging rats
(Rhapsodize about our awesome hats)
True goblin love can not be denied
We'll murder hobo, side-by-side!"
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Pop a bomb into the traditional flower ball that you toss over into the crowd.
Figure a way to spread honeydust in the air of the wedding venue.
Dunk Ronk overboard then fish him up before the wedding.
Rig the nuptial bedroom with caltrops. Points for rigging a trap so that alchemist fire drops from the celling upon door being opened (for friends of the bride and groom to do).
If you could get your hands on some Numerian fluid(stuff is pricy though) there could be some kind of drinking challenge.
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any goblins injured or killed in the festivities.
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Ronk can has opinions! The booms are important, very important! And Ronk should get a kitty. Twitchy has a bird so Ronk needs something to ride into battle and out of the river.
So we need ideas for the what the Officiant can do. She is a pirate, after all. If she's officiating, she needs to do something that looks important. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that can be done with the ship itself.
We have masts. We have acrobatics. I wonder if the officiant can swing in on a rope, Errol Flynn style. Or is that too silly? Wait a minute. We're planning a pirate goblin wedding for our gaming characters.... Nothing's off the table here!
As for decorations: we have all sorts of weird witchy doo dads and human asian artifacts lying around from the villain we defeated. There must be something cool we can do with these.
Twitchy looks at Ronk and whispers, "Are you sure? Remember what you did to Squealy... Then again, this cat looks like he a bit tougher than the demon pig. Maybe he last a little longer."
Twitchy strokes the cat behind the ears. "Mort, you very smart. Will you be my Ronk's battle mount?"
"Good kitty!"
Everything explodes in the end, resulting in tpk.
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"Can't happen. We already ate the TPK guy."
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Forgot to mention, you were supposed to use this for your flower ball:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rafflesia
I suppose your whisper to Ronk is in goblin, so I won't bother rolling perception as I don't understand goblin.
Also, technically the handle animal should be at a +5, since the animal companion link won't apply.
Mort meows, and starts sniffing around Twitchy curiously.
Leopard stats:
http://www.d20pfsrd.com/bestiary/monster-listings/animals/cat-great/leopard
Alternate Stat block:
Assume as if creating a new PC.
Using Skinwalker Fanglord Variant heritage - assuming I'm permanently in Leopard form:
Mort (Lv 3 Skinwalker (Fanglord) hexcrafter):
str 14, dex 12, con 13, int 15, wis 8, Cha 12
HP: 24
AC:
Saves
Fort: +4
Ref: +2
Will: +2
Traits: Wayang Spellhunter (frostbite), Reactionary (damnit, why does everyone want a leopard pelt..)
Mort gains levels as a hexcrafter, and qualifies for natural spell as if she met all the prerequisites - sorry, its next to impossible to play a 2/3rd spellcasting class with paws :P
Lv 1 feat: Natural Spell
Lv 3 feat: Rime Spell
Lv 3 Magus Arcana: Familiar (Oxpecker - Use Thrush stats - valet archtype)
Was thinking that since I don't have hands, my spellbook is my Oxpecker, like a witch.
Languages (can speak): Common , Tien, Draconic, Cat?
Attacks per round: Up to GM to determine if I actually get 2 attacks as per skinwalker table or leopard. Don't really care either way.
Item slots: Barding, Amulet, Headband, Belt, Cloak and the usual saddle and saddlebags thing.
Size: For GM to determine, but unless Ronk has undersized mount feat, he needs a medium mount
Skills:
+ 5 perception
+ 5 acrobatics
+ 5 climb
+ 5 intimidate
+ 5 spellcraft
+ 5 knowledge arcana
+ 5 knowledge planes
+ 5 knowledge dungeoneering
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Forgot to mention, you were supposed to use this for your flower ball:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rafflesia
I suppose your whisper to Ronk is in goblin, so I won't bother rolling perception as I don't understand goblin.
Also, technically the handle animal should be at a +5, since the animal companion link won't apply.
Mort meows, and starts sniffing around Twitchy curiously.
** spoiler omitted **
Alternate Stat block:
** spoiler omitted **
Twitchy's Handle Animal skill is +9 without the Animal Companion Link. She rolls a +13 on Fluffer. She took Clever Wordplay to get a decent Handle Animal skill. :)
Nice Kitty!
Hmm
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Ah, I see.
You need to chop off the heads of the dogs, horse, spider (hope you kept it), vorka's head, preserve it in pickles, hang it on the rigging.
Also, for dramatic entrances consider Pirates of the Carribean:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODXfOmtse_A
You'd need the cannon on shore though, hurl rope onto the rigging of the of the ship then use the cannon's recoil to send the goblin onto the ship.
There may be other rigging shenanigans in those movies.
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"As official best man, Gurp think this mating party need more slugs. Gurp say we fill cauldron with mud and slugs! We take best swamp bath in it!"
Twitchy takes notes -- not scary words that steal words out of your head, but nice safe, drawings. "One cauldron filled with mud and slugs for the best man. Check."
For after the honeymoonread all about goblin pregnancy and child care here (in a great in character fan article)
Please post the goblin wedding. I would love to hear how it played out.
So we need ideas for the what the Officiant can do. She is a pirate, after all. If she's officiating, she needs to do something that looks important. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that can be done with the ship itself.
Rather than burn down a landlubber's house, how about an enemy's ship? Give them a few drugged barrels of ale to make them sleep. Then sneak onto their ship in the middle of the night. When the unity bomb is lit, toss it into the middle of the ship. Meanwhile the guests use fireworks to set fire to the ship. As it burns do a line dance chanting a suitable song, as you all dance off the ship letting it burn down behind you. Bonus points if you get any good booty while there.
/cevah