Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
|
The Cliffs of Shattered Glass is an adventure designed for four 16th level characters, who should be able to advance to 17th level by the conclusion of the adventure.
Executive Summary: Traveling to a remote but opulent pleasure palace, PCs become embroiled in a power struggle between rival genies, uncovering a web of spying, corruption, and a diabolic conspiracy that threatens to explode into a major crisis.
Adventure Background: The Hills of Zuril in western Osirion were changed forever seven centuries ago, when the Ifthikarud (“purifying spear of fate”) fell from the heavens, shattering the land and fusing sand and stone to glass by the heat and force of its impact. In time, nature began to heal itself; soil and sand, root and leaf gradually returned to Zuril, fed by natural springs once deeply buried but broken open in the cataclysm. Even so, glazed cliff faces sheer and smooth, tumbled and broken crystalline spires, and vitrified ‘lakes’ of rippled glass still bear mute testimony to the fury of the heavens, giving these hills their common name, the Cliffs of Shattered Glass. Sages speculate that the starfall may have resonated throughout the planes, as the Hills of Zuril are honeycombed with natural portals to the Ethereal Plane (and perhaps to other planes as well). Here, where fires from the sky brought forth waters from the earth, where the veil between worlds was thinned, the jann of Osirion discovered a home that embodied their fourfold nature as children of all elements and none, and they claimed it for their own. Few outsiders were welcomed, though rarely the jann would share the marvelous healing powers of the Pools of Ifkihar. Otherwise, Zuril remained shrouded in mystery.
This changed a century ago, when a greedy and devious jann cleric named Mahurkar Zaid convinced his fellows to build the Alcazar, a pleasure palace by the mystic pools. It would be a monument to the wealth and pride of the genie race, and a place where others could bask in their reflected glory for a moment, and for a price. Secretly, he also sought to draw rich and powerful folk from many lands, to ply them with entertainment and diversions while he and his underlings drew forth their secrets and sold them to the highest bidder. The marvelous edifice was completed, though Zaid did not live to see it, poisoned by a rival mere days before the grand opening.
Mahurkar Zaid, however, always planned ahead and had made a deal with the archdevil Mephistopheles. He was assured of power, wealth, everlasting life, and that he would become master of a matchless network of spies. Further, his contract stipulated that Mephistopheles could never claim his immortal soul. Mephistopheles was as good as his word: Zaid was revived, and after taking vengeance upon his rival he implemented his plans. His spying network flourished and he quickly grew in influence, becoming essentially the ‘shadow emir’ of Zuril.
Of course, not even the cleverest genie can out-bargain an archdevil. Mahurkar Zaid found his body began to betray him, his immortal flesh decaying to reveal the corruption within. While his soul remained his own, that soul burned with an unquenchable emptiness. His undying hunger could be appeased (but never satisfied) by stealing and devouring the most precious secrets of others, their very souls, he became both prince and parasite.
Beyond this cruel joke, the archdevil had a special task for Zaid. Mephistopheles revealed that the Pools of Ifhikar derived their healing powers from a planar portal to the life-giving waters of heaven. Zaid’s task was to invert that portal into a gateway to Mephistopheles’ realm in Hell. His devils could then usurp and perfect what the jann had begun, combining the stolen secrets with their powers of illusion, teleportation, and malign cunning to commence an onslaught of blackmail, sedition, betrayal, and corruption the likes of which Golarion had never seen. Nations quietly reeling from this subversive assault would be ripe for infiltration and conquest. Using Zuril as a staging area for his hellspawned legions, cloaked from prying eyes, they would suspect nothing until their doom was upon them. Zaid’s task is now almost complete.
Adventure Hooks: The party could have several reasons for traveling to exotic Zuril.
1. PCs are asked to help root out traitors on their nation’s (or guild’s) high council. They are passing state secrets to enemy contacts at the Alcazar. PCs are to visit simultaneously and investigate, capturing the traitor and contacts.
2. PCs hear stories about the legendary luxury and pampering at the Alcazar, a true ‘garden of earthly delights.’ They may be invited by wealthy or noble allies, choose to visit themselves, or be offered a visit there as a reward from a previous adventure.
3. Ordinary mundane and magical efforts to cure a virulent plague have failed, but the legendary healing waters of the Pools of Ifhikar may hold the key. PCs must visit the jann who guard the pools and persuade them to allow outsiders to visit the pools.
Cast of Characters
Primary villain: Mahurkar Zaid, NE male devourer Clr13
Secondary villains:
Battu the Insatiable, N Gargantuan advanced ghost bulette (ravager of the Oasis of Korsandi)
Hamza Myur, LE female rakshasa Sor 5 (Mistress of the Pleasure Pits) (posing as doppelganger)
Jainul Abdeen, LE male jann Rog2/Asn9 (contender for emir)
Jugurtha, LE female ancient blue dragon wyrmskull (see Monsters, unliving library of Mahurkar’s secrets, guards Mahurkar's lair)
Khilmager, LE male ice devil (demoted pit fiend, bound to Zaid and assigned to keep an eye on Jainul, disguised with veil as a jann bodyguard of Jainul)
Other NPCs:
Syrinsa, N female jann Brd8 (courtesan)
Tigran Idjadi, N Large male advanced jann Ftr4 (contender for emir)
Riva Choucair, N female jann Rog6 (contender for emir)
numerous wealthy aristocrats and merchants (experts) from different countries, few if any with PC class levels (e.g., Senator Ariquistain of Cheliax (NE human male Ari8), caravan master Anwar Kadouri of Osirion (LN human male Exp7)).
Other featured creatures:
Devils (bone, hellcat) (diabolic minions)
Doppelgangers (‘versatile’ staff of the Pleasure Pits)
Jann (guests and staff)
Spectres (undead guards)
Zurin griffons (mounts for the jann, see Monsters)
Adventure Outline:
Part I: A Shift in the Sands
1. The Oasis of Korsandi – Could include overland desert travel, but at this level teleportation is almost assumed as the standard mode of transport. Treaties with the jann forbid teleporting directly into their lands. The small oasis town of Korsandi outside the hills is the ‘gateway’ to visiting Zuril.
2. Battu the Insatiable (EL 13) – A Gargantuan ghost bulette (with a talisman of the spirit claw (see magic below)) has ravaged the town, having followed adventurers who brought parts of his petrified remains here as trophies. He still lurks about the town, stalking and savaging anything that moves. He pines for the return of his remains but unable to move them himself. If defeated, PCs have 24 hours to determine the cause of his attack (talk to survivors, use divinations or speak with dead) before he rejuvenates and returns to attack again. Survival checks or divinations can find his resting place to return the stolen remains and lay his spirit to rest. His talisman can be taken without arousing his ghost. The encounter is not related to the rest of the plot but foreshadows undead and ethereal/incorporeal opponents.
3. The Cliffs of Shattered Glass (EL variable) – PCs told that many guests have gone through lately, but no jann have come back in the last few days. Still, suggest daring the hills without jann is dangerous. PCs travel through the natural wonders of the enchanted Hills of Zuril, either alone (DC 30 Survival to avoid getting lost) or with a guide (jann or otherwise). During daylight in Zuril, non-natives are dazzled and natural heat effects are increased one step. Magically, illusions and spells which block or ward against divination or teleportation are enhanced (extended and widened); spells that help find a person, place, or object are impeded (Spellcraft DC 20 + spell level to cast).
30-mile trip (8 hours on horse or camelback, 4 by griffon) from Korsandi to the Alcazar. Wandering monsters (Zurin griffons, ethereal filchers and marauders, phase spiders), including jann (hostile if no jann accompany PCs). PCs arrive and take in the fabulous luxury of the Alcazar.
Part II: A Most Dangerous Game
1. The lap of luxury (EL variable) PCs can sample the delights of the Alcazar individually or can mingle with rich and powerful NPCs from many nations, talking (and using diplomacy, gather information, etc.) with other guests. Scrying and many divinations are blocked by a permanent private sanctum effect, so conversation and role-playing are needed. Gambling is a popular activity – play out a few modern or fantasy games of chance, or PCs may use Profession (gambler) or a combined check of Bluff/Sense Motive (taking the lower roll), or Sleight of Hand to cheat (opposed by Spot). They will attract NPC attention, especially if winning or losing large sums.
2. Prelude to a kiss (EL 12) Jainul invites a PC to come to the pools with him for conversation (and perhaps more). While at the pools, 2 invisible jann Asn5 astride Zurin griffons shower the pools with glassy shards and try to kill Jainul and any companion. Assassins hired by Tigran (actually by Khilmager impersonating him). Jainul, thankful for assistance in saving his life, invites PCs as personal guests to attend high-stakes tournament later for the emirate. PCs are offered upgrade to royal suite and VIP privileges, griffons are banned from the grounds.
Syrinsa talks with other PCs, says to be careful of Jainul and also of the Pleasure Pits, suspecting Hamza of involvement in any dirty dealings.
3. The most dangerous game (EL 12) – The jann leaders play a series of games of chance and skill, with the winner being named emir. For rescuing Jainul, PCs are invited to play as guests in all but the final game. Jainul wins and will be named emir the following night at a great banquet. After winning, he exposes Tigran as the one behind his attackers earlier. Tigran tries to flee and must be captured without killing. Under questioning, he admits guilt (modify memory by Jainul implanted the memory that he did hire the assassins).
Part III: Through a Glass Darkly
1. The Pleasure Pits (EL 16) – PCs confront the Mistress of the Pleasure Pits, Hamza Myur. Freely admits culling information from loose-lipped patrons but denies sharing it. If attacked, her doppelgangers and jann will rally to her aid (but will flee if her rakshasa nature is exposed). She will surrender rather than fight to the death. Under compulsion or interrogation, she admits that the Pleasure Pits form a ‘hole’ within the private sanctum effect, so her servants routinely read the minds of their clients, as well as using ordinary conversation or persuasion to uncover secrets. Hamza collects the information and passes most on to jann who give correct pass-phrases. Believes they work for Riva, Tigran, and Jainul, and buyers are often magically disguised. Khilmager comes to collect information also. Hamza reveals that Jainul has a secret patron supporting him whom she is sure is collecting the information.
2. Prelude to a kill (EL 16) - If PCs ask too many questions, Mahurkar orders Jainul to destroy them. He also orders Syrinsa taken and brought to him, and he absorbs her soul into himself (PCs may rescue her later when they confront the devourer). Khilmager sets up the ambush with a false message from Syrinsa claiming to have found damning evidence to discredit Jainul and prevent him from becoming emir, but she does not know whom else to trust. At the meeting spot, Jainul (disguised and masked) ambushes with his hellcats under greater invisibility[/b] (and an [i]unholy aura from Khilmager). Jainul will flee if the battle turns against him or his identity is revealed.
Separately, Mahurkar nears completion of his inversion of the gate that will open a portal to hell. Khilmager summons a contingent of 8 bone devils. Jugurtha renews veil to disguise them as jann.
3. A night of triumph (EL 16) – Jainul proceeds with his coronation banquet and is named emir. PCs attempting to discredit him may make opposed Diplomacy checks, with bonuses for revealing his violation of hospitality by spying (and attacking PCs). During debate (or banquet, if no debate), Khilmager receives sending from Mahurkar that the gate is complete, then snatches the emir’s circlet from Jainul’s head and snaps it in two, activating a dimensional lock in the hall to prevent jann from escaping ethereally. Bone devils seal the room physically with wall of ice to seal the room so no humans escape. Khilmager announces change in leadership; he and bone devils will bind prisoners with diabolic contracts and kill any who refuse.
Jainul realizes he has been betrayed and will tell the PCs about Mahurkar and his secret lair in the Ethereal Plane, as well as how to access the natural gates leading there. He will also tell them that he is a trickster and bound to devils, so to expect deception and illusion, and that Syrinsa was taken and given to him. Jainul should probably dramatically perish in the battle. Khilmager will attempt retreat if faced with death.
4. Through a glass darkly (2 encounters, EL 13, EL 19) – Following Jainul’s instructions, PCs surviving the devil battle in the banquet hall can use the natural portal. However, the portal is guarded by a symbol of stunning and symbol of weakness and by 6 spectres commanded to attack any living creature (other than devils).
Past these guardians into the Ethereal, PCs confront a bewildering landscape of glittering trees and pools (combined hallucinatory terrain and screen) from which Mahurkar and Jugurtha ambush them. The undead are protected by forbiddance and a desecrated shrine to Mephistopheles. PCs can see Syrinsa’s spirit trapped inside Mahurkar’s chest; she can be freed by limited wish, wish, miracle, or banishment. Khilmager will be here if he survives. Monsters will not flee.
A magical orb (hidden by screen) controls the gate inversion. If destroyed within 24 hours, the natural heavenly portal will be restored; if not, the gate to Mephistopheles’ plane will become permanent. The orb is nearly indestructible (break enchantment or dispel evil or rod of cancellation vs. CL20 shatters its protective aura, allowing physical destruction; wish, miracle, or disjunction will shatter the orb). Its destruction causes a devastating explosive backlash on the Ethereal Plane; PCs returning to the Material within 1 minute avoid the blast.
Aftermath
If PCs succeed, the Alcazar is freed from its shadow emir and his diabolic allies, the spying ring is destroyed (and its repository of secrets destroyed with Jugurtha), and the hellish threat averted (though PCs gain the attention and enmity of an archdevil). Riva Choucair is named emira and grants the PCs lifetime privileges to visit the Alcazar and the Pools of Ifhikar as honored guests whenever the wish. If hired to uncover traitors or destroy the spying ring, PCs may receive appropriate rewards from their patrons at home.
Appendix 1: Magic
Pools of Ifhikar (magical location): Any creature soaking in the steaming waters of the pools for at least one hour gains the benefits of a heroes’ feast spell and begins to regain hit points and lost limbs as if wearing a ring of regeneration. However, exposure to the heated mineral springs of the pool for more than 1 minute causes a creature to become exhausted on leaving the pool. Each hour after the first, a DC 15 Fortitude save (+2 DC each additional hour) is needed to avoid unconsciousness (and potential drowning).
Strong conjuration; CL 20th.
Talisman of the Spirit Claw: This amulet confers the ghost touch property on the wearer’s unarmed strikes and/or natural weapons.
Moderate conjuration; CL 9th; Craft Wondrous Item, plane shift; Price 9,000 gp.
Appendix 2: Monsters
Griffon, Zurin (CR 6): Zurin griffons have pale, smooth, translucent (and very nearly transparent) flesh and feathers, almost colorless save for their piercing golden eyes, making them difficult to see clearly from a distance (+4 racial bonus to Hide checks, 20% miss chance for ranged attacks). Though delicate in appearance, the feathers of a zurin griffon are strong and sharp as crystal razors. Zurin griffons may make slashing wing attacks (treat as rakes with the augmented critical ability) when making a full attack or pounce attack. In addition, once per day zurin griffons can loose their crystalline feathers in a tinkling hail of glassy shards (20-ft. cone, 3d6 slashing damage, Reflex half (DC 17), plus the area treated as spike growth (DC 17) for 1 hour). The feathers of a zurin griffon usually crumble into pale sand after being apart from the creature for an hour, but occasionally travelers in the hills of Zurin will come across a lone crystal feather. Possible alternate names: Zuringan, Zurinion, Stymphalion.
Wyrmskull (template): A rare form of undead crafted from the skull of a dead dragon, recalling its spirit and binding it within. A wyrmskull retains its natural intelligence, skills, and feats, though some may be useless in its skull form. Wyrmskulls retain all supernatural and spell-like abilities (except for polymorph/alternate form); however, they cannot speak or cast spells. Telepathic communication works, and speak with dead or detect thoughts can obtain answers to questions; dragons with illusion spell-like abilities can use those to duplicate speech. A wyrmskull is treated as a creature two size categories smaller than the dragon from which it was created (adjusting statistics as appropriate) and loses all natural attacks except its bite (base bite damage is not reduced for size decrease). Type becomes undead but BAB and saves are unchanged. Wyrmskulls have no Constitution score. A wyrmskull can fly magically (20 feet, good maneuverability). CR adjustment is -1 for wyrmling to young dragons, -2 for juvenile to mature adult, -3 for old or older.
Kobold Press
|
I had a perfectly good writeup in detail, and the board ate it. This version will necessarily be shorter.
Jason, you've got some good elements here, like the ghost bulette and the use of a devourer baddie, and Mephistopheles as a power behind the throne. All of those are good times, but I think the proportion of them is off, and the proposal's pacing is bad.
The hooks are where I start to wonder about the handling of intrigue here (are the PCs stopping a plague or investigating traitors? Those are two quite different adventures). I'm not clear on who all the NPCs are and what their goals are; "contender for emir" is not quite enough for a scheming adventure. I need clearer goals for these guys, and a throughline for the plotting. In this case, I speak from some bitter experience; intrigue adventures can fall apart very easily.
Then there's the scenes descriptions, which start slow for Part 1 and Part 2. The action sections are the bulette and the attempted assassination; everything else is either travel/teleport or social encounters. Which is fine, but I really wish that the adventure had scene 3.iii (Night of Triumph) as the end of the 1st Act. That pushes the action about the gate to be a large part of the whole, and sets up a ticking clock for PCs to race against, creating more drama over a longer period.
Finally, there's the publishing metagame issue. This is an Arabian-flavored intrigue adventure, and my impression is that those appeal to a minority of gamers, just as psionics are a minority taste. Without being privy to Paizo's plans it's hard to say whether this fits their schedule. But while I love seeing this style as a player, I'd be a lot more conservative about it if I were making the publishing decision on whether to run this, or a high adventure, dungeon crawl, or lost city adventure instead.
My gestalt thoughts as I read through it.
The title seems interesting, but not really as engaging as it could be. Ok, we have a magic spear. Crystal cliffs. Genies. Mysterious secrets. Deception. Hmm. Ok. Not grabbing me right off the bat, though good enough to keep me reading. So I’ll keep going.
I don’t like the heading “executive summary.” I’m a game publisher. Not a middle manager. Plus the content of the summary isn’t really very immediate. I don’t see any good dramatic need here. Not grabbing me and making me say “oh yeah I gotta publish this!”
That said, we have good, concise presentation. No silly quotes. This was not a quote/fancy prose round. I think the writing is very well done. A submission is supposed to be a bit on the business-like side, and not so much on the show off side. I want to see the structure of the song, not the guitar solo. But you still managed to work in “vitrified.” Nice.
The names were a bit uninspired, I thought. And I’m having a hard time reading this and not reciting “In Xanadu did Kublah Khan a glorious pleasure dome decree…” (or however it goes).
It’s taking a while for me to know how the PCs fit in. I think I needed a more concise statement of what the heck this adventure is about before you launched into a big background section (I don’t think the executive summary did a good job of this). We have a sneaky “jann” and now Mephistophiles is on board. Ok. So what do the PCs do in all this? How is this a publishable adventure for PCs? How do I pitch this? How do I get buyers excited here? I’m the prospective publisher—get me excited to publish it. Not really happening yet.
Now we get to devilish plot to do something to some healing pools which I guess make nations ripe for evil invasions or something.
So, here we are, at the end of the big block of background and I still don’t really know what the heck is going on with this adventure. It’s well written enough to make me keep going, but I am on the verge of losing interest.
Hooks—first is generic, second is not that great, third finally has some meat. Not hooking me as the potential publisher.
Bad guys seem kinda cool—a devourer, big points for a ghost bulette (that would be a fun fight), blue dragon, ice devil, etc. But nothing here is really catching me as a publisher making me want to publish this as its own separate module.
Ok, good, the meat of the adventure.
Oops, doesn’t start off well. The “Could include overland desert travel, but at this level teleportation is almost assumed as the standard mode of transport” is weak. Just start with: “The PCs arrive at the Oasis of Korsandi, as treaties with the jann forbid teleporting directly into their lands. The small oasis town of Korsandi outside the hills is the ‘gateway’ to visiting Zuril.” Some more details would be nice as I presume we will have a map of the town and some key things happen there. If not, why are we even really detailing it in the pitch?
But then we bounce back. Hey, I’m thinking, the ghost bulette tie in is pretty freaking cool. Nice twist on the ghostly remains quest. And then it falls flat again when it turns out the bulette has not a damn thing to do with the adventure. That sucked. If I wasn’t being forced to read this entry I would have stopped right there. I would have said, “man you had a cool idea and you just wasted it. I’m done. Bill, pass me the next submission.” This is a 32-page module you are writing. You don’t have time for useless fat like that. If it is in, it is in for a reason.
Now we get to traveling to the cliffs, finally. Ok, not really much here to interest me. I don’t want that much in the way of mechanics in a submission. Just some description is fine, such as: “PCs travel through the natural wonders of the enchanted Hills of Zuril, a 30-mile trip (8 hours on horse or camelback, 4 by griffon) from Korsandi to the Alcazar. Wandering monsters include Zurin griffons, ethereal filchers and marauders, phase spiders and jann (who are hostile if no jann accompany the PCs). PCs may suffer heat effects and dazzle effects from reflects off the unique glass cliffs. Magically, illusions and spells which block or ward against divination or teleportation are affected; spells that help find a person, place, or object are impeded. PCs arrive at the Alcazar and take in its fabulous luxury.” But really I am just re-writing for my own pleasure here. None of this is even necessary at all.
I presume now we get a big map of the place with lots of details on who and what is where. I’m really starting to worry this is exceeding the scope of a GameMastery module.
I’m at Part II, chapter 2, just starting, and nothing engaging has happened yet. If I hadn’t stopped reading before, I would have by now.
Hey, hey! Finally we get some engaging conflict—go to the pools with an NPC who is attacked by some invisible genie assassins. Nice premise. Is there a reason this wasn’t Act I? Seriously. For a 32-page module, this is the actual start of the adventure. I am surprised Jason didn’t realize this. That is a huge problem with this submission.
Now we find something that grabs me: “After foiling a murder attempt on a local emir by invisible griffon-riding jann, the PCs are drawn into a dangerous game of chance and must delve into a fabulous djann-constructed pleasure palace to uncover the secret of a plot hatched in the Nine Hells.”
Now we have an adventure idea that starts to grab me. That should have been the lead in and that is where this should have started.
But then it bogs down again with political intrigue not really tied to any particular locations or events that the PCs direct. I’m very suspicious that an adventure like this will actually go off as described.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the political intrigue. But I want locations and things and places and encounters that have a bit more meat in my submissions. I also, generally, want a dungeon or a location. All this stuff happens in banquet halls and things like that. What happened to that magic spear that got a name? What happened to those crystal cliffs? Why is there not an encounter on the edge of one of those cliffs?
Not feeling this one, unfortunately. I wouldn’t publish it as is.
NOT RECOMMENDED
Jason, you have done some of the best stuff in this competition. I have great respect for your talent. My concern with this entry is that it is a bit unfocused and it really fails to find the beginning, wasting way too much space before getting started. That said, the ideas and the fun are undeniable. In the real world, I would send back to you for an edit and a resubmit. This thing is real close to publishable, no doubt. In fact, the ideas are fun and fresh. I like them alot. Heck, if voters selected you as the winner, I couldnt argue with that selection. You have the talent, no doubt. Good luck. I really, really can't wait to see how this all turns out!
Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
|
"The Cliffs of Shattered Glass" is an excellent name for an adventure, and immediately interests me in what I might find between the adventure's covers. Kudos for that.
Wow. That's two adventures set in Osirion. Something tells me that ancient Egypt holds more interest among fantasy RPG players than some folks might recognize. Cool.
The origin of the Cliffs of Shattered Glass is extraordinarily interesting. I am a huge fan of stuff falling from outer space, and the associated ecological devastation makes for great fantastic scenery. The general background about the genies and Mephistopheles is likewise interesting, though I think I might prefer an "ultimate plan" that is a little less mustache-twirling in its worldwide implications. Granted, the PCs are 16th level and ready for the heavy stuff, but not every adventure needs to be a "save the world" scenario.
The adventure hooks are solid.
The ghost bullette encounter promises to be rather fun. I must say I do like the idea of an incorporeal monstrous spirit savaging the town where adventurers brought back its mortal remains. That sort of thing would probably happen all the time in a world governed by the rules of the game, but the idea seems very fresh to me. Nicely done.
Right around the "3. The Cliffs of Shattered Glass" section your writing takes a major turn for the worse, with sentence fragments aplenty and lots of missing pronouns and weird verb tenses, almost as though you failed to polish your outline into actual writing. This is not encouraging.
The various scenes at the Pleasure Palace are interesting. The "have the PCs do some gambling part" seems a bit pedestrian and boilerplate--I could have used some evocative details on specific games of chance the PCs are expected to play to raise this above the level of something I've seen dozens of times before. I like the attack on the baths, and I like the various games that the PCs might become involved in, but again some actual detail here would have been more helpful. You've definitely set up the _potential_ for some compelling mini-games related to this part of the adventure, but with no hints at what you are actually planning, I am taking a bit of a risk green-lighting the adventure proposal. A little more detail, even if it's just a couple of loaded words, can go a long way in this sort of circumstance.
The incomplete sentence and general slap-dash approach to the writing in these encounter breakdowns is really turning me off. It feels lazy, and I can't for the life of me figure out why you didn't spend 15 minutes line editing this submission when the entire contest is on the line for you. I know it's just shorthand and that you're fully capable of producing complete sentences, which unfortunately for you makes me even more frustrated.
I think the adventure may be trying to do a little too much in the background character/subplot/subterfuge arena, because I am having a somewhat difficult time keeping all of these characters straight. When that happens it seems like the author is writing more of a story than a module, and I rapidly begin to lose interest.
So I like the adventure's setting, I love the Cliffs of Shattered Glass, I like the pleasure palace, and I like the adventure hooks.
The diabolical plot and the various intrigues surrounding the rulership of the Alcazar do not grab me, however, and I'm underwhelmed by the overall craftsmanship of the proposal. With all of the various NPCs and hidden plots and such the adventure sounds like a muddle to me.
There is a lot of promise here, but I think the proposal needs significant polishing and a tighter focus to get my full-throated endorsement.
My two favorite proposals are Christine's and this one. I really like Christine's crazy-amazing ideas, but when it comes down to buying and DMing an adventure I prefer a little bit lower "high fantasy". Excellent adventure proposal Jason, you get my vote.
Okay.
I have to say, I liked this entry the least in this round. (Not that it's bad, just not as staggeringly good!)
I really hate to have to say this, but after reading Boomer and Christine's entries, I kind of glazed on reading the adventure background, because nothing immediately grabbed me. (I especially hate to say it, since I could see myself making the same mistake in your place, with my own 'explany' nature!)
So I kind of lost the rest of the plot. I'm not huge on political intrigue quests - mainly because my groups are more stab evil in the eyeballs, but also because the ones we've run have either gone badly or the players were totally lost (Warhammer Power Behind the Throne, looking at you!) Still, with a clearer plot line, I think it'd clean up quite well.
I think the ghost bulette was a nice idea, but I can't help but feel it did seem a tad wasted; the best encounter of the module, I think, and not related to the plot.
Sorry, Jason.
I look foward to if there is a contest next year, to crossing swords woth you then!
Just say it with me: Mephistopheles. I love that name. If my wife and I ever have a kid, I'm going to name him that. That way I can say at dinner, "Mephistopheles Banjo Sullivan! Finish your vegetables!"
Also, I loved your background with the spear-of-destiny-I-can't-pronounce. I'm always the DM, and reading The History of the Realms cover-to-cover is my idea of a good time. I'm just wondering how much of that background the players are going to get in the adventure. I liked the imagery of the cliffs of shattered glass with natural springs bubbling up through them- very cool, I know my players would like that. I'd buy this adventure.
I liked how the challenges were clearly defined, I have a decent idea how long this will take to run.
Re: Arabian theme - most adventures don't have a true western theme. It isn't like the PCs walk into a town and someone says, "Ho there travelers! We've just invented the horse collar and we're thinking of developing crop rotation! What be your opinion of the flying buttress?" You can have a perfectly fun Arabian game without bringing in flying carpets and magic lamps (though chicks in harem pants and bare midriff tops are still mandatory). Just plunk down a few palm trees and run the thing.
Anyway...
There's different play styles packed in here. Intrigue and adventure. Lots of skill checks. Its a good bet that everyone at the table will get to have the kind of fun they really enjoy from gaming. I like it.
The Cliffs of Shattered Glass is an adventure designed for four 16th level characters, who should be able to advance to 17th level by the conclusion of the adventure.
Executive Summary: Traveling to a remote but opulent pleasure palace, PCs become embroiled in a power struggle between rival genies, uncovering a web of spying, corruption, and a diabolic conspiracy that threatens to explode into a major crisis.
Ifthikarud? Dude. You did so well in all the prior rounds. Then I meet The Unpronounceable? Not a fatal flaw, but still.
Strangely, we see devil themes here too, like Boomer’s entry.
Okay, the Cliffs of Shattered Glass are muy well described. Cool stuff!
I would have liked to see you continue more with the prior stuff that you already put out. Tying it together could have been cool.
This seems like Evil Visit to Vegas somehow. ;) Oasis of Outsider Politics!
Wyrmskulls look ineffably cool. That bulette looks like it’s a mean brute and I would love to see it statted up.
Ultimately, I like a lot of the writing and the bits within this. However, I don’t quite see a “hook” for the players that will really grab their interest and pan out as a cool adventure. Overall, this seemed reasonable, yet I wish it were more stunning.
For purposes of this review, I did not read any other comments.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
|
Jason, I was really looking forward to your entry this round, in large part because of the promise your encounter had last round, with all of the hints about some of the stuff that happened before and after it in the larger story.
Unfortunately, this was a let down, and not your best work. I thought that the adventure background could have been verbatim the text from the finished product, and seemed like too much detail for a proposal. More importantly, I never figured out why the PCs would actually get involved in the plot you detailed. The whole "taint the pool" plot was so behind the scenes, they never even hear about it until they chase the bad guy through a portal (if they actually do, I can see many groups just not caring if one manipulative jann rules instead of another.)
I also thought that for a 16th level adventure, there were LOTS of enemies that were way below the threat level needed to keep high level characters from yawning.
Overall, I can't say that I'd buy this adventure, but I hope to see some of your work published regardless, since I know you've got the ability to create great encounters, villains and adventures, but this one just didn't work for me.
I like the initial descriptions, but I get muddled in the middle of reading the submission trying to figure out what's going on and why the party cares. It seems very rushed - not even complete sentences. I'm guessing you got jammed up and had to crank the second half of this out in limited time. In the end it's OK, but I'm not sure I'd buy this off the shelf - sorry man.
Would I like it as a player - Probably yes.
Would I like it as a GM - Only if it was lower level.
Would I pay money for it - If the The Cliffs of Shattered Glass location was heavily emphasized maybe. The level would be a big factor however.
2/3
Generally my campaigns never make it past level 12-14 or so. Honestly I don't know how anyone's does unless they start out at a fairly high level. That was a factor for me unfortunately since ultra-powerful creatures and mechanics that reply on high-magic are generally difficult to alter into something more manageable. The stat-blocks on some of these things would be an utter nightmare and actually running them in combat would be test of patience for everyone I would think.
A lot of the separate scenes I like quite a bit. I like The Cliffs of Shattered Glass location in particular. Together though they seem a bit incohesive and fragmented however, with the core scenes thrown together with 'okay teleport here' sort of mentality. Like wise with the social scenes; where the PCs could simply read everyone's mind or even dominate them to get what they want. I think it would be difficult to keep the PCs in the layout that you described above if they are level 16s. Level 10, maybe, level 16 - good luck with that.
Hmm... high level is a big turn-off for me since I really start to lose interest in the system after 12th or so and the balance of power gets unruly. That said, it feels like you've done a good job of establishing some barriers to keep the PCs from running rampant over your intended mystery plot, something which can be tricky even at low levels sometimes.
There's a lot of stuff going on here, but I get the feeling that much of it will never actually come to light. I also question if some of my players will be able to sit still long enough to get through the tightly-packed set of social scenes in the middle of the adventure.
This is quality work, but it's not something I would run or be particularly excited about playing through.
It was a miracle of rare device, a sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
While I would love to see a "Guidebook to the Cliffs of Shattered Glass", perhaps with an adventure linked to the region's strange origin, I'm afraid that the adventure presented here didn't take my fancy. On the other hand, Jason is the contestant who has consistently produced the highest quality of ideas and execution - and so I feel he really deserves to win this contest, and have his work published by Paizo. This makes my vote for this round difficult to cast, and I'm going to have to mull it over...
Dueling genies - cool.
Gargantuan ghost bulette - cool.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
|
Hmm... high level is a big turn-off for me since I really start to lose interest in the system after 12th or so and the balance of power gets unruly. That said, it feels like you've done a good job of establishing some barriers to keep the PCs from running rampant over your intended mystery plot, something which can be tricky even at low levels sometimes.
There's a lot of stuff going on here, but I get the feeling that much of it will never actually come to light. I also question if some of my players will be able to sit still long enough to get through the tightly-packed set of social scenes in the middle of the adventure.
This is quality work, but it's not something I would run or be particularly excited about playing through.
It's interesting that all four of the entries this round were set for fairly high level, the lowest one assuming you'd be double-digit levels partway through it.
I can't say anything else about my entry, but maybe I can say a little about myself as a player and DM in general.
As a home DM, my campaigns get to high levels because I tend to run long campaigns. My previous 3rd Ed campaign lasted about 5 years and went to the low 20's. The 2nd Ed campaign I ran before that lasted 7 years and went to the high teens. I ran a 1st Ed. game in college that only lasted about 6 months, but we were playing 3 times a week, 8-10 hour sessions (and not doing much homework... ) that got to the high teens.
As a player, the last few campaigns I've run in have gone to the high teens (except one where the DM burned out and we quit around 10th or so); I'm playing in Savage Tide right now and I think we're about 15th (we're on the Scuttlecove/Crimson Fleet headquarters adventure now, don't know the official title).
Sure, I've run and played in shorter campaigns, but reading this thread makes me think my experience is not very typical.
Anyway, thanks for the positive comments and I welcome any and all support, whether based on this proposal or the whole body of work in the contest. Now get out there and vote Vote VOTE!!! For me... :)
It's interesting that all four of the entries this round were set for fairly high level, the lowest one assuming you'd be double-digit levels partway through it.
That was one error in Twilight of the Phoenix that bothered me. If the PCs start at 8, there is absolutely no way they should be 11 by the end of a 32 page adventure. Even if it was a trilogy that is pushing it.
Anyhow, I found the high level stuff distracting honestly. A little too much effort to be epic and over the top and in a lot of cases it took away from the core good ideas present. Not just yours, all of the entries.
In the context of your adventure, I think that higher level modules progressively isolate your market the higher you make it. I have nothing in particular against high level play, but my games tend to be lower and it is generally much easier to scale something up 4 levels than to scale it down 4 levels. In particular with templated or class-monsters.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
|
It's interesting that all four of the entries this round were set for fairly high level, the lowest one assuming you'd be double-digit levels partway through it.That was one error in Twilight of the Phoenix that bothered me. If the PCs start at 8, there is absolutely no way they should be 11 by the end of a 32 page adventure. Even if it was a trilogy that is pushing it.
Anyhow, I found the high level stuff distracting honestly. A little too much effort to be epic and over the top and in a lot of cases it took away from the core good ideas present. Not just yours, all of the entries.
In the context of your adventure, I think that higher level modules progressively isolate your market the higher you make it. I have nothing in particular against high level play, but my games tend to be lower and it is generally much easier to scale something up 4 levels than to scale it down 4 levels. In particular with templated or class-monsters.
It's funny to me because I had a low and a high level idea and went with the high on the thought it might stand out. Oops!
Methodology
I decided to read the entries in reverse order of my past appreciation of the contestant's work. I went this route because I wanted to give each author a chance to impress me before I read work by the others with whom I had been more impressed in the past. After my first pass, I returned to each in order, from best to ... least (none of these are even remotely "worst") and then read what the judges and others had to say.
Critique
Jason:
I read your entry third, having been particularly impressed by three of your previous entries: Your villain, Avinash; your themed monsters, In The Bleak Midwinter and your encounter, Vale of Rohthang's Rest.
Great title - of the four it sparked my curiousity the most. I wanted to know what these "Cliffs of Shattered Glass" were all about, and boy oh boy did you deliver - meteoric impact with repercusions that rent across the planes. But oh, ouch, the high level! That brings the whole thing crashing down for me - I've never run or played in a campaign past the level 12 range and rarely buy adventures above that level, prefering things for the 7-10 range.
A pleasure palace managed by "versatile" dopplegangers with a penchant for secrets; healing waters that are linked to the heavenly planes but are in the process of being corrupted by a prince of hell, much political intrigue and a cast of thousands. Jason, Jason, Jason. I want to be a PC in this adventure but only after it's been scaled down to at least 12th level.
I REALLY like the "Cast of Characters" section. Its so nice to have a full list of names and identities (who is what) to refer back to while reading the plot outline.
There's a lot going on, so I did wonder if what you've given us will fit into the 32 pages, but it is absolutely closer to that mark than Boomer's entry.
In the end, I could only give you the silver medal. It was close, oh so very close between you and Rob. In fact, if I had nothing else to go on but these entries it would be a dead heat right up until those 17 levels tripped you up at the finish line. That, and the greater strength in Rob's previous entries, is what ultimately kept the gold in his hands.
Nevertheless, congratulations on being in the top 99.5th percentile of RPG Adventure Designers and, my god man, do whatever it takes to get someone, ANYONE to publish your adventure (preferably for a lower party level so there is a realistic chance I might actually find myself as a member of a party heading to the Oasis of Pleasure)!
:-j(enni)
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
|
Great title - of the four it sparked my curiousity the most. I wanted to know what these "Cliffs of Shattered Glass" were all about, and boy oh boy did you deliver - meteoric impact with repercusions that rent across the planes. But oh, ouch, the high level! That brings the whole thing crashing down for me - I've never run or played in a campaign past the level 12 range and rarely buy adventures above that level, prefering things for the 7-10 range.A pleasure palace managed by "versatile" dopplegangers with a penchant for secrets; healing waters that are linked to the heavenly planes but are in the process of being corrupted by a prince of hell, much political intrigue and a cast of thousands. Jason, Jason, Jason. I want to be a PC in this adventure but only after it's been scaled down to at least 12th level.
I REALLY like the "Cast of Characters" section. Its so nice to have a full list of names and identities (who is what) to refer back to while reading the plot outline.
There's a lot going on, so I did wonder if what you've given us will fit into the 32 pages, but it is absolutely closer to that mark...
I loved your comments and detailed critique, even if I had to settle for silver behind the Purple Prince from Prague!
I did look at some published GameMastery modules and thought about how much one could fit; I think it could be done. I'm glad you liked the way I organized the entry, cast of characters, etc. - I hoped it help with clarity.
It seems like the high-level angle was not the best choice, but c'est la vie. I do think the adventure could pretty easily be rescaled to around 12th level or so without losing any of the flavor of it. Much below that and the cuts would start to get pretty deep, but I think that could work very well.
Thanks for the comments and the almost-vote! :)
Hmmm.
As a DM, I get Great backstory and plots to work with, but don't see a good way of sharing that info with the players. As I noted about Boomer's entry, the PCs are going to be uncertain of who they're fighting and sometimes why.
I'd also be concerned about all the steps taken to limit the PCs' abilities. Once the intrigue gets thick, the use of illusions and trickery is almost too much.
So I like the setup, but not necessarily the execution.
As a player, I could get into this, but would need to be warned up front to take copious notes about who is who. The roster is almost too big - especially the number of NPCs I wouldn't really care about.
And the illusions/dopplegangers would get annoying. I'd grow weary of sense motive checks and attempting to use true seeing, dispel magic or similar spells.
Beyond that, though, I'd feel pretty well rewarded for getting thru it all when the ballroom battle starts and then rolls on into the last couple encounters. Those are the strong points of your module, esp since they tie back to the major parts of the backstory. As Clark said, you could've trimmed the whole thing a lot and stuck closer to that.
If I were a publisher, I'd have some reservations, but I'd definitely give this a chance. Nicely done.
-VIC
The words "pleasure palace" kept throwing me off because that's the name of the local swinger's nightclub. Or so I hear ;)
I didn't like "Executive Summary" and some of the tense seemed strange. The biggest distraction was that the writing was like something I would jot down on a scrap of paper while brainstorming rather than a finalized entry. It just seemed like notes that had been typed up.
Somewhere a "lair in the ethereal plane" was mentioned but I don't remember hearing about it before that so I was a little thrown. Then I'm not sure why there is a blast but the party gets 1 minutes to get away.
I think the overall plot/background is cool, ghost bulette cool but extraneous. The high level turned me off but I wouldn't hold it against anyone.
|
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
Let me get the bad out of the way (well...the mediocre...there's not much bad):
Presenting an executive summary throws me off. With a proposal, I imagine you realy want to prevent my eyes from glazing over, so the executive summary and cast of characters fails. Moreover, the meat of the adventure is not presented in the executive summary. So it's sort of like a junior executive summary - a guy who knows his department but was never told of the big picture.
The writing suffered a lot in the last half. Did you just run out of time to clean up?
I think your presentation should have been all business: "In this segment the PCs play high-stakes games of chance as only the genies can. An appendix will include rules for three such games should the DM choose to explore this scene in more detail, or have the PCs risk big losses, big rewards, or make future enemies." That's a proposal, the reader gets an idea what's going on and sees your promise to develop the mechanics, without his eyes glazing over at midnight reading new mechanics from one proposal after another. I think in a proposal you want to build excitement and trust. The rest comes later.
Your naming conventions weren't as great as Rob's, but then his were nearly perfect. Those names of yours have a good start, but then need to be reviewed for pronouncability, emotion-capture, etc.
Seriously, while you could condense this into a rushed, 32page adventure, it is more a hardback book with the potential for fantstic art.
But the big picture is fantastic. The intricate, political plot is clever and worthy of near-epic adventures. While the wandering monsters aren't worth the PCs time or effort, most of the combats are fun and dangerous. If a DM knows he hasplayers who won't experience all the politics, there's lots of combat and scenic venues to explore.
I am grateful you each decided for a higher level adventure. Game Mastery has lower-level adventures. If there are dedicated Game Mastery capaigns out there, not playing adventure paths, then higher level adventures need to be published for them.
A strong effort, a great and sinister plot, and a fantastic, cinematic location. Needs work, but the raw stuff makes for a great near-epic or epic game. Well done.
so many ideas, so little time ... that's what went through my mind when reading this adventure proposal. Less would have been more in this case. It does get difficult following the plot reading through it the first time. There are a lot of interesting ideas and I really like the devilish plot and the political game in the story. With some editing it could become an interesting adventure to play. Nice effort.
Somehow my previous post from when I voted got lost...
Really I was very torn between this and Christines entry, I finally decided to vote for Christine just because hers was the more polished entry and I think either of you would make a great RPG Superstar.
If I was voting for the overall body of work you would have won hands down, from Bereket to the Catspaw, Rothang's Rest, even the Ebon Flame in the first round was one of my favorites.
And to be honest my favorite adventure idea was the Cliff's of Shattered Glass, even if the adventure outline didn't quite come out as well.
Anyway, congrats on some great work and continued success in the future.