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If it helps, I still think you were a mistake.
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To clarify, the name "June Cleaver" is taken. June Cleaver herself is very much available, if you catch my meaning.
We keep changing the locks, but you keep coming back.
What else is new?
FINE, I ADMIT IT! I’m the one who peed on the rug! It had nothing to do with Kobold coming out, or Ward’s completely justified incarceration, or the Dude’s mistaken identity, or Mrs. White’s husband’s work on the top secret fusion bomb. It had everything to do with the bottle of gin I chugged this morning.
Oh, that reminds me, I was reading through the Carceri Gazette's For Rent section (some great locations, by the way, I know you've been looking for a change of scenery lately), and I happened to notice that Ward was mentioned in the obituaries. Don't worry, he's in solitary now. They don't know where he keeps getting ahold of the handsaws. That louse deserves whatever he gets. And I have some ideas on what he can do with that handsaw.
Kobold, I think I speak for both Ward and myself when I say that our love for you hasn’t changed. And by love, I mean lack of it. Don’t forget to clean your cage.
She will be speedily replaced by the superior poster... I misread this as "posterior poster" and was wondering if my pinup photos were making the rounds again.
We used to keep Kobold in a can with no holes, but apparently that’s a felony. Now Kobold can breathe and Ward is doing 5 to 7 in a medium security prison. Ward if you are reading this, thanks for taking the blame on that one, dear. I promise I will stay true to you. To anyone else reading this, I am lonely and I have needs. Don’t be shy.
Happy birthday! Mine's in a few days. Some lovely anon gave me Spheres of Power for Christmas, a great gift I definitely didn't earn. ;D Actually, today is the day I laid that egg. Your birthday is the day you hatched.
That's why mama keeps locking me in the crawlspace. I lock you in the crawlspace because you keep biting our guests. I'm tired of asking my gentleman callers whether they are current on their rabies shots.
After my drunken romp through Northern California, that combination may actually exist.
I still can't figure out how you learned to read.
That lizard is still in therapy, by the way. And it never quite got over its addiction to cheap gin.So are you a cleaver of kobolds or a cleaver made of kobold? Still a better lover than Ward.
I wish it was that easy to get rid of my children...
So are you a cleaver of kobolds or a cleaver made of kobold? There are three possibilities: 1. Cleaver of kobolds 2. Cleaver made of kobold 3. A tragic reminder of the night 21 years ago that I got drunk and f%++ed an iguana. I leave it to you gentle readers to decide.
But sweetie, you'd have no posts left...
They once kept him in there for a year and a half. It was the best 18 months of my life. Not to mention it did wonders for my sex life...
Please tell me I'm a good mother.
Sharoth, I know you want to be just like me when you grow up, but you aren't Kobold Cleaver and you never will be. Thank Lamashtu for small favors.
It's bad when even your own mother doesn't like your posts. It's called tough love. If you want me to like them, you should write better posts.
21. Please remove all aliases, I am being cyberbullied by my fake mom. I wish it was fake. Do you have any idea what it feels like to lay a kobold egg?
21. Please tell little Kobold it's time for beddie-bye. When he stays up past his bed time he's a cranky little reptile in the morning and I have to put him in the cage.
It was all the bovine growth hormones and grain alcohol I had growing up. The growth hormones were your father's. The grain alcohol was mine. Touch my stash again and I will f$*#ing cut you.
I've been trying to cancel Kobold Cleaver since before I spawned him.June we all know you just rode the coattails of a more successful work. You're just as dated as he is. That sounds a lot like what Ward told me in his wedding vows.
I've been trying to cancel Kobold Cleaver since before I spawned him.
This is seriously the most f***ed up family. You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.
Flagged for way too long. Please lock. That's exactly what Ward said the first time he saw me disrobe.
Kobold still wets his bed. Do with that information what you will.
Your mother. What about his mother?
You used to love your stuffed gnome when you were little. I mean really loved it. That thing was a biohazard.
Well something's gonna crap out my coffee, and I can't be depended on for it.I wanna try that coffee that's digested by monkeys, who then s%@@ it out, which people then sift out so they can roast them immediately.I thought it was civits. Hell... For the right price, I'll s$#$ out some coffee beans for you.
It wouldn't have been so bad if you hadn't installed the spinning blade... It's the only way you would learn.
Since when do you listen to warnings? That's how you wound up needing the fire department to get you unstuck from the neighbor's pool filter.
Thankfully, they canceled the Tickle Me KC doll after they discovered it adheres to children's skin and bursts into flame. Just like the real thing!
Comet is a hell of a drug.
Goblin Cleaver, Did I give birth to you? I don't recall that, but I do black out sometimes.
I tried, but it's hard to get the mods to lock my own threads. Something about "already set the bar too low". We thought about putting those words on your birth certificate.
Somebody seems cranky. Did you wet your drawers again, Kobold?
In my defense, I tried to drown him in the tub like an unwanted kitten, but it didn't work. Probably because he was 22 years old at the time.
I gues the mods think that this htread will keep you out of trouble. It was either this or heavy tranquilizers.
My birthday wish came true!
Ahhh! *grabs a random baby goblin and throws at Hulk as a distraction* Keep it away!I will hug you and kiss you and name you George!! That's a tactic you definitely inherited from my side of the family.
I thought It had something to do with the tentacles. Me and Eddie made 30 bucks...It was a slow day 30 bucks? 30 bucks? Is June Cleaver gonna have to choke a b#*#%?
Aw mom, Is that why we keep the beav caged up in the basement? The reasons are many, Wally. Mostly, it's because of rabies. I mean, I don't actually know if he has it, but better safe than sorry. Also, you're home pretty early, Wally. Done turning tricks already? That had better mean you have some money for mommy.
Either that or she was drunk at the time... Usually a safe bet. I always have a few boxes of wine in reserve.
Did you know goblins are better than kobolds in every way? We're stronger, more dexterous, better at burning things, have a more storied and better developed cultural background, and plushies of us for sale. I don't see any plushy kobolds, do you? We're also double the CR without class levels, and have better racial archetypes. Do you have an alchemist with a dire bat companion? Can you gain a bite attack that latches onto people with the grab ability as a barbarian? I thought not. Your best ability is a 1/day full round diplomacy. Diplomacy? What is this, World of Darkness? I'm here to kill and burn stuff! Goblin Cleaver? Is that you? I had that dalliance with the Goblin King, but I had no idea it bore fruit.
Sorry, I have an appointment with some devils. You know, the type of fiends that actually matter. I know he gets on your nerves sometimes, but Ward is not a devil. ... He's a qlippoth.
Dear Kobold, Why do you keep sending me nude selfies on Snapchat?
Dear Kobold, Why do you leave such a mess around the toilet? Oh. You meant us? I was assuming you meant your biological family, not the people who just found you sitting on the curb in front of the medical research facility. |