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So this kobold bard walks into a duergar's office and says, "Have I got the act for you!"
And the duegar summons the guards because the duergar hate all fun things, including theater.
So this kobold walks into a svirfneblin's office and says, "Have I got the act for you!"
The svirfneblin says, "How did you get in here?"
And the kobold says, "So here's how it goes. The act starts with a couple thousand goblins in the Darklands. They're just doing what goblins always do—setting things on fire, torturing whatever they can reach, killing each other. You know how goblins are: all id, right? Sex, murder and rock-and-roll. But then one goblin eats some diseased fungi, and pretty quickly the disease spreads. It's a funny disease: It makes the goblins live a lot longer, but now they breed way slower, which is probably going to be a problem, since it didn't make them much smarter and they still want to kill and screw each other."
And the svirfneblin says, "Yeah, I've seen goblins before. It's no wonder they never survive down here in the Darklands, considering how bad they are at working together. Even the ghouls mostly try to get along with one another, y'know? But seriously, how did y—"
"Even worse," the kobold continues, "now the goblins are becoming more chaotic. Even more focused on id. They're getting really into sadomasochism and murder and it's getting to be a problem. So the leader goblins team up and cast a spell, contacting the Abyss. And they make a deal with the demons, selling all their souls. Now they're in Congress With Demons. But they still hate each other, and they're still self-destructive id-driven a~+$@+!s, and they still breed really, really slowly. Also, everyone in the Darklands hates them, and they brutally oppress the majority of their people."
"Probably still get more shit done than the Svirfneblin Congress," the svirfneblin says. "But look, I really need to know—"
"So fast-forward a hundred years or so," the kobold says, "and suddenly they're the most powerful species in the Darklands."
There is a long silence.
"That act makes no sense at all," the svirfneblin says carefully. "What do you call it?"
And the kobold bard spreads his arms wide and grins. ""
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The svirfneblin considers it for about five minutes, then shakes his head. "It'll never sell. Too implausible."
The kobold says, "What if we make them look like sexy purple-skinned elves in bondage outfits?"
"THAT'S GENIUS."
*nods and claps*
This kobold is going places, maybe they should get him on SNL.
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Nonsense. Tell enough terrible puns and you might even undergo deific apuntheosis.
Remember: The Pun is Mightier than the Sword.
Someone's going to the punitentiary...
EXACTPUNLY!…................. I DON'T KNOW EITHER
I still can't figure out how you learned to read.
* kicks book titled "Teaching Kobolds to Read for Fun and Profit" under the bed *
I'm sure I have no idea where KC learned that.
It is goblins who have a phobia about the written word. I am not aware of any lore that depicts kobolds as illiterate.
When do we get to the joke?
You know, drow are basically weaker orcs. Self-destructive, might-makes-right society, worship extremely unhelpful "gods", pointless gender disparity, Chaotic Evil...Hell, drow might even make some sense as a race if they were run like orcs. Raiding bands of sadistic a@~*%&*s, dangerous but badly-organized. The link to demons would make more sense then, too.
Silly little kobold, don´t you know that misery and suffering is the foundation of all good comedy (and tragedy).
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Probably as close to the "aristocrats" as well get around here.......
Let me tell you about my new pet kobold though named Osirion. He leaves a pyramid in every room.....
It is goblins who have a phobia about the written word. I am not aware of any lore that depicts kobolds as illiterate.
It's tough to get literate when you're still working out how to pick the lock on your new training crate from Dad, and Mom has MacGruber'ed all your primary reading books into blotter paper. Just reading a Q can still cause LSD flashbacks.
Probably as close to the "aristocrats" as well get around here.......
Let me tell you about my new pet kobold though named Osirion. He leaves a pyramid in every room.....
Aw, come on, man! You got the perfect alias for better jokes.
'Cause I don't get no respect, I tell you, no respect. Why, the wizard told me he didn't need to prepare stinking cloud, as long as I didn't shower for a week. No respect, no respect.
Oh, the rest of my group is no better. Once, I'm fending off some monsters, and I asked for backup. What did they do? They backed up. Right out of the dungeon! No respect, I tell you...
It's tough to get through, man, really tough. One time I was dying in a dungeon, surrounded by zombies. I tried calling out to a devil prince, pleaded I'd sell my soul to get out of here alive. One devil came, took a look, and said for my soul, they'd give me a hot cup of coffee, but no sugar! And I'd need my own cup! No respect, no respect...
Man, I tell you, it's tough bein' ugly. Really tough. And even the good parts aren't that good. Ever had a succubus look you over and say she had standards? It's a kick to the groin, lemme tell you what.
You know, they say you shouldn't get married as an adventurer, that it's too dangerous. They're right! It's way too dangerous. Every time I stay home, I gain a level! Man, I tell you, my wife, she's something else. You know what the difference is between my wife and a rabid owlbear? The owlbear tries to kill you quickly, and won't spend all your gold coins doing so. Man, I tell you. You should get married. Then you'll look forward to the dungeons. You'll have a choice: Stay home with the wife, or go to the Tomb of the Swamp Lord? Hard choice. One's a cold, damp hole in the ground with a hostile presence that hates you, and the other is the Tomb of the Swamp Lord! I tell you, I tell you...
Oh, and the kids. Don't get me started on the kids. You know, so many great champions got their start when their great hero of a father died when they were still children. My kids keep asking me to do the same, they say it'd be the best gift I've ever gotten them. No respect, no respect...