We be Licktoads! We make raid!
Put the longshanks to the blade!
Burn them up from feet to head,
Make them hurt, then make them dead!
Cut the parents into ham,
Smush the babies into jam,
All the rest in pot get stewed,
We be Licktoads - you be food!
You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks—fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Awakening to the sound of a rat squealing over an open fire, Thok pulls on his sooty robes and heads over to get breakfast. He snags half the rat, munching it all down in classic goblin eating style. That is to say, quickly, so no one else takes your food. It's then that one of Chief Gutwad's guards picked up Thok and carried him over to Thok's hut. Thok had more important things to worry about, like finishing his breakfast.
The guard tossed Thok back in his hut as Thok gulped down the rest of the rat. Tasty rat.
The guard looked both to the left and to the right as Thok got back to his feet. No one appeared to be listening, so he gestured for Thok to come over. Thok, not wanting to get pounded, walked over. Leaning over, the guard whispered into Thok's ear. "Chief want you in Moot House. Go now."
Thok raised an eyebrow even as he idly scratched an old burn and stomped out his robes which had been smoldering since he got the rat. What could Chief want this early in afternoon?
Thok starts to wander over to the Moot House, taking his time. Not because Thok slow, but because Thok keep having to put out robes, you understand.
Grimlek wake up at dawn as big ball of fire goes high in sky. Grimlek ask spirits for much magic to go and smash goblin enemies like big stupid man-people in city to north. Grimlek hate man-people they think they so smart and we goblin so dumb. Grimlek show them. Grimlek become powerful shaman and then Grimlek call down big ball of fire onto their city. Then who be dumb?!? Grimlek is finishing communing with the spirits when a small goblin child comes running up. You late, Dead-meat. You be here when sun upping. This after sun upping. You know penalty. A lover of music, Grimlek loves tormenting the little urchins of the camp. The little one hangs his head and starts to sing in a high croaking voice, Grimlek good. Grimlek great. Grimlek will take me mate. Him Longtrunk, Me not so. Grimlek make the ladies show!
Good. Grimlek says with a grin. Now where my food?
Chief want you in Moot house now. I not have food for you.
Grimlek scowls and smacks the boy in the head with his stick as he walks past. Why not you tell me Chief want audience with great shaman Grimlek? Next time I let Toothlizard eat you!
Grimlek smacks him again and heads towards the Moot House with Toothlizard in tow.
Thud awakes to the vivid memory of the BIG BOOMS!! last night still reverberating through his head and gets up to dig through the rubble only to find he's feeling a little drafty. Close inspection reveals half his loincloth has burned through. Perhaps he was dancing a bit too close to the fire last night. He quickly acquires a patch of scorched rat hide and attmepts to strap it on to conceal his special purpose.
A timid errand goblin catches Thud in the unfortunate act of readjusting the rat tail so it doesn’t chaff so much to tell him the chief wants to see him. Thud nods, ”Yes, Thud is STRONG!!” He then beats his chest and follows to see what Gutwad wants.
What a purdy day tu be a Goblin! Glop stretches and lets out his might morning breath smelling of last night's stink cabbage surprise. Standing up, he hears a loud pbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbt and an even denser meaty aroma wafts to his nostrils. Startled, he turns abruptly to see who's behind him. Seeing no one he turns again and continues in circles for several moments freversly sniffing the air. Forgetting what he was looking for, Glop picks over his sprawling collection of berries. Today weza be blue hair Glop. Smashing a few beries in his calloused palm, Glop "glops" them into his hair making a nice greasy blue coif. It'z not eazy being the most highest charisma-mattic gobbler bard iz it Glop. No Glop it isznt I telz meself. Picking open any scabs that might have crusted over in his slumber and opening body zits to the stagnant morning air. Someonez gotz to keep the other gobblers wivez "entertained" while they mates outz doing stuff and stuff. His tiny laugh turns into a thunderous roar whyle he rolls across the floor amused at himself. That's when he notices the timid Goblin youngling standing in his doorway. Chief want you in Moot House. Go now.
And he does.
One by one, Thok, Grimlek, Thud, and Glop assemble in front of Chief Gutwad's Moot House at the center of the village. Truly, this is an exciting time, because as all good Licktoads know, His Mighty Girthness does not traditionally speak directly to his subjects (having convinced his minions that the words that come out of his mouth are so mighty that they might frighten away all the words in the heads of lesser goblins). Instead, only his duly appointed advisor (a pompous, overdressed goblin named Slorb) whispers the Chief's instructions; presumably, only he can handle the might of the chief's words without fainting from fear.
Now, the four goblin 'heroes' have a moment to interact while they wait to be summoned to enter the Moot House itself. They can't help but wonder, will the Chief actually speak to them directly? What will happen to them if he does?
Thud looks interestedly at Glop's hair. "blue...HAIR, " he notes in slight awe and continues inspecting it more closely sniffing and then tasting the blue pompadour. Upon reaching a conclusion, he declares his verdict in disgust. "Glop waste FOOD! Berries in HAIR!"
Turning to Grimlek, Thud asks curiously, "Toothlizard like berries? Glop flavor his HEAD!"
Toothlizard like everything you knows dat! But it not be good juju to kill guest of Chief Gutwad. That bad luck. No matter how tasty Glop be. Grimlek reaches out a hand and plucks a berry covered beetle from Glop's hair and munches on it with a smile.
Thud looks interestedly at Glop's hair. "blue...HAIR, " he notes in slight awe and continues inspecting it more closely sniffing and then tasting the blue pompadour. Upon reaching a conclusion, he declares his verdict in disgust. "Glop waste FOOD! Berries in HAIR!"
Turning to Grimlek, Thud asks curiously, "Toothlizard like berries? Glop flavor his HEAD!"
Glop looks sorrowful. Look closer my fellow Gobs. Here Thud. pointing and here Grimlek pointing. See? SMACK! He banks their heads together so hard it sounds like logs splitting. Now looks here. We aint gotz time to pickle around here. Big Chief wants to seez us.
First Thud, these them berries are ripe. They aint be good eats for 'nother day till they getz a moldy glopey looking stink stuff. And fifth, every buddy knows what is that a tooflizard is. It's MEAT. All lil babs get teached me song. You'ze kno it.
Tunes up armpit trumpet. singing
What's every Goblin, likes to eat. It's
MEAT! MEAT! MEAT!
How's Goblin's eats it with? Are pointy
TEEF TEEF TEEF
Yeaaaaaaaaaa MEAT!
dramatic half turn
. . and you Grimlek. Best keep your Gob gob shutted ups. Else I sing a tale about you and the giant widemouth frog behind old stumpys farm last full moonshine day, night. It was night. NOW. Run home and ask your mum if she ever had any younglings that lived!
Glop crosses his arms over his heaving chest. Satisfied with his performance.
End act one, scene one. Glop's tirate of Doooooooom.
Grimlek gets a horrified look on his green face. You bluffins! You never saw dat. It wasn't behind stumpys, it was over near the Throws-up Tree. He says this with a smug look on his face.
"MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! TEEF! TEEF! TEEF!"
"Soooo...Toothlizard eat your head LATER?"
"MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! TEEF! TEEF! TEEF!"
Mesa hopes Cheif whispers Slorb to feedz us alls breakfast. Meat cakes and fatty bacon sounds nummy in me tummy. Mmmmmmmmm.
Where is Chief? Why he take so long? Who he tink he iz anyway, the Chief?
Him think he big goblin that Slorb. Me thinks he has ears like elf. Grimlek looks around to see if anyone is listening then continues. Toothlizard hungry too. Maybe Chief call us to let him eat Slorb.
Thok watches the other three goblins with a grin. "We mightest Goblins in village. Maybe Chief think we scary enough to raid manthings, take there stuffs?" He idly tries to put out the hem of his robes with his right foot.
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Finally, after what seems an eternity (especially to impatient goblins), a high-pitched nasally voice calls out from inside the Moot House, "You gobs, enter now!"
As the four chosen ones trickle in to the Chief's dwelling, they can't help but notice all of the trophies scattered about the room...the Moot House is a veritable museum of Licktoad heroics! The place is crammed full of stolen weapons, shiny bits of treasure, and the brine-pickled bodies of several brutally-slaughtered small furry animals (puppies mostly).
In spite of all these splendors, the dominant sight in the room is His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad himself, looking down upon his subjects from the heights of the Teeter Chair. This 'throne' is a six-foot high ramshackle seat of driftwood and tree branches that creaks precariously under the weight of its obese occupant. The Chief is resplendently naked, his fat hairy belly rolling down over his groin to keep his manhood covered (not that he'd care if anyone saw anyway).
That weasel, Slorb, stands off to the side, pompously dressed, as usual, in his 'offical robez' (actually the cast off pink cotton bathrobe of some human girl), and 'advizer hat' (some feather-covered atrocity that may once have been a turkey). Again, in that whiny voice he orders, "Sit on floor, now! His Mighty Girthness, Chief Rendwattle Gutwad will speak to you."
Grimlek sits with all the dignity and grace as befits his station as shaman. Which basically means he plops down on the ground next to Toothlizard with a loud smack and looks around for food. Seeing none, Grimlek does not have high hopes for this meeting.
"feast NOW?" Thud asks anxiously catching Grimlek's eye as he crouches down. Then a thought occurs, "Hey Slorb, What MOOT mean anyway?"
Glop readies himself to bestow slobbering prose before the mighty Gutwad. Seeing the dower look in the Chief's eye's, and the occasional pickled Goblin parts mixed among the puppies, he reconsiders. Instead he points to the decaying turkey hat on Slorb and gives him a sarcastic thumbs up before sitting restlessly and fidgety on the floor. He exchanges knowing looks with Grimlek at the obvious lack of breakfast.
Chiefs so fat, must be foodz somewherez.
muttering to himself; Stupid Thud. Eberyone kno MOOT meanz "moor oot". What's an oot?
"feast NOW?" Thud asks anxiously catching Grimlek's eye as he crouches down. Then a thought occurs, "Hey Slorb, What MOOT mean anyway?"
"Moot mean shut up, cuz Chief Gutwad about to speak! Him words probly make lamebrain like Thud fall down and cry, they so great!"
Slorb's voice is really annoying, by the way.
me tink dat, or sayz it out loud. Hmm. No matter
OOH-OHH. Ooh. I gotz it, Thud. I know what MOOT iz! Really thiz time!
It's POOT only with Moo instead of Poo!
Yea! Goblins make POOT cowz make MOOT.
Mmmm. Moot iz made o' Cow. Cow iz made o' Beef. Beef is made o' steak.
Eat now?
Thok takes a seat, his butt long since lost all feeling from multiple fires being lit upon it. He continues to watch the others, cackling a goblin giggle at the antics of Glob, Thud and Grimlek. He takes a moment to just take in the sights of so great a hut, before Slorb's grating voice finally gets on his nerves.
"Thok wait for Great Chief to speak, not ass-kisser Slorb." Thok's attention is caught on the right sleeve of his robe, which a single flame is flickering. He pats it out.
"Ahh, Moo plus Poot is MOOT and we at Chief's MOOT! Glop saying Chief smell like MOOT?!" Thud barely disguises a wide gobliny grin.
[QUOTE=
'Thud THUD"] "Ahh, Moo plus Poot is MOOT and we at Chief's MOOT! Glop saying Chief smell like MOOT?!" Thud barely disguises a wide gobliny grin.
sayz Chief smelz like MOOT POOP. Not Glop.
pauseUnless Chief like. Then Glop say.
sticks fingers in ears.
la la la. Thud is trickster. Thud is sly. I watchez Thud out corner o' my eye. la la la
pulls fingers out of ears. licks them. Sticks back in.
la la la. Thud is . . . .
Slorb, having been insulted not once but twice, opens his ugly mouth to attempt a whiny retort, but before any annoying words can come forth, the booming voice of Chief Gutwad yells,
Much to everyone's surprise and shock, the Chief's words do not seem to cause any goblin present to lose all the words in his head. Except maybe for Slorb, whose mouth continues to hang agape. In any case, now that the Moot room has gone silent, Chief Gutwad continues.
“You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you do not flee in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission.
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to a place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there!
“I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!”
Grimlek ready to help Licktoads! I get fireworkz for yous, only for yous Chief Gutwad not yous Slorb. Grimlek and Toothlizard make many dead for yous. He waits a moment to let the others speak although he thinks they not nearly so good speaker as Grimlek. Him pers...persua...him good talker.
Thud jumps up excited. "Oooh, secret MISSION! big FIRE tonight. big FOOD, too. Tomorrow get BOOM STICKS! NO worry, NO need for squealy NORD! Thok start fire NOW! We throw HIM in wood pile!"
food? food? food?
Glop good go getter gobbler, gotcha goodly great Gutwad
food?
"Thok light dogs and horses and mans on fire! Thok light they huts on fire! Thok light booms on fire!" Thok pauses, realizing there is something wrong with the last sentence. "Thok light booms on fire back in village at great feast!"
The Chief looks satisfied. "Good, you gobz is all right. Slorb give you map to fireworks ship."
Slorb, his mouth finally working again, attempts to protest in his whiny voice, "But, Great Chief His Mighty Girthness Rendwad Gutwattle...you sure these right guys for job..."
Slorb shuts up and gives the map, a crude thing drawn on the back of some kind of hide...horse, most probably.
As soon as someone takes the map, The Chief bellows, sending the four goblin 'heroes' scurrying forth from the Moot House as fast as they can run.
As morning passes to afternoon, the Licktoad encampment becomes a beehive of activity. Goblins toil throughout the day to build a huge bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface's hut. Children burst into spontaneous cheers and applause as the 'heroes' pass by. Anticipation clearly is growing everywhere for a celebration of legendary proportions (at least by goblin standards).
Glop is going to try and get a private word in with Slorb at some point, if possible. First he's going to try and make him friendly with flattery, then get info by goosing his ego. It would go something like this . . .
Slorb big heap importaint goblin to hear so many chiefs words. Me head hurts just from those few. Yousa too goodz to leave village with no Slorb here. It takez four other goblers just to do work of one Slorb . . . I imaging this could go on a long tme, as Glop could listen for hours as someone praised him. He'll even sing songs of heroic Slorb tales if necessary.
Then; how would the mighty Slorb deal goblin rath on the Lotslegs, and what secrets of the Brinestump Marsh only revile themselvs to powerful Slorb's keen senses? . . .
Glop finishes with; . . .all songs will be sung telling how the mighty Slorb allowed the four inferior goblins to get broomsticks only because of his great knows of stuff he told them. Without Slorb's great knows of stuff there would be no broomsticks boom boom.
That's the plan anyhow. Of course, Glop will have to do a barfing ritual when out of sight of Slorb, to get the sweet taste of those sappy works out of his mouth.
Grimlek enjoys himself for the afternoon basking in the adulation that should have been his right all along.
Now you see Grimlek best goblin. You not believe before. You say him play in mud with lizards...which true but you say it as bad thing. Now you know Grimlek great goblin. You bow down to Grimlek now when he bring back firebooms!
Thok uses the praise, worship, and just all around adulation to get second breakfast, and then third breakfast. Silly halflings think they invented it, but all Goblins know that they invented it. Besides, hungry Goblin no get boom.
Glop lurks outside of the Moot House for awhile, until finally Slorb emerges, looking as ridiculous and pompous as always. Upon the advisor's appearance, Glop sidles up next to him and begins showering him with effusive goblin-y praise.
It doesn't take long before Slorb is eating out of Glop's hands, and only to happy to answer his questions. He rambles on in that annoying, nasally voice.
"If Glop and others was smart like Slorb, you would 'member that Brinestump Marsh is great place! Many places to hide, many good things to eat. Some poison, though, so maybe have Thud try first bite. Not too many humanz ever come into Brinestump, so that good too. They probly afraid of monsters, like dogs, snakes, frogs, bugs. You no need be afraid, though, cause Grimlek and stoopid lizard probly get eat up first, and you run away."
"Oh, and no forget Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many. Her live in marsh, worst bug in whole place! Scribbleface map show path right through Lotslegs territory, maybe Thok get caught in web, make snack for Lotslegs while Glop runs past. That what Slorb would do."
"Oh, and maybe Vorka out there someplace too. You 'member Vorka, right Glop?"
"Oh, and maybe Vorka out there someplace too. You 'member Vorka, right Glop?"
Glop tries very hard to keep a straight face. He looks around to make sure no other goblins hear him kissing arse to weasley Slorb.
Slorb greatest teller of tales ever! Glob never be so goodly. You tell Glob again, them Glob sing tales of Slorb's greatest knows of stuff about Vorka!
Glob represses the bile pushed up by these words. Wonders if Slorb would even taste good, or just be a saggy bunch of yuck yuck meat that never cooks goodly.
Slorb's voice as he replies is like nails on a chalkboard (or would be if any of the goblins had ever heard of a chalkboard).
"Gloppy, you so lucky that Slorb like you more than other fake gob 'he-roez'. Otherwise, I no give you great gift of me voice to remind you of story of Vorka. She wife of Licktoad Chief way many years back before Great Chief Gutwad, His Mighty Girthfulness. She not too bad looking, either, but that before we find out she cann...cannabis...she eat other goblins! She eat then-Chief, and some few other gobs before Licktoads get together and drive her away. Now, she live somewhere alone out on coast away from Licktoad village. Somewhere right near fireworkz ship, if Scribbleface map is right. Too bad for you, hope you no get eat up by she-goblin cannabis. Oh well, me sure you be just fine with so many brave 'he-roez' to help. Slorb go now, many orders to give for big bon-fire tonight!"
Slorb saunters away, leaving Glop to wallow in the shame of being a gigantic suck up.
The afternoon proceeds apace, with the four important chosen goblins enjoying their new celebrity as heroes of the Licktoad Tribe. As night falls, a group of four struggling goblins appear, carrying the creaking and swaying Teeter Chair (with the immense Chief Gutwad perched precariously atop it as always) out to the bonfire. Once the thone has been set in its prominent place (fortunately without mishap) the chief produces, from somewhere amongst his rolls of fat, a foot-long wooden tube with a long trailing fuse. The ever-present and ever-annoying Slorb tosses a burning torch up to the Chief, who lights the fuse with a flourish of his pudgy hand. The fuse quickly burns down, followed by a series of colorful pyrotechnic balls launching forth from the mouth of the tube, one after the other in rapid succession. One of the balls strikes a 'throne bearer' directly in the eye, eliciting a hideous shriek of pain, but most of the balls find their intended target: the bonfire, which ignites in a glorious conflagration of orange flame! Goblins young and old cheer wildly.
Upon this signal, Slorb whines loudly, "Let celebration and revels now begin!" Many tasty foods are produced in short order, (much to the delight of Thok and the others) including snails, fish, and snakes. Some goblins produce crude drums made from the skulls of various animals and begin pounding out an asynchronous 'rhythm.' Before much longer, someone cracks open a barrel of fermenting cider apples, and the wild debauchery is now well and truly underway.
Glop finds the others and tells how he twisted Slorb's bones and bashed his brains to get knows of stuff about quest. He tell other's Slorb's words so he not forget himself later. Then finding the strongest drink and saltiest pungent foods he cleanses sweet sappy taste of Slorb talk from his mouth. Makes a Trip to the barfing stump to regurgitate on the chance he swallowed any unspoken Slorb words left in his mouth, them eats again keeping it down this time. Next he strips naked, throwing his cloths into the bonfire and dances with the flames licking his skin to burn off any lingering Slorb smell left on him. Glob starts eyeing the gathered villagers for a more desirable smell to rub against his skin tonight . . . Heh heh heh. He has his fifteen minutes of fame to cash in after all. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
Grimlek eats and drinks with gusto. Bestowing blessings upon goblins from mighty Grimlek for good bits of food and drink. Toothlizard gorges himself on a giant pile of frogs before passing out on his side his legs twiching.
Thud watches the ignition ceremony with intense interest mumbling repeatedly in awe, big...FIRE! He breaks out of it as the food arrives and makes a spectacle of himself by shoving snails in his ears and making a necktie out of a snake. Finally he puts a fish on his head which kinda dwarfs his little pointy head and minces around saying in an even more squeaky irritating voice, "Me Slorb! Everybody listen to me because me stooopid. blah-blah-blah."
Thok, ever the adept of fire, enjoys a hearty supper of snails, frogs, snakes and fish. When full, perhaps for the first time in his life, he gets in a good drink of fermented cider, and joins in the dancing and debauchery. Whether or not this leads to a rendezvous with an attractive female goblin, who can say?
Thud eventually loses track of his im-goblin-ation and shoves the fish and snake down his gullet. He grabs a dog skull of cider and slurps it with gusto as he watches the fire. Suddenly he feels the need for more fireworks. "Thud want more big BOOMS! Where are big BOOMS?! wait, we get big BOOMS, yes?"
Thud eventually loses track of his im-goblin-ation and shoves the fish and snake down his gullet. He grabs a dog skull of cider and slurps it with gusto as he watches the fire. Suddenly he feels the need for more fireworks. "Thud want more big BOOMS! Where are big BOOMS?! wait, we get big BOOMS, yes?"
Wachs Thud upside head
dumdum Thud. Yez, Chief pickz us four to be big big heroz. One of us to bring back booms, one to get eats by cannibals, one to get ripped up shreds by dogs and one to get poisoned by thorny stuffs. I pick booms. What one you want?
Grimlek think hard about what Glop say. Maybe we send out some stupid goblins for to be eaten and poisoned. Then we as "one goblin" group can bring back firebooms. Then we all live and be mighty goblins and stupid goblins die to make forest happy.
Grimlek looks very proud of himself to have thought such a good plan.
okay. We do dat. Grimlek talk goods.
glop scratches his head, picking off a flake. Sniffs it. Licks it. Looks around. Looks around more.
what? Did we do it? Wait. What?
Were dat voice in my head dat tell me what to do? I'm supposed to be doing somethink.
scratches butt. Sniffs finger. Licks it.
oh wells. Voices always comes back. Me wait.
Glop starts feeling itches in more sensitive areas. . .