Thus begins the adventure of the Riflemen of West Virginia, and their compatriots throughout.
Our first adventure is We Be Goblins!, what Paizo describes as "a most unusual adventure for 1st-level goblin characters."
The Licktoad goblins of Brinestump Marsh have stumbled upon a great treasure—fireworks! Yet unfortunately for them, the tribe member responsible for the discovery has already been exiled for the abhorrent crime of writing (which every goblin knows steals words from your head). To remedy this situation, the Licktoads’ leader, His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad, has declared that the greatest heroes of the tribe must venture forth to retrieve the rest of the fireworks from a derelict ship stranded in the marsh. In order to prove themselves as the Licktoads’ bravest goblins, the PCs must complete a series of dangerous dares, from swallowing bull slugs and braving the dreaded Earbiter to dancing with Squealy Nord himself. Yet even once they’ve proven their mettle, the adventure is just beginning. For the ship in question is far from uninhabited, and Vorka the cannibal goblin would like nothing better than a few tasty visitors....
We be Licktoads! We make raid!
Put the longshanks to the blade!
Burn them up from feet to head,
Make them hurt, then make them dead!
Cut the parents into ham,
Smush the babies into jam,
All the rest in pot get stewed,
We be Licktoads - you be food!
You be goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed.
Yesterday, Licktoads discovered one of your own had been using forbidden arts, one of the greatest of taboos — writing things down. In fact, rumor is he was writing a history of Licktoads! Stealing words is bad luck, so Licktoads branded his face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
Before house burn-burned, Chief Gutwad found a weird box in there. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks — fireworks good for burning hut down! Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be feast to drive out any bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But, even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the
tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in
Licktoad history!
---
Story begins in front of Moot house. Two guards stand at door and won't let in! Well, one guard has bottle halfway up nose, other guard says "His Mighty Girthness not see visitors yet! Slorb know you here. Gi' him a minute or seven."
"Chuffy be sneakiest Licktoad, therefore Chuffy be best Licktoad," you are assured by Chuffy. "Furthermore, Chuffy name be 'Lickwound,' and tribe name be 'Licktoad.' Chuffy thinks his case be made."
Chuffy's logic is unassailable.
Poog stomps up to the guards in front of Moot house. He looks them both in the eye, each in turn.
Obviously unimpressed by the talkative guard's fundamental grasp of concepts such as time and numbers, the defiant Poog exclaims, "Zarongel and Poog buddy-buddy, buddy. Poog can burn-burn you good-good. So don't make Poog wait seven minutes, cause that make Zarongel wait 7 minutes, and if you make Poog's tribe friends wait 7 minutes each, then that's a lot of 7 minutes and ain't nobody got time for that."
Confident that he has put the guards in their place, the tiny cleric swings his large cranium around to smile at the other Licktoads gathered around. He then attempts to proceed past the guards into the Moot house.
Mogmurch rolls his eyes at Poog's misunderstanding of the esoteric science of chronology. Better to ignore him, he thinks as he absentmindedly scrapes a length of rat entrails from his ear and pops it in his mouth.
"Sneakmaking both fun and usepull, but Mogmurch have secret of splosions," he says, casting a snide smirk at Chuffy. "Thuswise scientistically bestest Licktoad, and natural leaderer for extradition."
He ponders the very real possibility that Chuffy could cut him open in his sleep and tie him to a tree with his own intestines, thus making him, by all rights, the new leader. He also ponders the possibility that Reta might do the same, but without waiting for him to fall asleep. "Or at least, mostest imported member," he amends sheepishly.
Bottle guard think to self Gutwad kill Chuffy and Mogmurch if they says they bestgoblin around chief. Or worse. Bottle guard grin, though hard to see with bottle in nose.
Good guard shrugs at Poog: "Not my rule. Slorb says to Muk, 'Muk, you no let them in untils I says! Mighty Gutwad had rough night after all the firedrink and even rougher morning, but you no tell them that', so I keep you here!"
Bottle guard has bottle three-quarters of way up nose. "AHAHA. Keba record broken!" Muk nonplussed.
Reta laughs loudly at the boys and the obvious confusion of the guards that Poog caused, "Reta bestest there is. Reta makes big smash. Who needs sneakysneaky when you have a big stick?" amused at her own comment she looks at Mogmurch, then back to the guards, " Mister guards should let Reta and friends in because we is bestest in Licktoad tribe and Chief sent for us by name, Reta's being the best of course. We no tell Slorb you told us about the firedrink when you wasn't apposed to"
Muk look annoyed. "Are earholes full? I can't let you in becau..."
High-squeaky voice interrupts screaming. "His Mighty Girthness, Chief Rendwattle Gutwad see chosen Licktoads now!."
Muk stare into distance. "...You go in now."
Moot House crammed with Licktoad trophies: stolen weapons, shinys, brine-pickled dogs... good stuff! Inside big room, Gutwad sit on great Teeter Chair, as tall as longshanks. Slorb stand next to Teeter Chair, wearing schmancy clothes and acting like he Mighty Girthness."
Slorb tells Goblins "Sit before Chief Gutwad and Chief Advisor Slorb. Gutwad say to me to say to you important things and you listen good!." Legend say Chief Gutwad words so strong, they scare words out of other Gobos' heads, and only Slorb not scared of words.
Gutwad no mumble to Slorb though...
Gutwad speak to all Licktoads in Moot House with boomvoice! "You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission.
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to a place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there!
“I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!”
Poog clears his throat and puffs out his chest.
"Oh Great Chief Gutwad, the immensest immensity, terror of dogs and longshanks, eater of many bugs, your girth's majesty make Poog sing of fire. Poog accept hero mission. Zarongel and Poog and mask-one and sneak-one and girl-one all bring back fireworks. Zarongel and Poog and mask-one and sneak-one and girl-one make dead many dogs and many longshanks. Poog promise by great Zarongel to not set off every of the fireworks once find them, but to bring some of fireworks to great chief."
Impressing himself with his ability to suck up when it counts, Poog figures it a good idea to make a special request.
"Oh Great and feared Rendwattle, Girthiest Gutwad and majestic Chief, can Poog and mask-one and sneak-one and girl-one take from Licktoad treasure pile before go on hero adventure? Poog sure that things in treasure pile make hero adventure more better for all."
Poog sure hope Chief not feed Poog to Squealy Nord because Poog ask for tribe treasure...
Reta looks at Poog with the deepest admiration and joins in his acceptance of the new mission.
"Super awesome-y awesomeness bestest Cheif ever, Reta promise to smash all the dogses the most, and promises to be brave and bring back all the fireworks for Licktoad glory. Reta promisesesthat Squealy Nord be hungry long time because of great success we great, but not as great as you, Licktoads have at getting to Scribbleface's " spits on the ground at the mention of his name "secret secret place."
Chief Gutwad rolls eyes, bored of meeting. "Slorb, give them fun map and away them." Gutwad closes eyes and rubs sides of head, waving all gobos from room.
Slorb rifles through box at foot of Teeter Chair and pulls map out. "We make big bonfire for tonight's festifest. You help make bonfire too, or the bad luck will kill you." Slorb explain.
Poog looks at Slorb trying to gain a clue from the fancy looking gobbo as to how one goes about reading a map.
"Fun map send Poog into Brinestump? Slorb know secrets about Brinestump, right? Slorb smart and helpful and good at fires and can help hero Licktoads with firework adventure. Tell Poog Brinestump secrets!"
Poog ask Slorb nice-like about Brinestump. Slorb appreciate flattery.
"You know marsh! Lots of goody goodies, lots of hidey hidies. Buggies, froggies, snakey-wakes. Tried a new yummy yum, made Slorb sick." Slorb rub tummy and stick tongue out.
"Don't have to worry about Longshanks. They stay on road. Stupid dogs don't care about road." Slorb points to ripped part of shirt.
Slorb lean in close like big secret. "Ruxi say she saw Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many around." Slorb shudder at thought.
"Also, Vorka out there, somewhere. Maybe longshanks got her. Maybe she got longshanks." Slorb shrugs.
Mogmurch scratches his head. Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many is renowned for her ferocity, he thinks. While it may be prudent to skirt her territory altogether in the interest of safety, the Licktoad Heroes could surely leverage her defeat to greater glory, prestige, and rewards. Vorka, however, remains an unknown factor. Lack of reliable information on her renders her entirely a mystery, and that is unacceptable. She would have to die, as a matter of course.
Mogmurch grins to himself. Their corpses - or easily recognizable elements thereof - would make excellent trophies for His Mighty Girthness.
"Give Mogmurch mappery!" he demands. "Mogmurch plot course for avenger!"
Mogmurch look at map.
Map two pictures and line. First picture show Moot House and gobohead. Must be Licktoad village! Blue line go righ... no left. Left. Blue line go left and windy-windy all the way to Great Saltpool. On way to Saltpool, picture of boat, but not on the Saltpool. Big red X on boat. Easy to get to, but one problem -- Vorka territory.
Bonfire means flames. Flames mean shadows. Shadows mean hiding. Chuffy approves.
Mogmurch notices Chuffy's demented grin - and the diseased face that bears it. I'm pretty sure Vorka would disapprove of this offering. He's probably too wiry for good eating anyway. And while I think we could wrestle Reta into submission as a group, she'd likely chop at least one of us in half before we could offer her up. Unacceptable! No, Vorka gets to eat Poog, Mogmurch decides. As a bonus, we won't have to put up with his grandstanding and moralizing anymore! We'll see how much luck his favor with Zarongel will afford him when he's on Vorka's spit!
Mogmurch stares at Poog and giggles maniacally. This is nothing out of the ordinary.
Poog cranes his neck trying to read the fun map over the shoulder of Mogmurch. He stands on his tip toes and sways back and forth until ultimately falling on his back side with an audible wet thwack.
Oh no! Not Dogfinder!
Fearing that he has squished his lucky pet toad, Dogfinder, Poog frantically searches his pack.
Shew! It was just old lucky toad. He was already squished so no worries.
"Flames, was close call!" Poog exclaims to no one in particular.
Poog walks off, too distracted by his close call toad squishing to notice the look Mogmurch is giving him.
"Bonfire time! Bonfire time! Bad luck no match for bonfire time!" Poog continues singing to himself as he makes his way to the bonfire location.
Licktoad tribe spend afternoon making bonfire from branches, sticks, and rest of ruins of Scribbleface’s hut. Best goblins do least work, cause they smart. Night falls, and four worser goblins carry Teeter Chair and Chief Gutwad out to bonfire.
Chief Gutwad take wood-thing, set on fire, and more fire come out! POW POW POW right on bonfire wood and bonfire flamin'!
Foodmakers bring out goody-goods; snails, fish snakes... goody-goods. Even barrel of cider apples!
Mogmurch wastes no time in shoveling great squelchy fistfuls of food into his mouth. He even found a fat tick on Erkax's leg! It was even crunchier and bloodier than he'd expected! If this isn't statistically sound evidence of good luck, I don't know what is! he thinks gleefully.
Poog stare longingly into the blaze that was formerly casa de Scribbleface. Poog hums to himself as he forks heaps of goody-goods into his gaping maw. Humming and chewing work in surprising harmony. Everyone should try it sometime.
Zarongel will be pleased that burny flames rise so high and burn so hot!
INDEED I AM VERY PLEASED, YOUNG POOG! YOU SHALL HAVE GREAT LUCK ON YOUR ADVENTURE. BURN DOGS. RIDE ANIMALS. BURN OTHER THINGS ALSO. IF THESE THINGS ARE DONE THEN I WILL GRANT YOU FAVOR. OH, AND BEWARE THE SMARTY SMART MASK ONE. HE WANT TO STABBY STAB YOUNG POOG.
Poog think cider apples kicking in. Poog hear voices.
All Licktoads eat and drink, drink and eat! Mogmurch and Poog really enjoy stuffing big gaping mouths full. Cider apples good and strong.
Maybe too strong. Nah... no such thi... maybe too strong...
NAH, NO SUCH THING.
Mogmurch feels pleasantly buzzed by the apples. Quite amazing, this culinary magic!
Feeling playful, he shouts, "Mogmurch best headstander of Licktoads! Other gobbos inable to match airtime!" He promptly attempts to balance on his noggin.
He feels a bit chagrined when he almost immediately topples over.
Head full of cider and belly full of snakes and snails, Poog decides he should look around for any unguarded pickle barrels. He'd love to have some extra pickles in his sack for the journey into Brinestump. Well, he'd like to have a few extra pickles regardless of any reasoning.
Poog skirts the perimeter of what has turned into quite the Licktoad hoot nanny. He squints his eyes looking for any abandoned barrels.
Licktoads and Gutwad not known for rationing early in season; almost all food out for bonfire. Some pickle-barrels, but mostly brine -- legend that pickles help fight off cider apple woozies. One still half-full of pickled potatoes. Bad experiment, but it's something.
Mogmurch is dismayed by the dozen or so goblins, some of them especially feeble of mind or body, that have managed to stay upright and upside-down into their fifth minute. "Headstanding stupid metric of personal worth anyway," he grumbles, oddly coherently. He grabs an armful of cider apples and heads to the babycages to make some infants sick. Always good for a laugh, that!
Poog looks into the barrel half full of pickled potatoes.
This look like bad experiment, but at least it's something.
Poog stuffs half a dozen pickled potatoes into his pickle sack.
Maybe these go good with pickled fish heads. Find out later.
Mogmurch giggles maniacally at the intoxicated babies. My work here is done!
Evening fun and wonderful! Soon after suppers, half-lit bottle guard approaches. Bottle conspicuous in absence; fountain of blood from nose conspicuous in presence. "Hey! You Licktoad gobos goin' on the quest! Hows bouts yous proves yous as bests as yous says yous is!"
Former-bottle guard has piqued curiousity.
"I dares you alls... to dance with Squealy Nord!"
Licktoads gasp, and some cackle. Squealy Nord fearsome bore who live in mud pit next to now-drunk goblin baby cages. Squealy Nord eat dead goblins; no one dare tangle with Squealy for long!
Sweet Erastil, what ever have I done to deserve such loathsome accommodations? A minor transgression as a babe should not warrant this vile punishment? The shells of these green, wretched, filthy monsters are what you have chosen for me to dine on in eternity?
Lo, they bring the rope once more. I pray it fits my neck too tightly so that I my finally slip my bonds from this miserable existence.
"Oink."
Mogmurch steels his resolve. Squealy Nord, harbinger of death. Squealy Nord, devourer of souls. Squealy Nord, every Licktoad's lifetime dread. And I get the opportunity to show this nightmare up?
"Squealy Nord no murch for Mogmatch!" he roars. He chugs a dose of mutagen and crushes the empty pot against his well-protected forehead. His vision blurs and his body twitches. In retrospect, this is way more efficient than cider apples.
Poog can't believe what he is hearing. Squealy Nord? He knew that one day he would face down Squealy Nord, but he was sure that day was far from approaching.
Zarongel give Poog luck in adventure before adventure!
Poog draws his dogslicer and swings it around wildly in the air, perhaps limbering up before whatever tangle is to come.
"Oh Squealy Nord, devourer of Licktoad not breathings, what Poog and others can do make you not devour Poog tonight?"
Mogmurch nimbly hops from foot to foot, limbering up for what is to come.
Is Poog . . . oinking? he thinks. Trying to make peace with the beast? He must be terrified!
Reta looks at bottle guard questioningly. Gobo boys think dancing with Squealy Nord is sign of bravery. Them should try dancing with Reta She laughs out loud.
Reta goes over and stands right in front of Squealy Nord and looks him dead in the eyes, "Ok Nordy, let's me and yous dance, oinker."
Mogmurch and Reta line up for dance. Nordkeeper says "You dance with tha Nord? You get on back and you hold on until... um..." Nordkeeper searches surroundings, finding three cider apples. "I chew this many up!"
Poog oink at Squealy Nord; gobospeculation cider apples.
"Poogy, yous wants go first or me?", Reta says looking longingly at Poog, not wanting hims to get hurt.
Squealy Nord's head snaps toward the goblin speaking in oinks and snorts.
"Oink."
"The Licktoads seek to humiliate me once more, do they not? I can smell it in the air; the prelude to a great corpse feast. This one shall bide his time and watch his slavers be their own ruination.
"You, you presumptuous cur, I shall spare your life when the Great Undoing occurs, if but you present me some victuals not consisting of the flesh of your peers. I may even choose to mitigate your embarrassment these eve.
"I await your acceptance of this more than generous offer."
That Chuffy sneakiest of Licktoad tribe beyond question. That sneakiness make Chuffy best of Licktoad tribe also beyond question. That sneakiness also prevent other Licktoads from appreciating Chuffy's greatness a complicating factor. To demonstrate greatness, Chuffy must be less sneaky so more noticeable. Chuffy face existential crisis.
Chuffy think back to story told by respected Goblin bard JD Salinger of young Goblin named Holden Caulfield. Holden Caulfield proclaim rejection of phoniness among Goblin society. Chuffy remember that Holden Caulfield a jerk, and not in that fun way most Goblins jerks, but in whiny, self-absorbed way. Also Chuffy not understand why Salinger such big deal when he hadn't told any stories since that one about Holden Caulfield. He just hide in his hut all the time refusing to tell any more stories. Chuffy reject Holden Caulfield rejection of phoniness. To prove greatness Chuffy act not great -- sneakiest of Licktoads not sneak! Sneakiest of Licktoads bumble about in full view of whole tribe, engaging in comical semi-competent antics. This sure to win the approval of all Licktoads.
"Chuffy valiantly ride Squely Nord or comically embarrass himself trying!"
Nordkeeper point to Mogmurch: "You start first. You brought own helmet... might save life!"
And so my trials begin anon. Come at me, you devil, and I shall make sure you leave this ring with two skulls exposed!
Mogmurch steel self for dance. Mogmurch climb on Nord, and Nordkeeper release leash!
Mogmurch have good start, but Nord buck too hard, and send Mogmurch to the ground...
...but Mogmurch land on feet! Mogmurch scurry out of pigpen while Nordkeeper retrieve Nord for next victim rider.
I shan't be tamed by the likes of you! Begone and recount your sins!
Reta cackles as the silly one with the skull goes flying into the air.
Mogmurch lifts his mask and adjusts his eyepatch so that he can adequately see through the hole in it. "Nord not eat Mogmurch bones this day!" he proclaims gleefully. "Nordsurvival adequaint metric of personal worth!"
"Oh Squealiest of Nords, you talk gooder than any Licktoad talk afore. And I hear you talk good and I talk good too. Here. Poog give you squished toad and pickled fish heads. Enjoy. Also. Poog give you these. Pickled potatoes. Failed experiment, but at least it's something. You eat these goody goods in trade you let Poog ride."
Poog hope this work.
Squealy Nord consumes Poog's offering with gusto.
"Snort, snort."
Pickled potatoes. Erastil, is there nothing these philistines wouldn't ferment in this vile bog water?