Mogmurch glances at the lot appraisingly. Not a single pair of feminine eyes fixated hungrily on him. This might do, he thinks. I might finally get some respite from the unending ache in my thighs.
"Greets, crone!" he says. "Is you worthy to be meeting with mightly Licktoads?"
Turning to Mogmurch, Poog quietly and confidently states "You wanna mulchy eflusive? I got your brutally reclusive... watch this."
Poog then turns to the shaman-looking lady gobbo.
"Oh haggard and ugly goblin of lesser tribe than Licktoad who appears to be in charge of pretty good tribe called Bird Cruncher, but most definitely not in charge of really goodest tribe called Licktoad... cause we Licktoad... and we whole tribe now, Please give unto Poog, da bestest cleric of Zarongel, who is me, and who me is, all da informativisation that you gots. Includes in testification all speaking as to Birdcruncher tribe.
"Poog and other Licktoads ask you, oh powerful stranger of ugly goblins of tribe not called Licktoads, what policy as to vacation? Is Birdcruncher tribe providing the healthy benefits? Also Birdcruncher travel reimbursement is quick and easy?
"But firstest, oh slimy lady of tribe almost as good but definitely not as bestest as Licktoads, please... testification as to why all Birdcruncher look like dogs close by. Is dogs close by? Also, do you happen to know what happened to Licktoads?"
Reta still completely enamored with Poog smiles as she watches the mighty Poog put the silly Mogmurch in his place. Reta grips her dog slicer tightly at the mention of dogs and stays on the alert watching over all the Birdcrunchers and watching their backs to make sure nothing was following them.
Reta whispers to Chuffy "Sumfin not quite right here ya kin?"
Crone takes in everything Poog have to say. She begin:
"Well, well! What have we here? Licktoads, eh, and from what I hear, orphans as well, hmm? Looking for a new place to live, I suspect? Well, you might be in luck, because we need new blood. Our own chieftains have been... lacking... in chieftainish ways. We’ve been having problems lately with an ogre and his fire-breathing boars, you see, and any goblins capable of killing the boars and driving off the ogre... or driving off the boars and killing the ogre... or... or whatever—well, they’ll not only be welcomed into Birdcruncher territory with open arms. They’ll be made chieftains, one and all!"
Other Birdcruncher goblins suddenly cheer and sing. Eager and excited, they surge out of the cave to welcome their saviors, but suddenly freeze as the old woman shrieks out a command for silence. The goblins freeze in place, and she continues in a softer voice.
"But we can’t just assume you’re the stuff chieftains are made of. You might just be lucky. No, no... before we accept you as our saviors and before you’ll even have a chance to face off against Pa Munchmeat and his pig... I declare we have a Chieftain Moot!"
All goblins begin to cheer again! All goblins know Chieftain Moot means big festival with games and dares! Crone spouts off orders to other goblins and invites Licktoads into cave.
"I Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh. Warm feet by fire. I figure yous hads long day. Yous ask about Licktoads? Haven't heard much. Know that longshanks have been a-raidin'. They not come this far in. Cave keeps us mostly safe, 'cept for ogre. Think he scare off even longshanks."
Fire. Breathing. BOARS. Mogmurch imagines the sight in awe. I definitely need to make Poog train me one as a mount. This is everything an animal should be! I would be the most fearsome goblin in all of oral history!
He sits by the fireside, with his feet almost touching the cinders. "Chieftain Moot sound fun," he declares. "Mogmurch assume glittery prizes can be winned?"
Chuffy confident that his silent ways will serve him well at the Chieftan Moot. Poog talk to much today that Chuffy already moot in comparison. On other hand moot Chieftan not about to order other Gobbos around, so that a problem.
Licktoads rest while Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh orders Birdcrunchers to ready feast and tomorrow's task. Birdcrunchers very secretive -- not rude, but not talky-talky.
In evening, feast is presented. Quite obvious differences in local cuisine: seagull soup, charred grackle, raven’s-eye pudding, vulture-ups, spicy sparrow poppers, and squeaky beakies.
Darkness falls, and Wise Mummy brings out Crunchy Crown of Birdcruncher Tribe.
"Tomorrow, Birdcrunchers will have new chief. And this one will kick out ugly Munchmeat from Ravenroost. Whoever prove their worth tomorrow at moot will get crown and may loot Chieftain's treasure chest!"
Birdcrunchers oooh at sound of prize.
Birdcrunchers very secretive -- not rude, but not talky-talky.
No wonder they want a moot for a Chieftan.
Quite obvious differences in local cuisine: seagull soup, charred grackle
Licktoads more accustomed to grackle soup and charred seagull, but the change delightful.
Reta is going to mingle with the other gobbos from the Birdcrunchers and try to ask questions about their culture and understand them better and make new friends, all her old friends are gone, she will play on female sympathies to try to make a new best friend.
Licktoads carouse with Birdcrunchers best they can, especially Reta, who look for best friend.
Reta find girl-gobo Olba; very sensitive but what a mouth! That thing huge in all senses of word!
Tears flow down Olba's eyes and around big mouth. Must have been something Reta said.
Night passes and next day brings Goblin games and dares!
Early morning, Birdcrunchers escort Licktoads south to valley. Helper goblin give each Licktoad a shortbow and three arrows fletched with different colors (Reta get white, Poog get red, Mogmurch get black, Chuffy get blue). And blindfold -- blindfold important. Birdcrunchers clamber onto trees and rocks to watch.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh explain rules: "Alright yous hopefuls chiefys! First task is Blind Bird Shot! You put on blindfold, I release cage of seagulls, and you try to hit! That easy! First cage worth 2 points. Next cage worth 2 and 2 points. Last cage worth 2 and 2 and 2 points. Now put on blindfolds and we begin!"
Chuffy led by blind ambition to be Chieftan of Birdcrunchers, so he step up first to shoot birds.
Round 1!
Round 2!
Round 3
How many Moot Points Chuffy make?
"Okie Donkey. Here go Poog!"
"Like dat? Watch dis."
"Savor da flavor"
"Reta chop and Reta bite!"
"Reta slay and Reta fight!"
"Reta Stab and Reta smite!"
"Reta kills it all just right!"
Licktoads orient selves as Wise Mummy releases first batch of seagulls. Chuffy orient good but fire wild, almost hitting bystander. Poog swear he hear one directly overhead and fire wildly straight up. Reta zero in on seagulls...
...and peg one out of sky for 2 points! Mogmurch have trouble finding birds and fumble with bow -- inexperience shows and rewarded with jeers.
Second set of birds released... Chuffy hear flock and loose arrow directly into flock...
...but Seagulls miraculously unscathed. Poog doesn't even hear next flock and fire wildly, with predictable results. Reta fire another arrow on target...
...and drop it out of sky. 4 points Reta! Mogmurch gets arrow on mark...
...but not close enough to hit birdy.
Third set of birds released... Chuffy getting hang of blind-shooting...
...and bring one out of sky for 6 points! Poog hopeless... only miracle could keep him in competition. Reta have trouble with last batch, but get close to mark...
...and hit third bird, for 6 points! Mogmurch lose track of last flock and fire lower than anticipated, just over head of onlookers.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh send goblins to collect dead birds and bring them to count.
"Well, it seems you have some skill. Reta, I see three seagulls with three white arrows. That 12 points! Chuffy, you got two closest birds, that worth 6 points. Now, what I don't see are any black or re..."
As she speak, dead vulture come falling out of sky on top of dead seafulls, a single red-fletched arrow through head.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh look at Poog.
"That worth at least ten points."
Goblins praise Licktoads as they lead them to next challenge.
Mogmurch calmly places the bow and the remaining black-fletched arrows in a pile on the ground, steps back, and explodes them.
Archery is for chumps.
As the vulture plummets toward the earth, Poog starts shrieking.
"Move fools comet comin fer us! Zarongel see Poog use unholy coward bow and now we doomed!!!"
When the vulture finally lands, and Poog is awarded points for his kill, the mood lightens quite a bit.
"Heh. Poog test your faith and you fail. Of course, Poog hit biggest bird. Poog da bestest Cleric of Zarongel and rewarded regularically. Now... who wanna burn some birds?"
Goblins head to swamp nearby where much buzzing can be heard. Swamp seems to have been previous build site, and in traditional goblin style -- failed. Posts laid along swamp ten feet from water, and planks ran haphazardly along posts, making wobble-bridges. Some posts have scary-big mosquito things tied to them...
Wise Mummy quiet gobos to explain rules:
"This game called Stirge Swamp Stomp. Chieftain hopefuls go out onto planks and kill as many stirges as they can. Kill a stirge, get two points. Fall into the swamp, no more points. Last goblin standing, five points. Also, you wear these..."
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh point to four pairs of big, stupid, clumsy longshanks boots.
"You begin when I throw this thing," brandishing flashboom. Wise Mummy throw thunderstone away from crowd, and game is off!
Mogmurch plucks the cork from an extract of expeditious retreat and downs the sticky amber fluid. This should even the playing field in my favor! he thinks. Mogmurch has never been accused of having a firm grasp of fair play.
He darts for the plank in front of Reta, then carefully (yet still supernaturally quickly) moves to the first stirge post, ready to squash it under his preposterous footwear.
Poog reaches into his pickle sack and securely grabs his lucky toad, Dogfinder, around the rib cage. He looks longingly into his amphibious friend's eyes, then croaks into his ear hole.
Dogfinder jumps off of Poogs hand and darts around various planks until finally stopping, sitting still, and giving a very squeaky (almost lady like) "CRO-ack."
Poog heads off in Dogfinder's direction.
When Chuffy turn roll around, Chuffy acrobat out slightly onto unoccupied plank, presumably one in front of Chuffy.
En route, Chuffy draw his hand crossbow and when five feet out plank, stop and shoot farthest Stirge to the left.
Reta five foot shifts to a7 and shots the stirge in front of her.
Mogmurch quaff potion, and little gobolegs move quicky-quick across plank.
Poog croak to Dogfinder and Dogfinder listen. Dogfinder regard planks and figure those in front of Chuffy best. Poog set one shaky boot on plank, trip on laces, knock head hard on plank, and fall into swamp.
Reta step up, take her bow -- who needs rules anyway? -- and fire at stirge directly ahead (), hitting true.
Chuffy carefully balance out on abandoned plank and try to shoot stirge, but it too small and too movey.
Wise Mummy yell out "Reta! You get on posts or you get no points!"
"Fairs fair, Reta forgot we have to stand on poles to play game and follow rules, Reta wants to be good Cheiftain, follows rules now"
Mogmurch attempts to pulp the stirge beneath his boot.
Chuffy remain where Chuffy is, reload crossbow and shoot same Stirge
"Poog never forgive you this time Dogfinder. You have one job. ONE JOB. Find Poog safe travel. You find Poog face full swamp. You lucky you lucky toad. You may be squish toad."
Feeling that Dogfinder is sufficiently scolded, Poog approaches the closest plank in order to get close to a stir ge and hit it with his sword.
Mogmurch apply massive boot to face of stirge...
...
and Mogmurch realize this might take a while.
Muddy boggy Poogy want back in game and try to climb nearest post...
...but hard to find handholds.
"Fall into the swamp, no more points."
Reta take same plank as Mogmurch and fire arrow at stirge, popping it right in big dumb stomach. 2 points!
Chuffy try to shoot stirge, but shot way off mark. Bad bolt. Yeah! BAD bolt.
Chuffy don't let a bad bolt keep him down. Chuffy reload and try again!
Mogmurch is dismayed by how horrendously designed the longshank boot is. Footwear is solely for squishing things! Longshank cobblers must only encounter slugs and snails. They have no idea how much fun it is to stomp on frogs and rats and lizards, Mogmurch muses. And CRABS! O, Zarongel, how wonderful it is to crush a crab, hearing its shell splinter and feeling its soft innards spurt against the underside of one's foot! Truly a feast for the senses and one of the wonders of life.
But anyway, screw this dogflop. Bombs are way more efficient.
He keeps his boot on the stirge so as to claim it for later, and chucks a bomb at the one nearest Chuffy. If the bomb misses, maybe it'll knock Chuffy into the mire. This would not be a bad thing.
Mogmurch resort to munitions to get job done...
...successfully killing stupid bug and giving Chuffy bit of shock as well.
Reta take aim at stirge across way...
...and clip wing pretty good.
Chuffy fire at stirge at far west and get him good in abdomen.
Chuffy Evade?
Burnt or not, Chuffy advance on another stupid, stupid stirge, drawing dogslicer on way, and slice it like a dog!
Chuffy threaten a crit!
"You die now!"
Mogmurch is pleased with the results of his application of explosives, but a little dismayed that he probably won't have an opportunity to blast Chuffy again in the name of healthy competition. Anyway: let's do that again!
Mogmurch deploy munitions on distant stirge and hit with authority! Neighboring stirge...
...marginally more lucky.
Reta shot close, but stirge jerk at last moment.
Chuffy make expert hop to next plank and take swipe and freshly charred stirge, maiming but not quite killing.
WHAT? No. No no no no NO. Chuffy is NOT going to steal my kill.
Mogmurch lobs a bomb at Chuffy's target.
Tired of seeing the other Licktoads fail miserably at destroying these whack-a-stirges, Poog swims over to about D1. He cries out to Zarongel.
"ZARONGEL!"
He can feel his hands warm with holy hot heat.
"Poog feel hands warm with holy hot heat!"
"Seriously...die already!!!!!"
Chuffy continues to acrobatics and slice as appropriate.
Mogmurch continue carpet-bombing stirges (and Chuffy). Bomb miss, but hit blank and coat both with fire... enough to kill stirge!
Poog, disgusted by how long it take other Licktoads to kill stupid stirges, takes matters (and fire) into own hands...
...killing one and making the other wish it were dead!
Reta fire at same stirge again and peg it, but it still moving. Barely.
Chuffy attempt some heroic acrobatics to get into better position...
...and strike at stirge...
...nicking a wing.
"Ok little buggy bat thing, you die or Reta come stomp your face in!"
Mogmurch giggles to himself. Chuffy is a lot of fun to "accidentally" hit. He's the type to hold a grudge, though. When I'm chieftain, my first decree will be that Chuffy's not allowed within stabbing distance of me, ever.
He lobs another bomb, hopefully catching two stirges at once.
Chuffy's body, through sheer force of habit, continues to scramble about trying, likely unsuccessfully, to kill Stirges for however many rounds this dare continues, while Chuffy's astral form projects itself to a place called "Indy" and a thing called "GenCon."
Mogmurch go long to hit stirges at far north, making one disappear in fine mist of blood and another topple over edge smoldering.
Reta, after many arrows, finally put poor stirge out of misery.
Chuffy, denied points yet again, decide he take from taker and slice at stirge under Mogmurch's boot...
...but Mogmurch do good job of denying him again.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh let out shrill whistle to gather attention: "Okay, okay! This dare done. Next dare... time sensitive. No more time to waste on stirges! We go now!"
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh leads best Licktoads and all Birdcrunchers back to cave. Something smell different though. Strong smell of rotten meat and spoiled milk coming from area. Wise Mummy point at depression in rocks, a little over three gobolengths long and one gobobaby deep. Depression filled with very hot milk, mud, grass, dead things... look like fun if still were gobobaby. Next to depression, a delicious pie crust size of crater waits, along with cauldrons of boiling stuff, funnels, and cage with four eagles.
"We making birdmeat pie. For next dare, yous chieftain wannabes be placed in pie. Take what you want, but you'll be tied up before you go in. First goblin out get ten points. Second goblin out get five points. Third goblin out get three points. Last goblin out... no points! You kill an eagle, it five points. Stay in and get points if you want, but I guess it might get uncomfortable after a while."
Best Licktoads tied at hands and feet and slid into place in depression. Current contents of pie uncomfortably warm, but not boiling. Six Birdcrunchers lift pie-crust while another two ready the eagles. Eagles thrown unceremoniously into center, splashing curdled milk everywhere, while pie-crust lowered onto top.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh yell "Begin!" and throw down thunderstone to signal start!
Nobody puts Mogmurch in a pie! Mogmurch mentally declares. Not even for a game!
He starts gnawing and twisting his bonds. He also deliberately voids his bladder into the pie. If they want Mogmurch flavor, let them have this!
Chuffy struggles against binding.
Reta like being tied up, but can't be chief if she stay tied up.
