Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
aka Jayson MF Kip
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Man, it takes a lot of work to go from "idea in head" to "words on paper."
Lookout's Reprieve
Auramoderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 11,350 gp; Weight 30 lbs.
Description
A boon to any lone adventurer, this +2 creeping breastplate allows its wearer to sleep easier.
Once per day, the wearer of a Lookout's Reprieve can command it to patrol around an area no more than 60 feet from the wearer. While patrolling, the armor uses the Perception and Stealth scores, as well as an special senses possessed by the wielder.
If the armor notices any creature enter the area, the armor instantly teleports onto the wielder, waking him up if he is asleep.
Effects that block teleportation prevent the return of the Lookout's Reprieve.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, alarm, cat's grace, invisibility, teleport; Cost 5,850 gp
Immediate questions:
How long can it stay on patrol?
Can you designate allies or creatures for it to not trigger on? (Ex. a rabbit wanders into camp, ALERT!)
Man, it takes a lot of work to go from "idea in head" to "words on paper."
Lookout's Reprieve
Auramoderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 11,350 gp; Weight 30 lbs.Description
A boon to any lone adventurer, this +2 creeping breastplate allows its wearer to sleep easier.Once per day, the wearer of a Lookout's Reprieve can command it to patrol around an area no more than 60 feet from the wearer. While patrolling, the armor uses the Perception and Stealth scores, as well as an special senses possessed by the wielder.
If the armor notices any creature enter the area, the armor instantly teleports onto the wielder, waking him up if he is asleep.
Effects that block teleportation prevent the return of the Lookout's Reprieve.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, alarm, cat's grace, invisibility, teleport; Cost 5,850 gp
I am pretty sure this armor uses up the wielder's Armor spot. That's the first thing I noticed. That's the only Template issue I can notice.
I too, agree it needs a clear duration. One would assume while one sleeps. But that's just an assumption. Magic items do well to have exact durations if they can. Or a limited number of times per day. (This one has 8). This ALSO brings up a fun nebulous area. If I activate it in Day-A, and effect extends into Day-B... can I use it on Day-B?
Last clarification: Does this armor teleport onto the wearer at the end of the duration, or does it fall to the ground where it is.
Overall: Nice item, Useful. A would Use.
RPG Superstar: It's not the strongest contender I have seen, but it is a smart, practical item.
Would I build a character around this item: No. But I sure as hell would use it ALL the time if I found it.
Now, since I've critiqued so many times today, it's not fair unless you fire back at me.
In theme with the Ant-Man movie...
the MINI-MIGHT BREASTPLATE!
Warning: Pricing is probably way off. Did not use my fun-handy-dandy Excel sheet.
Mini-Might Breastplate
Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL10th
Slot armor slot; Price 16,200 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This +2 breastplate is marked with images of small humanoids overcoming great beasts and giants. The facets for this breastplate seem a little more snug that is comfortable, but not distractingly so.
One time per day, the wearer of the mini-might breastplate may shrink down up to three size categories. The wearer gains a +4 size bonus to Strength, and a +4 size bonus to Constitution, instead of the normal statistical penalties associated with being smaller. Only the creature's reach is reduced while shrunken. This size change lasts 1 minute, before the wearer resizes normally. The wearer can also end this effect early by taking off the breastplate.
This armor does require some caution however: removing the breastplate, or resizing in a place which the wearer cannot fit in the normal size (such as a crack in a door or in the same space as another creature it’s size) is dangerous. Resizing of the creature crushes in such conditions crushes it dealing 3d6 points of damage to it until the creature is small enough to fit inside the space again; or until the creature leaves it’s confines.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, shrink person, bear’s endurance, bull strength, covetous aura; Cost 8,275 gp
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Review for Tothric's Rib Crusher War Club
Rib Crusher War Club
Aura moderate evocation and necromancy; CL 7th
Slot —; Price 32,305 gp; Weight 65 lbs.
Description
This heavy large oaken pole is permanently stained in the blood of the fallen, it is covered in chips of bone from the many it has slain this oaken club reeks of cruelty, anger, and violence.
This Large +2 greatclub imbeds a bone shard into it's victims; which begins to dig into the victim dealing 2d6 of bleed damage points until a DC 15 heal check to pull the bone shard out. As the bone shard remains in the victim, it’s constant digging and stirring inside causes the victim to continue to bleed regardless of fast healing or magical healing.
Each Rib Crusher War Club has 3 bone shards a day that can be expended. The process to restore a bone shard early is possible, and requires the immense strength of a giant to perform. A giant that uses this club to slay a humanoid recharges a single bone shard in the club, as the violent act of smashing the victim imbeds it's bones into the club.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, corpse hammer, desecrate, touch of bloodletting, creator must be a giant; Cost 18,152 gp
Alright, let's take a look.
Good name, evocative. You could compact it though, Ribcrusher Warclub.
The weapon itself seems potent, and I wouldn't expect bleed from giants. It's not crushing ribs though! I think you could've gone with Boneshard or Bonespike + Warclub here. Maybe some penalty for the victim (perhaps to hit) while this bone shard is doing all of these horrible things to them to represent the constant pain?
Did the challenge here require some feature to be locked from PCs? Else I think it could be cool if the recharge was locked unless you had a high enough Str score. It'd badass for a Barbarian to claim such a club.
I'm sure you looked this up, but I didn't know an item could have two auras. I thought you just used the highest level spell's (or did you end up with a tie?)
Sleeves of the Void
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot wrists; Price 38,000 gp; Weight -
Description
These weightless silk tubes easily fit over their wearer’s arms, and appear black as emptiness.
If the wearer uses wields weapons or makes an attack with an unarmed strike or natural weapon, that attack gains the frost weapon special ability as shadowy tendrils lash out at his target. Upon successfully striking his target, he gains concealment against it until the end of his next turn.
As a standard action the wielder can call for the void to spill out of his sleeves. The area in a 30-ft radius around his current location becomes supernaturally dark for 1 minute. Creatures starting their turn in this supernatural darkness take 2d6 cold damage.
After using this ability, the sleeves become non-magical white sleeves until midnight, at which point they regain all powers.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blur, deeper darkness; Cost 19,000 gp
Train of thought: 8k Deliquescent Gloves + 7.56k deeper darkness 1/day, but it’s better than deeper (despite smaller area/shorter duration, it goes straight to supernaturally dark and deals damage), so rounding to 10k. The blur effect is hard to gauge. It’s nearly continuous, but limited. Continuous at this CL costs 56k. I’m going to drop this down to 20k, since it also shuts off if you use the darkness ability.
Other thought: I could've just said 1/day, but instead I chose recharges at midnight. I don't know if the wording is legit, I'm treading away from precedent here.
Review for Tothric's Rib Crusher War Club ** spoiler omitted **
Alright, let's take a look.
Good name, evocative. You could compact it though, Ribcrusher Warclub.
The weapon itself seems potent, and I wouldn't expect bleed from giants. It's not crushing ribs though! I think you could've gone with Boneshard or Bonespike + Warclub here. Maybe some penalty for the victim (perhaps to hit) while this bone shard is doing all of these horrible things to them to represent the constant pain?
Did the challenge here require some feature to be locked from PCs? Else I think it could be cool if the recharge was locked unless you had a high enough Str score. It'd badass for a Barbarian to claim such a club.
I'm sure you looked this...
Petty! The Wayfinder was doing an article on Monsters. That was the item I submitted for it! Thank you for the review. I felt 2d6 bleed, ontop of the 2d6 damage + monsterous strength score from the Giants was enough.
Aha, I just wasn't sure if it had to be locked to monsters, or mostly locked to monsters. If it required something like 24 Strength to recharge, I'd see that as a challenge!
Also thought about the name a bit more, if you wanted to keep it as Rib Crusher.
Option 1: Save vs. suffocation when ribs are crushed, would be higher level/pricier than current item.
Option 2: Expanded crit range for all to enjoy vs. target who has ribs crushed, as the heart loses protection. Or maybe look into the ruled for called shot to the heart?
Another thought: When I DM, monsters rarely care about recharging their magic items. PCs usually kill them, but if they flee, it's usually because they need to rest up, not go pick another fight. I suppose this might get use if they flee to their slaughterhouse and crush some poor peasant though.
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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Hey Blazing 9ers!
Here is an item that I included in a thing I wrote about ogres recently. I would like to get your opinions on the item.
Skull Rattle
Aura strong necromancy; CL 7th
Slot wrist; Price 33,600 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This gruesome string of skulls has been fashioned into a bracelet for a giant. Pebbles or perhaps teeth have been sealed inside the skulls so it creates an eerie rattle whenever it is shaken. When a cure spell of up to fourth level is cast within 30 ft of the wearer of a skull rattle, she may spend an immediate action to change that spell to an inflict spell of the same level. This ability may be used 3 times per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, inflict critical wounds, ability to spontaneously cast inflict spells; Cost 16,800 gp
Skull Rattle
Hey Russ, first of all, I definitely like the concept and the item's ability. My comments below simply point out some things that occured to me while reading it, in the spirit of this thread. Everything I offer is meant to be constructive.
Regarding the name, the rattle part seems a bit disconnected from the ability. Reading the name, I expect something related to the sound. This also applies to the part of the description about the rattle.
Regarding its ability, I wonder whether the wearer should be required to notice the casting in some fashion. Or, do you mean for the bracelet to "inform" its wearer automatically? Detect magic in requirements? Also, the question you raised yourself is a good one—maybe the caster should have a chance to notice and/or resist the ability. I'm not sure how I feel, but it's something to consider. Also, I'd suggest a little research on "sized" wondrous items—I can't offer much on that count, but the weight, and your mention of "for giants" leaves me wondering.
Regarding language in the description, I have a few comments. First, I think I'd prefer to see it described as a "bracelet made from __" vs "a thing fashioned into a bracelet". Second, if you stick with the rattlling sound, how about just teeth instead of pebbles or teeth? Third, I think "4th level or lower" is more in line with Paizo's style than "up to fourth level", but don't quote me on that. You might want to read or do a search or two to confirm that yourself. Consider rewording the 3rd sentence to avoid having both "of the" and "of a" in the same sentence.
Regarding template adherence:
The slot should be wrists. The aura should be moderate (based on 7th). Spell out "feet" instead of using the abbreviation. It should be "Craft Wondrous Item", not "Items". Finally, I think special requirements typically start with "creator must be able to..." instead of "ability to..."
Best wishes, and I look forward to seeing any of your revisions, assuming you post them here.
Excellent showing all!
Here is my Pym challenge entry. I will probably take a week to catch up on all the new critiques. :)
Bloatfish Halfscale
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 6th
Slot armor; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 30 lbs.
Description
Grey and silver scales join like a poorly fitting puzzle to form this +1 scale mail. Spots of dark black seem to swim from scale to scale.
Activating the bloatfish halfscale causes the wearer to suddenly expand and fill more space. The wearer makes a bull rush attempt against adjacent enemies in place of a melee attack without provoking an attack of opportunity. The targets must be in a square the wearer’s increased size occupies and success pushes the targets to the edge of her new size even if she beats their CMD by more than 5. She expands to four squares by spending one charge and grants the player a +3 bonus to the check. She expands to nine squares with two charges and gains a +5 bonus to the check. She grows to 16 squares and gains a +10 bonus by expanding 3 charges. The wearer gains a +1 size bonus to other attacks while expanded, but no other advantages (such as reach) and returns to her normal size at the end of her turn. The bloatfish halfscale starts each day with 3 charges.
Construction
Requirements Craft Arms and Armor, enlarge person; Cost 5,700 gp
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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@Joe Kondrak: Thanks for the excellent feedback.
Man, I checked on the aura more then once to make sure it was right. Seems I was looking at the active spells line in the table instead of the magic items line! Grrr....
You are right about wondrous items, they should resize for the wearer. I made this item for a huge sized ogre boss so I set the weight based on how much it would weigh when sized for a huge creature. Maybe not the best thing to do.
I will post a revision.
Welcome Balano!
Please remember these are practice items in this thread. Anything posted here will not be eligible for SS or other even publishers. :)
Smokehunter Pipe
Some of this might be duplicated by others.
- faint, conjuration, greatclub, smokehunter pipe (in the text, not the title) and spells should not be capitalized.
- Everyone can 'make a Will save', this should be 'must succeed...'
- 'is' and 'has' are weak verbs. Try putting something stronger in for verbs. For example, the second sentence has 'decorated' and 'carved' so "carved clouds decorate the heavy metal edges of this +1 greatclub..." makes the sentence stronger. It has the added advantage of reducing wordcount but since you are no where near the top limit, wordcount is not yet a worry.
- 'inhale' is the word you are looking for. This could read the "wielder ends the effect by inhaling on the pipe." You can also skip the details and just say "the wielder can end the effect as a free/move/standard action."
- The language for clouds and cover already exists, you can just refer to them, or copy them directly. I notice this is a little different in terms of distance relisting them with the difference is probably the better choice.
My favorite part of the item is the shadowy image made of the cloud stuff. That the wielder can see through the cloud when no one else can gives it a cinematic feel where the good guy takes out the bad guys one by one. The image is a step above that as it gives the same good guy a decoy. Since you have a CL of 5, this could utilize the minor image or even major image spells giving it a little more to do. But if you just want a scarecrow/decoy this is good.
Nice work :)
... Please Template Fu, teach me your ways!...
I think you have to say this three times while standing in front of dark mirror to call Template Fu. :)
Man, it takes a lot of work to go from "idea in head" to "words on paper."
Lookout's Reprieve
I saw a quote from Kevin J. Anderson about people coming to him saying "I have this great idea for a story you can use." His response is The idea is the easy part. I have lots of ideas. Writing is the part that takes work. Hard work. Why doesn't anyone ever offer to do the writing part? :)
Onto the item:
- makes adventuring safe. This works for the practice thread of course, but better to practice mojo as well. Similarly the instant armor negates a rule (donning hastily) that is almost never needed, but when it is used it is because the GM has set up something specific.
- teleport is a pretty big spell for this. I thought there was a 'summon armor' spell, but instrument was the closest I could find (instant summons does this, but is even higher in level & costs 1k gp in saphires. ack!) Dimension door might also work. hmmm... returning uses telekinesis. Mage hand? Unseen servant? I am not finding 'instant armor' now but I feel like there were several. Maybe it is 3.5 holdover I am recalling? I guess my critique would be to look for other spells.
- 'if/then' statements steal some of the item's thunder. Let it just 'do'. "When the armor notices..."
- Creeping implies the armor can move more stealthily. I would like to see this referenced when it is on patrol (unless the implication is wrong).
I like the idea of sentient armor and I like the idea of instant armor. I think this puts the two together very well (avoiding SAK).
Assistance rendered:
Cool. I dinnae even need a dark mirror! Thanks Neil :)
Naming is important to me, so it's good to know some people might not see the "gorging" part. For me, it is gorging because when it grows in size, it takes size from something else (unless they resist). It's like taking a bite out of their mass. For you, sucking it out like a mosquito is better imagery than a toothed blade.
Ah ha - I also struggle with names but I can see the confusion here
GORGE - to eat noisily and to excess
ENGORGE - to cause to swell with blood, water, other fluid.
So if your focus is the growing in size, you likely should have based the name on engorge.
... Please Template Fu, teach me your ways!...I think you have to say this three times while standing in front of dark mirror to call Template Fu. :)
Nah, he hibernates during summer and comes out again around august/september to start preparing for the next first round.
Ok, I promised myself I would post the kernal of an idea for a weapon today and I think I have one...
This is very first draft description and I believe plays with damage in a different way to most magical weapons.
I have absolutely no idea how I am going to spell this up or cost it right now, but this is the base idea...
Taskmaster's Blade
At a foot longer than a longsword, this steel blade bears an unusual feature - a silvered link chain runs along the spine of the blade, over the tip and back up the reverse side. The ends of the chain disappearing into the hilt.
As a free action, the wielder may separate sword and chain instantly fighting two weapon style, or may rejoin them as needed.
When sword and chain are combined, the damage dealt is treated as both slashing and bludgeoning.
When separated, the sword delivers damage that is both slashing and piercing, and the chain delivers damage that is both bludgeoning and piercing.
OK, I've been slacking on posting in this thread; sorry, all. I'm going to try to go back and look at some of the other items, though I think Scott's dealt with a lot of the technical stuff.
AA, I think it needs more magic. Right now, it just seems like a unique double weapon. I think I'd be inclined to look at the chainsaw in the tech guide and then see how that could be modified (though I don't think that would be a good choice for Superstar, as I think the tech guide isn't going to have a broad enough popularity with the voting public; I loved one of the chainsaws last year, though).
@AA: I think it would work better as a weapon property. I've tried homebrewing one before to convert Pit's bow / short swords.
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MiniMight Breastplate:
- I think a space is missing between CL & 10th (hard to say when spoiler is omitted on a quote). "more than" instead of more that. Grammatically breast plate is marked is correct, but more interest/action exists in marked, overcoming. "...Down up..." threw me out of the reading. In my head "...shrink up to three sizes..." works, but I am not so sure.
- if it seems a little too tight but not distractingly so, I would leave that description out. You've spent words to count to add flavor, and words to counter the flavor. It also assumes something of the wearer, as my grippli will not find the armor as tight as my human. Yes magic armor resizes, but if it resizes why not resize to fit right? I like this attempt to add a second sense to its description, 'fits a little snug' a concrete image. I would just avoid hedging.
- I like shrinking makes you more dense and +S & C, seems a simple way to demonstrate this. It almost goes counter to everything written about shrinking. While this makes it good design space, it really has to work right to work at all. I am not seeing rules for growing larger in a small space . If they exist, you do don't need to repeat them here. Since removing the armor takes minutes, this is nearly a non-issue though.
This reminds me of Mass Master of the Powerpack, where his shrinking made him stronger (and his growing made him a cloud). (My item also plays on the same character growing under someone to get good haymaker on them). Density isn't mentioned, but I think it is a great area to play in. I think it would be cool to gain hardness or DR as you shrink and get more dense.
Nice work overall. upvotes.
EDIT for Inspired: I just had a thought of armor that shrinks the wearer and when he charges he passes that shrinking onto his target. Like a cannonball that grows into a person upon contact and turning the target into a cannonball.
Sleeves of the Void
- "...as black as..."; "30 ft."
- "gains concealment against it" seems worded wrong to me. Somehow I think the target gains concealment not the wearer. Looking concealment up in the PRD it is usually phrased "benefits from concealment". I think this could just as easily blind the opponent, but your version sounds much cooler. Blindness against a single opponent is actually kind of cool (SEP field!)
- I don't equate shadowy tendrils to frost, but it does equate to cold to me. I would find a way to distinguish yours from frost. Concealment is a good way to do that. In any case, the requisite spells for frost should be present chill metal, or ice storm. The second ability is pretty nice, and I think the midnight recharge is appropriate. I did wonder how long 'after' using this ability was. You can drop 'after' & just say becomes non-magical...
Fine item, would lose to better mojo items, but otherwise gains my upvotes. :)
Thanks for the wording tips. I should have studied concealment more closely to get the wording tricks.
Good point regarding spells required for Frost. Ice Storm would fit in well with the daily ability as well.
I didn't quite like Frost, but the void usually has cold damage associated with it, and I wanted to keep that part simple.
I know it's hard to quantify, but what is this item missing in mojo/what would improve the mojo in your eyes?
AA, I think it needs more magic.
Yeah, I walked away after posting to let it settle in my mind and came to the same conclusion.
Thank you for the Feedback on things! I'm still learning. Not sure I am ready for RPG superstar. But, I think I'm starting to see Improvements in my design skills.
Thank you all again. :-)
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I think you're ready.
In some ways I think some of us on this thread tend to overthink things. We get caught up in the minutia of trying to fit between SIC & SAK, but Many fresh folks make the Top 32 simply because they wrote something they liked, it showed, and we liked it too.
Skull Rattle
I love these kind of items, but they can set up GM vs Players. It is particularly annoying when the caster kills a character they were attempting to help. A save might mitigate* some of these adversarial feelings or a way for the caster to realize what is happening and take the damage themselves/abort. There was a Top 32 pair of gloves that did something similar, I recall it pilfering the spell to heal the wearer. Looks like a good excuse for some Top 32 delving eh? :)
Nice work. Mostly upvotes. :)
Taskmaster's Blade
Is it a longsword or a greatsword, why not just say so? I am also confused about the chain covering the blade (reverse of the spine is the blade right). Similarly, changing damage type is confusing. 'Combined it can be either' I like. A longsword is a longsword (type S), why does it gain a new damage type when functioning as a sword? The weapons need to be defined statistically (especially for TWF reasons), though I am sure that is a part of being the kernal of an idea :) Though there are some out there already, I think changing damage types is a good area to play around in.
I was referring the the spin as being the centre of the blade and not the edges.
It is morphing to make it more magical - the current idea is to keep the chain but as a motif along both sides of the blade, however when striking an opponent, the chains magically morph out of the blade and grab the struck target, pulling them onto the blade for some sort of bonus impalement damage.
Still thinking it through, I want to do something weird and crazy with a blade weapon - this revised idea came from my wondering about "tattoos for weapons" >.<
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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Here is my revised version of the Skull Rattle. Thanks to both Joe K. and Curaigh for the feedback!
Skull Rattle
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 7th
Slot wrists; Price 33,600 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This oversized bracelet is fashioned from a gruesome string of human skulls with broken teeth sealed inside of the skulls. When a cure spell of fourth level or lower is cast within 30 feet of the wearer of a skull rattle, it shakes violently of its own accord creating an eerie rattle. The wearer may spend an immediate action to change that spell to an inflict spell of the same level. The spell caster may make a Spellcraft check (DC 15 + cure spell level). If successful, the spell caster realizes that the spell has been altered before they attempt to touch the target. This ability may be used 3 times per day.
---Construction---
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect magic, inflict critical wounds, creator must be able to spontaneously cast inflict spells; Cost 16,800 gp
Regarding the weight since this item is intended for huge or larger creatures, I would includ the following in the document where the item appeared. Obviously you can't do this for RPGSS though.
GM Note: Since wondrous items can resize to fit the wearer, a skull rattle donned by a medium or small sized creature should only weigh 2 lbs.
AA: Impaling makes me think of brace. :)
I know it's hard to quantify, but what is this item missing in mojo/what would improve the mojo in your eyes?
After 8 years with no top 32 I think I can honestly say I have no leg to stand on. I hope others will chime in on this, not just about your item but mojo in general. Mikko did a really good job in one (three) of his blogs last December & I think it is linked above.
In short, extra damage has been done, concealment has been done, even void has been done. How you combine them, or maybe distill them is a better descriptio, is where the mojo comes from. Like I mentioned above, I like the idea of just the weilder having concealment from the target. She is invisible to them, but everyone else sees a humanoid shaped void (maybe even a starscape :) when it's active.
I liked your bloatfish halfscale Curaigh...
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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Bloatfish Halfscale
This is a good item. I don't see any issues with the template or the game mechanics. It is also interesting that it uses the size change for a bull rush, I don't think I have seen that before.
I kind of want it to have poisoned armor spikes like a pufferfish...
edit: Actually I think you might want to state what kind of action it is to activate the armor and that it includes the free bull rush attempts against adjacent enemies.
Here is my revised version of the Skull Rattle. Thanks to both Joe K. and Curaigh for the feedback!
Skull Rattle
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 7th
Slot wrists; Price 33,600 gp; Weight 10 lbs.Description
This oversized bracelet is fashioned from a gruesome string of human skulls with broken teeth sealed inside of the skulls. When a cure spell of fourth level or lower is cast within 30 feet of the wearer of a skull rattle, it shakes violently of its own accord creating an eerie rattle. The wearer may spend an immediate action to change that spell to an inflict spell of the same level. The spell caster may make a Spellcraft check (DC 15 + cure spell level). If successful, the spell caster realizes that the spell has been altered before they attempt to touch the target. This ability may be used 3 times per day.---Construction---
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect magic, inflict critical wounds, creator must be able to spontaneously cast inflict spells; Cost 16,800 gp
I'm not going through the whole thread, so I didn't see all of the previous critiques and what you changed, but I did notice Curaigh talking about active voice. I can't always manage it but I try really hard to avoid using forms of "to be."
In this case, you could rewrite the first sentence to be "A gruesome string of human skulls with broken teeth sealed inside form this oversized bracelet." (Alternatively, if you didn't want to rewrite that way, I would tighten the writing by editing "inside of" to just "in," which you can usually do without losing any meaning.)
In the second sentence, you have a misplaced modifier. As it reads now, the cure spell shakes, not the bracelet. You also need a comma after "accord," as the following phrase is a separate clause. You also use "they" as the pronoun for "the spell caster," which is switching it to a plural pronoun in an attempt to avoid a gender. (And spellcaster is one word.)
Power-wise, it's definitely the type of thing that could upset/really frustrate players. Considering an in-combat healing can be the difference between a character dying or even TPK, this is a pretty big power. I think I would add in that the wearer needs to make a caster level check to switch the spell vs. just having it happen automatically. I think that could diminish the screw-you potential a bit.
I tend to shy away from long lists of requirements. In this case, I would probably just use inflict critical wounds; I don't think you need detect magic in general as it's not a major aspect of the item. Honestly, I like the spontaneously cast inflict spells as a requirement, and that's probably what I would do if I were creating it for publication, but IMO Superstar voters prefer a specific spell in the requirements.
I know it's hard to quantify, but what is this item missing in mojo/what would improve the mojo in your eyes?
That is a tough question.
I think I would argue this is the type of item I'd upvote against weaker competition, but don't think I'd consider as a Top 32 item (of course, everything we post in the practice thread should be along those lines, as we don't want to post something that could be Top 32 here)...
Speaking just for myself, I think it tries to do a little too much. I think items with a single strong core ability feel more elegant, which lends me to feeling like they're Superstar. You've got basic powers that revolve around cold and darkness, which makes sense, but I don't think there's anything that really breaks through or is different in a way that it stands out. It's just cold damage and concealment and I want there to be something more there.
Secondly, I don't think you hit the theme strongly enough. That's an area where you can bring your mechanics to life and compensate for the issues I mentioned above. Consider my poltergeist knot from a couple years ago. I didn't really break much ground with the mechanics, but the visual of the item was strong enough that it carried me into the competition. I don't think these sleeves really feels like it slams home "void," so much as it just has cold and concealment. I might try to play with vaccum, having it suck items from a target or cause them to explode or something along those lines.
Of course, this is all horribly subjective; it's why every year people complain about some of the items that made the Top 32.
Bloatfish Halfscale
Curaigh, I love the concept behind this item, so good on that.
I saw what Russ mentioned about what kind of action it is to activate, and wonder if you could word it to include "on command"? That way, there's no question about what it takes to activate, and since "on command" assumes a standard action, that would be answered, too.
Regarding the size increase, have you accounted for what happens for a character who is already taking up 4 squares (like if enlarged)? Also, when I think of expanding from medium (1 square) to large (4 squares), it leaves me wondering how to determine which 4 squares, since the one square is in one of the 4 corners of 4 squares. I also wonder whether the bull rush attempt should be determined by the item rather than its wearer.
I might be wrong, but something seems off about the pricing. Here's how I understand pricing weapons and armor:
Cost = (cost of magic) + cost of underlying item (base+mw+special material*)
Price = (cost of magic x 2) + cost of underlying item (base+mw+special material)
Your item's price would be right if it were banded mail with magic costing 5,300, as follows:
5,700 Cost = 5,300 (magic) + 400 (masterwork banded)
11,000 Price = 10,600 (magic x2) + 400 (masterwork banded)
Since your item is scale mail with a base price of 50 gp plus 150 gp for masterwork, and I'm guessing your magic was priced at 5,500, I think your price should be 11,200 as follows:
5,700 Cost = 5,500 (magic) + 200 (masterwork scale)
11,200 Price = 11,000 (magic x 2) + 200 (masterwork scale)
I apologize if I'm wrong about this. Please check, and if anyone else can pipe in to confirm, that would be great!
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*Note - there are a few special cases when using special materials, such as mithral including/subsuming the masterwork cost, or cold iron adding 2000 gp
edited after posting
... The wearer makes a bull rush attempt against adjacent enemies in place of a melee attack without provoking an attack of opportunity. ...
I will try and make this more clear in the rewrite, but a melee attack is a standard action most times. It can be part of a full round action such as when using charge or if your base attack bonus is greater than 6. At least that is how we have always played it. Is this the incorrect?
You're right Curaigh - I missed that in several read-throughs, duh. I think it threw me off that the first line says "Activating...", and then the "in place of a melee attack" is in the next sentence. Now that I get that, I'll say that's an interesting activation-method (and action cost). I like it. It appears it could replace an aoo, an iterative, an attack gained by some other rule such as a teamwork feat, or even a twf attack.
On a failed bull rush attempt, does the wearer occupy no additional squares, or the expanded squares minus the failed-against targets' squares?
It's really growing on me.
I just noticed in the 3-charge sentence, you've got "by expanding 3 charges" (instead of spending or expending).
Hey! I'll be at the Gen-Con this year. I know this is not normally the place for this, and should probably be placed else—where; but the only people I know on these forums are you fine gentle-folks.
If you are going, perhaps a meet/greet then? meet some people, have some faces with some names.
Item Tax:
Boulder Helm of the Stubborn
Aura Moderate Evocation; CL 7th
Slot Head;Price 32,320 gp;Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This +2 Boulder Helmet is built with several redundant supports, braces. The Helms gravelly metallic surface is scratched and marred by various impacts against foes.
The Boulder Helm of the Stubborn does well for breaking formations or holding the line. The helmet takes on a more bullet like shape when attempting to bullrush a creature, pounding with more force than normal. The victim of the bullrush is pushed 5 feet more than normal, and pushed 5 feet into the air.
The Boulder Helm of the Stubborn can be set against a charge or a bullrush; on a successful attack the wearer may decide not to deal damage, but to instead knock the target prone or 5 feet away.
Construction
Requirements Craft magical Arms and Armor, Punishing Assault, [i]hydraulic push[i], creator must be a dwarf;Cost 16,170 gp
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I'm also not going to make it to Gen Con, though I know there is a Superstar panel, that'll feature host Owen Stephens and last year's winner Monica Marlowe. You should definitely check that out.
As for your item...
I don't really understand your first sentence -- specifically what you want the word "braces" to do after the comma. Also, while you've got some good description in the second sentence, you're using passive/dull verbs with "is" in both sentences. Try to ramp up the description and use exciting verbs to really get me into it. So in this case, I might write "Its gravelly metallic surface scratched and marred by frequent impacts, this +2 dwarven boulder helmet features several redundant support braces." ("Features" isn't honestly a great verb either, but it's what I came up with in the quick rewrite; I'd continue to work on it to become more exciting, maybe trying to get my verb to be "mars.")
In the second paragraph, you tell me what it does, but a good magic item should show. Just tell us what it actually does and let us as GMs/players figure out what it's good for. Bull rush should be two words here. I think you need to also focus on matching how Paizo words its abilities. As written, I'd read it as saying no matter what, the victim of a bull rush goes 5 feet even if the wearer doesn't succeed on his bull rush attempt. I would probably write something like, "On a successful bull rush attempt, treat it as if the result of the bull rush attempt were 5 greater than it was. In addition, the victim is launched 5 feet into the air." (Of course, than I might ask why it doesn't just give me a straight +5 to CMB for bull rush attempts, but that's not a very exciting power.)
I like the second part of the power a lot more actually. I would make that the focus of the item, I think.
There are also a fair amount of style/formatting problems, I'm afraid:
moderate evocation should be lowercase; you're missing spaces after your semi-colons on the third line; head should be lowercase.
In the write-up, the name of the magic item should be lowercase. It should also be italic if you use the full name as in the start of the second paragraph, but not if you just use a shortened form of the name, as you have in the first sentence (you also have Helm capitalized in the second sentence).
You seem to call it a boulder helmet in the first reference, which I thought was a mistake on the name, but I think is a reference to the type of weapon. If so, I'd probably add in dwarven as part of the name, since that seems to be included in the link you provided.
In the requirements, "magical" should be uppercase and the BBC code is off on the spell. You're again missing a space after the semicolon.
Your cost is off. It looks like you halved the price of the masterwork aspect of the weapon, and that should be the full value, as you did with the base price of the item.
And some Superstar considerations, that are more germane to the contest than design work alone:
I would be careful using base items that aren't well known. While I don't think every magic weapon needs to be a dagger or long sword, I'd be more careful using more esoteric weapons, since people may not know them. If I did, I might go for something that people may be more likely to know even if they're not used a lot, such as a bolas, for example.
I tend to avoid long lists of requirements for Superstar, especially when they're going to be less known requirements. I don't know what Punishing Assault is, for example, which means I'd have to look it up -- and with the voting, I think giving people as few reasons to vote against your item is smart. I might be more inclined to be OK with a second feat if it's something from CRB, but even then, I'm probably going to be wary of it.
Similarly, I'm not sure it needs the dwarf limitation. I realize it's a dwarven item, but I think that just limits the appeal and there's no reason to do so.
I'm not crazy about the choice of spell. Yeah, hydraulic push pushes things, but it also has a water element to it that this weapon doesn't have. I'd look for something that seems more in line with the basic item. I'd be more inclined to go with force punch, I think.
Man, Overconfidence got the better of me there Jacobs. Thanks for the feed-back.
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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It's good to see people crafting new items here. Some good ones, too. The rattle in particular triggered my mojo sensors.
Those who want to practice monster creation should check out Here Be Monsters 2 which begins August 15. We've got an excellent trio of judges + a special guest judge I'm sure you all know. And we've got something different for the winners than last year! I'll be posting teasers and stuff when I get back home from Japan.
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Per Monica (on Facebook):
ATTENTION FUTURE PAIZO RPG SUPERSTAR HOPEFULS!
Today is was announced, during the RPG SS Panel at GenCon, that they are moving up the next RPG SS contest to MID-AUGUST for submission and Final Winner announced on October 30. You have LESS THAN A MONTH to get your stuff together. There will be an announcement on Paizo's blog this weekend, so stay tuned. This will be the Season 9 RPG Superstar.
I'm excited to have Superstar coming up again soon, but I hope this doesn't effect the number of participants in the contest.
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9 seasons.
9th month.
9 blazing months
9 9th timers. (Actually it's more like 15 9th timers, but I'm on a roll here...).
My lucky number... Yeah... Here's hoping :)
I hope they make a bigger announcement on the site soon, else people won't realize it until it's already happening.
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Boulder Helm of the Stubborn
Hi Tothric. I like your core idea of a dwarven boulder helmet that adds effects to bull rush combat maneuvers. Could it also or instead add an effect when making a melee attack as part of a charge?
I think Jacob covered quite a bit regarding the item's formatting and language. Besides what he pointed out, I noticed that you use helmet and helm interchangeably, and I think I prefer "helmet" throughout. Also, in the 2nd sentence, whether you use helm or helmet, the possessive usage should have an apostrophe, i.e. the "helm's" or "helmet's". The craft feat feat should be "Craft Magic..." instead of "Craft Magical".
Regarding the victim being pushed 5 feet into the air, I like the visual, but can't think of what the mechanical effect of that is. I'm just thinking out loud, but what if it was 10 feet, with a d6 of falling damage and/or knocking the victim prone (kind of like the item's set-against-a-charge ability). I'm thinking of it kind of like an awesome blow or awesome charge combat maneuver. I don't know how it would fit exactly, but the Charge Through feat also comes to mind.
This is a small thing, but in your description, you mention "...marred by various impacts against foes". My opinion is that descriptions for items shouldn't presume an item's history. Since players/characters can craft the item, it wouldn't be marred by impacts when it was brand new.