A party member asked,'A ship manned by gnolls?'
The grit druggie answered,'Wouldn't it be Gnolled by gnolls?'
Everyone lost it. I suppose you had to be there, but it is something I had to share.
My character is a Bard-barian. This character caused so much trouble, yet he did it in an entertaining way.
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A party member asked,'A ship manned by gnolls?'
The grit druggie answered,'Wouldn't it be Gnolled by gnolls?'
That's a nice pun, it made me chuckle. :D
Too bad it doesn't translate to my language, would love to use it.
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In Burnt Offerings, the bard and the gnome were trying to tell the local Thassilonian expert that they'd discovered nearby Thassilonian ruins.
The gnome dissembled quite a bit, knowing how much Brodert cares about Thassilon.
The (male) bard blurted out: "We found some ruins and we think they're Thassilonian.
Me (the GM): Brodert gets all excited and cries out, "Take me! Take me now!!!"
I looked up to find dead silence all around the table.
Then my entire group lost it.
EDIT: One of my players says I definitely used, "Cries out".
Well, since somebody "favorited" me (thank you!), I gathered the group to get the exact quote.
They claim that the quote was:
"Thassilonian Ruins? I'm so excited! Take me! Take me now!!!"
One person says they clearly remember it was so funny because he SAID "I'm so excited", I didn't say, "He's so excited."
The party was about to enter the den of a green dragon to try and bluff it into fighting another dragon. They had stood outside the cave for a few minutes and figured out how to proceed. Shortly after they entered they began to question what they were doing and started talking among each other again. After a few minutes I had to make a check or two. I deduced the dragon wasn't smart enough to understand any other language than Draconic, so it stood there twisting it's head side to side looking at the party that had just entered it's cave to start arguing with each other.
To get the parties attention I said,"it's a good thing he doesn't understand common."
They stood there like a deer in headlights....eventually they were able to get their wits about them and continued with the original plan.
When a bronze dragon landed on our ship of evil characters my Archer/Fighter says,
'Let's play pin the tail on the ship.'
With that I rolled a nat 20 doing just that.
I will not take offense if someone flags this as offensive, but it's become the go-to line at our table, so I'm going to (try to) share.
The line: Nobody likes a rapey bear!
Our carrion crown group includes a CHA 8 dwarf druid who lives up to his charisma, his bear animal companion, a CHA 19 human goth bard who likes to sleep on the bear, a female paladin of Sarenrae who is being played as an absolute naif, raised-by-fundamentalists-clueless young woman, and a male fighter/barbarian who is overly fond of his horse, Ipsen.
It started off as an off-the-cuff inappropriate comment. The paladin's player said, "I'd like to mount my horse."
I said, "Ipsen would like to mount your horse, too."
Paladin: "Eeew. That's not nice. She's a very nice horse. Her name is Flour, because she's white."
Me: "Well, once he's done we can just call her 'De-Flour'."
Dwarf: "Yeah, that's fine. And once he's done the bear'll mount him."
Bard: "Eeew! I didn't know he was THAT kind of bear! If he does that there's no way I'm sleeping on him any more!"
Paladin: "Yeah! Nobody likes a rapey bear!"
At that point, the entire table lost it, the paladin's player promptly twittered the line to the world at large, leading to many (unanswered) questions from her followers.
Not the best line ever, or even of the module, but certainly the oddest, and the one that's been springing up ever since...
So, partially cross-posting from another forum 'cause it's a lot of stuff, but editing in the great quotes parts. Really funny game stuff, though some of it is a little off topic (and is thus in spoilers).
* In one game I was running, there was a sorcerer who was... not a team player, let's say. Named himself "Cheezecake the Venerable" (later shortened to just "Cheeze") and had a Yak as a familiar that he later Awakened and permanently polymorphed into a human obsessed with the fact that she was actually a cow (this would prove excessively useful to the group later, for... ridiculous reasons).
- That fun memory aside, his character was certainly Chaotic (note the capital "C"). For example: he died and was reincarnated so often (and was proving so draining on the party funds, yet still turning out shockingly useful and people were having fun), that finally I just decided that he eternally reincarnated every time he died. Further oddness arrived when he kept reincarnating into the same creatures over and over again, to the point where I just ruled he had a specific cycle (in order): Duergar, Troglodyte, Halfling, and Half-Orc (repeat). The first time he'd reincarnated as a Troglodyte, his stench inhibited his own companions, until the other mage managed to petrify him, later in that session throwing the statue into a room with reversed gravity and unpetrifying him in the middle of a bunch of drow (which worked like a charm).
- He kept attempting to hit all the characters except my wife's character with fireball, but, as she was the only one who didn't have spell resistance and fire resistance (or immunity), and she didn't have evasion, she was the only one that ever got hit (he was apparently terrible at rolling to overcome spell resistance against his own party). He would then "make up" for it with use of prestidigitation to creature fake flowers and chocolate (that instantly vanished if you actually tried to eat it or do anything with it).
- Or that one time he thought he could "help" the poor, slaughtered clerics of Lathander (god of sunlight and healing)... he had a spell that could "fix that"... called "animate dead".
With all of this, he was valuable (and fun) enough that we enjoyed having him in the game. Good memories.
QUOTE TIME: Anyway, he was playing his familiar as well as his character (I had too much to do to play more), so when they needed a non-lethal distraction one time (and were trying to distract a large number of non-evil guards) he tapped his familiar for the job. Curious, I allowed this "plan" that I heard nothing about (the players were somewhat secretive, which had me worried). Through an obscure collection of spells and strange magic items they'd carefully gathered in course of the campaign (which I was aware of in advance) and really, really high charisma rolls (the familiar didn't have ranks in diplomacy or bluff) which were rolled on the table combined with abysmally low sense-motive checks on the part of the guards (also rolled on the table), the yak-turned-human(ish) familiar proceeded to draw a lot of attention as she ran naked through the middle of the protected clearing, yelling and whooping at the top of her lungs and then (with ludicrous dexterity checks for tumbling and strength checks for climbing and jumping, and more high charisma checks for performance) proceeded to dance "alluringly" and "distractingly" through the forest. A goodly number of the guards (I think more than half of them) went to quietly check on and stealthily counter what was almost certainly intended to be some sort of ambush or prelude to an orc attack, or some evil magic ritual... except, of course it wasn't any of those, it was an attempt to get guards out of the way (which worked). Because the familiar wasn't able to know whether she was being successful or not (the player didn't roll high spot or listen checks v. very good hide and move silently), she danced for hours until her constitution finally gave out, culminating in her (and thus the male player) leaping atop a log (aka leaping out of his seat to stand at a crowded Barnes and Noble coffee shop) and yelling aloud "I AM A COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" as clearly and loudly as she (he) could. The entire shop (and a good bit of the store beyond) just stopped and stared at him for a few moments before he sat back down and I ruled that she collapsed with those words, and we rewound back in time for his actual character to see what was going on. Priceless moments, really.
* Same game, the other mage, a wizard named Cervan. Fervent Worshiper of Mystra, had a Shadow Weave version of Spellfire for some reason, and eventually became a Shade (he wanted Mystra to have the Shadow Weave instead of Shar). Ah, the Shenanigans. He started off true neutral.
- That one time he got laws forced through in a particular city that required a festival in Mystra's honor, and attempted (though not terribly successfully) to get an orgy going.
- That one time he decided to make an underwater base, and - after making the necessary preparations on himself - teleported to the bottom of the ocean, and opened up a gate on the floor of it... without first remembering to create an actual base. He then immediately teleported away with little more than a "Whoops!", forgetting - again - to close the portal (dumping out huge amounts of the Inner Sea into the elemental plane of air).
- That one time he got Geased/Atoned by the ruler of Halruaa (a country) and spent ten years in a swamp negating the Shadow Weave. He became lawful good. Then he traveled back in time to before he did anything in Halruaa, but left well enough alone, afraid of what might happen if he interfered with himself.
- That one time he successfully level drained a female cleric of Shar to death and burned the body with fire, and then had her reincarnated (as a wood elf), and had her magically and mentally tortured and mind-altered by some Thayans until she became a fervent worshiper of Mystra ("Mystra is the Better One"). She eventually became his cohort (he had the leadership feat). He later had a child with her. And then simply forgot about all the people he was leading, teleporting away one day never to return.
- That one time he attempted to take over the castle of the Kesson Rel after it had been dropped into the material plane (and Kesson had been apparently "killed" by Erevis Cale and Drasek Riven - they left shortly thereafter). This was, of course, shortly after he'd become straight-up chaotic evil and decided to worship Cyric. He was shortly thereafter intimidated (and diplomacied) by the rest of the group into surrendering a powerful evil artifact he'd stole (the "Crown of Horns"), and was shortly thereafter chased away by the not-really-dead Kesson Rel.
* Or then there was the time that the half-giant barbarian kept dying in probably the most ridiculous ways. Seriously. I swear I really, really wasn't trying to kill him: in fact, the opposite! He just kept dying! (I'm pretty sure my dice at the time hated him... also he kept being the first - and only - to walk into instant death traps, that weren't initially supposed to be instant death traps, but because of the actions of all the players together, had become so).
* Or then there was the time that the party found an old malfunctioning teleportation device and decided, "hey, let's hit buttons randomly and see what happens"! One run-in with a randomly rolled 12-or-more-headed (I honestly don't recall the number any more) pyrohydra later, and the party was mostly dead, only able to live because my wife's character had invested in a greater ring of fire protection (due to the fireballs that had kept hitting her and no one else), and managed to grab ashes of each of her dead comrades into little pre-labeled vials (they... died... a lot... and ingloriously) and flee before she could be finished off.
* Or the time when they created a god with epic magic, blacked out, woke back up in the world with no idea what, exactly, had happened, and went "huh, that was weird" and proceeded never to investigate again. (Only recently did my wife ever learn what happened with that.)
There were so many memories from that one campaign alone, I'd take forever recounting them, but those are just a few that spring to mind. Those guys were crazy, but great, and it was a fantastic campaign all-round. Oh! I almost forgot!
* Or that time when that one guy (who was a friend of a friend) showed up for, like 2-3 play sessions (I can't recall now) and played a happy-go-lucky human Rogue for one of 'em, but quickly changed up for a super-thief Halfling Harper. Ever since that day, not one person who ever played in that campaign can ever see a Halfling again without saying, "I check my pockets!" immediately and frequently afterwords.
(Crowning moment of Awesome for Alton, the Halfling Harper and thief extraordinaire who couldn't roll less than 20 on a d20 if his life depended on it [when he woke up after being knocked unconscious and was temporarily caught and stuck upside down in a bag of holding, after having robbed most of the NPCs, party, and town blind]: "Gah! Wuh? Where am I! Agh! I check my pockets!" *big grin slowly dawns* Cheerfully: "Oh! It's all the stuff I stole!" He proceeded to get out shortly thereafter, and was never seen again.)
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The best line I've heard in a long while came not from a game I DMed, but from one where I was a player. My pal Ellie was our DM, and she was roleplaying the lines of a baker whose somewhat-creepy bakery we had just entered.
Note that the bakery in question was called "Fairy Cakes".
"Welcome to Fairy Cakes, where the fairies are made out of cake, and the cake is made out of ... oops."
It was priceless, especially when it turned out that she'd given away a key plot secret - let's just say her DM style is "adorable horror". Soylent Green, anyone?
*exits, leaving the horrible humor behind*