Conan: "Onlyyyy... 24 hours to Thulsaaaa..."
Inflating his mightly lungs, Conan thinks very hard about Gene Pitney and inhales the Less-Than-Adequate Duck, spitting him out a moment later in tiny avian chunks and routing the buzzards. At this point, Red Sonja, played by a) Christine Hendricks, b) Bonnie Rait, c) A dishcloth duct-taped to a wooden spoon (delete as applicable), pops up through a trapdoor in the middle of the stage and shouts...
Evil Producer: "I'm sorry, Villainous Villain, but according to the results of your stage test, you are clearly competent and talented. Completely what we don't need. Also, according to your results, we should have been paying you more, so we've decided to let you go before you realized that."
"Oh, don't worry, Conan. We actually got you a decent actress to play Red Sonja: Inger Nilsson. Y'know, Pippi Longstocking!"
Evil Producer: "That would be what we call 'work'."
Evil Producer: "We can't have talented actors! It's either we give Conan what he wants or we have to pay him more. And he usually wants to be paid in Crisco and Mad Dog 20/20."
It turns out Red Sonja wasn't colourfast, so what we have is Vaguely Pink Sonja instead, played by Inger Nilsson AND Tami Erin, one sitting on the other's shoulders. Conan is terrified.
"Aieee! Crom! Giant 10 year old girls with jaunty ginger pigtails! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
He consoles himself inwardly by imagining a fun-filled evening off with all that Crisco and Mad Dog 20/20 he's got coming to him...
Herd of stage extras: -walk across the stage as if they're in the right scene, and there's actually some semblance of a play going on-
Showbill: "THIS is best in life!" -- boisestarreview.com.net*
*Other than crushing ones enemies, driving them before you and hearing the lamentations of their women.
Dog, the Bounty Hunter in a red Wig: "Uh, the women were afraid of Conan...So, uh, I guess I have to do it. Umm, yeah, Conan...uh, I'd totally...Uhh...Sorry, the Dog only digs chicks." *leaves*
Courtney Love in a Red Wig: "Heeeeeeey, Conan. I was totally married to Kurt Cobain. So, do you wanna go to my place? Is that Crisco in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" *bats eyelashes*
Narrator: "Who let her out of her cage?!"
*attempts to look innocent, fails*
Snerkle?
*points at the not-pine*
Red Sonja:
"Beware Conan, those are disquised demons.
They have been sent by a hidden foe
To lure you into a deadly trap
Where poisonous snakes will bite your toe.
Have at thee imposters."
Narrator: "Thank Asmodeus! Red Sonja vanquishes the cross-dressing Dog and the still-very-unattractive Courtney Love with quick swordplay."
*walks over to a police officer*
"Yes, escort them off the premises. Give them a five dollar bill and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20."
*walks back to his chair*
Narrator: "Sonja helps Conan off the tree he is nailed to."
Red Sonja: Conan, what have they done to thee.
Why were you tied to this tree?
You are a mess, that much is true.
I know just the healer to take care of you.
"Sonja, oh Sonja, you're just in time!
(Are you strawberry blonde or ginger)?
Thanks for un-nailing me from this tree
Where I did not want to linjer
My saga's a long and a tragic one
But it's easy to understand
I was reading 50 Shades of Living Greyhawk with a "friend"
And things got a bit out of hand...."
(Excitedly) "Is it time for the Nurse Gymnastics?!"
Red Sonja:
Conan, my friend, you know of my vow.
I must also tell you this now.
My Goddess told me of your plight while I was fighting pirates.
But I was not in time to keep the vultures from your privates.
Masked Villain:
Well met by moonlight strangers.
I am in need of some assistance.
I need a guard to protect some valuable cargo.
I can be generous with my recompence.
"My privates have a mind of their own
They're somewhere in Hyrkania
Running a successful umbrella factory
For when the weather gets rainier"
(Spoken) "What you saw being devoured by vultures was the bratwurst and two baked potatoes I was saving for lunch. But saaay!"
"Why, here's a mask-ed villain!
Another one, by Bel!
I didn't hear him coming
But I recognised the smell.
He wants some cargo guarding
What do you think, Warren Harding, er, Sonja?"
|
"Red Sonja couldn't make it,
I guess we'll have to fake it,
I hope Conan can take it,
'cause I'm a villain too!
Tekeli-Li! *stab!stab!*
Tekeli-Li! *chant!chant!*
Tekeli-Li! Tekeli-Li! Tekeli-Li! *blast!blast!*"
"Since I've nothing better to do right now,
I'll be your pal and see just how
this journey will unfold,
the adventure is untold!
Stick with me, Conan, we'll go places,
you'll smash skulls and I'll melt faces,
let's see what we can see!
Just beware my treachery!
YAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
"By Crom, a Thread Necromancer,
Like a fashion-wise Thoth-Amon!
I'm so happy I could eat some ham
I might go as far as gammon"