"By Crom, a Thread Necromancer,
Like a fashion-wise Thoth-Amon!
I'm so happy I could eat some ham
I might go as far as gammon"
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"My privates have a mind of their own
(Spoken) "What you saw being devoured by vultures was the bratwurst and two baked potatoes I was saving for lunch. But saaay!" "Why, here's a mask-ed villain!
He wants some cargo guarding
"Sonja, oh Sonja, you're just in time!
My saga's a long and a tragic one
(Excitedly) "Is it time for the Nurse Gymnastics?!"
It turns out Red Sonja wasn't colourfast, so what we have is Vaguely Pink Sonja instead, played by Inger Nilsson AND Tami Erin, one sitting on the other's shoulders. Conan is terrified. "Aieee! Crom! Giant 10 year old girls with jaunty ginger pigtails! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" He consoles himself inwardly by imagining a fun-filled evening off with all that Crisco and Mad Dog 20/20 he's got coming to him...
Conan: "Onlyyyy... 24 hours to Thulsaaaa..." Inflating his mightly lungs, Conan thinks very hard about Gene Pitney and inhales the Less-Than-Adequate Duck, spitting him out a moment later in tiny avian chunks and routing the buzzards. At this point, Red Sonja, played by a) Christine Hendricks, b) Bonnie Rait, c) A dishcloth duct-taped to a wooden spoon (delete as applicable), pops up through a trapdoor in the middle of the stage and shouts...
Conan, having rounded up the strippers and -------- (er... eheh...) the marshmallow foam from their ----- ------- (OHGODNO! Not even in Thailand!!), holds up a giant neon sign saying:
Conan adopts a seductive pose, singing: "Have you seen my little Cimmerian, girls??
Looking around in search of his opponent, he stops warbling and casts his eyes over the assembled stubbly "ladies" "Heeey!! Which one of you is Christina Aguilera?"
Conan is unmanned for a moment, his face contorted in agony as black waves of horrifying autotuned wailing flood his senses, but then, unbidden, the ancient battle lays of his people start to penetrate through the maelstrom of his thoughts... "There lived a man... nngh... in Cimmeria long ago... *grunt*
Ripping off his barbarian costume to reveal a delightful pair of gold lame hotpants, he seizes the statues by the [redacted] and swings them around while singing this, to make up for being so cruelly frustrated earlier in the first half.
"Jimmy! NOOOOO!!!" Maddened with grief by the cruel death of his evergreen chum, Conan launches himself at the statues, a pump-action pigeon in each hand, singing: "Heeee.... was a friend of mine.
A team of Guatemalans have been over Conan with turtle wax and chamois leather, and he now gleams like the noon-day sun. His luscious locks tumble over his shoulders like a brown waterfall. His bearskin underpants have been taken away and burnt by public health officials, and he has been forced to protect his modesty using several of Nicki Minaj's wigs. "Whaddya think? Hot, or WHAT?"
"The bleach, Jimmy. You can use what's left over to help with your termite problem. I mean, I suppose it's none of my business, but how did you end up doing what you did to Pinocchio without using protection? Sheer madness, in this day and age" Conan shakes his head ruefully, awaiting his five minute call to return to the stage
Conan: "Oh!" *whispers in Jimmy's ear/knothole* "...Remember, Vaseline, cream cheese, two of the *big* eggplants and don't forget to clean the blow-up Asmodeus...."
Conan buttonholes the producer backstage. " Courtney? COURTNEY?! How could you DO this to me? I'm an AH-tist! Damn it all, man, couldn't you even get Comely Grouter - An Affectionate Tribute to Bonnie Tyler? I mean, today's her night off from Hooters - she would have done it.... for me.... "
"Once upon a time I was falling in love
(Dung dung dung dung) "Nothing I can doooo
OR IS THERE? Conan leaps to his feet, the potentially death-dealing blow having been deflected by his chest-mounted ablative Bonnie Tyler. "Ha ha! Aroint ye, foul fiend! And while I find out what 'aroint' means, deal with THIS! Gettim, Bonnie!"
"Oh villain - what's your name?
Now it's just you and me
Conan turns towards Dog, the Bounty Hunter, pouting in disgust as his nemesis takes time out to weedle on a lamp post and hump one of the chorus lines' legs. "Ha! I do not fear your mullet
You may go hunting bounties
(Conan decides to enliven the battle scene by bumping and grinding to, say, 'Rasputin' by Boney M for a couple of minutes, then drags Andrew Lloyd Webber on stage and changes tempo) "Because I am.... CONAN the
(Conan produces a banjo and joins in) RinkydinkydinkydinkyDIDDLYdinkydinkydingdiddleinkydinkydinkydinky, etc. "YEE HAW!!
Conan flings his evil Stygian villain glove puppet aside, faces the villain, and stands ready to do battle! "By Crom, Mr. Narrator, people often confuse me with Leonard Bernstein - we might just get away with it! Still, now is neither the time nor the place. As for you, scoundrelly villain, feel the full force of my steely thews, you cowardly dog! WAARGH!!" (He brandishes his polearm. Cue music) "My foes see life through a different prism
Evil villain: "Wo ho ho haa! Wo ho ho! Wa ha ha ha haa! "I'm Meret-Ptah from Stygia
(Brightly) "I'm... going... to... WASH Co-nan right out of my
(ad nauseum, as if we haven't reached that stage already...)
Conan: "Here we are
Diana: "Will you polish my chainmail bra? Conan: "No not now, although your bust
Diana: "I can't fight eldritch villany
(A chorus line of Stygian sorcerers enters, singing:)
Out he jumps, freshly oiled, with his furry shorts steaming under the stage lamps. "Oh, by Crooom
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