Conan:The Musical


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"Aaaaaaaaaan' we're bag in fahve...ah, shuggs...ah wuz stahtin' to fee' goo'...an' ah godda pud mah jooz bag...hmm, ack toooo gonan verzuz shilly shtatuesh fwom shtygier. dad ackdually shoundsh like id could be gud. i wuv you widdle writer-man."

*collapses onto Courtney Love*

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: My cue!

*runs to tree position*

*freezes in tree position*


Kid in audience: "Daddy. Why is that 'tree' dressed in a sheep costume with an eyepatch, one yellow rubber boot, an orange and green striped sock, an oven mitt, and a propeller beanie?"

Dad: "How did you know it was a tree?"

Kid in audience: "Don't you see the sign around it's neck, Daddy? It says 'I am a tree. A fir. Or maybe a larch. Definitely not a pine.'"

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Tree: [under breath]I am a tree. I am a tree. I am a fir. Or maybe a larch. I am a tree. I am not a pine. I am a tree[/under breath]

Scarab Sages

*The Evil Villain is now wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie over a full-body Kermit the Frog costume*

"EVERYBODY READY? We got 4 minutes to curtain! Damn I look good."

*meanwhile, Magnus the Talent Agent has good news for the director....

Magnus the Talent Agent: thick New England accent Yeah, uh, sorry I wasn't able to get, er, Dame Annie Lennox for ya, but I'll tell you what I did get - her shadow. She weren't using it, see? She just wants it back when we're done wif it.

*Dame Lennox's shadow waves hi*


A team of Guatemalans have been over Conan with turtle wax and chamois leather, and he now gleams like the noon-day sun. His luscious locks tumble over his shoulders like a brown waterfall. His bearskin underpants have been taken away and burnt by public health officials, and he has been forced to protect his modesty using several of Nicki Minaj's wigs.

"Whaddya think? Hot, or WHAT?"


Costumer: "Sweetie, you wouldn't be hot if we doused you in gasoline and handed you a lit match. But get out there and do your thing."

Scarab Sages

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Maps, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Write: "Here are the last minute changes the Evil Producer has added to the script. Hope everyone can learn their new lines in the next 3 minutes.

"Jimmy, You are doing great. No changes to your script."

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: ...Thanks...


"Aww, what the heck did I do? Oh, geez..."

Some music that sounds suspiciously like "They've Taken the Hobbits To Isengard"

"Already? Fine, fine..."

Narrator:"Conan stands before the newly transformed villain of villainy. A great flash of light emits from the evil creature's mouth. Suddenly, statues emerge from the ground to attack Conan. Yes, they are statues, not robots...Silver paint was on sale, okay? The statues fell the mighty tree that might have been a fir or a larch, but definitely not a pine."

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: That's my cue! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AAAAAAAAAAA PPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Audience: Wait, are they doing backstage at the FRONT stage?


*wipes away sweat*

Evil Producer: "There are still people here? Hopefully the new script will change that..."


Semi-Evil Co-Producer: "You want to drive people away? Why didn't we do 'Manos: The Musical Hands of Fate' instead?"


Evil Producer: "Because Joel Schumacher already optioned the rights to it."


"Jimmy! NOOOOO!!!"

Maddened with grief by the cruel death of his evergreen chum, Conan launches himself at the statues, a pump-action pigeon in each hand, singing:

"Heeee.... was a friend of mine.
Heeee.... was definitely NOT a pine"

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree flies from the ceiling with a rope tied to his back. He is holding a large onion ring over his head: Coooo~ooonan... Coooo~ooonan... Conan! I must tell you these words post haste! I tell these words from the future! The Possum is not your friend, The fat guy with the Bagpipe on his head will show you some tomatoes, and I was a piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.............. ne....


Narrator: "The touching scene between Conan and the ghost pine is cut short by the marauding statues (not robots) surrounding Conan. His pump-action pigeons are no match for their rocky (not metallic) hides. They don vile sequinned vestments and open their vile mouths and begin to sing a song of true terror. No, not Rick Astley! Give us more credit than that! Geez! They sing this!"

*puts on headphones and plays Deadmau5 for the next 4 minutes*


Audience Member: Wait a stinkin' minute! *stands up from his seat* WHERE'S THE SINGING?!? THE MUSIC?!?! I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE MUSIC!!!


Conan is unmanned for a moment, his face contorted in agony as black waves of horrifying autotuned wailing flood his senses, but then, unbidden, the ancient battle lays of his people start to penetrate through the maelstrom of his thoughts...

"There lived a man... nngh... in Cimmeria long ago... *grunt*
He was big and strong... ugh!... his eyes a flaming... aiee!... glow
Most people looked at him... oooh! with terror and fear... Crom!
But to Shemite chicks... grrr! He was such a lovely... dear. WORROUGHHH!!"

Ripping off his barbarian costume to reveal a delightful pair of gold lame hotpants, he seizes the statues by the [redacted] and swings them around while singing this, to make up for being so cruelly frustrated earlier in the first half.

The Exchange

Greg the Stone Statue(Not a Robot): This is terrible!

Dave the Stone Statue(Probably Not a Robot): You think he doesn't know we can't feel pain?

Greg the Stone Statue(Not a Robot): I'm talking about the pain!

Dave the Stone Statue(Probably Not a Robot): Oh.

Scarab Sages

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Maps, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Writer: Common Dave, finish the line. "No one..."

The Exchange

Dave the Stone Statue(Probably Not a Robot): No one told me the pizza would be cold? No one told me I'dd have to grow old? Oh, right.

No one told me where babies came from!


*flies across stage, bounces off statue/robot*

Quark!! Squack kuak quac?!

*wonders around confused*

The Exchange

Dave the Stone Statue(Probably Not a Robot): This answers my question perfectly!


Kid in Audience: "Babies come from ducks? Is that right, Dad?"

Dad in Audience: "Maybe in Chimera...Chimichanga...Cinnamon...Whereever this is supposed to be taking place."


Narrator:"Moving along...At the request of Robert E. Howard's estate, we must cut the next 40 minutes of this musical as it was quite silly and they would not allow us to do a "Stygian Inquisition" skit. Instead, the statues (not robots) break into interpretive dance in the background, whilst Conan sharpens his sword and searches for the vile, evil villain who had somehow scarpered off during the whole statue scene. His search leads him to a brothel...Oh, good grief..." *glares at writer*


audience member: OH HEAVENS NO! (runs out to the recession stand outside.

Scarab Sages

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Maps, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Writer: I wrote it for tavern. The Evil Producer said the change would make the scene more dramatic. (Also, he said it was cheaper to build a room with a bed than a tavern.)


Evil producer: We're over-budget as is. I had to hire some strippers from Alabama and I couldn't afford the good looking one.


Conan adopts a seductive pose, singing:

"Have you seen my little Cimmerian, girls??
It could make you happy for the rest of your life...."

Looking around in search of his opponent, he stops warbling and casts his eyes over the assembled stubbly "ladies"

"Heeey!! Which one of you is Christina Aguilera?"

Scarab Sages

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Maps, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Writer: Uh Oh; Conan forgot to read the updated script. Christina Aguilera was to much for the Evil Producer's budget. We had to go with Susan Sarandon instead. Quick, somebody give him the new update.


Narrator: "I got this! Conan's eyes meet with Susan's. A rush of desire flows through...(Hey, Writer, were you an erotica author? We can't use this! This musical was supposed to be PG-13 like Conan the Destroyer.) Um, uh, er...Yeah, Conan and Susan decided that holding hands would be the cat's pajamas. Conan treated the hard-working girl with respect and dignity. He even bought her dinner...Oh, heck...Conan [redacted]* that [redacted]** with such Cimmarian [redacted]***. When he finally [redacted]**** Susan, his [redacted]***** was sated."

* changed
** tire
*** friendliness
**** helped
***** good-will

The Exchange

Audience member: Censorship rocks!

Other Audience Member: ***-****!

***=Bad
****=Word


Narrator: "In order to protect the last shreds of dignity the actors had, the CDC arrives and sprays everyone with marshmallow foam. Carrot Top will now do stand-up while we figure out where to pick this up at."


Audience member 22: I had thought Carrot Top was playing the part of Conan! Who was that strange Cimmarian?


Audience Member 22.125: "I dunno. Danny Devito, maybe?"


As an aside, I think Robin Williams would be a great choice to play Conan in a Broadway musical.


Conan, having rounded up the strippers and -------- (er... eheh...) the marshmallow foam from their ----- ------- (OHGODNO! Not even in Thailand!!), holds up a giant neon sign saying:

"I AM BEING PLAYED BY MICKEY ROONEY IN A MECH SUIT"


Audience Member 238.65A: "Could be worse. At least it isn't Andy Rooney in a gimp suit."

The Exchange

Man in Audience Wearing a White Suit: One night in Bangkok and the worlds your Oyster!


Quackle?

*waddles in front of Conan, making him trip&

The Exchange

Audience: Trip & What?


Narrator: "No one asked for audience participation."


Stage extra: -walks across the stage, as if there was some semblance of a play being performed and this was the proper scene-

The Exchange

Woman in Audience: Get off da Stage! I'm tryin' ta watch da play!


Narrator: "Okay, okay, we've decided to pick this up from the last bit from the original Conan the Barbarian movie. Conan is now nailed to a tree being eaten by buzzards after Thulsa Doom (played by one of those Wayans brothers) smacked him down."


-stagehands get to work trying to set up the scene with the lights dimmed, and the buzzards prove to be the small children of the staff, because the producer is a cheap bastard. Instead of waiting for their cue, they stumble out onto the stage before the tree is set up and agitate everyone involved in the process-


Evil Producer: My stinginess is a virtue! Ricevo non rispetta!

Scarab Sages

Evil Villain: *suddenly bursts Kool-Aid-Man-fashion out of the papier-mache background in which he had been imprisoned during intermission, staggers to the foreground, glares wildly at Evil Producer*

NO! You can't do this to me!
I...went...to...JUILLIAAAAAAARD!!!

*composes himself, begins singing*

AT LAAAAAST I HAAAAVE YOU CONAAAAAAN!
Behoooooold thine eternal faaate!
These buzzards shall rip out your spleen each night,
it shall groooow anew by each morning light,
here's looking at you kid, I must take flight!
My aaaagent just got me
A role with Angie Jolieeeeee!
Now ladies and gents, I leave youuuu,
with a group of mennnn who are BLUE!!!

SO LONG, SUCKERS! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

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