Chartered Company: Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business

Hey, we make bread! Come on in and try some.

Maybe while you eats it, you tells us what's on your mind. Tell us about your problems, and maybe we'll make your problems go away. Disappear. Just like that.

No, I don't know what happened to you uncle Vince, or how your brother Guido ended up floating in the canal.

Jeez, this is a legitimate business I'm running here.

No we aren't some kind of intermediary for hitmen or assassins!

What's with all the questions? You eat bread, you tell us your problems, you feel better. What's so complicated about that?!

I could see this being an awesome commercial.

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Scene opens with Medium, Low-Angle shot of a marble work-table. Tony Enters Stage Right.

TONY: Oh, hello. Welcome to Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business. Whaddya want? We got all kinds! Whether it's something simple and well-made for everyday occasions, or something special and unique tailored specifically to your needs, we can handle any kind of order. We always strive for quality baking, but at Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business, we know that customer satisfaction is just as important. Don't believe me? Then listen to some of our happy customers!

Cut to medium, high-angle shot of a disheveled Halfling.

HALFLING: I came in to visit Tony to get some ciabatta. I was having a bad month. I talked to Tony about it. Tony always listens to your problems, no matter how small. See, this loan shark was after me over some money my brother owed, but my brother had been dead for months, how was that my problem, you know? I went home to eat dinner and whaddya know, the next day, loan shark hangs himself! Lucky me, huh?

Cut to medium, high-angle shot of a middle-aged human woman.

WOMAN: Tony always makes the best sourdough, I come in every week to get some. One week, I come in, Tony can tell I'm upset and he asked me about it, so I told him. Turns out my lying husband had been cheating on me for months, with my sister! He tells me that even if things look bad, they'll get better. And they did! The next week they both drowned in a boating accident, and now with his inheritance, all of my days are filled with sunshine.

Cut to medium, high-angle shot of a rugged human man.

MAN: When I came to the River Kingdoms, I was an escaped slave, and Tony hooked me up with a friend of his, who gave me a job. It didn't pay much, but it kept me fed and warm. After a few months of working, I come to find out that a slave catcher might be looking for me. I was on my way to buy bread, so I tell Tony when I get there, and he reminds me that slave catchers aren't welcome, and that I shouldn't worry about it. I did worry, but Tony was right, no one ever came for me. I found the other day he got eaten by wolves five miles outside of town. Iomedae be praised!

Cut to medium, low-angle shot of Tony in front of his store.

TONY: So what are you waiting for? Come on down, eat some high quality bread, talk for a while, tell us your problems, feel better about things. You can't lose!

Cut to splash of logo. Announcer speaks rapidly.

ANNOUNCER: Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business is a bakery, nothing more. Life improvements are a result of happy coincidence and a positive attitude. Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business has no affiliation with the criminal underground. Open late. Closed on Oathdays.

That's brilliant, Skwiziks!

that's freaking hilarious, I love it

Haha, awesome business and commercials!

far too much awesome sir.

...but, what if I just want bread?

Did you say you're in the LEGitimate BREAdmaKING BUSINESS?

*Stealing*

I expect a franchise of Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business to open nearby. We offer delivery for subscribing and discerning citizens. All our Loaf Carriers are fully vetted and very discrete with any conundrums that perplex you. Afterall, we are bakers not gossips.

Bomar work for you?

Bomar make bread

Bomar make all types of bread, journeybread, olive bread, mouse head bread, Bomar even try making rock bread before. Rocks dont cook good.

Tony likes Bomar's resume. What stands out in particular is your experience making mouse head bread: have you ever tried using heads bigger than mice?

Ah, I believe I have many employees in my service that can be useful I believe. My company is the M.B.B (Magic may Break your Bones) They don't talk back, lift heavy objects, and if you want a companion they are in the multitudes in number, also no need for life insurance!

ummm Bomar never try putting bigger heads in bread, may need to make bread bigger to fit. Bomar also have special armor baked of finest bread, has DR 5/butter. bread armor

Bread armor is relevant to my interests, please go on.

My interests focus around my FRIENDS having bread armor. I never have to carry food again!

If Tony's Totally Legitimate Breadmaking Business doesn't appear in PFO (as player run or NPC), I will be very disappointed. When things aren't looking up, I could really go for a "Luck Scone."

Luck Scone: +1 luck bonus on saves against being depressed and hungry.

Wearing bread armor is the result of telling a sassy sorceress "Make me a sandwich."

Poof! You are a sandwich.

A crusty baguette sword as part of the bread armor set...

OOOO Bomar never thought of bread sword. Maybe bread mace be better. Bomar's father had bread knife once but it was actually made of metal, always confuse Bomar.

Anyway Bomar's armor is gone now, red dragon, long story but bread armor is now toast.

Donuts? Donuts are good.

The best kind? When you cut off one end of the donut and the jelly starts flowing out.

Don't eat the Nut Bread, it makes you go insane...

Bomar ate nut bread once. Bomar still seem fine, even my pet duck says so.

Hey Tony? Is sliced bread on the menu? Because I really like my bread nice and sliced up if you know what I mean.

Absolutely, Solemor. We charge a premium, however, if you want your break sliced slowly with a rusty spoon.

/bump for symmetry

/bump for symmetry

It takes a lot of skill to slice your bread symmetrically when you're using a dull, rusty spoon to slice it.

It takes a lot of skill to slice your bread symmetrically when you're using a dull, rusty spoon to slice it.

But why a spoon, cousin?

Blaeringr wrote:

It takes a lot of skill to slice your bread symmetrically when you're using a dull, rusty spoon to slice it.

But why a spoon, cousin?

cuz it's dull, you twit! it'll hurt more!

it'll hurt more!

Same answer for why it's "dull" and "rusty", no doubt.

Mmmmm...bread.

Tony's has had a website up for a while now, so I thought I'd just post the link: here we go

Sign up if you're interested in doing business with Tony (this site is not for people wanting to join his company, just business contacts).

That paid advertisment made me LoL.

I can imagine one of your assassins being a giant named Jack Beanstalk who recites the nursery rhyme then says;

"I'll grind his bones to make my bread."

After he's killed somebody. T'would be awesome.

A New Writ: "Sir, what would say about the rumors of the crazed murderer known as "The Giant" lurking around your establishment?"

Bread Maker: "That's just my competition telling tales; And furthermore-"

*body slumps in a corner followed with an awkward amount of silence*

Bread Maker: ... You can prove nothing...

You know who works well with bakers? Brewers. Always those big barrels moving in and out which could contain who knows what... The use of yeast for both baking and brewing... The occasional fires caused by someone accidentally setting a keg of spirits ablaze... Dealing with a wide variety of clients...

This is the most amazing thing I've seen in a while. I can't stop laughing.

Tony's feeling a little sad that the Seven Veils haven't mentioned anything to him about their Diplomatic Outreach program.

Is that because Tony is too small-time, or do the Seven Veilers not respect Tony's line of work?

Hey Yo...Tony...! Don'worry'boutit...

...left you a response in our thread.

Tony's feeling a little sad that the Seven Veils haven't mentioned anything to him about their Diplomatic Outreach program.

If you want to open official channels with us, register on our website and we we can handle official discussions there.

Does Tony ever end up hearing really interesting news from unique or interesting sources?

It's already been established that Tony occasionally hears about certain violent accidents, but I'm just curious as to how much (in the way of secrets, rumors, plans, that sort of thing) Tony intends to hear in his day-to-day. From folks like military leaders, high-ranking officials, potential members of rebel factions... that sort of thing.

I'm asking just because I'm legitimately curious, and am not at all acting as a representative for The First File.

What! Boss don;t know nothing like that but good cake recipies! Now, c'mere and help me with this 185 lbs sack of flour.

I wonder if tony would enjoy the company of a paladin laying bare all his troubles over some nice pancakes sometimes?

Greetings Tony. While the Keepers of the Circle may have less need of bread as we have the means to make our own, I'm certain if the shadows of your business and ours happen to fall on the same ground, it could be interesting. Please note that should the need arise our Keepers of the Circle Chancery is now open for any foreign envoys that might wish to parlay with us (to include the establishment or operation of any businesses within our territories and involving our members).

Erian El'ranelen, Warden of Gold, Keepers of the Circle

Hey Tony! I've been looking to get into the breadmaking business myself, yous gots any openings around the, eh, bakery?

breadmaking sounds great.

I would like to invite Tony's Totally Legitimate Bread Baking Business to cater for the convention of The Treaty of Rovagug. If during the course of serving us bread you happen to throw in some input and sign it just to say you where there... what the heck.

-Andius Meuridiar, Grand Master of The Empyrean Order

My lord Vecna approves of this enterprise.

Hey! So uhh, I've been thinking of possibly setting up a farm and I'd be happy to sell you pretty much anything you'd need. I might even have some, uhh, spices for sale every now and then, for spiced bread, if you're into that sort of thing.

Hey! So uhh, I've been thinking of possibly setting up a farm and I'd be happy to sell you pretty much anything you'd need. I might even have some, uhh, spices for sale every now and then, for spiced bread, if you're into that sort of thing.

Hey, I'm a home baker. Are those spices for sale to everyone?

Possibly. Depends on how rare they end up being, and whether I need to negotiate some sort of exclusivity deal with a franchise like Tony's that offers health benefits.

Arise!