And one more, inspired by Odin and that hat he wears as a disguise. You know the one, the disguise not even his own son Thor can pierce (but a remotely savvy reader pierces instantly, and spends the story facepalming at the god of thunder's obliviousness).
Hat of the Ceaseless Wanderer [157 words]
Aura faint divination, enchantment, transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot head; Price 14,000 gp; Weight -
Description
This soft cloth hat has a broad, floppy brim which half-conceals the wearer’s face in shadow, and looks as though it has seen a great deal of use, much of it in bad weather. The wearer finds it easier to get his way, and to survive outdoors.
When the wearer makes a Diplomacy check to make a request of a creature, he treat’s the creature’s attitude as one step more favorable than it is (to a maximum of helpful), and he can make requests of unfriendly creatures (as though they were indifferent).
Additionally, the wearer is not harmed by, and is comfortable in, hot or cold temperatures, as though affected by endure elements, and once per day, can tell in which direction north is.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, charm animal, endure elements, know direction; Cost 7,000 gp
Ok, notes on this. The theme didn't quite come together until the last minute. I came up early on with the endure elements and know direction vibe; handy, but not very important features. Still, very good for the theme in my head of someone wandering from town to town, alone. I had been toying with charm person effects, with straight skill bonuses, but those were so uninspiring I couldn't do them as a primary feature.
Charm animal, you ask? Well, once I had endure elements and know direction on the list, I had pretty much limited myself to druids as the only natural crafters of this item. And so, while I would have much preferred charm person, I decided to go with the spell that was on that class list.
I ad-hoc'd the Diplomacy price as 5,000 gp; first I roughed it out as a +5 bonus, which is the difference in Diplomacy DC from indifferent to friendly, which is probably what it will amount to most often, and then doubled it. I could see going a fair bit higher, though. The rest of the price is inflated because I felt I needed a CL boost to justify a power this strong, but then I had to triple the costs of the endure elements and know direction effects (even though they gain no real benefit). If I had not done so, figure the price would have been around 9,000 gp.
The theme is a bit unclear, unfortunately. I didn't want it to be a pure outdoorsman item (in which case I probably would have made the main feature be ignoring difficult terrain). But I need to do some work on the introductory paragraph, I think, to really tie the persuasive and outdoors aspects together into a cohesive and obvious theme. (Maybe also drop the name back to just Hat of the Wanderer; there's nothing really ceaseless about it here.)
Mirror of Lies Revealed
Since no one has given you feedback I thought I would give you some. First off I don't think your price is as far off as you think it is. I'd probably split the difference between your 30,000 gp and 15,000 gp. Mostly because this can't be carried around and used effectively by an adventuring party. It doesn't reveal what is hidden by illusion or what the creature's true form is or completely nullify invisibility. And it only does a 30 ft. cone. Symbol of Revelation does it twice that far and in a burst. It is sort of weird having to track an invisible creature in the mirror to pin point its square. How close do I have to be to the mirror to see that there is an invisible creature within 30 ft. of it? Do I have to be in its cone too? It would be hard to see how close I am to the invisible creature if I can't see my own reflection in the mirror because I'm too far away. Don't get me wrong. This item is more clearly written than most practice items. I would just assume that as long as you can see the mirror you can pin point the square an invisible opponent is in, but it does seem a little weird. Overall, not a bad item. It is kind of a Symbol of Revelation in a can and not real innovative as far as mechanics, but not a bad practice item.
Hoplite’s Tunic
This one is certainly more innovative. It is kind of weird that it says "the armor counts as one category lighter for the purposes of movement and encumbrance" as what is armor "encumbrance" but the armor's speed, max dex, weight, check penalty, and how it effects your run multiplier? Speed and the run multiplier seem to be based off an armor's type (light, medium, heavy), but that is subsumed in "movement." The others (weight, max dex, and check penalty) are not based off the armor's type and are instead based one the actual armor (hide vs. scale). You address weight and later you mention that the armor check penalty is reduced by 1. Does this stack with the reduction for masterwork armor? I assume so, but it would be nice to know. Finally the last ability with the bonus to bull rush and to avid bull rush and trips seems tacked on and its reasoning isn't obvious. I get that the hoplites fought in a organized group and were trained to stand their ground, but I think it needs a flavor line near the beginning. Maybe add to one of your first two sentences something like "and when donned gives the wearer a heightened determination to stand his ground."
Hat of the Ceaseless Wanderer
I think the Odin tie in is not there as this does nothing to disguise the wearer. I don't really care about that as these practice rules are not strict and I'm thinking about breaking one when I post an item. Reading this item made me think it should be a gunslinger item. The wandering hero that blows into town and blows back out once hes taken care of business. That being said, the theme is a little loose. Of the three effects the know direction and endure elements are the closely tied ones. The Diplomacy ability seems a bit over powered in my opinion. I think it should be limited in some way because as it is written EVERYONE just likes the wearer better across the board before a Diplomacy check. I like the idea, it just seems too good without a limit. I wouldn't worry about the charm person/charm animal thing. You might just replace it with "creator must have 6 ranks in Diplomacy."
Well that's my thoughts on these item. Overall, some good practice items.
Hi all, just popping in to also say how the items have improved over the last couple of months. Well done everyone.
I'm currently taking a break for the next few days to recharge the batteries and prepare for doing feedback on the next round entries - I do so love the map rounds.
Aye, I agree with the improvement aspect. :)
Fun to read these all, I hope you will continue practicing in the Blazing 9 after the winner is crowned :)
And one more, inspired by Odin and that hat he wears as a disguise. You know the one, the disguise not even his own son Thor can pierce (but a remotely savvy reader pierces instantly, and spends the story facepalming at the god of thunder's obliviousness).
Feedback. Please take what's useful and discard what ain't.
Phelan, I think you have three fine wondrous items here. It's just that they're all so... workmanlike. None of the concepts really inspire me--I feel no particular joy or pleasure as I read them, and I don't look at these concepts and feel tempted to steal them. Sorry.
Honestly I get the sense that you're holding back a little bit. And maybe I've got you wrong, or maybe you're just pushing out practice items to hone your technical skills. Either way, I'd encourage you to push the envelop a little bit and make the effects a bit more surprising and innovative.
Hope this helps.
Halfling, I think you're exactly right on what I need to do. The vast majority of my items have been pretty standard effects. Most things that I've written up, really, were just SAKs of things I wanted on the character.
For example, the original Helm of the Dread Warrior was the Iron Visage. It had...
+5 Intimidate
-5 Sense Motive against the wearer
25% chance to ignore gaze attacks
Demoralize any foe damaged in melee as a free action (Intimidate)
Hesitate (PHB2 spell) 2/day, using Intimidate's demoralize mechanic as a check instead of a normal saving throw.
See invisibility always on
Devil's eye (Book of Vile Darkness spell) always on.
Not much innovative there. Hesitate was being used pretty heavily at the time in the campaign, so the innovation was doing it via Intimidate instead of an item's save DC.
Or a belt with Enhancement to Strength & Con, and a stoneskin[/] effect once per day.
There was something a little interesting with a glove that added [i]slow effects to [cold] spells... but some [cold] spells had already been houseruled for that effect, and I was playing World of Warcraft at the time, too.
Basically, I think my ability to write clearly is adequate, at least for anything that doesn't have really complicated mechanics. What I really need is to come up with items where there's an interesting new mechanic.
The tunic doesn't do much of that, being a copy of mithral and some CMB/D bonuses.
The hat is the concept that interested me the most, but I just couldn't make it come together. I toyed with disguise self, but it just didn't do anything for me. Especially when I think that Odin's "disguise" was "wearing a hat with a floppy brim that hides the missing eye", and saying "Hi guys, my name is random old dude, and totally not Odin". The Diplomacy bit was literally last minute; I was trying to come up with something, and I was fixated on charm effects, but finding that unimpressive and SIAC. I came up with Diplomacy just in time to write and post before I had to leave the computer. It sort of works, and it might be better if I could have gotten the flavor text punched up to really put the theme together.
The mirror was a total out of nowhere idea. I can't even recall what prompted it when I was trying to work on the amphorae and getting nowhere. I thought of a mirror as some sort of defensive room emplacement. And, fortunately, didn't go with the "record something and play it back as an illusion". Because while that's cool... it's very much technology as magic. I think I did enough to change it form symbol of revelation to make it not a SIAC. It's definitely the best of the three, but it sounds like it needs some more mojo still.
I'm hoping I can translate my eyepatch idea into something good; I want it to be an item that trades normal vision through one eye (simple penalty to Perception) for some sort of otherworldly vision. Arcane sight is way too boring, and I'm not entirely sure what I want it to give; not X-ray vision. Jedi-style sight of the immediate future may work, but insight bonuses to AC or saves or similar and a limited-use augury seems workmanlike. Hopefully something will come to me by the time the next round starts; even if then the only relevance to the theme is that pirates iconically wear eyepatches. (It fits an Odin theme better, though; very well in such an incarnation, even though it remains a little uninspiring.)
But still, the items tend to do something fairly obvious for their type of item, and there's not much stretch out of standard mechanics.
Feedback is very much appreciated.
Ok, I'll throw out a practice item. I know I ignored the price restriction, but I didn't want to limit its abilities to the point that it seemed like the more powerful ability was not that much better than the weakest ability. Maybe just the first ability is all it needs. I don't know. It is kind of innovative giving a bonus every time you drop someone in combat. Hit points were the only thing I could think of that wouldn't further make the user more powerful in the current combat, but would just replenish something he had likely lost. I'm not crazy about the wording but I stole it from the 3rd Ed Power Attack feat. When I designed this I didn't realize Halfling not a Hobbit already did a wreath object.
Laural Wreath of the Victor
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot head; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This aromatic wreath, designed to adorn the head, is fashioned from living leaves of the bay tree. Close examination will reveal that the stalks that hold the leaves together are gilded in gold.
In combat the wearer is granted a reward whenever he triumphs over an adversary. If the wearer deals a creature enough damage to make it drop (typically by dropping it to below 0 hit points or killing it), the wreath heals him of 1d8+5 points of damage.
Once per day, as a standard action, the wearer can designate one opponent within line of sight as his mortal enemy. For the next 10 rounds he gains a +2 morale bonus to attack rolls against that opponent and a +2 morale bonus to saving throws against effects originating from that opponent. If during this 10 round duration the wearer drops the designated enemy in combat, he is healed 100 hit points of damage and detrimental effects are removed as per the heal spell.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, heal, heroism; Cost 15,000 gp
I'd be careful of the word drop, as I could see someone arguing that a trip maneuver (or even picking a bad guy up and literally dropping it) would trigger the magic item. I would probably use kill or render unconscious.
Will try to respond more soon; too tired now (caught this on my last refresh right before bed, apparently RIGHT after you posted it).
Laural Wreath of the Victor
Yeah I guess great minds think alike!
The healing ability as written will allow a wearer to heal himself up to full by killing a bunch of squirrels, or by designating a single weak creature as a mortal enemy. At least that's how I read it. Not sure if that's intentional.
I'm not sure how I feel about the healing abilities--they're not bad, but they don't exactly fill me with the "omg that's awesome" vibe. Do you have any other boons that you were considering granting the wearer when he drops a creature?
(Btw my wreath-fu is telling me that "Laural" is a misspelling.)
Yeah, I'd look into the cavalier and see if I could tie it into the challenge mechanic. Would be easy if you wanted to make it a class-specific item, but even if not, I'd look to borrow some of the wording from there.
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Laural Wreath of the Victor
Random thoughts;
1) Back in, I think it was, 2nd edition, there was a bonus XP mechanic that rewarded individual classes for doing stuff appropriate to their class, like casting spells or healing damage or disarming a trap. Fighter types, IIRC, got XP bonuses for getting the 'kill' on a mob, which I remember leading to complaints of 'stealing kills' or bizarre events like the rest of the party holding their actions to let the fighter get the kill shot on a monster they knew was a sliver from death. An 'I get a bonus if I get the kill shot' mechanic, in my experience, lends to this sort of gamist behavior, either cooperatively (others delaying to let fighter get the kill) or competitively (fighter complaining because the cleric got the death-blow and 'stole his kill').
Changing it to trigger if a mob dies within melee range or adjacent to the laurel-wielder, even if he didn't happen to get the death-blow, might mitigate this meta-gamey aspect. Or it might just encourage a different sort of meta-gaming, with the wearer trying to be adjacent to as many monsters as possible...
2) The trigger should be a monster that is near the CR of the wearer, not rats or whatever. Alternately, the amount of healing could be based on the CR of whatever got dropped, with anything under CR 1 not being strong enough to generate any healing. Different power levels of item could heal 1 hp / CR of the target to 1d8 hp / CR of the target.
3) The initial effect seems very much like death knell, even if it's mechanically a bit different, making the item feel like a 'spell-in-a-can.'
4) The second effect is reminiscent of the challenge mechanic of the Cavalier (or even a Paladin's smite), and, the closer it gets to either of those, the more it turns into the even *less* encouraged 'class-ability-in-a-can.'
5) All of that aside, I love the basic idea, as I'm always fond of rules that allow a non-healer class to heal itself by doing what it's supposed to be doing. Unlike most 'class abilities in a can,' giving someone other than the cleric the ability to heal themself actually *rewards* the cleric player by letting him use his actions to do something other than play healbot.
I'd be careful of the word drop, as I could see someone arguing that a trip maneuver (or even picking a bad guy up and literally dropping it) would trigger the magic item. I would probably use kill or render unconscious.
Yeah that is one reason I didn't like the wording, but like I said I took it directly from the wording of the Power Attack feat from 3.5 including the part in parentheses. I try to use official wording when I can find something similar, but this wording did seem loose, older addition and everything.
The healing ability as written will allow a wearer to heal himself up to full by killing a bunch of squirrels, or by designating a single weak creature as a mortal enemy.
You are right, but I don't find the squirrels to be a problem as this is just easily fixed if the GM isn't an idiot. If the fighter in my group was in the forest looking for a herd of squirrels to slaughter I would simply tell him that he sees one chattering at him from a tree. But I agree that there is room for abuse if it is not addressed to what creatures would trigger the effect. An ant hill might be a problem. Perhaps it should be limited to sapient enemies or something to that effect. As for designating a weak enemy as a mortal enemy to gain the benefit, as I GM I would probably make the player pay for that decision. You used your mortal enemy effect for the day on the deer you hunted? It is too bad that dragon over there wants a share of your kill. I realize that this is better addressed in the item itself so what if the mortal enemy must have an equal or greater number of hit dice as the wearer? And I realize is it not OMG awesome. If I though it was I would be saving it for my actual entry next year (in fact I have a few of these I'm working on).
As I mentioned, I did consider other bonuses, but they all made the user creep up in combat power as he killed things where healing just keeps him in the fight. One option I have recently considered was something like "the wearer may choose one of the following boons: +1 morale bonus to his next attack roll, +2 morale bonus to his next damage roll, +1 morale bonus to his next saving throw, +1 morale bonus to his next skill check or ability check." Or something like that. It only effects the next roll of the type and is pretty minor as they don't stack. I might even be able to get the item under the 15,000 gp price with these more minor effects. Maybe allow 1 temporary HP as an option as well? And I did spell Laurel wrong.
Random thoughts
1) You are right about this. That could be a problem. One fix could be that the user must designate a single combatant when he rolls initiative and can only select a new one when the first one is slain. This way the whole party knows which enemy the user wants to kill and if someone intentionally steals the kill, well that would be a gaming faux pas and I hope your gaming group would not make a habit of that. If so, the player should find another group. And players could hold off killing the big baddie to let the fighter get the healing, but in the big encounters a single turn could mean the death of a character. Eh, I always rely too much on players avoiding metagame thinking.
2) Right again. This would fix that problem. I would rather use Hit Dice than CR. To me CR is not a stat that should be used in a magic item or spell. It is too intangible for this sort of mechanic. Of course I could be wrong. Does anyone know of a spell or magic item that uses a creature's CR?3) Yeah, a little bit, but it is not quite the same. You don't get the healing from stealing the life force of an already dieing creature. You get the healing from the wreath as a reward for downing a foe. The foe doesn't even have to die. As I said, I wouldn't really enter this item in RPGSS.
4) Similar. True enough.
5) That is the big reason I like it too.
Anyway, thanks for everyone's feedback.
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This is another item, I just think the name needs more work maybe even changed to petal or something.
Phoenix Feathers
Aura moderate conjuration (healing); CL 13th
Slot none; Price 4,550 gp; Weight -.
Description
This soft, fluffy substance is bright crimson in color and often takes the shape of a small feather.
Created through alchemical means, while phoenix down is not actually from the legendary bird its name is derived from, its function is very reminiscent of it. If applied to a creature that died within the last four rounds they are restored to life per the raise dead spell. Using a phoenix feather is a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, breath of life; Cost 2,275 gp
Just a quick pop in on Pheonix Feather - template fu stirred in his sleep and pointed at weight and spells..
He mumbles in a drowsy way - "when using emdash for no weight, there is no period, spell names should be italicized."
He munches a virtual point (:p) and goes back to hibernation mode...
Well, it's essentially breath of life in a can, except that it has a 4 round limit instead of a 1 round limit. It's perhaps a bit dangerously reminiscent of Phoenix Down from Final Fantasy, and it shouldn't need to specify that it is a standard action to use. Specifying that using it provokes attacks of opportunity seems like something that should be specified, though.
Describing it as produced through alchemical means is also odd; alchemical items exist, so you don't want to imply this is an alchemical item, rather than a wondrous item. If it's produced through alchemical means, then it should be produced via a Craft (alchemy) check, not Craft Wondrous Item.
Based on the feedback I got here is the adjusted item and a variant. They are not meant to be associated items. They are two different items based off the same triggering mechanism. Please evaluate them as though the other doesn't exist.
Slot head; Price 30,000 gp; Weight —
Description
This aromatic wreath, designed to adorn the head, is fashioned from living leaves of the bay tree. Close examination reveals that the stalks holding the leaves are gilded in gold. At the beginning of the user's first turn after rolling initiative he may choose one opponent he can see. If the chosen opponent has at least 1 hit die and an Intelligence of at least 1, the wearer is granted a reward when he triumphs over that adversary. If the wearer deals the creature enough damage to kill, destroy, or knock it unconscious, the wreath heals the wearer of 1d8+5 points of damage. If the chosen opponent is killed, the wearer can immediately choose another opponent he can see as the target of this effect.
Once per day, as a standard action, the wearer can designate the target of this effect as his mortal enemy. As long as this opponent has hit dice equal to or greater than the wearer's character level, the wearer gains a +3 morale bonus to attack rolls against that opponent and a +3 morale bonus to saving throws against effects originating from that opponent. This effect lasts for 10 rounds. If during this 10 round duration the wearer deals the target enough damage to kill, destroy, or knock it unconscious, the wearer is healed of damage and detrimental effects are removed as per the heal spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, heal, heroism; Cost 15,000 gp
Slot head; Price 1,800 gp; Weight —
Description
This finely crafter golden circlet is designed to look like a wreath of bay leaves often placed upon the head of a competition's winner. The wearer is granted a reward whenever he triumphs over an opponent. If the wearer deals enough damage to kill, destroy, or knock unconscious an opponent with at least 1 hit die, the wearer gains one of the following bonuses of his choice:
If unused, these bonuses disappear after one hour.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, guidance, virtue; Cost 900 gp
I considered just making the spell requirements for the circlet be Heroism and making it an enchantment effect only. Heroism seems like a fighting spell, thematically. Does this push the caster level up to 6 then? I don't like that because this is not a powerful item.
Laurel Wreath of the Victor...
Template fu gives the big grin...
Well done - spells sorted alphabetically, italicised, US number formats, proper emdash too!
Ah, hes not grinning at that - he's grinning because your commas between the three spells are also italics, the commas shouldn't be.
To the description...
Okay, I'm not an expert in tight writing, so take what I say here as just one opinion...(and this is also an area I'm practicing)
"This aromatic wreath, designed to adorn the head, is fashioned from living leaves of the bay tree. Close examination reveals that the stalks holding the leaves are gilded in gold."
I had some problems here...
If the leaves are natural, then the aromatic scent makes sense, but then you gild the stalks in gold. Now for me, the process of gilding would probably kill of the leaves and/or burn away the natural oils causing the aroma.
Also we see laurel in the title, then wreath in the description - which are kind of at odds with each other.
Finally,
a) we know its a head item, and
b) it's two sentences of description eating into your word count.
Sorry, if this is brutal, but I'm using your item for practice too...
You could try something like...
"This aromatic laurel is formed of freshly plucked bay leaves woven into a gold gilded nest." (or something like that).
30 words in two sentences in your version, including repeating that it's a head item.
My version omits that repetition and comes in at 16 words, 1 sentence - half as many.
The very next sentence should be a paragraph break, as you have moved from physical description to effects and powers.
"At the beginning of the user's first turn after rolling initiative he may choose one opponent he can see."
Here, you could make a subtle change, again for tight wording reasons. It is subtle, and probably wouldnt harm your item, something like this...
"On your first initiative, you can choose one opponent you can see".
a) Im using you here as Sean (I think) commented that he would like to get away from he/she to you like in other rules areas.
b) On your first initiative (4 words), is quite shorter than "At the beginning of the user's first turn after rolling initiative" (11 words)
Remember, if it's the users first turn, we know it is after initiative rolling, you are kind of starting to get close to repeating some rules here, so short and sweet works (I think at least).
As I am looking at writing style at the moment, I wont delve into your mechanics, someone else is bound to do that.
There is one last area of possible contention...
"when he triumphs over that adversary"
This is quite open to interpretation... for me, triumph could be capture, force to flee, and not just kill, yet the powers in the item would cause me kill or incapacitate only to get the triggering effect.
I also worry about meta gaming, lets see, I'll drag yon big beastie over to the 1 hit dice, intelligence 1+ field of sheep, oh dear, mr sheep, I choose you... I'm nearly dead now, dead sheep - recharge.
It allows players to power game so that they have an inexhaustible supply of cheap heal whenever they can engage the main threat with easy kills in the vicinity.
Phew - sorry about that, but I quite like what you were trying to do, so decided to have a real dig at it.
Hope it's helpful and as its now almost 1am here, I'll look at the other item in the morning. Night all.
Laurel Wreath of the Victor
Thanks for the feedback.
I'm aware that I shouldn't italicize the comas. Maybe I should have done it individually, but I didn't really care for this practice forum. It's a pain in the rear with BBCode and I'm assuming anything that gets submitted as an actual freelancer would be in Word or something and not need BBCode.The item is magic. If the description says leaves are live and aromatic, they are. I don't think it has to be explained how they survived being gilded. I originally wrote it in two sentences so it would read like : the leaves are alive, but their base is surprisingly covered in gold. But you are right about the opening sentences. They could easily be firmed up and shortened. I usually spend more time refining things when I actually submit an entry.
Laurel is an adjective referring to the laurel plants the wreath is made of. I have seen these head wreaths simply revered to as "laurels," but my research said that was incorrect and the correct term is "laurel wreath". I have noticed that magic items seem to forgo adjectives starting the name or else have the Noun Comma Adjective format, so maybe I should have forgone the "Laurel" part of the name.
I'm not sure your use of "on your first initiative" is correct game term usage. The term "initiative" is not used, at least not that I can find, to refer to your turn in initiative order. It is used to refer to the order the characters go in, but not the actual turn in that order. You have an "initiative result" or an "initiative score" that could change up or down in the order, but when your "turn" comes at your "initiative count" it is not referred to as your "initiative." This is an issue of semantics but I think I'm right on this. That being said, I think there is probably a better way to write that sentence than what I had.
Also, you said that Sean wants to get away from using he/she, but does this mean he wants to begin using "you?" Only two wondrous items in the SRD use "you" to refer to the user of the item. If one of the judges said he wants to see this, please point me to that posting.
The "triumph" line was not meant to be a line of game mechanics, but a line of flavor. In the first version it was more closely connected to the description and I rewrote it poorly confusing mechanics and theme.
And the metagaming is still there. I tried to curb it somewhat, but sheep do still qualify for the 1d8+5 healing, but not the full Heal. Again as a GM I wouldn't allow this or at least let it happen. The grazing sheep would either not count as an opponent or it would simply run away from the fighter as he approached. Granted he could shoot the thing, but it is still not an opponent. But ok, this is still up to interpretation and abusable. So how do I fix it without changing the theme of the item? I want a clan of goblins to count, but not peaceful livestock. Would raising the Intelligence requirement to 3 do it? I kind of want bear and dinosaurs to count. Any other suggestions?
Heh heh, it was 1am when I typed that - but yeah, "laurel wreath" in the description would have avoided that image in my head.
As for the gilding, yeah, I know its magic, I was just saying it didnt sit right with me - a lot of my feedback is personal feelings and thoughts from a desk where there's just me. I hope it helps, as that's the intention.
I was also struggling on rewording that initiative bit too - maybe it could be simplified to "as a free first action on your turn, you can choose a new opponent that you can see" or something like that?
As I went to bed, I just remembered, my subconscious started wondering about what happens, if anything, if someone kills your target for you ...
I think you don't get the triggered effects as you didn't land the killing blow. If that's the intention, that's fine.
Anyways, hope you found something useful from my sleep induced zombie late night writings.
I think you don't get the triggered effects as you didn't land the killing blow. If that's the intention, that's fine.
That's right. But the user can immediately choose another character as the target of the first effect. The second effect is locked on one creature once per day. This might still lead to a gamey situation where the big baddie gets left alive for a turn or two to let the fighter get his Heal effect, but I'm not sure I hate that. I could fix it by allowing the later effect to happen regardless as to who makes the kill. Does anyone think that is a good idea?
I like the second item a bit better because the effects, though useful, are not that big of a deal if a kill gets "stolen."
And thanks for any feedback you give, sleep deprived or not. It helps.
Still, can you point me to the "use 'you' instead of 'he/she'" thread? And does anyone have a fix for the "killing stupid animals to heal problem?"
The second effect is locked on one creature once per day. This might still lead to a gamey situation where the big baddie gets left alive for a turn or two to let the fighter get his Heal effect, but I'm not sure I hate that. I could fix it by allowing the later effect to happen regardless as to who makes the kill. Does anyone think that is a good idea?
I think that could probably be fairly risky, having anyone make the kill.
As for the former, I think that's less likely simply because the Big Bad is usually going to be more dangerous left alive than any restorative effects killing it might provide. Also, it's generally the climax of the adventure so you're not going to feel the need to get healing at the end of the fight, as you're likely to assume combat will be done for the moment.
I don't recall a thread or any comments about not using he/she, but it makes sense that publishers are looking to be more language inclusive in pronoun usage to appeal to their entire market. Males and females game, and characters can be male or female so using he/she him/her or his/her is using language in a limiting way. I do recall reading something in a critique this year, but I can not remember where, that indicated the designer should have used "the bearer", or "the wearer" to identify how the item interacts with the character using it which you do well through the rest of the items description. I don't think changing "he" to "you" is necessary but reworking the sentence to take out the need for the personal pronoun might help with the clarity of your item.
EX:
At the beginning of the user's first turn after rolling initiative he may choose one opponent he can see. If the chosen opponent has at least 1 hit die and an Intelligence of at least 1, the wearer is granted a reward when he triumphs over that adversary. If the wearer deals the creature enough damage to kill, destroy, or knock it unconscious, the wreath heals the wearer of 1d8+5 points of damage.
Could Read:
As a free action the wearer designates one visible opponent, minimum 1HD and Intelligence, as their adversary. If the wearer deals the adversary enough damage to kill, destroy or knock it unconscious, the wreath heals the wearer 1d5+5 points of damage.
I'm still trying to find it, it was a one line comment during some feedback type post and I can recall saying in a response that I might add it to my template post. I'll have a good dig around at the weekend.
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I vaguely recall that gender-specific pronouns will tend to conform to the gender of the iconic, if applicable. (So a reference to a generic sorcerer will use 'her' and a reference to a generic bard will use 'his.') But I'm not sure if that's a holdover from WotC, or something I'm just totally making up...
It's still a convention in use by Paizo.
Drydocked oar [293 words]
Aura faint illusion and conjuration (creation); CL 4th
Slot none; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This wooden oar, its paddle decorated with arcane runes, smells faintly of brine.
When a user paddles with a drydock oar as a move, standard or full action, the oar creates a spectral river and longship in the user’s space that allows him to travel over flat terrain or gradual slopes, ignoring difficult terrain. Any willing creature touching the user may be transported along with him.
The user may take any driving actions he wishes, but does not need to make driving checks. He is considered facing the first direction he moves. The oar may be used up to 10 rounds a day. When the oar's maximum duration is reached, a user immediately decelerates at the fastest possible speed until he comes to a stop, though he can continue to turn.
If the user hits a creature or vehicle of his size or larger (requiring a melee touch attack), or his movement takes him into the space of a solid sturdy object (like a wall or a building) no matter the size of that object, he makes a ramming maneuver as if he were on a longship. The user is damaged as well and is knocked prone. A successful Reflex saving throw (DC 10 + 1 for every 10 feet of speed the user was moving when it hit the structure or creature) halves the damage and keeps him from being knocked prone. The oar can not be used again for 24 hours after a user rams something.
If used as a weapon, treat it as a club+1 with a 10-foot reach.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, hallucinatory terrain, phantom steed; Cost 9,000 gp
I doubt adding a final bit about being used as a weapon would DQ you - think of tankards and other wondrous item that you can smash, bash, throw etc.
It makes sense in this case - "You attack me when I'm holding this big lump of wood, hmm, I'll hit you with it..."
It's main purpose is not as a weapon, it can just be used that way, so I think this is reasonably safe in this case.
If I'm wrong, I'm sure Neil will put me right ;P
Anthony, I agree that I didn't think it would be a DQ, but I thought it could be risky.
Dang it, you're right (and it should certainly be italicized, though that part at least got missed because I was doing it from work and had to reinsert all the tags that were in the item writeup already at home...).
Gradual slopes come from the Environment section of the core rulebook under hills and mountains.
Jacob, just a quick couple of thoughts:
* You call it one thing in the item name and another in the description.
* How long is the oar? Can it double as a 10 ft pole?
* I think the phantom longboat and river are a nice touch, and make it easier for me to accept the item. It's a pretty small longboat if it only fills the wielder's square, though - and how about taking people along? Does the boat expand to cover all the squares?
* I'd drop the line about using the oar as a weapon. The game has rules for improvised weapons already. If anyone wants to clonk people over the head with the oar, they can refer to them. That is, unless it is your intention that the oar should double as an effective weapon.
All right, here's my next shot at it. A couple of notes:
(1) I can't put the elemental under the wearer's control because then I'd have created an item that scales with character level. IOW, If I were to go this route I'd have to give up on varying the size of the elemental.
(2) An underlying weakness with this concept is that disease is usually a plot device--and in that sense, so is this item.
I have a bunch of other crap I want to say, but I'm restraining myself for the time being as I'd really like to hear people's feedback without being influenced by commentary. Thanks a whole bunch in advance!
Wreath of the Ancient Preserver [278 words]
Aura weak divination and conjuration; CL 5th
Slot headband; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Eternally green laurel branches adorn this horseshoe-shaped wreath. When worn, it enhances the senses of the wearer, who perceives a muddy brown aura surrounding all creatures afflicted by disease or infestation within 60'. This ability does not provide information about the type of disease, or the number of diseases afflicting a particular creature.
Twice per day, the wearer may attempt to cure a victim of a single disease by attempting a combat maneuver check. If the check succeeds against a CMD equal to the save DC of the highest DC affliction present, the wearer rips the aura off the victim, removing the affliction instantaneously. An aura so removed takes the form of a vortex of foul air (treat as an air elemental with strangulation susceptibility; see chart below) which single-mindedly attacks its former host until it is destroyed, he is slain, or one minute has passed.
Strangulation Susceptibility (Ex)
An opponent making a successful grapple check against this elemental may choose, instead of their normal grapple actions, to make a special constrict attack which does no damage but instead reduces the size of the elemental by one step (e.g., from Large to Medium). An elemental so reduced is cured of all damage and loses all temporary conditions except for grappled; in effect, the smaller elemental replaces the larger one. A Small elemental subject to this attack is destroyed.
Disease DC Elemental Size
12 or less Small
13-14 Medium
15-18 Large
19-22 Huge
23-26 Greater
27+ Elder
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, diagnose disease, remove disease; Cost 4,000 gp
Drydocked oar [293 words]
I agree with everything Jacob Trier said. A few other things:
--The price seems pretty high, compared to (for example) a carpet of flying.
--Do the rounds/day need to be used consecutively?
--I think the item should also be usable over any degree of downward grade, like they were rowing over rushing rapids or down waterfalls.
Hey all,
If you havent got it yet and are serious about games design, please check out the Kobold Complete Guide to Game Design
I got this a couple weeks ago and have been reading it between my reviews of the encounters for Round 4 - OMG, it's a trove of useful goodness. Although not specifically targetted at Superstar - there are some very very good articles on the design processes in there - they have certainly made me re-think some of the things I do.
So much so, that having gotten some feedback for my next item for this thread from my games club, I realised that it might just be doing me some good...
One guy actually wrote "Was it really you who wrote this or did it come from a web site/pdf?" - now I dont yet know if thats good or bad, but it must mean my game design submission writing style may be changing - whether for the worse or the better, only time will tell.
I'll probably be posting the item in question in about a week - have more reviews to finish first and then some editing before posting.
Hope you are all keeping well.
Second the KQ guide recommendation. Picked all three of 'em up after Jacob Triers quoted them in his review of my item, and they were worth every penny.
FYI, my link is the revised and expanded version that contains the three individual volumes plus extras.
OK, here's another shot at the drydocked oar, which I continue to like, despite my difficulties getting the point across quite as clearly as I want (guess it's good I went through the process here instead of submitting it for next year).
I tried again to clarify what the illusion shows, which is obviously giving me some fits. I debated saying it's got to have room to create the entire illusionary longship, but that would basically take away most combat use, which is part of it I like. You can zip across the battlefield and slam into a foe with a decent attack (8d8 melee touch), but you have to sacrifice that high speed.
I dropped the rounds/day limit, which also makes it more of an overland conveyance than I'd originally pictured, though that's not bad. Also gets rid of the slightly confusing aspect of what happens if you're going full speed and the rounds/day run out. That should help address Halfling's price concerns, though.
I also like the weapon aspect enough that I do want to keep that (though I suppose I could get 15 words back from it). I like the idea of an Ulfen barbarian running around and beating people with his paddle, I guess.
As always, feedback's appreciated.
Drydocked oar
Aura faint illusion and conjuration (creation); CL 4th
Slot none; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This oar, typically made of wood, bone or ivory with arcane runes decorating the paddle, smells faintly of brine.
A user paddling with a drydocked oar as a move, standard or full action appears to be on the front of an illusionary longboat on a spectral river and gains a base speed of 60 feet over flat terrain or gradual slopes, ignoring any difficult terrain, though he must accelerate at a speed of 30 feet per round. Willing creatures touching the user may travel with him and appear to be on the longship as well.
The user may take any driving actions he wishes, but does not need to make driving checks. He is considered facing the first direction he moves.
If the user hits a creature or vehicle of his size or larger (requiring a melee touch attack), or his movement takes him into the space of a solid sturdy object (like a wall or a building) no matter the size of that object, he makes a ramming maneuver as if he were on a longship. The user is damaged as well and is knocked prone. A successful Reflex saving throw (DC 10 + 1 for every 10 feet of speed the user was moving when it hit the structure or creature) halves the damage and keeps him from being knocked prone. The oar can not be used again for 24 hours after a user rams something.
If used as a weapon, treat it as a +1 club with a 10-foot reach.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, hallucinatory terrain, phantom steed; Cost 9,000 gp
Hey all, just a quick pop in - I remember seeing something about a "Blazing 9" area for us to practice in.
Anyone know if this is open/where it is as I am having a dickens of a time finding it?
There was a thread started last year in the general discussion forum. I imagine someone could start the same thread this year. I might still wait until Monday or Tuesday to give Mike and the fans more time to bask in his glory, though.
Hey all, just a quick pop in - I remember seeing something about a "Blazing 9" area for us to practice in.
Anyone know if this is open/where it is as I am having a dickens of a time finding it?
Aye, I want Mike (congratulations Mike) to be the center of attention for as long as possible.
I do plan to start the Blazing 9 thread here for practice in a week or two (on a Tuesday since I am afk on Mondays :)