REWRITE
Aura faint conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot --; Price 9,000 gp; Weight --
DescriptionThe glass stopper of this dark green bottle looks like a mushroom with white spots on a long red cap. A slimy liquid sloshes inside. Pouring the liquid (full round action) onto the body of a creature causes the corpse to bubble, hiss and dissolve into a thick, viscous liquid which evaporates 1d4 rounds later. Such corpses can not be reanimated or communicated with.
The corpse of any size small or larger creature with a natural poison attack, dissolved this way grows three mushrooms as the liquid evaporates. These mushrooms soak the poison from an individual’s system when ingested, preventing any further poison effects. Ingesting a mushroom can also prevent an individual from becoming poisoned, but this protection lasts only three rounds. The mushrooms do not cure damage caused by poison.
Harvested mushrooms last four rounds unless stored in the bottle, which instead last for a week. The liquid in the bottle reforms the day after all the mushrooms disappear or are consumed.
Construction
Requirements Craft wondrous item, delay poison, purify food and drink; Cost 4,500 gp
I have no substantive issues with the mechanics (I'll leave those to someone more well versed with the rules, though they seem fine to me). But, for what it's worth, here's some (long-winded) feedback on the text.
From the first sentence, I am having trouble picturing this item. I am picturing a glass stopper on a green bottle (so far so good). Glass stopper looks like a mushroom, got it. White spots, good. "Long" hmm, what's long about a mushroom? The stem springs to mind, and then you say "cap". This is a bit jarring, because it's unexpected. I realize that there are some mushrooms that can have long caps (maybe your mushroom cap is a cross between the first two at this link: (but glass, not felt :)), but without more context/description it's difficult to picture.
Do slimy liquids slosh? To me, slimy implies viscous, which would gurgle or gloop, but not slosh.
"Pouring the liquid onto the body of a creature..." Any body? You should really specify a dead body right off the bat. Maybe: "Pouring the liquid (ibid) onto a dead body causes the corpse to bubble..."
The rest of the paragraph is very clear :)
The first sentence of the second paragraph starts with a somewhat awkwardly precise phrase, followed by a very awkward comma. What about tiny creatures? I'm not sure I see a good reason to exclude them - it's magic after all - does it matter if tiny creatures might not reasonably be able to yield 3 mushrooms? How about this: "When the corpse of any creature with a natural poison attack is dissolved by the liquid in the toxin trapper bottle, three mushrooms grow from the remains as they evaporate."
The next sentence buries the lead - the important point is that the mushrooms have to be ingested to have any effect - plus it's a little unclear at first if you're still describing how the mushrooms grow (i.e., by absorbing the natural poison from the evaporating remains?). I would also flip the order of the effects (but maybe I'm wrong about that).
"When ingested, a harvested mushroom provides immunity against poison, protection which lasts for three rounds. In addition, an ingested mushroom immediately neutralizes any poison already present in an individual's system, halting any further effects. However, an ingested mushroom does not cure any damage already taken from a poison that it neutralizes."
I think the above is the same mechanically as the text you had - in your text I wasn't clear if some one who was already poisoned would also gain 3 rounds of immunity, or just have their poison neutralized. In my suggested changes, I think it's clearer (though perhaps not explicit either) that both effects are granted by eating a mushroom (though this may not have been what you intended).
I think starting the last paragraph with 'harvested' works better when 'harvested' is also used earlier in the text (as I put it above). The 'which' clause at the end of the first sentence is still a bit awkward though. It strikes me as solidly ungrammatical. How about: "Harvested mushrooms last four rounds unless stored in the bottle, where they instead last for one week. The mushrooms evaporate when this time limit expires. The liquid in the bottle reforms one day after all three mushrooms disappear or have been consumed."
This last part would be much simpler to write if there was only a single time limit - does it really matter that mushrooms last longer if stored in the bottle? Why only four rounds outside the bottle (why not 5 or 6, for example)?
It would be much simpler to say something like: "Harvested mushrooms that are not eaten last for one week, after which time they evaporate. The liquid in the bottle reforms one day after all three mushrooms are gone." ('evaporate' may be a better word than 'disappear' here, to evoke a continuity with how the mushrooms were formed).
Why is there a line break after "Construction"?
Still, I think it's a cool item that would be fun to use (and I really like the corpse evaporation aspect of it). :)
Huh, that is a better phrasing of my descriptive text. I'll try to keep it more active next time.
Having the flames build would have been a good idea. I was more thinking on one great sweep of the fan would cause this cloud of hot gas to roll along - but that doesn't really justify spending so many actions to maintain it. Especially at the price of the item.
It feels so long ago since i wrote that, man.
most of the cloud spells do not move, (one of the upper level ones does) and they almost all say 'strong winds will disperse'. Of course you were not using the cloud spells so maybe you wanted to avoid this. In which case it works :) It was only last month :)
some awsome stuff
hmmm... I do not plan another rewrite and that is how responses to your questions should be made. I agree with your writing suggestions. Most of the answers to other questions you asked were to keep balance mechanically. Any person with a tiny scorpion could use the bottle to prevent purple worm damage. (Technically bees and mosquitoes have poison, hence the choice to limit sizes that might at least be adventure worthy.) Likewise I felt it would be game breaking if more than three mushrooms could be created people would have an unlimited supply of antipoison.
EDIT: spot on with the links :)
Me thinks I should not post right before bed and I should have my group look these over before I post, which is what I do for my actual entry. ...it might even give them some practice on critiquing for may actual entry :)
Huh, that is a better phrasing of my descriptive text. I'll try to keep it more active next time.
Having the flames build would have been a good idea. I was more thinking on one great sweep of the fan would cause this cloud of hot gas to roll along - but that doesn't really justify spending so many actions to maintain it. Especially at the price of the item.
It feels so long ago since i wrote that, man.
most of the cloud spells do not move, (one of the upper level ones does) and they almost all say 'strong winds will disperse'. Of course you were not using the cloud spells so maybe you wanted to avoid this. In which case it works :) It was only last month :)
some awsome stuffhmmm... I do not plan another rewrite and that is how responses to your questions should be made. I agree with your writing suggestions. Most of the answers to other questions you asked were to keep balance mechanically. Any person with a tiny scorpion could use the bottle to prevent purple worm damage. (Technically bees and mosquitoes have poison, hence the choice to limit sizes that might at least be adventure worthy.) Likewise I felt it would be game breaking if more than three mushrooms could be created people would have an unlimited supply of antipoison.
EDIT: spot on with the links :)
Me thinks I should not post right before bed and I should have my group look these over before I post, which is what I do for my actual entry. ...it might even give them some practice on critiquing for may actual entry :)
Excellent point about the tiny creatures - I hadn't considered that. Maybe then make the size restriction applicable to the item as a whole?
In the first paragraph -
"Pouring the liquid (full round action) onto the dead body of any size small or larger creature causes the corpse to bubble..."
In the second paragraph -
"If the creature dissolved by the liquid in the toxin trapper bottle had a natural poison attack, three mushrooms grow from the remains as they evaporate."
(Just a thought - I'm not sure right now if that's an improvement)
I'll be away for a lot of July, so here's a new item to tide you lot over.
Traitor's Shoes
Aura moderate conjuration, illusion; CL 7th
Slot feet; Price 25,000gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These supple leather shoes are dotted by almost-brown spots, as if they had been spattered with blood some time ago. Once per day, the wearer of these shoes can activate them to escape from a tricky situation. These shoes can be activated either as a standard action, or as a swift action immediately following an attack on an opponent who was denied their Dexterity bonus to the wearers attack.
When activated, these shoes allow the wearer to teleport, as dimension door, to any location within 500 ft. Doing so also causes the wearer to become invisible for 7 minutes to facilitate an easy escape.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door, greater invisibility; Cost 12,500gp
(writing is a little weak here, but the effect is good. Not quite superstar, though)
At RPGSuccubus's reccomendation, I'm going to make my item for June the
kazathri crackerKazathri Cracker
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 1400 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
DescriptionUsed almost exclusively during kazathri, the demon festival upon which one demon ascends into a higher rank of demonhood - Babau to Succubi, Succubus to Nabasu or even higher - the kazathri cracker is a tightly bound human entrail wrapped around a ball of nether-energy. When the ends are pulled as a standard action, the cracker bursts - filling a 30ft radius area around the user with swirling flames and crackling electricity. This burst does 5d10 fire damage and 5d10 electricity damage to all creatures in the burst - which demons typically find particularly enjoyable. Especially when mortals are around.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detonate; Cost 700 gpOkay. that's a little SIAC. I'll see if I can come up with a real item before the end of the month.
Dear Mr. RonarsCorruption,
Whilst you seem to have an amusing notion of the hierarchy of the ranks of demonkind I shan't stop by to lecture you on that here.Your concept is interesting and you do not quite seem to have quite grasped what kazathri implies, but I wish you good fortune in marketing your new festival. If you are able to confuse people (especially those wretched dwarves) and convince them that it is all about something else it will all be to the general good, I dare say.
Yours,
Ask A RPGSupersuccubus.
Well, my June item spent much more time in the other thread, but I thought I would post the rewrite here for your... amusement?
Spiritbone Corset
Aura strong enchantment and transmutation; CL 11th
Slot chest; Price 59,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
Black scales shimmer like silk on this corset while a dozen carved bones protrude from its top. Carvings of a human-faced snake with ruby eyes adorn each bone.
Once per day the wearer may activate the corset to squeeze, reshape, and alter his body into dozens of tiny human-headed snakes. The user gains a climb and swim speed 20’ and the compression special ability. The user’s gear is inaccessible at this time, but any effects already in place remain. Activating the corset is a standard action and lasts for 11 rounds. The user may cancel the effect as a standard action.
Additionally, the user may activate the corset to create a ruby glow from his eyes and gain a mesmerizing gaze attack which lasts for 2d6 rounds. Creatures within 30 feet looking at the wearer must make a Will save (DC 16) or fail to notice the wearer. These creatures ignore the wearer, acting as if he is not there until the gaze attack ends. The wearer may target a single creature with this gaze as a standard action. Attacking a mesmerized target grants it another save. Activating the gaze attack is a move action.
A succubus wearing the spiritbone corset gains the ability to target creature with a hypnotizing gaze attack. Failure of a Will save (DC 21) causes the creature to behave like a party favor, doorstop (ornamental or otherwise), chicken (or other harmless creature a humanoid may mimic while inebriated) any other inanimate so long as the succubus finds the behavior practical and not merely entertaining.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, mass suggestion, reduce person; succubial hypnotism, Cost 29,500 gp
Crackling Fan
Aura moderate evocation, faint transmutation; CL 11th
Slot --; Price 80,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DescriptionThe pattern of flames on this wide silk fan is constantly shifting, like an eternally burning flame was captured in fabric and thread. Three times per day, as a standard action, the wielder of this fan can send out a scorching burst of air in a 15ft cone, doing 4d6 fire and 4d6 subdual damage and knocking prone all targets in the cone. A DC 18 Fortitude save halves this damage and negates being knocked prone.
If the wielder of the fan continues to concentrate; the second round, a 10 ft. by 10 ft. area within the cone fills with a cloud of burning, choking smoke that blocks vision and does 3d6 fire damage to all creatures within. Each round the wielder continues to concentrate, they can move this cloud up to 15ft, doing 1d6 less damage each round - until the end of the fourth round the cloud disperses under it's own power. A strong wind can cause the cloud to disperse early, despite the concentration of the wielder.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, pyrotechnics, river of wind, sirocco; Cost 40,000 gp
This posts constitutes the views of a (very advanced) CE aligned succubus, and in the language of the Abyss ‘tact’ is the method by which a demonic temptress’ domestic staff affixed her latest trophy to the wall, ‘unfair’ is a common Abyssal abbreviation for ‘funfair’, and ‘diplomacy’ – like a good china tea-service – is something best kept locked away in a cabinet for special occasions.
Having made which quite clear, on to the next Disclaimer…
I’ve decided that it’s fashionable to be charitable this month: Is this (practise) item handy for patronising an azata with?
In theory, yes. This is very handy for patronising an azata of the lillend variety with.
Whilst some (uneducated) observers might like to speculate that if the item is itself fireproof, it might also make an appropriate gift to a brijidine, I would counter with the question of why would any succubus of less than distinctly eccentric tastes want to go anywhere near one of those bloodthirsty pyromaniacs?
Lillends aspire to be artistic (although obviously they're not as good as a succubus with the same aspirations) which means they ought to appreciate the workmanship (and other utility) of such a fan. They are also resistant to fire whilst not being immune to it, which allows a succubus to be smug in case any demonstrations go 'accidentally' wrong. (Some lillends can be such incredible airheads.)
On a practical note though, I do find myself having to ask (as would most succubi) is being fashionable by giving away one of these things really worth a 40,000 gold coins gift? At that price-tag, a piece of patronisation needs to be really worth it.
Other Comments?
Neat use of 'like an' instead of 'as if' to spread chaos and confusion.
Apparently the item merely functions by concentration and doesn't - for example - require vigorously waving up and down in any particular direction. In theory handy - especially if the direction can be controlled by mere thought power.
REWRITE
Toxin Trapper Bottle** spoiler omitted **
Sometimes the idiot opening a bottle of wine ends up pushing some or all of the cork into the bottle instead of pulling it out. Have you ever tried (without using magic) to get a sizeable piece of broken-off cork out of a wine-bottle without breaking the bottle? I assure you trying to get mushrooms of any size out of a potion bottle is going to be much more fiddly.
Also the redesigned bottle is useless for making mushroom soup with, and it's still unclear what effect it has on undead (especially zombies, which could be considered to be 'animated corpses').Ask A RPGSupersuccubus.
Marathon Voter Season 6
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Another variant on the poison bottle, for practice:
Venom Ampoule
Aura faint necromancy, transmutation; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 9,000 gp; Weight --
Description This small silver phial is formed in the shape of a tightly coiled viper. Each scale of the viper is intricately inscribed with a design of a venomous creature or toxic plant or fungus. The phial contains small samples of the venomous parts of various organisms preserved in embalming fluid. The viper's mouth has been shut, sealing the contents.
Once per day, the ampoule can be activated to become instantly chilled and to sweat a poison as condensation. A DC 20 Knowledge (Nature) check will allow the user to select any injury poison with a cost of 200 gp or below. If this check is not made or is failed, the phial sweats black adder venom.
The venom can be applied directly to a weapon as a standard action. Whether applied or not, the venom evaporates after 1d4 rounds.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, poison, chill metal; Cost 4500gp
Is it august already? Wow, time flies.
I should write up another item, or pick one of my less-favorites to put up here. But not today, I think. Returning from vacations always screw things up.
Is it august already? Wow, time flies.
I should write up another item, or pick one of my less-favorites to put up here. But not today, I think. Returning from vacations always screw things up.
Welcome back :)
Mountaineer’s Trailing Trowel
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot--; Price 3000 gp; Weight --
Description
Etched footprints line the triangular head of this metal trowel. The footprints shift about the surface when the trowel is tilted or shaken.
Smoothing footprints and other signs of passing with the trowel erases tracks for a distance of 30 feet. Each day 120 feet from up to three creature’s can be erased in this manner. Erased tracks do not need to be consecutive and each 30 foot increment requires a standard action.
As a full round action the user may wave the trowel and cause all erased tracks to reappear in any direction chosen by the user. The tracks start adjacent to the last non-erased tracks and conform to the new terrain becoming easier or harder to discern based on the new surfaces. This ability functions once per day. Erased tracks fade from the trowel if not used within the day.
The trowel can also reveal tracks on stone or stony ground. Twice per day the user may track over hard or firm ground while moving at his normal speed without suffering the -5 penalty to survival checks.
Construction
Requirements Craft wondrous item, pass without trace, stoneshape; Cost 1800 gp
Up until the ability for the trowel to reveal hidden tracks, it was a really neat item. Something I could see lots of groups buying and using.
Also, you should have listed a numerical penalty to tracking that the altered tracks give -5? -10? -5 and must reroll?
I think this is more interesting than you think, but there's still too many and unclear abilities.
Up until the ability for the trowel to reveal hidden tracks, it was a really neat item. Something I could see lots of groups buying and using.
Also, you should have listed a numerical penalty to tracking that the altered tracks give -5? -10? -5 and must reroll?
I think this is more interesting than you think, but there's still too many and unclear abilities.
Thanks. :)
Was the third ability too SAK? and not sure I understand your comment about the penalty...? Thanks again.
(writing is a little weak here, but the effect is good. Not quite superstar, though)Traitor's Shoes
I like the spots, and tying invis to an escape is a good plan. Dim door should put you out of most visible ranges though and cape of the montebank does something similar with smoke (my item for last year came to close to mimikcing the cape :) which is much cheaper.
I do like the escape from tricky situation though, so that is where I would focus. 'Tricky situations' might need to be defined. Basing it on an opponent's denied dexterity could be difficult to track (not too difficulut, and seems an odd time to leave when your opponent is at a disadvantage.) Also struggling with standard/swift compatability.
Traitor's implies something I think simply running away misses. That said, I like the name and blood spots in the description. Nice job.
Another variant on the poison bottle, for practice:
Venom Ampoule
Each scale of the viper is intricately inscribed with a design of a venomous creature or toxic plant or fungus.
I think I have seen one of these snake ampoules in an antique shop, so nice job on the image. :) I think this should be moderate not faint necromancy. Alphabetize the spells, but I do not think chill metal is necessary. The chilling seems mostly cosmetic to me, but maybe it is important that a poison 'condenses' and I am missing it. I do wonder how to get poison from the outside of the bottle onto my blade or arrow... *
Only seven poisons qualify on the PFRD, but leaving it 'any' is a good choice allowing for other sources. For 9000, I could buy 45+ poisons or 24 poison scrolls... pricing is a little steep, but accurate. Maybe it will be cheaper to drop the second spell?
The bold sentence is choppy and passive. I would drop 'venemous' or 'toxic' and an 'or'. Try switching 'is' with 'inscribed' (and 'are' with 'formed/shaped' in first sentence. :) to increase active voice.
These are nitpicks, overall I think this is a good design. Nice. :)
*
I assure you trying to get mushrooms of any size out of a potion bottle is going to be much more fiddly.
Arrgg! Curse you Captain RPG SuperObvious!!!
As a full round action the user may wave the trowel and cause all erased tracks to reappear in any direction chosen by the user. The tracks start adjacent to the last non-erased tracks and conform to the new terrain becoming easier or harder to discern based on the new surfaces. This ability functions once per day. Erased tracks fade from the trowel if not used within the day.
This should give a numerical advantage or penalty, right now it just gives a descriptive penalty.
As to the third ability, it's not that it's SAK, it's that it's... too much. Two abilities related to hiding tracks is great. One related to hiding tracks too? Feels too much like a 'do everything' item.
Marathon Voter Season 6
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Hello Curaigh,
I thought I would do a little Superstar warming up; I found this thread; I thought I would comment. :)
However, I'll try and be as hard-arsed as possible - so please excuse the bluntness. I'll also try and convey a few ideas rather than just being critical.
Mountaineer’s Trailing Trowel
Hmmm... This is not a name or item type that is going to make the judge's want to read this. If listed among 50 other items, you want your item to scream "READ ME!!!". As Mr Spicer and Mr Peterson said on the Superstar podcast from Paizocon, name is 60% what Superstar is about. I think part of the problem here is the "trowel". In terms of implements, it just does not grab me.
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
All correct.
Slot--; Price 3000 gp; Weight --
Just a small thing, note the difference between an en dash:
-and the em dash that is used in the slot and weight fields:
— (not --)
While this is a small thing, it is something that I have seen the judges comment upon here and there in regards to polish and attention to detail. It is not something that is going to make or break your item but I think it would be nice to be known as the "attention-to-detail" guy.
And the weight of the trowel should most likely be at least a pound.
Description
Etched footprints line the triangular head of this metal trowel. The footprints shift about the surface when the trowel is tilted or shaken.
In terms of passive voice, you have done a good job with the tricky first sentence of what an item is, but could liven up your verbs in the second sentence when describing what the item does.
In regards to the first sentence, it is easy to fall into the trap of:"This triangular-headed metal trowel IS etched by footprints..." and so I think you have neatly avoided this. However, the second sentence is a little flat and uninspiring. Remember this is Superstar and this is your main sentence to give your item some personality before you get into the specifics. Shifting, shaking and tilting are fairly weak actions. The repeating of "footprints" in both sentences could be more concisely stated. Perhaps:
"Etched footprints line the triangular head of this trowel, fluctuating across the dull metal surface when the holder clenches the handle."
Try to make your verbs as vigorous as you can and get rid of any passive clauses such as "when the trowel IS tilted or shaken". Always have the subject of the action in the sentence. In this case the holder but for other items, it might be the wearer, user, wielder or so on.
Smoothing footprints and other signs of passing with the trowel erases tracks for a distance of 30 feet. Each day 120 feet from up to three creature’s can be erased in this manner. Erased tracks do not need to be consecutive and each 30 foot increment requires a standard action.
Upon first blush, this effect feels limited - I mean 120 feet! Total!. Should tracks be measured in distance or possibly time? Checking Survival and the core rules shows that tracks are measured in units of 1 mile while the pass without trace spell deals with units of 1 hour. [I think using the 1 mile tracking thing might be best here.] My next question is why only three creatures when the average party has four characters (or five to be safe that the wondrous item is going to be useful enough). Again note the passive voice in this sentence because you have omitted the subject. This might be better as:
"As a standard action, activating the trowel smooths footprints and erases any other signs of passing for the last mile from a group of up to five creatures."
I think the other thing you could do here is make the item feel a little more magical and wondrous. How about if the trowel starts off dull but when activated as above, glows with the fluctuating footprints. And then when you use it as follows, the glowing footprints evanesce into nothing. This is the visual effect you have sort of gone for but have not clearly spelled out. You really want your description and your sentences to tell a story.
As a full round action the user may wave the trowel and cause all erased tracks to reappear in any direction chosen by the user. The tracks start adjacent to the last non-erased tracks and conform to the new terrain becoming easier or harder to discern based on the new surfaces.
Again, "waving" a wondrous item to activate it is not really Superstar. Thrusting the trowel deep into the ground, or forcing the footprints from the trowel with a crack of the wrist is more dynamic. I'm perhaps over-emphasizing this but I honestly believe good active prose encourages the judges to want to see more than 300 words of your writing.
So perhaps changing this to:
"As a full-round action the holder cracks their wrist forcing the footprints from the trowel. The tracks start adjacent to the last non-erased tracks leading in the chosen direction and away from the holder's current position."
This ability functions once per day. Erased tracks fade from the trowel if not used within the day.
Now this is where the mechanics start to break down. If you are storing tracks (which is pretty cool), what happens when you use the tracks later in the day? Do they join back to where they originated? What have you really gained by this that you have not already gained by having the tracks just disappear? I think it would be cooler if you could get the tracks to lead off from your current position while at the same time, if you smacked the trowel against the boots of the party, it prevented them from making tracks for the next mile. The problem is, this starts to confuse things with how the item worked originally.
Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but I think the core issue here is a little confusion over exactly what you are trying to get the trowel to do. What is the problem that the trowel is meant to help with? Exactly how does the trowel fix the problem? [And perhaps core to this item is: is the problem being fixed a "superstar" problem in the first place? If not, you better make sure you nail everything else in the submission and even then...]
Getting to this point, I think the clearest most functional way of solving the "we want to fool those tracking us" problem is:
- Tap the trowel to the feet of up to 5 creatures; they now have trackless step for a mile.
- Thrust the trowel into the ground to activate it choosing a direction.
- Have the party move off; their tracks now begin to appear in the chosen direction as they move off in their different direction.
- This effect lasts for one mile.
Or something like that. It is not until you begin to play with an item that you work out what some of the hidden issues might be.
The trowel can also reveal tracks on stone or stony ground. Twice per day the user may track over hard or firm ground while moving at his normal speed without suffering the -5 penalty to survival checks.
As you suspect, this is linked to the idea of tracking, but it is not linked to the primary functionality of the item: getting away from those tracking you. Far easier just to leave this off as it does not make the item any "cooler". It fails the swiss army knife test. If it was an additional effect that aided the primary function, then that might be better.
Construction
Requirements Craft wondrous item, pass without trace, stoneshape; Cost 1800 gp
Note here that each word of "Craft Wondrous Item" is capitalized. Stone shape is two words and is most likely not a good spell for this effect anyway; it is too powerful. The cost you have is not half of the price so that makes me wonder what's going on with your costing.
Looking at pass without trace, I think this should be enough if you are restricting it from 1 hour/level to just 1 mile. I mean hey, this is a wondrous item and you don't want it to just be a spell in a can. You can make it once per day but if you wanted a super cheap item that did it as a once-only effect, it might be a stronger item and priced right for 300 gp.
I hope this helps, if you could do a rewrite, I think this item might be pretty cool and if you nail your execution might make the keep folder to be sorted, if not quite the top 32.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
I've toyed with this idea over and over for some time now, and though I don't have all the formatting going on, that's not a weakness I need to really work on right now.
Hell, right now the weakness I need to work on is not having 28 hours in a day. ;)
Immovable Armguard
-magic item formatting, shush-
More than an inch of solid steel with only simple markings around its edges, the immovable armguard is just as difficult to put down as it is to pick up.
Normally, the armguard's heft grants the wearer +1 shield bonus to AC, but as an immediate action the wearer can activate its stored power; blocking any single melee attack with the armguard, as if it were an unbreakable obstacle. The wearer of the armguard must be aware of the attack to block it in this way.
This power requires 1d4+2 rounds to recharge, and during that time, the wearer loses any Shield and Dodge bonuses to AC they might have normally had, as the armguard moves slowly in any situation.
-magic item formatting, shush-
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Marathon Voter Season 6
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Immovable Armguard
-magic item formatting, shush-
More than an inch of solid steel with only simple markings around its edges, the immovable armguard is just as difficult to put down as it is to pick up.Normally, the armguard's heft grants the wearer +1 shield bonus to AC, but as an immediate action the wearer can activate its stored power; blocking any single melee attack with the armguard, as if it were an unbreakable obstacle. The wearer of the armguard must be aware of the attack to block it in this way.
This power requires 1d4+2 rounds to recharge, and during that time, the wearer loses any Shield and Dodge bonuses to AC they might have normally had, as the armguard moves slowly in any situation.
-magic item formatting, shush-
Sometimes it can be interesting to play the "What-would-Clark-say-about-my-item-game." However other times, playing that game would be too demotivating; and I think this may be one of those times. So let's imagine what the gentler Mr Spicer would say instead:
- The name is unspectacular but it does convey what the item is.
- Description is wishy-washy, it is visually static and for some unexplained reason the item is difficult to put down.
- No matter how hard I squint, this item just comes off as a shield variant. It does not give the feel of a wondrous item.
- The block any single melee attack ability regardless of anything is too powerful. That it recharges every 1d4+2 rounds is a pain to keep track of and the "restriction" is too easily offset by being a heavily armored, two-handed weapon wielder.
- The writer needs to learn how to make their verbs work for them. Too much passive voice.
While I can understand not wanting to fart around with the formatting, I think as a designer you should always have to deal with how the item works in terms of spells that would need to go into it. Pricing an item is always something worth practicing too.
While there is an awful lot of fixing to do, it is most likely a productive exercise. Some things to think about in terms of a re-write:
- An inch thick bracer is... a little uninspiring. What item could you reasonably use that is far more "wondrous"? Perhaps it is something normally meek that when activated becomes something monstrous to behold?
- The item needs to visually do something when it is activated. We need color [it feels so strange writing that word without a "u" but I need to train myself in such things ;) ]. We need motion. We need change. If you can embody those things into the item to liven it up and make it feel like magic rather than a solid block of metal, your writing will start convincing the judges that you may just be Superstar material after all.
- The main power is too black and white. It works. And in a short random period of time... it will work perfectly again. Perhaps if you can scour through Ultimate Combat, you can get some ideas that riff off of some of the new mechanics and abilities? New material is always inspiring to read.
- Static numerical abilities for example: "+1 shield bonus" are boring. While handy in an eventual write-up, as a vehicle for showing the judges that you are Superstar material, such things just become filler. For the Superstar contest, rather than for a magic item book or article, always have your item do interesting things... and only interesting things.
So yeah; sorry to give it to you. However I hope I've been able to give you a couple of ideas for a rewrite.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
I knew the wrapper was pretty weak. I mean, it's just a magic bracer. I've got way too much stuff going on right now for me to put more than a passing effort into it. Next month, when I'm not sick, I'll put a heavier effort into the whole thing. I've still got a few ideas scratched down.
Traitor's Shoes
Aura moderate conjuration, illusion; CL 7th
Slot feet; Price 25,000gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These supple leather shoes are dotted by almost-brown spots, as if they had been spattered with blood some time ago. Once per day, the wearer of these shoes can activate them to escape from a tricky situation. These shoes can be activated either as a standard action, or as a swift action immediately following an attack on an opponent who was denied their Dexterity bonus to the wearers attack.When activated, these shoes allow the wearer to teleport, as dimension door, to any location within 500 ft. Doing so also causes the wearer to become invisible for 7 minutes to facilitate an easy escape.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door, greater invisibility; Cost 12,500gp
This posts constitutes the views of a (very advanced) CE aligned succubus, and in the language of the Abyss ‘tact’ is the method by which a demonic temptress’ domestic staff affixed her latest trophy to the wall, ‘unfair’ is a common Abyssal abbreviation for ‘funfair’, and ‘diplomacy’ – like a good china tea-service – is something best kept locked away in a cabinet for special occasions.
Having made which quite clear, on to the next Disclaimer…
It’s a long, lazy, summer, and I’ve decided that it’s fashionable to be charitable for a further month: Is this (practise) item handy for patronising an azata with?
By the Wand of Orcus, no. Nice, new, shoes are all very well, but, slightly soiled, second (or more) hand ones apparently previously owned by bloodthirsty cut-throats or assasins???
Besides some azata are going to have trouble wearing them:
Scene:
Priestess of Calistria: Greetings, most noble celestial! My mistress has sent me with a gift for you... (Trails off, looking at the azata.)
Lillend: Yes? What is it that you have in that box?
Priestess: Uhh, you have a tail...
Lillend: Why, how remarkably observant of you.
Priestess: Uhh... And no legs, or feet.
Lillend: (Starting to get frosty - note that by this point someone with a much lower tolerance for fools might have started to get violent, either physically or magically.) And again, your perspicacity is truly astonishing.
Priestess: Oh, ah, this is my lunch in this box. Umm, no, it's something for a homeless guy, yes. Charity work. Oh, look, I'm afraid there's been a mistake here, and I think I left your gift at home... (Makes hasty escape.)
Or:
Scene:
Priest/Bard of Cayden Cailean: Greetings, most noble celestial! I have a gift for you... (Trails off, looking at the azata.)
Brijidine: Yes?
Priest/Bard: (Makes rapid appraisal of azata's body temperature, and executes speedy calculation regarding how fast a pair of leather shoes are going to burst into flame. Discards box) Ah. I have composed a little ode, in honour of your tremendous beauty...
Other Comments?
Whilst the material that they're fashioned from is roughly described as 'leather' (although that could cover a whole range of sins, as they say, ranging from bovine skin to gold dragon hide) it's unclear what colour the shoes are (besides the 'spots' on them). Indeed the specification that these shoes have those spots on them suggests to me that they are a specific unique item, unless a manufacturing process exists (likely partially necromantic) requiring the ritual sprinkling of blood upon the item being created.
At any rate, the shoes have very limited appeal to a succubus, the ability to dimension door (presumably restricted only to the wearer of the shoes) being a moot point to one able to teleport, and the attached ability to go invisible for an accompanying limited period being of debateable utility to one not much given to hanging around for combats and with an option to go ethereal. Besides which, most importantly, nothing in the description of this item indicates that these shoes are likely to compliment a succubus' natural good looks.
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Marathon Voter Season 6
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Boom Shrooms
Unfortunately, when I read this name, I thought this was a joke item. Reading on, I don't think it is (but correct me if I'm wrong). As such, in practicing for RPG Superstar, I will offer some comment and review.
SKR makes specific mention in a recent seminar about not deliberately spelling names of standard items in unusual ways to garner attention. I think the abbreviation here for rhyming and single syllable emphasis falls into the same category. There is a fine line between a Flask of Five Fifths and Boom Shrooms and unfortunately I think you are on the wrong side. The important thing is to keep what the item is in the title; Bag of Explodable Fungus perhaps?This raises a further issue: is it the bag or the fungus that is magical? I think it is the former so "Bag" should certainly be in your item name.
Aura: Moderate Evocation, Abjuration; CL: 9th
Since you have no item creation guidelines or spells, this is really hard to judge. Seems quite high for the effect.
Slot: None; Price: 8,000gp; Weight: 1 lb
You don't write none, you use an em dash with a space before it:
Slot: —Price and weight seem OKish.
Description:
Commonly contained in a rotted, cloth bag, boom shrooms have an earthy smell to them and appear to be shriveled fungus.
You need to italicize boom shrooms although you have correctly non-capitalized it. However, the bigger problem is your description. "Have" and "appear to be" are not strong verbs and you really want strong verbs to add punch to your description - particularly when introducing the item you hope pulls you into the top 32 and RPG Superstar limelight. Dress your item down by all means, not everything needs to be made of brightest mithral, but please give me something I can truly imagine using several senses.
Changing the order of this into two sentences focusing on the subject of each sentence:
Commonly contained in a rotted, cloth bag, boom shrooms have an earthy smell to them and appear to be shriveled fungus.
to
Shriveled fungus spores stain the rotting interior of this threadbare cloth bag. This mottled brown fungus reeks of freshly crushed earth and the dank tang of decay.
By putting the subject at the start of your sentence, you force yourself to then go and actively describe it. Focus on using strong connotative verbs such as stain and reek over "have" and "appear to be". This first section of describing the item needs to impress otherwise the judges simply won't bother to read further.
The bag contains enough fungus for 10 uses.
The next problem is double spaces before each sentence. This is not done in any Pathfinder product and so it's a habit I have previously seen Neil telling others to get out of the habit of.
And then there is the 10 uses thing. This is OK if that is all it has. However because you relate that the bag resupplies itself, I would restrict this to three or possibly even just a single portion. If three, then you could have a function in here where you can use one use, or you can use all three uses at once for a special effect. I would increase the possible area of effect rather than increase the number of uses.
A use may be spread upon a 10ft x 10ft area. One full round action is required to spread each use. The fungus cannot be thrown.
Why not? What happens if you try to?
If the area upon which the fungus is spread is unworked earth or stone, the fungus will become nearly impossible to see (DC 34 to spot).
You don't say DC 34 to spot even if the check you are requiring here is obvious; you would use "requiring a DC 34 Perception check". This DC seems highly arbitrary and overly high, particularly when the effect is so mild: 2d4 damage plus faerie fire.
Any trespasser who moves upon the ground into an area covered with boom shrooms risks (Reflex 24 if detected, Reflex 34 if not detected) causing the fungus to loudly detonate inflicting 2d4 points of damage to the trespasser and covering the trespassser in a faerie fire effect for 5 rounds.
A few issues here.
"Moves upon the ground" is not gaming terminology and so is not ideal in presenting watertight mechanics. Steps inside the covered area might be better but even then, that is not that good. I am trying to think of any items with a similar activation but none are springing to mind.You need to italicize faerie fire and this effect should last for a similar time to the spell (1 minute per level, or 1 round per caster level of the item if you want to change it down). 5 rounds is in the middle of nowhere.
The other issue is the varied reflex save depending upon if it is seen. Surely if I see this stuff, but continue to walk into the affected area, my chances of avoiding it do not improve. And again a DC 24 save going to a DC 34 save for something that is so minor is way out of whack and signals to the judges that balancing mechanics is not your strong suit (and after name and concept, mechanical nous is what they are looking for). Either reduce the DC to match the 2d4 damage or increase the damage to match the DC (I would definitely not be trying to match damage to a DC 34 effect though). ;)
The explosion is equivalent in loudness to a lion's roar.
Either the loudness is going to have a sonic effect or it is most probably best weaving this description back into the previous section:
"The fungus explodes with a cacophonous boom when any creature of Tiny size or larger steps within the covered area, activating the fungus."Again note that "fungus" is the subject of the sentence and so it is easier to provide a vigorous verb describing the action.
Also note the greater focus on mechanically describing what activates the fungus. Otherwise, you leave it way too open as to whether the explodable fungus actually explodes and you don't want DM adjudication to play a part in your item.
Once removed from the bag, the boom shrooms' magic remains active for 8 hours.
Well done, this restriction is easily left out accidentally. You really need to cover all the bases in making the mechanics as tight as possible.
If empty, the bag will magically create more boom shrooms every 24 hours.
How many more? You need to describe in uses how much is created. Referring to previous, I think it easier just to have this 3 times a day, one big use for a bonus effect, and completely refreshes every day.
Hope this helps and sorry if it appears I'm being too critical or serious with this idea.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
I feel like I missed someone, but cannae see it if I did. (let me know if I skipped your item.
Immovable Armguard
I agree with Herremann on the active voice, and as practice goes formatting and pricing could use the most imho. They are simple enough to be ignored and many of your non-gaming readers will not recognize a mistake anyway :)
I think this is a shield and a broken one at that. However I like it at the core. I am thinking a cyclopic ability in reverse. Once per day someone's roll targeting the arm guard's wearer can automatically be changed to a natural 1. Oooh! You can even have it be an eyeball bracelet watching all your opponent's every move. :) I would call it the cyclopian eye band *grin* Maybe I am too far from your idea, but if you had spells I could compare them to I could give you better feedback.Again a nice starting point for my imagination to take off with :)
Boom Shrooms
Welcome Lilith :)
Again not much to comment on that Herremann the wise did not cover. (Formatting, active voice, and the 8 uses that refill. Uses per day can cut the cost down. Since this item will probably mostly see use at rest/camp once per day is enough. Your 8 uses is good for the shape of the effect, hopefully I am not confusing the two. Single use items are even less expensive, and I would lean that way as making adventuring safe is not a strong choice.@ #7 above: Note that creatures have a move speed, whether it be tentacle, belly, body, feet or claws. I think Herremann's suggestion is valid (and wise :)
@ #2 above: put the primary function right after the description, then the secondary, then the tertiary etc. (per the paizocon superstar panel which you can listen to as a podcast if you want. :)
I do like spreading the area with mushrooms that boom, screech, and glow. It harkens back to my violet-fungus-hiding-in-screacher-patches days.
I look forward to the rewrite. Nice Job. :)
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Marathon Voter Season 6
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And as Herremann can point out, I have not figured how to make the em dash in word, stay an em-dash in paizo. :)
I've noticed that too. I have no idea what the unicode thing is for an em dash, but I have found opening my Core Rules pdf and copy and pasting an em dash from an appropriate item seems to work. Alternatively, copy and past this:
Slot: —
It is such a small thing but I have seen it repeatedly noted by the judges in successful submissions. I think it an extra string to the bow if you pay attention to such details. It's not going to get you into the top 32 but it will be noted if you get there.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
I'm very grateful for the advice given. Now, let's see how well the advice was received.
With some time to kill at the office, I thought I'd join the fray...
Sack of Exploding Fungus
Hmmm...an odd enough name that I'd be interested in reading further. Not sure it's Superstar. But a different enough item idea to stand out at least. Couple that with an awesome effect...and, maybe you'd have our attention.
Aura Moderate Evocation, Abjuration; CL 9th
Lowercase "Moderate Evocation, Abjuration"...and put an "and" in between them rather than a comma.
Why CL 9th? You've got spike growth and faerie fire in the spell requirements. A 5th level druid could muster those spells. Why require almost double that in terms of your caster level for the item's creation? Too high, I think.
Slot--; Price 8000gp; Weight 1lb.
Stylistic issues here. I'm okay with the "double" dashes to signify an em-dash. That's what you'd do in an actual word processor, so I know what you intended.
Price needs a comma and a space between the numerical value and "gp"...so it should be "8,000 gp"...
Similar deal with your weight. Put a space between the number and "lb." so it reads "1 lb."
Description:
Shrivelled fungus spores stain the rotting interior of this threadbare cloth bag. This mottled brown fungus reeks of freshly crushed earth and the dank tang of decay.
Herreman was wise indeed. Fantastic lead-off with the descriptive language that fully explains what the item is...however, "shrivelled" should only have one "l"...so it should be "shriveled"...
The user can withdraw up to 9 handfuls of this fungus per day and spread each handful across an area of ground up to 20ft x 20ft in size. Spreading the fugus requires one full round action for each 10ft x 10ft area covered. Due to it's light weight, the fungus cannot be thrown more than 5ft.
Again, put a space between numerical values and abbreviated terms like "ft."...also, make sure you put a "." after the abbreviation. And, if you referring to an area where "ft." is signifying "foot" rather than "feet", make sure you put a hyphen in there, too.
Thus, it should be "20-ft. x 20-ft."..."10-ft. x 10-ft."...and "5 ft."
Also, you've misspelled "fungus" as "fugus" in there. A spellchecker should have caught that for you. And, a "full-round action" needs a hyphen to make sure it's in synch with the actual game text.
In terms of your early description of what this item is capable of, I'm a bit worried when I see 9 uses per day get referenced. That's a lot more than your standard wondrous item. You might be overreaching a bit. At the very least, it gives me pause as to whether you'd be an intelligent wondrous item designer or more of a gonzo wondrous item designer. No points marked off or anything. Just gives me a pause when I hit that.
An area upon which the fungus has been spread is detectable as a trap with a DC 30 Perception skill check (if the fungus has been spread upon natural earth or stone) or DC 25 Perception skill check (if the fungus is spread anywhere else).
Seems kind of odd to call out the difference here. Thematically, I understand why you're saying that. But, fungus grows on wood, too. Also food products. And bio products. Doesn't have to be earth or stone. And, honestly, what other surface would you be applying it to if you're putting it on the ground/floor? Okay, so it wouldn't make sense to see it on top of snow or water or lava, I guess...
Regardless, I think you'd be better served to just say it's "magical" fungus that camouflages itself no matter what it's spread upon and give it a single Perception DC to notice. That saves you words and keeps the item's design that much tighter.
Any creature of at least tiny size who moves by foot into an area in which the fungus has been spread must make a DC 24 Reflex save for each 5ft of treated area the character moves through.
You need to capitalize creature sizes...so it should be "Tiny size"...
Again, change "5ft" to "5 ft."...
If you modify the availability of this item (and its construction requirements) to make it a lower level item, you'd want to adjust the DC 24 Reflex save downward. If this is simulating spike growth, the typical DC for that would be as if a 5th level caster had generated the effect. So, 10 + spell level + the minimum Wis modifier necessary for a druid to have access to 3rd level spells is...10 + 3 + 1 (for a 13 Wisdom's modifier) = DC 14. Big disparity between that and DC 24.
That said, given the choices you've made with it being a CL 9th item with an 8,000 gp price tag, it's not a low level wondrous item (at least, not as low as I might otherwise expect it to be). So, having a somewhat higher DC could be justified. Just not 10 points higher for what this thing is emulating.
Succeeding at a saving throw does not enable the creature to detect the fungus. If the creature fails its save, the fungus in it's square detonates.
You've used an "it's" when it should be an "its" in that last statement...which is all the more perplexing, because you used it correctly in the very same sentence at the beginning.
The cacaphanous explosion gives off a deafening boom comparable to a field cannon.
Does the Pathfinder RPG have field cannons? How loud is that exactly? The description for the ghost sound spell might give you some ideas on how to explain (in game terminology) the equivalent volume of sound for your "boom shrooms"...or, perhaps more appropriately, you could borrow from the descriptive text for the shrieker as compared to the Perception skill for hearing certain sounds that diminish depending on how far away creatures might be from the detonation point.
For nine rounds after detonating the fungus, the character is covered in a Faerie Fire effect. In addition, the character takes 2d4 points of fire damage.
The fire damage element is a bit unusual here. After all, faerie fire doesn't actually burn anyone. And spike growth doesn't mess with fire effects at all, either. So, you might have been well served to throw in produce flame in your construction requirements.
Also, you shouldn't capitalize spell names. It should be faerie fire.
Fungus will lose it's enchantement 8 hours after removed from the sack. Each day, the Sack will restore any spent handfuls to the Sack.
Not sure why you're capitalizing "Sack" here. If you're trying to refer to your actual item, you should call it by its actual name and then lowercase and italicize it.
You also misspelled "enchantment" as "enchantement"...and leading off your sentence with "Fungus will lose it's enchantement..." is kind of odd. Just say, "The fungus loses its enchantment..."
Lastly, seeing that the sack replenishes 9 uses per day is a bit much. I'd recommend making enough to "seed" or block off a hallway, not cover an entire room. Then, the replenishing thing would be easier to swallow.
Construction: Craft Wondrous Item, Spike Growth, Faerie Fire; Cost: 4000gp
Problems in presentation here, as well. Beyond the cost, which should be "4,000 gp"...you also need to lowercase, italicize, and alphabetize your spell listing. And, you can drop the ":" on your boldface tags. They aren't needed, since the boldface word already sets it off from the text that follows. So, your construction requirements should read like this...
Construction Craft Wondrous Item, faerie fire, spike growth; Cost 4,000 gp
Okay, so...if I step back and assess your item beyond all those small, nitpicky things, I'm also left feeling this item treading a close line on being a Spell-in-a-Can. It's a bit more innovative than a straight up spike growth, but even then, it comes across a bit like just a fantasy version of an incendiary landmine. When compared to other items that would likely be submitted for RPG Superstar, the judges might hesitate on keeping this one around, because...although it could be useful in the game (or even make a book of magic items)...it might not have enough mojo going for it to make it through to the Top 32. It's a decent conceptual idea for working through here in the forums as an exercise. Just less likely to be seen as Superstar-caliber from the get-go.
My two-cents,
--Neil
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Marathon Voter Season 6
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Thank you Neil for popping your head in to this thread and giving such thorough analysis; you are incredibly generous with both your time and knowledge.
When compared to other items that would likely be submitted for RPG Superstar, the judges might hesitate on keeping this one around, because...although it could be useful in the game (or even make a book of magic items)...it might not have enough mojo going for it to make it through to the Top 32. It's a decent conceptual idea for working through here in the forums as an exercise. Just less likely to be seen as Superstar-caliber from the get-go.
The question becomes is it possible to take a solid but lackluster item and give it a heavy dose of mojo to liven it up? How do you do that? If it was that easy then everybody would be doing it, right?
I think there are a handful of things you can do with your item to turn the mojo volume up but firstly, I think you need to look at what is limiting or holding it back. As Neil points out, it borders on spell in a can syndrome but if you go through SKR's auto-reject advice columns it also sails close to the wind on the "Item makes adventuring safe" and "Item is modern technology presented as magic". These last two in particular are mojo killers.
Campsite items really struggle and if one of the primary effects of your item is to make camping safer, it is going to get a big fail from the judges unless it does it in a truly wondrous way. The landmine nature of the item translated to the fantasy world is not necessarily a bad thing but in terms of mojo, it's simply not that great either. The other issue is that the effect is pretty much spike stones with faerie fire thrown in (which is cool combining the two) but in essence, there is not much else going on. And it is that "something else going on" where the mojo sits.
Imagine if rather than exploding fungus, a giant carnivorous plant explosively surged out of the ground when set off, potentially trapping a flying creature within a 30-foot cube? Or perhaps you have seeds disguised as fungus that you can throw, even at the ceiling, producing a similar plant surging out of the natural rock? The aim becomes to trap a creature rather than to make adventuring safe. The other thing is that there is a natural restriction - when it traps a creature, it cannot trap another, giving a measure of *depth to the mechanic. Perhaps if any fire damage is done to the mouth/head of the plant it explodes dealing significant damage while ending the effect.
It is starting to venture towards being a portable monster now which is not that great, however if you can imbue the appearance of life into your item, you make it feel magical rather than it just being magical through mechanics alone. If you can make your item appear as if it has some measure of sentience, even though it doesn't then you are giving your item character and a psuedo-personality. If your item reacts in wondrous ways when it is activated or responds to specific stimuli then it also gives the item a measure of depth.
I think perhaps one of the best ways of achieving (or retaining) this mojo is starting with the effect first in all it's dynamic color, and then go looking for a spell that is related to it, to round off the mechanics. If you start with the spell first, or rely too much on the spell for what the item does, then you make it harder to produce an item with the mojo required. While I'm thinking out loud, hopefully there's something in it that crafts a flame of inspiration for you.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
*{The Tankard of the Cheerful Duelist is a great example of restriction of the mechanic providing depth. Carried it has a standard effect bu when the character invests in holding it in their off hand it has a greater effect.}
Thank you Neil for popping your head in to this thread and giving such thorough analysis; you are incredibly generous with both your time and knowledge.
+1 :)
Lillith, I could not add anything Neil did not cover (that is why he is superstar :) so please forgive me for not giving a second critique. :)
Thanks for the feedback guys. I've had a heck of a busy last few months, it's good to see this thread picking back up again.
I've got another item for you guys, based on something one of my players dreamed up last week during Kingmaker.
Boots of Deep Impression
Aura faint conjuration and transmutation; CL 4th
Slot feet; Price 3,500 gp; Weight 6 lbs
Description
With soles of steel and bands of black iron around the ankles, these heavy boots leave deep prints even in packed soil. However, the boots of deep impression are hardly intended for walking in, and instead are designed for close-quarters combat. Once per day, the wearer of these boots can stop their feet on the ground, creating a 15-ft.-by-15-ft. pit beneath themselves, sending them and those beside them down the 20 ft. deep shaft, similar to a pit created by create pit.
While the wearer of the boots takes no damage from the drop, as the pit forms beneath their feet, those in adjacent squares must make a DC 13 reflex save to avoid falling in was well. The pit persists for up to five rounds, or until the wearer of the boots dismisses it.
Construction
requirements Craft Wondrous Item, create pit, feather fall; Cost: 1,750 gp
here's my third attempt
It's an interesting effect now, but you've gone a little too far in your edits and not noticed something very important: your sack of exploding fungus now doesn't do anything close to explode any more.
Next... Oh, I was going to comment on the 9 uses per day thing. I see you've fixed that, and introduced a new typo. I think you meant to say "Each day if the sack has less than 9 handfuls of fungus...". Still, that's a decent limiter.
Then, there's a question of duration. You say fungus loses it's effect after 8 hours of being taken from the bag. Does that include fungus that's been spread? How about the 1d3 day fungal infection effect? Does that count? I think you need to clairify that in some way.
Finally, I think you need to fix your rules for noticing the fungus. As it is, you cannot notice the fungus until you take at least a few levels in rogue. As written, that even includes after you've stepped on it. You're also asking the player to make a reflex save to prevent something from becoming aware of him. It doesn't work that way; Reflex saves are to avoid things you are aware of that you only have an instant to process. An arrow, a spell, or a trap door. Not to avoid stepping on an, effectively, invisible fungus.
Perhaps, if you made it so that you made the Perception right before you stepped into the square to notice it - but it otherwise functions as a trap, requiring trapfinding (which shouldn't be italicized) to uncover.
I know this is off topic as the lower nine, but I look forward to the event this year. I have practiced and feel good about December and doesn't look like I was the only one lol.
I know this is off topic as the lower nine, but I look forward to the event this year. I have practiced and feel good about December and doesn't look like I was the only one lol.
It was in late October when the auto advice started, which is not too far away. Even though we have almost four months before the contest (presumably) closes. :)
Join us! Even if you have an item finished. Submit something else and see if any of the critiques from it will help your top 32 item :).
I don't know if this has too much mojo, but here's my third attempt
Sack of Exploding Fungus
I dinnae know if you can have TOO much mojo :)
Much improved. the grammar is more precise and the images are solid*. Too many adjectives*, imho but that is up to you. :) Does a medium snake not set off the mushrooms?
This borders on monster-in-a box, but unlike any PF monster I have found. Yellow mold is probably the closest (a hazard) and yours is different enough to be fine. You may want to look to it for help with wording though.
I think having both save and perception bogs down the mechanics.* Which is important because you are well over 350 words. simplifying mechanics will help narrow this down. * is to indicate places you can look to get under wordcount.
Writhing fungus... Nice job :)
Boots of Deep Impression
...
With soles of steel and bands of black iron around the ankles, these heavy boots leave deep prints even in packed soil. However, ...
Congratulations Ronars, this is the best I have seen you use the active voice. Evocative imagery included as well. Nice job. :)
'However' seems more prose and less design, I think you can leave out that sentence. Likewise the first sentence of paragraph 2 is weak. It indicates the user does not create a pit beneath himself* as stated above. I like the 'riding the floor down' ,nice image and an effective ability. Imho, because of this feather fall is not needed. (and I dinnae think you need to say "as a pit created by..." Would a falling character provoke an attack of opportunity? Can the wearer climb out of the pit? All in all a nice job for this spell.*It will take me a while to find this in one of the other comment threads but I think you should choose a gender and stay with it. If an item is obviously for one of the archetypes, use their gender. Them is weaker than him or her. The practice is paying off, nice job. :)
Another variant on the poison bottle, for practice:
Venom Ampoule
Aura faint necromancy, transmutation; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 9,000 gp; Weight --
Description This small silver phial is formed in the shape of a tightly coiled viper. Each scale of the viper is intricately inscribed with a design of a venomous creature or toxic plant or fungus. The phial contains small samples of the venomous parts of various organisms preserved in embalming fluid. The viper's mouth has been shut, sealing the contents.Once per day, the ampoule can be activated to become instantly chilled and to sweat a poison as condensation. A DC 20 Knowledge (Nature) check will allow the user to select any injury poison with a cost of 200 gp or below. If this check is not made or is failed, the phial sweats black adder venom.
The venom can be applied directly to a weapon as a standard action. Whether applied or not, the venom evaporates after 1d4 rounds.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, poison, chill metal; Cost 4500gp
This posts constitutes the views of a (very advanced) CE aligned succubus, and in the language of the Abyss ‘tact’ is the method by which a demonic temptress’ domestic staff affixed her latest trophy to the wall, ‘unfair’ is a common Abyssal abbreviation for ‘funfair’, and ‘diplomacy’ – like a good china tea-service – is something best kept locked away in a cabinet for special occasions.
Having made which quite clear, on to the next Disclaimer…
It’s a long, lazy, summer, and I’ve decided that it’s fashionable to be charitable for a further month: Is this (practise) item handy for patronising an azata with?
Depends if he/she/it has a 'thing' for poisoned weapons or not. Some azata go in for that type of thing, figuring poison on blades makes sense as a way to keep damage down and get a scrap over more quickly.
Where this item does have an advantage, of course, is that if an azata proves tricky, fickle, or in any other way pleasantly double-dealing it calls for some ingenuity for that azata to use it directly against a succubus who gave it to him/her/it. Although (outside a succubus context) being fashioned of silver at least some of the time, I suppose in a pinch an exceptionally desperate azata could attempt to use one to poke a werewolf's eye out with.
Other Comments?
It changes shape and the material it's fashioned from. In some moments it's a small silver viper shaped phial. In others it's a bulbous (probably glass) ampoule.
It's also apparently made by shrunk slave labour (possibly leprechauns) given that in the phial form it apparently takes the shape of a coiled viper (so small that the weight is practically negligible) and that each scale on that viper (and those things are already starting out pretty tiny) is inscribed with an intricate design.
Are you sure it retails at only 9,000 gold? Given the sheer amount of craftsmanship involved in making one before it's imbued with any kind of magical function, I'd have expected a much higher price tag. Then again, if you have enslaved permanently tiny craftsmen operating under magical duress in a hedged prison somewhere...
REWRITE
Shoanti Trowel of the Shifting Trail
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot --; Price 3000 gp; Weight --
Description
Etched footprints slide along the triangular head of this trowel. The trowel reshapes the ground into a silvery, sandcastle-map of the local geography. Up to five creatures may move through this sand-map, coating their feet with the sand. A flash of silver erases signs of the creature’s passing for the next mile. These footprints appear in the sand-map area with a flash.
A full round action creates the sand-map from a 10-ft. x 10-ft. area of unworked ground once per day. The sand dissipates in 1d4 rounds, though footprints continue to appear. The user may trace a false trail into the sand-map to activate the trowel’s second ability (a standard action). Erased footprints appear along the trail indicated by the sand-map instead.
Severe terrain discrepancies between the actual and false trails may be obvious to a skilled tracker. Differences such as hard stone to firm ground (see page 13X) grant a +5 circumstance bonus to notice the trail is false (though not where the correct trail might be).
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, pass without trace, stoneshape; Cost 1500 gp
...Corset...
What?
...Corset...
...succubus...
What? What?????
<paraphrase> Yep, I put a succubus in a corset - an item of apparel which encapsulates (and in two of the cases literally is) 'prudish', 'up tight', and 'strait-laced' </paraphrase>
You, sirrah, are a MONSTER!!!!!
Harrumphhh.<ominous silence>
You, sirrah, are a MONSTER!!!!!
Harrumphhh.
<ominous silence>
Contributor
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Boxhead
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Meant to post this earlier, but check me out in Wayfinder 5.
I have a handful of magic scarves. Please peruse at your leasure. I think this one is the best of the lot:
Scarf, Shinglewalker’s
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot —; Price 1,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This long scarf sports a simple orange diamond pattern along
its length. When a command word is spoken, it stretches
to form a rigid surface 10 feet long by 1 foot wide, which
can support up to 1,000 pounds. With a simple snap of the
fingers (a swift action) it returns to its cloth-like state. In
its rigid form, the scarf has a hardness of 5, 10 hp and a
break DC of 13. The utilitarian nature of the scarf provides
a +2 circumstance bonus in Chases (see Pathfinder®
Roleplaying Game: GameMastery Guide™).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects
or animate rope; Cost 750 gp
@voidcloak - An interesting item. Mostly. Though, you have a few problems with the actual structure of your writing.
Firstly, your descriptive text fills fully half your item. Normally, it should be only one to two sentences, and maybe a quarter of the item's description itself. Combine this with the mechanical half of your writeup feeling like a laundry-list of (admittedly well-related) effects it doesn't feel like you tied your writing to your mechanics very well at all.
I'd recommend condensing almost the entire first paragraph into one sentence, saving the last, excellent, sentence for a bridge between description and effects. And avoid using words like 'susurrus' Google can find it, sure, but if it's obscure enough that an average spellchecker doesn't know it, it's probably going to confuse most readers.
You also need to work on marrying your writing to your rules a little better. As it stands, the only power the item has that isn't clarified in brackets is the save you need to make to use it. For instance, instead of "It provides its user with knowledge of the planes (Knowledge (planes) +10) and the languages spoken on them (Linguistics (only regarding outsider languages) +10)", you should write "It provides its user with knowledge of the planes and the languages spoken on them, granting a +1 bonus on Knowledge (planes) and Linguistics (only regarding outsider languages."
@shinglewalker's scarf - the scarf is a little bit plain to be superstar. I think you need to add some pizzaz to it, perhaps by jazzing up it's ability to become a... 10x1 board? That appears, possibly, in the wearer's hands?
Asides from this being a little bit of a dull power, you've also introduced a problem with the chase rules. Using a command word item is normally a standard action. Passing a check in a chase is also a standard action. Therefore, by granting the wearer a bonus to chases while using this is basically giving them a second standard action during chases. And, a +2 bonus during all chase rolls is a little broad - what if the roll options were 'crash through the wall (strength DC 20)' or 'dive aside at the last moment (reflex DC 20)' I fail to see how a 10x1 board would help at all in either case.
Closer, but I think you overcorrected on the descriptive text just a little. One to two sentances is a guideline, not a hard rule. Sometimes you need three, or if they're short, four. Your previous iteration was a wall of description, this one doesn't have a physical description at all. And the physical description is probably the most important part of the item's description.
And on the powers side, you still need to explain it a little better within the context of the magic item. "The whispers of the voidcloak show the wearer..." for instance, instead of just starting into it's magic abilities.
And again with the brackets. I don't think I've ever seen a magic item with powers listed in brackets - those need to be sorted into proper sentences. And you need to clairify what caster level the spells are at (presumably the item's CL, but...) and if they're cast as spells, or spell-like abilities, and if they're spell-like abilities what the DCs are...
Another thing I noticed this time around, your spell requirements should be lowercase and italic, not uppercase - that's reserved for feats and skills.
Voidcloak
'tis better Lillith. I think your text in how the cloak takes over the wearer, might be enough to compensate for lack of a physical description as it is good, but a concrete image would go a long way. That said you may spend too much time on the actions of the cloak and not its abilities. The actions are important, but a cloak which consumes its user in shadows will lose out to one that grants a dimensional anchor twice a week (or whenever). As written an emphasis is placed on 'putting on the cloak' rather than 'perform the magic' of. Compare line
When a person picks up the cloak as if to wear it, it predatorily latches upon him and crawls its way up his arm and across his body.
with The cloak predatorily latches upon the user when activated. or even Once activated the cloak crawls up the arm and across the body of the user.
Ronars is correct in wondering what the abilities are. If they do just duplicate the spell, though you are dangerously close to the SiaC.
Still I think it is a nice job and the images are great. :)
Are you familiar with SKR's 'auto-reject' advice threads from last year?
Scarf, Shinglewalker’s
Erik (top 32 2010, top 16 2011... top 4 2012? :) I think you know RPGSS better than I do but I will offer what critique I may. spells, name, and I have been wondering format for referencing something in the book. One argument was to avoid it, another was to repeat it. Personally I think you should repeat the basics and then refer, but with only 250 words... meh. I will have to assume you got it right. O:)
Chases may be obscure enough to count as mojo so good choice there. If the scarf could assume more than one shape (maybe 4 to tie into the diamond pattern?) balancing pole, self-knotting, grappling hook, ladder parachute, knee-board, breathing apparatus, or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous).Then again that might make it too complicated as I am wont to do (and hence have no fancy title behind my name :) Nice job on wayfinder, (again/still :)