Deep 6 FaWtL

[NobodysHome]

captain yesterday wrote:

NobodysHome wrote:

NobodysHome's Hosting Lesson of the Week: Do not serve chili dogs and fruit with melted chocolate to a little girl in a white dress.

Captain Yesterday's Parenting lesson of the week.: Don't put your little girl in a white dress. There are always going to be chili dogs, dirt and trees.

'twasn't MY little girl.

But lisamarlene should really know better:

How food works at NobodysHome's house:

(1) NobodysHome, somehow being descended from Persians, insists on having at least twice as much food as people can possibly eat. Because running out of food brings shame upon yourself, your ancestors, and your children for a dozen generations.

(2) To assuage the costs, NobodysHome buys most of the stuff at Costco, then asks NobodysWife to complete the shopping at a "regular" market (either the corner store or the nearby Theftway).

(3) NobodysWife, being Chaotic Mischievous, waits for Shiro's player to arrive so they can go to the store together, because...

(4) NobodysHome's shopping list of, "A block of cheese, an onion, and maybe some sour cream" becomes THREE FULL SHOPPING BAGS of snacks. Because Shiro's player is an inveterate enabler. (He and I are no longer allowed to shop together, because we're even worse, if that can be imagined.)

(5) NobodysHome makes sure all that food is always ready and available for consumption.

Nobody loses weight at NobodysHome's house.

Except...

How Impus Major works:

(1) NobodysHome takes Impus Major down to the Fremont skate park for a morning "skate date" with some friends.

(2) On the way to Shiro's player's house, NobodysHome knows NobodysWife won't have time to go to the farmer's market (she's prepping), so he goes to the Fremont Theftway. And of course, in addition to the requisite apples, picks up brownie bites, sour cream, French Onion Soup mix, a couple bags of Ruffles... and encourages Impus Major to add whatever he might want to eat into the basket.

(3) Impus Major, a 16-year-old eating machine, adds:
- Bananas
- Tomatoes
- Raspberries
- Blackberries

(4) At Shiro's player's house, we all order lunch in addition to the snacks. Impus Major gets fish and chips. He skips the fries, eats the fish, and then curls up in the corner with his iPad and mountain-o-fruit and proceeds to make a fruit bat proud.

*SIGH* Where did I go wrong?

EDIT: Naked shopping is fun shopping!

[Drejk]

I was an obsessive apple-muncher when I was kid until early twenties. I still eat them from time to time but I also grew too lazy to eat as many of them as I did in the past.

[John Napier 698]

Still working on my last bag of dried Cherries.

[NobodysHome]

*SIGH*. I hate hate HATE posting to the Rules Forum, but of the 150+ responses I get calling me BadWrongFun, I'm sure to get 3-4 nuggets of true wisdom.

So into the depths I have delved...

[TriOmegaZero]

Godspeed, NH.

[Kajehase]

lynora wrote:

NobodysHome wrote:

OK, Amazon Prime is officially "evil".

I do not think that word means what you think it means... ;P

He's still right, though.

[NobodysHome]

OK, work's going really well today, so here's a quick

Why NobodysHome can't shop with Shiro's player any more:

Shiro's player was running a Sunday game for 5 of us, so 6 people total. We discussed lunch options, and decided on home-grilled ribs. So Shiro's player and I set off with a shopping list of "ribs and sides". Unfortunately, we were hungry.

So, and there is a teensy bit of shame mixed in here, Shiro's player and I were gone for 2 hours. We filled his SUV with snacks, sides, drinks, and ribs. I seem to recall at the rib shop we said something along the lines of, "Oh, just give us 2 pounds of each kind of meat you serve. That way we know everyone'll be happy." With at least 6 different meats, that was... 12 pounds of meat. For 6 people. And we had to buy every flavor of BBQ sauce they sold, just to figure out which ones were good, right?

And it kept going.

We returned, "Triumphant", with $350 worth of food. And it wasn't expensive food. It filled the back of his SUV. (And maybe $100 of that was re-stocking his liquor cabinet.)

It took 6 weeks to finally work our way through the last package of snacks we'd bought.

And Shiro's player and I may not shop together any more without a responsible adult (or even NobodysWife) accompanying us.

[lisamarlene]

Rules of parenting a little girl:

If you have a little girl, her grandmother will buy her a white summer dress.

If her grandmother buys her a white summer dress, your daughter will insist on wearing it for every inappropriate occasion.

When you complain to the grandmother, she will say, "I didn't buy her the dress so it could hang in the closet. Let her wear it."

The little girl gets the dress covered in *everything*.

The mom stays up, scrubbing the dress with stain remover on a toothbrush, cursing the grandmother's name.

The grandmother, and the universe, laugh.

[lynora]

Kajehase wrote:

lynora wrote:

NobodysHome wrote:

OK, Amazon Prime is officially "evil".

I do not think that word means what you think it means... ;P

He's still right, though.

Well, that's something I'll never agree on. I am totally cool with not leaving the house. Leaving the house is for people who have energy and like engaging in social interaction. :P

[lisamarlene]

Oh, good. I'll take Shiro with me next time I need groceries.

[NobodysHome]

lisamarlene wrote:

Oh, good. I'll take Shiro with me next time I need groceries.

LOL. You think I'm joking. You'll regret it.

Yes, you'll get everything you need.

And then you'll get, "Shrimp-flavored pickle chips" because, "They must be terrible!", and some obscure kind of olive because, "Look at how green they are!", and, "Oh, I had these in Singapore, and they were awesome! Let's find out how messed-up they are here!"

What he buys and what is edible have a very small intersection set...

EDIT: My all-time favorite is the "Moonshine cherries" that basically taste like cherries soaked in gasoline. They're utterly inedible, and ruin any drink you put them in. So he delightedly keeps them in his liquor cabinet, and strongly recommends that any newcomer try them. "You'll be amazed!"

[Kajehase]

I started watching Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency while cat-sitting for the parents, and damn! I want his jacket.

[captain yesterday]

They just got that show on Hulu!

[Kajehase]

It's pretty good. Best thing Elijah Wood's done (that I've seen) since that movie-trilogy.

[captain yesterday]

lisamarlene wrote:

Rules of parenting a little girl:

If you have a little girl, her grandmother will buy her a white summer dress.

If her grandmother buys her a white summer dress, your daughter will insist on wearing it for every inappropriate occasion.

When you complain to the grandmother, she will say, "I didn't buy her the dress so it could hang in the closet. Let her wear it."

The little girl gets the dress covered in *everything*.

The mom stays up, scrubbing the dress with stain remover on a toothbrush, cursing the grandmother's name.

The grandmother, and the universe, laugh.

I've been there. :-)

[Freehold DM]

NobodysHome wrote:

lisamarlene wrote:

Oh, good. I'll take Shiro with me next time I need groceries.

LOL. You think I'm joking. You'll regret it.

Yes, you'll get everything you need.

And then you'll get, "Shrimp-flavored pickle chips" because, "They must be terrible!", and some obscure kind of olive because, "Look at how green they are!", and, "Oh, I had these in Singapore, and they were awesome! Let's find out how messed-up they are here!"

What he buys and what is edible have a very small intersection set...

EDIT: My all-time favorite is the "Moonshine cherries" that basically taste like cherries soaked in gasoline. They're utterly inedible, and ruin any drink you put them in. So he delightedly keeps them in his liquor cabinet, and strongly recommends that any newcomer try them. "You'll be amazed!"

shiro sounds awesome. He should totally post here.

[Freehold DM]

NobodysHome wrote:

...

chaotic mischievous eh? eyebrow waggle

[thegreenteagamer]

Hey Friends!

I just want to let you all know I'm doing great. The job has been going strong for a few months, my meds are stable, and I'm working so damn many hours I can't hold a regularly scheduled game...

But the divorce is going nice and clean (and amicable), I actually have a new girlfriend (who plays tabletop and is a genuinely bigger geek than me [but less of a nerd]), and we're going to be holding a Roll20
"whenever we can all get online" game with a few of her friends out of state, some of my friends, and my brother, who lives too far to play in person soon, so that's nice.

Just so you know, this will be my last post here. I figure everyone who knows me is on this thread, so, yeah. I'm dropping the TGTG alias - it's an old one from before I even got married, and I sort of retired that alias everywhere else a while ago.

I'll be around as The Vagrant Erudite, an account I made recently with a different email.

Your kindness throughout the years has always been a blessing. I'll pop in occasionally with the new suit to say hi.

[Sharoth]

NobodysHome wrote:

OK, Amazon Prime is officially "evil".

Normally, when I want a book, I go to the bookstore (I can't call it "local", because it's a Barnes and Noble), peruse around, and end up with 3-4 books.

Impus Major is getting very interested in string theory and quantum physics, so I decided to get him "A Brief History of Time" to give him a decent foundation.

Amazon Prime: NobodysHome, you don't have to leave the house! We'll give you the hardcover edition for under $20, with free one-day shipping...

I swear, use Amazon Prime enough and you turn into a pasty-skinned eloi, ripe for the morlock's plucking...

I would also suggest The Elegant Universe by Brian Green.

[Sharoth]

tgtg a.k.a. The Vagrant Erudite, don't be too much of a stranger and send me a post from your new alias. Take care of yourself!

[captain yesterday]

Good to see you're doing well.

Even though you just made twenty aliases obsolete.

Myself, I stabbed a car door into my eyebrow and am using the resulting scar as impetus to become jaded towards humanity and *finally* build that robot army I drew up when I was ten.

It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Turns out coffee doesn't come in actual cans anymore and don't grant the ability to have intelligent thought and vacuum cleaner hoses do nothing.

Other than that life as usual. :-)

[NobodysHome]

So, random funny/dismal thought of the day:

"My son was sick, so I had to put him to sleep on the couch," and, "My cat was sick, so I had to put her to sleep on the couch" are two VERY different things in English.

On the bright side, Impus Minor did throw up at blacksmithing camp. I'm sure that won him some "hardcore" points...

[NobodysHome]

And Amazon Prime is officially getting sick of us:
NobodysHome:"Oh! I'll order the book from Amazon! Free shipping! Sweet!"

The next morning:
NobodysWife: Did you already place the order? Because I need one of these.
NobodysHome: No problemo! Order #2! Free shipping! Woo hoo!

Later that day:
NobodysManager: Did you get ICE-rated eclipse glasses?
NobodysHome: Nope! Let me check Amazon! There they are! Free shipping! Sweet!

Amazon: Hey, NobodysHome, if you'll take normal shipping on this package instead of 2-day, we'll give you $5 off your next order!
NobodysHome: Nah. I'm good.
Amazon: We hate you, NobodysHome!

EDIT: And yes, I am living the dream. We rented a 31-foot RV and we're going to drive up to Oregon to see the eclipse. So, being over 50, white, and driving a giant RV, I have mapped my path through every possible national park. Now all I have to do is make sure I can set the cruise control to 15...

[captain yesterday]

What do I do when I'm bored and antsy at a quarter after ten.

I walk a mile and a half to the grocery store.

[Sharoth]

~one roll of SweeTarts later~ I am awake!

[gran rey de los mono]

If you use a walking stick to encourage speed, does that make it a hurricane?

[gran rey de los mono]

That's right, I'm back! Prepare for more terrible jokes!

[gran rey de los mono]

If I can find any more.

[Vidmaster7]

YAY conflicting Emotions!

[gran rey de los mono]

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused anesthesia for his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[gran rey de los mono]

A hungry lion was looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one reading a book and the other writing. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading and ate him. After all, everyone knows readers digest, while writers cramp.

[gran rey de los mono]

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so happy that he built her a tepee of deer hide. A few days later, the second also gave birth to a boy, and the happy chief built her a tepee of antelope hide. A few days later, the third wife gave birth. The chief built her a two-story tepee of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the tribe to determine why. Most of the tribespeople were stumped, but one of them correctly deduced that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. When the chief asked how he had figured it out, the tribesman said "Easy. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[gran rey de los mono]

There was once a small island kingdom, with a king who wanted to show off his wealth. His advisers suggested he build a throne. The king liked the idea of having an impressively large throne, but was saddened because he had to live in the traditional king's hut, and there was no room for one. So, he called in the island's best engineers to solve the problem. They devised a system of pulleys and ropes that would let the king lower the throne into position during the day, but raise it up out of the way so his bed could be put back for the night. This made the king very happy. Unfortunately, the throne was very heavy, and the repeated strain of lifting it into the air each night weakened the roof beams. One night, the beams snapped, and the throne fell down, smooshing the king into a paste. Thus was born the saying "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

[gran rey de los mono]

One day a man decided that he would treat himself, and instead of shaving his own beard he would have the barber shave it for him. He went to the barber shop, and found that it was closed. The barber's wife, Grace, was outside and he asked why the shop was closed. Grace told him that the barber had to leave town to tend to his sick mother, but that she could shave him if he wanted. The man agreed, so they went into the shop. As she prepared the lather, Grace said "I should tell you, I charge $20 for a shave." The man complained "The sign says that a shave is $5, why should I pay you $20?" Grace said "That's my price. Do you want the shave or not?" The man reluctantly agreed, and Grace shaved him. He paid her, noticing that it was the best shave he had ever had. The next day, he woke up and saw that his face was still smooth, with no visible hair growth. And same the next day, and the next. Weeks, then months, went by and his beard never did start to regrow. Eventually, he ran into the barber's wife and asked her "How is this possible?" She said "Well, once you've been shaved by Grace, you're always shaved."

[gran rey de los mono]

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

[gran rey de los mono]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative. Yet in no language does a double-positive yield a negative." From the back of the room a voice called out "Yeah, right."

[gran rey de los mono]

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain. Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief."Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

[Un-Bear-able Puns]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

*Takes off Pun hat* This belongs to you now. * Plodes off on all fours*

[gran rey de los mono]

An elephant and a wildebeest are drinking water at a pond in Africa. Suddenly, the elephant spots a turtle sunning itself on a rock. The elephant walks over, picks the turtle up in it's trunk, and flings the turtle as far as it can into the brush. The wildebeest says "What was that all about?" The elephant says "Oh, 50 years ago, that turtle bit me, so this was payback." The wildebeest says "You've remembered which turtle it was after all these years? You must have an incredible memory!" The elephant smiles and says "Yep, I have turtle recall."

[gran rey de los mono]

I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine. After all, they were wind-chilled vipers.

[gran rey de los mono]

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine. After all, they were wind-chilled vipers.

For some reason I imagine that person with a German accent.

[Punniculus]

Un-Bear-able Puns wrote:

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

*Takes off Pun hat* This belongs to you now. * Plodes off on all fours*

*grabs hat*

I'll take that. Now, have you knocked up an owl yet? I'm still waiting for some owlbears.

[gran rey de los mono]

A church needed its steeple painted, but because it was so tall and so steep none of the local painters would do the job. Eventually, a couple of handymen offered to do the job, and the church agreed. They were doing a good job until they got near the top. They were running low on paint, and didn't want to have to go buy more. So, they thinned the paint out and kept going. As soon as they finished the very top, it suddenly started pouring, washing off the paint and ruining their work. A loud voice boomed out from the heavens saying "Repaint, and thin no more!"

[gran rey de los mono]

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

[Un-Bear-able Puns]

To burrow a line from a different furry animal.

Exit Stage left
<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[gran rey de los mono]

My son believes that his school is haunted. When I asked him why, he said it's because the principal keeps talking about "school spirit".

[gran rey de los mono]

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!? "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[gran rey de los mono]

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

[Limeylongears]

NobodysHome wrote:

So, random funny/dismal thought of the day:

"My son was sick, so I had to put him to sleep on the couch," and, "My cat was sick, so I had to put her to sleep on the couch" are two VERY different things in English.

On the bright side, Impus Minor did throw up at blacksmithing camp. I'm sure that won him some "hardcore" points...

What did he make at blacksmithing camp?