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Hum, yes. Clearly I shall have to find a new source of ammunition.
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I seriously don't know just how you managed to be a tour guide (aside from no-one else being willing). Besides, I'd appreciate it very much if you didn't scare people away with your "magic weasel" trick and stop using those that don't immediately run away as ammunition for whatever reason! Just try and convince people to go touring my castle at night, so I can get some fresh blood. Do I have to turn my castle into a school and/or holiday resort or something? Now I need a vacation!
Count Reiner's School for Wannabe Night Stalkers.
Has a nice ring to it.
I seriously don't know just how you managed to be a tour guide (aside from no-one else being willing). Besides, I'd appreciate it very much if you didn't scare people away with your "magic weasel" trick and stop using those that don't immediately run away as ammunition for whatever reason! Just try and convince people to go touring my castle at night, so I can get some fresh blood. Do I have to turn my castle into a school and/or holiday resort or something? Now I need a vacation!
It's true, 8 out of 10 visitors are scared off by the "magic weasel" trick. The remaining 20%, however...
If it's night-time guests you're after, I shall brush up on my "glow-in-the-dark magic weasel trick". How's that?
I think you've already pissed Mummy off enough this year, don't you, Alphonse?
Maybe your just not advertising right.
The Count needs a good PR firm.
*I* need a firm Puerto Rican.
Yeah I wonder I mean she promised a part in one of her movie deals.
Hmm...what's Anne Rice been up to, recently?
Busy writing more super duper musicals with Strahdrew Von Webber, I hope!!!
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Anne Rice is dead. I fed her to a species of large, deep-sea piranha.
Strahdrew Von Webber is still alive though (or at least, as alive as an undead cyborg can be). He works on Broadway, selling cigars in the men's executive bathroom and heated towels for the women's.
Now the time has come to show off my Robobeasts! Here's the basic ones:
1 Cephalox the Cyber Squid
2 Silda the Electric Eel
3 Manak the Silent Predator
4 Kraya the Blood Shark
5 Shredder the Spider Droid
6 Stinger the Sea Phantom
7 Crusher the Creeping Terror
8 Mangler the Dark Menace
9 Tetrax the Swamp Crocodile
10 Nephro the Ice Lobster
11 Finaria the Savage Sea Snake
12 Chakrol the Ocean Hammer
13 Rekkar the Screeching Orca
14 Tragg the Ice Bear
15 Horvos the Horror Bird
16 Gubbix the Poison Fish
17 Sythid the Spider Crab
18 Brux the Tusked Terror
19 Venor the Sea Scorpion
20 Monoth the Spiked Destroyer
21 Fliktor the Deadly Conqueror
22 Tengal the Savage Shark
23 Kull the Cave Crawler
24 Gulak the Gulper Eel
25 Veloth the Vampire Squid
26 Glendor the Stealthy Shadow
27 Mirroc the Goblin Shark
28 Blistra the Sea Dragon
29 Gort the Deadly Snatcher
30 Fangor the Crunching Giant
31 Shelka the Mighty Fortress
32 Loosejaw the Nightmare Fish
And here's the elite Robobeasts, true perfections of my work:
1 Stengor the Crab Monster
2 Skalda the Soul Stealer
3 Drakkos the Ocean King
4 Octor Monster of the Deep
5 Jandor the Arctic Lizard
6 Repta the Spiked Brute
7 Hydror the Ocean Hunter
o_O
^ important question^
Hey, Professor!
You going to try out to teach at the Count's school?
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He already has a place as the science teacher. Just like how Malvel is the magic teacher.
But I should explain the layout of my castle and the changes I've made to it:
1. Castle Heydrich: the central hub and key tourist attraction. It's also my actual home.
2. Venture Resort: converted from the southwest extension of my castle and lands, this is the ultimate holiday getaway! It's open to all members of the public (especially those with a rare blood type) all year round and all anti-vampire charms (as well as all anti-monster charms in general) and credit cards are accepted. More info later.
3. Tombstein: another conversion (this time, the northeast extension of my castle) and the school.
Named after my old Ala Mata, Tombstein is a boarding school for both girls and boys. Students stay at the campus all year round until graduation (however, they are allowed administrative leave on their birthdays, weekends and over the holidays). School officially opens on September 1st and officially closes June 30th (the law is very clear about giving students an extended period of rest between the school years). We accept students from reception (that's kindergarten, for you Americans) all the way to sixth form! And if all goes well, we can provide students with an option to stay on for college and university courses! All new students must arrive at the Coach House on the outskirts of my domain by midnight (the moment August ends and September begins) so that I can personally great and take them to the school. The school building itself looks like a slightly smaller version of my castle and has two large towers either side of it (girl's dormitory to the east and boy's dormitory to the west). Each student has a their own, sizable room with ensuite bathrooms and the communion areas are the ground, first and second floors.
And yes, I will have classes that teaches how to speak a different language. With Comte de Malodor being the French teacher (not like I had a choice, besides, he's got all the necessary qualifications and background checks).
Yes. I have complete confidence in these "background checks" if Alphonse managed to pass them.
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OHH, COUNT HEYDRIIIICH...!
*front door suddenly swings wide open, and in roughly the time it would take for a medium-sized anthropoid to move 60 feet, a long, thin shadow crosses the threshold, preceding a tall, thin, rain-drenched, somewhat heavily-armed fellow with multiple heavy bags*
I...*heeheeheehee*...hear you have *titter* vacancies among your chemistry, astronomy *IA!*, *CH-CH-CH-CH/ah-ah-ah-ah* culinary arts, and *fhfhfhfhfh* medical psychology departments???
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Yes. I have complete confidence in these "background checks" if Alphonse managed to pass them.
*a hauntingly beautiful disembodied voice reverberates around the room*
Security troubles, Mademoiselle? Perhaps I can help, for an entirely reasonable rate of compensation, of course...I have quite the resume for such things...also, I hear there is an opening for senior voice instructors?
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*immediately thereafter, there is a terrible trundling sound from the gardens*
AM TARDIGRADE!!! WILL WORK IN EXCHANGE FOR IONIZED HEAVY WATER, PSYCHEDELIC FUNGUS, ROTIFERS, FUNNY NEW PROTIST-THINGS, AND SMALLER TARDIGRADES!
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*in walks a striking-looking Tiefling in exotic robes, not particularly heavily-armed, but surrounded by a bevy of ominous-looking clockwork toys*
Great and most gracious Occidental effendi! I have come from afar in response to thy request for a lecturer in engineering, mathematics, precious mineral arts, and mathemagic...?
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I'm an Englishman (Mortvania - where I'm originally from - was basically a cross between England and Transylvania), so there is no francs for you! And no other type of currency either!
If you're being serious Skiron, then you can be the culinary teacher and the head chef of the school canteen. Just remember, when serving up my personal favourite dish of "tomato soup" to the students, make sure they eat it before it clots.
Phantom, we have an auditorium for the dramatic arts. Can I rely on you to teach the students?
Regarding you, AM TARDIGRADE, I could use someone to filter out those troublemakers who aren't supposed to be here (that goes for the resort as well). You can't kill anyone, but everything else is permitted.
You've come a long way Tvashtri Abdul-Khasis and... You're hired!
Wotan, if you get others for the security, then you can work here.
Gremlins, you'll be in charge of the daily maintenance.
Nice work, R2-FU, you will make an excellent groundskeeper!
If you want a job, Lady Blackmoor, just let me know.
Also, your wages will be generous and daily. Just please remember, no hurting/killing the students or other members of staff (except Comte de Malodor, you can go nuts on him).
Luckily, the school orchestra is taken care of. PROOP PROOP!!!
I...*heeheeheehee*...hear you have *titter* vacancies among your chemistry, astronomy *IA!*, *CH-CH-CH-CH/ah-ah-ah-ah* culinary arts, and *fhfhfhfhfh* medical psychology departments???
The medical department is under my control.
Why won't someone please think of the closets!?!
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>.> *waits for horrible clown themed violence*
You don't get a beard like this one without patience.
By patience, he means waiting a couple of hours at the hair-dresser while they wash it.
How dare he!
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Worst. Interdimensional. Tailor. Ever.
Right? That guy is a clown.
I'll take your word on it.
You are far too trusting.
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*shows up again, now hefting something he didn't have before: a heavy, jingling sack oddly covered in static-clinging mothballs*
Apologies *hee-hee!*, I was just *long, scary facial tic* having a deLIGhTfuL tête-à-tête vis-à-vis some *a-hahahaha* mutual annoyances of ours...
...now, to demonstrate my Culinary Arts acumen!:
*blasts and blackens Dedrick, The Professor with his signature shriveling spell but only so much before conjuring a fire vampire to rapidly slow-roast the remains while he rehydrates them via the most delicate and loving means*
...now season with some hearty essential salts and peppercorns, and there you have it: Pot Roast Von Dedrick!
...
Ah, and by the way: I understand there's recently been a vacancy in the Chemistry department?
I think Vidmaster7's policy on trust is as follows: "my length of trust grows as my beard does!"
That's what I think anyway. Personally, don't trust people as far as I can throw them!
A wise man, Count!
*telekinetically throws Vidmaster7 out the window...*
Hm. I suppose we can trust that one!
Wow, nice.
Tell me, Skiron, have you ever considered a position as a 155mm howitzer?