Looks like things have taken a turn for the w-ursine!!!!
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*Goes to pour highly corrosive acid onto Chuck Les, only for Vidmaster7 to grab him (with Vidmaster7 using not his hands, but his beard) and slowly dragging Chuck Les into him (with Chuck Les screaming in vain as he is consumed by the beard), it's quite the horrific spectacle.*
Okay, nevermind. Anyway, Count Reiner Heydrich, Malvel and I wish to join the Cadre Infernal.
*Exchanges looks of worry and anticipation with Malvel.*
What must we do for the initiation and can we improve in rank?
Put on this pink fluffy blindfold and roll your left trouser leg up (skin will do, if you're not wearing any). Then bend over and repeat after me:
"I, a lonely traveller and earnest seeker after wisdom, am now 100% prepared for spanks"
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:rides in on the back of the Pun-Bear, clad only in gold and silver body paint and an elaborate feathered headdress:
Dedrick, darling, there is such a thing as trying too hard.
:the bear carries him out the opposite door:
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*Cringes at the sight of GoatToucher (and goes pale at GoatToucher's comment).*
Dedrick doesn't like it when people call him "darling", besides he prefers Merryn girls.
*Shakes off the irony by smashing a concrete block onto the head of Comte de Malodor.*
That's what you have to do in order to become Rank 6! The initiation procedure is as follows: you must hop across boiling hot, rocky platforms while they are sinking into lava. Please note, this is in Hell, it's not called the Cadre INFERNAL for nothing! Once you pass that, you're in and begin at Rank 1. To improve to Rank 2, you must retrieve an ordinary peach from it's tree by going through the field of bladed grass (literally), into the woods of forever night, along the mountain peaks of broken glass, through the desert of sawdust, through the meadow of the Pretty Prancing Ponies (careful, they put up a nasty fight) and finally you rope swing over the Bog of Eternal Stench and you're there! Rank 3 is a little harder, you must swim around the world (don't miss any country or continent) whilst being tickled. Sounds easy, but instead of seawater, it's a special type of holy water that burns evil beings like so:
*Gestures to Lady Blackmoor, who then drips a large barrel full of the holy water onto Comte de Malodor, causing him to scream in complete agony. GoatToucher is standing by, ready to attend to Comte de Malodor.*
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My brother is only screaming because he thinks I'm trying to make him wash. Holy water doesn't actually affect the little scrote at all.
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So, his alignment doesn't consist of Evil? I always thought he was CE.
*Has Malvel put his left hand into another barrel that contains the holy water.*
Just test it for me, I'd do myself, but holy water always works on undead creatures like me.
*As soon as Malvel touches the water he pulls his hand away and it now looks all scalded.*
It appears to work just fine, because Malvel is alive he wouldn't be affected by normal holy water, I guess that Comte de Malodor is not Evil after all. Is he perhaps CN? Only Dowager Comtesse de Malodor can help me now.
Almost... almost.
Sometimes....
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Alphonse is CN - Complete Numpty.
Ow Muuuummm, you're embarrassing meee....
Quite.
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He's only been around for almost 6 decades. He has a lot to learn about himself.
All these poor lost boys running around.
Really? I've been around for at least ten times that and he's been my friend for a long time.
One day with him feels like a decade. He has a tendency to distort the perception of time around himself.
No - that's just bad wind.
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Actually, I think you'll find that it is BOTH of those things!
*Takes Lady Blackmoor aside to speak with her in private.*
I'm not sure how to best say this but, your mother has lost the latest crusade of the Blood War (I'm sure that she will try again). Many are saying it's because she never utilised the services that Dedrick and Malvel had offered her, but who knows the truth? That being said, the GeneStealer Cult that you "helped" a while ago, is still fighting on.
*looks for his bolter*
I'm not sure why you think a large pillow will be of any use, unless you think that the inside of a space hulk is a good place for a snooze.
Makes for a very nice napping spot
Actually, I think you'll find that it is BOTH of those things!
*Takes Lady Blackmoor aside to speak with her in private.*
I'm not sure how to best say this but, your mother has lost the latest crusade of the Blood War
Well, we wouldn't have done if our armour-piercing gnomes had lived up to their name. Their pointy little red hats just collapsed when they struck those Abyssal Retrievers, to say nothing of the gnomes themselves.
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What did you expect from garden gnomes? The porcelain type would have been much better to use. Anyway they kept making gestures about getting people to marry their (the gnomes) pet hamsters! Not to mention that the gnomes were always falling on their faces (a definite display of aggressive behaviour I believe).
*quietly sneaks in*
*vanishes*
Ah, good, the furniture maintenance stealth specialists have been.
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Aye being mistaken for a dust bunny is one of the hazard of the hairy life.
What is this 'we' being very busy?
All I've ever seen you do is hand out the job assignments your castallon made up for you.
I've been busy.
Uncle Honore opened a portal to the Demiplane of Housemaids for me.
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*Turns first to Vampire Schism.*
No matter the job, it is always enough to make us nobility busy (yourself included).
*And now, turns to Comte de Malodor.*
That's because your Uncle Honore doesn't know you're on probation.
*Activates a special alarm device given to me by Dowager Comtesse de Malodor.*
I'm sorry, my friend, but I promised your mother to inform her of your mischief.
Ow yaroosh garoo, you rotten sneak!!!
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Bon jour, Alphonse. Tu t'amuse avec les bonnes? Ne le dis pas à ta mère!
Bon jour, Reiner.
Je m'appelle Honore.
Je habite dans l'enfer.
J'aime les garçons musculaires.
Perhaps somebody would like to tell me precisely what is going on here.
Somebody's in Trouble with a Capital 'T'!
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* A pillar of rainbow-colored light strikes Ang'Knorac Fortress and the smell of freshly-baked goods fills the air for hundreds of miles around *
Hello all! Apologies for being gone so long but it was time for my once-a-millennium vacation. Decided to visit a few alternate realities I haven't been to in some time.
My dear Count, I don't think you will need to worry about any opposing forces in this lovely little fortress. I removed them. Seems these naughty little fools built their little building over one of my wine cellars.
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*Goes over to Grandpa Wonderbra and warmly shakes his hand.*
It is good to see you again, you've been gone for too long, how is Uncle Teddy and his bear Fred? I must inform you that Ang'Knorac Fortress was built by the now deceased redcaps and pugiwumpis that had been enslaved by the family of Comte de Malodor (as you may now remember). One of the main things to note are the two rooms that seem "out of place". The indoor pool used to be where Dowager Comtesse de Malodor would have her beauty treatment of mud bathing (as Ang'Knorac Fortress was her summer home) and the elegant ballroom that overlooks the lovely view of all nine layers of hell? That was once used by Comte de Malodor himself as his "Chamber of Lord Spankedbottom". He's really sad about what has happened to it. Anyway, enough sadness, tell me all about these other realities. They sound most intriguing, perhaps I should visit them myself.
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It was the chamber where the first (and only) performance of my blockbuster musical, 'Young Alphonse's Book of Practical Spanks' took place, and now it's gone. GONE!!!
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Trust me, dearest boy, that's the least of your worries right now. *cracks knuckles*
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My dear Count, Teddy and Fred are doing fine. In fact, they are on a quest to retrieve some special ingredients for some new recipes I picked up on my travels, including a wonderful roast turkey to die - or live in your case - for.
* hands the Count a scroll and some strange glowing rocks *
Here's a list of realities I think you might enjoy and the keys to enter and leave them. Now I must want you, don't stay too long in some of them else you may never want to leave.
I saw so many wonderful things I really don't know where to begin. I did pick up some souvenirs for everyone.
* reaches into my coat pocket and begins to pull out all sorts of things and hands them out *
Oh dear me, the fortress was lovely Dowager's summer home. I really wish someone had told me that. I would have revealed the doorway to my wine cellar then. To be honest I do get worried when strange architecture begins appearing on places I have food and drink stored. I really thought those redcaps and pugiwumpis would have made notice of the signs that said "Property of Grandpa Wonderbra. Please ask for permission before entering." Oh well, I guess that's how those impish creatures can be.
* bangs cane on the ground and a door made of petrified wood suddenly appears within the fortress, which has been restored to its former glory *
There, now you fine folks can enjoy the wine I have there.
Has anyone seen Goattoucher. One of the realities was dominated by Cenobytes and they had this most wonderful back-scratcher. I saw it and though Goattoucher would enjoy it. It looks like an ordinary back-scratcher but when one with the proper training uses it...
... well, that's why I thought of Goattoucher. He is someone who does have the proper training.
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*Unfurls the scroll and reads it, intrigued about the realities.*
I've heard of some of these funnily enough. I have always wondered how to get there.
*Looks at Ang'Knorac Fortress, a thought suddenly comes to mind.*
With the fortress going back to how it was, I can't help but think about all of the agathions, gnomes, inevitables and half-ogres that worked together and took over the place. What has happened to them?
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I've found jobs for all of them. I do need someone to clean up my kitchen and do the dishes. And I do have a lot of dishes that need washing and drying. Plus I have quite a few gardens and farms that need tending. Those dire dairy cows don't clean up their messes themselves.
* smiles evilly *
I'll send my daughter over there.
If she can clean up after those pesky dwarfs, your place shouldn't be too much of a strain.