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I thought I'd list some things that I get in trouble for, or at the very least, try my friends' patience at the gaming table. I also figured it might also be fun for some of you guys to list some of these things too.
- When I'm DMing a villain, and the party has a werewolf character, I cannot let the villain's dieing words be "And I would've gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids and that mangy dog!"
- When two gods throw down and "take it outside", duel betting boards flip up, and the owner of the tavern says "Why do they keep doing this? Neither one ever wins." I am not allowed to place my money on a draw.
- My Monk's title is not Brother of the Wandering Hands.
- Even if the halfling annoys me, it is inappropriate to suggest she "go somewhere and shave her feet".
- When there's a werewolf is in the party is not the best time to discuss the local leash-laws.
- When a god shows up and begins to mock the party saying "It looks like you're one short.", it would have been in all of our best interest if I didn't respond with "Said the short one."
- When I am tracking a creature with a foot print twice my size for the party, it is not appreciated if I state "The tracks lead this way, so I'm going that way, good luck."
- After escaping from the Hole in which that god had imprisoned me, and returning to the party, it would be appreciated if I waited untill he finishes his expositional dialog with the party before turning his own magic upon him and sending him to the Hole.
HAHAHAHA! Sounds familiar... I think I'll add a few of my own too.
1. If the party Minotaur doesn't like being mooed at, a present of a masterwork cowbell, no matter how expensive, will NOT be appreciated.
2. When playing a thief, it is not necessary to rob every inn you stop at. Even (or is that especially) when you make it look like the Lawful Good ranger is the culprit.
3. No matter how mad you are at the DM for randomly assigning spells to your 1st level Wizard, do no use cantrips to disrupt the King's speech (he converted old school cantrips like Burp, Fart, Sew, Unsew and Itch). Adding 20 minutes to the DMs pre-written 30 minute speech does not endear your party to you. And does not make the DM more sympathetic to your plight.
1. Never, and I mean NEVER ask a fellow party member to "Toss over a vial of alchemists fire".
2. It doesn't matter how hard you worked for it, you always take off any magical armour you're wearing before sneaking past a sleeping collosal sized dragon.
3. Never command the warforged druids to "Transform and roll out".
4. At -8 hit points is NOT the best time to try and convert a fellow party member to your god.
5. Don't try to use the "Hey, look behind you!" trick, especillay if the party rogue just happens to be sneaking up as you do it.
6. Never let the barberian rage if he/she is hit with a Blindness/Deafness spell.
Lo Pan is gunna getcha, because you haves your fork in the pork !
"Never give up hope, Jack!"
"Alright, I won't Wang - let's just chew our way out of here!!!!"I need to get that movie on DVD... :)
Your Friendly Neighborhood Dalesman
"Bringing Big D**n Justice to the Bad Guys Since 1369 DR"
1) Never sell your party members to the local alchemist, no matter how shady his ethics are, or if he's offered you a hefty bonus if you can find him exotic materials for making potions & oils.
2) When locked in a cell where the jailer has access to a lever/switch that can instantly kill you(spikes, crush trap, etc.) it is best to not compare his looks or personality to that of a chihuahua.
3) No matter their color or alignment, never EVER EVER ask a dragon for some of his or her blood.
4) For whatever peculiar reason, gnomes do not appreciate being used as footstools.
5) When a member of your party gains an odd magical aberration, such as a flame where his or her eye used to be, it is not appropriate to use it to light your pipe.
6) Invading a lizardfolk lair is the wrong time to discuss whether or not lizard tails taste like chicken.
I need to get that movie on DVD... :)
I found it for like $8 at Best Buy (or somewhere similar).
*starts singing the end theme music*
I need to get that movie on DVD... :)I found it for like $8 at Best Buy (or somewhere similar).
*starts singing the end theme music*
Hmmm...temptation. It would look nice next to my Firefly boxed set.... ;P
*will try to stop threadjacking now*
Your Friendly Neighborhood Dalesman
"Bringing Big D**n Justice to the Bad Guys Since 1369 DR"
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- Dwarves do not breakdance. I am forbidden from teaching them to.
- Ripley's Believe It or Not is not a proper source for character concepts.
- A Dwarf's beard is not an acceptable alternative to steel wool. Even if I'll cut it off, first. Especially if I cut it off, first.
- No, Dwarves aren't all just one sex. There are females, too, even if I can't tell the difference.
- The Gnomes in Dragonlance have many, many guilds. None of these are "Lolipop". Nor am I its representative.
- I should realize that telling the Vampire Queen to "bite me" is not a good idea.
- Replacing the magic user's spell scrolls with soup recipe scrolls is only funny if its discovered outside of combat.
- Replacing the Cleric's potions with Folger's Coffee to see if he can tell the difference is only funny if its discovered outside of combat.
Its not nice to cover the Dwarf with Alchemical Shaving Cream while he sleeps. (Alchemical Shaving Cream works without a blade, apply and wipe off, will remove all hair and fur.)
I read the title and started hearing "we got trouble, thats right i said trouble, right here in River City..... Trouble with a Capitol T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool"
That does it...
Now I really am gonna have to go watch that movie.
Funny side note: If you ever get a chance to watch the DVD w/ the commentary turned on, both Kurt Russell and the director are busy drinking themselves under the table while taping the audio. True story. ;-)
-Roth
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- My Paladin Mount cannot be an Ostrich.
- Stop provoking the god of Chaos!
- Yes, the castle has more than the one chamberpot found in the prison cell.
- No, they aren't going to be added to the map.
- It is wrong to put a trap-door in an outhouse.
- It is also wrong to place magical fire traps in an outhouse.
- Don't make fun of the ranger's lack of fighting prowess if you're in the deepest wilderness and only she knows the way
- Never make disparaging remarks about a deity on its home plane
- Never whine about how that enemy got away and that you want to fight it again.
- Especially don't do that if you won only because the DM played nice the first time.
- City guides should know something about the city they're guiding people around in.
- If you're deliver heads to the local bounty bureau to ask whether you get anything for this one, make sure first that he isn't a big shot in the city.
- It's not okay to take a rist and shoot into melee. At least not if one of the guys is your ally and very easily provoked. And an arcane damage adept.
- When the DM asks you "are you sure", think the whole thing through again.
- Don't pay people to mess with your mind if you don't trust them implicitly
- If you meet a guy all the powerful fiends in the vicinity fawn over, it's probably not wise to attack him even if he annoys you to no end.
- Training dire elephants to step on halflings might be considered one of those social faux-pas.
- Transporting a priestess of light via shadow walk just isn't done, even if you can't teleport because of prohibited schools. A carriage ride won't get you excummunicated, branded as a heritc, and hunted down.
- If you survive a combat by sheer luck (and retreating fast enough), it might be best to wait a little to try a similar enemy again.
- Don't brag in front of the DM that your new character build is unbeatable.
- If you want to betray your companions and then taunt them with your betrayal, first make sure they can't attack you.
- D&D is not Diablo, monsters don't always behave like AI-controlled critters, and even if the last nine enemies did, don't count on the 10th doing the same.
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- No more mimes!
- Roasted Goblin is not a delicacy anywhere, especially when we're trying to impress the Goblins.
- Tricking the Succubus by turning into an Incubus only works once.
- It is not a wise idea to ask the shape-shifting Gnome if he has ever shifted into a rock and thrown himself at someone.
- Nor is it wise to ask the Gnome to shift into a rock and throw him at someone myself.
- A pirate who has two peglegs, two eyepatches, and two hooks is just wrong. Especially when I name him "Blind Cap'n Stump".
- My dying words are not allowed to be "Strike me down, and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
- Nor can they be "You've got a stain on the seat of your pants".
- When using the spell Bigby's Clenched Fist to disrupt another spellcaster, I am not allowed to chant "I'm not touching you!" every time it strikes him.
- Prestidigitation is a wonderful spell with many applications. However, while I can use it to make it seem the Paladin has soiled himself, that doesn't mean I should.
[list]No more mimes! Roasted Goblin is not a delicacy anywhere, especially when we're trying to impress the Goblins.
You no eat goblins! Eat mimes, grow to be strong and powerful!
[list]You no eat goblins! Eat mimes, grow to be strong and powerful!No more mimes! Roasted Goblin is not a delicacy anywhere, especially when we're trying to impress the Goblins.
I don't eat mimes. They taste funny. Oh no, that was clowns.
Anyway, that's an impractical goblin name. "Korpiklanni" - with a gobin's short attention span, they'd never be able to say it.
You should shorten it. How does "Korpsy" sound? :)
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as done by one of my players...
In combat....Do not.. I repeat, DO NOT summon 2 undead dragons when the 17th lvl CLR/4th lvl Paladin of Tyr NPC has his back turned....
chances are ... he'll be pissed.
as done by one of my players...
In combat....Do not.. I repeat, DO NOT summon 2 undead dragons when the 17th lvl CLR/4th lvl Paladin of Tyr NPC has his back turned....
chances are ... he'll be pissed.
So what? If you can summon undead dragons by the dozen - or by the couple, the thing is more than one really - a mere 21st-level character should be a mere nuisance.
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So what? If you can summon undead dragons by the dozen - or by the couple, the thing is more than one really - a mere 21st-level character should be a mere nuisance.as done by one of my players...
In combat....Do not.. I repeat, DO NOT summon 2 undead dragons when the 17th lvl CLR/4th lvl Paladin of Tyr NPC has his back turned....
chances are ... he'll be pissed.
how many undead dragons can that NPC turn/command?
Lo Pan is gunna getcha, because you haves your fork in the pork!
Lo Pan? That looks like my mother-in-law!
...Adding 20 minutes to the DMs pre-written 30 minute speech does not endear your party to you...
My group likes to have a sledgehammer close by -- for DMs with pre-written 30 minute speeches.
how many undead dragons can that NPC turn/command?
Not enough. Never enough.
So what? If you can summon undead dragons by the dozen - or by the couple, the thing is more than one really - a mere 21st-level character should be a mere nuisance.
True, but the point is that all undead, and those that use them are an affront to followers of the Triad ( Torm, Tyr, and Illmater )
so, considering that the Paladin/Cleric and said PC wizard were allies... yeah.. he was pissed.
One from long ago:
If the very old red dragon is magically bound to let anyone pass that answers his riddle successfully, don't let the paladin piss the dragon off by answering the riddle before the dragon is done speaking the riddle. Especially when you're on a small floating island.
And when the paladin is tail-slapped off the island for his rudeness, ask yourself if you really want to jump off after him with your spare ring of feather-falling.
True, but the point is that all undead, and those that use them are an affront to followers of the Triad ( Torm, Tyr, and Illmater )
so, considering that the Paladin/Cleric and said PC wizard were allies... yeah.. he was pissed.
His own fault. If he wasn't so uptight, he'd have no reason to be pissed.
paladin + holy grt swrd = swrd up back end = uptight + breech of conduct = pissed off.
As a DM, I did something that my players didn't appreciate at first...
alchemical chocolates that cast Orgasmic Vibrations (book of erotic fantasy)..... ... first sampled by a virginal character....
.... in a market square, surrounded by strangers....
..and she's a screamer.
paladin + holy grt swrd = swrd up back end = uptight + breech of conduct = pissed off.
As a DM, I did something that my players didn't appreciate at first...
alchemical chocolates that cast Orgasmic Vibrations (book of erotic fantasy)..... ... first sampled by a virginal character........ in a market square, surrounded by strangers....
..and she's a screamer.
Oh. Well, now she knows what she's missing. Virtue in the face of nothing isn't that hard.
By the way, did she swallow that chocolate or spit it out?
By the way, did she swallow that chocolate or spit it out?
She Swallowed... every last bit! *grin*
Just a quick one. Two instruments I forgot to mention.
My Bard's instrument cannot be a Cello, or the Spoons.
Damn. I had that great idea about 4 bards with a cello each, each being the herald of one of the Four Horsemen. They could name themselves after the appocalypse or something. :)
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Damn. I had that great idea about 4 bards with a cello each, each being the herald of one of the Four Horsemen. They could name themselves after the appocalypse or something. :)Just a quick one. Two instruments I forgot to mention.
My Bard's instrument cannot be a Cello, or the Spoons.
To be fair, the only problem with the Cello was that it was ruled too difficult to play on the move. That, and I was playing a halfling trying to lug that thing around at the time. The Spoons were my response to "Choose a smaller instrument to play".
To be fair, the only problem with the Cello was that it was ruled too difficult to play on the move. That, and I was playing a halfling trying to lug that thing around at the time. The Spoons were my response to "Choose a smaller instrument to play".
That's racist!
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Heh, I don't deny I purposefully cause some of these problems. :D
Anyway...
I may not recite the DOOM song between turns.
Doomy, doomy doom.
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Cato, you will always have a place at my table. That is some of the funniest stuff I ever heard...
Heh, you should have heard my explanation to the DM and everyone else as to why I should be allowed to speak those languages.
"Yeah, you guys may laugh now, but just wait until we actually face a Beholder, and I surprise the hell out of him by greeting him in his native language! Wouldn't you rather we end up with a social encounter than having to save vs. disintegration?"
Edit: By the way, thanks. I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever in your neck of the woods... whereever your neck of the woods happens to be, that is.
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