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Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman with Eye On Springfield. Today I’m conducting a fond farewell interview with the iconic characters of Third Edition.
Krusk: Aren’t you that jerk who interviewed the beholder, the gnome and the tiefling?
Mialee: No, that was someone else.
Jozan: And he died twice already.
Gimble: I hear he’s taking the lichloved feat.
*silence*
Lidda: That is so gross.
Tordek: Shuttup Gimble, your gone anyway.
Mialee: No, he’s in the Monster Manual now.
Kent Brockman: So anyway, tell me a little about what you have in store for yourselves now that Fourth Edition is coming out.
Vadania: I’m going back to the wilderness.
Jozan: Going back? When did you leave? And besides, Greyhawk is done for!
Ember: Jozan, we’re on Earth remember.
Jozan: Are they getting rid of Pelor? I heard they put all the gods from all the campaign settings into a big can and shook it up to see who gets in the new setting.
Alhandra: Pelor is still there, Jozan. And as for all of this I’m fine to accept a job with National Security, but I would like someone to explain the contract. Didn’t we all have 10 year contracts? Does anyone understand this legal malarkey? Apparently some sale in 2000 had a clause that could terminate the contracts early?
Lidda: It’s the man, Alhandra.
Alhandra: Who?
Kent Brockman: Krusk, I hear they have something for you.
Krusk: Yes, I’m going to be on the new American Gladiators on NBC, Kent. But Wizard’s owns my name so I’m now Turbo Hammer.
Lidda: That sucks, I like my name.
Soveliss: Yeah, well you’re still lucky. You, Mialee, Jozan and Regdar were in that DVD movie Scourge of Worlds.
Regdar: It was a good endorsement but it’s not like we’re set up or anything.
Mialee: Well, Lidda and I invested wisely; we’re retiring to Bermuda and start to actually play the game.
Hennet: The new edition?
Lidda: Hell no nipple boy, we got a 3.5 campaign lined up.
Mialee: I’m DMing.
Gimble: Well, I’m going to apply at Paizo, word has it there will still be gnomes there.
Regdar: I tried applying for Pathfinder, but some guy named Valeros got the job.
Tordek: Yeah, he made out like a bandit, did you check out the three girls he’s adventuring with?
Ember: Well, Todd Lockwood and a few others still have need of good models with fine forms. We’ve been talking.
Tordek: Yeah, I got a job at Green Ronin.
Soveliss: I’m sticking around, there’s a customer service entry position available and I’m a whiz at Dreamblade.
*silence*
Kent Brockman: Well, I have to wrap this up folks. Any last comments?
Lidda: Where’s Nebin?
Jozan: He cut his hair and got some plastic surgery. He’s convinced he can reapply next year for the gnome PC in Player’s Handbook 2.
Hennett: Well, I’m going to Broadway. My sense of style would go great there.
Lidda: Or in San Fransisco.
Regdar: Actually I’m going to Bermuda too and join Mialee and Lidda’s campaign. I spent my Scorge of Worlds money on D&D miniatures but with the new edition I’ll sell them and make enough on Ebay to…
Mialee: Regdar, I’m running the damn game, I’ll pay for your ticket, just give me the miniatures.
Regdar: Sold! And the other 6 days of the week is sleeping under boardwalks and drinking ale!
Gimble: That’s great, the big four sticking together.
Jozan: No, I’m going to become a spiritual guide in Hollywood. I’m going to ensure the cast of Heroes stays pure.
Kent Brockman: Well, there you have it. Fear not for the beloved iconcs, they’ve survived countless adventures and grueling tests of courage for over 7 years and I’m sure they’ll have no problem adjusting to their new lives.
Alhandra: I still wish someone would still explain how they can cut our contracts short.
Lidda: Suck it up, ‘dra. It’s all about the new order, and the man. Just drop it and let’s go cash these severance checks!
All: Woo-hoo!
Gimble: You guys got severance checks?
-DM Jeff
Can we get Gimble, boss? I hear he's got Peform (shakuhachi)!
Can we get Gimble, boss? I hear he's got Peform (shakuhachi)!
He can't even say it!
I hear that the Playboy has made Lidda an offer. You know how it is with those stars whose big moment is over...
Gimble: Hey, Wait! You guys got severance checks? BROCKMAN!
Brockman: No...wait...not again!
Gimble: You know...My favored class is bard, and I have this spell from the Spell Compendium where I just say a word, and you make a fortitude save?
Brockman (Covering his ears...): Please...I...
Gimble: (Says word, spell goes off.)
Brockman twitches and falls over. Gimble starts looting him. "Hey, wait, fourth edition's taking over. I'm unaligned now. I can get away with this...Hmm...fifty dollars for the cheap suit, ten for the tie, I wonder how much the microphone is worth...