I get bouts of depression a few times a year. It’s noting major I just kind of power through it with discontent. I’m also bi-polar floating some where in-between type 1 and type 2. I not medicated, but I have been to doctors. I guess it’s just that time a year again, and was wondering if anyone else has this? I've heard a couple of people say things about depression on these boards, What do you do to kind of get through it?
Fizz
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Simply Simplify.
Behavioral techniques for dealing bi-polar disorder or depression are a good place to start. Rather than go into that in detail, it's probably easiest to think of it in a more general sense: You manage your environment you manage your behavior. (try learning anger management in a room of 30 screaming children breaking all your stuff...not going to happen)
So, the best thing is to simplify your environment. For example, get develop a daily routine, maybe even write it down in a check list format and make a few copies. Reading this you probably are thinking "thats silly". It is. But silly is simple and simple is a great place to start. Then DO that checklist. Daily.
For SEVERE bi-polar the checklist could be:
1) Get out of bed and shower
2) Get dressed
2) Feed Animals
3) Eat Breakfast
4) Go on 3 Mile walk/run
5) Straighten up house
etc.
It will help you get through "going through the motions". Better yet, It can serve as a brake during any manic episodes. When manic you may want to go shopping at the mall for nothing in particular, but as long as you haven't finished the daily tasks you tell yourself "nope, I can't go"
More importantly, discuss your condition with a trusted friend or relative. People are the biggest "environmental" factor in our lives. Buddies who want to go drinking with a bi-polar friend who is blue isn't helping you, not is a friend who wants to you to accompany them on a car buying expedition, you may end up with a car you didn't need!
All that said, when I feel blue, I usually start drawing a new campaign world. I have a handful of half-started worlds in a box. I've done it so often over the last 20 years I actually re-envision the same world world now. The maps always look surprisingly similar!
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I was diagnosed a few years ago with moderate/severe dysthymic depression. Basically, what that means is that every couple of months, I metamorphose into a sullen, misanthropic a#$**&$ for a few weeks. Aside from being rather heavily medicated, I've found that keeping myself busy is the best way to keep myself sane. Reading, posting, writing poetry, anything, really. Much of my best artwork is the product of some of my bouts of depression. Still, it's a bit dangerous, and one really needs to watch for signs of escalation and act on them.
By the way, the U.S. healthcare system can SUCK MY CANTELOUPE. It took sixteen years and three suicide attempts to figure out what the f@%~ was wrong with me. And then they proscribed the wrong medication. It turned me into a frickin' zombie, and I still had the SAME PROBLEMS AS BEFORE. Be sure to get a good doctor, or else you're up s#@@e crick.
Well I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type one by one doctor and type two by another. I’ve refused medication.
First: I’ve never been the going to doctor taking medication kind of person.
Second: I’ve seen what over, under, wrong medicated/medication can do so I’ve always be leery.
Third: I’ve never been crippled by it. I still function I just go through life in a zoned out state, feeling like crap, hating life, and being a bitter a#+@*~$. I have very hostile depression, and anger issues at times, but I’ve learned to go and be by myself when this happens.
Today just seemed to suck worse than usual.
Sorry to bit-ch about things
Fizz
There's no need to apologize. Depending on the characteristics of your condition, medication may or may not be the way to go. My sister has gone through multiple different medications to deal with her depression and related issues. I have a friend who has been diagnosed as bipolar, manic-depressive, obsessive-compulsive, schizophrenic, or some combination of those things by different doctors. Medication for her has been tough, since no one agrees on what is wrong with her and therefore medicating it is hit-or-miss. The lesson: as said before by TEMS, a good doctor is key.
I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and put on Paxil. I was in a continually good mood and probably a bit of a haze. Then someone stole some money from me. I got good and angry-for a day. Then the Paxil kicked in again. But I was aware that the stuff was interfering with my natural emotional state, and it stopped working so well after that. Probably due to my natural drug tolerance and heaping doses of adrenaline. I have since decided that I will not medicate my depression. My case is mild, I'm perfectly functional, I'm just not a happy cheery person very often. I don't call that an illness, I call it an aspect of my personality. I get through each day just fine. Admittedly, I am more devoted than most to the elusive things "that have to be done", but I don't lose sleep over it, so to speak.
*My advice: find something that cheers you up. Inane, I know, I apologize for it. For me, that's music. I've gotten some really odd looks wandering across campus singing about the end of the world, but hey, I like singing. Little things to make your days a little less aggravating help.
*Definitely not the advice of a medical professional, not meant to be patronizing.
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A few years back I had some bad anxiety troubles. I suffered what I guess I would call anger convulsions after a bad session on an online game (was a shooter, people weren't working together, just making things difficult for others). Shortly after I was in a constant state of anxiety. Constant. I went to the doctor about it, but they didn't really tell me what it was, they just wanted to prescribe Paxil. I declined (since you have to ween on to it then off again, no thanks), but took a prescription of Xanix for when the anxiety REALLY came back again. I only took 2 pills and got rid of the rest.
That was in 2001. Nothing really got better, at all. It's been a very slippery climb back to a sense of stability over the past 6 years. It had to do with being unhappy on the job and having relationships that I really wouldn't call "good". If anything, what it had most to do with was satisfying myself on the notion of being able to do certain things with my life, but not actually doing them. When the mind is forced to deal with what your life actually is and you're spending your time thinking about doing something else, the thread between them gets too thin. I guess mine snapped. I don't recommend it. It isn't fun.
So, since then I promised myself that if I'm in a situation I don't want to be in, I get out, regardless of anyone's protest. And if I'm interested in something, I actually pursue it instead of just thinking I can (my primary interest used to be making video games - in 1998 I sent out some demos and actually got a few interviews, but I needed more experience. Since then I didn't try very hard but still wanted to do it, which was the crux of my "want and have" separation of thought).
My situation isn't all that great right now either, but I'm much better planted in reality again, and the anxiety is mostly gone. And that's definitely good. I've dabbled in game programming and wrote a few things for myself that I actually make use of. It's a continuing work in progress. But at this point I don't see myself getting into the industry, and that's ok. At least I pursued my interest and got my answers.
Thanks for sharing, and I hope you're feeling better soon.
Well I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type one by one doctor and type two by another. I’ve refused medication.
First: I’ve never been the going to doctor taking medication kind of person.
Second: I’ve seen what over, under, wrong medicated/medication can do so I’ve always be leery.
Third: I’ve never been crippled by it. I still function I just go through life in a zoned out state, feeling like crap, hating life, and being a bitter a!~%#~~. I have very hostile depression, and anger issues at times, but I’ve learned to go and be by myself when this happens.
Today just seemed to suck worse than usual.
Sorry to bit-ch about things
Fizz
I know exactly how you feel, man. You are not alone. There are some days I get up and just want to torch my apartment with me in it. Some days I just don't get up. Others I am a chipper cheerful free for all.
I find, like the above poster says, keeping busy is key. As my mother said to me once: "If you clean up your space while your depressed, at least when you get done being depressed, your space is clean."
It works. A lot of times I reach out to friends I know I can count on or try taking a walk in the fresh air. Anything to change the pattern. The ironic thing is I am not an unhappy person. I have to remind myself that 75% of the time I am the life of the party and quick with a joke or an encouraging word. When I can mentally picture that version of me, it often gives me the power to break out of the "rut" for lack of a better word.
In the words of Special Agent Dale Cooper: "Give yourself a present every day. It could be something as simple as a nap in an easy chair, a cup of perfect black coffee, or something extravagant". this helps too, I've found.
In serious cases, layman's advice like mine and that of other posters should definitely be put aside in favor of professional medical or psychological advice (I don't believe in happy drugs either) but in most cases doing these things can seriously help to break the patterns that cause the depressive thinking and inertia. Best of, my friend and be well. Sometimes it is just a matter of pulling up the blinds and letting some sun in.
Posting here is a sort of therapy all its own.
Has anyone considered talking to a counselor or therapist? I had a good friend who dealt with depression and anxiety for a number of years and the medication didn't really help (it made him feel better but not great and it never solved anything since when he stopped taking it he felt even worse). It wasn't until he stopped taking the medication (almost got addicted to the stuff) and joined the military that he started dealing with the things that were bothering him and has gotten better. I've never had any real problems with depression myself but from everyone I know who has dealt with this the medication only made things worse (a couple of them ended up in rehab because they became addicted to the meds).
I don't know your situations but I think you are on the right paths with trying to deal with or fix the problems then just medicate them. I just don't think it is smart to screw around with your body chemistry the way those medications do.
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I spoke to two therapists, actually. One seemed to focus on the concept of responsibility (as I spoke about the kinds of things other people did to me or how they treated me, and how they didn't treat me). I think his primary point was that I was accepting problems that weren't really mine. They were someone else's.
The other therapist took a more religious approach, but he didn't really help me. I'm sure there are some very helpful therapists that take a religious approach, but it really seems hit and miss to me. The church I attended had its own internal political tensions, so I left. There's too much mess in it. Surprisingly there's an interesting parallel in that. The ones who claimed to be most devoted were the ones who put the central figure on the cross. But I digress.
Recentering yourself isn't helped at all by the fact that there are SO many people in the world who are so willing to make their issues everyone else's problem (or rather, whoever will let them). Stay away from those people, and don't be one.
Would anyone else care to share experiences on drug effects? I am considering going on medication but I am fearful of side effects. I have not seen a psychiatrist for an evaluation but my (non-MD) therapist and I agree that I am not getting any better from my current course of action.
Thanks
Well I've had family members that were medicated for one reason or another, and honestly they didn't seem the same.
They where zoned out, zombies
They slept alot
Their personalities were gone or totally different
Engery drained
more moody
worst case some drugs can make you more suicidal
I have a big, huge, fear of mood altering medication, and I know with mood altering drugs it's alot of guess work. Everyones different some things work, some don't, some make it worse. Some can effect your health. I know schizophrenia medication can guess you the symptoms of parkinsons.
Fizz
Some things that can help with depression:
1) Start an exercise routine (if you don't already have one) - going for a long walk at the same time every day, or anything else that gets you up and moving, can help a lot.
2) Someone mentioned breathing. It's no joke. Breathing exercises can help trigger mood changes.
3) Avoid things that make you depressed. Okay, that sounds pretty stupid - but for example, all the negative 4th edition threads have been making me pretty upset recently, and I've had to stop reading them. I just forbade myself to look at them (and figured out that if I browse the front page of EnWorld, with its news-format but no commentary, I can keep up with what's going on without joining everyone else's death spiral of despair over the changes they don't like).
4) Come up with some events that you can forward to. Create them as needed. They don't need to be big thinks - it's probably better if they're smaller and more frequent. For example, schedule a lunch with some friends each week, or think about your next D&D game session, or maybe it's even as basic as coming home to your pet dog each day (or whatever). Actively remind yourself of it; encourage yourself to substitute thoughts of looking forward to it, rather than being depressed about (whatever else).
Medication isn't always worth avoiding. If you're doing okay without it, great - but if it ever seems like things are just getting worse, or you're really struggling and you don't have the energy to face your day anymore, it may be worth a try.
LONG STORY:
I've been diagnosed with OCD and also with an anxiety disorder. The OCD is mild enough that it's only sometimes "diagnosable" (that is, most of the time, I probably wouldn't quite qualify for the diagnosis). The anxiety only developed in the past few years, and became quite severe before I got it dealt with (crying fits at work, panic attacks, making myself sick enough that I had to go to the emergency room, thousands of dollars worth of diagnostics over several months for stomach-related stuff that turned out to be triggered by the anxiety).
I have atypical responses to the usual categories of anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications. This was only figured out after I tried several of those related medications, and had reactions ranging from super-charged anxiety to suicidal impulses. (I could tell within a few days, in every case, that the medication wasn't helping me.)
So then I went to a real diagnostician/psychiatrist, and he figured out the pattern of responses I'd had, rejected all the medications that mess with Seratonin levels, and put me on the medication I use now (Remeron). I could tell the difference within a day or two. It was like I was suddenly me again, and I hadn't realized just how not-me I'd been - for years. I've been on Remeron for almost a year now, and I'm very happy with it.
I still have higher anxiety levels than "average," I suppose. I take the lowest possible dose that maintains the effectiveness, because the one side effect of Remeron is it makes you hungry (all the time - when I was at a higher dose, I'd find myself eating something without making any conscious decision to go get food), and I can't afford to gain any more weight. I also have some tricks I've learned (e.g. interrupting "bad" thoughts with a silent, or a spoken, "NO"). And I'm resigned to the fact that I'll be taking Remeron for the foreseeable future.
On the other hand, the best "side effect" of being on the right medication is that some bad thought-habits that I've developed over years of being anxious are gradually undoing themselves. For example, I've been phobic about bugs my whole life - see bug, scream, can't get near it, can't crush it, can't get around it to escape the area. If it's already dead, I can't clean it up because I can't touch it, even with a broom. True phobia. The other day, a big beetle-thing was crawling across the floor of my cube at work, and before I knew what I was doing, I stomped on it with my shoe. Then, still marveling at my new-found courage, I grabbed a couple of tissues, PICKED UP the dead bug (and felt it crunch in between my fingers), and tossed it into the trash. I couldn't have done that a few months ago.
A good psychiatrist won't just medicate you because it's easy, he'll work with you to determine if medication is the right thing. He'll be able to answer questions about how likely various side effects are, and he'll want you back in for follow-up not too long after trying a new medication, to watch for problematic side effects.
One thing to be aware of with anti-depressants: the newest ones have shorter ramp-up times, and correspondingly shorter ramp-down times, but that can actually be a bad thing, because it takes a very short time indeed for some people to become dependent on those short-ramp-up medicines - even when the "official" info is that those anti-depressants don't cause dependency. There've been some interesting news stories about this in the past year or so. Find a prescriber who is on top of the latest research and who is willing to discuss your concerns with you - if they aren't capable of this, it's better to find someone else.
I don't think I have clinical depression or anything like that, but irregularly about once every month or two I get seriously depressed. I get some minor depressions every once in a while, but they're hardly noticable. Mostly when I get depressed I am just antisocial and apathetic (during the big ones I tend to lie there and stare at a fixed point for hours, usually a pointy object). I don't see anyone for it, I really just think a therapist would make me angry (see antisocial), so I'm trying to sort through it myself. What I find helps in the smaller cases is listening to depressing or angry music; for some reason that cheers me up, I know it sounds backwards but it helps. I'm getting the serious depressions less, so I think whatever I'm doing is working.
You're not alone. I spent over six years on medication for my bi-polar disorder. Eventually the medications started to have diminishing effect, until the side effects became worse than the disorder and i gave up on the medication.
All that means is that the meds only really worked for me in the beginning - some people become perfectly stable and happy on meds. I was not one of them.
Fortunately, my university required a mixture of therapy and medication... and I did have at least one good therapist. What I learned from him was to take the time to really figure out what things worked to cheer me up and not to hesitate to do them IMMEDIATELY when I felt the depressive coming on. That advice was worth twice what the medications ever did for me, and it is still one of my most effective coping strategies for living with my illness.
But I do understand how crappy the crappy days can get, and I hope it gets better for you soon.
- Ashavan
Also, I will note, while on meds I couldn't write at all - I had no inspiration. That was a bigger factor than the massive negative impact they were having on me in terms of me going off the meds.
I couldn't bear the fact anymore that I hadn't written a poem in six years... or that I couldn't piece together a plot for a story.
Anyway...
- Ashavan
Also, I will note, while on meds I couldn't write at all - I had no inspiration. That was a bigger factor than the massive negative impact they were having on me in terms of me going off the meds.
I couldn't bear the fact anymore that I hadn't written a poem in six years... or that I couldn't piece together a plot for a story.
Anyway...
- Ashavan
Ow, now THAT'S an undesired side-effect. After my run-in with Paxil, I decided that mood-altering meds aren't for me. I'll alter my mood old-school style by doing something that will definitely make me feel better. Not being able to write, that's something I can't imagine . . . *shudder*
You are not alone. Depression runs in my family and I am sure that I have more than a touch of it myself. I know my ex-has some mental disorders too. Mdication may help, but as always, be careful. Accepting the issue is the most important step as far as I am concerend. Otherwise, you will not be able to deal with it. Good luck everyone.
Depression runs in my family as well and I've suffered with it for as long as I can remember. I've been working on getting better, though. I've only half heartedly tried to go to therapy and have never been on pills. But, my father and mother are so well versed in the disease that they help a lot. Also, somewhat strangely, I have found that Buddhism as a philosophy helps me a lot. The simplicity and frankness of the Buddha's and others' words help me through really tough days.
Posting here is a sort of therapy all its own.
Yeah, it really is. Not only are the people that post here wonderful to talk to and incrediably supportive, as well as intelligent and varied and all sorts of other positive adjectives, the act of posting slightly anonymously helps me a great deal. It seems easier to write whatever one is feeling that actually saying them and the semi-anonyminty (sp?) is wonderfully liberating.
I'm glad we are here for each other.
Sometimes I wonder how much soma we can take as a society? Were suicide rates so much higher a hundred years ago? Are they higher in refugee camps in Africa?
Background time: I was diagnosed (correctly) as suicidally depressed at about age 7 or so. And they where right. Hanging was my thing. It's just erie to image a preteen hanging themselves but there it was in my mind from time to time. Alas for you folks and many others I'm not very good at being suicidal.
I had broken my last therapist by age 13 or so. Therapist lady: "You wanna talk about your feelings?" Me: "Why? Do you?" Therapists are wierd. Many get into the business to sort out their own problems. I figure the voices in my head about as good and don't cost as much.
The things that get me through the day in are many and varied. Having a bad day? Think about that guy in the war zone who's whole family has been killed by stray gunfire, car bombs, and "independant contractors." Maybe he's missing a limb and part of his face too. But he's not dead. He might not even be thinking about it. Think about that homeless guy who hasn't had a bath or shave in a year. Do you think he want's to be that way? Do you think he likes his "job"? You whomever you are (and I) probably at least have access to computer, right? Eyes to read. A roof to dwell under most of the time. Food to eat. A friend or two. But there are people who don't and they don't just crawl into the corner and die. They continue on.
On that score there's very little quit left in me. I can accept being beaten (though not usually graciously), but giving up is the quitter's way out. Set a reasonable goal and make it happen or die trying. Well, so far it's worked for me.
The grass is always bleaker on the other side,
GGG
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Also, I will note, while on meds I couldn't write at all - I had no inspiration. That was a bigger factor than the massive negative impact they were having on me in terms of me going off the meds.
I couldn't bear the fact anymore that I hadn't written a poem in six years... or that I couldn't piece together a plot for a story.
Anyway...
- Ashavan
After a particularly bad episode when I ws sixteen, my (then) doctor gave me a prescription for lithium. Yes, that lithium. Atomic number 3, least dense soid element, Li, you know. I couldn't think, my creativity was dead, and I could barely form sentences. After a month of pickling in this dreck, I found out that it can cause cancer, brain damage, and even death. I burned the whole bottle. Then I got a new doctor.
They recommened lithium for me...see my fear?
I have been told I have self-destructive behavior.
ironic?
Fizz
A young Sir Kaikillah, lost his girlfriend was facing 3 years in jail, high on Crack a lot of times (yes I mean CRACK the real deal) wanted to kill himself. But for me I remember how it would hurt my mother and family. My father once told me back in those wierd wild and BADD times, he would rather see me in jail than in a grave. I'm still here. NO doctor has diagnosed me as self destructive, but all through my life people have told me that. I have ruined relationships, drank to excess, spent day after day for years high on pot, get in fights, ruined jobs I was doing well (I say I get bored then self destruct in the work enviroment). I still play chicken with cars as a pedestrian, I surf big dangerous waves, hike along treacherous cliffs, skate board in traffic downhill, just stupid dangerous stuff. I still get urges to drive into oncoming traffic. Why I have no idea. Just remember poeple do care, even us on these message boards.
Where with you Fizzban.
They recommened lithium for me...see my fear?
I have been told I have self-destructive behavior.
ironic?
Fizz
My sister is on it, along with something else (Welbutrin? Don't remember). It's potent, it's life-changing even. But your caution is well-advised. She's not particularly functional w/o it.
After a particularly bad episode when I ws sixteen, my (then) doctor gave me a prescription for lithium. Yes, that lithium. Atomic number 3, least dense soid element, Li, you know. I couldn't think, my creativity was dead, and I could barely form sentences. After a month of pickling in this dreck, I found out that it can cause cancer, brain damage, and even death. I burned the whole bottle. Then I got a new doctor.Also, I will note, while on meds I couldn't write at all - I had no inspiration. That was a bigger factor than the massive negative impact they were having on me in terms of me going off the meds.
I couldn't bear the fact anymore that I hadn't written a poem in six years... or that I couldn't piece together a plot for a story.
Anyway...
- Ashavan
Lithium for all its quirks was a miracle drug for manic-depressive disorder for a long time. Of course, I doubt they give most people the thorough understanding of the dangers of the drug that I insisted on from my doctor. It's a sobering thought to realize that I voluntarily went on a drug whose toxicity side effects include coma, seizures, and death. Even more sobering when you remember that Lithium is a salt, the toxic level is often just above the treatment level, and that as a salt you can end up with lithium poisoning relatively easily by getting even mildly dehydrated.
A month is nothing... I was on lithium for SIX YEARS as part of my drug regimen for my illness. When I went on it, I needed it. But I still have trouble even remembering those six years - and it stopped really helping after one and half.
Damned doctors. I know there are good ones out there, but I will *never* trust a doctor again, ever.
- Ashavan
My sister is on it, along with something else (Welbutrin? Don't remember). It's potent, it's life-changing even. But your caution is well-advised. She's not particularly functional w/o it.They recommened lithium for me...see my fear?
I have been told I have self-destructive behavior.
ironic?
Fizz
Lithium is normally paired with at least one anti-depressant. Welbutrin would seem an odd choice to me though. My memory was always a bit fuzzy while on lithium, and welbutrin, as I recall, relies on being taken on a very specific schedule. On the other hand, they typically chose the anti-depressant based on what works well for the patient.... I must have gone through at least a half-dozen before they found the first one that sorta worked, and another half-dozen or more before they found a second one. Gah. They had me on way too many meds back then.
- Ashavan
I get bouts of depression a few times a year. It’s noting major I just kind of power through it with discontent. I’m also bi-polar floating some where in-between type 1 and type 2. I not medicated, but I have been to doctors. I guess it’s just that time a year again, and was wondering if anyone else has this? I've heard a couple of people say things about depression on these boards, What do you do to kind of get through it?Fizz
I've been depressed off and on for the past year and a half since graduating college. Depression runs in my family and I was good friends with a bi polar guy in college. I have yet to discover a good way of getting thru depression; the best I can do is to enjoy the little things and accept the rest as a part of life.
I head butted a closed door off the hinges in my basement two years ago when I heard a friend had said something untrue about me. I go way up, and way down but I don't subscribe to medication. I've found ways to exhibit behavioral controls that reel me back in before I do serious damage. For me, a big step one was developing some sense of humility later in life. Saying, "Get over your dumb ass. You'll be dead soon enough and none of this will matter."
Questioning my own reality has had a major effect. Your brain tells you something is a big deal deserving righteous outrage, but is it really? Making my worst situations the butt of my best jokes has helped me immeasureably.
If pills are the way many of you deal, I certainly don't hold it against you. But like so many fans of hard drugs in the 60's my mother was equally adoring of psychotropic "medication" in the late nineties, at which time she went from being vibrant and alive to a lumbering ox incapable of remembering any of the details of her only child's life. She became a zombie and I saw nothing in her I recognized. But that's what she wanted, a hole to climb into, and excuse to not have a job after a hardworking lifetime of fruitless struggle. I understand that feeling all too well, but I simply refuse to let it roost long enough to feel familiar.
"I thank God for my doctor," she told me.
I replied, "You mean your pusher. If I met that guy on the street I'd beat him until he sh!t his heart out."
She had a bit of a prescription cocktail going between the lithium and all those other fun little pills. Fistfuls of five at a time, I recall. I told her that stuff would kill her. Family doesn't listen to family. She died two years later, at age 52. Occult coronary was written on the death certificate but the doctors never actually autopsied her. So far as they really knew, her body simply stopped living.
Here's a poem I wrote in 2002:
You Can’t Help Me With This
It isn’t a totem pole of baleful brain chemical visages
Sometimes it’s just the Tuesday that gets me this limbo-with-me low
A society of winged monkeys on Crone’s orders
A smiling Lerner and Lowe musical with horror script lyrics
Amazing how werewolves can so closely resemble
Philosophers and statesmen by the full moonlight
Then the deer screen tips over from their heavy breathing
And I see daggers or swollen body parts in hand as they step toward me
Are you all on a mad hunt for my last drop or squirt?
Who would’ve thought I’d have been born so freakishly tasty?
My closet has the worst monsters with the best of memory
Pink elephants who never forget a good reason to collapse in shame
I wish I had tusks slathered in an eye blinding sheen of curare
I’d plague the masses with depopulating swings of my vinyl solution
I’d trumpet in futile revolutions for a dying rock in widening orbit
John Malthus would cheer me from the ivory towers carved into my tips
At least lower your head and hum the parts of the dirge you can remember
Backyard thinkers so smugly certain it will all take care of itself
But the cutting room floor hunts me down with bronze shod spear
Prometheus had a divine lip smacking chopped liver, maybe he’d understand
Bound by the wrists in sun-shrinking cloth manacles
Chest sizzles brown, a call to the carnivores
This is not cyclical, this is not dramatic license
I can drive myself to Plath’s garden without aspect of audience
This is the Atlantic leeched dry to form grander of canyons
This is as clear as the glass that separates us from our potential
This is a campaign I was trained for but not truly allowed to participate in
A warrior in peacetime has nothing left to fight and so turns on himself
You think you’re here to uplift but you only lift me into the spike overhead
Finally brought down through my baby soft spot and an unfed unaware friend!
c. Rone Barton 2002
My sister is on it, along with something else (Welbutrin? Don't remember). It's potent, it's life-changing even. But your caution is well-advised. She's not particularly functional w/o it.They recommened lithium for me...see my fear?
I have been told I have self-destructive behavior.
ironic?
Fizz
From what I have understood, it is pretty hard to recommend any mind-altering medications as they can have totally different effects for different people, so I guess mostly it is just "let's see if this one works, oh, it didn't, let's try that one".
The only medicine I have taken was in one test I did as a student for fast buck, where I took a dose of...Cipromil, I think? Side effect: didn't sleep more than 2-3 hours per night for about two weeks...I have couple of friends who are on medication, and it seems to be at least some help (one of them did have serious "wooden doll" phase but change of medication helped that).
I have occasional bouts of depression for days or weeks, maybe enough to get diagnosed should I go to see a doctor or someone...so far I have always managed to rise up in the morning and go through the motions of the day, but motivation to do anything comes and goes. Best thing so far is indeed to wait and let it go on its own.
Music helps, though indeed I need it to be angry or sad music...cheerful music is just poison then. Also going out to have a pint with friends helps, though the big problem is being able to drag myself to go have that pint...
Thinking about people who have it worse does not help me, that usually gives only a side order of guilt. It's very "I life in free-market democracy, I don't have right to be unhappy".
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Paxil makes me hallucinate, bad.
My cocktail of Wellbutrin for the depression and Zoloft for the social anxiety disorder seems to keep me on an even keel.
Of course I'm so frakking massive that my wellbutrin skirts near the seizure level. In lieu of medicine, try to find the stressors in your life and distance yourself from them.
I understand the depression and pain thing all too well. family and honour are all that kept me from driving into a wall at 80+ MPH.
I'm on an even keel, even writing again, a little. New job, better person. And next month i'm going to have my mostly ex served, life is better.
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Paxil makes me hallucinate, bad.
That reminds me. I met a small-time journalist while visiting my aunt in California. the journalist (I forget his name) had been on Ambien sleep medication for two weeks. He described the drug as "how to lose your mind in ten milligrams." It had given him horrible, frightening hallucinations, including a demonic version of Emmanuel Lewis telling him to kill himself in order to sate the anger of the Cupcake People. Nasty stuff. It didn't even help him sleep better.
Paxil makes me hallucinate, bad.That reminds me. I met a small-time journalist while visiting my aunt in California. the journalist (I forget his name) had been on Ambien sleep medication for two weeks. He described the drug as "how to lose your mind in ten milligrams." It had given him horrible, frightening hallucinations, including a demonic version of Emmanuel Lewis telling him to kill himself in order to sate the anger of the Cupcake People. Nasty stuff. It didn't even help him sleep better.
I had a couple of employees who were on Paxil and Ambien, and they never mentioned hallucinations, but that Emmanuel Lewis demon dealio takes the cake. (er, cupcake?)
I can't imagine my imagination empowered with the ability to hallucinate. What a theme park this skull would become.
I get depressed when I see a paladin.
--KC, Master of Depression
I get depressed when I see a paladin.
--KC, Master of Depression
~stomp! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!~
And stay down! ~grins~
As for the rest of you! ~gives everyone a hug~ There are people here who do care. And I know I appreciate the fact that you all care about me. ~gets a paranoid look~ Or is it just my hoard you all care about? ~runs off to hide my loot~
I just think it's amazing that we can all talk about this on the Paizo boards with as much sensitivity and true kindness that every poster has shown. Paizo Community: you are the sh*t!
~peeks around to make sure no one is hunting me or afterr my hoard~ Thanks. I figure that most people here are mature individuals who will treat me decent and who deserve to be treated decent too.
~hides again while planning where to hide my hoard and what booby traps to place~
Like Sir K I used to drink A LOT when I was younger, and was high on pot every day for a couple of years. I also took a lot of acid. Looking back now I can hardly believe that delusional boy was me, but I guess you have to learn your lesson somehow.
I dropped out of university and was diagnosed with clinical depression during this period but I think it was mainly due to my drug and alcohol problem, which for a start I didn't see as a problem. I've never been suicidal - depression made me aggressive and constantly angry. I guess to put it simply I wasn't so sad I wanted to die; I was so angry I wanted the world to die.
I was briefly on medication but it changed my personality quite severely so I stopped taking them. The thing that saved me was my will to live. I began to fear that I would die in my 20s from drugs and I wanted to see what it was like to be old. So I went cold turkey on everything, lost many of my friends, and slowly rebuilt myself.
I still get what therapists call "universalized anger." I become furious with the state of the world and sometimes cry with rage when I see the news. When I get to this stage I sort of wake up to myself and say "OK this is silly just focus on your little life and the people you love."
Actually that's it really - having people to love is what controls my depression. People loving me is not enough.