Campaign Journals

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I got this idea from the Running Gags thread, but some great lines don't quite make great running jokes. We've had some good ones recently, all in the Shackled City AP:

1. In SCAP, Module 2, vs Tongueeater. The fighter is getting wasted, and the cleric wants to try and talk the monster down. In homage to Pulp Fiction, the fighter says to the cleric, "Pretty please, with sugar on top, kill the $@#*ing monster."

2. Same encounter. The rogue is circling behind Tongueeater for a better shot. The fighter encourages the rogue to move in and flank Tongueeater. The rogue replies, "The hell with you, that thing could kill me!"

3. SCAP, Module 2, the ruins. The fighter seizes an opportunity for a cleave attempt in a hallway. His first mark is a thug brought down to about 1/2 HP by the cleric in a previous round. The cleric complains, "Hey, I want to kill that guy." The fighter responds, "Do I try to upstage you when you're healing?"

I can't think of any others right off the bat. Anyone else have any really memorable zingers that haven't quite appeared over and over again but are part of your table lore nonetheless?

The best one from last week was,

"Okay, now I put my clothes back on."

(best left out of context)

The second best was my own comment after noticing that the cleric in the party was perplexed by the baby, young child, grizzled wolf, and two chickens that was now staying with the party in their diplomatic hostelry.

"You guys sure make some strange impulse buys."

I always seem to be the butt of the most memorable one-liners. . . Chairborne is describing my Cleric, who maxed out his ranks in Diplomacy. Just last night, a Huge elemental creature rears up from some hot springs. We gird outserlves for combat, and what do I hear?

Jay: "So, you gonna try to talk to it, Dinoskepsi?"

Here are some more that I can think of right now.

"Where's Marco?" "Oh him? Don't worry about him, he's a brain slurpy."

"Come into the warm glow of Doriel's embracing warm glow."

"THIS. . . calls for some pants."

"That is for me to know, and for you not to know."

"My gracious majesty, lord and protector, we have come before you. . . and *hand waves around* all that stuff. . . I can't do this. He's an idiot."

"It's so cute. . . Elynia grabs one of the giant maggots and put it in her bag."

As Liz's character is drowning: "I've never been killed like this before. Last time, I just got my throat ripped out."

All of my best player (and DM) quotes wind up as the titles for that week's game summary:

*Read them here*
* ...andhere*

This is the full collection!


"I ran into a couple of Ogres...They slapped me around and called me Susan"

"Don't look back" Said to a fellow character fleeing the Moathouse in T1 after being blinded by Larith the Beautiful
"I can't." was the response.

"I stick my fingers up his nose and cast 'Magic Missile'"

"If he wakes up before I'm through, I'm eating his face"

"Spit that out you don't know where it has been...oh, I guess you do know where it's been...carry on"

“If you want to pass you must show me the seal”
Player then barks and claps hands together like a circus seal…”But if you want me to balance a ball you have to pay extra”

DM spell of poor rolling verbal component
DM: “I don’t know. Roll a d20 and just don’t roll a one”

How one group of PCs became outlaws…
"No witnesses!" yelled by the party mage just prior to casting a 'Fireball' into a tavern full of innocent civilians, following the accidental killing of a commoner in the tavern by the party fighter/rogue and his max damage critical hit/surprise attack that caught the fellow by surprise. "Good gawd man. Sure he was a jerk and hitting on your girlfriend, but you hit him for 35 points of damage, and he only had 3 hit points. He literally vaporizes from the blow of your gauntleted fist covering all those within 10 feet in a fine crimson mist.”

ASEO out

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My personal favs from my campaign:

I feel left out.
Have you seen my thunderlance? (Spin off from Andromeda - have you seen my force lance?)
Bring it on, little girly man.

From AoW, The Whispering Cairn, while facing the brown mold:

"I guess fire isn't the answer to everything..."

DM: "The door before you is rotten and barley hanging on its hinges. "Keep Out" is written slopply on it in what looks to be dried blood, and there is a loud scraping noise as if something metalic is being dragged along the floor, eminating from beyond the rotten portal. What do you do?"

Player: "I press "Save Game" and kick in the door!"

ASEO out

"Ok, so we're now all given the honorary rank of "private"? So like, Rob's character would be called "Private Beshkit"? I officially choose my last name to be "parts"."

ASEO wrote:

DM: "The door before you is rotten and barley hanging on its hinges. "Keep Out" is written slopply on it in what looks to be dried blood, and there is a loud scraping noise as if something metalic is being dragged along the floor, eminating from beyond the rotten portal. What do you do?"

Player: "I press "Save Game" and kick in the door!"

ASEO out

Funny you say that. I recall in one of the campaigns that I had either DMed or played in, someone said that exact same thing!


WaterdhavianFlapjack wrote:

Funny you say that. I recall in one of the campaigns that I had either DMed or played in, someone said that exact same thing!

You ever play in Howard AFB Panama, Panama City Florida, Raleigh North Carolina, Oklahoma City Oklahoma, or a middle eastern combat zone? We may have been at the same game.

ASEO out

An exchange near the gates of Sharn between Heisu the druid and Bloodhawke the gnoll.

"Who are you, what are you, and what is your name?"

"I'm a druid from Eldeen. My name is Heisu."

"And I am the Bloodhawke. I'm a cut-throat, highwayman, and murderer. Keep movin', ye lousy treehugger."

There is a running joke in the group in which we ritualisticly taunt the paladin Saint Laucian Lighthand about his actions in Amuran. In which he killed five town guards. Amd ten children. And four weaverwomen. And three clerics of pelor. And broke a six-year old girl's legs. And cripples her for life. And destroyed her entire family. And toppled a church of pelor. And stole the girl's bauble. Which was the Gold Dragon Orb. And delivered it into the hands of a notorious Blackguard. And attacked eight members of the order of Heironious. And had to be saved by a pixie. There is a reason he is not a saint in Amuran.

"Sweet! I just made the rock vomit! Gods bless you, mushroom men!"

An exchange between a kobold and a mindbender.

"I am the mighty Sjachixen Caexoth. Fear me. We shall go into the forest, and you shall give me food."

"You're a kobold. I'm being kidnapped by a freakin' kobold."

"I am skilled in the arts of... ninjitsu."

DM: "you walk into a room and there is a chest what do you do?"
Player: "i open the chest"
DM: "you find a key"
Player: "a key to where?"
DM: "TO HELL!!!HAHAHAHAH now get out"

my roomates lil bro wanted to get these people out of his house cause they were annoying him lol

Some memorable one-liners of my campain usually involve at least one PC dying---and it's not my fault.

Wizard: I cast Bull Strength on the kobold.
Fighter: What the hell for?!
Wizard: I'm board.
Fighter: I attack the wizard for his treachery!
(fight breaks out, fighter dies)
Kobold: Thank you for saving me elf.
Wizard: Yeah yeah. I crap in the fighter's mouth.

Check out the Terrible Revenge of Roungouze Haballanter thread for a few good one liners.

Other great one liners from my campaign include

"Banditry? They're just bandits, right?"

After they fight the bandits

"Ring of TREANT CONTROL? YOU !@#$$%$#!@!"

Bandit-tree. (Snicker)

PC hires a wizard to summon a Pit Fiend to get information. Conversation ensues, and turns towards the concept of magic.

PC: My party has very powerful wizards, you don't want to make them angry.

Pit Fiend: I, too, have powerful magic.

PC: I am certain it is very powerful, but our magic is superior.

Pit Fiend: Would you like to see some Pit Fiend Magic?

PC: Sure!

The pit fiend granted his wish. The PC was now a Pit Fiend, under his control.

To this day, the manipulated pit fiend roams my Forgotten Realms, wreaking havoc and doing evil.

ASEO wrote:

DM: "The door before you is rotten and barley hanging on its hinges. "Keep Out" is written slopply on it in what looks to be dried blood, and there is a loud scraping noise as if something metalic is being dragged along the floor, eminating from beyond the rotten portal. What do you do?"

Player: "I press "Save Game" and kick in the door!"

ASEO out

I get this one often as well. damn computer games!!! How can it be roleplaying if there are no dice to roll.

Lantern Lodge

This is an old one so the details are limited, but I still like it.

So are group consist of of a Dwarf rouge, a Half-Orc Druid, A female Human cleric, a Human fighter, and an elven wizard. Over the Many adventures The Dwarf was always commenting in extremes to his companions. In good times he would shower them with praise, in bad he would curse the them quite colorfully.
So cut to one specific adventure where the had just taken down a purple worm. The Dwarf is obviously in a good mood and he slaps the cleric on the butt. The cleric being the edicit-incarnate, gets very upset and starts to chew out the dwarf. The dwarf merly shrugs and says
"I would have slaped ya' on the shoulder lass, but it just a wee bit outta' my reach."

some other oldys but goodys,
(DM roleplaying a newly discoverd orc prince)"I swear as prince of my people I shall wage a war in your name that shall flood there land with blood for ten generations!"
(Players, after just relizing they started world war 3)
"...wait, what?"

and also...
"The miget zaps you"

ASEO wrote:
WaterdhavianFlapjack wrote:

Funny you say that. I recall in one of the campaigns that I had either DMed or played in, someone said that exact same thing!

You ever play in Howard AFB Panama, Panama City Florida, Raleigh North Carolina, Oklahoma City Oklahoma, or a middle eastern combat zone? We may have been at the same game.

ASEO out

Nope, sorry. All Bay Area for me, baby!


Here's one that happened last Saturday, so I thought it would be good to post it. The thief, the only girl player and character in our group had just leveled up, and decided to take a level of wizard, even though we had a wizard in our group. Cut to game table right after she announces this.
Wizard: What the hell are you doing that for?! Stick with thief for Sheba's sake!
Thief: But if we encounter a monster with a high AC, I can just magic missile it. Or if there's lots of monsters, I can cast sleep.
Wizard: I can do all those things, and more!
Thief: But that would mean you were the only one who could really do anything against Cthulhu.
Wizard: Cthulhu is in an entirely different game! He isn't going to drop down on us form out of the sky!
Thief: But we just got through fighting dimensional shamblers! And there was even a Shoggoth!
DM: Okay, once you level up, you will be attacked by three orcs and a Mi-Go.
Thief: I told you!

This one is Greg Vaughan's fault...

"So the Meat Puppet skin slaps me?"

"It's a Forsaken Shell (See Lebris Mortis) not a Meat Puppet"

"And it skin slaps me?"

"Um...well... yeah."

"I feel so dirty".

ASEO out

"Famous last words"

Ranger to the Dwarf: "Yeah, so if yer wearing Stoneskin, you not take any damage from the landing..."

Mage casts Stoneskin on the Dwarf, Dwarf gets into catapult and gets launched into the air in an attempt to get him over the ramparts of the keep...

Orc crossbowman on the rampart: "I wonder if he has Stoneskin? Awe hell...I'll take a shot anyway..."

(Sidenote: DM was using the rule that Stoneskin works for one instance of damage. In this case, the Orc's shot was successful, broke the Stoneskin and the Dwarf was latter scraped off the floor of the entry way by the keep's drudges.)


"Live or die, you decide..."

"If there's a wall here, shouldn't we be on the other side?"

"If I line my backpack with candle wax, will it hold water? Can I keep the fish alive in there?"

...and my favorite tirade, from the party's female gnome thief after a Battle That Went Terribly Wrong:

"You two [the barbarian twins] need to stop rushing in with battle cries every time we get the drop on something; sometimes you've got to BE QUIET! And you [the not-very-physically-imposing cleric] need to stop playing warrior; if your ass gets fried, who's going to heal mine? And you [the somewhat rabid sorcerer] can't be throwing fireballs and lightning bolts into the middle of where some of us are fighting. Now I'm going to search the ettin for treasure. Someone get the dwarf out of the tree.

Sovereign Court

Kaanyr Vhok the half-demon overlord's reply to the Paladin of Lathander who was charging ahead out of nowhere without the rest of the party and screaming "Die Evil One!":
"Gentlemen(to his two dozen Tanarukka Bodyguards)this is the latest hero of the Realms. Rip his arms off while i'll go have my 3,000 G.P. manicure and foot message."

I got put through a dungeon which had one room where the moss came together and formed in to a giant that attacked us. I thought it was a hoax or something and was going to stand and let it bash me. I claim that it was brilliant roleplaying (half orc WIS 8, INT 9 CHA 6) when I came out with "I think that its a plant"


Most of my group's comments are inside jokes, but there are a few that may be worth a chuckle for others.

1. One of the characters in an evil campaign I ran had an almost vampiric affliction that compelled him to drink the blood of living creatures. He tried to keep it a secret, but one of the other party members found him slurping on one of their dead enemies behind a bush after a combat and commented, "That's quite a nasty habit you have there..."

2. While staying at an inn in the City of Brass in the Elememtal Plane of Fire, one of the characters was taking his ease in the steam room and the steam mephit attendant asked him, "More steam?"

The rest I have become increasingly insider jokes like the last.

Little one liners that pop up in the middle of a game every now and then.

As the goodly good wisdom 9 etc Barberian/Fighter Balewolf sits down to have dinner in a abandoned fortress with leader of an scout team sent from an great army in another realm that is planning come though a portal into his mighty home town of Chillbrooke, the leader asks Balewolf to have a seat.
Balewolf replys "No, i must keep my wits about me. There is great tricks'ery afoot!"

Little does Balewolf know that he has been under an evil higher plane charm spell for the past 2-3 weeks!!!!
And the rest of his mighty friends are being held in the cells not 10 feet from where dinner is taking place!

Liberty's Edge

While playing with a group here in St. Louis, the DM had our party getting pretty beat up on. I was playing Jezandor a half elf Ranger/Druid, and our party's paladin just got the smack down laid upon him and was laid out, but wasn't dead yet thankfully. The Barbarian was also pretty hurt and our esteemed Wizard who acts more like a warrior was kicking some butt. The Barbarian was getting ready to turn tail and run which would have left my character, the wizard and the Fighter/scout to try handle the rest of the mod we were fighting. (We were fighting a Troll fighter with 4 levels I think and about 20 ocrs that were hunting us.) We were all pretty banged up.

DM: (To the Barbarian, as it's his init turn) What are you going to do???
Barbarian: (OOC) Well maybe I should run as I only have 3 hit points left
ME: (OOC) Yeah, but its a SOLID 3 HIT POINTS!!!!

we all laughted for a few minutes except the barbarian...he didn't appericate me being funny, but I knew if he split then I didn't stand too much of a chance of finishing off the orcs. I don't recall how that encounter played out but whenever anyone at the table now says they have only a few hitpoints...everyone response with but its a SOLIDS X HIT POINTS!!!! ....


My favourite of all time had to be way back when we played Dark Sun.

The Dwarven Psionocist had just used up his final Psionic Powerpoints and so announced to everyone, "I now have an open mind."

To which someone replied...

"Okay. Let's all tell him we're gay!"

Okay, as part of KnighterrantJR's Mistledale campaign, and without giving in too much (I'm Grim, BTW).
Our party Medic, Meriden, is trying desperately to start a temple to Helm in Mistledale. We traveled to Silverymoon, and went to their big hoo ahh temple. While there, Merry offended the high priest (3, count 'em, 3 natural 1's on diplomacy checks). Our phrase for the rest of the evening, when thinking about that was:

"The cleric has come down with a RAGING case of turet's"

I keep a Word document of all the great quotes of a game...over the past three years, it's about 15 pages. Here are some of the better ones:

Gunner (wizard):I was just going to feel my pouch to see if squiggly’s inside.

Devi (the cleric): She’s TIRED!!! I don’t have a NOT TIRED spell!
And, several weeks later: Wait...Cure Fatigue? Is that a not tired spell?

Trogdar (dwarf fighter): Is there a Cleric in the house? This girl’s afflicted!

Trogdar: are you now, or have you ever been, a member of Morgion's cult?

Player:It’s a Kender Gender Bender

Player: (stuffing the pink d20 in her bra) It’s the bad die. I’m trying to make it happy.

Lantern Lodge

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Here is a couple more:

Groups ranger emerges wearing a mithral shirt
Fighter: Where did he get the gay shiny shirt?
Sorcerer: That shirt can stop spears man!
Fighter; Ok, so it's a well built gay shiny shirt.

Pynee the socerer begins the ritual to bind a shocker lizard she found as her familiar, when it is done the shocker lizard looks over at her.
Sparky (the lizard): whoareyou?whoareyou?whoareyou?whoareyou?
Pynee: Oh god! UNBIND! UNBIND!!!

Sanael Idelien wrote:

Player:It's a Kender Gender Bender

Player: (stuffing the pink d20 in her bra) It's the bad die. I'm trying to make it happy.

Oh man. I've done this...

I have this set of VILE PINK DICE that always roll crappy for me. I despise the color pink. Ick. But sometimes they're all that's available.

Years ago I played a wild mage named Arwy. He accidentally changed a male enemy into a woman via a wild surge. Arwy prenteded that this was intentional and demanded that the man surrender and become a servant until he saw fit to restore him to manhood. The foe said he would only make one service in exchange.

I could not resist and said "One task? I guess you did not lose much."

First off I love pink dice. Pink dice are all I use. I've never put one down my bra before, but the whole group is rolling terribly lately so I might try it.

Best line

"It's not makeup! It’s warpaint!"

Favorite conversation in a game;

Our group needed to introduce a new player. We met his character in a cave chained to the wall, and wearing a loincloth.

Hors- "My name is Hors."

Theo (a female) - "Horse?" tilts heads and looks at loincloth "hardly."

In the Shackled City AP, first module. Our 2nd level party is looking for a replacement for their recently deceased ranger (death by mimic). We go to the church of St. Cuthbert both to have his funeral arrangements attended to and to ask Jenya if she knows anyone who might help us. She points us to a "cleric" that sits over in the corner playing a guitar.

Feanor (Grey elf evoker): So Jenya says that's the guy. I'm sorry.

Joe (halfling rogue): He's, uh, wearing white gloves. That's kinda weird.

Joe's player (OOC): Michael Jackson wears gloves too.

Feanor: So maybe it's not such a good idea to get him to help us with the orphans . . .

One of my absolute favorite game lines. My cousin and I are creating new characters off to one side for a new game. We decide to be rogues and brothers. After we finish rolling them up and decking them out, I look at him and ask for some background.

Me: "What's our motivations? What's our goals?"

Him: *looking incredibly excited* Racial purity!!!

Me: *after slight pause to make sure he's serious* Umm, buddy, we're half-elves..."

Everyone stared at us for the next five minutes wondering what had us on the floor in tears...

The scene: A half-orc barbarian is covered in green slime, the first time this has happened to the player.

DM: What do you?

PC: I wipe off the slime.

DM: What with?

PC: My hands...

DM: The slime burns the skin off of the palms of your hands, and proceeds to melt straight through your breastplate. What do you do?

PC: I die apparently.

DM: No, seriously, what are you doing?

PC: Uh, I run around screaming?

Okay, 2 sessions in so far with our new(er) DM, and here's the quotes from the session that gave us a laugh:

(note: My wife is pregnant with our 2nd child)
Said TO ME OOC: "No honey, don't push yet... Magic Missile!"
(I don't think we could get a gaming table in the delivery room, and I wouldn't survive the labor if we did!)

"She has something concealed, wait, those aren't weapons!"

"I can't hear you, I'm walking to the light"

"Hey, I saw you there in the light, man you were booking!"

"We need a legendary butt"

To me IC: "I hate you, My liege"

Krig: "So what, now you're going to contort everything to say that brave Sir Duncan slew all your enemies and saved all our lives?" Duncan's Response: "Yep, that's how these special opps things work."

Duncan, after going slightly mad, and using a Lizardfolk's head as a hand puppet "You have the best cleavage" (The voice used in this sounded just like "HIM" from the Powerpuff girls, and drove me to terribe amounts of laughter, even now).

Someone during review and food time: "Y'know, Lizardfolk don't have mammary glands--"
Me: "Quiet, I'm eating."

OS to KnightErrantJR: "Can't we go somewhere that you DON'T pull out one of your talking skulls?" Mind you, we were talking to a crazy old man at the time.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 8

Said whenever incarnum is even slightly mentioned:

"It's blue! So it must be made of fetuses!"

My players didn't quite get the whole "unborn souls" thing, apparently.

We should write more things down.. I tend to forget them.

"I can ressurect people too," said our necromancer.

From the very food oriented cleric; "I cast divine flavor, wait, I mean.." (He actually mispronounced.. but was very in-character.)

Liberty's Edge

Famous Last Words from the last thief I played:

"I checked it - twice. The room's safe!"

During a tough fight a couple of years ago where the party didn't play smart at all and was about to loose, the thief to the fighter:

"Kill him, kill the idiot!" (meaning the enemy)

"Which one?!" (looking at his group members)

Dm to a player:

"What are you doing?!"

"Waiting for the pizza."

"No, I mean in-game."


"Oh what?!"

"OH, SIR!!!"

Soldiers, d'oh...

So my character is a druid who loves birds.

Me - "I love birds."
Friend without missing a beat - "What about this bird?" (Giving me the middle finger)

We were trying to fast talk our way out of revealing who we were to the local authorities. At about the same time, I said "We're Merchants." while another player said "We're Mercenaries".

A third responded after that : "We're Merchantaries..."

good one.... :)

Unsure of a hallway, and missing the party thief at the time, the Druid used a Summon Nature's Ally spell to pop a monkey into the hallway. He summoned it right on a glyph of warding. Once the red mist of monkey blood finished vanishing, the wizard turned to him and said, "You can summon exploding monkeys?"

Out of spells, the wizard started using his dagger in a last-ditch effort not to die. He rolled a 20, confirmed the critical, and then proceeded to do so again with the next two rolls of 19 and 19. He looked at the party warrior, and said, "These things are amazing!"

"Are any of your characters names not stolen from Orson Scott Card?"
*Much shuffling of character sheets*

"Four damage! Teh L33T!

"Is the door real?"

- - -

On Zariph "Half-Mind"'s character sheet he wrote, under background, that he had left his halfling village as a teenager because he had stabbed an attractive girl who'd refused to go out with him. Now whenever he attacks anything, someone pipes up and says:
"He must think its an attractive girl."

- - -

This is not really a one liner, but when the party fell into a half-dragon sorceress' lair and were confronted by her and all her minions, Ender the Paladin, who doesn't really like the party rogue, took out a whiteboard marker and encircled the rogue player's miniature on the battlemat, writing:
"Kill this rogue."

Well, my little brother once said:
"Curse you mind flayer! I need those brains to live!"

Scarab Sages

DM: "You have come face-to-face with {Insert Horrible Monster Name here}."

Player (usually me): "I fall on my sword."

Variant response (for when I play a magic user): "I fall on his {indicates party fighter} sword."

Another one:

Player: {prays to deity for some random blessing}.

DM (using Voice of Godly Denial): NO!

From the SCAP; "Life's Bazaar"

Rogue (rolls phenomenally on her move silently and hide, but crap on her listen and spot): With a gesture, she tells the others in the hallway that this room's "all clear."

Druid steps into room, and is hit by two sneak attacks from the Dark Ones waiting and hiding on either side of the door.

"Except for them," the Rogue adds.

Wizard talking to the fighter about why they brought some extra fighters with them.

Wizard[in a not so quite voice]"They will make great fodder"

After all the extra's look at the wizard the fighter pipes in

"Your friends with Harry Potter?"

Wizard to the fighter
"Now all they need are red shirts."

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