1001 Rules of Golarion

Every so often, someone I know or someone on a forum brings up this thread. The latest time, it got me thinking about things that have come about in my Pathfinder campaigns, or that I have heard/thought. So I give you... 1001 Rules for Players in Golarion!

Add as many as you'd like!

1. The Thrice Damned House of Thrune is not a cross between the Spanish Inquisition and the Nazi Party. Stop calling them that.
2. You will not refer to Zon-Kuthon, the Midnight Lord and Dark Prince, "that guy from the Hellraiser movies".
3. Warren Buffet does not own Druma.
4. As far as we know.
5. Desna does NOT put out.
6. Yes, Calistria does, but she's got better options than you.
7. Lamashtu would be happy to... yeah, that's what I thought.
8. No, you cannot sleep with Ameiko Kaijitsu after a single Diplomacy check.
9. Or multiple ones. I don't care how high your Charisma is.
10. Look, you want her? Roleplay the courtship.
11. Khemet III does not carry a Goa'uld symbiote.
12. Or a Tok'ra.
13. Vudrans do not have bonuses to Profession(Convenience Store Owner).
14. Sarenrae does NOT approve of suicide bombings.
15. It is wrong to tell Quadirans this.
16. "This here's my BOOMSTICK!" is not a traditional Alkenstar greeting.
17. Nethys should not be offered coffee, just so you can ask him if he wants half-and-half.
18. Nor is he Michael Jackson.
19. Cybermen do not come from Numeria. They don't even exist in Golarion!
20. The same applies to Daleks.
21. Do not ask the Tian about your cat.
22. Especially considering you don't have one.
23. Londo Molari does not run Taldor.
24. On a related note, Absalom is not Babylon 5.
25. The people of Ustalav do not celebrate Halloween every day.
26. Stop asking them for candy.
27. There is no secret connection between the Pathfinders and the Harpers.

What else can you come up with?

28. Razmir is not Dr. Doom.

29. Not even close, as far as villains go the comparison would insult Dr. Doom.
30. If you ask another Ustalavian for candy I *will* have a Varisian caress your cheek and whisper "Thinner" and you *can not* make that save DC.

31. Dwarves still don't get beard cancer.
32. Torag is not God of Stereotypes, no matter how true that is.
33. He's not got of cleaning feet, even with that name.
34. It's not okay to bleach a gnome's hair to frighten him.
35. Alkenstar has NOT lost a war to Kyonin because they waited to shoot the elves until they could see the white in their eyes.
36. Lamashtu is NOT the proof for your Furries Are Evil theory
37. No, you are NOT allowed to spellcheck all of Seoni's tattoos.
38. You are definitely not being allowed to become a lich if you want to adopt the title "Shouting Oppressor".

39. I swear if you reference Mr. Welch again I'm blue bolting you and reincarnating you as an awakened house plant.

Edit: ninjaed on the numbers.

39. I swear if you reference Mr. Welch again I'm blue bolting you and reincarnating you as an awakened house plant.

40. Nivi Rombodazzle is not the gnomish goddess of heavy artillery! ;-P

41. I will not play fetch with spawn of Rovagug
42. I will not try to sell the Irespan to tourists.
43. Same goes for the Gallowspire.
44. Mendevian wardstones are NOT great souvenirs.
45. The same goes, times infinity, for the Starstone
46. I will not tell party members otherwise
47. I will not sign up the priest of Cayden Cailean for AA.
48. Men are NOT from Akiton
49. Women are NOT from Castrovel
50. I will not dare the halfling to pick the Archbanker's pockets.
51. I will not offer to pay for party members' heavier armour so they'll fall back in the case of a retreat
52. Razmiran masks are clearly not made of candy, so it will be appreciated if I won't tell that to tourists and encourage them to take a lick.
53. I will not call the Gorumite priest a cissy.
54. I will not call the Calistrian priestess a prude.
55. I will not clue in slavers to the fact that if you fit slaves with heavy balls chained to the leg, they'll defend the ship harder.
56. I will not tell the Iroran monk that his hair is uneven. Even if it is.
57. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" becomes suddenly not funny at all if yelled in a church of Zon-Kuthon
58. I will not ask the magic item salesmen if they have something from Tian Xia for half the price and with a built-in hourglass.
59. No matter how warm and affectionate I consider myself, I will not greet the Kalistocrate with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
60. No one is impressed by my impression of the Dwarven Mating Dance. Especially not in Highhelm

61. Halflings may be man's best friend, but I will not ask for directions for Halfling Shops, I will not try to obtain Halfling Litter, and will definitely not invent Halfling Treats.
62. Also, Handle Animal does not work on halflings.
63. Halflings' feet do not moult.

64. The bbeg at the end of the Carrion Crown AP is NOT Count Chocula

65. The following archetypes do not exist, never have existed, and never will exist: Balloon Eidolon Summoner
66. Absalon Casino Wizard
67. Halfling Boy Group Bard
68. Gnomish Annoyer
69. Dwarven Beard Strangler
70. Hedonist Paladin
71. Water-soluble witch
72. Eldritch Chef
73. Bicycle Cavalier
74. Fishing Rod Caster
75. Fire Fighter
76. ^That one isn't even funny
77. Unremarkable Bloodline Sorcerer
78. School of Hard Knocks Wizard
79. Angry Hair Dresser Barbarian
80. I will no longer invent archetypes for the sole purpose of trying to get the GM's nervous tick to act up again.
81. The party's paladin is NOT in the Sodomite Order of the Horse.

82. My character's favourite drink is NOT the Blood of Nations
83. My character cannot invent a drink with that name.
84. The following words are no longer allowed to be in the same sentences: Igniting, Tactical, Balor.

85. The Tarrasque does not work as an animal companion.
86. No, not even with feats
87. Don't even ask for familiar
88. Neither will I attempt to clone the Tarrasque. Even when the rules allow it.
89. We will not toss the party's paladin to the intellect devourers in the hope that they will starve.

90. While naming their holy swords is great roleplaying for paladins, giving the sword "stripper names" is not even to be considered.
91. Not allowed to point out that the big villain's name is something obviously evil spelled backwards. Natas Ino will better fool me with the old "Your ally is the real villain" trick.

92. Will not hock the spellcaster's important material components for booze and hooker money, even if that girl at the corner has killer dimples.
93. Will not assume grappled party members are dead and unleash deadly area spells.

94. The peasant railgun does not work this way

95. "Any d20 source" does not include Ultramodern Firearms d20 for my Alkenstar Gunslinger.

96. HoL is NOT great inspiration for characters from Numeria.
97. Evil undead characters in mature games are not allowed to have a speech impediment.
98. Ditto for squeaky voices.

99. Pathfinder Vampires don't sparkle if hit by sunlight, they die.
100. Neither are they in the game as a "romantic interest" for teenage girls. They're bad guys.

101. you shuldn't use illusion magic to change the Sarenrae paladin's holy symbols to symbols of Rovagug.
102. Not even as a joke.
103. Seriously, "Sense of humour" is NOT a class ability for paladins.

"3. Warren Buffet does not own Druma.

3a. Because Amway does.
-Kle.

104. no, you may not name your gunmage 'Allister Caine'.
105. there are no rules for warjacks in pathfinder.
106. THERE ARE NO RULES FOR WARJACKS IN PATHFINDER!
107. attempts to invent a pathfinder friendly conversion of the Cankerworm will result in immediate loss of all mountain dew.

???. There are still communites of loyal Chelaxians living in the remote reaches of Andoran who dismissed the bad fairy tales of an Andoran rebellion and sovereignty as a failed bard pretending to be a playwright.

???. a bunch of you have been breaking the first 2 rules of no WARJACKS in pf

108. There is no Gnomish Kama Sutra
109. Ratting out fellow party members to the Asmodean Inquisition of Cheliax is not all in good fun.
110. No matter how cute the Andoren officer is, I do NOT have a slave in my pants who must be freed.
111. Since the witches of irrisen do not abduct long-haired pretty boys from all over Avistan, I will not tell the elven characters that.
112. I will not become the Boy Who Cried "Orc Horde" In Lastwall
113. I will not tinker with a Harrow Deck to get the cute Varisian girl to sleep with me
114. Those big elven ears are NOT for better grip.
115. I will not try to enforce the River Freedoms on rivers outside the River Kingdoms.
116. Abadar is not God of Bling
117. I will not call Gozreh a cross-dressing old perv. Especially not during a lightning storm
118. I will not make allusions regarding Irori's holy symbol and "the sound of one hand clapping" if any of his ascetic followers are within earshot.
119. Priests of Nethys are not required to carry coins with one scratched side and one good one.
120. I will not, under any circumstances, attempt to free the Rough Beast, no matter how convinced I am that I could take him on.

121. 'Wanting' an Adventure that involves killing everyone in Sandpoint is OK. Its 'getting it' thats the problem.

121. Dwarves are proud, bearded warriors and do no appreciate being called "Grumpy Grampas"
122. Gnomes are not colour-coded for my convenience.
123. You cannot use a gnome as a mood ring.
124. I will not refer to gnomes as "the coloured menace"
125. Any sports references referring to the bleachers are not used around gnomes
126. Allowed alignments for clerics of Calistria are not "nice", "naughty", and "likes to watch"
127. "Goes both ways" is not an apt description of their neutral alignment, either.
128. Sonic spells do not cause "hearing AIDS".
129. I will not tell impressionable people about to travel to Absalom that "City at the Centre of the World" means "way down at Golarion's core"
130. I will not tell the elf chick that my paladin has a variant ability "lay on tongue". That's not where "licking your wounds" comes from, either.
131. My character is not a "former divine groupie" who became famous by writing a tell-all book about Norgorber.
132. I will not call the gillman "Fishy Joe"
133. Verces is not the "Neutral Planet"
134. The Cyclops Empire did not fall when 3D Cinema was invented
135. That many of Avistan's nations were once part of the Taldan Empire does not make that the "Franchise Empire".
136. Queen Domina Arabesti of Korvosa's middle name was not "Trix"
137. Belkzen is not a theme park for heroes.

138. The battlecry for the Mendevian Crusade is not "You Keep what you kill".
139. The battlecry for the Shining Crusade is not "You Keep what you kill", either.
140. No matter how good I min/maxed my Acrobatics, my monk still needs Interplanetary Teleport to get to the planet with the naked psychic chicks.
141. While it's true that Iomedae rose to divinity due to her faith and devotion, I still should not tell her paladins that she "Climbed the Career Ladder on her knees."
142. I cannot start the campaign married to any divine or semi-divine being. Not even one of the ones who started out as mortal.
143. There is no Stalker archetype that makes me immune to Cease and Desist orders.
144. Elven Chain is not biodegradable.

145. Further nonexistent archetypes: Pokemon Summoner.

146. I will not sell tickets to the dungeons we cleared.
147. Even if we use disadvantages, I'm forbidden to get the "easily bored" disadvantage for my rogue.
148. For the last time, the Bestiary doesn't have murder elementals.

149. Just because Cayden Cailean adventured while drunk and became a god does not mean that this is a valid career path for anyone else.
150. Even if the plaque behind the bar at his temple suggests that it is.

151. Elves don't have a pheromone gland spray attack.
152. Neither do gnomes.
153. I know now that pheromone gland spray attacks do not exist, so I will stop asking about them for every race or monster type I can think of
154. On a related matter, I'm no longer allowed to pitch ideas for Feats that involve the words "pheromone", "gland", "spray", or, indeed, "attack".

155. If at any point in your life you will seek to harm or hinder adventuring groups in any way you MUST at some point don a mask or other full face covering form of headgear (see: Grey maidens, Hellknights, Red Mantis assassins, Skinsaw cultists, Xanesha, Justice Ironbriar, nosoi, or the Gray Gardeners).

155. Tar-Baphon united the orc hordes under his banner to gain a savage army. He did not "go green".
156. Rune giants were not a cross-breed between regular giants and ANYONE's mom.
147. I will not tell the new players that devout Desnan priests go "skyclad"
148. When creating magic wands for members of a race other than my own, I will not make the command words racial slurs against that race.
149. Diviners do not get a "Detect Plot Armour" ability.
150. Any character concept that makes the GM lock himself into the bathroom and cry hysterically is implicitly vetoed.
151. If the mother of a child we just saved and brought back to her tearfully asks us how she could ever repay us for this kindness, I am not to say "money" before she even stops talking.
152. I will no longer use the Innuendo part of bluff during any negotiations for rewards.
153. I will not burn off a dwarf's beard and call him an ugly gnome.
154. I will not chisel beards off giant stone faces of dwarven kings.
155. Elves don't have beard envy
156. Dwarves don't have ear envy

157. May no longer cause stampedes of frightened citicens in plague-stricken cities.

157. It is not ok to invite Tar-Baphon over for a sleep over.
158. Asking the Gorilla King to do his impression of King Kong is a bad idea.
159. Just because he's called the Whispering Tyrant doesn't mean he wants to play telephone.

160. There is no such thing as the Chelaxian Luchadore Death Squad.

161. Painting smiley faces on Final Blades is frowned upon.
162. Torture implements aren't available in pink & plushy.

163. No matter how much Osirion is like Egypt, playing a cleric does not give you the excuse to tell the Ruby Prince to "let my people go."

Edit: number ninja'ed

164. Even if the rules allow it I cannot make a lust subdomain paladin.
165. Gorvi's shack is not closed for the swallowtail festival.
166. There is not a place called Alice's restuarant in Sandpoint.
167. I cannot name my wagon volkswagon microbus.
168. Wagons do not come with rakes shovels and implements of destruction.

162. Torture implements aren't available in pink & plushy.

Unless they ever get Jacqueline Carey to write a book for the novel-line.

169. "Bender did it once," is not an acceptable answer to the GM's questioning my character's motives.
170. The druid's theme song is not "It's Log!"
171. Plague doctors have nothing to do with Michael Keaton.
172. Toraug's high priests do not claim that their anvils "go up to eleven."
173. Baba Yaga didn't come all the way down to Golarion just to find gingerbread for her multiversal Levitt tract home pyramid scheme.
174. No matter how many times you say it, "brain-on-brain action" is not the correct way to refer to an eidolon's link.

175. Belkzen is not "For the Horde".
176. There is no Tristram in Cheliax.
177. Queen Elvannia will not be your friend because you killed a lion.
178. The "Red Mantis" is not something you see in brothels.
179. Mowgli with not lead you to the Monkey City.
180. People in Nidal do not get your references to the "Blair Witch".
181. Johnny Depp does is not a Captain in the shackles.
182. No he is not a bookish nerd in Ustalav either...
183. Or a golem with impractical hands...
184. Or a Varisian, dang it! I know Johnny Depp has done everything!
185. No you can not find a star portal to "Azlantis".
186. Pharasma is not that "goth chick".
187. No the fifth archdaemon did not become a milkman. (kudos if you get that.)

90. While naming their holy swords is great roleplaying for paladins, giving the sword "stripper names" is not even to be considered.

IDK, does Pathfinder have Paladins of Freedom?

181. Johnny Depp does is not a Captain in the shackles.

188. Nor a town guard working out of an old closed down temple and infiltrating academies because of his youthful appearance.

189. No one in Ustalav will believe you if you say "I'm not dead."

190. A succubus is an inappropriate mount for my paladin.
191. Also for my druid, cavalier, cleric, and no I may not take a succubus as a familiar.
192. When 'riding' a succubus mounted combat does not allow me to avoid impregnating her.
193. I am not allow to 'hump her to death' with my monk, even if I can make an unarmed strike with that.
194. Additionally I may not make a grappling rapist monk even in an all evil campaing.
195. I am not allowed to play in the all evil campaign -- not even as the GM.
196. Nethys does not want to go 'halfies' on the bill.
197. He is also not the patron god of half elfs, half orcs or halflings.
198. Just because the Pactmasters can't control the factions in their city I am not allowed to taunt them.
199. The spawn of Rovagug are not to be referred to 'the half @$$ $#!^ that rovagug pooped out."
200. Especially not in front of the cultist.
201. After killing said spawn I should not say, "See what I mean?"
202. I shall not use my telepathic bond on the paladin to give him a play by play of what me and the succubus are up to.
203. Doing so is not 'inspiring courage', 'inspiring competence' and 'inspiring boner' is not an actual bardic performance -- and I cannot use bardic performance to make it such.
204. Perform(oratory) is not Perform(oral).
205. I shall not bind the major BBEG of an AP by the fourth chapter even if I am playing a Genie Binder.

206. I shall not insult an ancient gold dragon dictator
207. I shall not insult and ancient dragon
208. ... Unless I am a lv 20 and that dragon just took my cookie
209. Never make the GM hate youre character... Never!
210. Never ruin a GM's storyline completely!
211. Never jump down into lava...
212. Why would you do that?
213. Break rule 211 and 212, and you might deserve that lava.
214. Never hold a 50ft metal pole in a lighting storm while you insult the gods.
215. Think before you speak.
216. Never say ''after a lot of considderation, I decide to go through the door''... The GM migh make youre character hurt his/hers forhead...
217. If you think youre GM is too nice, then watch out!
218. Never put a tent on fire while youre whole pary is in it.
219. Dont ever ask a vampire: ''Wanna go for a drink?''
220. If you pass the DC for not panicking when meeting an ancient dragon, then run anyway.
221. Dont be a bastard when playing youre character.
222. Seriously dont!

223.) "Drunk and Disorderly" is not a proper adventuring band name.
224.) Nor is "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap".
225.) Everyone expects the Chelaxian Inquisition.
226.) "Anybody know any good drowning songs?" is not a proper response to the Linnorm ship sinking.

227. The phrase "the commoners are revolting!" does not let me call the Galtan peasantry ugly and unwashed.
228. I shall not accuse those of Hermean blood of being inbred.

187. No the fifth archdaemon did not become a milkman. (kudos if you get that.)

Ronnie came over, too?