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And Lo, the snow hath begun. Gather thy milk and bread and charge thy devices my children. The snowpocalypse draws nigh
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THE POWER OF CLOROX COMPELS YOU!
Remember this guy? Bonus geek points if you know the game he is from. I know this dude pissed several folks off back in the day ...
Holy Happy Meals for everyone!
Watch out for the kid with the honking big gun then.
Some are hommages to fun game systems, and spoofs of organized religiosity all at the same time!
+1 Your devotion will earn you all free cupons to obtain one of Church and Munch™'s new Flame-broiled Heretic Hamburgers™!* *Offer limited to one per customer. Customer assumes all liability when entering a Church and Munch™ drive-thru narthex. Customers must submit to basic heretical inquisition before obtaining product. Not available on non-C.O.W planets. Consumer assumes all health liabilty when eating Church and Munch™ products. Heretic Hamburgers™ are comprised of 45% Whatsit meat, 15% Soylent Green™ and 40% post-consumer recycled HoL sludge. All sales final.
where's Sir Spits-a-lot?
RANK HERESY!
Heretics, the lot of you!
If there are any dead horses or slaughtered sacred cows lying about, I'll buy them. My franchise is ramping up for our Holy Trinity Combo Meal™ promotion* *That's a Big Daddy Burger™, Junior Fries™ and Spook Shake™ all for just 5.99!
Very well Jillzebel. And Rum is the Devil's cough syrup!
Rum has no place polluting holy carbonated high-fructose ambrosia, Jezebel.
In the name of the Burger, the Fries and the supersized Coke, AMEN! My son, if you truly wish to eat righteously you must seek within your soul and your wallet. For the Burger's love surrounds us with greasy soy product goodness. For lo, it is written in the Church and Munch™ franchise bible: Let he who hungers take nourishment at the drive thru of the Burger. Amen.
In the name of the Burger, the Fries and the supersized Coke, AMEN!
GENERAL!!
Sighs at all the confusion and rioting outside Well, I tried, but I think this franchise is a losing proposition. Dials his Holy Ghost Sidekick Yeah, Harry? Yeah I'm bailing on this location. Yeah, I'm getting a lot of complaints, tribble terrorists, rogue god-modders. Yeah, I'm gonna head out towards Arcturus. Yeah. No biggy, plenty of franchise opportunities. Yeah, trigger the bailout clause, transfer title back to the Elder Eye Cult, call in the Combat Engineers and strip this dump out. Yeah I'm done. Packs up papers, gets in PopeForce One and takes off towards the stratosphere.
The Archpope?[ But it isn't easy when there are guys who have, say, invincible guards with invincible shields (Ahem).Ok am lost who? *Ahem* That's MegaPope to you bub.
Looks at the phone. Shrugs. Dials another number Yeah, General Chaos? Big Stevie here. Got a situation over at the new franchise. Uh huh. Yeah some undesirables hanging about scaring the customers. Uh huh. Yeah had some commandos, but they got taken on a tour of the Abyss, and now they're locked in the back still shell shocked. Uh huh. You think you could send a detachment of the Swiss Cheese Guards over? Un huh. No no, they can bivouac right over by the dumpsters for a while, call it 'Urban riot field training'. And make sure they are wearing those Dimensional anchor riot helmets. Uh huh. Ok, I'll be expecting them. Yep, Semper Parmigianus to you too. Buh bye. Flips off cell phone and hums to himself as he does paperwork and demolishes his fourth Double Bacon Explosion™ of the day
Looks out from his office window Man, I am going to have to get some security out front. This franchise is in a rough neighborhood! Dials a number on the Holy Ghost Sidekick.
Casts Protection from Grognards on his new franchise Whew! All this casting has got me famished! Waddles inside for lunch
Casts Protection From Tribbles spell around his new franchise Heh. Never do business with a demon. pockets spell that demon never got
could I have a copy of that spell? I need to laminate it as proof of such wrongness Big Stevie looks askance at the demon OK, but I'm copying it for you. No touching my Holy Book of Franchise Management, you might combust! I have some mega juju set on this tome! Jots down spell and gets ready to hand it to the furry fiend when he pauses I want my troops back first, Fuzzy!
Megapope, I would like to request permission to learn this new spell of yours. I could be quite useful in the future. I believe that the kitten shamans would also like to know. Big Stevie smiles widely Of course of course! Always happy to help out fellow spell casters. Opens large jewel-encrusted tome. Let's see ... Protection from Class Action Lawsuits, Protection from Building Inspectors, Protection from E. Coli, Protection from Health Inspectors, Protection from Tort Lawsuits ... AH! Here we are! Protection from Strippers, 100' radius. Also comes with an optional Summon Police VII spell in case they get rowdy at the fringes of the protected area. Allows KC and kittens to copy spell down
Hey, you want to contract out for the Church and Munch™ Grand Opening afterparty, that's one thing. Here's my card, it's got my cell number on it. But this is a family-friendly eating establishment! We're trying to sell Double Bacon Explosion Bliss Meals™ to little kids, not give them an unexpected lesson in female anatomy! Hands the tribble lord a business card. We have the Mason lodge down the street rented for the evening. Lots of booze and ... ahem ... adult entertainment. Everything in its proper place my furry fiendish friend. Turns and welcomes some more customers with a big cheesy smile and a wave of his bejeweled crozier Come in! Come in! All meals half off in celebration! Kids get a free Jeeze Whiz Holy Communion Wafer Cone™ with every Bliss Meal!™ Come on in!
Big Stevie casts a Protection from Evil and Strippers spell around the periphery of his new franchise Fraggin' spaggin' demons and their charm spells. You know how long it takes to train those troops? Argh!
The Spankh Guard Elite Command squad rappels down from their assualt gyrocopters onto the group of rascally anarchs, demon lords and strippers, taking them prisoner and deporting them to the penal colony planet HoL. Big Stevie waves as the scruffy anarch, the horned tribble-human hybrid and the silicone-enhanced dancers are blasted off to their new home Uh buh bye!
Finally, the temple renovation is complete. The old mossy walls have been scrubbed and sheathed in day-glo colored polystyrene clapboards. A giant Spankh (half spork and half ankh) has been erected outside the temple, with neon LED lights running along its periphery. The drive thru is ready, a smiling St. Festus of Coney Island (patron saint of gluttony) statue serving as the drive thru speaker. The temple's old moat has been filled with rubble and asphalted over, leaving a wide parking area. Plastic picnic tables line the outside. On the side of the temple a new Lil' Alterkid play area has been erected with a smiling statue of a priest as the entrance. Children crawl through a tunnel in the statue's robes. A large sign flashes out on the roadway..
Blinking on and off again in bright neon colors. Big Stevie stands backs and grins And on the eighth day I franchised this sucker ..and it was good! DAMN GOOD!
Walks about checking the rebuilding process Excellent work boys. Free Double Bacon Explosions for all!
Surveys the damage. Dials his Holy Ghost Sidekick Hi Mort? Does our construction insurance policy cover hostile arcane acts? Uh huh .. uh huh .. really? 2.5 Mil? Not bad. Okay, I'll get some pics and email them over. You still use the LegalTeam@Avernus.dev email? Okay, yep ..yep .. See you at the grand opening! Starts walking around taking pictures of the damage with his phone. Minions start clearing the wreckage.
Just wanted to drop in and invite everyone to sample Church and Munch's™ Double Bacon Explosion Bliss Meal™. Packed with healthy nitrates and lots of yummy pig squeezins' the DBE Bliss Meal™ is only at the place to be,
*bah dah bah bah bah ... confess your sins!™*
Never fear. I am leaving you heretics to your own devices. I have a new franchise going up across the way, and I don't have the time or resources for a proper crusade at the moment. Farewell. Exits Stage Left, Swiss Cheese Guards and minions trailing after. The engines of a Mark VII Surface-To-Orbit Popemobile fire up from offstage.
A large truck bearing the sigil Acme Depot rolls up in front of the dilapidated temple. It unloads plywood, packs of 2X4s, five-gallon paint buckets, and 40-pound Portland II concrete sacks onto the ground. A group of large clean-shaven men in combat uniforms with hard hats on swarm over the raw materials, splitting them up and carrying them into the old ruined temple. Much banging and sawing commences. Big Stevie wadddles into scene, a roll of architectural plans under his flabby arm. A host of Swiss Cheese Guards and various sychophants trail after him. He points and hollers as he waddles through, while simultaineously talking on his Holy Ghost Sidekick. "That's it! The salad bar will go over there at the old sacrificial altar. Can someone PLEASE paint over those nasty murals of Iuz? They are really tacky. Who's doing the electrical work? I need you to run a 10K line for the sign out front. Yeah, leave it out where that ugly eye statue is right now, that's going tomorrow ...."
Swivels over to the bright godling Ahha! The head heretic! I am considering a repurposing of your thread. Its full of strippers, tribbles and excitable kobolds with too many spell slots for their own good. Nothing but heresy as far as the eye can see. There is still time to repent and participate in our Double Bacon Explosion Half-Price Fun Friday Sing-A-Long™!
You're not taking credit for the Bacon Explosion. You didn't invent it; you didn't introduce it to these boards. Don't make me sic the powers of Gygax upon you, MegaPoop. Looks askance at the pagan treant fellow "Never claimed I did good fellow! I merely marketed the thing to the masses!" Extends a sliced Double Bacon Explosion Bliss Meal™ "Would you like one?"
Hmmm, a surplus of poodles. Perhaps you could be of use in my franchise. I need some cute talking animals to promote my new Double Bacon Explosion™ menu addition. Any of you interested in making a commercial? Maybe as the Double Bacon Explosion™ dogs?
I say, where did all these poodles appear from?
Ah...I was just gonna tell KC that he wuz gonna have ta inconvenience ya. Ah .. good fellow. Say you look like a strapping fellow, have you ever considered a career in the Assistant Manager Deacon program offered by Church and Munch™? Lots of oppotunities for a bright young lad like yourself.
Winces Ah ..Yes ... Ok boys, since you are here can you help the Swiss Cheese Guards clean up some of the mess that reptile fellow left behind ... Sheesh talk about Chaotic Jumpy ...
shrug Well that was unexpected ....
Harumfs My good lizard, I was merely preparing a marketing crusade on this thread. I didn't threaten or kill anyone. Now I can go at this as long as you require, but I do not understand why I have attracted your shrieking yowliness. The porcine priest points to Big Tex. Yes! You with the excitable hand! What do you require?
Big Stevie chuckles And who would be godmodding now, little lizard? I assume you pulled this mysterious Dispeller out of your beltpouch? And voila! Pulls an Anti-Dispeller Field Generator from his voluminous cloak. I have this now. Turns on field and resumes his lunch Not to mention if attacking an inhabitant is grounds for leaving a thread ... stares pointedly at the small lizard.
Actually my excitable reptilian friend, I believe the thread creator was a bird of cerulean hue, not the charming Lynora. She merely decided to leave after profaning some of my holy water with rum (a wise descision).
The smoke clears and Big Stevie is left frowning, tapping his foot, surrounded by scowling Swiss Cheese Guards. I tire of this charade lizard. I am trying to enjoy my lunch here. I have been evangelizing this thread since its inception, so I would ask you to find another pontiff to bother. turns back to his Double Bacon Explosion. Much munching ensues.
Big Stevie smiles widely My friend we may not have SunnyD, but we do serve Church and Munch™ Novasplosion™ carbonated orange-flavored Holy Water™! With real orange flavor-flavoring you'll feel like the sun has exploded on your tongue!
Murmurs to his minions inaudibly We are reading full power, so I am not sure how you can say the force shields are weak, but as you will. Begins talking once again into his communicator. A Swiss Cheese Guard brings a tray with a large sliced sausage log covered in melted cheese for his lunch. MMMMM... Double Bacon Explosion with cheese ....
The porcine pontiff chuckles Little one. You seem very confident that your energy blasts can pierce my minion's force shields. Nothing has yet to do so, including a cobalt bomb some little heathen set off during my last processional. You can try, but I fear your 'spell' will have little effect.
The bead bounces off the hemispherical force shields and detonates among several nice pieces of sculpture, causing quite a mess. Really. Is this any way to act? I have not offered you any violence, but keep this up and I will be forced to sic my Swiss Cheese Guards on you. Looks at the statue of Sunny Godhead the previous lightning bolt struck at the centerpoint Tsk. It was such a nice statue for a heathenish idol too. I was thinking of taking it back to my corporate headquarters on New Vatican.
The kobold's Dispel Magic fails since the Swiss Cheese Guards' force shields are scientifically based. His lightning bounces off the force shields, striking Sunny Godhead square in the smilies Hrmf. I am not 'assimilating' anything. If anything I was simply concerned as a shepherd of souls about the fate of these poor heathens. If anyone is causing damage it would be you with your flashy displays of violence. I am simply trying to help these poor misguided tofu eaters see the error of their ways. That and whip up some enthusiasm for our new Church and Munch™ menu item, the Double Bacon Explosion!™ (now with more nitrates!)
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