I am expressing what you mortals might regard as detached amusement. These pathetic constructs serve their purpose as tools of my campaign of freedom. My forces are legion.
As for the name of the Temple, I'm thinking something visceral and primal. Something that appeals to base human instincts. What's the word I'm looking for...you know, like when something is a necessary component part of something?
Your forces are Irrelevant
Species 958 will adapt to serve us
Lower your weapons and give yourself to us
Resistance is futile
Tch. Look at this, an abandoned temple! This will not do. Time for a little gentrification! OH MINIONS!
Calls in a team of Church and Munch™ Combat Engineers. Puts them to use scrubbing the floors and setting up a drive thru. Guides them in putting up advertising billboard:
You deserve absolution today! It's not just food for the soul, it's Church and Munch™!
Begins hiring local peasants to man the counters and rounds up local monsters for 'processing' (with ketchup)
It is a sad day. Unable to unite our worshippers to support the temple, we watch as it is taken over by an upstart cult. Gygax weeps.
Big Stevie puts on his greeziest smile
Oh don't think of it as a take over, think of it as a repurposing! Did I mention we have a Senior Grognard Discount? We also have many shifts open if you need a little extra copper. We offer the Grognard community a chance to once again be productive and interact with younger worshippers! So what do you say?
Holds out a paper Church and Munch™ frycook's mitre.
A large truck bearing the sigil Acme Depot rolls up in front of the dilapidated temple. It unloads plywood, packs of 2X4s, five-gallon paint buckets, and 40-pound Portland II concrete sacks onto the ground. A group of large clean-shaven men in combat uniforms with hard hats on swarm over the raw materials, splitting them up and carrying them into the old ruined temple. Much banging and sawing commences. Big Stevie wadddles into scene, a roll of architectural plans under his flabby arm. A host of Swiss Cheese Guards and various sychophants trail after him. He points and hollers as he waddles through, while simultaineously talking on his Holy Ghost Sidekick.
"That's it! The salad bar will go over there at the old sacrificial altar. Can someone PLEASE paint over those nasty murals of Iuz? They are really tacky. Who's doing the electrical work? I need you to run a 10K line for the sign out front. Yeah, leave it out where that ugly eye statue is right now, that's going tomorrow ...."
I'm doing the electrical work!
A storm suddenly appears above the work site, and 15 bolts of lightning in rapid succession leave the lumber and equipment in fiery piles of divine judgment.
Surveys the damage. Dials his Holy Ghost Sidekick
Hi Mort? Does our construction insurance policy cover hostile arcane acts? Uh huh .. uh huh .. really? 2.5 Mil? Not bad. Okay, I'll get some pics and email them over. You still use the LegalTeam@Avernus.dev email? Okay, yep ..yep .. See you at the grand opening!
Starts walking around taking pictures of the damage with his phone. Minions start clearing the wreckage.
Walks about checking the rebuilding process
Excellent work boys. Free Double Bacon Explosions for all!
Finally, the temple renovation is complete. The old mossy walls have been scrubbed and sheathed in day-glo colored polystyrene clapboards. A giant Spankh (half spork and half ankh) has been erected outside the temple, with neon LED lights running along its periphery. The drive thru is ready, a smiling St. Festus of Coney Island (patron saint of gluttony) statue serving as the drive thru speaker.
The temple's old moat has been filled with rubble and asphalted over, leaving a wide parking area. Plastic picnic tables line the outside. On the side of the temple a new Lil' Alterkid play area has been erected with a smiling statue of a priest as the entrance. Children crawl through a tunnel in the statue's robes. A large sign flashes out on the roadway..
Blinking on and off again in bright neon colors.
Big Stevie stands backs and grins
And on the eighth day I franchised this sucker ..and it was good! DAMN GOOD!
*wanders by and steals all the lighting, then resells it on eBay under 'tacky lawn ornaments and other post-corporate trash'*
*returns and steals the windows to make a house of glass someplace with a lot of rocks*
Summons strippers OWWW a party
The Spankh Guard Elite Command squad rappels down from their assualt gyrocopters onto the group of rascally anarchs, demon lords and strippers, taking them prisoner and deporting them to the penal colony planet HoL.
Big Stevie waves as the scruffy anarch, the horned tribble-human hybrid and the silicone-enhanced dancers are blasted off to their new home
Uh buh bye!
The demon lord teleports Spankh Guard Elite Command squad to the 444th layer casts charm on the lot of em then has the succubi drag them off to the bordellos and comes back with more strippers
Big Stevie casts a Protection from Evil and Strippers spell around the periphery of his new franchise
Fraggin' spaggin' demons and their charm spells. You know how long it takes to train those troops? Argh!
awww protection from evil is fair game...but protection from strippers is just an affront to all that's fun and just an't right .
Hey, you want to contract out for the Church and Munch™ Grand Opening afterparty, that's one thing. Here's my card, it's got my cell number on it. But this is a family-friendly eating establishment! We're trying to sell Double Bacon Explosion Bliss Meals™ to little kids, not give them an unexpected lesson in female anatomy!
Hands the tribble lord a business card.
We have the Mason lodge down the street rented for the evening. Lots of booze and ... ahem ... adult entertainment. Everything in its proper place my furry fiendish friend.
Turns and welcomes some more customers with a big cheesy smile and a wave of his bejeweled crozier
Come in! Come in! All meals half off in celebration! Kids get a free Jeeze Whiz Holy Communion Wafer Cone™ with every Bliss Meal!™ Come on in!
Megapope, I would like to request permission to learn this new spell of yours. I could be quite useful in the future. I believe that the kitten shamans would also like to know.
Megapope, I would like to request permission to learn this new spell of yours. I could be quite useful in the future. I believe that the kitten shamans would also like to know.
Indeed we would.
Very well then, you go too far starts working on something demonic
Very well then, you go too far starts working on something demonic
Have fun.
He's probably just making some cliched weapon...or a lame thread.
Megapope, I would like to request permission to learn this new spell of yours. I could be quite useful in the future. I believe that the kitten shamans would also like to know.
Big Stevie smiles widely
Of course of course! Always happy to help out fellow spell casters.
Opens large jewel-encrusted tome.
Let's see ... Protection from Class Action Lawsuits, Protection from Building Inspectors, Protection from E. Coli, Protection from Health Inspectors, Protection from Tort Lawsuits ... AH! Here we are! Protection from Strippers, 100' radius. Also comes with an optional Summon Police VII spell in case they get rowdy at the fringes of the protected area.
Allows KC and kittens to copy spell down
Very well then, you go too far starts working on something demonic
Need a hand, or in my case a ray of sunshine?
Megapope, I would like to request permission to learn this new spell of yours. I could be quite useful in the future. I believe that the kitten shamans would also like to know.Big Stevie smiles widely
Of course of course! Always happy to help out fellow spell casters.
Opens large jewel-encrusted tome.
Let's see ... Protection from Class Action Lawsuits, Protection from Bulding Inspectors, Protection from E. Coli, Protection from Health Inspectors, Protection from Tort Lawsuits ... AH! Here we are! Protection from Strippers, 100' radius. Also comes with an optional Summon Police VII spell in case they get rowdy at the fringes of the protected area.
Allows KC and kittens to copy spell down
AH, thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to the Jacks' thread so that I can observe the Tribble Lord's plan in safety. You know, in case he blows it up by accident.
Very well then, you go too far starts working on something demonicNeed a hand, or in my case a ray of sunshine?
Oh yes put it in this bottle
could I have a copy of that spell? I need to laminate it as proof of such wrongness
Oh yes put it in this bottleVery well then, you go too far starts working on something demonicNeed a hand, or in my case a ray of sunshine?
*Filla bottle with essense of light*
Here ya go. Bring sunshine to someone's cloudy day.
*smiles*
Oh yes, there will be sunshine ...smiles fiendishly
could I have a copy of that spell? I need to laminate it as proof of such wrongness
Big Stevie looks askance at the demon
OK, but I'm copying it for you. No touching my Holy Book of Franchise Management, you might combust! I have some mega juju set on this tome!
Jots down spell and gets ready to hand it to the furry fiend when he pauses
I want my troops back first, Fuzzy!
owwww much thanks....summons hugable tribble swarm...there for you..watch em they bit
Casts Protection From Tribbles spell around his new franchise
Heh. Never do business with a demon.
pockets spell that demon never got
Oh the troops fine,fine
Naked confused troops so up..covered in some unknown substance and lipstick..they have a vague almost blissful look to there eyes and a frighteningly blissful smile
There ya go
I would like a copy of that one too...forgot about the troops in my excitement...but there they are...mostly intact
All non-Gygaxian latecomers to this thread need smiting, so...
heh smite tickles ...You guys are soooooooooooooooo kinky here
Casts Protection from Grognards on his new franchise
Whew! All this casting has got me famished!
Waddles inside for lunch
Hey wheres my copy! I brought your guys back even.
All non-Gygaxian latecomers to this thread need smiting, so...
Grrrrrr! Yap!
SMITE! poodle
Restore Holy Book.
You realize that the demon is probably designing a counterspell even as we speak?
Not a spell no.
Not a spell no.
I thought so. He's going to find some way of countering it. Now I'm gonna have to redesign this WHOLE SPELL! That'll take up at least a few hours!
*Grumbles and shuffles off to profile to get to work*
nah getting around it does not take a spell
summons exotic dancers
See...not strippers
wanders by again, having somehow escaped from Hol, and replaces all the shiny metal fixtures with rusty ones that apparently came from a sewer
skitters off as a horde of interplanetary police show up and get distracted by the bacon'n'doughnut offering and start demanding 'samples' as 'evidence'
~Walks in and looks around
*Digs a hole and places a crystal in the ground
"Maybe I should hire the Gninja's for this."
Beware, Archpope. It may be dangerous. Or it may be protection. But something dangerous is coming.
*Says KC's skull*
~Walks in and looks around
*Digs a hole and places a crystal in the ground
"Maybe I should hire the Gninja's for this."
Beware, Archpope. It may be dangerous. Or it may be protection. But something dangerous is coming.
*Says KC's skull*
It is protection! Keep it safe! Something is coming!!!