Knifer

An Inglorious Basterd's page

43 posts. Alias of Andrew Turner.


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6 people marked this as a favorite.

Indeed. Seriously, the answer is not so very complicated.


Andrew Turner wrote:
I got a rock...wait, wrong holiday.

I thought that was pretty funny.


The Version We All Dreaded...

The Version We All Expected...


I don't wash my clothes. Ever.


Grand Magus wrote:

No.

I drive to Starbucks every morning, then to McDonalds for breakfast (I never
drink McD coffee, it is nasty.) Then, I get my daily groceries from
Trader Joe's (because they are higher class), and return home to watch
movies on the internet all day. At night, I lay in bed and play games on my iPhone.

Repeat.

.

It sounds like you don't have a job...


I vaguely remember that special, magical day when I turned from 17 to 18...there were flying pink unicorns, skittles poured from the faucets, and Starbucks gave me free lattes all day long!

There was also this amazing feeling that it was suddenly OK, in every possible, logical, rational way it could be so, that I could date someone not merely a year or two older than me, but 10, 15, 20, 30 years older than me! On June 11th--totally, despicably, deplorably, reprehensibly, disgustingly, not OK for me to date, say, a 20 year old...but 24 hours later on June 12th? Of course it was OK...


Peter Stewart wrote:

Can you guys please take your Modern Warfare 3 discussion and all associated topics somewhere else, since you've cluttered the hell out of the thread with them and are veering dangerously off into political territory in a thread that should be inoffensive to everyone?

I'm sorry you don't like these games, but... seriously? We shouldn't mention or discuss Call of Duty games, or Battlefiled, Halo, Medal of Honor, Rainbow 6, Team Fortress, Doom, Kill Zone, or any of the other similar shooter or combat-centric games? And cluttered? I count on the order of six posts that even mention CoD or Modern Warfare.

If you can't talk about video games in a video games thread...


yellowdingo wrote:
So you dont think that it might be better for us all if we did comemerate every child born, despite how they might spend that life? Yes, i'm suggesting everything that has gone wrong has gone wrong because we dont.

I thought we called that a 'birthday party'.

I'm partial to McDonald's or the bowling alley for mine.


GregH wrote:
Hama wrote:

Almost every single one, besides Heineken which is utter piss. Especially czech and german beers.

Hey yellowdingo. You should start a petition to allow import of Kinder Surprise in the U.S. That would be worthwhile.

Americans don't have Kinder?

Deals off.

You know, we banned them because we were afraid kids would choke on the toy...because that happens, like, all the time in Germany, right?

Yeah, I guess American kids are kinda stoo-pid like that


Hama wrote:
2) You call that beer? (microbrews nonwithstanding)

American 'beer' is like water with those new Crystal Light drops--water + Crystal Light Drops; drink after a Listerine gargle = American beer.


Orthos wrote:
Andrew Turner wrote:
The Latin for cow is 'bos', which is why we call cows bossy.

Who is we? I grew up in rural south Texas. The only side of my yard that didn't have cows on the other side of the fence was the side with the street. I'd never heard cows being called bossy on a regular basis.

Unless you're saying that the common cow nickname of "Bessy" is a corruption of "bossy"? Because I've never heard that before either, but I might find it a little more believable.

Naturally, 'we' are those who agree with me, and 'them' are those who disagree.


This thread is dedicated to the reductio ad absurdum of the internet.

Let me start it off with this top tier school's commercial.

Yes, yes it's true: you can be such an under achiever your entire youth that actually getting into a real university was impossible, yet still be in the less than 0.0000000001% of all humanity who make it through the NASA astronaut program!


Yes. Yes, that's fine; no need to thank me; I am very happy to let you three young ladies do those things to me, and all at the same time, right now, this very minute; yes, just like that. Ohhhh.


3 people marked this as a favorite.

Started to read your post...too many words. Also, it's time for my favourite tv programme.


Hmmm. There was a time, not so long ago, when our DIRNSA and everyone else in the intel community was very, very concerned with Titles 10 and 50, and the provisions of the 4th Amendment. Read The Shadow Factory for more on that.

My personal opinion: if you think the NSA is the only spy agency on the planet, you don't live on this planet. The number one rule of spies and the organizations that manage the art thereof: don't get caught.

To me (more of my personal opinion), getting flummoxed by the recent 'revelations' is a lot like looking up at a crisp blue sky and remarking in absolute and genuine incredulity, "Blimey! The tittytwats told me it was green! The nerve! Animals, the lot of them!"


Now I'm all sadders.


A baby mango ate my dingo! Why was I studying String Theory instead of watching my poor dingo!?!


I only have about $40 in monthly subscription costs these days, so skipping somewhere in the order of 10-12 espressos each month offsets my Paizo requirements.

I could also give the kids old MREs for one week's worth of school lunch each month.

I could make everyone in the family shave their heads and cut out haircuts and shampoos.

I could bathe in the river out back and only take hot showers on Federal holidays.


I love my aliases.


What's this show everyone is talking about?

Is it some kind of medical drama? I like Grey's Anatomy.


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Jaelithe wrote:

Rather than preventing births deemed unnecessary, we could instead cull the obnoxiously opinionated and overbearing.

Not sure who would be left here to post, but ...

Just the two of us, man...just the two of us...


3 people marked this as a favorite.

I totally agree! People are having too many babies! In my hometown, the population has increased by almost 2,000 blokes in the last 24 years! If only the State would step in and stop letting so many people have babies!

Except for me, that is. My wife I and, I mean to say. We have three kids...but we're different! I make a bunch of money and I'm really highly educated! I went to an Ivy League school; I drive a Jeep, fully kitted (buy American!...made in Canada from parts fabricated in Mexico...), and my wife drives a BMW--Christ, it has a holographic heads-up and shows pedestrians at night; the car's a f%++ing Schwarzenegger-hunting Predator! I live in a huge 5-bedroom house and I drink lattes from Starbucks every day--every day! So...you know...I get a bye. You do, too...right?


Metric just means measure, right? Imperial units measure just fine. I don't like playing D&D with the French, anyway---they are way too creepy-keen on erotica-themed delves...


2 people marked this as a favorite.

Oh, thank the heavens! Now I can focus on that physics PhD and stop studding myself!


...and how many signatures did all the yd petitions get...


Slaunyeh wrote:

Apparently Norway is considering re-evaluating Snowden's asylum application.

Maybe it's so they can finally shout "NO-WAY" and giggle like school girls. Or maybe there's a "There's your snow, enjoy" joke in there somewhere.

If this drags on much longer, it'll be winter in Norway and he may find himself snowed in.


...note to self: add Slaunyeh to Hate Mail list at earliest convienence.


JonGarrett wrote:
Scott Betts wrote:
JonGarrett wrote:
Scott Betts wrote:
Sunderstone wrote:
Scott Betts wrote:
JonGarrett wrote:
It certainly suggests that the Xbox One is not popular with gamers with access to broadband Internet...you know, it's sole target market (still can't see casual gamers being willing to go through the hassle for this thing).
But, as is always the case with a horde of angry internet nerds,
Seems par for the course with your replies too. Anyone who disagrees with your POV frequently becomes labeled this.
Okay, you're not part of the angry internet horde. Your opinions are fully your own, and are in no way being incited or reinforced by the current echo chamber environment.
You may wish to consider re-phrasing it. It comes off as, 'Your opinion is only valid if most people disagree with you.'

I don't think it does.

What I am saying is that the video game internet community is doing a really great job of elevating the belief that the Xbox One is devilspawn and marginalizing the belief that it is a legitimate gaming console. This thread alone is evidence that a lot of people are forming inflamed opinions without understanding why they hold their opinions (see: people who believe they literally own the games they buy, people who believe that your Kinect feed will be actively monitored, etc.).

It's mob mentality. Go figure. Yes, there are some people who are staying at, "These features are an annoyance," instead of being pumped up to, "Microsoft is evil and our rights are under attack!" by each other, but I'm not seeing many of those.

It's not as though there's been a big announcement, telling people 'All you are buying is the right to play the game - you own nothing.' It's not slapped on the box, and most people don't wade through a ton of tiny text to find it. So it's not shocking most people consider buying a disc means you own the disc.

Besides which, those people are all relevant. That they got...

Nothing to add; I just wanted to make an even longer reply cascade...


Chubbs McGee wrote:

For atheists and anti-theists this changes nothing. Thanks for the peace out, Pope Francis. How about something really relevant like acknowledging women in the clergy, allowing condoms or even gay marriage?

What you pathetic mortals do not realise is that most of you will be spending eternity in the infernal flames of Teddy Hell. I have a nice burning place of punishment for all of you!

Because, just like me, none of these things are Catholic. Other religions allow female clergy and gay marriage. If a person wants to be ministered by a woman and marry their same-sex partner, join another religion.


How dare you make up such awful stories, Klaus van der Kroft!

Doesn't like ice cream! What heresy!

It's not very funny, you know.


DSXMachina wrote:

Poor Mark Sweetman didn't understand the humor when he watched the girls comic book episode. So I will attempt to explain it.

The girls start out the episode with the popular misconception that comics are just for 12 year olds... which is an amusing and perhaps aggravating real world misconception. But despite their words they end up nerding out just like the boys when they attempt to understand these comic books. Making the joke ultimately ON the girls not on the boys. The episode actually affirms a part of comics appeal and makes the joke at the expense of the popular misconception.

Aranna wrote:
Whilst the lads go off to the desert (well Con#132) and are too enthsiastic to remember to lock their car. Then a car-jacker steals it, with all the non-cosplay clothes inside. Thus they end up at a diner where everyone thinks they are 15 (or nerds) & need their mothers calling - because they are so stupid. To which Howard affirms they are, as he asks for them to call his Mommy.
Andrew Turner wrote:

I just finished watching this episode--I laughed my ass off.

I now realize my superpower: the ability to interact with both nerd-geeks and everyone else.

Favoriting your own posts again, eh? You do know we're all on to you, doc?


DSXMachina wrote:

Poor Mark Sweetman didn't understand the humor when he watched the girls comic book episode. So I will attempt to explain it.

The girls start out the episode with the popular misconception that comics are just for 12 year olds... which is an amusing and perhaps aggravating real world misconception. But despite their words they end up nerding out just like the boys when they attempt to understand these comic books. Making the joke ultimately ON the girls not on the boys. The episode actually affirms a part of comics appeal and makes the joke at the expense of the popular misconception.

Aranna wrote:
Whilst the lads go off to the desert (well Con#132) and are too enthsiastic to remember to lock their car. Then a car-jacker steals it, with all the non-cosplay clothes inside. Thus they end up at a diner where everyone thinks they are 15 (or nerds) & need their mothers calling - because they are so stupid. To which Howard affirms they are, as he asks for them to call his Mommy.
Andrew Turner wrote:

I just finished watching this episode--I laughed my ass off.

I now realize my superpower: the ability to interact with both nerd-geeks and everyone else.

Renrut Werdna-Bizzaro wrote:
You are feisty this week. Trying to get another post removed by the Mods?

Isn't it just a little weird that you're having a conversation with your self...?


Orfamay Quest wrote:
Can you think of another situation other than temperature where you see actual negative numbers in common practice?

How fast NYC traffic moves, light-to-light.


8 people marked this as a favorite.

I would only use my powers for good.

My own good.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

I read somewhere that...*

Luke...DiCaprio
Han...Bieber
Leia...Lohan

*no, I didn't read that anywhere.


Sneaky basterd (#4 on the Top 100 list) giving this awesome story away for free.


I haven't eaten a Twinkie since I was a kid.

I'm sorry for the people who have lost their livelihood.

That said, I'm really surprised at the number of dungeoneers here who take such an interest in the particulars of a company a great many people might not even have realized was still in business (since so few of us, apparently, eat any of its products). I mean to say that it's odd to read so many comments that clearly indicate some of you have researched the finer details of this particular bankruptcy.

At any rate, I've already far exceeded my total possibly interest in any of this.

(Snarky, I know.)


I've been to an all-girl sleepover!


The 8th Dwarf wrote:
FuelDrop wrote:
The 8th Dwarf wrote:
is smarter than he looks.

I think i may have FUBARed a little there, but in my defence i was refering to australia as an independent nation, rather than a british colony. that means 1901 is the start for my arguement, as before that it was in the name of mother england... and there's a nation that can't even begin to claim a history of peaceful coexistance. however, i was not clear in my meaning and thus your points remain entirely valid.

to be honest i completely forgot about the Eureka stockade, which hurts me as that's always been one of my favorite parts of australian history. as for New Guinea... you're right on all counts.

Could someone please remind me to put my brain into gear before i start posting? it'd save a lot of embarisment :) (hope that's the right one!)

No problem - our history is very interesting and I wish more Australians knew about it.

What's an 'australia'?


Inglorious Basterd wrote:
The Mayans tell us we have just over a year. I put about as much faith in one as the other...

Who the f&!*'s this, now?!


Every command given to my kids includes four key components:

Task
Purpose
Conditions
Standards

Abbreviated TPCS for School Night Repose

Task: Go to bed at 2030
Purpose: In order to be reseted and reenergized for school the next day
Conditions: Given a reasonably comfortable bed, clean bedclothes, a temperature-neutral environment with semi-darkened to darkened lighting; one Disney Princesses plastic sipper of water; wake-up is managed by parental units.
Standards: Sleep cycle initiates no later than 2030 with an expected entry to Alpha sleep no later than 2110, and subsequent entry to REM cycle no later than 2200.

By the time we get halfway through this process the kids are begging me to just leave them alone and let them go to bed.

Do this a few times, with different events, and all you have to do when they give you grief is threaten to review the TCPS for the event...


What's a 'world cup'?


Ahhhh! Ain't nuttin betta thun killin' gnat-sies!

Full Name

Walter Bresrin Vheist

Race

Human

Classes/Levels

Oracle 2

Gender

Male

Size

5' 5" (Medium)

Age

17

Alignment

Lawful Good

Deity

Pharasma

Location

Arizona Mountain Time. GMT - 7:00.

Languages

Common, Varisian, Elven, Draconic, Osiriani, Infernal

Strength 11
Dexterity 14
Constitution 13
Intelligence 15
Wisdom 12
Charisma 17

About Walter Vheist

Walter is a young man on the cusp of adulthood, though his small and frail appearance makes him seem much younger. Walter's skin is pale and his hair is a platinum blonde that is cut short. While he may have muscle on him, any notion of strength is distracted by his wiry frame and short stature.

Statistic Block:

Walter Bresrin Vheist
Male human oracle 2
LG Medium humanoid (human)
Init +6 Senses vision 30 ft.; Perception +5
-Defense---------------------------------
AC 16, touch 14, flat-footed 14 (+4 armor, +2 Dex)
hp 13 (2d8+2)
Fort +1, Ref +2, Will +4
-Offense---------------------------------
Spd 30 ft.
Melee quarterstaff +1 (1d6) or touch of flame +1 (1d6 fire)
Special Attacks touch of flame (1d6) 6/day
Spells Known (CL 2nd, +5 concentration)
0 – light, mending, guidance, resistance, detect magic, mage hand, ghost sound
1 (5/day)– bless, burning hands, cure light wounds, protection from evil
Mystery flames
-Statistics------------------------------
Str 11, Dex 14, Con 13, Int 15, Wis 12, Cha 15+2
Base Atk +1; CMB +1; CMD 13
Feats Improved Initiative, Cosmopolitan
Skills Acrobatics +7, Diplomacy +8, Knowledge (arcana)* +6, Knowledge (history) +7, Knowledge (nobility) +7, Knowledge (planes) +7, Knowledge (religion) +7, Perception* +6, Sense Motive +5, Spellcraft +6 All skills listed are class skills.
Traits Ustalavic Noble, Inspired by Greatness (bless)
Languages Common, Varisian, Elven, Draconic, Osiriani, Infernal
Gear ~
Special Abilities oracle’s curse (haunted), revelation (touch of flame)

Gear; Gold, consumables, items:

Gear
Backpack
- scroll case (empty)
- 3 candles
- 2 pieces of chalk
- flint and steel
- inkpen
- clay tankard
- 2 pints of oil
- 4 sheets of paper
- 4 trail rations
- sewing needle, thread
- 3 vials of ink
- traveler's outfit
- 2 torches
Hanging:
--iron pot
-- wooden holy symbol of Pharasma
-- waterskin
-- hooded lantern
Belt:
---dagger
---longsword
Non-mundane:
-0x potion of cure light wounds
-1x potion of lesser restoration
-1x flask of holy water
-1x scroll of hide from undead
-darkwood 'letters' box/board: brass spirit planchette

Wearing:
Torso: Traveler's Outfit, chain shirt
Carrying: Longsword (nonproficient)

Consumables
None

Gold
66gp 66sp 6cp
Spent
0pp 100gp 4sp 5cp

Spells Cast:

1st - 0 remaining out of 5
Touch of Flame - 0 remaining out of 5

Background:

Walter was born to the Vheist family, a noble house that sprung up after the census of Ustalav that was taken by the famous Ilmhost Vheist. Born small and weak to a sickly mother, Walter's life expectancy was very short-- but, somehow, he pulled through. Kept close by his lovingly overprotective mother, who could not leave the family estate due to her own illness, Walter became introverted and shy, yet infinitely curious of the world outside his home's walls. He spent ages locked away in the family library, eating up books with his voracious imagination.
Just after his tenth birthday, Walter began to hear what he could only describe as "voices in my head," a thought that sent chills through his mother's spine and brought images of the lunatic Conwrest Muralt of Odranto. Faking her son's decline into the same illness that she felt would soon claim her life, Walter's mother kept him locked away within House Vheist even into his adolescence-- an adolescence he spent speaking to himself in empty rooms.
His father, a severe man named Vimric, had other plans. The Vheist family had long been one of the smallest and least powerful, a sore spot in the family's history as being the one to resurrect the principality itself. A long, abusive life at the hands of the family had molded Vimric into a cold and uncaring man, despite his best efforts to distance himself. His wife's long illness had cast a cloud over him, their happy marriage and youth far behind them, and with his only son going mad from fever, Vimric knew he only had one choice-- he had to ascend.
Walter's mother was the only victim of Vimric's coup. Poisoned in the night, she died twisted in her bedsheets and was found by Walter. His father came when he screamed, acted the part of the grieving husband, but Walter could see-- he could hear his father's thoughts, see the blackness in his heart. Walter knew then that the voices he heard weren't his imagination, weren't him going mad, but the voices of the city of Caliphas all around him, a whole world breathing loud into his ear.
Walter's anger smoldered before catching fire. He knew his father had done it, but did not have proof. He doubted himself, and considered that he had slipped into true insanity. But the night of his mother's funeral, he confronted his father, demanded to know what he had done, offered all of the evidence he could muster. Vimric laughed and asked him if the court of Caliphas would listen to him-- an insane, rambling recluse of a boy-- or to the head of the House of Vheist? His admittance to the betrayal brought Walter over the edge, and Walter saw then the fire boil out from under his skin, felt the tug and pull of air and fire all around him. He lashed out with it, striking his father and burning him across the face, exerting the whole of his power in an enormous explosion of heat and smoke.
When the smoke cleared, House Vheist had almost burnt to the ground, and Walter's father was permanently scarred by the event. Walter was blamed for lighting the fire, cast out into the open and revealed to be struck by insanity before being locked away in the Havenguard Lunatic Asylum so he could not hurt anyone again. But his confusion, self-doubt, grief and self-hatred boiled over nightly, bringing the fire again and again.
It was then that Professor Lorrimor came to him, summoned by the head physician and founder of the institute to investigate what he believed to be the possession of a young boy by a demon. Lorrimor, skeptical, investigated and found nothing but a scared child. His famous curiosity piqued, Lorrimor stayed at the Asylum for many weeks, speaking to Walter, asking him questions, trying to discover where this boy had come from and what power he held in his hands. He spoke to others in his network of allies-- sorcerers, arcanists, even a man Lorrimor claimed to be descended of a red dragon, but none could truly offer insight into what Walter was experiencing. Walter, in his efforts to aid the professor, admitted to the voices, told him what he could see and what he could hear and showed him his power, showed him the fire he could hold in his hands. Instead of his mother's terror, Professor Lorrimor only held amazement. It wasn't long until the aging Professor convinced the orderlies to discretely release Walter into his custody.
Walter spent a summer with Lorrimor within the city of Lepidstadt, eating up the libraries, studies and secrets of the college city by day as the Professor taught at the school, and training to control his gifts by night. With time, Walter learned to control the voices, to push them to the back of his mind, to try not to hear. When Lorrimor decided to leave Lepidstadt for Ravengro in the south, he arranged for the blooming Walter to board with the Bresrin family.
Over the next three years, Walter did not see Lorrimor again, but was treated to long, rambling letters sent by his former mentor and delivered by his daughter, Kendra, who studied at the college. Though young, he was able to use Lorrimor's referral to allow himself to take classes at the college-- classes that Walter found invigorating, even at their most difficult.
When Walter received his invitation to the Professor's funeral, he knew right away that he had to go-- if at all, to say goodbye to a man who had saved him from the brink of insanity.