|Matthew Morris RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8|
An example, so you'll understand where you're losing people like me and why you have so few posts praising this work:
Kostin uttered a string of fluent Varisian under his breath
1. You don't utter under your breath, you mumble or 'mutter??' possibly.
2. And since he's a Varisian, we'll assume he's fluent in it.
3. Besides, what is he muttering, in fluent Varisian? That would be like me muttering in fluent English.
4. Fluent what? Invectives? Vulgarities? Obscenities? Your sentence tells the reader he is muttering in adjective adjective, where the noun?
Please rewrite this whole story, it is not featuring your writing in the be best possible light.