Happy New Ears'!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Illustration by Crystal Frasier

Cave raptors are sated; it's time to blog!

The holidays are an important time in every culture; they remind us of the things that really matter in life and remind us why we stay far, far away from our families most of the time. But aside from those core elements, every culture celebrates its holidays differently. As Paizo's only practicing member of the Reformed Church of Lamashtu, it falls upon me to explain Lamashtan holy days. In the interest of spreading tolerance and understanding, it seems a good idea to share that information with Paizo's fanbase as well.

A lot of myths and slander float around about Reformed Lamashtans. Rumors about blood sacrifice and stealing babies. Most of it is true, but we obsess far less over boring ceremony than Orthodox Lamashtans. A few quick cuts, a muttered "death to all," and then we move on the dinner and drinking, and we haven't used real baby since I was in junior high. Within the hour, Uncle Rax is drunk and telling his old stories about the '70s and the kids are torturing the holiday halfling. Good times, and not altogether different from the family celebrations of friends I've visited.

This past weekend marked one of my favorite family holidays: New Ears' Eve. One night a year, goblins gather together to celebrate the passage of another 12 months in the traditional way: By comparing the ears they've collected that year. Ear collecting, as you well know, goes back thousands of years. Young goblins receive their first Heary-Thing Jar during their earmitzvah, which marks a goblin's coming of age. Though the brine is changed out periodically, and few gobbers can resist the lure of the occasional pickled hearing, the jar itself is treasured and kept safe for a lifetime. Ears of victims, debtors, and civil servants are collected as keepsakes of important events or remarkably gassy days, then added to the preservative fluid. By the time New Ears' rolls around, most of us can boast half a dozen or more new additions.

Traditionally, the pecking order for the coming year is hashed out by comparing the number, size, variety, and stories surrounding the most recent audial acquisitions. Orthodox Lamashtans settle ties with the holiest of rituals: the drunken knife-fight. In the Reformed Church, the family order is largely unaffected by collections, aside from determining the favorite child for the year to come. New Ears' Eve instead gives the family an excuse to get together, talk, and enjoy ear-based cuisine (like grandma's cochleabread men and shepard's pinnea). Noisemakers are passed around so everyone can be sure they have both ears. Festive hats are worn both to gloat over the continued possession of both ears and because hats are the most sacred of head coverings. As midnight approaches, we pick the juiciest trophies from the winner's Jar, set them on fire, then let the delighted children throw them around the room. The smell of burning earwax fills the home and reminds us how lucky we are to still have a loving family. And our ears.

This lovely tradition not only brings families closer together, but it associate a sense of community and togetherness with an activity everyone loves anyway: cutting off ears and stuffing them in a jar of cold, stagnant vinegar. To this day, whenever I mutilate the body of an enemy or someone who has served me cold coffee, I can't help but think of my loving family and smile.

So, from all of us here at Paizo, to all of you out there in the Internet: Happy New Ears', and may your Heary-Thing Jar never grow waxy!

Crystal Frasier
Production Specialist