You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn't bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest taboos - writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There's no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin's face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That's where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks - firworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface's poor decision. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad's Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he's got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn't pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
WOO HOO! Chief know I best Goblin for Big Job. Rempty very proud of Mogmurch soon all tribe be proud and scared of Mogmurch!
Burn, burn, burn. Can Chuffy burn more stuff down? Send away bad luck. Better burn dan sorry!
Poog eyes the other goblins warily, his massive head tipped to one side.
"Poog best goblin to help. Burn, kill, and savage the yelps!"
Big Chief Gutwad's Moot House lies in the center of the village. All goblins know that Big Chief doesn't speak to lower goblins, 'cause if he did all the words in the goblin's head would be frightened away. No, the only goblin who can take the Big Chief's words is his adviser, Slorb (though you don't know why, Slorb is an overdressed and stuck up goblin.
After waiting outside Big Chief's house for a time, a high-pitched, nasally voice calls out;
Those goblins who Big Chief Gutwad has chosen will now enter.
Once you enter, you see Big Chief sitting precariously atop his Teeter Chair (a 6 foot tall chair, allowing him to properly look down on his subjects.) All around the house you see treasures; stolen weapons, shiny bits of treasure, and brine-pickled bodies of small furry animals (mostly the hated dog).
Sit now before the might of Big Chief Gutwad and be in awe.
Slorb intones as you enter the house.
Mogmurch pushed past the other golbins in a mad rush to be the first into the hut. Once inside he runs up to the throne and sits as close as possible with out actually touching it, bouncing up and down in excitement.
Mogmurch is here! Mogmurch is here! You want me do big job!?!?!
Poog prostrates himself flat on the ground before Big Chief Gutwad. He grovels on the ground, and perhaps even laps up some dirt with his tongue.
"What we do for Biggest, Bestest Chief Gutwad?" he asks. "Chief command, humble goblins obey!"
Reta follows the others grinning maliciously and licking he rlips from time to time as she eyes their backs. As the group enters chief Gutwad's abode and the others run towards the boss Reta keeps her distance:"GREATMIGHTYBIGCHIEF RETA HONORED BE CALLED TO YOUR PRESENCE. PLEASE TELL RETA WHO YOU WANTS STABBED AND RETA WILL STAB HIM/IT/HER ONTO TIIIIIINY LITTLE PIECES!!!" says the she gobling with buring fervor in her eyes
Big Chief looks down at the group of goblins and just as Slorb opens his mouth, the Chief begins to talk. His voice a deep, booming sound, catches Slorb off guard and you watch as the adviser falls to the dirt.
You all be heroes. EAch of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren't fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need.
He pauses for a moment to let that sink into, dense goblin heads before continuing.
Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission. You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface's hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there!
I want them for the Licktoads. you all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make the dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!
Now go. Slorb give you map. You play games, eat, drink. Burn off bad luck. Then tomorrow you get fireworks. Now leave.
With that Big Chief falls silent. Slorb picks himself up and comes forward giving you a map that shows where within the Brinestump Marsh you need to go to find what looks to be maybe a boat of some kind.
Chuffy enters the hut with the others and sits down, blood still dripping from his new kobold hat.
Mighty Gutwad. Mighty might. Big Chief, mighty might. Make the dead, make dead. He says rocking back and forth.
Mogmurch's mouth drops open and his eyes grow wide as Big Chief talks. By the time Big Chief finishes he is swaying uneasily and finally remembers to breath once Slorb stands back up. It doesn't take him long to catch his breath as he rushes Slorb trying to be the frist to get the map.
Mine! Mine! Mogmurch get map! Mogmurch got most big brain!
Poog backs out of the hut, grovelling and prostrating himself before the mighty chief.
"Yes, yes! We do all chief say!"
He tries to determine if he knows anything about the mission.
Reta nods her big head at the chief's words:"Yes yes chief mighty-great, we go there and stab them good until they give us fireworks then stab them again!" then Reta realizes what the chief said about buring bad luck away:"Burn bad luck! Drink! Play games! Stab! Stab! STAB!!!"
As the group exits the chiefìs abode a strange unease starts to worm its way inside Reta's thick skull: "Map... coast... VORKA!!! Stab??? Somehow Reta's childlike joy at the prospect of the party and the stabbings to ensue slowly evaporates...
"Chief say eat and play games. Where be party?" Poog asks.
Between incoherent mumblings and strange primal sounds Chuffy shares what he knows with the group.
Goblins, the non-hero ones, toil all afternoon to build the bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface's hut. As night falls, four struggling goblins are seen carrying the Teeter Chair with Big Chief Gutwad sitting atop. The chief looks around at the amassed goblins before pulling out a strange looking tube, like the ones found in Scribbleface's hut.
The chief lights the firework and uses it to ignite the bonfire, signalling the start of an all-night party. Goblin females begin to bring around lots of good things to eat, snails, fish, and snakes. Then more goblins bring out a large barrel of fermented cider apples, and a rush to the barrel topples over many goblins.
Big Chief leans down and whispers things to Slorb, who bellows out the words to the goblins.
Licktoads. We have party tonight for many reasons. First, our great chief says so, and he is great. Second to honor Licktoads who are also great , but not as great as our great Chief or Slorb. Last, we burn off last of bad luck from Scribbleface and his word taking. Now eat, drink, play. Be Licktoads!
"BURN LUCK BAD! BURN BAD LUUUUCK!" screams Reta at the top of her lungs.
"Me be mighty Reta! Me be licktoad! Me stab longlegs good! Me make them dead!"
Chuffy jumps from one foot to the other celebrating.
Makedeadmakedeadmakedead!
He then grabs a roasted snake and starts to bite off chuncks of it swallowing it while he laughts and spitting small pieces all around.
After Big Chief's big talk Mogmuch runs into around the fire screaming MOGMURCH GREAT GOBLIN! MOGMURCH GREAT GOBLIN! Tossing a bomb on top of the blaze if he feels like not enough goblins are paying attention to him. Once he gets tired he plops down with Rempty and lets her bring him the 'best' food and drink.
Poog be greatest goblin hero E-VAR! Me take all glory and all goblins cheer when hear of Poog.
Poog stares into the flames, oblivious to anything around him.
As the evening progresses, word has begun to spread that Big Chief has picked special goblins for a quest. Soon goblins are swarming around the would-be heroes. One small goblin child squirms his way out to stand before the "heroes". Puffing out his chest be cries out, his voice quieting the other goblins.
DARE!!!! I call dare, see if goblins are up to the honor of Big Chief's quest. the young goblin turns to look at each of you individually. I... dare... you... Dance with Squealy Nord!!
As he finishes the crowd of goblins cry out in a chorus of cries, squeals, and other noises, finally ending in a chant.
Squealy Nord! Squealy Nord! Squealy Nord
Upon his Teeter chair, you see Big Chief Gutwad motion for Slorb who listens to the words of the chief before shouting above the goblin chaos.
Big Chief agrees. Let the heroes accept the dare or not. If they do, the great Big Chief will give them something to aid in their journey form his personal collection.
You all know Squealy Nord is the tribe's fearsome board who lives in a muddy pit in the middle of the village, right next to the goblin baby cages. The mighty beast has been kept in the village because you have seen it eat goblin corpses. So keep it alive else it's ghost might come back and eat you.
Mogmurch pushes his way to the front of the crowd, Mogmurch do it! Mogmurch dance with Squealy Nord!
Dare do you little one?! Daredaredare! Me accepts you dare. But after dance Chuffy wants one'f you ears little one. Daredaredare. Chuffy says to the little goblin drawing his knife.
"Me master of most holy mounted combat. Me dance with Squealy Nord!!!" Poog dances up and down in eager anticipation.
As the others agree to the challange Reta finds herself forced to follow, else she loses face:"Reta be greeeeeaaat dancer! Reta sta... dances with squealy nord just good"
Cheer erupt from the goblin mass, even from the young one who Chuffy wants an ear from. They lead you to Squealy Nord's pit, a circular, 10 feet deep pit that is nearly 20 feet in diameter. To one side a small corral sits and inside is the vicious Squealy Nord
And older goblin, scars showing proudly along his arms and hands steps forward. Who first to dance?
Reta will st... ride squealy nord just good! Give Reta kni... ehrm... reins!" shrieks the goblin lady...
HahahahAha! Reta stink! Get fancy cloths dirty! Mogmurch strides confidently forward. Me now! Mogmurch show all how it done!
Poog claps and cheers as he watches the frenzy of pig-riding.
"Haha! Now me show how most holy mounted combat work!"
Poog casts a spell to help him ride better, then a spell to speak to the pig.
"Jy laat my ry of ek draai jy in spek."
He then attempts to mount the pig and ride.
Reta climbs onto the back of the piglet and with a cry, Squealy Nord is released down the small chute into it's pen. The piglet begins to race around, trying to shake the offending goblin off.
Screaming along with the piglet, Reta holds on tight, but as Nord takes it's first sharp turn, she is thrown off , hitting the ground hard.
The amassed goblins shreek with joy as a pair of small goblin youth corner Squealy Nord and bring her back to start. Mogmurch quickly climbs on and once again the small piglet races off into the pen. Mogmurch holds on tight, screaming along with the pig. First 5 seconds, then 10, Mogmurch things he's ridden long enough and raises a hand in victory, just as Nord suddenly stops, sending the goblin tumbling over it's head. But Mogmurch easily rolls with things and comes up to his feet.
Poog is next, casting spells as the young goblins bring Nord back. Whispers spread through the crowd as Poog leans down to whisper something in the pig's ear before signalling he's ready. Nord once again races down the opening chute and quickly dumps Poog. Who also manages to roll with the throw but not as easily as Mogmurch.
"Me intend to do that," Poog shouts as he dusts himself off.
In the spirit of the celebration Chuffy lets his anger drop and tries his hand at the challenge.
You stay good or Chuffy makes good sausage of you. The goblin whispers to the pig with menace. Hmmm sausage, tasty...
Once again, Squealy Nord is put into the chute. Chuffy clambers onto her back and holds on as the piglet is released. As soon as Nord exits the chute, she makes a hard turn and Chuffy can't quiet hold on, tumbling to the ground. And barely managing to control his tumble to avoid a large rock.
The assembled goblins all shout and jeer as none of the heroes lasted long against Nord.
Big Chief looks over the heroes before leaning down to Slorb. After a moment Slorb calls out to the group.
Licktoads! The chief is amused and so, Mogmurch come forward to receive a gift from our great chief.
As Mogmurch comes forward, Slorb reaches into a chest seatted at the chief's feet, pulling out a small gourd.
Take this Dragon Brew Gourd, and use it set fire to the Licktoad enemies.
Reta gives the pig a burning stare full of anger:"Me make note: stab the pig and stab it again!".
She observes the chief giving the gift to Mogmurch. She cheers without conviction while seething inside and planning her revenge against the pig
WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! Mogmuch best Best Goblin!
As Mogmurch receives his gift, the goblin crowd cries out louder. As the noise finally starts dying down, an old goblin with one of his ears missing steps forward.
Me dare heroes, Eat a Bag of Bull Slugs real quick. See how strong hero stomachs are.
The goblins cheer as a large covered wicker basket is brought out. Once the cover is removed, a mass of wriggling black slugs the size of sausages can be seen within. All Licktoads know that the Bull Slugs are particularly foul-tasting and can be hard to chew due to the slime they extrude.
"I so good at this!" Poog shouts, eager to go first.
Poog had seen goblins vomit after eating the slime bladder, and decided against trying it. After pulling out the extra nasty part, he quickly downed the less nasty part in quick succession.
He even decided to eat an extra four, but finally succumbed to the slugs and spit the last one out.
"Poog best slug eater of ALL time!"
Giant bacon, Chuffy cooks you good after mission. You see. Chuffy grumbles when moving away from the pig's pit.
What? Notherone?! Chuffy thinks annoyed.
Daredaredare... being hero is tiresome thing. He complains in an unhappy voice. Bull Slugs makes Chuffy blue.
Chuffy remembers night when he drunk too much fermented juice and ate bucket of slugs and how he was sick the whole next week, more than the usual at least...
Slowly and unhappilly Chuffy moves to the basket and starts to eat the slugs carefully.
The first one already dont goes down well and the little goblin spills his guts out. He tries to make up for the lost time and swallow two in a roll.
And vomits them again. Making an effort he bites another one and...
Out it goes.
After really concentrating he manages to keep one inside.
But his joy does not last.
With tears running down his eyes Chuffy starts a bizarre show of eating up slugs and violently vomiting them out. Eatingvomitingeatingvomitingeating.....
Until he finally gets a rhythm going.
Intomouthbiteswallow, intomouthbiteswallow, intomouthbiteswallow...
He forgets about the time, the party and his fellow goblins, in his mind there is only the next slug to be swallowed.
And the next
And the next
And the next
And the next
But on the final slug he just cant take it anymore! He feels the slugs crawling up back to his mouth and in a half belch half scream puke them all over the place.
No momma, please momma, no more slugs, please momma.
And passes out on the dirty floor sick as a dog, face turning blue.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Mogmurch too Best to eat slugs. Poog win! Chuffy Lose! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Reta stares at the slugs decided to prove herself to the chief this time:"Me Reta Bigbad, mightiest slug eater evar!" she screams
Reta gulps down slug after slug spitting just a couple out. When she's finished her turn she shakes her knife at the other goblins as a gesture of triumph... just before giving a loud bleach.