Goblins III: The Farce Awakens! (Inactive)

Game Master Dave Young 992

Reta's AC after charge was 22. I confess I looked at the GM rolls and it rolled a 17. Of course, there could be bonuses that you decided to not include in the roll which would make sense.

Ref: 1d20 + 10 ⇒ (18) + 10 = 28

Avoiding most of the blast, Reta is not happy about being burned. She swings wildly at the man who just lost his horse.

Pirhana Strike(Full attack)
Attack #1: Main hand +1 Adm. Dogslicer: 1d20 + 13 ⇒ (3) + 13 = 16
Damage: 1d4 + 14 ⇒ (3) + 14 = 17

Attack #1: Off-hand +1 Dogslicer: 1d20 + 13 ⇒ (2) + 13 = 15
Damage: 1d4 + 11 ⇒ (4) + 11 = 15

Attack #2: Main hand +1 Adm. Dogslicer: 1d20 + 8 ⇒ (8) + 8 = 16
Damage: 1d4 + 14 ⇒ (2) + 14 = 16

Attack #2: Off-hand +1 Dogslicer: 1d20 + 8 ⇒ (4) + 8 = 12
Damage: 1d4 + 11 ⇒ (1) + 11 = 12

AC 26; Hp's 55/76

Reta can't seem to get her dogslicers through the man's armor.

Velag steps forward, taking a position opposite Joboo, then starts slashing away.

I'm assuming that Joboo and Velag, having worked together, would have approached in a way to allow flanking.

+1 Frost Shortsword (Left Hand): 1d20 + 15 - 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 ⇒ (4) + 15 - 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 = 25 Damage: 1d4 + 3 + 2 + 3 + 1d6 ⇒ (2) + 3 + 2 + 3 + (5) = 15 And Frost: 1d6 ⇒ 6

+1 Shortsword (Right Hand): 1d20 + 15 - 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 ⇒ (18) + 15 - 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 = 39 Damage: 1d4 + 3 + 2 + 3 + 1d6 ⇒ (3) + 3 + 2 + 3 + (4) = 15

+1 Frost Shortsword (Left, Iterative): 1d20 + 10 - 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 ⇒ (15) + 10 - 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 = 31 Damage: 1d4 + 3 + 2 + 3 + 1d6 ⇒ (1) + 3 + 2 + 3 + (5) = 14 And Frost: 1d6 ⇒ 3

Velag drops the visible human. Nasty bit of sword-kill.

Reta, I don't know what to say. I think you'll do better next time. We all roll crap, about half the time.

Reta, I don't know what to say. I think you'll do better next time. We all roll crap, about half the time.

It's no big deal. I kid you not when I say it happens in all my threads. It's annoying as crap, but hey, you get used to it. *Shrugs* :p

Reta visibly pouts as Velag manages to take down the human while she didn't get to. Glaring at her weapons, "STOOPID SLICERS!" She then looks around, searching for the second enemy. "WHERE OTHER LONGSHANK?"

Velag sees her perfectly.

Velag points, "She up there, fly like Bucko. Throw magic like Bucko, too."

"She's there all covereds in glittery dusts, An she maybe blinds alsos."

"Targets practices!"
Crossbow, light
Attack 1d20 + 9 ⇒ (15) + 9 = 24
Damage 1d6 + 1 ⇒ (5) + 1 = 6

The glittering woman thinks better of the situation, and flies back to her horse, which is still hasted, and rides away as fast as she can.

The armored guy has a lot of stuff, though.

Velag says, "Should have killed stoopit horse. Want go get her, or just eat this one? It might have goodies."

It's entirely up to you.

Reta gets off the goblin dog and looks through the pockets of the dead human. "RETA NOT CARE ABOUT OTHER STOOPID LONGSHANK. AND RETA NO LIKE TASTE OF LONGSHANKS," she says as she searches the man.

Bucko builds a fire and using his magical cauldron of brewing, he starts a fresh batch of horse stew....
"We's should goes backs to towns and reports these stoopids humans to tha other humanses. We talks to them nice an they tries to kills us fer no reasons they must be evil banditses!"

Bucko gets a cool point. In fact, you all do. You've done cool things in G3.

A cool point is because you did something cool. You get a free re-roll of any roll you make, once. If you don't use it before you level, you lose it.

You're over halfway to 9th.

You have some goodies to distribute or sell. The weapons are too big, but everything else is one-size-fits-all.

bump.

Snazzy.

Velag says, "What stuff do, Bucko?"

Bucko builds a fire and using his magical cauldron of brewing, he starts a fresh batch of horse stew....

"We's should goes backs to towns and reports these stoopids humans to tha other humanses. We talks to them nice an they tries to kills us fer no reasons they must be evil banditses!"

Reta nods. "THAT GOOD IDEA. AND IF THEY DO NOTHING ABOUT EVIL LONGSHANKS THAT TRY KILL US... THEN WE KILL THEM. RETA THINK THAT FAIR."

Reta looks over at Bucko, "YEAH, BUCKO, WHAT STUFF DO?"

Yeah. What stuff do, Bucko?

Velag says, "Go back is good idea. There prolly reward. Reward gives more shinies. That good too."

"e's had lotses o potions to be drinked an shared, we drinks them now or laters?"

"This ones makes party harders (bear's endurance), this ones rare brews o heally dirt (potion of cure serious wounds), This ones grows body but not heads an makes yous looks like stoopid huuumans (potion of enlarge person), this ones flies like bucko (potion of fly), this no potion but makes good meatet tenders (acid flask) maybe use on horse stew?...these two makes fire! (alchemists fire) an this one gets ride of bad smells in dump trench(holy water)"

Bucko has most of the horse stewing, but he has set up the +1 breastplate as a tender meat stir fry area and is using the +2 longsword for butchering and the +1 short sword to flip meat...

"He hases other stuffs, but yous wants to me looks at shieneis or you wants me to cookses?"

The smell of tender boneless pan seared horse meat fills the local area.....

The goblins feast. Bucko can identify the rest of the stuff as he likes. Nothing you want, other than the potions, but it's worth a lot.

Bucko has most of the horse stewing, but he has set up the +1 breastplate as a tender meat stir fry area and is using the +2 longsword for butchering and the +1 short sword to flip meat...

Lol! Now that is a fantastically, unique way to use magical weapons! Absolute greatness! :)

"OOOOOOO! RETA WANT THAT ONE!" She points at the potion of bear's endurance, clapping in excitement.

Velag says, "Cook now. Shinies later. Fly juice be good... too bad only one."

He looks over at Reta, then shrugs, "You sure you not need heal?"

Huffing and puffing in frustration, "Fine. Reta take yucky medicine too. BUT SHE STILL WANT THAT ONE!" She nods emphatically, staring at the aforementioned potion. "RETA NOT WANT FLY POTION THOUGH. JUST BEAR POTION." As her eyes move over to the healing potion, she can't help but roll them. "And I guess the yucky medicine one still." A look of disgust comes over her at the mere thought of it.

Bucko chows down on the horse meat and hands the potions to the goblin who requested it.

He tastes the stew and throws in wild onions and garlic....

You encounter nothing the rest of the day. Night falls and there is much merriment, since the guy also had some booze.

Just give me us a standard watch order I can use.

Reta will take first watch.

Velag watch next.

Joboo and his leftenants are nowhere in sight.

Perhaps the 2 goblins who meet you on Velag's watch will make up for that.

"What we does todays? We takes dead man to town an tells them to beware o bandits an tha flyin lady?"

Tests the breastplate for residual heat with is finger.....
satisfied he picks it up....

"These weapons magics, but big one too big maybe sells it."

You could take the items back to Kaer Maga and sell them easily enough. You only just left.

Velag nods, "That's a gooder idea. If we no sell, then, Gutwad ask for, and then have to ruff up chief."

Gutwad? How you knows my name? Never... wait... I Gutcutter. I forget sometimes.

Erratically changing subjects and pointing at the breastplate,

Where'd you get shiny thing? I wants. I let you sell, you give me some. Okees? Okees.

Looking at Bucko, drawing bow and aiming across sky,

Yous say flyin lady? Where? I bring her down, and use my pointy whip. She fly no mores. I find her!

find flyin lady in sky!: 1d20 + 15 ⇒ (3) + 15 = 18

Silly gobo, no flyin lady. Need to open eyes more better

Now we know flyin lady just pretend, where was you guys going? ... I hungry. Where's the food?

Reta rolls her eyes. "FLYING LADY LEAVE LONG TIME AGO, STOOPID," she tells the newcomer. She then turns to Bucko, "THAT GOOD IDEA, BUCKO. WE TELL STOOPID LONGSHANKS ABOUT EVIL BANDITS AND FLYING LADY, WE GET AWARD FROM STOOPID LONGSHANKS, AND THEN WE SELL STUFF TO STOOPID LONGSHANKS. THAT GOOD. AND STOOPID LONGSHANKS." Reta giggles, covering her mouth as she does, getting a kick out of herself.

"Here has horse stews, Bucko makes plenty lots. Sky lady long tones she scared away when's man kills himself. Yes we goes backs and claim rewards for catches bad man an tells them they no talks just attackses!"

Bucko puts a glob of horse stew on the breastplate and hands it to the new guy...

"We goes to town an not burners it down an not kills humanses, needses humanses to get magics likes no gobbie kingdom ever has!"

You return to Kaer Maga without incident. You sell the stuff as per normal. It's a big enough and weird enough place. I didn't calculate the value of the treasure, but it's OK.

You burned a day, though, and will likely stay the night, again. Your mounts need rest, if not you.

Velag says, "We give you chance to earn new shinies. There almost always stoopit longshanks. Sometime frogbogs. We pretty much always get good eatses.... and fun toyses."

He chuckles, "Once, there were four-armed blue guy. Took in ship. We saves him. Kills orcs. Good times."

"Stoopit longshanks? Is any udder kind? Gutcutter not usually 'earn' shinies, takes them. Sometimes longshanks don't know, very sneaky. Sometimes longshanks have pointy whip inside them *teehee*"

I'm really excited to have Gutcutter with us. Bucko and Velag are the originals. They started this silliness, and they stay silly. I'm working hard to give you some something. Our front-liner girl is killing very well, usually. She's from Brinestump Marsh, too.

This is the funniest campaign I ever read (including 2). I can't believe I started it. Thanks for being total a-holes. You need to commit.

It works.

"Wes kills longwhankses when hungry or when longshanks banditses attackses us, we not kills stoopids for fun, it no fun to kills longshanks any mores, longshanks kills too easy an is not funs!"

"Besides longshanks has bars fulls of good drinkses o all sorts like potions an fun to drinks till everting is upside downs!"

"Upside down? That's... funny? Weird? I not knows, never had. Gutcutter will need to try silly drinks! If we no kill longshanks because too easy, maybe somedays we fight dragons! Now, Gutcutter go look for good potions"

potion of bear's endurance, potion of cure serious wounds, potion of enlarge person, potion of fly, acid flask, alchemist's fire (2), holy water; Other Gear +1 breastplate, +2 longsword, +1 short sword, heavy mace, masterwork shortbow with 20 arrows, amulet of natural armor +1, belt of giant strength +2, cloak of resistance +1, ring of protection +1, antitoxin, backpack, bedroll, crowbar, everburning torch, grappling hook, hemp rope (50 ft.), tankard, trail rations (2), waterskin, 88 gp.

You sell everything but the expendables for 10,400 gp. 2600 gp apiece! That should get a gobbie drunk, or buy some potions, scrolls, whatever.

Gobbie drunk? And so it is done!

Gutcutter walks around the town looking for a bar, asking random stoopit longshanks

"Hey, yous there! Where can Gutcutter find silly drinks? Silly drinks make... ummm... oh what did cook gob say... oh oh, silly drinks make all the stuffs like THIS"

Handstand: 1d20 + 17 ⇒ (16) + 17 = 33

Bucko and company show up back in town with the man's dead body in tow.

"This man is bandit, him and stoopid woman bandit attacks gobbies fer no reasons. I even greets them friendly an they still attacks us!"

"It ok for gobbies to eats bandits?"
Bucko is still working to figure out human customs

Points Gutcutter to the bar.....

"Yous best be carefuls, bandits bad an tries to kills fer no reasons!"

Gutcutter stops and thinks or whatever the goblin equivalent is...

"Oh, I knows! If banditses attack, I run outside doing this"

Gutcutter proceeds to jump up and down, waving his arms letting out as loud of a mix of yodeling and random screaming as his tiny goblin lungs allow. With a triumphant, smug grin, he says

"Perfect plan. Not need to worry about bandits then. Work perfectly... or maybe I just steal their clothses."

potion of bear's endurance, potion of cure serious wounds, potion of enlarge person, potion of fly, acid flask, alchemist's fire (2), holy water; Other Gear +1 breastplate, +2 longsword, +1 short sword, heavy mace, masterwork shortbow with 20 arrows, amulet of natural armor +1, belt of giant strength +2, cloak of resistance +1, ring of protection +1, antitoxin, backpack, bedroll, crowbar, everburning torch, grappling hook, hemp rope (50 ft.), tankard, trail rations (2), waterskin, 88 gp.

What are all these items?

Reta nods at Gutcutter. "RETA THINK THAT GOOD PLAN TOO. RETA THINK THAT WILL SCARE EVIL BANDITS AWAY. IF PLAN NOT WORK, THEN RETA THINK IT NOT A VERY GOOD PLAN," she says disgruntled, crossing her arms and letting out a huff at how bad the plan has failed even though it has yet to be tried.

Ok I only caught this because I played him a couple days ago -- Looking at the gear we sold, did you guys seriously kill Level 7 Valeros pregen lol?

"Of course is good plan. Gutcutter never has bad plan. Except that time with longshank, tomato, and purple rock. That was very bad idea..."