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When yet another shipment of sun orchid elixir disappears on its way to Pashow, the desperate Emir Guldis secretly seeks help to locate the missing convoy. Pashow cannot endure much longer without the elixir’s gold, under risk of insurrection and conflict with Aspenthar. To avoid famine and war, the PCs must follow the missing caravan’s trail through the deserts of Thuvia. Their quest leads to a city erased from history, and into the millennial dream of its slumbering ruler.
Through the Dream Sands is an adventure designed for 5th-level characters. By the end of the module, characters should be 6th-level.
Adventure Background
Pashow rejoices as it prepares to host the sun orchid elixir auction. Streets are filled with acts and performers from Lamasara, and merchants from all over Thuvia conduct their business in bustling open markets. The Emir has gone out of his way to ensure the event’s profitability, inviting the most prestigious and wealthy people of Garund and Avistan to place their bids for the miraculous solution. Banquets, balls and other delights await the Emir’s guests in the week preceding the auction, a kindness designed to put the bidders in generous mood. All would be well, except for one critical complication: the elixir never made it to Pashow, and is presumed stolen.
After losing other shipments to teleporting mishaps in previous years, Emir Guldis opted for a more conservative approach this time. Three heavily defended caravans were sent to the Citadel of the Alchemist to fetch the elixir, and each took a different route back to Pashow. The two decoys arrived a couple of days ago, but the one carrying the real vials did not.
Yet, contrary to Emir Guldis’ fears, the elixir was not taken. Attacked by the Amushar tribe, most of the Emir’s men escaped through a mountain pass, heading into a valley dreaded by their pursuers. The fleeing caravan pushed through an electrical sandstorm, reaching an unnaturally peaceful area amidst the violent winds. There they found a city lost to memory and history, and sought shelter. However, mysterious powers within the city have trapped the unwary refugees in the shared dream of its inhabitants. Unable to wake up, these Thuvians – and their precious cargo – now wait for deliverance.
Meanwhile, desperation has set in at the Emir’s palace. Only Emir Guldis and a few trustworthy advisors are aware of the current situation. If word of the missing caravan gets out, the implications are dire: the auction will be ruined, costing hundreds of thousands of gold pieces, and civil unrest is sure to take over the streets, as the already troubled city sinks further into debt and poverty. Agitators shall embrace the chance to depose Guldis and hand the throne to princess Ziralia of Aspenthar.
The Emir demanded his counselors find someone to solve the problem. Fearful of the insurgents hidden among the locals, the counselors have turned their eyes to foreign adventurers. The chosen heroes must bring the sun orchid elixir to Pashow by the end of the week.
Adventure Hooks
• The cultural and economical boom draws the PCs to Pashow, where they can find exotic items or enjoy the artistic venues;
• The Emir’s guests travel with large retinues and heavy purses. One of the guests has hired the PCs to escort him;
• The PCs are placing a bid in the name of a friend or employer who could not attend personally;
• Spellcasters may be interested in visiting Pashow for its reputation as a center of arcane excellence;
• Expecting a large influx of gold into his business, a friend invites the PCs to Pashow to share his good fortune and enjoy the occasion.
Emir Guldis has prepared a grandiose reception for his guests. A celebration takes place in the main square, with music and reenactments of famous comedies. While the common folk occupy the ground, the Emir and his guests sit in the tribune overlooking the crowd.
Distant shouting disrupts the festivity. Three men arrive wounded and dehydrated, babbling disturbing news regarding the elixir shipment. The Emir immediately recognizes the survivors of his lost caravan. The men are taken away, but the crowd’s disposition shifts drastically as rumors of another lost shipment spread. A riot begins. The crowd hurls objects and insults at the tribune, and fights break out.
PCs may attempt to calm the people, saving dozens of innocents. While doing so, they spot a man aiming a crossbow at the tribunes. If the PCs stop the agitator, they take credit for saving the Emir’s life; otherwise, the fired bolt hits Emir Guldis in the shoulder. An old wizard steps into the tribune and holds up an iron case; raising the lid, he reveals the six vials of sun orchid elixir, reassuring the crowd. PCs can make Will saves to see past the wizard’s illusion and notice that the box is empty. The deception is enough to end the riot, but festivities are over for the day.
The old wizard invites the PCs to meet at the palace. During a sumptuous dinner, the old man explains the situation and pleads them to help the city. The Emir offers a reward should the group complete their mission in seven days: they must rescue the elixir by oathday, when the bids are opened. The wizard supplies the PCs with provisions, mounts and maps indicating the caravan’s route. According to the three survivors, the caravan was attacked by the Amushar tribe, two days away from Pashow.
The Amushar are scorpion-riding sulis that live in a tightly-knit matriarchal community. Famous for high-profile heists and kidnappings, they hold rare stolen goods and often keep prisoners for ransom. Despite their brutality in battle, these tribesmen are surprisingly civilized when negotiating their merchandise.
Retracing the caravan’s steps, the PCs are attacked by an Amushar band mounted in giant scorpions. The Amushar riders attempt to capture the PCs alive. If defeated, the tribesmen surrender and propose to exchange their lives for the Thuvian prisoners. They lead the PCs to their camp, but know nothing about the sun orchid elixir.
The camp consists of exuberant tents raised in a circle, and a few cage wagons in which the tribe keeps prisoners, treasures and unusual pets. The PCs meet Amata, a tenacious middle-aged woman who holds complete authority over the tribe. Amata does not possess the elixir, but has valuable information to trade. If the PCs cannot meet her price, she offers a gamble: they will fight her pet criosphinx in a combat to death. If they win, she hands them the captive Thuvians and helpful information, and the PCs may keep their Amushar prisoners if they so desire. Otherwise, Amata keeps the PCs’ loot.
According to Amata, the caravan fled past a mountain pass called the Stray Archway into an inhospitable valley, a region immersed in a furious electrical sandstorm for as long as the Amushar remember. The Amushar captured or killed only part of the caravan before giving up pursuit. The rest of the convoy rode into the storm carrying the elixir, and is probably still roaming inside it.
The PCs cross the Stray Archway and reach the sandstorm a few miles into the arid valley. They must make checks to avoid getting lost in the storm. From time to time, the PCs come across fallen travelers and their dead mounts, half-buried in the sands. Bound aghashes empower the sandstorm, while lightning elementals generate the electrical charges. Following the caravan’s trail, the PCs soon reach a peaceful bubble amidst the raging sands. There rests Xardas.
The sandstorm clouds the sky and completely surrounds Xardas. Streets show no signs of recent activity; still, the city does not look abandoned at all – on the contrary, it is in pristine condition. Buildings are clean and clear of sand, and exquisite gardens of clay sculptures inlaid with gemstones replace what used to be lively flower beds. A quick exploration reveals that everyone in the city seems asleep, but feverish moans denote haunted dreams. The PCs notice a faint lullaby that pervades the whole town. Soon after entering Xardas, they are attacked by dreamlings.
The whole human population is under a sleeping curse, but other creatures inhabit the city. The PCs should explore the area using a sandbox approach to locate the caravan and the elixir.
A. Mystic Monolith
Wizards of ancient Xardas used this plain rectangular tower as headquarters. Protected by magical traps, it now houses haunts and poltergeists. Clay tablets stored inside deal extensively with divination and conjuration through dreams, and contain a ritual that will help the PCs reach another plane later on. Other tablets tell the city’s tale.
In 830 AR, Xardas was a powerful city-state ruled by the sorcerer-king Beldusar. The king’s expansionism, combined with unparalleled greed and cruelty, made Xardas a hated enemy across the lands. To put and end to Beldusar’s reign of terror, spellcasters from dominated regions combined their forces to lay a supernatural siege to Xardas, creating an impassable magical sandstorm that also blocked teleportation. The Xardanian wizards created a protective bubble around the city, but could not dispel the storm. Cut apart from trade routes, Xardas quickly succumbed to hunger and thirst. Divinations indicated that the magic behind the storm would fade over time. To save the city, the local wizards invoked a sleeping curse that would preserve the citizens until Xardas could rise again. The ritual was centered on King Beldusar: when the time came, he would wake and lead his people back to glory. The wizards summoned a guardian to look after the king and his subjects, for the curse could be lifted by the king’s premature death.
The wizards perished performing the weeks-long ritual, incapable of including themselves in the effect. Their demise spawned poltergeists and a haunt that continuously chants a somber, drowsy lullaby.
B. Royal Palace
Terra-cotta soldiers protect the royal palace’s entrances. King Beldusar lies in his bedchamber, dreaming of wealth and power. He is a crossblooded sorcerer with the dreamspun and protean bloodlines, and the interaction of his arcane inheritance with the sleeping curse has created a small sentient demiplane shaped by his mind. The palace is also home to dreamlings and an animate dream (young simple template). A fractured piece of Beldusar’s mind, the animate dream is responsible for dragging the Xardanians’ consciousnesses into the king’s demiplane, and his mere presence makes sleeping a dangerous undertaking. Dreamlings spun from Beldusar’s demiplane serve his hoarding compulsion, shifting between planes to fetch him treasure. They have taken the sun orchid elixir to the dream realm.
C. Keeper’s Sanctum
The ancient wizards summoned a shaitan genie and magically bound him to look after the city. For the past millennia, the creature known as the Keeper has spent every day of his existence preserving Xardas and ensuring the safety of its inhabitants. Over the years, the lonely genie replaced the city’s dead flowers with clay and gemstone sculptures, using jewels from the royal treasure. He resides in one of these precious artificial gardens, and constantly fights dreamlings that try to steal the gems. The Keeper is indifferent to the PCs as long as they do not harm the city or its population, but the PCs can improve his attitude by indulging his yearning for company and games of chance. Gaining the genie’s friendship is helpful down the road. Thanks to a magic cloak given to him by the wizards, the Keeper knows that the Xardanians are suffering trapped in Beldusar’s dream.
D. Temple of Nethys
A gang of sandmen hides in the temple of Nethys. They were originally summoned to help the Keeper, but somehow escaped the shaitan’s control and started a killing spree. To protect the Xardanians, the Keeper sealed them inside the temple ages ago; however, the Thuvian refugees broke into the building seeking help from their god, thus releasing the creatures. Wary of attacking the Xardanians again, the sandmen instead take their time with the caravan members, slowly savoring each kill. The sandmen’s sleep aura keeps their victims unconscious, and the animate dream has managed to drag the Thuvians’ minds into Beldusar’s dream.
After gathering all information, the PCs learn that the elixir is in Beldusar’s demiplane. Killing the king right away would forever lock the elixir and the Xardanians’ in an unaccessible demiplane. They must instead physically enter Beldusar’s dream to retrieve the item and wake him up from within. Guided by the Mystic Monolith tablets and with the Keeper’s aid, the PCs can peek into Beldusar’s dream and verbally project those images in a lump of clay, that is then dissolved in water. The puddle of clay turns into a portal to the other plane.
Going through the portal, PCs land in small isles of sharp obsidian shards afloat in a sea of quicksilver. Colors, sounds and smells amalgamate in a synesthetic chaos. The metallic ocean spreads for as far as the eye can see, mirroring the shifting sky, while an imposing ziggurat stands atop a hovering pyroclastic cloud. Rivers of lava cascade from the cloud into the sea, creating rolling mists of poisonous gas. Dreamlings are virtually everywhere, but ignore the PCs and are harmless inside this demiplane; however, Beldusar can use them as raw material to create other creatures of his imagination. The king detects the intruders and rises from the mercury in liquid metal form; he threatens the PCs and melts away summoning chromed tentacles that attack the invaders.
Beldusar dwells in his treasure chamber deep inside the ziggurat. To reach the building, the PCs use a flight of floating steps spiraling up towards the volcanic cloud. Climbing the stairs proves tricky: the steps move constantly, and geysers of boiling quicksilver and poisonous steam shoot from below. Flying characters are also affected by the geysers.
The PCs can walk above the pyroclastic smoke. Beldusar’s image reappears, this time made of ashes and amber. He demands submission, and starts pulling monstrous heads from the cloud, creating a pyrohydra. After defeating the hydra, the PCs reach the ziggurat, but cannot locate any entrances. They must solve a puzzle to find their way in, where a labyrinth of mirrors awaits them. Beldusars materializes behind the mirrors and shows the PCs their worst nightmares, while the PCs’ distorted reflections portray them as persons they dread becoming. They must conquer their fears to get out of the maze.
At the ziggurat’s main chamber, corridors filled with cellblocks irradiate from the circular room, and a central spiral staircase ends in the ceiling. The cells are overcrowded with the consciousnesses of the Xardanians. The chamber’s floor starts crumbling, revealing a giant mouth below. Within its maws, multiple rows of sharp teeth encircle a pool of lava; it speaks with Beldusar’s voice and spits a flame drake against the PCs. Through a secret door at the top of the stairway, they can reach the treasure chamber.
Beldusar sits in a throne at the center of the room, surrounded by chained slaves and huge heaps of gold. Most of the hoard comes from his imagination, but some was brought by dreamlings from the material plane. If the PCs try to reason with Beldusar, he refuses to wake up; he sees himself an immortal god inside his realm, and is unwilling to trade this existence for a lesser one in the material plane. With a gesture, Beldusar unshackles the slaves and transforms them in reflections of himself. Piles of treasure tumble down to bury the PCs. The heroes must pick the true Beldusar from the crowd and destroy his dream persona in a final showdown.
With Beldusar defeated, the demiplane collapses, spilling the sun orchid elixir case and all other physical contents in the material plane. PCs return to the royal bedchamber, where the Keeper stands peacefully by Beldusar’s comatose body. The Xardanians remain asleep, and PCs must slay the king to finally lift the curse. Compelled by by the ancient wizards’ magic, the Keeper unwillingly fights the PCs to protect the king. As the genie dies, he thanks the PCs for delivering him from his millennial burden.
Beldusar’s death releases a powerful wave of arcane magic that wakes the whole city.
Conclusion
The PCs can help the Xardanians cross the sandstorm and build new lives, away from Xardas. With the sun orchid elixir in hands, they return to Pashow and receive the Emir’s reward and gratitude. The auction is successful and the people of Pashow commemorate the prospect of better days. Xardanians spread the tale of the PC’s deeds throughout the country; in time, their names reach the five cities of Thuvia, hurrayed in taverns and celebrated in poems and songs.
Initial Impression: The Lost City meets Desert of Desolation meets RE Howard--two great old school modules and one of the best all time authors. Heck, this almost feels like a Conan story. On my first read through of the various submissions, this one struck me right away as the best. I also like the end of story options--helping the people build new lives, etc. This is more than the "get phat lewt" ending (not to bag on old school modules that give you Blackrazor and Wave and Whelm, for instance, but this is just more modern and more creative and better, though I still want Blackrazor). Plus it has a demi-plane. Sorry, that's just rad. Cool ending with the thankful genie. Not sure if this is well balanced and well thought through, seems more adventure notes than real pitch. Not quite as fully formed as Steven's, but the core idea seems better. Again, you guys are making this hard this year. We'll have to see how it all ends up when I really tear into all of them, but from the title to the end, this one really grabbed me. Nice work, Pedro!
Creative Director
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First of all, congratulations on making it to the final round! That's an accomplishment in and of itself! My review of the proposal (as with the other three proposal reviews) focuses primarily upon how the proposal fits into the Inner Sea region, how interesting the proposal is as a whole, and any potential changes/trouble spots we’ll need to have addressed should the proposal end up winning. I'm going to present feedback with very little sugar-coating as well, since I've always felt that frank and honest feedback is more valuable.
Title: An interesting title. I don’t have any idea what the “Dream Sands” are, but they sound interesting, at least. The “Through” part of the title I’m not so fond of. Hmm... thinking a bit more... I think “The Dreaming Sands” works much better as a title.
Location: Thuvia! Yes! I approve!
Plot: Ah, the Sun Orchid Elixir! I was wondering when we’d get a full on proposal for you! This has been one of the Inner Sea region’s more interesting elements to me from the start, and while there’s been bits and pieces about it popping up here and there, I was always kinda sad that we never did get around to doing an actual adventure involving it that was actually set in Thuvia. Alas... I think this type of adventure needs to be for much higher level PCs than 5th level.
- 1) Setting is great; I’ve wanted to feature Thuvia in something for a while, if only a single location in a book like “Lost Cities” but it kept being skipped over for other stuff.
- 2) I do like lost cities, and setting this adventure in one is cool and absolutely within Thuvia’s themes, but see Development Concern #2.
- 3) I quite like Xardas’s history, even if I don’t like the city’s name (see Development Concern #9.
- 4) There’s a lot of potential for some really cool scenes and stuff in the dreamscape portion of the adventure.
- 1) The Sun Orchid Elixir is a pretty big deal. It’s something that nations fight over, that the highest level NPCs in the region covet. Having it feature in an adventure for mere 5th level adventures will be... tricky. Since if word gets out that a group of 5th level adventures have a dose of it in their possession—or even that they’re looking for it—it won’t be long before a LOT of powerful NPCs come after them. Further complicating things is the fact that Thuvia doesn’t put chumps in charge of guarding the elixir on its journey across the sands—they have tough, high CR protection. And anything that can take them out is certainly not going to be afraid of 5th level characters.
- 2) A lost city is a VERY COMPLEX thing to pull off in an adventure. It works best when presented as a sandbox, and that means you need a lot of room to detail it. It also works best when you have a lot of map support for the city’s key buildings, and that’s something that’s tough to pull off, even in a longer adventure.
- 3) The adventure doesn’t start soon enough. By which I mean the PCs should not be there when the guards arrive—that’s unnecessary. The adventure should begin with the PCs setting off on the journey to find the missing caravan—that section should be no further than 1,400 words into the adventure. AKA: The PCs should be setting out for the missing caravan by the adventure’s 2nd page of text.
- 4) Time limits are really tricky to pull off in an adventure. And the lower level you get, the trickier it gets. At higher level, when the PCs have lots more resources, they’re not as bad... but traveling across a desert at 5th level is gonna take time. You need to give the PCs a LOT longer than a single week to finish this adventure.
- 5) Probably my LEAST favorite part of the remake of the Clash of the Titans movie was the janni riding the giant scorpions. Not only are suli not really appropriate creatures for Thuvia (they fit better further east, in Qadira), the idea of a tribe of them riding giant scorpions makes me make the sour, cranky face. Replace these with girtablilus from Bestiary 3 and suddenly my sour cranky face transforms into a gleeful delighted face. Of course... girtablilus are CR 8... but as I note in Final Thoughts below, this adventure needs to be higher level, so if this proposal wins, CR 8 girtablilus won’t be an issue.
- 6) This adventure’s bonus location should be the girtablilu campsite the PCs visit early on, not “the Stray Archway.” The Stray Archway is a place the PCs have to pass through, after all, and serves as the main adventure site’s front door. It’s not bonus at all.
- 7) Nemret Noktoria is a pretty powerful place. A rag-tag group of dwarves lost during the Quest for Sky would most likely be obliterated if they “clashed” with that city. Although if they were captured and then the ones who managed to escape were the ones who ended up in the mountains of Thuvia... that could work.
- 8) Dreamling swarms don’t really do it for me. A monster, in my opinion, lives or dies based in large part on its artwork, and a dreamling swarm doesn’t sound like it looks like anything other than a cloud of sparkle. I’d rather see something with a shape be the new monster. We’ve already got animate dreams, in any event.
- 9) Xardas was bothering me as a name. Then I realized why. Say it out loud, and it sounds exactly like you’re saying “Zardoz.” Unless you want everyone playing this adventure to make jokes about giant floating heads and Sean Connery wearing that sexy red outfit he wore in the movie, I’d like the name to change.
- 10) Remember that any powerful magical city capable of erecting protective bubbles around the entire city is also likely to have a large number of clerics in addition to wizards... which means plenty of create water and create food and water spells, which means “the city quickly succumbs to hunger and thirst” doesn’t work as well. You need to address that if you want the city to starve and go thirsty; it could be a simple matter of scale—as in “Seven Days to the Grave” we show how a large city with lots of clerics still isn’t enough to stop a virulent plague. If the city’s big enough, then those clerics and other divine spellcasters won’t be able to save them from starvation and thirst... but they can certainly fight that fate. Again... just needs to be considered.
- 11) Terra-cotta soldiers are more of a Tian Xia monster than a Thuvia monster. There’s plenty of other constructs to choose from.
- 12) Be VERY CAREFUL when you apply the young simple template... ESPECIALLY when you do so to an incorporeal monster like an animate dream. The penalties of the young template matter less to an incorporeal creature, and the benefits actually are quite strong for them. It’s not a good template to use when you want to diminish an incorporeal creature’s power—you’re better off building an entire variant stat block for that type of thing.
- 13) Once the PCs enter the dreamscape, things suddenly go from the sandbox themes of exploring the lost city into a very railroady series of events. I’d like to see some sandbox elements in the dreamscape as well.
- 14) There’s an awful lot of weirdness going on in the dreamscape. Which is as it probably should be, but keep in mind that the weirder things get with talking pyroclastic clouds and the like, the less room for individual encounters you’ll have since they take up more room. It also makes mapping these locations pretty tricky...
Okay... this adventure seems far too high level in theme for a 5th level adventure. The presence of the sun-orchid elixir itself would do that on its own, but with things like animate dreams and shaitans popping up, it just really feels like this adventure needs to be a lot higher level. Especially when you work in all of the outlandish themes going on with the dreamscape—these aren’t even questions of power, but questions of basic stories. Oh... and there’s NO WAY a group can finish this adventure in 7 days. That time limit really needs to be significantly expanded! It’s certainly an interesting story and has some cool elements to it... but it’s not a 5th level adventure in my opinion. Making it work as a 5th level adventure would likely require some significant changes to the plot (not the least of which would be finding something to sub in for the Sun Orchid Elixir), while keeping those elements would require revising the level higher, which is kind of unfair to the other proposals in a way since they DID (for the most part) adhere to the 5th level requirement in theme. It’s a tough call, because I really DO like this adventure’s overall plot.
I do not recommend "Through the Dream Sands" for consideration as the winner of RPG Superstar 2013.
Final Analysis: Pedro, now that I've chewed on and thought about all the submissions, I'm sorry to say my initial impression didn't last. I do love the themes and concepts, but I have a number of concerns that make this difficult for me to recommend. You have to remember, I am used to reading submissions as a third party publisher. Meaning, if I wanted to change things, I could. But this is a contest. The excitement I had really was for some of the higher level components of your proposal and I could see sexing them up. But that isn't fair in judging the other proposals. Keeping the adventure within the bounds of the contest level would really require cutting much of that fun stuff out (or scaling up the level, which we aren't free to do). Plus, there are just some "tells" here that show me you aren't quite ready for full adventure authorship--the time limits, the level issues, etc.
There is a lot to like here, and I know for sure we will be hearing from you. But in my final analysis this one just isn't quite as fully baked as the two that I recommend for consideration. I want you to take away this: I think you are crazy creative and I think you have had a great run in this contest.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND this entry be considered as the final winner of RPG Superstar 2013.
Contributor; Publisher, Kobold Press; RPG Superstar Judge
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Premise and Style: A caravan and a lost city in an exotic Arabian style, and an ugly mob scene at the start? Sign me up for the quest with the cool setting and multiple hooks!
Writing: Much improved over the first couple rounds, when I had my doubts about your ability to deliver text at the very high level required. Bravo for improvement here. The use of language and the flow of this pitch is really strong in the first two sections. I think it gets away from you again a little in the Part 3 flights of description, though that is the sort of thing that can be edited back.
Novelty/Originality/Cool Factor: Everything in this adventure offers fantasy flavor, from the magical auction to the desperate city-state to the difficulties of finding a caravan lost in the desert. It’s heroic, unusual, and full of style and excitement. It is compelling and new, even when it borrows pulp tropes from Conan or a bit of style from Jack Vance. You make it your own. Well done on tone and cool, this adventure is probably the strongest on cool factor.
Entertainment & Plotting: I think this is a wonderful collection of high adventure, desperate searching, and pulp danger—though I think James has excellent points on the setting and level problems, and the developer may wind up working harder on this than he or she might on another of the options. The adventure is likely trying to cram too many scenes or encounters into the space available, as a whole lost city is extremely tough to deliver.
However, the encounters are original, the dangers are fun, and I really want to play this thing. There are bits I suspect need changing, like the valley that the caravan enters so conveniently and the time limit, but I think both problems are easy to fix or remove at the outline stage. Overall, the plot elements work well.
Recommendation: Pedro, I didn’t like every one of your rounds and you've got areas of weakness, but you've also brought vitality, risk, and originality in all your pitches. I like this one quite a bit, enough to put it into my top two despite the issues that other judges have noted. This is a compelling outline with the right elements to keep tension high and adventure interesting, even if some of the rough edges need adjustment.
I DO RECOMMEND this as one of my top two.
Lost cities shrouded in magic are cool.
I like the use of sulis, and scorpion mounts are cool. Even if James doesn't like them. ;)
I like the threat of dreams (very Nightmare Before Elm Street and the lonely shaitan--I like encounters with monsters that don't have to be resolved with combat.
I like that you use the dream realm as an opportunity to create bizarre scenery--it allows you to create interesting environments without having to explain why such a strange place would exist on (real) Golarion.
Pedro, we've mentioned some languages issues with your earlier rounds and I think you have come a LONG way in tightening up your English writing, which is impressive because I'm sure English isn't your native language. Good job on that!
Between this and the Seven Veils adventure proposal we have two different altered reality/dream realm/illusion realm submissions. I think this one is the more straightforward of the two and something any GM should be able to run. It has a few development problems, as James mentioned, but I think this would be a fun adventure to run and play.
I do recommend people vote for this submission for RPG Superstar 2013!
I would love to see this as a 12-14th level adventure. It feels a lot like Inception.
Wow, this one grabbed me right away. Even before I got to Clark's comment, I was thinking of old Conan stories as that guy does find a lot of missing cities. However, I do really like Conan stories and I like the imagery in those one. From James's comment about the sun orchid elixir, it may sound like if this were to win, they might change it. However, I think you can replace the sun orchid elixir with really anything. I haven't fully read through the other submissions yet, but this is definitely a contender for my vote.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka burrahobbit
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I love the "dreaming city" setting, with its Arabian Nights/Robert E. Howard flavor. The "Dreamscape" part of the adventure is something I'd be really excited about running or playing through -- weird and eerie. I do agree with James's comment that the setup takes too much time and the "adventure" part could start sooner. All in all, though, this is very cool. Nice work!
Stealing a page from Clark-narks playbook I'll be posting a first impression then a more in depth review. We'll start with 3 basic questions before moving on reading everything and giving a detailed review.
First Impression:
At its heart roleplaying games are about telling an entertaining story that the players get star in. Does your proposal do that? Yes, though I've read a similar dessert lost city with dream sands recently from another prospective games designer that pulled this off better.
Would I enjoy playing it? Yes. Writing-wise you did a really good job.
Would I enjoy running it? Maybe, Id muck with it, its just in my nature and I'd prolly rework this in a way you'd no longer recognize. Would I have fun ding it? Yes, would it still be yours? prolly not.
Through the Dream Sands
Good
-I like deserts. I like desert adventures.
-Good opening which provides a logical explanation why the PCs are chosen for the task at hand as well as underlining the importance of the elixirs.
-The dreaming city is really evocative place to adventure in; it’s a creation to be proud of. By the time the PCs enter the king’s dream things are getting positively Boomer-esque. Alongside Matthew’s Seven Veils Masquerade, Through the Dreaming Sands (hmm, just got the name wrong, but I like ‘Dreaming Sands’ better than ‘Dream Sands’, although it might be less accurate in terms of describing the adventure) is one of the ‘big ideas’ of the four proposals. For me, it just pushes ahead of Matthew’s adventure by offering a greater variety of locales (desert and dreamscape).
-Sandbox city; this will win fans. Also makes a pleasing pun.
-The cloak of wakefulness is my favourite item in the four proposals. I think it’d be even cooler if it was cursed to make sleep impossible for its wearer – no mechanical penalties, but a very interesting story element for the PC wearing it.
-Buried by treasure? Excellent! I’ve had more than a few PCs who’ve deserved such a fate.
- The adventure ends with the PCs killing the king in his sleep. Dark. I like this kind of moral conundrum, although if there’s a paladin in the party his player’s likely hurling dice at the GMs head by now.
Not Necessarily Good
-The sun orchid elixirs might be a somewhat obvious adventure hook for anyone who’s read the Inner Sea World Guide. Still, with the presentation as good as this my initial hesitation was quashed.
-Perhaps more could have been made of the desert sand/hourglass sand running out association of the module’s title. Part one’s title ‘Running Sands’ seems to play with this a little, but I didn’t get much of a sense of urgency reading the proposal, although by set-up there is obviously is a need to get the elixirs back as quickly as possible.
-The opening scene reminds a little of Clash of the Kingslayers.
-As a desert fan, I’d like to have seen a few more interesting desert encounters on the journey to the city, but that’s just because I’m greedy, and to be honest, you probably wouldn’t have space.
-Which leads me too . . . has Pedro fallen into the classic pitfall of trying to cram too much awesome into a short adventure module?
-The city seems like a big place to explore (at least it feels it should be). If the PCs rest in the city, do they also suffer from the effects of the curse when they fall asleep? That’s fine by me, it adds to that missing sense of urgency and raises the stakes and difficulty of the adventure, but I’d like to have read something about the consequences.
-To a degree, Pedro’s adventure seems too epic for its level. On the other hand, if a 5th level adventure can still be 5th level and also be on an epic scale, perhaps that’s something to be celebrated.
After Reading Judges’ Comments
James – Neat, a man who likes dinosaurs agrees with me, at least on the ‘Dreaming Sands’ part. Although I quite like the ‘Through’ element as it provides a sense of movement. After all, you have to go through a sandstorm to reach the city, and then through a dream to complete your quest.
James – He says he’ll let it be a higher level. Or maybe not. Hmm, in my opinion, once a proposal’s been won, let it change as it demands. Feel wise the story might not be 5th level, but CR wise I guess it is (otherwise the judges would have said something), so I don’t think a post-victory (if Pedro’s the lucky winner) change would be unfair.
Wolfgang & SKR – Seconding the comments on writing. Considering English isn’t your mother tongue, you’re doing very well.
After reading all the submissions and giving myself some time to mull it over, I'm voting for Pedro. There'll no doubt need to be some scaling back and tinkering to bring this to publication, but I'm confident the great creativity at its core will keep shining through.
I hope this wins, but I really love all the contributions so whoever is the victor, there's a great adventure on the way.
And the final review for this year...
Wow, Deserts of Desolation gets the Pathfinder treatment- I have played that old adventure and have run it for groups more times than I care to remember - in fact, only two others have I run more often - Temple of Elemental Evil and Tomb of Horrors.
You have hit a favorite theme of mine, deserts, Arabian Knights, shifting sands, uncovered long forgotten city, it's all there.
Setting wise, this is a winner and may just change my vote.
Looking at the current module publications, even with the expanded page count, cities tend to be products in themselves - what you could do here is only partially unveil a small portion of a lost city from beneath the shifting sand dunes for example. This would allow the scale of the encounter areas to use much of the revealed area without taking up too much page count for a whole city.
I think you probably try to cover too much for a single adventure and the level of the PC's as mentioned before might prove provblematical - especially when, in addition to the planned encounters, you take into account environmental effects on the PC's - the environment would be quite harsh and may introduce elements of fatigue or dehydration to the mix.
I think for me, this could be viewed as the initial stage of planning an archaeological/expeditionary foray into a recently uncovered lost city Adventure Path based wholly in the lost city rather than a single adventure module. I think as your experience grows, you will be much more accurate on the scale of your proposals but for now, this miss-step is the reason that you don't snatch my vote on the last review.
I am 100% positive you will go on to be published numerous times, the improvement in your use of language is incredible to behold over the last couple of months. I wish you every well in every opportunity that comes your way.
partially unveil a small portion of a lost city from beneath the shifting sand dunes for example.
Neat idea!
This one might not be fully baked, but it is indeed, the most creative and exciting of the proposal; I personally value those two qualities in a proposal more than how complete the proposal might be! I want this developed, and as such you'll get my vote.
FYI Wulfgang has done a "lost city" adventure exceptionally well within a 32 page count (Crucible of Chaos). The more i think of it, elements of this adventure also reminds me of another Wulfgang adventure a bit as well (From Shore to Sea).
Wow Pedro & congratulations,
Best title of the four IMHO. This is well plotted and has lots of really great images. The journey to the city, the city itself and of course the dreamlands. I think fighting in dreams/demi-planes will lose some players, but since it is a small portion and a well-paced climax of the story this is in good shape. The additional area has enough story to be an area, and again the images are awesome.
You have earned Top 4 and RPGSuperStar, Good luck!
I would love to run this! This is one of the coolest adventure ideas I've ever read. Also, I think a bit of the awesome/level balance problem could be mitigated with mythic levels. That provides a very good reason for a low-level party to be considered for the job.
You got my vote. Whilst this has a fair few problems, they're all problems that can easily be fixed. And it's the most evocative and enticing of the four.
Pedro, there is a lot going on here, and with the ambitious submission last round we can see you either aren't afraid to think big, or you just can't reign in the scope. Either way I don't really mind - this is definitely in my top two, and most probably edging into top pick.
The adventure has a great secret, a fantastic location and excellent mini plots - it's evocative not only of Basic B4 The Lost City but also X4-5 Master of the Desert Nomads/Temple of Death and an old Russian folktale I think was called the City of Stone. Love it.
There are some pacing issues - the first scene needn't start the way it does, as suggested, and even if so it needn't be described so minutely in this submission; even the central premise - the sun-orchid elixir - needs a little tweak IMHO and as specified by James, but there is so much else here that is damn cool. Nice one Pedro, good luck and congratulations on making the top 4!!!
P.S. Love the Scorpion riders!
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I have also played and loved 2e Desert of Desolation and have fond memories of it to this day. I still talk about what happened to my characters even though it has been almost 20 years since I played it. This submission made me think of those old days gone past, but right off the bat, just as all the judges have mentioned, I knew it was not the right level to rescue the elixer.
After reading your first two paragraphs I made an internal bet that the judges would also see this, and they did.
I am not going to comment on the rest of your submission because the level issue was way to glaring of an error for me to vote for this submission.
I did like it a lot, and it made my imagination run away with me.
The archway, the suli giant scorpion riders, and the mystic monolith were my favorites, and having run LoF and using giant scorpion with gnoll druids riding them, I got to see much coolness in my game with this combo. Kudos for that.
I know I had two votes, but only one deserved it in my opinion.
I will be honest, last year this probably would have been the strongest submission, and I would have voted for it over the Ebon Destoryers.
But as we know, timing is everything. I just wanted to know you were my #2 because of my love of desert adventure, but that wasnt enough to overcome the true power of Steven's submission.
Good luck to you and I hope to see you contribute in some way to the PF modules line.
CC
Pedro, you've been one of my favorites since the beginning, and I really like this adventure. But, as the others have mentioned, you've got some pretty huge issues with scale going on.
Still, I agree that people absolutely have needed an adventure based on the sun orchid elixir for a long time, and Thuvia, too. It's one of those places I've looked forward to seeing more of, even though it's not likely to get much love for a good while yet.
IF the adventure's level scope is changed, and IF you tighten up the clash between the sandbox and time limit, I think this would be an awesome adventure.
Without them, I worry that you're going to get a lot of frustration.
Good luck!
Thanks everyone for the reading and commenting the submission and an even bigger "thank you" if you voted for this proposal!
Sean, I know I've had missteps along the way, but I was thrilled to get so many recommendations from you. It kept me highly motivated.
Wolfgang, you were the one that came down hardest on me (well, you and GM Solspiral), but always in a constructive and polite manner. I was constantly trying to win you over (both of you). :) So, reading your comments in the last round was really exciting. And to be honest, I like that you keep pointing my weaknesses. Your feedback keeps me on my toes.
Clark, I'm sorry you didn't find this fully baked - I guess it isn't - but on the other hand I'm flattered you liked the core idea. Your comments kept me searching for that "big idea"; I don't know if I found it, but I was definetely thinking about your advice all the way through the competition and asking myself "is this cool, is this epic?". So thanks for that. :)
And yes, I know this is corny, but I just wanted to say it. :)
Finally, James' in-depth, point-by-point analysis is fascinating to read, and I'd like to go through the issues he raises. It's not really a rebuttal, but more of an explanation of my choices.
1. I was hesitant to use the sun orchid elixir as a hook. I wanted to do something in Thuvia, because there's little published about it. Like James (Conder) said, the elixir is kind of an obvious hook when it comes to Thuvia, but since there has never been a module or PFS scenario set in the country (that I know of), I thought it might deserve some attention. Pashow's story allowed for a nice setup, so I went that route. I think I got too comfortable with the idea after sending the adventure pitch before Round 5; I'd already mentioned the elixir and overall plot, and got a green light. Looking back, I understand that what James was green lighting when looking at the pitches was if they overlapped with future Paizo projects, and nothing else - your idea was still your call. I agree with that approach; we shouldn't need any hand holding at this point.
Which brings us to the level problem. I've chosen CRs accordingly for each encounter, but as James Jacobs points out, there's a conceptual problem regarding the game world: 5th level character wouldn't be trusted to protect the elixir. I get it. It's something everybody wants. I let my enthusiasm for the story get the best of me, and disregarded power level for the PC's task, even if the CRs are right. This said, I believe there are ways around that. I won't elaborate much but I'm positive it is possible to create a convincing setup to get 5th level characters into this situation. It would definetely increase the secrecy, urgency and danger of the mission, and in some ways I think it's exciting as a player to be in over your head. I do like to give major responsibilities to low-level parties, if the story allows.
2. I had worries about the size a lost city would take in the module, and for that reason I tried to keep the important locations to a minimum. I hoped to describe the rest of the city in a few paragraphs. Then again, I don't really have that much experience building a sandbox lost city. :)
3. When I was listing the adventure's locations in my first draft, I had a big "No! Adventure starts in the desert!" written right next to "Pashow". But again, exactly because there's little info on Thuvia, I wanted the PCs to spend some time in the city and get involved with the culture. Storywise, I still think it would be nice, but I see that it's not practical and wastes some space.
4. Can't argue against the time limit. It should be increased. I measured Thuvia's map using its scale and the distances aren't that great between Pashow and the Alchemist Citadel, but there's a lot to do, so PCs will definitely need more time.
5. Truth is, I never watched Clash of the Titans. :P I knew the scorpion riders weren't the most original thing in the world, but the only reference I found about it was in some videogame. I considered swapping them for giant scarabs, but I thought that was a little boring and too Osirioni. In the end I went with the rule of cool and stuck to the Scorpions. Personally, I prefer the sulis over the girtablilus because I imagined the Amushar as humanoid, so it's hard for me to see them as monstrous creatures. But girtablilus are interesting and it would be a nice opportunity to use them.
6. I was a little confused with the concept of the bonus location, and I thought this would be ok because Pcs don't actually explore the archway, they just walk past it.
7. Love the idea of the fugitive dwarves. It's certainly more dramatic and traumatic.
8. I think monster creation is not my biggest strength. :P
9. Xardas vs. Zardoz - argh! Didn't get that, and believe me, I've tried many names. There's no way I could've foressen that because the writing is so different it doesn't show on google, and I had never seen that horrible, horrible picture of Sean Connery.
10. That was an oversight. I guess I could say that Beldusar exiled the clerics of Nethys to become a god-king?
11. I am fully aware that the terra-cotta soldiers are totally inspired by the chinese warriors of Xian, but I figured, since they are sculptures, after all, maybe we could have an ancient Thuvian version that looked like this. I had an earth/sand/clay theme going on in the city and I didn`t want to use golems, I felt they were too modern. :)
12. I read the simple template and thought it wouldn't work too well with the animate dream. But I needed to scale it down lest someone say "this CR is too high". I probably should've just written "lower CR variant" or something like that.
13. The dreamscape is kind of a railroad because I didn't want to create yeat another world to explore, because of space. And in the end, they are there with a clear purpose: to find and deal with Beldusar. So I saw it as a straight line with some obstacles thrown in the way. But it would be fun to make this a sandbox, too.
Again, thanks everyone. I've loved reading what you all had to say each round and I'll definitely miss that RPG Superstar logo on the left!