to whom it may concern.
dear sir/madam.
i don't know you, but i've heard nothing but good about the legendary land of Paizo and its population of goodhearted, veteran adventurers. it is to you that i address this letter, seeking advice about my current predicament.
perhaps i should explain. a group of adventurers recently came through my town on their way to slaying the local dragon, and word got out that they were looking for an apprentice. all my life i've been regailed with the storys of adventurers and their heroics, so i foolishly signed their contract and joined up.
that was three days ago. in that time i have carried what feels like several tons across hundreds of miles of trackless mountain, been killed by all manner of death-traps, been roasted by the dragon they were trying to slay,and been raised at least a dozen times by our cleric. i've sent a letter to the henchman's union, but all they were able to tell me is that the contract i signed was magical in nature and thus unbreakable.
please, you're my last chance. what should i do?
help me!
Stab the cleric in their sleep, that way when you die on the next tour of some monsters digestive tract you can, at worst, only be shunted off into a more pleasant hell.
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Dear Mr. Drop,
I have also read your letter with considerable disgust. If the contract is binding and magical in nature, perhaps its destruction will win your freedom? If this does not work out, make a deal with an infernal power to break the contract in exchange for giving them vital information on the adventurers who have turned your life into a living hell, thus allowing said infernal power to punish them accordingly as is their wont. Best of luck to you.
Dear Pazioites.
i'm sorry if my handwriting is hard to read, as today the cleric was at some form of religeous ceremony and so the task of restoring me to life fell to the group's druid. i've had the misfortune of being reincarnated as a female elf, which is not only getting me funny looks from the fighter but has also extended my theoretical lifespan almost 7-fold. this would be great except that it means that i'm doomed to serve the groups decendents as henchman (henchwoman? i'm not sure what to call myself anymore). on the bright side the cleric still isn't back, so my next death should have me transform into something less long-lived (and hopefully male!).
it would appear that the group's wizard is paranoid when it comes to making contracts, as not only does mine not allow me to take any action that might harm the party, their loved ones, their friends, or even their friends pets (with almost three pages specifying what is meant by harm) but it also requires me to be willing to be returned from the dead. boy, i wasn't expecting that clause to be such a big issue.
last time i died i managed to wrangle a quick detour into hell, where as luck would have it i met up with a former bully turned contract devil. a second piece of luck was that not only had this man gone to the grave owing me a favor, but he still remembered! he's agreed to give my contract a look over in his spare time.
thank you again for your corrospondance. it's the only thing that's been keeping me going.
yours, Fueldrop.
Dear Potential Host,
Your predicament is touching, and greatly movies my old Chaotic hearts. If you would but send me a more detailed description of your location, I would be happy to dispatch a few of our finest employees with your own personal slaad larvae to incubate. Not only will you be helping poor needy larvae with a home and nutrition, you will also be helping yourself to an early death and bringing death to your cruel slave-driving taskmasters.
Won't you think of the slaad children?
Gunther "Side" Slaad
H.O.S.T. Interplanar Charities
Dear FeulDrop
An elder Slaad can help keep to young "egglings" in a somewhat straight line. And when it comes to a contract, there really is no such thing as a contract to a slaad.
Spicy Nacho Slaad
My name is trademarked.
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Dear FuelDrop,
If I am understanding your OP correctly, this is an apprentice contract? If so, your employers as obligated to provide training for profession development. Please identify and select a mentor amongst the adventurers. Fawning sycophants are found in every society and have much upward mobility.
If this is not palatable I suggest a completely opposite approach.
Having worked in an environment that was, um, not accepting of employee rights unless it directly benefitted the immediate chain of command, might I recomend a period of slow and incompetent effort in the ways of adventuring? Acknowledge all problems as your fault and accept all blame. You may encourage the sale of your indentured contract to another employer; perhaps a singing troupe that might benefit from your new found off-key efforts that regrettably attracted local denizens displeasure.
Been there, Done that, now catching arrows.
Recknball
Dear Pazioites.
over the last few days the party has been investigating the disappearances of several caravans, and have come to the conclusion that the local orcs are responseable. when i pointed out that there are several tribes nearby, some of whom are known trade partners of the local villages, the party fighter told me that it was obviously the closest tribe, and that i 'shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it'. i've had it up to here with the man's sexism.
anyway, this morning they attacked the tribe and, surprise surprise, none of the missing items. during the attack there was of course a friendly casualty. guess who?
Yup. i've been reincarnated again... as an orc. just my luck.
my contact in hell tells me that my contract is unbreakable, but is up for review in a year or so. now that there's a possible end in sight i think i'll be able to soldier on. will keep you aprised of developments as they occur.
thank you all once again for your support,
FuelDrop.
PS: are there any other henchmen out there to share their stories? together, we can make our voices heard!
What sort of magic do they use to return you to life? It seems that they are spending a quite large amount of gold on restoring you to full working conditions? Do their enterprises provide them with adequate profits to warrant such expenses? If not then you might discovered some sort of tax-related scam or money laundering scheme. Consider hinting the authorities, you might get your chance for freedom if the party is apprehended.
Dear Person in Peril,
All you need to do is turn the wizzits turnwise and be sure to stand on the platform of the ninnies while singing a jaunty tune about laundry.
Prof. Chaos
Dear Prof. Chaos
though your advice was of considerable help, my party laughed at the resulting snogworkals and killed them off for the 'XP', whatever that is. will try to find another platform and repeat.
sincerely, FuelDrop