Scenario 18's that weren't accepted


Society Scenario Submissions


My own submission wasn't good enough for Josh to even read beyond the first paragraph, so I won't trouble the board regulars with it, but for those who DID have decent submissions, but didn't quite make it, I post this thread for comparing notes.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Well he got to about Encounter 4 in mine before giving up. Enjoy!

Introduction
The day the Last Azlanti passed from Golarion Embler Volthyn warred with the esurient undead of Ustalav, finding scant sanctuary behind the brandished Winged-Eye. Presently he reawakened as one of his erstwhile prey.

Spoiler:
JF - I asked four editors if they could tell me what esurient was right off the top of their head—only one knew. Avoid using words that are not in common use as they trip up the reader and force them to search for the word. On the positive side, I know what esurient means now.

Do I get a prize for the “Most obscure word used in an adventure submission”? I’m sure there’s a trophy somewhere for that. Who was the guy that knew? That guy’s a freak!

Embler, one of the Pathfinder’s shadowy Decemvirate, returned to the Grand Lodge in Absalom intent on ruling the entire Society. His coup d'état failed and, taking pity on his plight, the Society endeavored to rejuvenate the soul of the now-imprisoned monster.

Spoiler:
JF - A common choice with this scenario was to out a Decemvirate member. They are masked and secretive—we won't be outing them.

Bugger.


Using the travel logs of journeymen Pathfinders, the Decemvirate ordered a desperate, secretive mission to wrest fey from the deep Verduran Forest. Bound to arcane apparatus, it was theorised that the abundant life-force of these creatures would counteract the insidious taint of undeath in their colleague.
Spoiler:
JF - "arcane apparatus" should ready "arcane apparatuses" in context. Also, is this a Queen's English spelling of that word? In the US, that would be a spelling error.

Fair cop. ‘Theorised’ is the spelling in question, which is correct by the Queen’s English (the type I’ve used for 30 years – It’s hard to intentionally spell things incorrectly.)

The attempt met with disaster and the vampire impotently confronted with its traditional banes.

Spoiler:
JF-Such as?
The shattered fey were left where they lay and the clandestine magical laboratory sealed. The forgotten fey rose soon after as confused lost souls, linked to their confined master.
The scenario starts with all hell breaking loose in the main banquet hall of the Grand Lodge during an impressive formal dinner.

Encounter #1
Escaped from the vault, a gang of invisible Vampire Spawn Pixies enter the hall and spread chaos during the dinner, causing an unruly melee. The PCs are drawn into battling some of their ensorcelled compatriots until sanity prevails. The PCs are introduced to several less than reputable Pathfinders who have used the fracas to settle scores with old rivals.

Spoiler:
Highlighted passive voice. Also, starting the scenario at a dinner party is rather un-Pathfinder Society unless you give me a really good reason why they're all there.

Encounter #2
When the gore-bathed outlines of the pixies are found feasting on the withered body of the head cook a frenetic hunt begins, with each of the Pathfinder factions eager to receive kudos for ending the threat. This encounter involves the PCs crashing through 101 random rooms of the Grand Lodge (conveniently showing off the whole place in 5 minutes) pursuing the fleeing sprites and remaining one step ahead of their rival Pathfinders through agility, guile and successful skill checks.
Spoiler:
JF - Egads—101 rooms? Do you know how hard of a map that'll be to illustrate and for the GM to draw? Also, factions is singular in that context.

After reading some of the literal interpretations from the PF17 thread I knew that would happen. If I mean “a varied list of rooms, between 20 and 30, unmapped and treated as a single continuous encounter” I should write that.


Encounter #3
The pixies’ trail leads the PCs down to the ruins of the vault’s door. Inside Sephamore has terraformed the laboratory over the years into a sinister thicket, complete with lush moss, rainforest plants and a trickling waterfall. It is populated with swarms of roiling butterflies, wide-eyed hares, and skittish deer – all malevolent.

Littered in the dell are century-old notes outlining the immoral undertaking performed here.

Spoiler:
JF - Highlighted passive voice. Also, rainforests need a lot of sunlight and a lot of water to survive, yet I see no reason why we should believe one could exist in a vault below the lodge.

I had imagined that a nymph’s ability to cast as a 7th level druid, including daylight, create water and control water would have been enough. But I needed to spell out the ‘how’ more clearly.


Encounter #4
The verdant wilderness continues throughout the complex into Sephamore’s (an aberrant vampire-nymph) personal water-filled grotto. The nymph has spent the decades rebuilding a replica of her forest home with druidic magic. The incessant call of savage bloodlust causes her to eventually attack the PCs, but not before some opportune sanity-challenged exposition.

Her opening gambit is to cast control water in the chamber, flooding it, bringing the risk of drowning into play. Note that Sephamore and Embler’s souls have been inextricably linked, creating a mutual shield other effect between them.

Spoiler:
JF - So Sephamore just shows up here. Who is she and why isn't she in the introduction? Random encounters as part of the plot = bad design. Sure, a party can have a random encounter when traveling a forest between two cities in a home brew, but in a scenario there are a limited number of encounters and each should tie directly to the plot—move the story forward always.

Not mentioned by name in the intro, but as one of the “fey”. Specifically she was the last hooked up to the apparatus with Embler and now they share an essence. She’s actually more important to the plot than Embler is to be honest. More exposition obviously required.


Encounter #5

Embler remains trapped in a cylindrical wall of force holding chamber, at the PCs’ mercy. He will attempt to dominate a member of the party (to lower the wall) whilst engaging the party in conversation, slyly hinting at powerful secrets. If released, the vampire wastes no time in sating his desperate, century-long bloodlust.

Conclusion

The PCs are sworn to secrecy by the upper echelons of the Pathfinder society before being returned to the castle as conquering heroes.

Faction Missions

Andoran – Suffer no insults from the Taldorans and reply in kind. (Fight in the great hall)
Chelax – Find a point of leverage on the Decemvirate to use as blackmail (from Embler)
Osirion – Be alert for any unique magic rituals (the fey-vampire combination notes)
Qadia – Recover any information about trade routes (the travel logs of the Pathfinders)
Taldor – Discover the identity of one of the Decemvirate (from Embler)

Notes

These vampires, due to their mixing with fey, have a different set of specific weaknesses.
• Coal instead of garlic
• Cold iron instead of wooden stakes
• Immune to immersion in running water
• Prisms instead of mirrors (mirrors create shadows instead)

Dark Archive

Summary of my rejected post: PCs have to stop the PFS' past experiment in wizardly resurrection when one of the subjects goes on a killing spree.

Josh's critique: No "wow" plot; plodding, not well-paced; first sentence, paragraph didn't grab him; too much passive voice; silver dragon cleric was too "Dragonlance".

Post up, folks!

Paizo Employee Director of Brand Strategy

Charles Evans 25 wrote:
My own submission wasn't good enough for Josh to even read beyond the first paragraph, so I won't trouble the board regulars with it, but for those who DID have decent submissions, but didn't quite make it, I post this thread for comparing notes.

Really, Charles, as I said in the chat. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you're overreacting and taking it rather personally.

Liberty's Edge

I like the pixie vampire spawn.
They should get a t.v. show at least.

Liberty's Edge

I think the forest coulda grown on accounta blood rituals, with a ghoul light artifisial sun.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Heathansson wrote:

I like the pixie vampire spawn.

They should get a t.v. show at least.

Better for kids than the Teletubbies I suppose...

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8

Charles Evans 25 wrote:
My own submission wasn't good enough for Josh to even read beyond the first paragraph, so I won't trouble the board regulars with it, but for those who DID have decent submissions, but didn't quite make it, I post this thread for comparing notes.

Hey Charles, I think Josh was swamped with this one and didn't say more than he had to. He didn't make comments beyond the first paragraph or so with mine either.

That's cool though. He showed me very clearly where I lost him. Josh wrote: "Your first paragraph needs to wow me. This does not. The last sentence is a very long, run-on sentence and I need a clearer understanding of what's going on. You use some weird subject-verb relations so that most of the time I don't know who you're talking about." Reading it again with a few weeks distance from it, I realize the sentence Josh was commenting on was an awkward sentence.

Liberty's Edge

Charles Evans 25 wrote:
My own submission wasn't good enough for Josh to even read beyond the first paragraph, so I won't trouble the board regulars with it, but for those who DID have decent submissions, but didn't quite make it, I post this thread for comparing notes.

Yeah dude; don't sweat it. It's hard to expose your guts like that, man. I turned one in a long time ago, when they had a Dungeon magazine, and nobody ever said nothing, and....I didn't want to know.

It was cool though, I don't care what nobody says. They can kiss my grits.
Remember, Steven King's wife fished Carrie outta the garbage can.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8

The Trouble With Secrets

I, who was first amongst you, am no longer of you. I am irredeemiably other. When I was of you, I hungered for knowledge. Now, I simply hunger. You will come for me now. You will need to see what I have become. You will need to know what I know. I will be waiting.—The Last Journal of Naddisar Bausch, Pathfinder

Spoiler:
JF: Avoid quotes. You're wasting space and its unnecessary.

Naddisar Baush’s last journal, delivered by courier to the lodge, persuaded his fellow pathfinder and lover Battaiya Jissee to seek him out. Returning from her quest as a vampire, she attempted to convince the Decemvirate that she was not wholly evil and could be saved. The suspicious Decemvirate agreed to imprison Battaiya in the vaults beneath the Grand Lodge. The Ten designed a chamber in the vaults from which even Battaiya Jissee could not escape, thus foiling Naddisar’s intention to have Battaiya retrieve artifacts arcane and wholly evil that he had helped collect for the Pathfinders and now sought for his own ends.

Spoiler:
JF: Your first paragraph needs to wow me. This does not. The last sentence is a very long, run-on sentence and I need a clearer understanding of what's going on. You use some weird subject-verb relations so that most of the time I don't know who you're talking about.
For your next submission focus on these things:
1. clear, concise plot outline with well-defined goals and events
2. crisp, well-written first paragraph
3. Re-read your entire submission out loud. Chances are if it sounds bad as you read it out loud it'll sound bad when I read it.

Introduction

A minor tremor is felt in Absalom. Protocol requires that all Pathfinders report to the nearest lodge. The morning after the tremor, a venture captain sends the PCs on an errand. For reasons of safety, she explains, the key to certain vaults is kept in the Torchtower of Hogsback Bay, a lighthouse a few hours ride to the west of Absalom. The PCs are asked to retrieve it.

Encounter 1: An Errand to Hogsback Bay

While nearing the lighthouse, the PCs are attacked by sea cats. If the PCs resolve this encounter without killing the sea cats, the torchtower warden (half-elf druid level 7) rewards them with information about the vaults.

Tiers 5-6: 2 sea cats (CR 4).
Tiers 8-9: 4 sea cats (CR 4).

Encounter 2: Deep in the Earth

By the time the PCs have returned from Hogsback Bay, the venture captain knows Battaiya is free. The PCs will be escorted to an iron cage that lowers into a ‘riddle room’ containing: a riddle, a stand covered in symbols, a diorama, and far more keyholes than the PCs have keys. Solving the riddle identifies which keyholes are not trapped.

Encounter 3: Greet Them With Fire

Beyond the riddle room is a maze of vaults. Battaiya has only had time to break into a vault that contained ancient Osirion artifacts and numerous sarcophagi. When the PCs approach, she will crush one of the following before taking flight and hiding in the chamber where she was originally trapped:

Tiers 5-6: Elemental Gem (Fire) releasing a large fire elemental (CR 5).
Tiers 8-9: Efreeti bottle releasing an insane efreeti (CR 8).

Encounter 4: Douse Them With Water

A deep gulley circles a raised platform on which Battaiya’s coffin sits. Water continually runs through the gulley and out through a drain. The earthquake blocked the entrance to the gulley and allowed it to empty of water, freeing Battaiya.
By the time the PCs enter this room, the water is running again. Unable to reach her coffin, Battaiya is hiding in bat form near the entrance. If the PCs enter the chamber, she will escape and trigger a fail-safe that closes the chamber door and blocks the drain causing the room to fill with water.

Tiers 5-6: Flooding Room Trap (Search DC 20; Disable Device DC 25); Stone Door (DC 20 to lift; Hardness 8, hp 45; Break DC 25).
Tiers 8-9: Flooding Room Trap (Search DC 20; Disable Device DC 25); Stone Door (DC 24 to lift; Hardness 8, hp 60; Break DC 30).

Encounter 5: Something in the Air

Battaiya continues to seek the artifacts Naddisar demanded but struggles to disable a trap on a nearby chamber door. As the PCs exit the coffin chamber, explosive runes upon that door explode. Anticipating the PCs’ escape, Battaiya has already summoned swarms of bats to aid her. The bats will arrive 2 rounds after combat begins.

Tiers 5-6: Battaiya (Vampire, Rogue 5; CR 7); 21 points of damage from the explosive runes. Two bat swarms.
Tiers 8-9: Battaiya (Vampire, Rogue 7; CR 9); no damage from the explosive runes. Five bat swarms.

If defeated, Battaiya rests in one of the sarcophagi in the Osirion vault.

Conclusion

Once the PCs return to the surface, they will be debriefed and subjected to detect evil, detect magic, and zone of truth spells in order to ascertain that they have not been dominated by or carried with them any of the evil artifacts contained within the vaults.

Liberty's Edge

Dementrius wrote:
Heathansson wrote:

I like the pixie vampire spawn.

They should get a t.v. show at least.
Better for kids than the Teletubbies I suppose...

I'm seeing CG cartoon, with action figures at Hot Topic in the mall.

(edit)seriously; I like them. That's kinda effed up, lil pixie vampires.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Heathansson wrote:
Dementrius wrote:
Heathansson wrote:

I like the pixie vampire spawn.

They should get a t.v. show at least.
Better for kids than the Teletubbies I suppose...

I'm seeing CG cartoon, with action figures at Hot Topic in the mall.

(edit)seriously; I like them. That's kinda effed up, lil pixie vampires.

They're the best action figures ever - they're just under the effects of improved invisibility all the time. It's not an empty box I swear!

Thirsty little buggers...

Liberty's Edge

Clear hologram figures, like the Star Wars figures!!! For when they're invisible.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Heathansson wrote:
Clear hologram figures, like the Star Wars figures!!! For when they're invisible.

Now that we've got the merchandising out of the way, we can start filming! It's gonna be hard to find little uniforms that are both goth and have tiny cute bells on.

Liberty's Edge

I'm seeing clothing line.

Dark Archive

Mine looks to have hit the circular file after the second paragraph -- badly written and too "big" in theme (Aroden's death, the failure of prophecies during the Age of Lost Omens, a new godling).

Much the same as my #17 this one suffered from being cut down from a (much) longer original draft, with the answers to some of Josh's questions ("But that's not what I meant ...") having been redacted away on the way down to 750 words. Again, perhaps concentrating too much on the "what" of the scenarios encounters rather than the background "how/why". One of the key problems I have is trying to figure out how to explain everything within the word limit, how to write a 750 word summary rather than a redacted 2000 word one.

I figured the theme was possibly too big, but then again I think I latched too strongly onto the reference in the spec to the vault having been sealed just over a century ago, and assumed this was a prompt to tie it to something specific that happened just over a century ago.

Much like #17 there are some specific problems that I could (try to) fix if I do another submission, but again like #17 there are underlying problems with the quality of my writing, and there's a lack of anything particularly good or *wow*. I figure I can stop doing the wrong-things, but I've no idea how to start doing (or even identifying) the right-things.

If anyone has any particular suggestions it would be appreciated.

Summary
Countless tales exist of three mortals who passed the Test of the Starstone – Iomedae, Cayden Cailean, and Norgorber – yet few even suspect the existence of a fourth. The insane demiurge known only as the Keeper of Secrets dwells in his temple-prison, sealed away beneath the Pathfinder's Grand Lodge in Absalom, muttering unfathomable prophecies and secrets to his servitor cabals of priest-scribes. The Decemvirate of the Pathfinder Society are paralysed by the fragmented insights he provides – do they dare act on them? How can they not? The last time they sought to manipulate destiny by heeding the words of this idiot-savant oracle a god died.

Spoiler:
If we were to create other gods who passed the Test of the Starstone, we wouldn't do it in a 4-hour pathfinder society scenario. I'm also not enamoured with the idea of a god trapped in a crypt beneath the Grand Lodge—it reads as fairly unbelievable. Also, having this trapped god responsible for the death of Aroden solves a huge mystery in the campaign setting we're probably not going to solve—it's a story hook and nothing something we'd solve in a 4-hour scenario.

Now the outer vault doors lie open, the tomb-robbing vampiric scholar Jaskar whose quest for lore on the secrets of the Test of the Starstone has led him here has now breached the outermost portion of the vault. Though he cannot reach the inner vault within which the temple-prison of the Keeper of Secrets lies he obtains the “Second Canticle of the Keeper of Secrets” a collection of prophecies recorded by the priests, now the PCs must stop him before he can escape with the prophecies and further his own plans for apotheosis.

Spoiler:
How did the vampire get into the vaults in the first place?

For your next submission focus on these things:
1. clear, concise plot outline with well-defined goals and events that don't seek to explain away setting mysteries
2. crisp, well-written first paragraph
3. Re-read your entire submission out loud. Chances are if it sounds bad as you read it out loud it'll sound bad when I read it.

Jaskar: Tier 5-6 -- human vampire rogue 3 / wizard 5
Tier 8-9 -- human vampire rogue 3 / wizard 5 / arcane trickster 3

Structure
This scenario is quite linear, with encounters #1, #3, and #5 required, encounter #2 avoidable but likely to occur in most cases. If running short for time then encounter #4 can be substantially truncated.

Encounter #1 skills, traps, combat EL 5/8
The outer sections of the vault are little more than layer upon layer of defences; Jaskar has breached some and bypassed others, the party must contend with the remainder -- a task made all the harder by the bored and mischievous mephits that inhabit this area.

Encounter #2 social, skills or combat EL 5/8
The cenobitic priest-scribes are hastily sealing the temple's interior against intrusion or attack. If the party can negotiate successfully with them then they may gain information on the vault, its secrets & defences, and what Jaskar is doing. However, the priests are paranoid and have had virtually no contact with anyone beyond their commune for a century so unless the party tread carefully the priests perceive them as another threat and attack.

Encounter #3 combat, skills EL 6/9
The party encounter the vampire-scholar Jaskar, a millennia-old expert in arcane lore whose studies have led him to this vault and the secrets it contains. On a balcony overlooking the inner fane of the temple of the Keeper of Secrets Jaskar seizes a large tome, the Second Canticle of the Keeper of Secrets, a liturgical text from which the priest-scribes recite legends of the future. Jaskar reactivates the vault's defences and flees while the party are attacked by his figurines of wondrous power and the vault's guardians.

Encounter #4 skills, traps, combat EL 5-8/8-11
The party must flee the vault, retracing the route they took in Encounter #2, escaping before its deadliest traps and guardians are fully activate, and before the entrance is sealed shut again. The slower the party are the more threats they may face from reactivated traps and reanimated guardians. If the game is running short of time then this encounter can easily be abridged.

Encounter #5 combat EL 10/13
The party catch up with Jaskar in the outer vault as he slaughters the Pathfinder Society guards by the entrance; now they must defeat the vampire and recover the stolen text before he can flee. This final battle takes place in the first room inside the vault as the three outer vault doors are sliding closed – even if they can defeat Jaskar, they run the risk of being trapped inside the vault.

Faction missions
Andoran -- determine what happened to an earlier pathfinder who entered the vault (encounter #1 and/or #2)

Cheliax -- ensure that Jaskar is destroyed or allowed to escape, not captured “alive” for questioning (encounter #5)

Osirion -- obtain information on the various traps used in the vault (encounter #1 and/or #2)

Qadira -- obtain evidence that Jaskar had received aid from Cheliax in entering the vault (encounter #3 and/or #5)

Taldor -- hide a small, magical amulet as deep inside the vault as possible (encounter #3)


I don't have much ego about my work, so here is my submission with feedback for other aspiring writers to look at. My response is below it.

Things in bolds were red, but my html skills are not that good. His bolds are italicized.

JF wrote:


Big mistake right off the bat—the guidelines asked for contact information to be included in this attachment right here. Since I save the attachments to a folder, not having immediate access to your email address, for example, means I have to take more time to find you to reply to you. Also, it shows an inability to follow instructions which puts you in a poor light. Be mindful of submission directions and follow them to the letter.

Introduction:
This adventure is a straight time-based assault on the vault.
The backstory is that in the Pathfinder's Society's past it was manipulated by several factions of Chelish devil worshipers into spending resources and lives searching out an evil artifact of world-changing power. When the Society discovered its role in the search, a Chelish sorcerer still loyal to the Society took an already ancient vault that had been looted and augmented its still potent clockwork defenses that moved rooms and overall architectural configuration as intruders penetrated it. Drawn to this vault by misinformation and leaked hints that this vault contained the artifact, the leadership of the various renegade factions each converged on the vault over a period of several days and sought to access it from one of its several entrances. Each was destroyed at some point during their assault, and when the last succumbed to the vault's defenses the vault was mostly destroyed, the sorcerer was killed somewhere in the vault, and the renegade's influence over the Society had been eliminated. The Society then destroyed all records of the renegades' manipulation and then sealed the vault since it would be almost certain death to try to recover any remaining records that the renegade leaders may have been carrying. The Society then built the Grand Lodge over the vault and hoped that no one would discover the embarrassing secret that the Society had once was a tool of devil-worshipers and had nearly delivered a world-changing artifact into their hands.

Your first paragraph has to accomplish two things: it needs to hook the editor (me) and it needs to convince me that you're not only an accomplished author but a good storyteller. Sorry to say, your opener does neither. You use the word "vault" at least 10 times which is very distracting and repetitive. "Manipulated" and "into" in the second sentence are split by several words that cover up the fact that saying "manipulated into" is a colloquial phrase and not good grammar. "Has been looted" is passive voice. A dungeon with moving rooms is way too complicated for a 4-hour scenario since the GM has to constantly redraw the map. "Have been carrying" "had nearly delivered" is passive voice and "had once was a tool" is a grammatical error.

For your next submission, try for a solid opening paragraph, remove passive voice, and sell me on your writing ability and storytelling chops.

What the Society does not know is that one of the renegade leaders escaped the vault. Later turned into a vampire, he spent several hundred years gathering the resources he felt would be needed to actually assault the vault. He still believes that the vault contains the artifact, and he is the one who breaches the vault and puts the Society on alert.

The Society simply believes than some opportunistic party has breached the vault, and they want that party eliminated before any evidence the renegades might have been carrying is removed from the vault and released to the public, thus ruining the Society's public face and reputation (or being used as blackmail material).

Play notes:
As the PCs penetrate the vault, they will be able to note on a certain wall of each area how close the other party is to penetrating the vault by which series of gems have lit up, thus creating a sense of tension and desire to beat the other party to the center of the vault. As they progress, old encounter areas will become inaccessible as the old rooms move. PCs will be told that the clockwork of the vault creates a clear path back from any particular room every sixteen hours, so if the PCs choose to abandon the mission they can simply wait in the current room and wait for the passage to appear. Below are the "encounter rooms" and not "atmosphere" rooms.  The adventure ends with the PCs exiting the vault, successful or not. Prestige awards are for various items recovered in the vault or monsters defeated in certain ways.

Encounter 1:
This is a series of encounters that are simply obstacles of maneuvering past obvious traps like open pits or glowing runes.

Encounter 2:
Golem on a trapped floor fight: This series of rooms are mostly demolished, but some of the magic traps still function. A Clay golem bull rushes PCs into these magic traps or fights to take advantage of these traps.

Encounter 3:
A ghost in a room of smoke and disorienting illusions. If spoken to, he relates the renegade's story. He refuses to fight, but with successful social checks he tells the PCs that if they remove his remains from the vault he will be put to rest. Getting past the illusions requires several successful saves or clever tactics.

Encounter 4:
A cat-fiend stalks the party in halls of mirrors and blade traps and he taunts them as he spring attacks and then retreats into the mirror maze. Breaking the right mirror leads to the next encounter, but killing the cat fiend also works.

Encounter 5:
This is the heart of the vault. As the PCs or the vampire breach it, doors open to passageways from the PC's or the vampire's current location, and final fight with the vampire and his remaining minions is on. After the fight, several bodies in the room can be searched for incriminating journals.

Well, Joshua obviously didn't get past the first paragraph, or else he would have noticed that the flavor of the adventure is of moving rooms and that is what the PCs are told, but in actuality they aren't moving in any meaningful way from an adventure design standpoint. You get the same five "rooms" and they close behind you and you can't get back to them, so this means a DM won't have to redraw rooms. Essentially, the general idea and the assumption that he'd read my whole submission for the details tanked it.

He is correct on the passive voice, but he is incorrect in thinking that passive voice has no place in writing. It removes the actor from the idea being expressed and that is a bad thing when telling the reader "who did what" is important, but not a bad thing when the actor is unimportant or would further muddle the message. As a professional editor myself, I can tell you that the complete absence of the passive voice is as bad as its overuse. It is a common pet peeve of college professors and in my experience they've scarred more than one good writer into going to the other extreme. A good website explaining when to use passive voice is here: http://www.wilbers.com/PassiveVoice.htm

Final evaluation:
He didn't like my idea and that is probably the reason he didn't really tear into the details, which is fair enough since it reeks of Cube to people who have watched that movie. I really liked the idea of a renovated dungeon being used for a different purpose and the "chase to the middle" idea since it evoked the best part of Star Wars Episode 1 where the Jedi are locked in force fields waiting for their fights, but I can see how others wouldn't. Demons, undead, and golems are stock members of the "things you can kill and not feel bad about", so I understand if they didn't "pop".

I rushed both the idea and the writing of it because I saw the call for submissions the day before it was due, but that's how the cookie crumbles. I have no one to blame but myself for not including my contact info and doing a really complete proofing for things like the overuse of the word "vault". Late-night writing is bad.

I do appreciate that he tried to give constructive feedback. I prefer the honesty since that is most useful to writers, and it is why I decided to reprint it here; knowing your audience is more important than anything else

Scarab Sages

Well Tarren, seems I have the same problems as you. We really do think alike. :)

For posterity, here is my entry with the relevant parts bolded and Mr. Frost's comments in blue and mine in italics:

Introduction:

Spoiler:

One hundred year ago, the face of the Pathfinder Society was two venture-captains: Hajdu Zaltrenza, a Varisian wanderer, and Torber Finnson, an Ulfen berserker and holy man. Hajdu made his reputation as a cunning strategist and problem-solver, gaining the respect and admiration of his fellow Andoran faction. Torber ran a much tighter ship; relying on intimidation and martial prowess to handle his men like a slaver crew, he displayed a cruel intellect suited to Cheliax.

Your first paragraph is your only opportunity to hook an editor. I'm not hooked. You fail to pluralize "year" correctly and you make some assumptions about the Pathfinder Society that aren't correct. IE, the factions inside the society didn't exist 100 years ago—they're a recent attempt by the nations of the Inner Sea to quietly take over Absalom.

That dang plural caught my eye the instant after I submitted. As for the timeline, my bad. I started with an idea and then worked it into Golarion.

In the twilight of their careers they were dispatched together to investigate ruins near Lastwall. They returned successful, bringing back research and artifacts, not all of which they disclosed. But they also returned changed. Hajdu became distant and aloof. Torber became paranoid and convinced his companion had become the victim of vampirism. The two captains battled in the Lodge, Torber slew Hajdu before succumbing to his wounds. They were laid to rest beneath the Lodge and the tragedy was kept secret. This was not to be the end, as Hajdu returned in his vampiric form. Torber, his spirit driven mad by his failure, rose as a wight. For a century the two undead quarrelled under the Lodge, neither able to claim victory.

Recently an intruder breached the ruins and the two undead began taking out their revenge, hoping to gain the upper hand and the use of a dark secret tied to the decemvirate. The party is dispatched to investigate the ruins, and to keep the secrets below from gaining the surface.

Are we walking about the ruins near Lastwall or the vaults beneath the Grand Lodge? This is very unclear. Also, note the use of passive voice I marked—avoid that.

Should have found another synonym for "tombs".

Encounter 1: Two Factions

Spoiler:

EL 5 or EL 8
Creatures: Torber's minions (6 human zombies), Hajdu's spawn (1 vampire spawn); for EL 8 add 2 wights to Torber's faction and 1 vampire spawn to Hajdu's faction
Terrain: The terrain is rough due to rubble and scattered skeletal remains. There is minimal light from the tomb entrance.
Notes: The two factions focus on each-other in the first round, possibly making this battle easier for the players. If the players side with a faction their aid is not returned.

Encounter 2: The Tunnel-Dweller

Spoiler:

EL 4 or EL 8
Creatures: Otyugh; for EL 8 replace with a destrachan
Terrain: This encounter occurs in a small hub that connects to the two annexes in the tombs.
Notes: The undead find the otyugh useful for disposing of waste, and leave it alone. If using the destrachan, the undead are afraid of the monster that wandered into the tunnels recently and avoid it, though they also find it useful and intend to trick it into making new tunnels.

Encounter 3: The Intruder

Spoiler:

EL 7
Creatures: CE male human wiz7, quasit familiar
Terrain: This encounter occurs in an antechamber containing clues about the fate of Terbor and Hajdu.
Notes: The wizard is a demonic practitioner, recently allied with Hajdu.

The first three encounters are totally random and not connected to the plot. Why do the players care about these encounters? They want to be hooked, engrossed in a plot line where each action affects the outcome. Focus more on a strong, well-connected plot then on throwing random encounters at the PCs.

These comments have a lot to do with his comment after the conclusion...

Encounter 4: Terbor the Wight

Spoiler:

EL 6 or EL 9
Creatures: 1 wight, 2 ghasts; for EL 9 replace wight with 1 advanced wight brb1/clr3
Terrain: This encounter occurs in a tunnel.
Notes: The wight or advanced wight is Terbor himself. In either case, the wight wears a holy symbol denoting his former status. This symbol allows him to (and possibly the PCs) to keep Hajdu at bay.

Encounter 5: Hajdu the Vampire

Spoiler:

EL 9 or EL 11
Creatures: 1 vampire rog7; for EL 11 add 2 vampire spawn (from #1) and 1 shield guardian
Terrain: This occurs in Hajdu's burial chamber/throne room.
Notes: The shield guardian originally belonged to the wizard but was gifted to Hajdu.

I do like the way you break down each encounter by Tier, but I need to know a lot more plot wise.

There's a helpful tip for next round - incorporate Tiers. :)

Conclusion:

Spoiler:

Once the players have slain both evil undead they discover that Hajdu and Terbor were not revealing everything they knew during their last mission. The PCs may recover a valuable artifact from Terbor as well as a detailed analysis of ancient rituals involving the object from Hajdu.

You're not revealing everything you know to me. I'm the developer and you're writing this for a GM—hold nothing back.

As I said, I had an idea of the plot in my head. Simply put, I ran out of words. The first three encounters did work in to the main plot, except the Otyugh which in retrospect I would like to replace with a trap.

Factions:

Spoiler:

Andoran: The players uncover the truth about a famous Andoran captain. He is given a proper burial in the hopes of putting his soul at rest, and a search begins to find the source of his affliction.

Cheliax: Finishing off the vampire Hajdu completes the task set before Terbor centuries before, and vindicates the cleric. Covering up the resultant change into a wight also prevents public distrust.

Osirion: The artifacts and information recovered are catalogued and increase the factions reputation.

Qadira: The increase Lodge space is given over to Qadira when evidence is presented of their original ownership of the tombs.

Taldor: Rubbings or other evidence from the obelisk in the tombs provide evidence of Taldan territorial claims.

For your next submission focus on these things:
1.clear, concise plot outline with well-defined goals and events
2.crisp, well-written first paragraph
3.Re-read your entire submission out loud. Chances are if it sounds bad as you read it out loud it'll sound bad when I read it.

All good points. As a final comment, I would like to say this whole event was incredibly valuable if only to get me to write down an adventure for once.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8

Jal Dorak wrote:

Well Tarren, seems I have the same problems as you. We really do think alike. :)

I like it. Really.


After a protracted discussion in the Chatroom, here is my submission, minus Josh's comments, the majority of which I have already posted elsewhere.

Spoiler:
Submission:
An evening gala at the Grand Lodge is disturbed when an undead thief breaks into the office of the head of security and wrecks a bronze seal set into the floor, before being pulverised by triggered wards that nobody knew existed. Minutes later, the ghosts of several Pathfinders thought lost on an ‘ill-starred’ trip to the Mwangi Expanse are seen walking the halls. The gala breaks up in chaos.
In the morning the PCs are summoned. The remains of the thief have been identified and the PCs are requested to go (with a warrant) to interrogate his partner, an aristocratic vampiress of Ulfen extraction. Entering her mansion, they deal with her boggard guards (encounter #1, scale guard numbers to PC levels) and question her.
The vampiress can reveal that whoever hired her lover to break into the Grand Lodge had purchased an unusual metal rod from him which had recently been retrieved from a centuries old shipwreck.
Reporting back the PCs are told that the vandalised seal appears to have had counter-teleportation properties, and to be a century old, but that the Pathfinders currently have no idea what purpose it served or why anyone might want it destroyed. The PCs are requested to go and make inquiries at the dwarven foundry that records show originally cast the seal.
The foundry still has working drawings of the seal, and one employee recalls that someone asked about it thirty years ago- and also about ‘teleportation circles’ cast for the Pathfinders for a bunker beneath the Grand Lodge, four decades before the seal was ordered. An abortive attempt was recently made to steal relating papers from the company. With persuasion, (encounter #2) the PCs can gain access to the drawings and make sketches of bunker plans. (Which include the teleportation circle locations.)
Back at the lodge, the situation is grave- senior Pathfinders have been opening sealed papers and fear the worst. The bunker is believed to have been intended as a command post in case the city was ever invaded, but all the physical entrances were closed up for an unrecorded reason 100 years ago, and all the rods that allowed teleportation access were thought lost or destroyed, save for one in the stores. The seal in the office blocked the function of even these rods until it was destroyed last night. It is necessary to send someone in with the rod from the lodge’s stores to find out what is going on; opening up physical entrances may take too long.
Teleporting in, the PCs are confronted with a badly damaged stone golem, which they must pass, by combat, trickery, or deducing the ‘stand-down’ command. (Encounter #3, scale remaining hp to PC levels.) If combat results, an alarm triggers.
Exploring, the PCs discover signs of an old battle and that other people have been here recently; furthermore an old conference room contains a recently smashed memorial bearing the names of the Pathfinders supposedly ‘lost’ on the expedition to the Mwangi Expanse, but who apparently died in a struggle here. An otherworldly aura is beginning to hamper the PCs, and in an old trade archive they must deal with electrical glyphs and a ‘living seaweed’ (shambling mound), careless area effects destroying old papers. (Encounter #4, scale seaweed HD to PC levels.)
Finally, the PCs discover a shrine-room with cultists in it, the ‘otherworldly aura’ permeating the bunker at its strongest here. If the PCs have dawdled in getting here, the cultists have gained strength (DR and energy resistances) from the shrine. (Encounter #5, cultists all NPC ‘classed’, scale numbers to PC levels.)
Although, with the cultists’ defeat, the PCs have cleared the bunker, the shrine (to a disturbing unknown entity) proves impossible to mar.
Reporting back, the PCs are thanked for their deeds, and rewarded. They are informed by a senior Pathfinder that discretion is a valued asset in members who may some day hold important positions in the society. A stand-in ‘seal’ is awaiting activation as soon as they report back.

Faction missions:
Andoran:
The vampiress is already known to Andoren PCs as a ‘middleman’ in a delicate deal. Ensure that she is not unduly aggravated.

Cheliax:
Data regarding metals suited for casting magical items from- especially abjurational items- is highly desirable.

Osirion:
The faction chief has information that cultists are highly corruptive. NO CULTIST PRISONERS.

Qadira:
Ensure the preservation of any old trading agreements that come to light.

Taldor:
Any clues to commanding Pathfinder guardian golems are useful to current plans.


Having dealt with which, to those who are about to die, I salute you, and as they say (or sing rather) I shall take my exit... 'So Long, Farewell, Auf wiedersehen, Goodbye.'

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013

Having hit so close to the mark with the first adventure, I will just paraphrase # 18, because I didn't perform so well, and had a lot of trouble transitioning one encounter to the next.

Upshot: the PFS had an influential member turn to vampirism, causing the Decemvirate of a hundred years ago to question their preference for a wide variety of ethical and moral beliefs. Unwilling to destroy their companion, they instead locked him in a vault with those loyal to him and allowed the sewers of Absolom to grow around it.

The party fights advanced otyughs, who have damaged the stonework below the Lodge, and explores the surrounding area to make sure anything hidden stays that way. Turns out the foloowers are now vampire spawn, and dedicated to abducting a PC or sample of her blood to feed their master. Eventually, the party fights the risen vampire and defeats him, lest hundreds perish. ALternatively, the PCs fight to survive, but the vampire (whose name I will save for use at a later time) gets loose and begins a subtle campaign of terror against the PFS venture captains that were prominnt when he was entombed. Perhaps his vengeance may strike a current member of the Decemvirate.

I thought this adventure had some good ideas - unleashing a villain who might re-occur in a future PFS adventure, and who could threaten the identities of the Decemvirate without actually naming anyone. Also, because the dungeon crawl portion had traps and clues, I thought I should start the adventure with an unrelated combat. The idea was to start with an action scene much like a movie, and let the PCs wail on some criminals before getting into the game, which might then slow down a little and try to build a very creepy 'vampire crypt' feeling.

But I explained that poorly, and to be honest I was just never as decisive or sold on #18 as I was #17. I blame my kids. It's hard to write when no one will play with the 2 year old but you, or when your 13 year old thinks it's funny to randomly type the word 'shrek' into your text somewhere and hope you don't catch it before submitting.

If anyone wants a daughter, you know, free to good home and all that.

Dark Archive

Well my wife and I jointly entered this one and we didn't do so well. Passive voice and a very cliche and lack luster opening killed us.

We used the child of so and so story line and it seems that this poor plot hook was a running theme.

We also used the Darklight Sisterhood as they make a great little know antagonist.

In the end it was a good learning experience and we hope that the next open call we call get past our errors and really wow the Paizo Staff.

The only real reason for us not submitting an adventure for #17 was my wife has a no spider clause in her adventure ideas... darn her and her Arachnophobia.

*Edit ancientsensei, you know the misses and I share your pain, though without so many rugrats.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013

I'll remember the spider weakness should she and I ever become enemies.

Mwahahahahaha

Dark Archive

ancientsensei wrote:

I'll remember the spider weakness should she and I ever become enemies.

Mwahahahahaha

See this is why I mentioned it, so you and Master Logue have ammo to use on her. Though I will warn you that actual spiders or spider like things will get your arse thoroughly kicked.

Now I just need to avoid her reading this post...goes and hides

Sczarni

deathboy wrote:
ancientsensei wrote:

I'll remember the spider weakness should she and I ever become enemies.

Mwahahahahaha

See this is why I mentioned it, so you and Master Logue have ammo to use on her. Though I will warn you that actual spiders or spider like things will get your arse thoroughly kicked.

Now I just need to avoid her reading this post...goes and hides

so who's running scenario 17 for the CT group....?

Dark Archive

Cpt_kirstov wrote:
deathboy wrote:
ancientsensei wrote:

I'll remember the spider weakness should she and I ever become enemies.

Mwahahahahaha

See this is why I mentioned it, so you and Master Logue have ammo to use on her. Though I will warn you that actual spiders or spider like things will get your arse thoroughly kicked.

Now I just need to avoid her reading this post...goes and hides

so who's running scenario 17 for the CT group....?

I can safely guess it will not be Aileen. Though she will play it as she gets to stomp spiders. Wierd isn't it?

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013

Tabby is exactly the same. Taller, I guess. But extremely wimpy. So much so that remembering a spider is justification for driving a van full of kids off the road, or parking on the highway until she's sure it's gone.

Dark Archive

ancientsensei wrote:
Tabby is exactly the same. Taller, I guess. But extremely wimpy. So much so that remembering a spider is justification for driving a van full of kids off the road, or parking on the highway until she's sure it's gone.

Did that one as well... then again Aileen is very allergic to spider bites... so she has valid reasons to fear the spider.

Why do I sense Iron DM will have a spider theme this year at GenCon...

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013

Nah. I can't torture your wife or mine with it, so what's the point?


Heathansson wrote:
Dementrius wrote:
Heathansson wrote:

I like the pixie vampire spawn.

They should get a t.v. show at least.
Better for kids than the Teletubbies I suppose...

I'm seeing CG cartoon, with action figures at Hot Topic in the mall.

(edit)seriously; I like them. That's kinda effed up, lil pixie vampires.

I see it as a mixture of the Fairly Odd Parents and Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Cosmo the Vampire: I have good news and bad news.
Buffy: What's the good news?
Cosmo the Vampire: The good news is, I named my nickel Vlad.
Buffy: Uh, what's the bad news?
Cosmo the Vampire: It's a girl nickel.

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