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This thread is for you to spool out your craziest, most crack-fueled ships between the various gods of Golarion. Go nuts. Here's mine.
So I've mentioned before, elsewhere, that my current favorite of the "Good" Gods of Golarion is Vildeis... and that's mostly because I keep wanting to ship her with Arazni or Zon-Kuthon. I mean, that's some pretty cracky stuff to begin with, sure... but then my crazed creativity bits slipped an "and" in there, and the idea of turning them into another triad pantheon was just so warped that I felt like I had to do something with it.
Spoilered because... well, seriously. This is a story about Zon-Kuthon, Arazni, and Vildeis getting into a serious relationship with one another. It's not pornographic or anything, but if considering the dominant themes of those three deities (and ZK/Vildeis in particular) makes you pause for a moment and think "I might not want to read that", then you're probably right.
Now... it's pretty obvious why ZK would be into Vildeis. She's way in on the whole scars and pain thing, and she is constantly dealing out some truly brutal (and terminal) suffering (on the wicked). She's also got this whole forbidden fruit thing going on because he's quite aware of the fact that he's well within her strike zone for smiting with extreme prejudice. It's just... she's so shiny. Arazni finds Vildeis at least somewhat entrancing for similar reasons (though they don't hit quite as hard for her) and she also appreciates how the list of people she hates and the list of people that Vildeis hates have so much pretty overlap... and Vildeis is just so passionate and intense about it.
Still... Vildeis by my read isn't all that romantically inclined anyway. She's not full Ace or anything, but... romance is just one of many. many things that's never managed to make it onto her (relatively short) priority list. So why would she bother to give Arazni the time of day, let along Zon-Kuthon?
The answer? Murder presents. Arazni, unsurprisingly, is the first. Now, Vildeis isn't an easy woman to catch up with, but Arazni's a full goddess by this point, and Vildeis does have certain pretty straightforward patterns. Randomly showing up at fights that she's at and lending a hand seems like an obvious way to curry favor while also getting to watch her in action, and working alongside her is fun in its own way... and it's not like Videis is opposed to the idea of others helping out in fighting the good fight. It doesn't take all that much effort from Arazni to get her to the point where Vildeis is willing to schedule the occasional "date night" of both of them showing up at the same place at the same time to destroy some horrible bastion of evil or whatever... and that's when Arazni puts in the second part of her plan. After all, if she knows where to be and when to be there, and doesn't have to spend time tracking that marvelous woman, she can instead spend time accumulating gifts (of powerful dead evil things) with which to demonstrate her affections.
...and, of course, Vildeis cares about ensuring that evil things are destroyed. The first time isn't enough, and the second time isn't either, but by the fifth or sixth, Arazni manages to convince her that with Arazni picking up some of the slack explicitly on her behalf, she can afford to slow down (briefly) and... maybe enjoy a bit of quality time together. You know... after the quality time they enjoy together killing things.
Vildeis is charmingly unlearned in some things. She has never been a mortal. She has never known a lover. Her followers tend to be intense enough about The Crusade that they don't really get much into that kind of thing either. Arazni, who by this point has spent centuries as the lich-queen of Geb, ruling over a dissolute nobility composed heavily of vampires, can play her like an instrument... and does, quite happily. By the end, Vildeis finds herself admitting that... okay... maybe this wasn't a bad idea. They could do this again some time, maybe. That could be okay. Arazni, who knows which side her bread is buttered on, makes sure to keep the murder presents coming.
Meanwile, Zon-Kuthon has had a bit of himself that's been quietly pining after the obviously utterly untouchable Vildeis for centuries by this point. He's rather admired Arazni as well, at least in passing. Anyway, he hears that they've basically hooked up together, and it drives him half-mad. He lashes out, and his people suffer. For any other country, the results would be considered horrific. For Nidal... this is just the high holy days come a little early this year, plus a happy little sign of their god's favor and attention to go along with. Regardless, he does get himself back under control after a short outburst, but afterwards that little bit of burning desire that had been safely locked away is neither locked away nor safe. Still, he's not stupid. It's obvious that trying to approach Videis directly would end poorly for him. It is equally obvious that Arazni must have put real effort into this (however it was that she managed to pull it off) and that somehow interfering with their new relationship would instantly put him on Arazni's List. He's aware that he doesn't want that. So if there's to be any hope (however mad) of him having any sort of relationship with Vildeis, then it's going to have to involve Arazni's approval, and Arazni's pretty hot in her own way anyway, so....
When he approaches Arazni on the matter... Well, Arazni does have her List, after all. Zon-Kuthon comes bearing murder presents of his own. Admittedly, the process of acquiring some of them does some real damage to diplomatic relations between Geb and Nidal, but they're far enough away that it doesn't matter all that much, and it's not like the associated improvement in relations with Nex is a bad thing.
The entire process of divine diplomacy in the matter is... delicate. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes lots and lots of murder presents. In the end, though... well, Vildeis requires a great many more "special gifts" from ZK for any given span of her time and attention than she would from Arazni, but she has to admit that gently carving designs in his flesh and paring away strips of his skin with Cicatriz is... satisfying, in its way. It's soothing, almost. Arazni discovers that she rather enjoys watching the process, when the opportunity presents. Zon-Kuthun is happier than he's been in a very long time.
Shelyn is also pretty pleased. Setting that thing up took work.
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While not the couple themselves, I've often daydreamed of Kazutal fretting over how unkind the Inner Sea has been to Arazni.
'That Azlanti boy' was no good, and everything since he got himself killed has only wounded this daughter of Xopatl further - why not find some Arcadian deity to treat her right? The Jaguar Mother is not someone you refuse lightly, but both the comedy of how disastrously this could go and the genuine pathos of a traumatized woman trying to return to her distant homeland have potential for a genuinely interesting myth of divine courtship.
EDIT: There's something very fun in imagining her refusing each suitor based on her experiences 'abroad.' Some Arcadian gunslinger-god approaches her, but she throws the ingenuity of Alkenstar in their face; a more responsible necromancer divinity can say little to counterbalance the evils of Geb and Tar-Baphon. I'm not sure bow the story ends... does Arazni proudly stand alone, realize Kazutal herself is the loveliest of them all, or maybe even sulk back to Iomedae (the only person who can begin to understand her perspective, naive and foolish as she is)?
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One of the reasons no one has ever seen Ng's face is that Ng is almost impossibly attractive and is also Ace.
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Geb and Nex.......... I don't know how to articulate it well into text. Especially not without being caught and dragged into prison if I ever step foot in either countries for heresy.
Yall ever seen those pirate nemesis comics? When I read the snippet for Geb and how he got so depressed that he offed himself because Nex backed out of their war all I could think of was that their relationship was like this and it's been festering in my head ever since.
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"Murder presents" is DELIGHTFUL; I guess they're all a bunch of cute little kitty-cats at heart! (In the sense of "absolutely lethal predators with an extremely high kills-to-body-mass ratio".)
So, another crackship... Nethys and Gozreh. They're both dual-aspected deities, which isn't MUCH of a similarity, but ANY similarity (no matter how minor) can become welcome when you're surrounded by people who Aren't That. (Well there's Norgorber but he doesn't count, and also neither of them like hanging out with him.) They might not have MUCH to talk about, not at first, but simply being in the company of someone who UNDERSTANDS that when they say X and later say Y, it's not a contradiction and it's not that they've changed their mind, it relieves a strain they'd gotten so used to, they hadn't realized they were experiencing it.
One that just came to me: Irori and Arshea. It starts as a misunderstanding, because at a casual glance "strive towards perfecting yourself" and "accept that you're beautiful just as you are" can be interpreted as opposites, and one of them goes to tell the other "hey you're wrong". Things eventually get cleared up, and they realize how compatible they are, both philosophically and otherwise.
Cayden Cailean has hit on every female god, and several of the others, at least once. The end results are reminiscent of a Johnny Bravo cartoon.
Cayden Cailean has hit on every female god, and several of the others, at least once. The end results are reminiscent of a Johnny Bravo cartoon.
Isn't this one pretty close to canon? (Although Kurgess is his son).
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I will counter the "Like Johnny Bravo" part of the Cayden Cailean concept with: no, he's actually successful. He has consensually slept with every divinity of a compatable orientation (Ace are ace and lesbians are lesbians and straights are straights). It is always been during times where the other is not in a relationship and maybe even looking for a rebound.
My head cannon is NOT that Cayden Cailean is some "Alpha Chad" but that's he's a himbo man-slut. Some, like Arazni and Sarenrae are somewhat embarassed by it, some like Gozreh and Shelyn readily admit it.
Cayden Cailean is an any willing thing that walks kind of guy.
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Now, I'm just imagining Cayden Cailean and Lamashtu trying to awkwardly co-parent some sort of divine monster (They each get the little terror on alternating centuries).
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I will counter the "Like Johnny Bravo" part of the Cayden Cailean concept with: no, he's actually successful. He has consensually slept with every divinity of a compatable orientation (Ace are ace and lesbians are lesbians and straights are straights). It is always been during times where the other is not in a relationship and maybe even looking for a rebound.
My head cannon is NOT that Cayden Cailean is some "Alpha Chad" but that's he's a himbo man-slut. Some, like Arazni and Sarenrae are somewhat embarassed by it, some like Gozreh and Shelyn readily admit it.
Cayden Cailean is an any willing thing that walks kind of guy.
"Cayden! You'd sleep with anything that moves!"
Cayden pauses for a moment, and thinks.
"No. It has to be moving towards me."
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I would ship Cayden and Zyphus in a story called Death Trap.
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Now, I'm just imagining Cayden Cailean and Lamashtu trying to awkwardly co-parent some sort of divine monster (They each get the little terror on alternating centuries).
Oh... Goblins, Orcs, Gnolls, and any other "monstrous" race that might normally worship Lamashtu, who go adventuring, Often claim to be the descendants of such a union. And Any of his "monstrous" followers that he appears to, he appears as one of theirs.
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Now, I'm just imagining Cayden Cailean and Lamashtu trying to awkwardly co-parent some sort of divine monster (They each get the little terror on alternating centuries).Oh... Goblins, Orcs, Gnolls, and any other "monstrous" race that might normally worship Lamashtu, who go adventuring, Often claim to be the descendants of such a union. And Any of his "monstrous" followers that he appears to, he appears as one of theirs.
With nontrivial frequency, this results in more descendants.
It's not that there's anything unseemly going on. Cayden isn't pressuring anyone or anything. It's just that he's incredibly hot, regardless of which form he appears in, and it's also really not that hard to get him to "yes", especially if you're willing to buy him a few beers.
Admittedly, the whole thing with Lamashtu has gotten pretty awkward... but that just means that when she decides that she wants a Cayden-style booty call, she just pretends to be mortal for the duration.
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I ship Moloch and Szuriel, because the former has been sending messengers to her and seems to be in some form of communication, and in my head I have the image of Moloch writing incredibly formal messages while trying to be flirtatious, meanwhile Dispater, the only Archdevil in a happy marriage, helps him out with his awkward attempts at courtship.
Okay, here we go...
Abadar and Cayden Cailean would not seem to be anywhere near each other on the relationship map -- Abadar is often 'The Man' keeping others 'down' and Cayden is the 'Drunken Hero' fighting for freedom.
However, they both have the idea of watching out for civilization. They may even see each other's paths as 'their choices'.
And while Abadar may be ace or demi, Cayden can see that dedication and even the softening of previously problematic issues (like the outright condoning of slavery, selling divine favor for a profit, etc).
Sure, it'd be rough at first, because neither one of them wants to give any ground to the other (for understandable reasons).
However, Abadar can see that civilized people are happier when they aren't grinding their souls away and Cayden can see that there might be a need for some rules to make sure good things keep happening.
Not enough to dramatically change them deifically, but enough to make them both grow and respect each other -- and handle the things that the other can't due to their nature.
Tolc and Pulura doesn't even feel like a crackfic pairing, but I like it.
I like the image of Tolc walking along across a snowfield and looking up at Pulura's aurora..
Ok, exclusively including crackfic ships about gods here like the title says. The list would be a lot longer if I didn't bound myself (even this are just three off the top of my head)
I like to think of Zyphus as some (to use the current lingo) simp & loser who hangs around Urgathoa and does whatever she says because he has a massive crush on her. Urgathoa meanwhile just keeps him around because he does whatever she says and is like her own personal jester, except when he comedically trips over it involves a lot more bloodshed than usual.
I'm fairly conflicted on whether I prefer the idea of Eiseth x Ragathiel as a thing or if I like the idea of them having a... very very shaky siblings style relationship (Personally I lean the latter. Oh, and related: I like to think Dispater occasionally sends sends Ragathiel letters asking to catch up some time, as well as in said letters - and when around Ragathiel in person in the very rare occasions that happens - he insists on calling Asmodeus "Uncle Asmo".)
This third one is so inexplicit and specific in context that I probably wouldn't have even considered it if it wasn't for the fact there is a very very slight chance that some day I actually write the fic that this ship would briefly appear in: Pharasma x Urgathoa.
To explain where this comes from, this all started with Luis Loza's joke on how them guessing how each of the core deities will die, with Pharasma's being "goes on vacation", this lead me to go "ok, but that'd be actually really fun to see" and by extension start formulating the idea of a "Pharasma's Hot Girl Summer" jokey fic, where she learns to relax some after millennia and millenia of constant work (These days the canonical reason I'd give for this vacation was that she was told to go on a vacation by the psychopomps, were really concerned about her from all her overworking, she's been coming to pieces ever since prophecy failed; needs to relieve some of that stress). At one point I went "So, what'd be the most stupid option for a deity to have a brief summer fling with?" to which obviously Urgathoa came to mind. I dismissed this at first and then went "Wait. This whole thing would be about Pharasma learning to let go some. Urgathoa is the goddess of hedonism"... and thus "Urgathoa was visiting the location where Pharasma was having her vacation for a bit, says there's no reason to fight while they're both on vacation, helps teach Pharasma to let go, and then maybe a drunken kiss which Pharasma refuses to acknowledge ever happened"
(Yes this third one is way longer in explanation than the other two, but that's just because it makes utterly 0 sense as a ship without all of said context)
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Oh I can't believe I didn't list the Monochrome Line, the Prismatic Ray's evil Achillean polycule counterpart (And clearly the existence of which is the mentioned shake-up to the Prismatic Ray is). Its creation goes as follows:
1. Shelyn makes fun of Zon-Kuthon for being single
2. Zonny decides to get back at Shelyn by walking up to Asmodeus and goes "You wanna really annoy some good deities?" with them then starting to date.
3. At some point Norgorber joins in. Nobody's quite sure when or how though. It just kinda happened.
4. Cue War of Immortals.
Here's one that may or may not have happened in one of the games I've been in.
Okay. It did. And it's the crackest of cracks:
Black Butterfly and a middle-aged male human ranger named Eben. The hows and whys of the "courtship" would take a very long time to sort out, but suffice it to say, Eben wasn't a religious guy (his patron deity was nominally Erastil, but only nominally)- and he was less interested in the fact that she's an Empyreal Lord than in the fact that they could just share silences together.
(He was an NPC who rescued the party when they got in over their heads- living alone on this damn mountaintop and occasionally ripping off Fall New Vegas's "Father in the Caves" by anonymously helping out a community founded by refugees from Ileosa's tryanny- the whole divine love affair came about as a bit of backstory to explain why he was staying way up a damn mountain away from people who had every reason to take him in)
Okay, here we go...
Abadar and Cayden Cailean would not seem to be anywhere near each other on the relationship map -- Abadar is often 'The Man' keeping others 'down' and Cayden is the 'Drunken Hero' fighting for freedom.
However, they both have the idea of watching out for civilization. They may even see each other's paths as 'their choices'.
And while Abadar may be ace or demi, Cayden can see that dedication and even the softening of previously problematic issues (like the outright condoning of slavery, selling divine favor for a profit, etc).
Sure, it'd be rough at first, because neither one of them wants to give any ground to the other (for understandable reasons).
However, Abadar can see that civilized people are happier when they aren't grinding their souls away and Cayden can see that there might be a need for some rules to make sure good things keep happening.
Not enough to dramatically change them deifically, but enough to make them both grow and respect each other -- and handle the things that the other can't due to their nature.
...and it all starts with a drunken hookup at a party in celebration of the success of the People's Revolt and the founding of democracy in Andoran.
"I'm drunk. Why am I drunk? How am I drunk?"
"Hey, booze is part of civilization too, man. It's not all just banks and roads and stuff."
"Well that makes sense, I guess."
"Yeah... and you got a whole lotta people pouring one out in your name right now. Andoran wooo! Throw off those shackles! Pretty cool, isn't it?"
"Well... it's not not pretty cool."
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Lamashtu x Imbrex. The ship consists entirely of Lamshtu trying to figure it out logistically.
Irori x Nethys. The two "self-made" deities. They can be judgy about the Starstone upstarts together.
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Lamashtu x Imbrex. The ship consists entirely of Lamshtu trying to figure it out logistically.
Irori x Nethys. The two "self-made" deities. They can be judgy about the Starstone upstarts together.
Now I'm imagining Irori and Nethys as the Statler & Waldorf of the Pathfinder gods.
Now I'm imagining Irori and Nethys as the Statler & Waldorf of the Pathfinder gods.Lamashtu x Imbrex. The ship consists entirely of Lamshtu trying to figure it out logistically.
Irori x Nethys. The two "self-made" deities. They can be judgy about the Starstone upstarts together.
Every form of media needs a Statler and Waldorf.
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Okay, here we go...
Abadar and Cayden Cailean would not seem to be anywhere near each other on the relationship map -- Abadar is often 'The Man' keeping others 'down' and Cayden is the 'Drunken Hero' fighting for freedom.
However, they both have the idea of watching out for civilization. They may even see each other's paths as 'their choices'.
And while Abadar may be ace or demi, Cayden can see that dedication and even the softening of previously problematic issues (like the outright condoning of slavery, selling divine favor for a profit, etc).
Sure, it'd be rough at first, because neither one of them wants to give any ground to the other (for understandable reasons).
However, Abadar can see that civilized people are happier when they aren't grinding their souls away and Cayden can see that there might be a need for some rules to make sure good things keep happening.
Not enough to dramatically change them deifically, but enough to make them both grow and respect each other -- and handle the things that the other can't due to their nature.
...and it all starts with a drunken hookup at a party in celebration of the success of the People's Revolt and the founding of democracy in Andoran.
"I'm drunk. Why am I drunk? How am I drunk?"
"Hey, booze is part of civilization too, man. It's not all just banks and roads and stuff."
"Well that makes sense, I guess."
"Yeah... and you got a whole lotta people pouring one out in your name right now. Andoran wooo! Throw off those shackles! Pretty cool, isn't it?"
"Well... it's not not pretty cool."
I don't know whether it's an ACCEPTED theory (not my field of study), but I'm pretty sure there's been A theory, that "we want to be able to make alcohol better" is what led to permanent human settlements in the first place. Or maybe it led to AGRICULTURE which led to cities; but even if I'm completely misremembering it, it's the kind of thing CC might say to Abadar.
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Hear me out: Fumeiyoshi/General Susumu as a bitter toxic yaoi villain couple who are really bad for each other but bond over their shared disgust of their siblings' healthy relationship.