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I have a player that wants to try out a new oracle mystery. I've looked it over, but I'll admit that I'm no expert on things spellcaster based so I come to the community for a critique of this homebrew mystery and suggestions to improve it. The player and I will be checking in when we can (he can also answer any questions you may put forth as well).
And with out further fanfare:
Class Skills: An oracle of Death gains Intimidate, Ride and Perception to her list of class skills.
Bonus Spells: Ray of Enfeeblement (2nd), Haunting Mists (4th), Fractions of Heal and Harm (6th), Shadow Conjuration (8th), Shadow Evocation (10th), Dirge of the Victorious Knights (12th), Greater Shadow Conjuration (14th), Greater Shadow Evocation (16th), Shades (18th)
Revelations
An oracle of the Death mystery can choose from the list of following revelations:
Channel Death (Su): You can channel negative energy like a cleric, using your oracle level as your effective cleric level when determining the amount of damaged caused (or healed to undead) and the DC. If you are healed via negative energy, using this on yourself is a swift action, as Lay on Hands. This energy can also be focused into controlling undead, as the feat. You can use this ability a number of times per day equal to 3 + your Charisma Modifier.
Blasphemy (Ex): Your time amongst the dead has changed your entire fundamental concept of what it is to be alive. Your Cha modifier now replaces your Con modifier when determining hit points and fortitude saves. You also heal via negative energy and take damage from positive energy. However, this act of corruption has angered those in power that would deem your transformation an utter blasphemy. When you take damage from positive energy, the damage is increased by 50%.
Ray of Judgment (Su): You cast cure or inflict spells as rays with a range of close (25ft. +5ft./level). This requires an attack roll and keeps the implied benefits and penalties (the chance to both critically hit and miss as normal, etc.)
Beacon of Negative Energy (Su): As a standard action, you can transform your body into pure negative energy, resembling an opaque being of billowing void. In this form, you gain the elemental subtype and give off a cold, damning aura that decreases the light level within 10 feet by one step, down to complete darkness. You can easily see through this darkness. However, attacks against you gain a 20% miss chance in dim light and a 50% miss chance in complete darkness, as per concealment. Any living creature successfully striking you with a natural or handheld weapon deals normal damage, but at the same time the attacker takes 1d4 points of negative energy damage + 1 point per oracle level and you heal for the same amount. Creatures wielding melee weapons with reach are not subject to this damage if they attack you. If you grapple or attack a living creature using unarmed strikes or natural weapons, you may deal this damage in place of the normal damage for the attack. Once per round, if you pass through a living creature's square or they pass through yours, they take this same damage. If you heal via negative energy, you gain fast healing 5 for the duration of this ability. You may choose whether or not to harm (or heal, in the case of undead) a creature when it passes through your space. You may return to your normal form as a free action. You may remain in Beacon form for a number of rounds per day equal to your oracle level.
Winter Revelation: You may select from the following revelations from the Winter Mystery: Cold Aura, Freezing Spells, Ice Armor, Servant of Winter. You must meet all prerequisites of the revelation.
Juju Revelation: You may select from the following revelations from the Juju Mystery: Dream Haunter, Natural Divination, Spirit Vessels, Path of the Snake. You must meet all prerequisites of the revelation.
Bones Revelation: You may select from the following revelations from the Bones Mystery: Armor of Bones, Bleeding Wounds, Soul Siphon, Voice of the Grave. You must meet all prerequisites of the revelation.
Shadow of Death (Su): You add all spells from the Necromancy school to the spells you can emulate with a Shadow Conjuration spell. You also add all spells that have an elemental descriptor to the spells you can emulate when casting a Shadow Evocation spell, but doing so changes that descriptor to [cold]. For example, if you cast Greater Shadow Conjuration, you may choose to emulate Circle of Death, a 6th level Necromancy spell. If you cast Greater Shadow Evocation, you may choose to emulate Firebrand, a 7th level Transmutation [fire] spell, but that descriptor and all relevant attributes change to [cold]. You must be 11th level to select this revelation.
Umbral Dimension (Su):You create a small dimensional space of pure shadow, using it to store anything from items to your undead minions. This functions as a Bag of Holding Type I, changing to Type II at 5th, Type III at 9th, and finally Type IV at 13th. Removing and storing items works as normal, but removing creatures requires time. Type I requires a swift action to remove one medium creature or two small creatures. With Type II, you may take a swift action to remove three medium creatures or one large creature. Type III, as a swift action you may remove two large creatures or one huge creature. Type IV, as a swift action you may remove two huge creatures or one gargantuan creature. Removing anything larger than what is indicated here is a full round action. Completely emptying the dimension takes one minute per type number, ie Type I takes one minute while Type III takes three minutes, during which time you are flat-footed. The gateway appears where you indicate and remains as all called creatures appear in adjacent spaces.
Lifesense (Su): As a free action, you detect all living creatures within 30ft. This penetrates walls and barriers and all forms of invisibility, as Blindsight. While this is active, you cannot see beyond 30ft. At 5th level and every five levels after that, this ability increases by 30ft, up to a maximum of 150ft at 20th level.
One of Me (Su): At 7th level, you treat all undead as their base types for the purposes of mind-affecting (harmless) affects, such as morale bonuses and buffs emulated with your Shadow spells. You must be at least 7th level to select this revelation.
Final Revelation
You become a being of pure undead shadow. You gain the elemental subtype and all undead within 50ft of you gain fast healing 10. Further, your command of undead is unquestioned. Any undead that fails its will save is permanently under your control, regardless of intelligence or immunities. This control can only be subsumed by someone whose caster level is higher than yours.
Dotted.
Class Skills: An oracle of Death gains Intimidate, Ride and Perception to her list of class skills.
Intimidate is obvious, but I don't see the case for Ride or Perception.
Bonus Spells: Ray of Enfeeblement (2nd), Haunting Mists (4th), Fractions of Heal and Harm (6th), Shadow Conjuration (8th), Shadow Evocation (10th), Dirge of the Victorious Knights (12th), Greater Shadow Conjuration (14th), Greater Shadow Evocation (16th), Shades (18th)
More "shadow" than "death" here.
RevelationsAn oracle of the Death mystery can choose from the list of following revelations:
Channel Death (Su): You can channel negative energy like a cleric, using your oracle level as your effective cleric level when determining the amount of damaged caused (or healed to undead) and the DC. If you are healed via negative energy, using this on yourself is a swift action, as Lay on Hands. This energy can also be focused into controlling undead, as the feat. You can use this ability a number of times per day equal to 3 + your Charisma Modifier.
Hahaha, F~$% no. Channel energy 1+Cha times per day and have the OPTION of taking Command Undead, and no on the swift action too. Compare with Oracle of Life.
Blasphemy (Ex): Your time amongst the dead has changed your entire fundamental concept of what it is to be alive. Your Cha modifier now replaces your Con modifier when determining hit points and fortitude saves. You also heal via negative energy and take damage from positive energy. However, this act of corruption has angered those in power that would deem your transformation an utter blasphemy. When you take damage from positive energy, the damage is increased by 50%.
Noooooo.
Ray of Judgment (Su): You cast cure or inflict spells as rays with a range of close (25ft. +5ft./level). This requires an attack roll and keeps the implied benefits and penalties (the chance to both critically hit and miss as normal, etc.)
Some people may cry OP on this, but it's really not. Also, touch attack spells already require attack rolls and have the potential to crit.
Beacon of Negative Energy (Su): As a standard action, you can transform your body into pure negative energy...You may remain in Beacon form for a number of rounds per day equal to your oracle level.
Needs a level limit. Probably shouldn't give fast healing.
Winter Revelation: You may select from the following revelations from the Winter Mystery: Cold Aura, Freezing Spells, Ice Armor, Servant of Winter. You must meet all prerequisites of the revelation.Juju Revelation: You may select from the following revelations from the Juju Mystery: Dream Haunter, Natural Divination, Spirit Vessels, Path of the Snake. You must meet all prerequisites of the revelation.
Bones Revelation: You may select from the following revelations from the Bones Mystery: Armor of Bones, Bleeding Wounds, Soul Siphon, Voice of the Grave. You must meet all prerequisites of the revelation.
How many revelations does this mystery have now?
Shadow of Death (Su): You add all spells from the Necromancy school to the spells you can emulate with a Shadow Conjuration spell. You also add all spells that have an elemental descriptor to the spells you can emulate when casting a Shadow Evocation spell, but doing so changes that descriptor to [cold]. For example, if you cast Greater Shadow Conjuration, you may choose to emulate Circle of Death, a 6th level Necromancy spell. If you cast Greater Shadow Evocation, you may choose to emulate Firebrand, a 7th level Transmutation [fire] spell, but that descriptor and all relevant attributes change to [cold]. You must be 11th level to select this revelation.
Seems legit.
Umbral Dimension (Su):You create a small dimensional space of pure shadow, using it to store anything from items to your undead minions. This functions as a Bag of Holding Type I, changing to Type II at 5th, Type III at 9th, and finally Type IV at 13th. Removing and storing items works as normal, but removing creatures requires time. Type I requires a swift action to remove one medium creature or two small creatures. With Type II, you may take a swift action to remove three medium creatures or one large creature. Type III, as a swift action you may remove two large creatures or one huge creature. Type IV, as a swift action you may remove two huge creatures or one gargantuan creature. Removing anything larger than what is indicated here is a full round action. Completely emptying the dimension takes one minute per type number, ie Type I takes one minute while Type III takes three minutes, during which time you are flat-footed. The gateway appears where you indicate and remains as all called creatures appear in adjacent spaces.
Swift action seems cheesy.
Lifesense (Su): As a free action, you detect all living creatures within 30ft. This penetrates walls and barriers and all forms of invisibility, as Blindsight. While this is active, you cannot see beyond 30ft. At 5th level and every five levels after that, this ability increases by 30ft, up to a maximum of 150ft at 20th level.
Blindsight is a costly high-level ability. 30' visual range is not much of a drawback. NO.
One of Me (Su): At 7th level, you treat all undead as their base types for the purposes of mind-affecting (harmless) affects, such as morale bonuses and buffs emulated with your Shadow spells. You must be at least 7th level to select this revelation.Sure.
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It's way too many things for one mystery, especially all the revelations he gets to borrow from other mysteries.
Also, cure and damaging spells aren't precisely equivalent; taking the mirror opposite from a Life mystery power doesn't mean it's the same power level.
If he's so into undeath, why doesn't he just take the Bones mystery?
My sum verdict: waaaaay too much. OP.
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Thanks for the feedback received so far. My player was a little hesitant to post it himself. Bad experiences on other forums have made him a little gunshy when it comes to presenting ideas on the internet, so I bit the bullet for him.
I don't want to stifle his creative output. He has some good ideas. Plus, he put in the time to create this and really wants to make it work. That was why I suggested posting it here in the first place. We pretty much figured it was overpowered from the get go, so stating that is OP isn't exactly helpful. What we're looking for is a way to make it more balanced in comparison to the other mysteries published while retaining an aspect of uniqueness. Again, this is why I came to the forums with this. People with a better handle on this sort of thing than I do would be far more adept at making this a better mystery.
I'm thinking the mystery should be called Shadow or Umbral, rather than Death. It seems more appropriate to me, as it reminds me alot of Pitch Black, the Bogeyman, from Rise of the Guardians if he had the powers of Jack Frost.
The revelations from other mysteries I can't speak to. I'll let my player answer that for himself.
The Channel Death revelation.... hmm.... Looking at it, I can see your concerns. What, then, should be done make it a better revelation?
What should be done to reduce the power of the Blasphemy revelation?
Umbral Dimension's action should probably be a move action, as it is for a normal bag of holding. Is that the only aspect of the revelation that you have issue with?
For the Lifesense ability, I'm thinking it should be like blindsense initially, improving to blindsight at later levels to represent improved precision with the revelation. I also think it shouldn't be available until 7th level with the improvement taking place at 15th level.
I'm not sure what to do about Beacon, though I like the idea behind it. Making it work in a more balanced way won't be easy.
Intimidate is obvious, but I don't see the case for Ride or Perception.
I wasn't quite sure where to go with it, since skill selection for different mysteries seems almost at random. Some would have four while others six and so on. So, Intimidate since this is obviously all evil and stuff. Ride to compliment Life's Handle Animal. Perception because it's the best skill ever.
More "shadow" than "death" here.
The two go hand-in-hand in my head.
Hahaha, F%$& no. Channel energy 1+Cha times per day and have the OPTION of taking Command Undead, and no on the swift action too. Compare with Oracle of Life.
I agree with the 1+ instead of the 3+, however, this was meant to be analogous to the Combat Healing that Life gets. You encounter undead all the time and have to take into account if you'd rather heal yourself or have some minions. I see what you're saying though. The swift action self-channel plus the Beacon heals together might be a little much.
Noooooo.
Noooooo what? Gaining your cha instead of con but also gaining a vulnerability to positive energy seems pretty fair. A standard cleric would destroy you. Maybe to add insult to injury I'd add a -2 to channel resistance.
Needs a level limit. Probably shouldn't give fast healing.
The normal Life ability has no level limit. The fast healing was also to show how you're practically overflowing with negative energy and if that heals you, it'd make sense to gain slight healing from it.
How many revelations does this mystery have now?
Eleven. It says specifically that you cannot take revelations several times unless they say otherwise. That means you can't have both Cold Aura and Freezing Spells.
Swift action seems cheesy.
I'd consider changing it to a move action, but it was as a swift action because with RAW on Bags of Holding, there's nothing stopping you from turning the thing inside out on your first turn and having your entire army there in one go.
Blindsight is a costly high-level ability. 30' visual range is not much of a drawback. NO.
As it states, you can ONLY see living creatures. The normal Life ability is just straight Blindsense with no drawbacks. This one takes careful consideration. Constructs would be invisible. Undead you don't control would be invisible. That ranger firing at you from beyond your range, his arrow is invisible and he's checking your flat-footed AC to put one between your eyes. If he's within your range I'd say you get a perception check with maybe a bonus to see that he's aiming straight at you. This should probably be pointed out in the revelation description.
I'm glad you liked the others though! I especially did enjoy Shadow of Death.
First off, this should just be pared down to some additional options for Bones Mystery, or an 'Archetype' modifying Bones Mystery some more. Fundamentally, Oracle Mysteries are not just unlimited to any and every concept or sub-concept you want, they are primarily linked to Domains. Making a full-on Darkness Mystery would be OK, but linking it Undeath is blurring the lines of Death Domain/Bones Mystery and Darkness Domain/Shadow concept... The point being that Clerics get two Domains, Oracles only get one Mystery, not one Mega Mystery that spans two Domain concepts. Plenty of these could work fine as additional options for Bones Mystery, but don't over-do it. That said, I'll address the specific abilities:
I wasn't quite sure where to go with it, since skill selection for different mysteries seems almost at random. Some would have four while others six and so on. So, Intimidate since this is obviously all evil and stuff. Ride to compliment Life's Handle Animal. Perception because it's the best skill ever.Intimidate is obvious, but I don't see the case for Ride or Perception.
Class Skills: An oracle of Death gains Intimidate, Ride and Perception to her list of class skills.
No reason to diverge from Bones Mystery here. 'Ride to compliment Life's Handle Animal' is ridiculous.
Bonus Spells: Ray of Enfeeblement (2nd), Haunting Mists (4th), Fractions of Heal and Harm (6th), Shadow Conjuration (8th), Shadow Evocation (10th), Dirge of the Victorious Knights (12th), Greater Shadow Conjuration (14th), Greater Shadow Evocation (16th), Shades (18th)
No way on Shadow Conjuration/Evocation, no emulating every conj/evo spell on wizard list, especially not if you want undead/negative energy theme as well as shadow. Notice how Mysteries grant a very few off-Oracle-List spells via the Mystery Spells? That's supposed to be the limited off-list access, not every single off-list conj/evo (and possibly necro) spell, bypassing spells known to boot.
Channel Death (Su): You can channel negative energy like a cleric, using your oracle level as your effective cleric level when determining the amount of damaged caused (or healed to undead) and the DC. If you are healed via negative energy, using this on yourself is a swift action, as Lay on Hands. This energy can also be focused into controlling undead, as the feat. You can use this ability a number of times per day equal to 3 + your Charisma Modifier.
This should work exactly like Life Channel, i.e. no Swift Lay on Hands, no free Control Undead Feat, you can take that Feat if you want to.
EDIT: BTW, I always wondered why Bones didn't include a Negative Channel ability, pretty obvious IMHO.
Blasphemy (Ex): Your time amongst the dead has changed your entire fundamental concept of what it is to be alive. Your Cha modifier now replaces your Con modifier when determining hit points and fortitude saves. You also heal via negative energy and take damage from positive energy. However, this act of corruption has angered those in power that would deem your transformation an utter blasphemy. When you take damage from positive energy, the damage is increased by 50%.
I would remove CHA to HP and Fort (you are still 'naturally healing' like a living creature), and change the 50% damage increase to Penalty to Saves vs Positive Energy. In other words, not much different than Dhampirs, but you don't need to be a Dhampir. If you're already a Dhampir, you probably wouldn't take this one.
Ray of Judgment
OK, but only Inflict, no thematic reason why Cures should also be affected.
Beacon of Negative Energy (Su): As a standard action, you can transform your body into pure negative energy, resembling an opaque being of billowing void. In this form, you gain the elemental subtype and give off a cold, damning aura that decreases the light level within 10 feet by one step, down to complete darkness. You can easily see through this darkness. However, attacks against you gain a 20% miss chance in dim light and a 50% miss chance in complete darkness, as per concealment. Any living creature successfully striking you with a natural or handheld weapon deals normal damage, but at the same time the attacker takes 1d4 points of negative energy damage + 1 point per oracle level and you heal for the same amount. Creatures wielding melee weapons with reach are not subject to this damage if they attack you. If you grapple or attack a living creature using unarmed strikes or natural weapons, you may deal this damage in place of the normal damage for the attack. Once per round, if you pass through a living creature's square or they pass through yours, they take this same damage. If you heal via negative energy, you gain fast healing 5 for the duration of this ability. You may choose whether or not to harm (or heal, in the case of undead) a creature when it passes through your space. You may return to your normal form as a free action. You may remain in Beacon form for a number of rounds per day equal to your oracle level.
Lose the specificity on Miss Chance, it's just working like normal lighting miss chance, if somebody can see thru that they can so don't confuse things with explicitly set miss chances. Cut the fast healing, it should work exactly like Life Energy Body: "You may use this ability to heal yourself [the same 1d4+1/level] as a move action."
Winter/Juju/Bones Revelation
This is way to much cherry picking, having one specific one from another revelation, or maybe two at max is OK, not this much. Again, this whole concept should either be a FEW additional options for Bones, or an 'Archetype' modifying Bones, but ending up with equivalent number of options as all Mysteries (i.e. not enough to satisfy a munchkin).
Shadow of Death
Just cut this, I already dealt with the Shadow Conj/Evo thing.
Umbral Dimension
Just cut this, maybe something adding Shadow Sub-Type (or Undead Skeleton/Zombie/etc) to Summons and a few appropriate buffs in it's place.
Uhh... WHAT?As it states, you can ONLY see living creatures. The normal Life ability is just straight Blindsense with no drawbacks.LifesenseBlindsight is a costly high-level ability. 30' visual range is not much of a drawback. NO.
Lifesense (Su): You notice and locate living creatures within 30 feet...
Undead you don't control would be invisible. That ranger firing at you from beyond your range, his arrow is invisible and he's checking your flat-footed AC to put one between your eyes. If he's within your range I'd say you get a perception check with maybe a bonus to see that he's aiming straight at you.
The ability as written works vs. living, whether you are controlling undead or not has nothing to do with that (you don't need to see undead to control them though, even if that is minorly useful). I have no idea what you're going on about with the bonus to see a (living) Ranger within range (of Lifesense) 'aiming straight at you', it works like Blindsight which means you effecitvely automatically pass the Perception check within range of the ability, if they are out of range of the ability then it doens't do anything, period.
...At face value, it should only ever work like Life Oracles, not scaling up range.
But I don't see why it should really work like that, really it should see UNDEATH not Life, and be named Deathsense.
If that's not such a useful ability (although like Lifesense, they both 100% accurately determine if a creature you can see is living/undead), perhaps it could also be buffed up a bit to also function as Deathwatch for creatures you are aware of. I would also extend it to awareness of areas infested by undead energy, e.g. Haunts (whether or not the Haunt is manifesting in the exact spot within 30' range). But especially since you will probably be controlling undead alot, that IS a pretty useful ability, to see them (and target them) even if they are Invisible... or normal sight is blocked by Supernatural Darkness, Fog, Smoke, Illusions, etc. Or make it work vs. anything with Negative Energy affinity, so you will also see Dhampirs, etc.
One of Me
OK.
Thanks for your input.
BTW, I think a separate Mystery purely for Shadow without Undead/Negative Energy connotation would be a great counterpart to Darkness Domain. I would let it go a LITTLE bit into Necromancy stuff, maybe Vampiric Touch and that sort of thing (since the Temp HPs are sort of 'real illusions') or Enervation, or even resistance to (/bonuses vs.) Negative Energy, but just nowhere near as much as this, encroaching on Bones' theme (whether or not Bones has all these specific abilities).
Where this all started is that I looked at Bones and I looked at Life and realized there's a massive gap there.
Life is a positive energy monster.
Bones is a neutered necromancer.
These are both my opinion but I felt that negative energy and undead both deserved better.
And the shadow spells greatly compliment an undead master because they're immune. You can throw a shadow fireball into a crowd of undead and they'd laugh.