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There was a farmer with trio of beautiful triplet daughters. He was very protective of them, so when he found out all three of them were having their first date on the same night, he decided to put judge their suitors. He sat on the front porch with his shotgun, ready to chase off any he thought unworthy. The first boy pulled up in a sedan, approached the farmer, and said "Hi. My name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer thought this was acceptable, so he called Betty out and sent the two of them on their way. A few minutes later, the second boy arrived in his convertible. He approached and said "Hello. My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're to see a show, is she good to go?" The farmer also found this acceptable, so he called Flo out and sent the two of them on their date. About 30 minutes passed, when the third boy arrived in a pickup. He walked up and said "Hey. My name is Chuck, " and the farmer shot him dead.
Edit: Yeah, Chuck might have planned on nekkidness.
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Please, no offense intended.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los disclaimer wrote: Alright, here we go again.
None of the above posts are meant to offend
Your gonna have a rough night. They're all rough nights.
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gran rey de los nekkid wrote: There was a farmer with trio of beautiful triplet daughters. He was very protective of them, so when he found out all three of them were having their first date on the same night, he decided to put judge their suitors. He sat on the front porch with his shotgun, ready to chase off any he thought unworthy. The first boy pulled up in a sedan, approached the farmer, and said "Hi. My name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer thought this was acceptable, so he called Betty out and sent the two of them on their way. A few minutes later, the second boy arrived in his convertible. He approached and said "Hello. My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're to see a show, is she good to go?" The farmer also found this acceptable, so he called Flo out and sent the two of them on their date. About 30 minutes passed, when the third boy arrived in a pickup. He walked up and said "Hey. My name is Chuck, " and the farmer shot him dead.
Edit: Yeah, Chuck might have planned on nekkidness.
his Poor third daughter chrushinator.
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A drunk stumbles out of a bar and vomits right in front of a wealthy couple. The wealthy man is outraged that someone would do something so uncouth in front of his wife, and shouts at the drunk "How DARE you throw up before woman!" The drunk looks up and slurs "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize it was her turn."
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Two rednecks were sitting on the porch when one of their dogs started licking it's own testicles. The first redneck says "Man, I wish I could do that." The second one says "Welp, you can try, but I'm willin' to bet he'll bite ya."
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The teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Johnny thinks for a second and asks "Are farts wet and lumpy?" The teacher is shocked and says "Of course not!" Johnny stands up and says "In that case, I have definitely shit my pants."
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Again, offense in unintended.
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A man is about to go whale watching with his girlfriend, and is worried about getting seasick. He asks his doctor if he has any advice. The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Just before you get on the boat, eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes." The man asks "Will that help keep me from getting seasick?" The doctor says "No. But it will really interesting floating by the boat."
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An elderly woman goes to her doctor and asks for a prescription for birth control pills. The doctor says "I don't mean to be rude, but you are 80 years old. Why do you need birth control pills?" The old lady says "They help me sleep." The doctor is curious and asks "How do they help you sleep?" The old lady says "I put one in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning, that way I don't stay up at night wondering if she's going to get knocked up."
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I sent my girlfriend a text the other day that said "ILY". She texted back "Can you please write that out. Seeing the words make me so happy." So I sent back "I'm Leaving You."
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gran rey de los mono wrote: An elderly woman goes to her doctor and asks for a prescription for birth control pills. The doctor says "I don't mean to be rude, but you are 80 years old. Why do you need birth control pills?" The old lady says "They help me sleep." The doctor is curious and asks "How do they help you sleep?" The old lady says "I put one in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning, that way I don't stay up at night wondering if she's going to get knocked up." I think that is illegal... Also I think she would have noticed.. also what happens if you take a double dose of those a day?
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The 3 Unwritten Rules of Success:
1)
2)
3)
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gran rey de los mono wrote: I sent my girlfriend a text the other day that said "ILY". She texted back "Can you please write that out. Seeing the words make me so happy." So I sent back "I'm Leaving You." that is like his third GF hes leaving. His wife must be cracking down on him.
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No offense intended by any previous posts. Neither is any criminal, dangerous, or unethical behavior encouraged.
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A new patient went to see a doctor about his ingrown toenail. The nurse led him to a cubicle and said "Take off your clothes and the doctor will be here shortly." The man said "Why do I need to take my clothes off, I'm just here about an ingrown toenail?" The nurse said "It's our policy that everyone has to undress," and then turned and left. The man started undressing, saying to himself "I think it's a stupid policy." He heard a voice from the cubicle next to him say "You're telling me. I'm just hear the fix the phones and they're making me get naked too."
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Did you hear that Chuck Norris got shot earlier today? Apparently the bullet is in critical condition, and may not pull through.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: A new patient went to see a doctor about his ingrown toenail. The nurse led him to a cubicle and said "Take off your clothes and the doctor will be here shortly." The man said "Why do I need to take my clothes off, I'm just here about an ingrown toenail?" The nurse said "It's our policy that everyone has to undress," and then turned and left. The man started undressing, saying to himself "I think it's a stupid policy." He heard a voice from the cubicle next to him say "You're telling me. I'm just hear the fix the phones and they're making me get naked too." I didn't know freehold was a doctor.
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The following takes place in a courtroom:
Attorney: "Is it true that at the scene of the accident, you told the police officer that you had 'never felt better in your life'?"
Farmer: "Yes, I did."
Attorney: "So why is it that you are now suing my client, claiming you were seriously injured when his car allegedly hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "Well, when the officer showed up, he went over to my horse, saw it had a broken leg, and shot it in the head. Then he went over to my dog, saw it had a broken leg, and shot it in the head too. So when he came over to me and asked how I felt, I thought those were the safest words to say."
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Once again, no offense is intended by any of those posts.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: A new patient went to see a doctor about his ingrown toenail. The nurse led him to a cubicle and said "Take off your clothes and the doctor will be here shortly." The man said "Why do I need to take my clothes off, I'm just here about an ingrown toenail?" The nurse said "It's our policy that everyone has to undress," and then turned and left. The man started undressing, saying to himself "I think it's a stupid policy." He heard a voice from the cubicle next to him say "You're telling me. I'm just hear the fix the phones and they're making me get naked too." I didn't know freehold was a doctor. If Freehold was the doctor, then I'm pretty sure the nurses would be nekkid too.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: The following takes place in a courtroom:
Attorney: "Is it true that at the scene of the accident, you told the police officer that you had 'never felt better in your life'?"
Farmer: "Yes, I did."
Attorney: "So why is it that you are now suing my client, claiming you were seriously injured when his car allegedly hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "Well, when the officer showed up, he went over to my horse, saw it had a broken leg, and shot it in the head. Then he went over to my dog, saw it had a broken leg, and shot it in the head too. So when he came over to me and asked how I felt, I thought those were the safest words to say."
Nope never felt better yelp I am completely A.O.K.
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Getting out and home to sleep!
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Kileanna wrote: Getting out and home to sleep! Woo nap time.
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Safe@Home.
And Impus Major on the cruelty of Hawaiian airlines:
"Passengers who need wheelchair assistance should remain seated."
Really, Hawaiian Air? Really?
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NobodysHome wrote: Safe@Home.
And Impus Major on the cruelty of Hawaiian airlines:
"Passengers who need wheelchair assistance should remain seated."
Really, Hawaiian Air? Really?
-_- ... :O ... -_-...
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Welcome home. Sorry we couldn't reach your post goal. I tried, but there are too many slackers around here.
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...And apparently he has a new "bucket" list item: Travel to Four Corners, and vomit in four states at once...
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Try not to be offended by that.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Welcome home. Sorry we couldn't reach your post goal. I tried, but there are too many slackers around here. He really did try... very hard too.
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NobodysHome wrote: ...And apparently he has a new "bucket" list item: Travel to Four Corners, and vomit in four states at once...
It's good? to have? goals?
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Welcome home. Sorry we couldn't reach your post goal. I tried, but there are too many slackers around here. No worries! I was going to do a Flickr thing for the trip (or whatever photo share I use -- I just right-click and hit "post". One day I may get in trouble for that), but this batch is over 600 pictures.
And while I'm sure all of you would love to pour through 600 pictures of strangers, I figure I need to pare it down to 60... apparently all of NobodysWife if Freehold gets his way.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: Welcome home. Sorry we couldn't reach your post goal. I tried, but there are too many slackers around here. He really did try... very hard too. Well, I can be very trying.
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NobodysHome wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: Welcome home. Sorry we couldn't reach your post goal. I tried, but there are too many slackers around here. No worries! I was going to do a Flickr thing for the trip (or whatever photo share I use -- I just right-click and hit "post". One day I may get in trouble for that), but this batch is over 600 pictures.
And while I'm sure all of you would love to pour through 600 pictures of strangers, I figure I need to pare it down to 60... apparently all of NobodysWife if Freehold gets his way.
** spoiler omitted **
So like 99% NobodysWife, 1% other hot women?
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A girl is getting ready for a heart transplant surgery. Her boyfriend is says "I love you." She says "I love you more." He says "I love you much more." etc etc ad nauseum. After the surgery, the girl wakes up and sees her father standing there. "Where is my boyfriend?" she asks. Her father looks at her solemnly and says "Didn't you know he was giving you his heart?" The girl cries "What?" and starts sobbing uncontrollably. The father busts up laughing and says "Ha! Just kidding! He's in the bathroom."
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Why do anime fans listen to the radio on their commute? Because they like car tunes.
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What do you give a guy with a machete for his birthday? I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it.
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A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a drink, just not vodka." The bartender starts pouring a drink and says "Vodka's your favorite. Why none today?" The man says "I'm done with vodka. I had so much last night I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says "Well, it's not unusual to vomit after drinking a lot. Just don't drink so much next time." The man shakes his head and says "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."
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Three men live on the top floor of a tall apartment building. One day the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs. To help pass the time, they decide to see who can tell the saddest story. The first man tells a sad story, which takes about 1/2 the trip. Then the second man tells an even sadder story, which takes up the rest of the trip. When they reach the top, the third man says "Well, we're here, and I'm going to tell you guys the saddest, shortest story you've ever heard. I left the keys in the car."
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I bought a discount thesaurus. It's terrible. Also, it's terrible.
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A carpet layer had just finished laying the carpet in an expensive house, and noticed he had lost his cigarettes. Looking around, he sees a suspicious lump under the carpet. He thinks to himself "No point in pulling all this up just for a couple of smokes." So he pulls out a hammer and pounds the lump flat. As he was getting ready to leave, the lady of the house comes over holding a pack of cigarettes. She says "I found these in the bathroom, I assume they're yours. Now, have you seen my pet hamster? He got out of his cage and I just can't find him anywhere."
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gran rey de los mono wrote: lisamarlene wrote: Reason no. 847,632 why I adore my daughter:
She and her brother are in their bedroom with the door closed before bedtime. I ask, "Why aren't you two brushing your teeth?"
She answers, "MOMMY, I'm just trying to get my brother to learn Ancient Greek."
Obviously.
Ὦ ξεῖν’, ἀγγέλλειν Λακεδαιμονίοις ὅτι τῇδε / κείμεθα τοῖς κείνων ῥήμασι πειθόμενοι. near as I can figure, your actually using modern greek here. and why bring up Lace Demons?
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There is the pet hamster^^^ (also that joke makes me sad.)
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The Game Hamster wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: lisamarlene wrote: Reason no. 847,632 why I adore my daughter:
She and her brother are in their bedroom with the door closed before bedtime. I ask, "Why aren't you two brushing your teeth?"
She answers, "MOMMY, I'm just trying to get my brother to learn Ancient Greek."
Obviously.
Ὦ ξεῖν’, ἀγγέλλειν Λακεδαιμονίοις ὅτι τῇδε / κείμεθα τοῖς κείνων ῥήμασι πειθόμενοι. near as I can figure, your actually using modern greek here. and why bring up Lace Demons? Near as I can tell, it's Thucydides, but I haven't had my coffee yet.
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Congratulations, gran rey de los monos, I do believe that's your funniest post in days.
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Most excellent.
John is awesome.
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