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Got my first ever D&D rejection letter. Here's my scenario.
I think it was killed due to the high number of plant monsters, which have the same effect as undead towards Rogues/Enchanters which caused the no-undead rule.
Skeleton Moon
Adventure Background
Of the many nations that have attempted to take control of Absalom, the nation of Geb has had the worst luck. Decades ago a Necromancer-General set up a siege castle on the Isle of Kortos, planning to invade the city with a massive legion of undead, all the while animating the fallen soldiers of Absalom's defense.
Before he could put his plan into action however, he was assaulted himself. A local grove of druids were disgusted by the undead being created at his siege castle. One night, under the dim light of a waning moon the druids assaulted the Gebbite siege-castle in what became known as the Battle of Skeleton Moon.
What happened
The druids attacked the few necromancers in the castle and their undead minions, using plant creatures primarily. The necromancers were taken completely by surprise and utterly wiped out. To ensure that the necromantic scourge never spread, the druids buried the siege castle, and while the druid circle has long since disbanded, an unremarkable hill still holds this hidden keep.
Recently a group of Pathfinders discovered the siege castle, and sent a runner back to Absalom with notes on its discovery. After a month they have yet to report back and the Society has grown concerned. They would like to know what happened to the former adventuring group, and anything else about this once-thought lost siege castle.
Encounter 1 – The sentries
The druids placed a family of (Tier 1 – Dire Badgers, Tier 4-5 Dire Wolves, Tier 6-7 Dire Bears) here to keep out possible intruders, they'll at first growl warnings, but attack if any attack them or the party attempts to venture further. A DC 25 Wild Empathy check will allow passage without combat.
Encounter 2 – Animation Station
This is where the Necromancers spent most of their time, making the undead legions which they would use against Absalom. It is where Osirion characters can do their Faction Mission and inhabited by some monstrous centipedes (Though I think Shadows might be better if you are willing to bypass the 'no undead' clause).
Encounter 3 – The Courtyard
In the center of the courtyard, where sunlight filters through the mound over the siege castle from dire-badger sized holes, a strange mound sits. It is actually a Tendriculous (lowered HD for lower tiers), for extra challenge the entire courtyard is under the effect of an Entangle spell.
Encounter 4 – The fate of the Pathfinders part 1
Inside the armory of the siege castle, the party encounters half of the former adventuring party, now risen as Yellow Musk Zombies and being controlled by a nearby Yellow Musk Creeper. (ToH, previously featured in Module W2)
Encounter 5 – The fate of the Pathfinders part 2
In the Necromancer-General's quarters/office the party finds the former Pathfinder Society members, moments after entering the room (a few will have faction missions relating to the former members) they are attacked by an Assassin Vine (advanced as appropriate)
Returning with the Pathfinder's ledgers is a successful end to this mission, as well as the half-finished letter written by the Necromancer-General (which will be found in Act 5)
Faction Missions:
Andoran – One of the Pathfinders who went mission was working for the Andoran faction leader, he was carrying with him a letter from a contact in Diobel that needs to be retrieved.
Cheliax – One of the missing Pathfinders signed a contract to a Chelish devil-binder. His blood belongs to the Devil-Binder and must be retrieved.
Osirion – The Necromancers used a different regent than the Black Onyx Gem usually required to animate the dead. Bring back a sample of it for study.
Qadira – Qadira considers the site a possible site for hiding smuggled goods, after all the site has been lost since it was first attacked. Qadiran faction members need to mark the site in some way so that it can be found and later investigated by higher-ups.
Taldor - Unknown to the Inner Sea region, the Necromancers were secretly funded by Taldor, who didn't believe they could actually succeed, but hoped the undead would weaken the city for their own purposes. In the current political climate, it would be bad if this information were to reach other nations, especially Nex. It must be made sure that nothing incriminating leaves the site.
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16, 2011 Top 32
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I too recieved my very first rejection letter. Here's my submission in all its (losing) glory!
Summary: Good and evil clashed in the sky over Absalom. When a Balor’s corpse crashed into the castle it landed in the rooms of an archwizard known as Cuthor the Fat. His suite collapsed into the caverns below on top of the body. An assassin vine took root in the body of the Balor and its descendents grew fiendish. The Balor’s intelligent whip survived the fall and spoke to the vine of the glories of Cyth-V’sug, the Demon Prince of the Blasted Heath. Over the years the whip whispered its blasphemies to the plants. Finally the current incarnation of the plant has embraced Cyth-V’sug and believes with the fervor of the recently converted. Yesterday a team of pathfinders cracked the puzzle lock of Cuthor, entered the hidden chambers and were slain by the vine within, all save one. He escaped to the Lodge before he died, holding an empty bottle of rare Azlanti wine known as Skeleton Moon and speaking of death in the dark. A Venture-Captain recognized the vintage’s worth and commissioned the PCs to retrace the team’s steps and find out if there are any unopened bottles, unaware of the assassin vine and its plans to serve Cyth-V’sug through carnage.
Encounters:
1. Gaining Entrance: the PCs must solve the riddle door of Cuthor, which consists of a magic mouth and 26 pictographs of various arcane symbols. The mouth states: “What is the enemy of peace and tranquility?” as 12 of the symbols light up. The answer is ‘interruption’. If no symbol is pressed within 5 minutes, all the symbols darken and the door opens. Any symbol pressed results in a small shock as the door resets. If opened the door closes itself after a minute.
2. No Time for Love: This library and sitting room contains some intact volumes as well as the most beloved couch of Cuthor the Fat. The couch animates as PCs enter and tries to ‘embrace’ them, holding them lovingly as it used to hold Cuthor. The years were not kind to the couch and its many exposed springs and rusted points make it dangerous. Simultaneously books animate and fly out, eager to serve their master. Broken bottles of wine litter this room.
3. The Dark Side of the Room: Half of this room is the preserved kitchen of the wizard and the other half is a vertical shaft leading downward that was created by the Balor’s fall. Although the castle’s collapse closed the top of the shaft above and further debris plugged the hole below, this part is mostly stable. The shaft falls 80 feet downward and PCs must climb, levitate or otherwise make their way down. A nest of darkmantles also lairs here, preying on small animals and unfortunate interlopers. Tunnels lead onward and down.
4. Earth Movers: Xorns use this room as a nesting site and waystation. One currently rests here.
5. Demon Salad Attack: This large damp sloping room features a 15 foot deep crater as well as remnants of prior meals and fields of fungus. The assassin vine and the whip rest here, living atop the still smoldering skeleton of the Balor. The current vine, a fiendish cleric of Cyth-V’sug, waits while the whip cries for help from the crater, luring the PCs closer.
Conclusion: After defeating the vine, all that remains are the matters of the intelligent whip and the wine. The whip is mostly insane after its years of entombed exile. Any information it’s likely to give may be unreliable at best or murderous at worst. The remains of the plant conceal a small darkwood cask containing a still fresh bottle of Skeleton Moon that survived the cataclysm intact.
Factions:
Andoran: Retrieve The Book of Release, Cuthor’s unfinished manuscript.
Cheliax: One of the slain pathfinders was carrying a letter that would be embarrassing to a Chelish diplomat. Retrieve it.
Osirion: Cuthor reportedly owned a coffer of rare Osirion spices. Get them back.
Qadira: Cuthor’s library contained maps of passes through the Barrier Wall Mountains. Find them.
Taldor: One of the slain pathfinders was carrying a letter that would be embarrassing to a Chelish diplomat. Retrieve it.
Any thoughts?
Mee Three unfortunately
The Druid's gift lay heavy in his hand. This seed, a powerful token of their loyalty, would deliver them the Grey Keep, and the road to Diobel would be open. The keep which protected the road would serve to block it as well, severing its link to Absalom. The Druids had promised that the seed would spell doom for the defenders, one and all, all it needed was the earth in the keeps courtyard.
Stealthily slung, the seed landed in the earthen courtyard as planned, and with terrible swiftness, grew into a mass of powerful tendrils. Caught unaware by the strangling vines, the defenders were quickly enmeshed. Also from the seed sprung a dryad of dread visage. She surveyed the scene, hesitated but a moment, and commanded the vine to finish the job. The screams of the defenders made even the Chelaxian soldier outside cringe.
Explanation:
Unique item which contained a Dryad and a gargantuan Assassin Vine. The Vine has been diminished by time and drought to a size the PCs can handle.
Summary
The Grey Keep has long been shunned, even by adventures seeking wealth, for the keep is enshrouded top to bottom by thick, thorny vegetation. However, recently uncovered evidence has suggested at least one important Andoran weapon may remain within the Keep. The PCs are contacted by the society and directed there to retrieve the lost item, and any others they should find.
The pathfinders arrive at the keep and see that due to the unusually dry weather, the verdant protection is dry, a skeleton of its original form. As a result, it has become occupied by a harpy and a few charmed goblins. The PCs will find the most obvious opening - a recently collapsed wall, trapped by a primitive but deadly dead-fall trap. Shortly thereafter, they will be resisted by the harpy. Entering the keep, they will see the stark visage of dozens of skeletons, hanging in masses of dried vines and gleaming in the cold moonlight.
Should they capture the harpy or one of the goblins, they can get a little information. Having lost a few goblins to the active vine below, the hateful critters will try to direct the PCs there to the treasures below, but will desperately avoid going down themselves.
The Dryad is dwelling below, in the cooler, moister underground levels. She is corrupted, hateful and dangerous, but will speak with the PCs from the cover of darkness. Deeper, the PCs find tunnels full of pale vegetation – the assassin vine itself. Overcoming the plant will grant them access to the object of their mission -– Andoran weapon, Taldor Shield. Upon exiting, the PCs will be set upon by mercenaries sent to retrieve the items.
Act 1 The PCs attempt to gain entry and find their progress blocked by traps. EL 3/5/7
Act 2 The PCs encounter a Harpy plus goblins dependent on tier. Combat, possible role-play. EL 3/5/7
Act 3 They encounter the Dryad. Possible role-play or combat. EL 3/5/7
Act 4 The PCs attempt to recover the items from the Vine. Pure Combat EL 4/6/8
Act 5 Leaving the underground, the PCs are attacked by mercenaries. EL 3/5/7
Conclusion
The PCs, having defeated the Vine, and survived the following ambush, have recovered items of value to the Society. Perhaps from the Dryad or surviving mercenaries, they may have some useful information as well. This keep can be repopulated and the trade route reopened.
Faction Missions
Cheliax Recover a sample of the Mother Vine, ideally some of the seeds or perhaps even the Dryad. The Cheliax know how the keep fell, of course. Preventing others from finding out would be a bonus.
Osirion Peaceable contact with the Dryad yields useful information, both against the Cheliax and the Andorans.
Taldor Some of the troops where Taldor mercenaries, including a rogue chieftain. Retrieve the shield of the chieftain who fell there, or identify whose family he was from.
Andoran Find out how the keep actually fell. Find out who specifically.
Qadira Clearing the keep will promote trade, and Qadira is ready to seize the opportunity. Facts that can embarrass the other factions would be very welcome.
I received my rejection as well. I'd be happy to receive any critiques, but looking at it now, I really didn't have a good hook in the beginning.
Ganix the necromancer accomplished little to make himself a noteworthy figure in history. He served Cheliax during the first siege of Absalom as did many necromancers. He fought from one of several siege castles built at the time, and like many others, he died during the conflict. Even the siege castle from which he fought fell in the battle, leaving nothing but a massive pile of rubble.
However, Ganix was the last owner of a relic called the Skeleton Moon. Legends suggest the crystal orb glowed with eerie necromantic light, and observers could see the swirling images of bones in the globe’s smoky depths.
The Pathfinder Society discovered a soldiers’ journal detailing the first siege and mentioning a necromancer named Ganex. The journal provides a map depicting the fortress’s floor plan before it was destroyed. One map section reveals a stairway leading to a subterranean chamber. The Venture Captain hires the PCs to excavate the site, find the stairway, and perhaps recover the Skeleton Moon.
Summary
The Society employs the PCs to excavate the siege castle, recover the Skeleton Moon, and return it to the society. During the excavation, they encounter goblin squatters, a rival treasure hunter, rats with a craving for human flesh, and an abnormally large assassin vine.
The excavation takes two days, and laborers are hired by the Society. The odd location of the stairwell and the absolute ruin of the castle have prevented the chamber’s discovery.
The Skeleton Moon is a magical crystal orb which sheds a pale light in a 50’ radius. It still hangs from a silver chain in the subterranean chamber. The relic casts a continuous Gentle Repose spell, affecting any corpse in the radius of the light. Ganix gathered scores of corpses from the battlefield, and he stored them in the chamber for later necromantic uses. The castle’s destruction sealed the chamber for centuries, and the Skeleton Moon preserved the hidden bodies. Then ten years ago a massive earthquake shook Absalom, creating cracks and fissures in the chamber walls. The new openings allowed scavenging rats to access the chamber. The rat swarms fed upon the preserved bodies and developed an unnatural taste for human flesh.
A Gather Information Check reveals that the area has a bad reputation for disappearances, especially among the poor. Human beggars particularly avoid the area. As such the rats have become ravenously hungry for their preferred meal.
Encounters
Goblin Squatters: These goblins live near the ruins. They opt to stay hidden, and observe. The Goblins attempt to rob the group the first night or attack anyone who ventures off alone. The goblins are aware of the vicious rats, and avoid their tunnels at all costs.
Rival Treasure Seekers: Laris Ekain thinks of himself as a local treasure hunter, but he is no more than a thug. He caught wind of the excavation and believes he may score a pay day from the PC’s efforts. He waits until the hard work is completed then leads a gang of thugs to attack the party.
Rats in the Rubble: Rats have built extensive tunnels in the rubble. During daylight hours, they can be heard squeaking under the stones as if calling to each other.
During a break in the day’s work, the rats attack a lone laborer who has wandered off site. He screams for help, and the PCs find him being attacked by several dire rats. From this point on, anyone wandering alone will be attacked by a group of dire rats. The rats flee if faced with significant opposition.
Rats in the Rubble II:
Nightfall changes the situation. The rats stop chittering, and begin silently stalking the PC’s campsite. Rat Swarms move into the area and attack humans in favor of other targets.
The Vault:
After unearthing the stairwell, the PCs discover an underground chamber. Thousands of bones litter the room which is illuminated by the Skeleton Moon. A subterranean assassin vine now thrives within the chamber. The hungry plant recently discovered a bountiful feeding ground here, and it grew abnormally large in the necromantic light.
Possible Missions
• Capture one of the vicious rubble rats for further study.
• Recover living matter that has been exposed to the Skeleton Moon for a prolonged length of time.
• Copy a journal page pertaining to Taldor’s involvement in the seige.
• Retrieve Ganix’s experimental notes.
• Return the remains of an Absalom noble who disappeared near the tower.
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Here's my rejected submission...
BE WARNED THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS RELATED TO "THE HYDRA'S FANG INCIDENT"
Almost a year ago, the infamous pirate Darsielle Du Moire made the fatal mistake of offloading most of his crew, under the command of his lover Ladyblossom, to a makeshift base in one of Kortos’ innumerable ruined siege castles prior to docking in the city of Diobel. Shortly after occupying the ruined castle, the pirates started to disappear, victims of an assassin vine. Without a ship or a real captain, and with their numbers thinning every night, the crew mutinied.
Ladyblossom killed the leader of the mutiny and fed him piecemeal to the assassin vine. The pirates, again squarely under Ladyblossom’s control, have taken to kidnapping the young-adult children of well-to-do merchants in Diobel; using them as forced labor to grow and harvest pesh; and finally ransoming them back to their families, minus a few limbs used to feed the assassin vine.
The latest victim of Ladyblossom and her landlocked pirate crew is Avigayil Shipman. Always the rebellious child, Avigayil took great pleasure in sneaking away from home to drink and carouse at a dockside tavern called the Crafty Croc. Several months ago, Avigayil was introduced to the drug pesh, a stimulant-hallucinogenic native to Vudra. Noting Avigayil’s erratic behavior, bloodshot eyes, and frequent nosebleeds, Algernon Shipman, a prosperous merchant based in Diobel, attempted to save his daughter by tightening his control over her. Sadly, Algernon’s efforts backfired, and Avigayil quickly found herself indebted to her pesh supplier, a man named Brasch Kaitel. In an effort to recoup some of his losses, Brasch was all too happy to sell the unsuspecting Avigayil to Ladyblossom and her crew.
Earlier today, Algernon Shipman received a package containing his daughter’s severed finger, still wearing the ring that he had given her for her sixteenth birthday, and a ransom note demanding the fastest vessel in the merchant’s fleet, the Skeleton Moon. The adventure begins when Algernon, loathe to surrender the ship and horrified of what the pirate’s might do to Avigayil even if their demands are met, asks the characters to find his missing daughter.
Encounter #1: Following a lead to the Crafty Croc, the characters have an opportunity to gather more information regarding Avigayil’s disappearance. The characters ultimately attract the attention of Brasch Kaitel. Brasch and his gang attempt to cut short the characters’ investigation. If defeated, Brasch pleads for his life, offering the location of the siege castle in exchange for mercy.
The castle consists of a ruined outer wall with a large courtyard and an intact, vine-covered, central ziggurat. The courtyard houses several recently constructed wooden shacks and a large field used to grow pesh.
Encounter #2: Sneaking through the ruined outer wall of the siege castle by night, the characters find a shack housing a handful of chained hostages. The hostages agree to share Avigayil’s location only if the characters will set them free and procure enough pesh, to which they are still addicted, to see them back to civilization.
Encounter #3: The characters are directed to a second shack where the processed pesh is stored. The characters will have to sneak by or overcome the pirates assigned to guard the drug, as well as contend with a series of locks and traps.
Encounter #4: With the help of the hostages or because of Avigayil’s screams of pain, the characters make their way to a third shack. This one occupied by the ship’s surgeon, his assistant, and Avigayil. Avigayil has already lost her left leg, and the surgeon is in the process of amputating the right. The assistant will attempt to block the doorway and sound an alarm, while the surgeon finishes his grisly work.
Encounter #5: Finally aroused, Ladyblossom rises to the defense of her castle. To reach Ladyblossom atop the ziggurat, the characters will have to wade through the pirates on the ground below and ascend the walls of the ziggurat, contending with the assassin vine that dwells there. To impede the characters’ efforts, Ladyblossom will cast spells such as entangle and plant growth.
Algernon will be pleased to have his daughter returned to him alive, though saddened by all she has suffered. In addition to any other awards, each character will be granted free passage on the Skeleton Moon at some point in the future.
Faction missions include:
Andoran: Destroy the remaining pesh.
Cheliax: Return Ladyblossom’s dismembered corpse to Diobel.
Osirion: Transcribe a series of inscriptions found atop the ziggurat.
Qadira: Obtain a record of Ladyblossom’s underworld contacts in Diobel.
Taldor: Create a false association between Ladyblossom and Cheliax.
You know, maybe I was the reason that we were asked to take it easy with the violence against children, but the whole time I was writing the scenario proposal, I pictured the "victim" as an ADULT (late teens, early 20s) child. Oh well, guess I should have selled all that out.
Chad
Epic Meepo,
I think you've already picked out some of the flaws with your proposal. The main thing that I can add is that adding a thirteenth month to the calendar, kind of "breaks" (with breaks being a pretty strong word) work that has already been done on the campaign world.
Chad
RPG Superstar 2013
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Normally I don't post my no-sells so I can package them again, but for the PFS scenarios, seems like a good way to get a critique so I can redo it and pitch it somewhere else...
Pathfinder Society Adventure #19: Skeleton Moon
Introduction: The dark godling Zyphus delights in causing senseless death. When his hand is raised against the races of Golarion, the only causes served by the resulting loss of life are the financial needs of undertakers, and the spread of his own morbid influence. Only the truly mad would serve such a god.
Such is the disposition of Silvatessen, a young druid who lost an entire grove to wildfires. Desperate for an explanation for her own personal loss, she became a disciple of tragedy. During her research, the bereft half-elf studied the many sieges of Absalom, and identified its smug residents as the target of her tribute to the Harvestman.
Silvatessen singled out Soniset Castle, one of a few siege towers on the island to have been abandoned during a mysterious plague that killed hundreds stationed there. Here the mad druid learned to resurrect the disease that claimed it, then offered herself to a deadly assassin vine, the moldered fruit of which would foster the great plague she hoped to unleash.
Blessed by Zyphus for her dedication, a portion of her consciousness survived as the giant plant choked the life out of her. She became the assassin vine in body, while retaining the mental capacity to move forward with her murderous plan. If she cannot be stopped, thousands may perish from virulent disease, and all Golarion will question the gods at the sudden loss of the City at the Center of the World.
Summary: The party is asked by venture-captain Janiff Ivulxtin to investigate rumors that the land north-east of the Cairnlands is dying. Acres of bare trees and migrating game have caused concern, and it is a matter of time before the monsters that inhabit the Kortos Mounts wander closer to civilization. With its headquarters in Absalom, the Pathfinder Society has as much an interest in such threats as any organization in town.
Encounter 1: The Pathfinders get their first clue that the local ecology is out of balance when they are attacked by mountain lions. The lions’ bodies show signs of disease, as well as evidence they have migrated from further inland. EL 4/5/6 unmapped combat with two or more diseased mountain lions.
Encounter 2: The characters encounter an old rope bridge, which they cross to reach the barren land they’ve come to investigate. While on the bridge they are attacked by a murder of harpies, who are excited by Silvatessen’s chaos. EL 4/6/8 unmapped combat with harpies, including an increase to the height of the bridge based on tier. While dangerous to unskilled characters, the bridge will not be a ‘save or die’ situation.
Encounter 3: The party approaches Soniset Castle only to be assaulted by the remaining siege weapons inside its walls. Two ballistae and one trebuchet are fired at them until they gain entry, and the PCs must combat the minotaur remaining at the gates. EL 3/5/7 mapped combat with minotaur, including attacks from siege machines while the PCs close the encounter distance and breach the walls of the keep.
Encounter 4: Exploring the inner keep, the PCs encounter the remnant of the minotaur tribe, who offer peace if the party can defeat the ‘giant vine’ and help find a cure. The most vital clues are found near an ochre jelly. Once the PCs bypass that obstacle, they uncover the history of the keep and learn of Silvatessen’s plot to kill all of Absalom. EL 3/5/7 mapped combat with ochre jelly.
Encounter 5: At the far wall of Soniset Castle, the PCs are greeted with the sight of a full moon, framed by several skeletons hung from parapets at the back of the keep. EL 4/6/9 mapped combat with advanced, ‘awakened’ assassin vine with druid levels near a mass grave, including a quicksand trap.
Conclusion: The party saves the remaining minotaur, who retreat to their underground tunnels and allow the heroes to rest before the trip home. Any afflicted by Silvatessen’s plague must be cured before they return to civilization. Though it’s unlikely the PCs will be credited for saving Absalom, the Pathfinder Society will honor them with increased prestige and perhaps record their exploits in a future chapbook.
Faction Assignments:
Qadira: contact suitable for opening trade negotiations with the races in the Kortos Mounts
Osirion: formula for the curing of poison or disease
Taldan: unusual plant life or herbs for cooking or cultivating.
Andoran: news or samples of the wild game in the Kortos Mounts
Cheliax: Lord Soniset’s clever time-keeping device
We didn't get feedback, but I imagine sending the pathfinders to investigate the environment outside Absalom violates the vagabond nature of the organization. I chose that because I thought it would still be viewed as another errand, but maybe it wasn't good enough.
PFS #10 spoiler alert!
I am more bothered by my rejection for the other scenario, because I thought I had some good stuff going. I'll kep trying, I guess.
Hey here is my Skelton Moon please critique is WELCOMED :)
Skeleton Moon
Introduction
A pale moon casts its eerie glow upon a crumbling siege castle. Tidal waves crash on this abandoned structure. The shell of the central tower topples and its spire points to a forgotten entrance. The PCs arrive at the ruined castle to explore. In the daylight sky the moon remains, a portent suggesting the storms will continue.
Summary
Malkin Bale, a fellow Pathfinder, asks the PCs to accompany him to investigate the new entrance. An expert on the surrounding siege castles, Bale shares the legend of a mercenary who called this castle home. This madman bargained with denizens of the deep to obtain a pearl known as the “Skeleton Moon”. This treasure granted him the power to call upon the fury of the sea to crush passing ships. When asked to fulfill his end of the bargain, he refused. As punishment the denizens destroyed his castle—the pearl disappeared. Rumors suggest the mercenary scrawled clues as to the pearl’s whereabouts in the castle dungeon.
With the discovery of the door, the denizens renew their search for the lost pearl. Unable to survive prolonged periods outside of water, they send an assassin vine to prepare the dungeon for their arrival. An unexpected mixture of the assassin vine and the fungus in the dungeon creates a new uncontrolled horror. With an unnatural instinct, the vine protects the mercenary’s scrawls. Ignoring the denizen’s commands it spurns its former masters’ attempts to approach the text. The vine lashes out with a hungry tendril devouring all but one. The survivor retreats and awaits another opportunity.
Accompanying the PCs Bale proves to be both a benefit and a hindrance. A race between the PCs and a denizen begins with the discovery of the forgotten entrance.
The PCs will encounter predatory plants, a mad fungus-infested mercenary, bramble creatures, a denizen, and the enhanced assassin vine.
Encounters
Encounter One: A recently discovered trapdoor bears the symbol of the Skeleton Moon. Here the PC must gain entrance into the lower dungeons of the siege castle. An aquatic plant crawls from the nearby fallen tower and attacks.
Bale cowers behind the PCs. EL 3/5/8 trap and combat with Jupiter Bloodsuckers (Tome of Horrors pg 172).
Encounter Two: With the doors opened the PCs descend down a staircase into the heart of the dungeon. The forgotten mercenary waits at the bottom. Trapped and altered by the plants, he welcomes death. He is armed with only a bastard sword, the rest of his equipment long rotted away.
Bale attempts to parlay with the mercenary. EL 3/5/8 encounter and combat with Fighter with Fungal Creature Template (Advanced Bestiary pg. 131).
Encounter Three: The fungal vegetation grows thicker as the PCs explore further into the dungeon. Difficult terrain affects the PCs in this encounter. The chamber follows the rules for light undergrowth (DMG pg 87). The fungi shriek. Changed denizens rise from the vegetation.
EL 3/5/7 encounter and combat with Shriekers and Sahuagin with the bramble template (Advanced Bestiary pg. 32).
Encounter 4: The surviving denizen prepares an ambush for the PCs in the dungeon catacombs. The party must navigate through waist high piles of fungus-infested bones (treat as light undergrowth). The denizen attacks the PCs while they are navigating the bone sea. He lures the PCs near unsteady piles trapping them under an avalanche of bones. Defeating the denizen, the party discovers his journal. It outlines a prophecy detailing a visitor from the seas reclaiming the Skeleton Moon.
Bale gets trapped under a pile of bones. EL 4/6/9 encounter and combat with Sahuagin and bone pile avalanche traps.
Encounter 5: After the catacombs the PCs arrive in a circular chamber. The walls are covered in vegetation, the floor littered with mushrooms. Writing on the wall peeks out from under the growing vegetation. As the PCs approach the wall the assassin vine attacks. The vine adjusts its position over the writing to reveal portions of the text that act on higher tiers as the symbol of pain and the symbol of insanity spells.
Regardless of Tier, a symbol of insanity affects Bale. EL 5/7/10 encounter and combat with assassin vine with flesh plant template (Advanced Bestiary pg. 115) and symbols.
Conclusion
If the PCs are successful they will find clues to the Skeleton Moon, keep Bale safe, and the storm will end.
Faction missions
Recover the Denizen’s journal. Transcribe the writings in the dungeon. Gain a seed from the vine. Recover the sword of the mercenary. Obtain poisonous fungus.
Hey Steven if you critique mine I'll take a look at yours, yes I know I am getting the better deal LOL!!
Hm. Interesting to see what gets picked. I figured my submission was fairly solid.
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Introduction:
The skeleton rises with the waves, trolling toward the shore. A human-child grabs the bones but something closes around her wrist. She struggles, but falls limp. Having hooked its prey, a gray tendril soars. Fishers see a terrifying silhouette as they watch tendril-tied skeleton and screaming child traverse a harvest moon, then plummet under waves.
An Osirion mage's siege castle was ruined, then covered by these waters. Looters picked it over, but never reached the castle's bow. In battle, cataclysmic magic triggered seismic activity which split the castle and sent part plunging into the earth. The mage's assassin vine, the castle-conquering Defiler, was believed destroyed. Now it appears the plant and its elongated tendrils have returned.
The Society needs you to investigate.
Summary:
Beneath a geyser, heroes conquer a ruined siege castle's magical workshop. To emerge victorious, they dodge lethal steam, massacre mephits, circumvent mad fey, and hang suspended in plants doing battle with vermin. In the depths, water rises, heroes unravel mysteries, and evade tendrils of an ancient Assassin Vine.
1.)
In the Steam: At the fishing village, the earth growls and tremors begin. A fissure opens and billowing fog spews grayish-green. A jet of steam and water splashes- a geyser. Then water subsides, leaving a relentless fog. The heroes, or a villager, discover a glass jar beside the fissure-opening. The etching reads “Sobek Ptah, Master Craftsmage.”
Descending vertically while ensconced in fog, heroes avoid steam jets and struggle to keep their footing. Halfway down, ravenous newly-freed mephits buzz the heroes' heads, seeking prey. [Tier 1-2: (2 steam mephits at ½ hp), Tier 3-4 (2 steam mephits, earth mephit), Tier 6-7 (2 steam mephits, earth mephit, dust mephit)
2.)
Heroes confront a cracked, but closed iron door. The earth quakes and heroes must break inside or suffer scalding damage. Inside, a metal room is filled with jars, lock boxes, elemental symbols, scrolls, and glaring pickled mephits. Glass shards and a rudely crossed out orb-symbol cover the metal floor. In a corner, something stirs. [Tier 1-2: (Gelatinous Cube ½ hp), Tier 3-4 (Fiendish Gelatinous Cube), Tier 6-7 (Ochre Jelly)]
3.)
In the Dark: A sealed metal door leads down. Opening it may trigger entanglement. The room's staircase has rotted, but heroes may descend a trunk or hang on vines. The room is strangely bright, then light disappears and vermin attack. Heroes swing on vines, while monsters skulk behind flowers. Plants writhe and a cacophony persists. [Tier 1-2: (Medium Monstrous Centipede, Shrieker, Violet Fungus), Tier 3-4 (3 Medium Monstrous Centipedes, Shrieker, Violet Fungus), Tier 6-7 (2 Huge Monstrous Centipedes (Fiendish), 2 Shriekers, Violet Fungus)]
4.)
Strange lights flicker. When the vermin is vanquished, there is an anguished cry and an invisible half-mad fey attacks with a sword and a strange glowing orb. [Tier 1-2: (3HD Grig), Tier 3-4 (Pixie), Tier 6-7 (3HD Pixie)]. With luck, the vermin-loving fey may be reasoned with. Blood-stained papers reveal this was the fey experimentation room and detail how to use love and magic to twist fey.
5.)
In the Wet: Vines grope through a rotted floor. A stab misses the heroes and smashes a hole in the rotting wooden wall. Water pours inside. Below, the Defiler writhes and pulls itself from the water, bones in its tendrils. Mushrooms and a marble chess table rest beside the vine. Concurrently, a ravenous phantom fungus ambushes the heroes. [Tier 1-2: (Large Assassin Vine), Tier 3-4 (Phantom Fungus, Huge Assassin Vine), Tier 6-7 (Phantom Fungus, 11HD Huge Assassin Vine]
If unstuck and opened, the table reveals potions, and castle drafting sketches. Each chess piece has a magical effect tied to plants/fey, or elementals.
Aftermath:
The Defiler collapses. Its death throes retract tendrils and the trolling skeleton inside, widening the ocean-fissure. The workshop floods, and the ground quakes. Factions have only a limited time to complete goals and escape unconquered foes. They had best be efficient.
Map:
Vertical Map of the village and ocean, the steam vent, the cracked vault entrance, and the siege castle's three levels.
Factions:
Andorens hope to prevent others from learning how to enslave fey.
Chelish heroes, in contrast, seek to harness power over plants and fey.
Osirion previously controlled the siege castle and secrets of mind control. Return with evidence of glory and a way to remake it.
Qadira knows the value of rare artifacts, such as the Apocalypse Table, a chess table that turns creatures into jade pieces.
Taldor seeks the Golden Orb. It can beguile minds.
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Is there anything else wrong with my submission? I figured it was fairly solid. Thank you.
Normally I don't post my no-sells so I can package them again, but for the PFS scenarios, seems like a good way to get a critique so I can redo it and pitch it somewhere else...
Pathfinder Society Adventure #19: Skeleton Moon
Introduction: The dark godling Zyphus delights in causing senseless death. When his hand is raised against the races of Golarion, the only causes served by the resulting loss of life are the financial needs of undertakers, and the spread of his own morbid influence. Only the truly mad would serve such a god.
Questions: Why are there minotaurs attacking the players? Are the minotaurs firing the ballistae? And why would a ballistae fired at players be anything much to fear? Those were seige weapons, no? Therefore they would be pretty inaccurate at best. How many minotaurs are there? Doesn't it take forever to reload a ballistae- and at least several minutes to reload a trebuchet- which won't be that useful at short distances. How long ago was the tower abandoned? Did you really need the bit on the dark godling "Zyphus"? It would have been nice to get into the adventure sooner. Also, "Skeleton Moon"? Where's the reference? Maybe I read too fast? There seems to be no moon and no skeleton.
The plague is a neat idea
Just a few quick impressions.
Epic Meepo-
It only seemed like you had 2 encounters? It wasn't very clear. Also, you mentioned "fiendish wildlife" ... perhaps specifics would have helped? It seemed like too much exposition in the introduction and too much background to the tale; players actions weren't highlighted enough. Perhaps.
Best.
~LD.
James Martin-
I really enjoyed your submission; especially the couch. :)
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Questions: Why are there minotaurs attacking the players? Are the minotaurs firing the ballistae? And why would a ballistae fired at players be anything much to fear? Those were seige weapons, no? Therefore they would be pretty inaccurate at best. How many minotaurs are there? Doesn't it take forever to reload a ballistae- and at least several minutes to reload a trebuchet- which won't be that useful at short distances. How long ago was the tower abandoned? Did you really need the bit on the dark godling "Zyphus"? It would have been nice to get into the adventure sooner. Also, "Skeleton Moon"? Where's the reference? Maybe I read too fast? There seems to be no moon and no skeleton.
The plague is a neat idea
Just a few quick impressions.
The siege encounter has the party getting to Soniset castle, and the minotaurs there defending their turf. Of course, the rules for the siege machine portion of the encounter, and the details of the minotaurs that defend this entry into their subterranean caverns are intended to be developed in the actual adventure. Just like I described a combat with harpies, but not all the details of the fight with the harpies. Strange that this would be the line of questioning, but I do appreciate any feedback.
Of course, Zyphus is a spooky influence and the reason for the druid to unleash a plague on Absalom.
The adventure you get to after the intro and motivation of the villain. Last open call I was a finalist and the one big critique I was given was "spend more time giving me motivation and development." The format for my submission has bee well-received before. I'll take a look at balancing that background info with getting right to the action, though the encounter descriptions are enough information as is, I think.
The intention is for the text to describe a full moon with the skeletal silhouettes of these barren trees once before the party reaches the keep. Then the text before the climax describes (as above) skeletons hanging from parapets like jewelry - framing the full moon just before the combat with the assassin vine. Even eerier when, during the beginning of the encounter, the vine pulls itself from the wall of the keep and it turns out she's wearing the skeletons like jewlery.
Like I said, I think my better effort was the other submission, but apparently the editors didn't dig that one either. Maybe I'll post that one up later this weekend.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
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Here's my stab at Skeleton Moon. It might have been too apocalyptic, or maybe the calculated gamble of giving the premier culprit a bit off a goofy, but memorable name rubbed all the wrong buttons.
Possibly using some not really supported magical effects were also a killer, or the inclusion of a (more or less useless) custom magic item. The faction missions could probably have been less antagonistic, or more creative.
Oh, and i probably self-edited myself out somewhere, with broken sentences etc. I suck.
Introduction:
The pathfinders of Absalom laughed at Mirakel Darklight, called her a wannabe, a dilettante and worse. None believed she really had the key to conquer the siege castle of Halgrun. Now, the moon shows a dissected skeletal face reminiscent of Groetus' visage, and moves across the sky backwards. Lookouts report motion inside the siege castle. A thick black ivy has overgrown the castle in the space of minutes. Panic begins to swell among the populace. Faced with this crisis, the Pathfinder Society sends their first available group to Halgruns castle. They are to examine the strange effects, and make sure the castle returns to dormancy.
The scenario centers around a siege castle that was trapped in a variant of a Temporal Stasis spell. Mirakel destabilized this spell when she tried to conquer the castle. Temporal effects dominate throughout this scenario, most simulated as spell effects applied to creatures. The pathfinders enter the siege castle, and find Mirakel Darklight trapped in stasis after she lost the orb that allowed her access. Equipt with the orb, the group can penetrate the castle further, but is soon stopped by the ivy overgrowth that has been empowered by the trapped spirits of the sieging soldiers. The time flux ends with the vines defeat and the castle to normal time. After some cleanup regarding Mirakel Darklight, the pathfinders return to Absalom as heroes.
Expanded Overview:
The pathfinders approach the siege castle and witness some in the temporal distortions caused by Mirakel. Several harpies circle the castle, their flight grossly distorted. Some seem frozen in midair,
others move with blinding speed. One or more break off to face the party before the gates. Depending on tier, this is either a singe harpy afflicted with Slow, or several afflicted with either Slow or Haste.
Inside the Siege castle the shades of ancient soldiers are preserved. The temporal fluctuations grow more intense here, and most still stand frozen in stasis. Some have awoken, however, and follow their last orders: To defend the siege castle. To simulate the increasing amount of time fluctuation, initiative is rerolled each turn for this battle.
Close to the actual keep, the party finds Mirakel Darklight. The Darklight sister is frozen in stasis, with one hand cut off. The missing limb lies several feet off, still clutching an orb of swirling black
and white. The orb is both the key to the siege castle and a shield against the temporal fluctuations. Whoever wears it, and any close by, are unaffected by the altered flow of time. Two automata, perfect
clockwork versions the ancient Nexian soldiers who once inhabited the castle, guard the keep gates. They must be defeated to gain access to the inner keep.
Once inside the inner keep, the ivy overgrowth of the castle comes alive. Actually, it is the essense of the frozen minds and nightmarish non-thinking sentience of the trapped soldiers. The Dream-Distilled Assassin Vine tries to ensnare and choke the life out of the interloping pathfinders before they can further harm the time displacement that now is spreading over the Isle of Kortos. In this encounter the pathfinders are protected from the direct displacement effects by Mirakels orb, but the Assassin Vine gains a number of special abilities depending on tier and random rolls.
After the battle with the vine, the castle returns to normal time. Any remaining ancient soldiers fade into dust. The fortress itself reverts to a "normal" ruin. Mirakel Darklight is released, not too much worse
for wear besides her lost hand. Soon after, three other Darklight sisters join the scene, just a touch too late to make any difference. The group must deal with these sisters, either through some kind of compromise, or combat.
Faction Missions:
Mirakel Darklight is a sympathizer with the Andoran cause, and occasionally passes information to them. Andoran pathfinders should bring her back safely, and ensure that her cover and raport with the Sisterhood remains intact. With the Darklight sisterhood entangled in a plot that might endanger Absalom, Cheliax requests that any proof of their involvement is removed. Osirion's necromancers request some
time-displaced artifact for further study - Mirakel's key will do as well. Quadiran Pathfinders must find and retrieve an amulet of historic significance was worn by one of the soldiers inside this siege castle.
Taldor intends to stoke the flames between Cheliax and Andoran by leaving forged proof linking the rogue Darklight Sister to Andoran.
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Here's mine, feel free to PEACH:
Almost 10 years ago, the city of Absalom was plagued by a series of gruesome killings. The mysterious murderer stripped his victims of skin, flesh and muscle, leaving only skeletons behind. The killer was dubbed “Skullface”, and his ghastly menace ran rampant for several weeks, until a manhunt led by a renowned Pathfinder Jolecco Kozak managed to corner him in his lair - a ruined siege castle called Blackcroft. After a desperate battle Skullface was slain, but not before killing several of his pursuers, among them Kozak. Ever since, the castle was shunned by the locals, for rumors were abound that the murderer’s spirit still lingered within its' grim walls.
Recently, Kozak’s daughter Hocaena set out to visit the place of her father’s heroic death. As she didn’t report back over the last few weeks, the Society dispatches PCs on a rescue mission. The PCs learn from the locals that the ruins are haunted, and nobody dares to venture there at night. Despite this, a young woman set out for the castle, and was not seen since her departure. Astute players notice that a full moon rises this night.
In fact, Skullface was a fanatic follower of Groetus. The strength of his faith was so great that the void god himself took steps to both protect Skullface’s resting place and usher conditions for his return… Unless the adventurers manage to intervene in time !
Encounter 1
As the PCs approach Blackcroft, they are ambushed by Fiendish Wolves. The creatures are guardians sent by Groetus to protect his champion’s burial place. Observant PCs might spot a skull tattoo on the body. EL 1/3/6 against Fiendish Wolves.
Encounter 2
Shortly after entering the castle, the party encounters Hocaena Kozak. She is wrought with madness after reading the “Apocrypha of the Void” – a holy text of Groetus penned by Skullface. PCs might be able to learn something from her insane mutterings, but eventually she will fly into maddened rage and lash out at the PCs. The PCs can try to capture her alive for possible recovery. EL 2/4/6 against human fighter/ranger.
Encounter 3
While exploring the castle ruins, the PCs bump into a squad of drow, who have emerged from long-forgotten tunnels beneath the castle and intend to use it as a base of their operations – but their plan went south after they ran into an assassin vine and lost a few of their number. Determined to remain undiscovered by surface dwellers, the drow bushwack the PCs. Hidden within the dark elves’ stash is “Apocrypha of the Void”. The book is both a boon and a bane, while reading it might give the PCs an insight into nature of the threat, it can also plunge the reader into insanity (as it happened with Hocaena). EL 3/5/7 against Drow.
Encounter 4
The PCs press on towards the castle interior, where they happen upon an ambush prepared by a group of Soulbound Dolls. The dolls were created by Skullface to act as his guardians and caretakers. During the combat, the dolls use a variety of clever traps that turn the crumbling ruins against the PCs. EL 3/5/7 against Soulbound Dolls (PF 7) and traps.
Encounter 5
Finally, the PCs reach the source of evil. At the heart of the ruins resides a massive assassin vine made out of living flesh – the result of a twisted mutation bestowed up Skullface’s vile corpse by Groetus. “Apocrypha of the Void” reveals that a devout servant of Groetus might be returned to life if all five signs of the god are present during a full moon. Of the previous encounters, the Wolves represented Chaos, Hocaena – Madness, Drow – Darkness, Dolls – Void but the final aspect, Destruction, will only be fulfilled if enough living blood is spilled over the vine's roots. During the final fight, with every wound caused on PCs a shadowy form of Skullface begins to materialize. It is up to players to kill the assassin vine before the ritual is complete and Skullface is returned to this world. EL 4/6/8 against an advanced flesh plant (from GR Advanced Bestiary) assassin vine.
Just my rejection letter. I thought my proposal was pretty good, but it seems another proposal was better.
Skeleton Moon
10 miles north of Absalom the Spire of Nex stands tall, a reminder of Nex’s inability to conquer Absalom in the year 166 AR. The existence of Nex’s Needle, a much smaller tower that stood in the Spire’s shadow, is considered a myth by sages. The Needle stood for less than a hundred days and after that time it was gone.
The Needle houses a gateway to a small demiplane, where Nex grew various plants on soil gathered from Groetus’s moon. Moonlight from Groetus shines inside the demiplane through a permanent gate. Uneasy about the results, Nex exited the Needle and with a movement of his arm, the ground ruptured and fell away. Nex toppled the Needle into the depression and covered it with dirt, burying the Needle in a shallow grave.
Four millennia later, in 4698 AR, an earthquake rocked Absalom, uncovering parts of the Needle. Varn Toog discovered the Needle after a venture into the Spire of Nex. Varn couldn’t believe his luck. Concealing the Needle again with some judicious use of magic and outdoor skills, Varn kept the existence of the Needle a secret. For seven years, Varn dug many tunnels trying to find an entrance into the Needle.
When he finally uncovered the Needle’s doorway and entered, he found the inactive gateway. Misinterpreting the instructions at the base of the gateway, he gathered as many mirrors as he could, acquiring the nickname ‘Mirrors’ as his collection grew, to guide the Sun’s light towards the crystal set at the center of the gate. When the Sun’s rays struck the gate, nothing happened and a disappointed Varn made camp at the gate. Then tragedy in the form of moonlight struck the mirrors and activated the gate. The flesh assassin vine (flesh plant template, Advanced Bestiary, page 115), freed from its timeless confinement in the demiplane, exited the gate and slew Varn while he slept.
Varn ‘Mirrors’ Toog’s heirs have auctioned off his belongings, after waiting three years for him to return. One of Toog’s journals finds its way into the hands of the PCs by way of a friend. Contained in the journal are clues to the location of Nex’s Needle.
Following the clues, the PCs find the entrance to Nex’s Needle; this is where the adventure starts.
Act 1
EL 2 / 4 / 6
Nex’s Needle lies on its side, providing the PCs with an unusual environment. From the Needle’s doorway, they need to rappel down to the floor (wall) below. Doing so however disrupts one or more thoqqua. They uncover many broken and melted mirrors.
Act 2
EL 3 / 5 / 7
After the PC’s scale the wall (ceiling) of the Needle to reach the tower’s second floor they uncover more broken mirrors. The PCs also encounter several stirges who will engage them.
For the first time the PCs encounter ghostly white, fleshy plants that soak up any spilled blood. These plants bask in mirror reflected, pale moonlight that originates from the gateway.
Act 3
EL 2 / 4 / 6
The Needle’s interior connects to the Darklands via a long winding tunnel. Several grimlocks currently use the Needle as a campsite. The grimlocks are uneasy because several hunting parties have not returned from the Needle. The flesh assassin vine consumed them. The white plants and moonlight reflecting mirrors surround the grimlocks campsite. If conflict occurs then the plants, hungry for blood, will try to entangle all combatants.
Act 4
EL 4 / 6 / 8
Delving deeper, the PCs reach the top (end) of the Needle. There they find the active magical gateway that provides access to the demiplane. It is also the source of the reflected moonlight that shines in parts of the dungeon. A magical trap (Summon Monster), placed here by Nex, guards the gateway.
Act 5
EL 4 / 6 / 8
If the PCs enter the moonlit, plant-covered demiplane, they will face the flesh assassin vine. As it is quite mobile, this could lead to an exciting chase through the Needle. Higher tiers will face an advanced and or elite array flesh assassin vine.
Conclusion
Monster free, the PCs can loot the Needle at their leisure.
Faction Missions
Andoran: Varn Toog was a loyal ally, avenge him if you can.
Cheliax: The paracountess has taken up an interest in dungeon ecology, provide specimens.
Osirion: Retrieve soil from the demiplane.
Qadira: Identify any new trade routes (Darklands).
Taldor: A special mirror for a special lady, retrieve a mirror that belonged to Varn.
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Ok, here is my take on the Skeleton Moon.
The Decemvirate chose Liam Cortés, an accomplished Pathfinder and self proclaimed expert on Siege Castles, to investigate and map the ancient stronghold.
The mission should have been his finest hour, but it turned out to be his worst nightmares come true.
First he discovered that the ancient Fortress was slowly sinking back into the sandy depth of the strand. Working frantically, it took him and his party almost four days to force their way in. Then, finally able to examine the Castle, Liam accidently set off the timer for a self-destruct mechanism. But his final and last mistake was to wake the guardian of the Stronghold from his age long sleep. The gigantic vine, created from flesh rather than plant matter attacked and subdued the Pathfinder. Since then it has been slowly digesting the Liam. But driven by an insatiable hunger for living, sentient creatures, the Guardian also sent out servants to gather more nourishment.
Meanwhile the Decemvirate is getting worried because they have not had a message for two days. Liam stopped to send updates, fearing reprimand for setting off the timer.
The adventure begins as the party is summoned by Venture-Captain Alissa Moldreserva. They are instructed to solve the mystery of Liam’s disappearance and finish his mission if he is unable to do so. They are reminded, that this assignment is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to place their names in the Pathfinder Chronicles.
Alissa has scant information to pass on to the party. From the Letters Liam sent to the Lodge she knows that the Siege Castle is of Taldan origin and to be more a Laboratory than a Barracks. The Pathfinder was accompanied by one Gracchus Kellarion, a wizard and Caylien Hall, a half-elf and specialist for traps and secret doors.
In the early afternoon, the party leaves Absalom. They traverse the Cairnlands, heading south until they reach the marshes of the southern coast.
On their way they meet an old Sheppard who drives his flock northwards. He warns them that “green Demons” stalk the marshes.
A short time bit later, a hydra attacks the party. Defeating it, the PCs learn that it was driven mad by poisonous thorns buried in its flesh. Following it’s trail the party finds the remains of the beast’s attacker - a heap of rotting plant material, some of it still bristling with poisonous thorns.
The party reaches the beach at dusk, where they have to brave the surf to get to the Siege Castle. Crossing the water, they are attacked by animated kelp that tries to drown them.
Inside the Siege Castle the PCs find out that the Castle soon will self-destruct, when the new moon, the Skeleton Moon, rises.
From now on DMs will have to keep an eye on a watch as the Players operate under a tight deadline if they want their characters to escape the destruction.
The party follows the way Liam took before, as it is the only way deeper into the castle. They notice fleshy tendrils on walls and ceiling, seemingly moving on their own accord.
On their way in, the Pathfinder and his group disabled the castle’s defenses. Unfortunately for the PCs, the Guardian was able to re-set a room trap.
Here the PCs find the remains of Gracchus. Already the fleshy roots of the Guardian burrow deeply into this rich soil.
Leaving the trap room, the party is attacked by plant creatures under the Guardians control.
After the battle, the PCs locate a secret alcove where Caylien is hiding. She is unconscious and poisoned.
Finally the party encounters the Guardian of the Castle - an advanced Fleshplant Assassine Vine growing from a heavy stone vat, filled with magic radiating sand.
Defeating the Sentinel, they find Liam’s body trapped under the fleshy roots.
The party has to make haste to escape the castle before it is destroyed in a fiery conflagration that is even seen in Absalom.
Andoran Mission: Rescue Caylien or bring back her body for proper burial.
Chelish Mission: The Taldans of old had potent poisons. Bring back a sample.
Osirion Mission: Obtain at least one artefact or magic item from the castle.
Quadiran Mission:The Taldans of old used magic to further agriculture. Bring back a sample.
Taldan Mission:Liam has deciphered the Taldan secret code. Recover his diary.
Epic Meepo:
Here are a couple of thoughts that jumped out at me.
Firstly, I would comment that the Pathfinder society is not a union of heroes but rather a 'Pulp' fellowship of adventures and scholars in the spirit of Indiana Jones. While the story sounds interesting, it doesn't offer any reason that the pathfinder society are interested in what will unfold. Why would they not simply warn the organisers to avoid that site and then let them make a mistake or not as the case maybe?
I like the fact that it is a series of strung together encounter style rather than a 'dungeon crawl', but I was left with the distinct impression that Mr. Frost wanted something more closely tied to a specific site. So having them deal with at least one encounter away from that site may have been a mistake.
Kudos on the mardi gras elements I really liked that, and feel you should have played on it more. The Faction missions seem reasonable
Hey Zombie can you critique mine its a few posts up, if anyone else would be so kind, I'd appreciate it.
Hey Zombie can you critique mine its a few posts up, if anyone else would be so kind, I'd appreciate it.
Larcifer: MS Word is already pointing out spelling errors and passive voice to me.
Who are the denizens?
And NPC's who steal the spotlight are also bad in my book.
Cool Dark Joy, Man I wish my word processer showed me the passive voice do you mind posting the sentences that are the culprits. Also the denizens are creatures that use the Shauguin cretature stats, I see how I "erred" on this but I think it is a good way to avoid some metagaming aspects, if you call the monster a denizen of the deep it to me, sounded more creepy, than "shaugin"....But ya I should have made it more clear. I ment for the NPC to be more of a side part, a foil that gets into danger, who the PCs have to keep safe, I can definatley see how some PCs may tire of that, It worked well in Age of Worms and Savage tide, so I went that route with him. Also he could be a DM cavet to tell some back story if the DM so desired. Ultimatley, if he lived or died was up to the PCs. He also provided a great way to show the creepy horror of the assasin vine as he goes insane by the madmans scrawlings. Any way thank you for the comments, I truely appreciate them.
Can you confirm the spelling errors, I got "Malkin"--Proper Name so no, Sahuagin again no, and denizen, which I will look into. If you have more I am GREATLY interested because then my word processor is the culprit...thanks.
Larcifer,
Don't you use word? Anyway, if you set your spell check to 'formal' MS Word at least recognizes the passive voice.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Also the denizens are creatures that use the Shauguin cretature stats, I see how I "erred" on this but I think it is a good way to avoid some metagaming aspects, if you call the monster a denizen of the deep it to me, sounded more creepy, than "shaugin"....
one thing to consider is that you are not releasingthe adventure to the public when you submit, you are just telling the publisher. If you say sahuagin in the submission, the editors know what you're talking about. If you describe a green, frilled humanoid with gills and tridents, some players might get sahuagin and some might not - that's in how you describe them. I think the editors want to know exactly what's going into the adventure so they can make decision, and then any dressing is best applied during the actual writing.
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks dark Joy, colour me embarassed! Ya it picked up 3 PV so thanks! Thanks Steven, I totally see what you mean, for the publisher a Shaguin with any other name is still a shaguin, thanks it sunk in. thanks guys.
The siege encounter has the party getting to Soniset castle, and the minotaurs there defending their turf. Of course, the rules for the siege machine portion of the encounter, and the details of the minotaurs that defend this entry into their subterranean caverns are intended to be developed in the actual adventure. Just like I described a combat with harpies, but not all the details of the fight with the harpies. Strange that this would be the line of questioning, but I do appreciate any feedback.
Well, I asked because the tactics seemed to need to be more involved when the minotaurs need to interact with the siege items. Also, their interaction doesn't seem very realistic- so more explanation to ground the data in real-life would be very welcome!
The adventure you get to after the intro and motivation of the villain. Last open call I was a finalist and the one big critique I was given was "spend more time giving me motivation and development." The format for my submission has bee well-received before. I'll take a look at balancing that background info with getting right to the action, though the encounter descriptions are enough information as is, I think.
Okay. I read the critique they gave you after your previous submission in preparation for my own this round (in fact, I based my submission on yours), but honestly think that perhaps you took their advice a bit too far and added too much backstory- regrettably, it bored me. (But of course, I am idiosyncratic, and so is Mr. Frost and he is the better one to pitch to!)
The intention is for the text to describe a full moon with the skeletal silhouettes of these barren trees once before the party reaches the keep. Then the text before the climax describes (as above) skeletons hanging from parapets...
Steven- oh my- apologies about not reading the 5th encounter closely. I looked at it again. I should be embarrassed about that. At that point I had started skimming a bit.
Oh well, best wishes this next round! I did enjoy reading your piece, or otherwise I would not have commented. :)
~ LD
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RPG Superstar 2013
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I appreciate your feedback. Very constructive. Like I said, I will try to stirke a better balance between better villain background and not enough encounter design. One thing I've always felt good about at home is well-conceived encounters, so I should definitely highlight that in my submissions!
This thread is a gold mine of fascinating material.
I haven't had so much fun since the hogs ate my brother. . . oops, uh. . . he was fully grown, not a child. . . . never mind. . .
Your selections are a pleasure to read and the critiques, insightful.
You are all winners in my book. KEEP IT COMING!
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Apologies in advance...
Preface
This scenario is a light-hearted romp in contrast to the more serious fare of late.
Introduction
The lunatic prince Haliad I nearly six hundred years ago encircled Absalom with a halo of temporary forts. These siege castles were nicknamed “Moons” - tiny satellites orbiting the magnificence of Absalom.
“Skeleton Moon”, the nearest of the keeps to the city, was originally named the “Prince’s Moon”, before the resident wags bestowed scatological sobriquets to the regiments barracked within. The Prince himself renamed the castle as a pointed warning to Smart-Arses[1].
Extraplanar elemental regiments dwelled in the castle’s subterranean rooms, which served as the base for the undermining operation to bypass the walls. Elementals of all types toiled through an intensive 16-week training regime to complete the army’s application forms.
The Stalkers, the prince’s clandestine operatives, also relocated to the complex during this time and began their campaign of espionage throughout the city. For example, Tallerga Kidge, an awakened assassin vine assassin, unleashed a reign of pleasant-scented terror in the Petal District’s abundant gardens.
Haliad I, frustrated by the army’s lack of progress, ordered the tunnel assault. Massed troops[2]queued behind the earth elemental sappers excavating the tunnel. As the force breached the surface, a single First Guard wizard welcomed them with a cheerful wave and a tunnel full of cloudkill. The gas soon seeped through the complex, leaving only Kidge and the elementals.
The disaffected elementals, despite Kidge’s exhortations, returned to the central summoning astrolabe, repatriating their respective planes, until some Bright Spark [3] fiddled with the device. Before the resultant Ignan profanity was translated, the complex was linked to the Maelstrom and surrounded by a field of chaotic energy, preventing passage.
The adventure begins with the PCs encountering the remnants of the last Pathfinder agents to return from Skeleton Moon. They now consist of an albino walrus, a Faberge egg, a grandfather clock, a small raincloud and a brass wheelbarrow.
Summary
The PCs discover hints to overcome the polymorph field and press on through the sapper’s tunnel underneath Absalom. Once the PCs negotiate the field, they encounter the three remaining elemental groups: the Marines, the Geological Infantry, and the Bright Sparks. Each of the elementals has a component of the astrolabe that is required for its repair.
Tallerga Kidge has transformed the astrolabe’s chamber into a verdant garden and will attack any intruders.
Encounter #1
The sapper’s tunnel shelters desiccated skeletons holding index fingers to pursed lips surrounding a sheepish-looking skeleton that has dropped a shield.
The polymorph field is a “primal” force, safe to traverse on prime-numbered rounds. The count resets every midnight. Once the PCs have made 10 successful moves, they can enter the complex.
This encounter includes a list of “20 amusing things to turn a PC into”.
Encounter #2
The commanding officers of the Water Elemental Marines were the last to leave. As a result, General Porpoise, the effervescent Lance-Major Boils and the brave Sir Finn linger here.
The elementals challenge the PCs to ritual combat and they must master the deadly Marid Dueling Towel before they can receive the Marines’ favor.
Encounter #3
The Geological Infantry is in fact the married earth elemental couple Rolling-Stone and Boulders-Akimbo. “Boss Kidge” has pressed the elementals into reluctant service, collecting fertilizer and moss for his lair. Understandably, Rolling-Stone hates gathering moss, and is low on satisfaction.
Encounter #4
The Bright Sparks clan of fire elementals (Snap, Crackle and Exothermic-Decompression) angrily react to the PC’s intrusion. If asked for assistance they decline [4]. If pressed, they fall into bickering about which one of them broke the astrolabe, and a melee ensues.
Encounter #5
Tallerga Kidge lurks around the astrolabe disguised as a white rose bush. The assassin, jack of being a Stalker, but unwilling to give up his castle, attempts to slay the PCs.
Conclusion
The PCs repair the astrolabe and send the remaining elementals home. They never speak of this adventure again.
Faction Missions
* Andoran – Recover embarrassing communiqués from Haliad I
* Cheliax – Retrieve the remains of the Chelaxian “plant”
* Osirion – Recover Marid weaponry
* Qadia – Get names of inter-planar traders from the elementals
* Taldor – Remove all evidence that this delve ever happened.
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Got my first ever D&D rejection letter. Here's my scenario.
This is...
Not gripped by the start. And since no names were used there are no real personalities that interest me. If you look at the first few scenarios there are people involved. People that stand out.
Overall I liked the encounters and ideas but the wow factor is missing. With so many people writing for this, I guess the winner will really stand out.
For myself I aint that interested in words spent on what monsters and the like, Mr Frost maybe, but I'd rather see them spent on fleshing out the plot and encounters in more detail.
There's my 2 cents worth.
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I too recieved my very first rejection letter. Here's my submission in all its (losing) glory!
If opened the door...
I loved reading the intro and summary. Great ideas and they made me want to play it.
The NPC's and encounters had a good mix and potentially the last one could be a killer at the lower Tier.
I'm struggling to find a good reason why this didn't win. Maybe the involvement of the Skeleton Moon was a bit thin and contrived. Was the wine the rare treasure? If so then the PC's may be a little deflated at the end of all the danger to just get a bottle of wine.
One thing I did notice is that there were two conflicting missions, Cheliax and Taldor, I could be wrong but isn't that a no no?
Anyway you're good. Just keep knocking on that door.
Cheers
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I didn't enjoy reading this as much as the last Open Call. You alluded to this being your weaker entry of the two and it felt like it.
It's all very solid and clever but perhaps the theme isn't as tight as when you were a finalist.
Light Dragon could be right about the Skeleton Moon thing, it isn't a big enough part of the adventure to be a title, in my opinion.
I copied (and tweaked) your format for my entry. My guess is that the Demon Devil one is really the one that has you all fired up, since nop one was chosen.
I'd like to see that one.
Cheers
P.S. I'm putting my Skeleton Moon up this evening, I'd appreciate your thoughts.
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Here's...
I agree with much of what you and others have said about this entry. Your ideas are clever and have made an good story. But not a good scenario.
One small point is about the way that you spaced the Intro and Summary out. I'd rather see longer paragraphs that would flow better. Perhaps?
Not much else to say that hasn't been raised before, but keep at it.
Cheers
P.S. let me know what you think of mine please. I'm posting it in several hours time.
I am still interested in feedback, don't be shy.
I am still interested in feedback, don't be shy.
I'll give it a stab, Darkjoy. Overall, I thought your scenario idea had a lot of merit. I'm a very critical, analytical person, though...so I may go more in-depth in my analysis of your submission than you'd like. Keep in mind, anything I say is only feedback. Some of it may not jive with what Josh was looking for anyway. So, take what you can from it...and discard the rest.
10 miles north of Absalom the Spire of Nex stands tall, a reminder of Nex’s inability to conquer Absalom in the year 166 AR. The existence of Nex’s Needle, a much smaller tower that stood in the Spire’s shadow, is considered a myth by sages. The Needle stood for less than a hundred days and after that time it was gone.
A few points on your introduction. First, it's best to never start a sentence with a number. Type out the word "Ten" as your lead-off.
Secondly, this paragraph doesn't really grab the reader. You're essentially describing the really super-cool Spire of Nex (from which you obviously took inspiration) and then diving down into the less-cool Nex's Needle as something smaller and less exciting. Therefore, the connection to Nex feels somewhat tenuous. I don't even think you needed that as the explanation for where Nex's Needle came from...it could have had any other backstory. And, the powers-that-be at Paizo may have entirely different ideas, thoughts, etc. about Nex, the Spire of Nex, and how it came to be outside the walls of Absalom. As such, the fact that you're tying in another siege castle named Nex's Needle with the inclusion of Nex (i.e., the arch-wizard himself) as the catalyst for its existence...well, that may have soured your entry in their eyes. They probably would have liked to see a deeper level of creativity for the backstory of the siege castle. But that's just a guess on my part.
Thirdly, a disappearing tower...i.e., it stood for only 100 days before it was gone...seems a little hard to believe. No one on the walls of Absalom would have been able to see the tower in the distance? No one would have heard or seen Nex bury it in a huge crevasse and then cover it with dirt? This too seems a bit contrived to the reader. You've got to suspend your disbelief a little more deeply to buy that as the explanation for why no one has found or explored this siege castle over so many years.
Next, I think you need to work on your introductory "wow" factor. Hit the reader with something eye-opening and compelling in the first two sentences. The way your intro comes across here, it's spending more time trying to explain the connection to Nex (and his super-cool factor) than what makes the adventure scenario itself super-cool. Make sense?
The Needle houses a gateway to a small demiplane, where Nex grew various plants on soil gathered from Groetus’s moon. Moonlight from Groetus shines inside the demiplane through a permanent gate. Uneasy about the results, Nex exited the Needle and with a movement of his arm, the ground ruptured and fell away. Nex toppled the Needle into the depression and covered it with dirt, burying the Needle in a shallow grave.
This paragraph too might be stomping on whatever Paizo has planned for Nex. Why would he have gatered soil from Groetus' moon? Legend says anyone who goes there either never returns or comes back entirely mad and a follower of the god of oblivion. It's hard to imagine Nex having anything to do with Groetus that wouldn't otherwise have affected him in the long-term. So, again, you might be messing with some of their major NPCs here.
In addition, I think the connectivity to a small demi-plane, though interesting, might be unnecessary for a low-tier adventure scenario. Later, you also make it so that this demi-plane becomes the area through which the assassin vine emerges. As such it might have been better to focus the major villain's lair as a part of the dungeon itself (i.e., Nex's Needle) rather than putting it elsewhere. I think your submission would have been tighter for it.
One thing I do really like though is the notion that the seed that created the assassin vine can only grow in the light of Groetus' moon. That's a cool connection to make. I actually used a flesh assassin vine in my entry too. So it was interesting to see your spin on it.
Four millennia later, in 4698 AR, an earthquake rocked Absalom, uncovering parts of the Needle. Varn Toog discovered the Needle after a venture into the Spire of Nex. Varn couldn’t believe his luck. Concealing the Needle again with some judicious use of magic and outdoor skills, Varn kept the existence of the Needle a secret. For seven years, Varn dug many tunnels trying to find an entrance into the Needle.
Seven years is a lot of time to judiciously hide a superstructure uncovered by an earthquake. So this explanaton stretches the reader's ability to suspend disbelief again. Maybe if you could have indicated the earthquake only uncovered a very small entrance...that would make it easier to hide. And then Varn wouldn't have had to spend seven years trying to find the entrance. It also would make the happenings around the Needle much more immediate...i.e., within the current timeline of the adventure scenario.
When he finally uncovered the Needle’s doorway and entered, he found the inactive gateway. Misinterpreting the instructions at the base of the gateway, he gathered as many mirrors as he could, acquiring the nickname ‘Mirrors’ as his collection grew, to guide the Sun’s light towards the crystal set at the center of the gate. When the Sun’s rays struck the gate, nothing happened and a disappointed Varn made camp at the gate. Then tragedy in the form of moonlight struck the mirrors and activated the gate. The flesh assassin vine (flesh plant template, Advanced Bestiary, page 115), freed from its timeless confinement in the demiplane, exited the gate and slew Varn while he slept.
I see a few problems here. Again, if Varn had to collect "as many mirrors as he could" surely someone would question that...maybe even follow him to see what he's doing with so many mirrors, etc. That makes it more and more unlikely he could keep his find a secret.
Also, I think it's a mistake to have the assassin vine slay Varn. You've spent all this time setting him up as the explanation for much of the backstory, but the heroes will never get a chance to meet him or learn how most of this backstory came to be. I think your submission would be stronger (and more interesting) if the assassin vine captured Varn and, being intelligent, chose not to slay him in exchange for something else...say, his efforts to continue digging and free it from the Needle so it could go on a killing rampage for Groetus in Absalom itself? Or perhaps in exchange for leading other poor souls into the Needle so it can murder them instead. There's lots of other more interesting directions I think the story could have gone. But with Varn dead, you shut alot of those possibilities out and that prevents the heroes from really learning how everything happened.
Varn ‘Mirrors’ Toog’s heirs have auctioned off his belongings, after waiting three years for him to return. One of Toog’s journals finds its way into the hands of the PCs by way of a friend. Contained in the journal are clues to the location of Nex’s Needle.
Hmmmm...so it's been 3 years since Varn was killed by the assassin vine? What's it fed on since then? Have their been other disappearances around the Needle? Has no one else found their way there? If Varn left clues in his journal, did no one else in his family figure them out? I think you could have tightened up this section to make it more compelling and believable.
Following the clues, the PCs find the entrance to Nex’s Needle; this is where the adventure starts.
So, there's no explanation then for what the clues involved? Or how the PCs put them together when no one else could? The journal just comes to them via a friend and they get involved...why exactly? Does the Pathfinder organization encourage them to do so? Or do the PCs just decide the Needle sounds interesting so they'll go check it out...and see if they can figure out why Varn disappeared three years ago?
Act 1...Nex’s Needle lies on its side, providing the PCs with an unusual environment. From the Needle’s doorway, they need to rappel down to the floor (wall) below. Doing so however disrupts one or more thoqqua. They uncover many broken and melted mirrors.
Any explanation for why the thoqqua are present in the Needle? These are extraplanar creatures of fire...so what reason do they have for being there? Without any explanation, this encounter doesn't seem very well integrated into the plot. I like the idea about rappelling down into a tower turned on its side...and that action disturbing something inside.
Act 2...After the PC’s scale the wall (ceiling) of the Needle to reach the tower’s second floor they uncover more broken mirrors. The PCs also encounter several stirges who will engage them.
For the first time the PCs encounter ghostly white, fleshy plants that soak up any spilled blood. These plants bask in mirror reflected, pale moonlight that originates from the gateway.
The stirge encounter seems to belong much better. I would assume they're drawn there because of the smell of blood from...ummm, where's any blood coming from exactly? If these white, fleshy plants soak up spilled blood...where have they (and the stirges) been getting their "food" from for the past several years?
Act 3...The Needle’s interior connects to the Darklands via a long winding tunnel. Several grimlocks currently use the Needle as a campsite. The grimlocks are uneasy because several hunting parties have not returned from the Needle. The flesh assassin vine consumed them. The white plants and moonlight reflecting mirrors surround the grimlocks campsite. If conflict occurs then the plants, hungry for blood, will try to entangle all combatants.
Ahh...now, there's a indication that there's flesh-and-blood prey active in the Needle as well. That's good, but the earlier encounter with the stirges and blood-drinking plants would have done well to mention it. I might even suggest that you could have eliminated the thoqqua encounter and had it be the discovery of several grimlocks drained of all blood. That way, when the PCs encountered the stirges, they would assume it was because of them...rather than the flesh assassin vine or the other blood-drinking plants.
One other observation would be to note that you've now included another way into the Needle via the Darklands. So, this poses another question as to why no one (even from the Darklands) has explored this fantastic ruin yet.
Act 4...Delving deeper, the PCs reach the top (end) of the Needle. There they find the active magical gateway that provides access to the demiplane. It is also the source of the reflected moonlight that shines in parts of the dungeon. A magical trap (Summon Monster), placed here by Nex, guards the gateway.
Assuming that Varn made it this far...and I guess he'd have to in order to have been slain by the assassin vine, wouldn't he have already triggered the summon monster trap? If so, does it reset? Doesn't the assassin vine itself trigger it when crawling through? Or is the assassin vine confined to the demi-plane? If it's confined there, and thus never sets off the trap, that sort of limits the impact of the primary villain of the scenario. In fact, if this flesh assassin vine is just a low-INT creature, it doesn't come off with enough oomph to really get inspired by it. It's just a horrorific beast at the end of a dungeon crawl.
Act 5...If the PCs enter the moonlit, plant-covered demiplane, they will face the flesh assassin vine. As it is quite mobile, this could lead to an exciting chase through the Needle. Higher tiers will face an advanced and or elite array flesh assassin vine.
Personally, I think you should automatically use the elite array in order to make the assassin vine more villainous. If it has a mind behind what it's doing, then it can have a plan that the PCs interfere with. I like the idea of the vine chasing them through the toppled tower...which is a terrain that should favor it more than the PCs. But locking it away in the demi-plane is a mistake, I think. Bring it more fully into the Needle...and have it actively snatching and feeding off of victims who wander too close. I think that would make for a more interesting scenario.
Conclusion...Monster free, the PCs can loot the Needle at their leisure.
Kind of a sparse conclusion. No wrap-up explanation to Varn's death? No discoveries within the ruined tower from long ago that would interest the Pathfinders? If the villain was more intelligent and had a master plan with goals in mind, you'd probably have more meat here. And hence, more riding on the heroes success.
Faction Missions
Andoran: Varn Toog was a loyal ally, avenge him if you can.
Cheliax: The paracountess has taken up an interest in dungeon ecology, provide specimens.
Osirion: Retrieve soil from the demiplane.
Qadira: Identify any new trade routes (Darklands).
Taldor: A special mirror for a special lady, retrieve a mirror that belonged to Varn.
Most of these are just okay...i.e., nothing that really gets me excited as a faction supporter to achieve those goals.
Apologies if any of that comes off harsh. It's just my general reactions and feedback...both as a reader and as an occasional freelance designer.
Hope that helps,
--Neil
I'll give it a stab, Darkjoy. Overall, I thought your scenario idea had a lot of merit. I'm a very critical, analytical person, though...so I may go more in-depth in my analysis of your submission than you'd like. Keep in mind, anything I say is only feedback. Some of it may not jive with what Josh was looking for anyway. So, take what you can from it...and discard the rest..
Wow! Thanks Neil, that was more than I expected. I appreciate it.
I don't want to beg here, but I'd really appreciate if someone took the time to read over my latest drivel, and suggest improvements.
Hey Zombie can you critique mine its a few posts up, if anyone else would be so kind, I'd appreciate it.
Give your thoughts on a two other peoples work(preferably who haven't had any comments yet) and i will see what i can do about looking yours over.
I don't want to beg here, but I'd really appreciate if someone took the time to read over my latest drivel, and suggest improvements.
As in all things, TerraNova...be careful what you ask for, as you just might get it. And if I'm brutally honest with you, there are a great many things to critique in your submission. As I said earlier to Darkjoy, please keep in mind I've got a fairly critical eye and strong opinions. Not all of them will match the powers-that-be at Paizo. My own entry didn't get accepted for Skeleton Moon either. So take anything I say with a grain of salt...no hard feelings...etc. Just hopefully useful feedback for you.
Here's my stab at Skeleton Moon. It might have been too apocalyptic, or maybe the calculated gamble of giving the premier culprit a bit off a goofy, but memorable name rubbed all the wrong buttons....Possibly using some not really supported magical effects were also a killer, or the inclusion of a (more or less useless) custom magic item. The faction missions could probably have been less antagonistic, or more creative....Oh, and i probably self-edited myself out somewhere, with broken sentences etc.
Well, aside from everything you've listed here (most of which I can see in your submission as well), I'll take a quick cut at the stuff that leaps out at me:
Introduction: The pathfinders of Absalom laughed at Mirakel Darklight, called her a wannabe, a dilettante and worse. None believed she really had the key to conquer the siege castle of Halgrun.
This starts off sounding like an NPC's background rather than an adventure's introduction to me. There's also a lot in those first two sentences that wind up raising more questions than they answer. And, for an introduction, you want to grab an editor in those first two sentences so he'll keep reading. Think of the basics from Journalism 101 class. Answer the "who, what, when, where, and why" within your first couple of sentences...or at least, the majority of those questions. You got down the "who" somewhat by mentioning "Mirakel Darklight", but since she doesn't play a major role in the adventure itself (and only the backstory) you've really left out the important "who" (which is the assassin vine). You've potentially covered the "where" by talking about Halgrun's Castle...but who's Halgrun? What's important about the castle? Also, there's just not enough explanation of the "what", "when", or "why" in the intro. So it doesn't grab the reader enough.
Now, the moon shows a dissected skeletal face reminiscent of Groetus' visage, and moves across the sky backwards.
This anomaly seems...well, anomalous. Is it visually apocalyptic? Yes. Pertinent to the adventure? I really can't tell from the beginning. How is it tied to the siege castle? It would seem that astronomers all around the world would be interested in this phenomenon...not just those living in Absalom...and there doesn't seem to be an immediate reason to associate it with anything going on with a simple assassin vine down by one of the siege castles outside the city walls. So, this is kind of visually interesting, but it comes off feeling more like you wanted to borrow that piece of artwork with Groetus' skull imagery imposed over the moon than really tying it into the adventure scenario.
Lookouts report motion inside the siege castle. A thick black ivy has overgrown the castle in the space of minutes. Panic begins to swell among the populace. Faced with this crisis...
Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with you that the end-of-the-world apocalypse angle doesn't help the adventure that much. That's too campaign-spanning for the purposes of a 4-hour scenario intended to be run at a convention. I'm also unsure of why the panic sets in just because some black ivy quickly grows over a siege castle and the moon starts moving backwards. Unless there's an immediate impending threat to people's lives...and/or evidence of people losing their lives as a result of these things...the panic seems very contrived, story-wise.
...the Pathfinder Society sends their first available group to Halgruns castle. They are to examine the strange effects, and make sure the castle returns to dormancy.
If anyone does take the nature of the moon moving backwards with Groetus' skull on it...and black ivy overtaking a siege castle in the span of minutes...seriously, I'm thinking the Pathfinders (and many more organizations) would send in their A-team...not just the first team available. So, again, I think you're undermining your scenario by playing to the gonzo end-of-the-world thing.
The scenario centers around a siege castle that was trapped in a variant of a Temporal Stasis spell.
And now you've gone even more gonzo with the time-based explanation for weird effects happening at the siege castle. You also capitalized temporal stasis when it should be lower-case and italicized as the spell.
Mirakel destabilized this spell when she tried to conquer the castle.
Why exactly is Mirakel trying to conquer the castle? There hasn't been an active siege castle around Absalom in years. This is supposed to be a ruined siege castle that's probably been picked over for many years. As mentioned in the submission instructions, you need a good reason for why all those looters and explorers missed whatever's causing this assassin vine to be active there. Your temporal stasis thing is a unique way of answering why the castle still has something to offer explorers...and presumably Mirakel's orb brought out the time-displaced defenders...but how'd they get that way? More questions on top of questions, I'm afraid. So there's just too many loose ends in your proposal.
Temporal effects dominate throughout this scenario, most simulated as spell effects applied to creatures.
A little gonzo with the time-based stuff might have been okay. But if it's going to the be centerpiece of everything that occurs in the adventure, it starts to undermine the villain of the scenario...which is supposed to be your assassin vine. And since I'm bringing up the villain, I'll note here that you really haven't said much about the assassin vine, its purpose, or its role as the primary villain. By leaving out such a major component of the scenario in your writing thus far, you're really not hitting the mark as a designer. A major part of the "who" should focus on the villain and what he/she/it is after, because that's going to define a great percentage of the plot and the heroes' actions to counter it.
The pathfinders enter the siege castle, and find Mirakel Darklight trapped in stasis after she lost the orb that allowed her access. Equipt with the orb, the group can penetrate the castle further, but is soon stopped by the ivy overgrowth that has been empowered by the trapped spirits of the sieging soldiers. The time flux ends with the vines defeat and the castle to normal time. After some cleanup regarding Mirakel Darklight, the pathfinders return to Absalom as heroes.
Okay, the orb feels like a big-time macguffin...i.e., a contrived plot device that motivates the characters and advances the plot, but the details of which are of little or no importance otherwise. That's a big mark against your submission, because if the PCs leave behind the orb, what then? You've assumed they'll pick it up and carry it with them, when that might not happen. Since it's clutched in her severed hand, perhaps they'll come to view it as something to avoid?
The bottom line here is that you should never write things into your adventures that require the PCs to do a specific thing...and without which, much of the remaining story unravels. It's like putting a bunch of the adventure behind a special locked door that requires a specific key to open it. Without the PCs finding and using that key, the adventure can't continue. Your orb comes off feeling that way.
My next question (as a reader and a designer) is what happens when the PCs pick up the orb and benefit from its effects? Are they able to free Mirakel Darklight by coming in close proximit to her? If so, what does she tell them? Does she aid them somehow? If so, how much more prepared is she to deal with what's happening at the siege castle than the PCs themselves? You don't want to undermine their value to the adventure with a major NPC.
Expanded Overview: The pathfinders approach the siege castle and witness some in the temporal distortions caused by Mirakel. Several harpies circle the castle, their flight grossly distorted. Some seem frozen in midair, others move with blinding speed. One or more break off to face the party before the gates. Depending on tier, this is either a singe harpy afflicted with Slow, or several afflicted with either Slow or Haste.
An immediate question springs to mind here. Why are the harpies there? If some of them are moving at an accelerated speed, what's preventing them from simply leaving...i.e., why'd they choose to stay? This encounter feels a little forced...as if it's just there to provide a combat for the PCs...not because it's an integral part of the adventure.
Lastly, an editor's note...the phrase "The pathfinders approach the siege castle and witness some in the temporal distortions..." has some grammar problems. You might want to work on that and proofread better.
Inside the Siege castle the shades of ancient soldiers are preserved. The temporal fluctuations grow more intense here, and most still stand frozen in stasis. Some have awoken, however, and follow their last orders: To defend the siege castle. To simulate the increasing amount of time fluctuation, initiative is rerolled each turn for this battle.
Simply rerolling the iniative each turn for a battle with the castle's time-released defenders feels like you underplayed it. Temporal distortions should have a much greater mechanical impact, I would think. Particularly, if you're playing up the end-of-the-world thing with the moon moving backwards, etc.
Lastly, an editor's note...the phrase "Some have awoken..." has verb tense problems.
Close to the actual keep, the party finds Mirakel Darklight. The Darklight sister is frozen in stasis, with one hand cut off. The missing limb lies several feet off, still clutching an orb of swirling black and white. The orb is both the key to the siege castle and a shield against the temporal fluctuations. Whoever wears it, and any close by, are unaffected by the altered flow of time. Two automata, perfect clockwork versions the ancient Nexian soldiers who once inhabited the castle, guard the keep gates. They must be defeated to gain access to the inner keep.
Aside from the macguffin issue I brought up earlier, your adventure (and the DM really) will have to decide what kind of mechanical impacts the orb has when the PCs move closer to Mirakel Darklight...or the slowed/hasted harpies and other denizens of the castle. Do former soldiers defending the castle get released from stasis if they pass by them? These are important questions your adventure (and hence the scenario) would need to address...otherwise, you could easily overwhelm the party with an entire army of defenders set free one encounter at a time in the castle.
Also, we now learn that ancient Nexian soldiers once inhabited the castle. Okay, that's a bolt out of the blue. We had no inkling that Halgrun's Castle involved Nex from your earlier introduction or synopsis. Now introducing a couple of automata versions of such soldiers also feels a little contrived...like you just reached into a bag of potential adversaries and pulled forth clockwork automatons. Personally, I don't mind the automatons in the story...but how'd these things exist there with no one ever finding them? Did all this stuff just materialize out of time and space because Mirakel walked into the ancient siege castle? As a reader, I'm confused and missing pieces of whatever image you're trying to convey about the location and adversaries of the adventure. As a writer, you need to make sure you illuminate stuff like that.
Once inside the inner keep, the ivy overgrowth of the castle comes alive. Actually, it is the essense of the frozen minds and nightmarish non-thinking sentience of the trapped soldiers. The Dream-Distilled Assassin Vine tries to ensnare and choke the life out of the interloping pathfinders before they can further harm the time displacement that now is spreading over the Isle of Kortos. In this encounter the pathfinders are protected from the direct displacement effects by Mirakels orb, but the Assassin Vine gains a number of special abilities depending on tier and random rolls.
This encounter just comes off feeling like one last monster to face...not the villain of the entire adventure. In fact, based on how you've written everything, I don't even get a sense that the adventure has a villain. That's a big miss for me...and probably for Josh as well.
After the battle with the vine, the castle returns to normal time. Any remaining ancient soldiers fade into dust. The fortress itself reverts to a "normal" ruin.
Why? What's the vine got to do with the temporal effects? Why does its death end the effects? This is another gaping hole in your scenario that needs filling.
Mirakel Darklight is released, not too much worse for wear besides her lost hand. Soon after, three other Darklight sisters join the scene, just a touch too late to make any difference. The group must deal with these sisters, either through some kind of compromise, or combat.
If the assassin vine is supposed to be the villain of the entire adventure, it really ought to be your last combat encounter. Otherwise, the party is going to be so weakened by the previous challenge that they may well fall victim to this one. Including the Darklight Sisterhood also feels a little forced. I used them in my submission, too, but I thought it was important to give them reasons for being there. Later on, I saw some of the folks at Paizo mention in another thread that they wouldn't be playing up the Darklight Sisterhood much at all. I guess a lot of folks were using them in their Pathfinder scenarios? So, that might have been a knock against both of us.
Faction Missions: Mirakel Darklight is a sympathizer with the Andoran cause, and occasionally passes information to them. Andoran pathfinders should bring her back safely, and ensure that her cover and raport with the Sisterhood remains intact. With the Darklight sisterhood entangled in a plot that might endanger Absalom, Cheliax requests that any proof of their involvement is removed. Osirion's necromancers request some time-displaced artifact for further study - Mirakel's key will do as well. Quadiran Pathfinders must find and retrieve an amulet of historic significance was worn by one of the soldiers inside this siege castle. Taldor intends to stoke the flames between Cheliax and Andoran by leaving forged proof linking the rogue Darklight Sister to Andoran.
Hmmm...these faction missions all seem to blur together. Structurally, I think you'd have done better to break them up into their own separate paragraphs. This is a mostly low-tier adventure, so a lot of the missions (and the artifacts, temporal stasis, end-of-the-world stuff) feels kind of misplaced here. If this were a high-tier adventure, I could see it more. But with everything else going on in your scenario, I just think it fell apart...
My two-cents,
--Neil
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
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Thanks for your review. I agree on all but one counts, actually. So this is not a counter-critique, but some additional explaining what went through my head.
What i had in mind was a mishap while using a temporal stasis spell in one of the final battles during the Nexian siege, which created this "lost" Siege castle. The "time issues" also offered to add a few "cute" quirks to otherwise straightforward combat encounters.
I really like the Darklights as pathfinder wannabes. So they seemed like a good group to bite off way more than they could chew, and get themselves into trouble.
I was aware of the problems of becoming too big, but really liked this angle at explaining why the castle hadn't been picked clean yet. This resulted in the awkward mix of huge effects and tiny impact. I aimed for "Weird and scary" but not "Guaranteed to change the world". Maybe a short paragraph a'la "what happens if they fail" might have helped here.
The adventure indeed hasn't got a single big villain to finish off. I know it was a gamble, but the plant (as the essence of the trapped, choked consciousness of the time-lost soldiers) didn't seem to be good material to give personality, so I left it at "Dungeon Boss".
The final encounter with the other sisters was supposed to be another jab at them being too little, too late. It wasn't even supposed to be a necessary combat encounter, but rather some social maneuvering (especially given the faction missions).
The faction missions were mashed together. It was either that or cutting even more text i thought more valuable than headings. I still believe the proposal was better for it, but it might just have been a format violation too many.
Also, in the interest of full-disclosure, active participation in the feedback process, and to take some of my own medicine, I'll post my own submission here as well:
Pathfinder Society Adventure 18: Skeleton Moon
Introduction:
Several treasure-seekers disappear near the supposedly well-picked ruins of Moonhaven, a crescent-shaped siege castle outside Absalom. The Pathfinder Society offers a new assignment for a select band of heroes to investigate the mystery while also determining if the former-Chelish stronghold retains any secrets looters may have missed in the 400 years since its abandonment.
Summary:
Moonhaven serves as the final resting place of eldritch knight Felmordis Leroung, who turned to evermore desperate measures in his assault on Absalom on behalf of King Haliad III of Cheliax. In a secret chamber beneath this stronghold, Felmordis invoked the Moonstone of Groetus to empower himself with the souls of his lost soldiers. But instead the backlash drew the soul of every living creature within the keep into its empty heart. When the forces of Absalom finally stormed the castle, they found only the appearance of a ritual suicide and declared victory despite their inability to locate Leroung.
Ten years ago, a powerful earthquake rocked Absalom and shook the Moonstone from its pedestal in the hidden dungeons below. Shattering upon the ground, it summoned a terrible seed from the void. Infused by Leroung’s spirit and Groetus’ madness, the seed grew into an assassin vine formed of festering alien flesh. Personified by Leroung, he guided the vine to reach through the cracks and fissures left by the earthquake to feed upon rats, birds, and occasional squatters sheltering in the ruin. But he could never quite escape his prison. For years his roots and vines toiled to widen the half-collapsed hallways, further weakening the grounds of Moonhaven above.
A few weeks ago, Leroung’s efforts paid off as several major sinkholes appeared alongside the siege-castle’s walls. Ironically, these gaping holes in the ground resemble the eyes, nose cavity, and grinning teeth of the skull of Groetus. Looters who came to investigate found themselves brutally attacked in the night, victims of Groetus’ newest assassin, Felmordis Leroung.
Encounter 1:
When the PCs first arrive at Moonhaven, they discover the remains of another camp of would-be explorers. Evidence indicates something dragged away the camp’s inhabitants into the sinkholes. As they begin their own descent, the PCs disturb a flight of stirges feasting on the blood and skeletal remains of Leroung’s latest victims, hanging from exposed roots along the walls.
Encounter 2:
Upon reaching the bottom of the sinkhole, the PCs enter a cavern filled with fungus grown from the offal of the assassin vine. Any movement disturbs several shriekers lurking among the mushrooms. Amid their noise, the PCs might believe some horror continues murdering unfortunate campers screaming from the shadows, but the shriekers only serve to draw them into further attacks by violet fungus. Afterward, the PCs find a real survivor in Tressa Leroung, one of Felmordis’ descendants and a member of the Darklight Sisterhood performing her own investigation of Moonhaven ahead of the Pathfinders. In no condition to counter the heroes, she provides them with information about her ancestor and his pact with Groetus.
Encounter 3:
Venturing deeper into the dungeon, the PCs discover a tapestry blocking further access. It depicts Groetus’ skull-and-moon symbol over a field of battle where armored knights struggle against unimaginable horrors. Attempting to bypass this barrier triggers a summon monster trap which releases different aberrations upon each activation (including fiendish vermin, animals, and outsiders).
Encounter 4:
The PCs uncover the treasure of Moonhaven used by Felmordis to pay his mercenaries and equip them for battle. Disturbing these trophies unleashes animated guardians using the armor and weapons of ancient Chelaxian knights.
Encounter 5:
The party finally encounters Felmordis Leroung in his twisted manifestation. Statistically, he uses the “flesh plant” and “savant” templates from the Advanced Bestiary. His tactics involve using stalagmites as a maze of tunnels and obstacles where he can seek cover and drag his victims kicking and screaming to their final reward.
Conclusion:
The heroes end the threat of Leroung’s murder spree, save Tressa Leroung of the Darklight Sisterhood, and return to the Pathfinder Society with much deeper insight into the mystery of Moonhaven and the Moonstone of Groetus, as well as several treasures from ancient Cheliax.
Factions:
Factions have varied goals in the adventure, including the recovery of Tressa Leroung, samples of violet fungus, analysis of the magical traps and guardians, priceless relics from ancient Cheliax, and Moonstone remnants.
Thanks for your review.
No problem. Just trying to help. In the absence of any further feedback from Josh going forward, this is the next best place for it. Hopefully, he'll drop by from time to time and raise some further points for those specifically seeking comments from him or other Paizo designers.
What i had in mind was a mishap while using a temporal stasis spell in one of the final battles during the Nexian siege, which created this "lost" Siege castle. The "time issues" also offered to add a few "cute" quirks to otherwise straightforward combat encounters.
Then that's what you should have said...very early in your intro and adventure synopsis. You basically held back a very vital part of understanding your scenario. And in a submission, it's more important to explain the scenario to Josh...not hint at it, skirt it, or gloss over it. Come out swinging with it. And, if temporal stasis and time-suspended opponents don't ring a bell with Josh, at least you fully presented your idea as you imagined it.
--Neil
Showed his scenario
Neil,
How does his descendant know about the villains pact with Groetus?
I don't know what a moonstone of Groetus is, but it sounds as if it is quite important to the faith.....are they readily available? And does it in any way 'break the world'?
So the assassin vine has been feeding on rats and other vermin for 400 years? Vermin might not be really intelligent but even they should figure out that the ruins are unsafe resulting in the starvation of the vine.
As you pointed out there is a similairity between our proposals, great minds do think alike ;>
Hi Terranova I'll take a stab at yours:
First your Intro is a bit disorganized. You are talking about Mirakel having the key to conquer a siege castle, but then just drop off and switch to a Moon that has reversed its trajectory. Why and how are these 2 events related. You need a sentence to link these, probably, what exactly Mirakel did to cause the moon and balck ivy to act in the way they are. This is missing in the intro and it is confusing.
In the second paragraph you do get to this, but I think its too late, it needs to be presented right away. You lost me as a reader.
Also when you suggest a varient of something, you may need to explain exactly what it will be as the publisher has no "gold standard" to compare it to, and may be wary of allowing this into their game world sight unseen.
Minor note "Equipt" is not a word.
You state Mirikal looses the orb, and that the party can enter the castle with the orb. My question is how does the orb end up in the possesion of the PCs. That is important. Once in your encounters section I see how they aquire it, it is there, but maybe it needs to be in the summary.
Some minor grammer errors.
"The pathfinders approach the siege castle and witness some [in] of the temporal distortions caused by Mirakel.
The following snetence may need further exlanation for the publisher
Whoever wears it, and any close by, what is close 30ft?, 100ft? are unaffected by the altered flow of time.
Two automata, perfect clockwork versions ... minor error
Once inside the inner keep, the ivy overgrowth of the castle comes alive. Actually, it is the essense of the frozen minds and nightmarish non-thinking sentience...
These words are opposite of each other, it creates confusion for me as a reader.
"but the Assassin Vine gains a number of special abilities depending on tier and random rolls"
While I think this is cool, the scenerio is only 4 hours long, and I recieved feedback stating, in a 4 hour scenerio rules that create a new set of micro management cause 2 things. 1) they consume time, and 2) they take up precious space in a limited word count of the final document.
The last encounter seems anticlimatic for me, just my opinion tho.
NSpicer Here is my humble attempt.
This following sentence is incomplete, you are missing a ”that” or a [comma] “which”. Otherwise it becomes a question of possesion, who owns the secrets…
The Pathfinder Society offers a new assignment for a select band of heroes to investigate the mystery while also determining if the former-Chelish stronghold retains any secrets that looters may have missed in the 400 years since its abandonment.
“evermore desperate” is a bit awkward, why not re write the sentence to something similar, it also saves words.
“Moonhaven serves as the final resting place of eldritch knight Felmordis Leroung, who employed desperate measures during his assaults upon Absalom on behalf of King Haliad III of Cheliax.”
“But instead” This is unnecessary, choose either “But” or “Instead” they imply the samething and both are awkward. Therefore, the sentence will be either: “But, the backlash…” OR “Instead, the backlash…”
Honestly, besides minor issues, I really enjoy your submission so far, it makes me what to continue this is a good thing. If you can clean up the awkwardness in the few place I think its great
Your summary is clear and follows a logical time sequence, it answers the initial question of WHY the over picked ruin has never been found before, an earthquake, or divine intervention from Groetus, again nice. The choice of the phrase “But instead” in the following sentence is awkward, in the future try the phrase, “however”, or “nevertheless” or simply remove the “But”:
But instead the backlash drew the soul of every living creature within the keep into its empty heart.
Becomes
“Instead the backlash…” or “However, the backlash…”
Your encounters are good, in my Vampires and Vaults submission Josh ask me to stay away from animated objects, the reason was not explicit, maybe overdone…
I hope this helps. Well done! My submission is above I would love your opinion please.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
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NSpicer: Ok, here's my return critique of your scenario. I hope i got it right:
Pathfinder Society Adventure 18: Skeleton MoonIntroduction:
Several treasure-seekers disappear near the supposedly well-picked ruins of Moonhaven, a crescent-shaped siege castle outside Absalom. The Pathfinder Society offers a new assignment for a select band of heroes to investigate the mystery while also determining if the former-Chelish stronghold retains any secrets looters may have missed in the 400 years since its abandonment.
I'm not up to speed at Absaloms history enough to really check if Cheliax is a possible originator, but... I think the PFS is not supposed to become a work for hire organization too much. In addition, I wonder if you could not have used a more gripping intro. I know, glass houses and everything, but just making the siege castle crescent-shaped does not scream "this one is different" to me.
Also, what exactly is this scenario going to be about? Exploring a siege castle. Close to 10% of the submission written, and nothing really said that wasn't in the outline anyway.
Minor quibble: The scenario is low-level. These guys probably will not be a select band of heroes as much as some daredevils either out for their own good, or somehow drafted to the task.
Summary:
Moonhaven serves as the final resting place of eldritch knight Felmordis Leroung, who turned to evermore desperate measures in his assault on Absalom on behalf of King Haliad III of Cheliax. In a secret chamber beneath this stronghold, Felmordis invoked the Moonstone of Groetus to empower himself with the souls of his lost soldiers. But instead the backlash drew the soul of every living creature within the keep into its empty heart. When the forces of Absalom finally stormed the castle, they found only the appearance of a ritual suicide and declared victory despite their inability to locate Leroung.Ten years ago, a powerful earthquake rocked Absalom and shook the Moonstone from its pedestal in the hidden dungeons below. Shattering upon the ground, it summoned a terrible seed from the void. Infused by Leroung’s spirit and Groetus’ madness, the seed grew into an assassin vine formed of festering alien flesh. Personified by Leroung, he guided the vine to reach through the cracks and fissures left by the earthquake to feed upon rats, birds, and occasional squatters sheltering in the ruin. But he could never quite escape his prison. For years his roots and vines toiled to widen the half-collapsed hallways, further weakening the grounds of Moonhaven above.
A few weeks ago, Leroung’s efforts paid off as several major sinkholes appeared alongside the siege-castle’s walls. Ironically, these gaping holes in the ground resemble the eyes, nose cavity, and grinning teeth of the skull of Groetus. Looters who came to investigate found themselves brutally attacked in the night, victims of Groetus’ newest assassin, Felmordis Leroung.
Might have been too apocalyptic, too. :) Skeleton Moon somehow seems to call out to that obscure minor deity. I've done a quick wordcount here, and come up with roughly 25% backstory in this submission. This is a whole lot. Add to this your intro, and we end up with close to a third of the submission before the "actual adventure".
This probably was too much.
Encounter 1: (Stirge Attack, EL 3/4/5)
When the PCs first arrive at Moonhaven, they discover the remains of another camp of would-be explorers. Evidence indicates something dragged away the camp’s inhabitants into the sinkholes. As they begin their own descent, the PCs disturb a flight of stirges feasting on the blood and skeletal remains of Leroung’s latest victims, hanging from exposed roots along the walls.
Pretty gruesome imagery here. Might not be PG13, which was the target age bracket for the scenario.
Encounter 2: (Shriekers/Violet Fungi, EL 4/5/6)
Upon reaching the bottom of the sinkhole, the PCs enter a cavern filled with fungus grown from the offal of the assassin vine. Any movement disturbs several shriekers lurking among the mushrooms. Amid their noise, the PCs might believe some horror continues murdering unfortunate campers screaming from the shadows, but the shriekers only serve to draw them into further attacks by violet fungus. Afterward, the PCs find a real survivor in Tressa Leroung, one of Felmordis’ descendants and a member of the Darklight Sisterhood performing her own investigation of Moonhaven ahead of the Pathfinders. In no condition to counter the heroes, she provides them with information about her ancestor and his pact with Groetus.
Hmm, more Darklight Sisters. Great minds think alike?
The Darklight Sisterhood will probably be featured very little, so including them might have been a strike against the group.
Infodumping via NPCs might not be the greatest technique, but it gets the job done. However, how is Tressa Darklight "written out" again without it seeming GM fiat? Some healing spells later she should be able to assist, which is a royal pain. Especially in a 4 hour setting.
Encounter 3: (Tapestry of Groetus – Summon Monster Trap, EL 4/5/6)
Venturing deeper into the dungeon, the PCs discover a tapestry blocking further access. It depicts Groetus’ skull-and-moon symbol over a field of battle where armored knights struggle against unimaginable horrors. Attempting to bypass this barrier triggers a summon monster trap which releases different aberrations upon each activation (including fiendish vermin, animals, and outsiders).Encounter 4: (Treasure Room, Animated Objects EL 4/5/7)
The PCs uncover the treasure of Moonhaven used by Felmordis to pay his mercenaries and equip them for battle. Disturbing these trophies unleashes animated guardians using the armor and weapons of ancient Chelaxian knights.
Solid encounters. Nothing to really wow me, though. They look ok, but I am really missing spice here. They neither really contribute to the overall story much, nor are they mechanically interesting.
The treasure room might be a bit of a problem, though... if the treasure was significant (1st level here!), everyone would want to play this scenario once word got around even a little. If not... "Yu-hu. A treasure room full of... trash and monsters. Yeah, great job GM."
Encounter 5: (Assassin Vine, EL 5/6/8)
The party finally encounters Felmordis Leroung in his twisted manifestation. Statistically, he uses the “flesh plant” and “savant” templates from the Advanced Bestiary. His tactics involve using stalagmites as a maze of tunnels and obstacles where he can seek cover and drag his victims kicking and screaming to their final reward.
Very nice imagery here - but the group is going to be in for a huge "huh" moment, especially if they have not been info-dumped by Tressa. I am still getting my head wrapped around the "why an assassin vine" here.
Consider a group who is not keen on allying with the Darklight sister. Would this encounter make any sense to them? I don't think so.
Conclusion:
The heroes end the threat of Leroung’s murder spree, save Tressa Leroung of the Darklight Sisterhood, and return to the Pathfinder Society with much deeper insight into the mystery of Moonhaven and the Moonstone of Groetus, as well as several treasures from ancient Cheliax.
I am not really sure the point of PFS scenarios is to develop the setting, and thus revealing mysteries of the Moonstone might run counter to the goals of the organized play campaign. Either way, the only real info i could see while reading through the scenario was what Tressa volunteered.
Factions:
Factions have varied goals in the adventure, including the recovery of Tressa Leroung, samples of violet fungus, analysis of the magical traps and guardians, priceless relics from ancient Cheliax, and Moonstone remnants.
This is rushed, or cut down way too much. Either way, i think including it hurts you more than it helps you. I really don't get which faction should have which goal, besides the obvious. They are all very... easy. Not very creative, nothing you can not do on the way.