Christine Schneider

[Alex Handley]

This makes my third choice. Once again, I think it's down to a single line; the mind-blade being the extention of Arthelia's hate appealed to me.

Nice touch on the reflavouring of the Elan; I'm all for reflavouring mechanics. Arthelia's also got some potential to bug the PCs; maybe not as the BBEG villain - she deosn't really have enough resources, but certainly as a reoccuring thorn in the PC's sides.

Tactically, she was acceptable; Soulknives are generally a fairly weak class (myself I use the improved version in Untapped Potential), so there's not a lot they can do aside from ways to make full attacks - or as in this case, go for mobility. She lacks much ranged capability (throw mindblade is not too great), which could be a problem against nonstandard party configurations. But I think her superior speed combined with up the walls might well counter that a bit in an urban environment. Entangling Ectoplasm also helps in this regard.

(I can see the party warlock floating smugly above her in a city street, right up until she runs up the wall and then back-flip somersaults past him, smacking him with her mind blade on the way down.)

Keep up the good work.

[The Jade]

Arthelia has one of my votes.

[MetalMaiden]

You've been one of my favorites since the first round. IMHO you are the most creative of all the contestants. I always find my mouth hanging wide open when I read your entries. This is a good thing.

Arthelia is sadistic; she could really mess with your head. I love that she's not just out for blood. She's out to crush people's hopes and taint heroes' reputations. Arthelia has depth. The PC's are sure to gain her attention, since she's out to destroy their kind. You've definitely created conflict.

Also, I don't like psionics and Arthelia is my favorite for this round. Nice work! You have my vote for sure.

[Ku'thalkai]

Arthelia is so creepy it makes me want to hug you. In fact, this is one of my favorites so far. I love the idea of a villain who, when caught, simply backs off and lets the party decide if they can murder a young boy.
She's mean, she's tough, she's spiteful, and she's psychologically scary. This is the kind of villain that you love to hate, and hate to actually have to deal with.

[Kagaes Kagaes]

I think this is a great submission. I can understand that the writing is important but... In some other submissions you can find errors in the stats-section... I think this is much worse than some small faintnesses in the language.
I think what is really important is: First the idea. Second the accurate stats. Of course it entails some work to correct language errors, but what about stats-errors? ;-)

[Wolfgang Baur]

Christine, my sincere apologies for not posting my expected judge's commentary earlier. I was certain I had reviewed and commented on all entries, but obviously I didn't. It was entirely my mistake and oversight.

I realize it's a little late now, but rather than not comment at all, I'd like to offer my belated take on Arthelia:

I think you have an excellent character here who has long-term potential as a villain and a solid backstory. I'm a little unsure how the possessed body would work in play, but I suspect that Arthelia can use her physical form to manipulate the party to her advantage (it's just a harmless boy actor...).

The flavor starts great as well: the Tecumseh quote is apt, and the "Lady of Legends Undone" title is perfect. You have a good ear for lines to hook a reader's interest. That said, I wish you hadn't started with the stat block quite so early; a little more backstory up front would be helpful. Consider the sequence you use to present information; don't start with crunch until you are sure the reader's attention is fully engaged.

I'm not as put off by the language issues as Erik is (none of them seem to require major rework, and certainly the judges have forgiven other contestants similar errors). Yes, it's something you need to watch, but your command of English is very strong to be able to write at this level. Since I have a little fluency in languages other than English, I know just how challenging it is to communicate at a high level this way, and you are to be congratulated for doing so.

Recommended for Top 8.

[Christine Schneider]

Thank you for all the comments so far (even if some had a small delay ;-) ). I keep reading every single one.

...and in case I don't make it here in time: Have a nice Christmas!

[Avianna]

You're entries are always a delight! <3

[Ragwaine]

Notes: Human Elan Psionicist-soul knife. Female trapped in males body attempting to take over completely by destroying that which he loves: Legends. The name made her sound much "bigger" than she is like some type of mythological being that actually rewrites history. So expectations were high. But overall a tight little villain and the tactics had me scarred that she'd wipe the party out without being hit. Not a villainous mastermind for long term campaign. More like a one shot. I like it but now I want to create the "real" Lady of Legends Undone (like one of the Endless from Sandman).

[Clinton Boomer]

Well, Christine, you've officially won-over my household - you're my girlfriend's favorite, my roommate's girlfriend's favorite, and you're certainly getting MY vote, as well.

An absolutely wonderful submission, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

[Laserray]

Usually I can understand what respondents mean when they post on these threads, even if I don't agree; however, I am stupefied by anyone's saying they "don't get it" after reading your entry.

While I don't normally care much for psionics, I could easily use Arthelia as a "foreigner," travelling across my home-brew (in the guise of a young actor, I love that part!) with skills, abilities and motives as an assassin that my players have never seen before, which is really, really wonderful.

Arthelia is a villain par excellence and has my vote!

[Douglas Smith 33]

Right up there with the midwife in terms of someone with an idea that maybe required more research. Or basic research. I'm depressed so my mind got taken over. Now the ubermind wants to destroy legends. Maybe by burning books. Maybe by discrediting old heroes. Puh-lease. I think this cries out for a smoother way that the psion gains control of the host body, and then maybe goes back to a life of assassination - as in a serial assassin, able to hop from body to body....
No vote.

[Ed Zoller 52]

DND is all about mental visuals and I picture only three of the entries. Little old lady knitting rugs with a wall of hands, A nightmare monster as the boss trampling headless horseman style and for some reason this one. I may really like it because I love the 7-12th level range and this one would work for it. As you go up past CR 15 the monsters get too complicated to run. I believe monster entries CR 14+ was the easy way. Bravo for taking the hard way and being one of the few to make a low-mid level villain.

[Ross Byers]

Today is the first chance I've had all week of actually sitting and reading through the villians. Normally I don't like Psionics at all, but the soulknife is one of the better variations. I'm voting for this.

[CastleMike]

Nice job Christine. Arthelia made my top half but I only had 4 votes. She seems popular so I hope to see more of your work in round 4. Good luck.

P.S. I got 4 votes so why is everyone posting about only having 3?

[Monica Marlowe]

ChickieChick wrote:

I would vote for you just because you are a woman, since we are not represented in strong numbers in this competition, but in this round you get my vote for creating an interesting, workable villain, woman or no. Boots of speed? Mind blade for psychic strikes? Excellent. Congrats!

I admit, that played into my voting as well to a very small degree. I love this concept so much. I know there are challenges above and beyond just having good ideas, writing is hard enough for the native speakers, good luck in the polls.

[Andriale]

CONGRATULATIONS, and happy monstering....

[Clark Peterson]

Christine,

Congratulations on making the Top 8 cut. What an accomplishment. To make it past our evil eyes with the Anvil, then past the voters in round 2 with Carnamach, and then again to impress the voters with Arthelia. That is true Superstar stuff--you keep delivering round after round. I am proud of how far you have come in this contest. I'll admit you were an early dark horse for me that I was pulling for. I'm glad to see how well you are doing.

Good luck with the monsters. Keep up the great ideas and the excellent execution of those ideas.

Clark

[Avianna]

As a theatre major you really pulled a heart string when this turned out to be an actor bringing the adventurers down with his awesome acting skills. It was a pleasure reading your country, my number one pick. And this round you were there are well, which is hard for me because I like to give myself a big picture to look at.

You have the talent, and you will go far. I'm rooting for you!

[Threeblood]

CONGRATS! On making it to the final 8. Triple WOWs for 3 excellent submissions thus far. You always seem to be in my top 3 picks for each round. I can't wait to be WOWed again with your monster submission. Good Luck!

[Christine Schneider]

Thanks to all who left their comments, voted or even root for me :-)!
(Special mention to those that didn't vote but left valuable critique...you spent time to make something you don't like better!)

I hope all of you come back to my next submission to check out these monsters of mine.

I had planned to do an add-on to Arthelia with some non-SRD resources that you might want to enhance her with, in case you use her in a more....ummm....book-boosted environment.
Unfortunately all that Christmas stuff, paired with my week long absence before these days, caused an alarming shortage of time at hand. I hope the prolonged "judge"-days will give me the time to remedy that ;-)

...I'd also love to add that missing stuff (due to word count) I had for Carnamach...*forces herself to work on those monsters*...ummm...soon. Promise! :P

[GermanyDM]

Hi Christine,

I'm next door in Frankfurt and, as a native speaker, I'd be glad to proofread your copy before you submit it next. I think you have marvelous ideas and I don't want you to suffer because English can be so counterintuitive. If you need/want help, just write me at jhphetjr(at)yahoo.com. -Jim

[Christine Schneider]

Uhh...

I am sorry, thank you for this generous offer, but I think I have to decline.
Not because I think that I wouldn't find use for some English lessons, but because it would feel like cheating for me. The other contestants don't get that kind of help and if I want to be a superstar and write a module (I do!) I should be able to achieve that on my own.

(Now if that doesn't go a long way to get my dishonored samurai status back I don't know what will...stupid karma :P)

That being said, I'd love to meet new people that play D&D and maybe we could even get together for a game someday. I'll drop you an email :-)

[Oliver von Spreckelsen]

I am from Dietzenbach and I thought this would be prohibited by the rules. I'd have suggested this weeks ago, if this had been an available option.

Go Christine! (waving a little flag for her)

[Tito Leati]

Hi Christine,

As the European guy who has been aching over his non-native English for eight years of writing D&D adventures, you have my support and best wishes.

BTW, I also never had my stuff proofread by a native speaker before submission.

Cheers,

Tito

[Norl Dagdraumur]

Oliver von Spreckelsen wrote:

I am from Dietzenbach [...]

You are from Hamburg .-) ...

Greetings from "Schroeder"

btw Go, Christine!!!

[Oliver von Spreckelsen]

Thou art correct, oh venerable creator of the MikeTysonDeck, my roots definitely lie in Hamburg.

But I have been living in Dietzenbach for over 10 years now. I'd not rule out a return to the "Waterkant" though...