Top ten things if a gamer became President of the U.S. (not a political thread) (Non-U.S.--feel free to insert your own head of state)
10. The Oval Game Room
9. Security at GenCon would be a b~$*+ if the Prez ran a table
8. LARPing on the White House Lawn
7. Someone would write an expose' on the influence and hidden agenda of the nerd lobby
6. White House Press Corps would have to roll up characters if they ever wanted a chance to get picked during the press conferences...'cuz the President only calls you by your character name!!
5. "must not giggle and ask how many ranks they have in sense motive when they ask me if I'm bluffing"
4. Intelligence briefings would have to be boiled down to stat blocks
3. Taxpayers would pick up a subscription to Dungeon and Dragon magazine for every ship, squadron or company in the U.S. military
2. President would get all of his dad's 1st edition buddies into his cabinet ;p
1. Monte Cook would give advice on how to handle a difficult congress
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I don't have 10, but here are a couple of my ideas...
1) Emperor Joshua Norton would be granted the Presidential Medal of Freedom, his grave would be a National Historic Place, a new monitary denomination would be minted: the Norton 8cent piece, and he would also be nominated as National Fish.
2) Federal funding for NPR and PBS would be at an all-time high, with Nova, American Experience, and BBC imports getting a good cash injection. The FCC would MANDATE that Mystery Science Theater 3000 return to Comedy Central.
3) Military spending down, but spending on chimeric parthenogenesis is up, up, up! 'cuz President Gavin wants his gorgimera...
2) Federal funding for NPR and PBS would be at an all-time high, with Nova, American Experience, and BBC imports getting a good cash injection. The FCC would MANDATE that Mystery Science Theater 3000 return to Comedy Central.
I second all of this...though Adult Swim would get a piece of that pie.
And TV's Frank would be reincarnated!
Okay, my addition to the LARPers on the White House lawn:
The hidden military base at Area 51 would become a Shadowrun-style neo-Seattle to run D20 Modern (apocalypse) Larp, WoD, and D&D, full of mechanical Monsters, Dragons (that fire's REAL!) and some really cool costumes.
As to the oval game room:
And the oval game room would be as large as the library of congress, holding paper copies of every RPG product out there, even some of the strange/useless ones. Can you imagine the battle boards/Dwarven Forge maps or super-quality painted minis for the head of state?
/d
10. Would have to settle countless arguments between Secret Service agents about whether or not the MP5 was an exotic weapon or a martial weapon
9. White House Press Corps would coin the phrase "blew your diplomacy roll" when referring to President's foreign policy decisions
8. Oddly dressed persons would wander into the White House at strange hours
7. USMC White House Guards would wear armor along with their swords....
6. Live Dungeon would get free reign at the FBI's Quantico "virtual city" facility
5. Challenge Castro to settle the whole issue over a nice friendly Axis & Allies match....
4. When asked about the Illuminati, the Prez would become strangely quiet
3. Anyone resurrecting the old term "strategery" would get beaten by Bruno, the half-ogre press secretary
2. Instead of going to Camp David for the weekend, the President goes to Lake Geneva.
1. Pork barrel grants for RPG designers!!!
10. Interns get new title....courtesans!!
9. Air Force One would be renamed the "Greyhawk"
8. Cheyenne Mountain renamed "Moria West"
7. Dwarves would get tax exemptions if they list "blacksmith" or "armorer" as profession on their tax returns
6. Dick Cheney would pay a little visit to the producers of any more horrible Dungeons & Dragons movies....toting a shotgun
5. Winner of Iron DM competition flown to White House for dinner and drinks with the President and his gaming group
4. State of the Union address--IN ELVISH!!
3. Would settle countless arguments among Secret Service agents about whether or not the P229 was a "simple" or "martial" weapon
2. Would instruct CIA to make the worst enemies of civilization "incorporeal"
1. Gaming supplies are tax deductible!!!
1.) Members of Congress and the Senate would have to pass the dice test.
2.) Grossly inflated salaries of aforementioned Congress and Senate would instead be redirected towards education.
3.) RPG Themed restaurants would get an official presidential tour. Just to make sure it meets specs.
4.) State dinners would be served by busty lasses and lads with nice butts. They would, of course, be required to carry at least four beer steins at a time.
5.) The White House would officially be renamed to Castle Greyhawk.
6.) Somewhere, there would be a Miskatonic and/or Morgrave University.
7.) The White House movie theater would hold private screenings of essential gamer classics - Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, all the Ray Harryhausen flicks you could want, kung-fu flicks galore...all proceeds go to furthering the sciences involving undersea and space.
8.) Halloween would be very, very interesting at the White House. It would be converted to Castle Ravenloft, and somewhere is Count Strahd von Zarovich...
9.) The Easter Egg hunt would be magnificent. Treasure maps, riddles and puzzles.
10.) Jousting tournaments on the White House lawn. Gladitorial combat on the Senate/House of Reps floor!
:D
10. The gold standard would be reinstated, with gold coins to weigh precisely 1/50th of a pound irregardless of currency denomination.
9. The National Institute of Mental Health is simply re-titled NIMH. Oh wait, it is already ... ooOOoo ...
8. The Cabinet are comprised solely of gamers as are virtually all Presidential appointees and Supreme Court nominees.
7. In the middle of the State of the Union address, the President asks everyone in the auditorium what the " doppleganger password " is ... those who fail the answer are summarily executed by the Secret Service.
6. The Joint Chiefs of Staff likely look at the new President strangely when he asks them about the secret space born weapons platform dubbed " Sauron ".
5. Air Force One is repainted in molten-lava red and dubbed " Smaug ", especially after the belly-mounted flamethrowers are installed for Presidential strafing runs on mobs of anti-gaming protestors.
4. The Seal of the office of the Prez is redesigned to incorporate an Elder Sign.
3. The Navy is tasked to verify that the Deep Ones have not recolonized anywhere in American coastal waters, including the Great Lakes. Hey, you gotta wonder about Lake Michigan ...
2. When addressing the U.N., or any other foreign persons of nominal importance, the Prez himself would go in and give them the " Tombstone Treatment ". [Anyone who doesn't know what the reference is, rent it, watch it and learn.]
1. The CIA is tasked to recover Excalibur (especially the scabbard), the Invulnerable Coat of Arnd, and the full original human set of the Teeth of Dahlvar-Nar. The First GameMaster needs body armor and some kick-ass toys fellas...
10. Would greet political supplicants with "oh no, not another templated creature."
9. Marine One would get a "dragon in flight" paint job.
8. Dice rolling trays installed on the arm rests of chairs in the briefing room on Air Force One
7. Rich Burlew would draw daily OotS cartoons for the Washington Post.
6. Someone would write an op-ed piece criticizing the President for his bi-weekly "gaming" days where nothing else gets done and the president has to settle countless arguments among Secret Service agents about whether or not the ASP does 1d6 points or 1d8 points of non-lethal damage.
5. Presidential limo is great for pizza runs!
4. State dinners would feature jousting, jugglers, sword swallowers and fire breathers as entertainment.
3. Halloween at the White House would scare the crap out of the reporters that covered it.
2. The Thanksgiving Turkey wouldn't just get pardoned--It would get knighted!
1. Congressional fact-finding mission to Transylvania to find the real Castle Ravenloft.
5. Air Force One is repainted in molten-lava red and dubbed " Smaug ", especially after the belly-mounted flamethrowers are installed for Presidential strafing runs on mobs of anti-gaming protestors.
Hah, you and I thought alike, since I said Marine One would get a dragon paint job. I like your idea much better, LOL!!!
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Midgets would be renamed officially as "Halflings".
RL Dwarves would be renamed as Gnomes.
All citizens would be required to own and maintain one ranged and one melee weapon of choice and present it once a year for inspection at their town's Renaissance Faire*.
Convicted murderers, rapists, and child harmers would have the punishment of serving out their sentences in the Arena and required to participate in Gladiatorial combat once a week, which is broadcast on major stations once a week, lethal combat only.
Genetic Scientists would recieve grants to do research in many fields such as cloning dinosaurs and attempting to replicate D&D monsters, through science, to compete in Arena battles.
All towns would be required to build and maintain state-of-the-art Gaming centers with themed rooms available to host games and LARPing (I'm not a LARPer, but wouldn't mind trying it).
Military duty would be mandatory for at least 6 monthes.
The SCA would become a recognized branch of the military.
*Renaissance Faires would be renamed Fantasy Faires and each town of more then 10,000 people would be required to host one. All citizens would be required to attend although costumes would be optional (some people just look bad in costume).
FH
Insert them where?Top ten things if a gamer became President of the U.S. (not a political thread) (Non-U.S.--feel free to insert your own head of state)
Whereever you want, in your response. Didn't want to presume that this thread was limited to U.S. citizens only....
You might say--If the queen was a gamer, this is how it might be in the U.K.....anyway, I was in a weird mood last night when I posted this...I had been studying all evening and needed a brain break.
Battletech pod centers would make a resurgance. (Just make sure they're running MechWarrior IV - cause that was AWESOMENESS defined.)
Military funding would include Gundam/SAMAS/Mech/Big Farkin' Battle Robot Research. (I've had a fond dream of driving a Mad Cat to work. "Fully loaded" has an entirely new meaning when concerning battlemechs.)
1. Fast food institutions start offering sleeping accommidations in their common rooms.
2. Home Depot sells out of 10-foot wooden poles.
3. White House officailly delcares the war in Iraq to be a "Holy Crusade."
4. New law states that "...net trolls are to be burned by fire or acid until dead...."
5. Senate Hearings investigating the Lucus Tapes come to the conclusion that Han shot first.
6. Racial segregation makes a come back. All tall slim pale people are sent to live in the forests of the north west while short stout people are made to move to the Rockies.
7. Ambulance services start taking emergency cases to the nearest church, mosque or temple.
8. EPA bans use of gasoline in cars forcing all horseless carriages to become "horsed."
9. All copies of the Necronomicon are confiscated unter the auspices of the Official Secrets Act.
10. The military industrial complex starts churning out mecha for preposed war on Pluto, the newest member of the Axis of evil, even as unnamed military sources comfirm they have "weapons of mass destruction. No really this time."
Kim Jong-il launchs nukes out of frustration at once again being overlooked by the world at large.
-GGG
Insert them where?Top ten things if a gamer became President of the U.S. (not a political thread) (Non-U.S.--feel free to insert your own head of state)
Assuming that this is a comment on current UK leadership, LOL.
10. Congress opts to pay high-level clerics to cast zone of truth instead of spending millions of gp on guys like Ken Starr.
9. When the Green Party candidate decides to play hardball, he discloses that his rivals have 0 ranks in Knowledge (nature).
8. When antagonistic foreign heads of state comment on the "smell of brimstone" the President of the U.S. leaves behind at the podium of the UN General Assembly, people actually believe they might have mistakenly elected a tiefling to the White House.
7. The president hires dorky lute-strumming half-elves to sing his praises on shows like "American Idol." His approval ratings skyrocket to 85%.
6. Instead of locking terrorists up at Gitmo, the military takes them to its new Special Transmutation Warfare Center (STWC) at Quinault, WA, for the old baleful polymorph treatment and permanent incarceration--in a terrarium. President shrugs off "human rights violations" accusations from Amnesty International and UN investigators by pointing out that the prisoners are no longer human.
5. White House press secretary uses [i]dominate person[i] to ensure that the press corps only asks friendly questions. (A nice job opening for Count Von Strahd when the CIA locates him in the misty fastnesses of Transylvania County, KY).
4. Congressional hearings to confirm Supreme Court justices focus on their Wisdom scores and ranks in Sense Motive and Knowledge (Law), instead of their position on Roe v. Wade.
3. President, listening to lobbyists from the NAA (National Archery Association) mandates that all adult males must master the use of the longbow so that the nation will be militarily prepared in the event of an invasion by the Axis of Evil (or the Evil of Texas, or whatever them enemies was). Archery butts spring up in city parks and village greens around the country, but the move backfires as rural areas become infested with bow-wielding bandits dressed in green who waylay drivers of Hummers, Lexuses, and BMWs, slash their tires, confiscate their cell phones and credit cards, and force them to walk to the next town.
2. President appoints a commission of high level druids to study the global warming problem.
1. Constitution amended to require that a person must have played GDQ1-7 as both PC and DM to be eligible for the presidency.
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10. White House becomes White Castle.
9. Oval Office becomes Polyhedron Room.
8. Lincoln Bedroom becomes Mordenkainen Bedroom.
7. Presidential debates now conducted with sword, axe or mace-and-chain.
6. Congressional funding for WOTC to perform World of Greyhawk renovations.
5. New York renamed Waterdeep.
4. The Supreme Court disbanded; replaced by the Supreme D20.
3. Gary Gygax named Secretary of State.
2. The new national bird becomes the roc.
1. Heretofore all wars decided on line in MMORPG form.
The Koga just has a disturbing image of our two party system becoming a nine party system (renamed "alingments") and each sporting the symbol of the assumed diety like neutral good=Pelor, lawful neutral=Bacob, etc.
1. Rules lawyers appointed to the Supreme Court (a descision the Prez later regrets)
2. First Lady? Prez has never been on a date (online dates don't count)
3. Speech writers must crank out one module per month
4. Military funding to the general whose army has the best paint job
5. FEMA runs scenarios for Gith invasion and great red wyrm attack (Prez as he's carted off to Astral plane slave pit: "You're doing a heck of a job Brownie")
6. Vice-President Cthulhu...
7. Statute of Limitations of how soon a new edition can be released set at 12 years
8. Protesters from the midwest march to release Washington from the grips of "the occult"
9. Lorraine Williams indicted on counts of treason and sedition (whose your social inferior now?)
10. Gary Gygax on the $10 bill (who even remembers what Hamilton did anyway?)
The Koga just has a disturbing image of our two party system becoming a nine party system (renamed "alingments") and each sporting the symbol of the assumed diety like neutral good=Pelor, lawful neutral=Bacob, etc.
Egads! We already have the Blood War going on and it's only a midterm election year.
Campaign ads:
"As district attorney, Mr. Asmodeus took campaign donations from a convicted felon. He shrugged it off, stating that it was only natural, since everyone in the 9th district of Hell is a convicted felon."
"In his last term, Senator Orcus voted to raise the Death Tax. Senator Orcus showed he doesn't care about the interests of ordinary middle class fiends."
5. FEMA runs scenarios for Gith invasion and great red wyrm attack (Prez as he's carted off to Astral plane slave pit: "You're doing a heck of a job Brownie")
LOL
6. Vice-President Cthulhu...
Hmmmmm. Bald domed skull? Tentacles hidden inside jowly human mask? Unexplained campaign donations from mystery trustees at Miskatonic University? This explains much . . .
10. President's favorite quote at press conference: "Sorry, I have energy resistance 20 to implied wrongdoing"
9. President was overheard asking his political advisor upon winning election "So, is this job a prestige class?"
8. Wednesdays are "paintball duel" days on the south lawn to settle disputes
7. The president starts every war with "roll initiative, motherf~~~ers!!"
6. Changes name of DC Police Force to Capital City Watch.
5. Silently wonders if he ordered his longsword wielding secret service agent to chop off Helen Thomas' arm that the arm would crawl back and reattach itself? (apologies, that's tacky)
4. Orders DOD architects to design buildings to accomodate perfect 5' squares
3. Appears at State dinner wearing ceremonial plate armor.
2. Makes advisors nervous during Security Council meetings by rolling a d12 whenever a decision needs to be made.
1. Constantly settling arguments between Secret Service Agents about whether or not OC spray is a ranged touch weapon.
10. FBI establishes a special department tasked with prosecuting munchkins
9. Constitutional amendment outlaws burning of D&D rulebooks
8. Congress debates controversial plan for warrantless wiretapping of anyone who advocates the crime of burning D&D rulebooks
7. Prez. hires James Jacobs to chair his re-election campaign
6. James Jacobs successfully engineers re-election with a brilliant set of attack ads implying that the opposition candidate is a polymorphed succubus with ties to Demogorgon, Kyuss, and Lolth
5. Monte Cook appointed to new cabinet-level position in charge of dungeon design (in case the UN votes unanimously to censure the Army's secret transmutation project and we have to use "old-fashioned" methods of detaining terrorist suspects)
4. Washington press corps has a feeding frenzy when it is revealed that the Prez has been communicating secretly with a mysterious advisor known only as "Uncle"
3. An unknown White House source leaks Uncle's identity, and the Prez. promises to "get to the bottom of this breach of national security."
2. President invited to ribbon-cutting ceremony at the brand new Roleplaying Hall of Fame in Lake Geneva Wisconsin. Scandal ensues when National Enquirer publishes photos of post-ceremony LARP session in which Prez. is captured by whip-wielding Ecdrava look-alike and forced to strip down to his loincloth.
1. Miss America pageant features chainmail bikini contest for the first time!
4. Washington press corps has a feeding frenzy when it is revealed that the Prez has been communicating secretly with a mysterious advisor known only as "Uncle"
2. President invited to ribbon-cutting ceremony at the brand new Roleplaying Hall of Fame in Lake Geneva Wisconsin. Scandal ensues when National Enquirer publishes photos of post-ceremony LARP session in which Prez. is captured by whip-wielding Ecdrava look-alike and forced to strip down to his loincloth.
1. Miss America pageant features chainmail bikini contest for the first time!
I like your thought processes, LOL!!!
NASA is immediately disbanded. All future efforts to travel to Mars will via Spelljamming.
NASA is immediately disbanded. All future efforts to travel to Mars will via Spelljamming.
Hellz yeah.
NASA would henceforth be known as the National Association of Spelljamming Artificers and would be as the FAA is to airplanes.|
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NASA is immediately disbanded. All future efforts to travel to Mars will via Spelljamming.Hellz yeah.
NASA would henceforth be known as the National Association of Spelljamming Artificers and would be as the FAA is to airplanes.
Hellz yeah? What's this hellz yeah? You don't talk like that.
Where do you learn this Hellz yeah?
Hellz yeah.Hellz yeah? What's this hellz yeah? You don't talk like that.
Where do you learn this Hellz yeah?
:P LOL!
It happens when I get overly excited about something and "Gee golly, that's neat" just doesn't cut it. :D
Okay, I guess I should have labelled this thread "If a gamer became president and all the magic in D&D was real."
:)
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Hellz yeah.Hellz yeah? What's this hellz yeah? You don't talk like that.
Where do you learn this Hellz yeah?:P LOL!
It happens when I get overly excited about something and "Gee golly, that's neat" just doesn't cut it. :D
I wa just jokin' on 40 y.o. Virgin; this little kid said some crazy stuff, and his dad started bawling him out for talking street.
Director of Sales
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10) People can go to ITT Tech for an Associates Degree in pickpocketing, breaking and entering, petty, or grand larceny, as “Rogue” becomes a legitimate profession.
9) The political frappe over “Illithid-Gate” enjoys about six minutes of public discourse before disappearing forever. No one asks about the tall gentleman always standing behind the President at public appearances.
8) The Seattle Space Needle is replaced with an Arcology. No one seems to notice.
7) News Corp. changes its name to Pentex.
6) Matt Groening is canonized.
5) Jack Chick discovers latent magical aptitudes and promptly reverses his stance on D&D.
4) Aspects of Jesus Christ, Vishnu, and Heironeous go on a World Tour and routinely kick the snot out of the Aspects of Gruumsh, Erythnul and Satan in televised WCW three-on-three Cage Matches. Religions the world over note an all time high in attendance.
3) The President convinces Congress that the leaders of Iran are trying to bring Kyuss onto our plane. He promises that his CIA scrying experts have evidence, but that he cannot actually show any of this evidence because of “Realm Security”. The top 55 most wanted Iranian leaders are made into an expansion for Magic: the Gathering and distributed to US soldiers. (Ahmadinejad is totally broken and banned from Type II play)
2) Dunkelzahn for President.
1) Dungeon Magazine and Dragon Magazine displace Ethan Frome in the secondary English core curriculum. As they should.
Everybody repainting AirForce one and such have neglected the awesome airbrush classic of the Frank Frazetta inspired barbarian, holding his scimitar aloft whilst a scantily clad barbarian lady grasps his leg, staring longingly at his loincloth. If this were 1976 and I had a van...okay, let's be honest, if I had a van PERIOD that's totally what I would airbrush on the side. Get the Zep playing, the shag carpeting, the strobe: makeout city. I would call it "The Second Base Mobile".
If this were 1976 and I had a van...okay, let's be honest, if I had a van PERIOD that's totally what I would airbrush on the side. Get the Zep playing, the shag carpeting, the strobe: makeout city. I would call it "The Second Base Mobile".
That's what I called my tricycle. I was a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy.
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If this were 1976 and I had a van...okay, let's be honest, if I had a van PERIOD that's totally what I would airbrush on the side. Get the Zep playing, the shag carpeting, the strobe: makeout city. I would call it "The Second Base Mobile".That's what I called my tricycle. I was a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy.
It had an 8 track player. He used to play Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
That's what I called my tricycle. I was a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy.
It had an 8 track player. He used to play Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
I always thought that Paradise was like another Stairway To Heaven type song in that for many years it was almost a right of passage... for girls. Great song, but not one that shaped my young summers, you know?
Woah, shoot. I guess you're right. What do I know anyway?
(Dee dee dee yummyfootyumyumyum)
Oh no, I wasn't ragging it all. Truly great song. I just remember that song always being almost holy with girls. They sang it in packs.
Hands in the air... "DASS MY CHIT!" all that...
That was just my mileage, yours is very welcome to vary, my friend. ;)
You've got to do what you can and let Mother Nature do the rest...
Had her. Oh, those thorns!!!
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Woah, shoot. I guess you're right. What do I know anyway?
(Dee dee dee yummyfootyumyumyum)Oh no, I wasn't ragging it all. Truly great song. I just remember that song always being almost holy with girls. They sang it in packs.
Hands in the air... "DASS MY CHIT!" all that...
That was just my mileage, yours is very welcome to vary, my friend. ;)
Cool.
Heathansson(The Jade for PREZ in 2008)
Oh dont be modest the Jade, I'm sure you can handle more than a little prick.Had her. Oh, those thorns!!!
You've got to do what you can and let Mother Nature do the rest...
Lol.
Answer #1.
So you know about my two handed autoerotic technique, eh? Yes, it's true... I bought a hospital traction kit to attach to my bed for better leverage when dealing with that ungainly monster. Doc says I wouldn't feel the need to work myself over so often if I had been hugged more as a child. Aw.
Answer #2.
I dearly hope to never have to find out. Now THERE'S an unexpected turn of events during what was supposed to be a simple camping trip.
I do got a pretty mouth.
I remember reading about your exploits in Penthouse Forum.
Something about Mother Nature and her "shambling mound".
I might have got lost down there had I not brought my trusty bushwacker. Carved up the area to look like a proper topiary of a bearded clam I did. I'm like the Edward Scissorhands of porn cuts really. Come see me at Astor Palace in NYC, I'll give you a freebie. Whaddya want? The Mr. T? The Li'l Hitler? Heart-shaped and dyed red to surprise your wife on Valentines Day? I'm working on one now called the Captain Sparrow... ARRguably the hottest look to come along in ages (if you don't mind me weaving beads and feathers into the braids, that is)
"The SCA would become a recognized branch of the military"
I should hope not, these guys are a bunch padded sword wielding wussies.
Now, Those of us who train with steel are a different matter completely...sca- pooie!
on a side note, I recall hearing somewhere that George W. did play d&d in college