One that was just rejected *weepeth*
Dungeon Adventure Query
By Nick Thorburn
Working Title: Hail to the Lizardking
Party Level: Low (1st – 4th)
Setting: Faerun, The Western Heartlands, Rural Forest
Maps: The Western Heartlands, Town of Dandyline and Loch Aboleth, Hidden Caverns
Length: 10000 words.
Plot Synopsis: The dam at Loch Aboleth has mysteriously burst. Rushing south, the escaping water has cut eight new furrows through the land. As the folk of Dandyline (the settlement nearest the Loch) commence the repairs a number of disturbing rumours begin to filter into the village: strange underwater creatures have been sighted in these various new streams. More horrifying still are the whispers which speak of people being quickly and mysteriously pulled into the water. Their bodies are never found.
Now as the frequency of these occurrences increases, roaming bands of locals converge on Dandyline in attempt to uncover the mystery…
The Location: The small village of Dandyline is situated deep within the Western Heartlands. Found north of the Boareskyr Bridge, along the southern edges of the Serpent Hills, the settlement lies high in the hills, beside a lake, Loch Aboleth (part of the Serpent’s Tail Stream). This deep expanse of water has been girded by a dam on the south side as it runs toward Soubar and the Troll Claw.
Adventure Background: An escaped “tzarkandi”, a half-illithid lizardman, named Sleevar has stumbled upon Loch Aboleth. Clawing his away through the murky depths there, he discovered an ancient and forgotten temple dedicated to a yuan-ti God. Dominating the various lizardmen, troglodytes, and locathah he encountered in the area, Sleevar grew in both power and confidence. His mistaken and mad deciphering of the hieroglyphs on the walls led him to sabotage the dam in strange tribute to the God depicted in the temple.
Adventure Hooks: The migrations of a barbarian tribe have been disrupted by the creation of the new rivers. The halls of a dwarven mining compound have been flooded. The self-important queen of Greenfields, Darvat Scatterheart, has sent a halfling spy to see exactly what’s going on in the lands north of her “kingdom”. Two elven prodigies have been kidnapped from their home deep in the woods.
The Story: As more folk trickle into Dandyline, the more angry people become. The desperate mayor has posted a notice for a group of adventurers to come forward to deal with the situation. These are the PC’s. Of course they all will have met the previous evening in a tavern brawl (this is an introductory game after all). They have two days, the mayor says, to find the source of the problem, otherwise the village will likely tear itself apart. He offers them 1000 gp each to do this.
During the first night several people are carried off silently. Tracks of webbed feet lead off into the Loch. The problem, obviously, must be under the water. Knowledge local, gather information (etc) checks can be made to learn about Captain Meno and his submarine. He can be found docked on the far side of the Loch (the woods surrounding the Loch contain two level 1 encounters with a lacedon (aquatic ghoul), and 1d3 gnoll barbarians).
The lake gained its name by various legends which suggested it was haunted by an ancient aboleth. In truth this “aboleth” turned out to be no more than a highly experimental Gnomish submarine merely fashioned into the guise of a sea monster. Its creator, Meno, can take them on a trip under the water to explore the darker depths of the Loch.
Event 1: As the PCs and Meno row out to his Submarine in the centre of the Loch they are attacked by a terlen (CR 2 Fiend Folio).
On board the submarine the PC’s must help maintain the craft (via concentration, disable device and Intelligence checks) as it goes deeper and deeper. Eventually they surface in an underground cave system.
Event 2: The cave stinks and its obvious why: Lorlor the Creator (CR 2 troglodyte) is busy dismembering and cooking a series of corpses. The PC’s witness four robed creatures (each wearing a strange octopus-like face-mask), carry a large bowl of Lorlor’s soup through a hole in the back of the cave which leads to a series of tunnels. Lorlor carries a maggot harvester (Book of Vile Darkness) and is guarded by two locathah (the kidnappers).
The caves are heavily overgrown with fungi and mould but eventually break off into more recognizably crafted tunnels. More encounters, this time with violet fungi and lizardmen soldiers occur as the PC’s explore.
Event 3: Eventually they come to a wide open cavern within which stands a mighty Aztec-like temple. At the front of the steps to this temple are eight stone pillars. A large one-armed tren (CR 3 ranger Serpent Kingdoms) named Jingar the Worn stands on top of one. Using a mighty composite longbow +1, he shoots at the PC’s. He carries three arrows of sleep and targets the casters first. He stays on top of the pillars, jumping from one to the other to avoid melee. The PC’s have to either kill him via ranged attacks or by knocking down the pillars.
After slaying Jingar, the temple is open to them to explore. Within it are CR 1 lizardmen clerics wearing the same masks as in Event 1. A series of low level traps hinder progress, but eventually they arrive at an immense antechamber where Sleevar (CR 3 Fiend Folio – his mind powers have never truly become powerful) resides. He has become fat with power (Obese feat), and sits atop a palanquin held aloft by four lizardmen warriors. Behind him are two blindfolded and shackled elven women wearing similar masks as seen before. One is a level 3 cleric, the other a level 2 sorcerer. Sleevar uses these to protect and attack for him via his domination powers. The lizardmen warriors can attack though take a penalty to hold aloft the fat form of their master. Sleevar carries a fang bead (Serpent Kingdoms) and a +1 trident of vipers (a trident whose points end in viper heads. It deals 3d3 damage instead of the standard 1d8 and inflicts a 1d4 initial Con damage poison) amongst other minor items (such as ring of protection and cloak of resistance).
Neeklus,
Did they tell you why your query was rejected?
The part of the query I didn't like was captain Memo and the submarine (had you called him something else than Nemo, oops Memo it would have been fine), I do like that you included several skill checks for using the submarine.
"Unfortunately, we are not going be able to use this proposal."
Was all I got. I personally thought the obvious Nemo reference would elevate the interest, heh.
Here's my most recent rejection, if anybody is interested in providing feedback. I was told it had too many similarities to something already in the works. I wanted to use a creature I consider "iconic" to D&D without using a dragon. Mind Flayers had just recently appeared in the Age of Worms Adventure Path, so I went with a beholder.
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The Eye of Divinity
A tribe of goblinoids in the nearby hills has significantly increased its recent activity. Raids on farms, villages, and caravans are on the rise. Several groups have attempted to put an end to the rampaging goblins, but none have returned. The leaders of area villages and towns are desperate to find a group of champions to bring an end to the rein of terror. Everybody is dangerously unaware of the goblinoids’ new ally, though – a beholder the goblins believe to be a god sent to protect them. Can the PCs defeat this false god and thwart the goblinoid threat before civilization in the area is destroyed?
Plot: The PCs travel to the goblin den, seeking to eradicate the goblin horde. Throughout the cave complex they find clues – such as exquisitely carved statues and vertical shafts – that hint at the presence of a beholder. The group of heroes fights their way through the goblins, hobgoblins, bugbears, and their pets.
In the room that connects the goblin lair with the beholder lair, the PCs must make a dangerous climb down a 200 foot deep shaft. This shaft leads to the beholder’s demesne. Numerous side tunnels give the beholder a tactical advantage as the characters make their way deeper into the complex. Finally, the PCs defeat the beholder, allowing peace and prosperity to return to the land.
Background Information: The beholder Xyrimixis despises humans, even more than others of his kind. His hive mother intends to leverage this hatred, sending him out to clear a remote area for a new nest. The wily aberration has concocted a devious plan to bring fear and chaos to nearby human settlements. He convinced a band of goblinoids that he is a divine power; leveraging this lie masterfully, he ordered the pitiful creatures to perform his bidding on the surface. This includes simple raids, kidnappings, theft of crops and livestock, and murder.
When a lowly goblin named Vrikli gained the ability to cast divine spells, even Xyrimixis was convinced of his divine abilities. In truth, The Great Mother, the beholder god, was amused by the lowly goblin’s prayers to the beholder, and granted him access to divine spells and powers.
Drunk on the power he believes he wields, Xyrimixis has altered his plans. Now, rather than clearing out the region to allow his hive mother to construct a new nest, he instead seeks to subjugate the surrounding area as his own realm. Soon, he will reveal himself to the mere mortals who dare live in his land and present them with an ultimatum – serve him as a slave, or die.
Important Foes: Xyrimixis the beholder is likely the most dangerous foe the PCs face in this adventure, especially with the terrain working so strongly in his favor. The beholder has placed numerous traps through the tunnels that rely upon pressure plates to activate; this allows him to float unharmed while pursuing PCs are likely to trigger one or more of these traps.
The goblinoids are lead by a council consisting of three dangerous foes. The first is a bugbear barbarian 2/rogue 8; the second is a hobgoblin fighter 11. The final member of the council is the newest – Vrikli, a 9th level goblin cleric of The Great Mother. The bugbear and hobgoblin were reticent to allow the upstart goblin cleric to join the ruling council, but Xyrimixis demanded it.
Vrikli has used his divine powers to aid the tribe in defending their home. First, he has cast animate dead on the corpses of fallen foes to generate zombie guards. Next, Vrikli has protected the entryway to the lair with a symbol of pain spell, set to trigger whenever a non-goblinoid passes through the cave entrance. A symbol of sleep is also on the entryway to the cave; while this spell is unlikely to affect the PCs, it may affect familiars, animal companions, or cohorts.
Several dozen goblins, hobgoblins, and bugbears of lesser levels live in the complex. In many instances, the mob rules presented in the DMG2 will be used to present the PCs with a more level appropriate challenge. Each goblinoid mob is an EL 8 encounter.
The tribe has several worgs they use as guardians and mounts. In addition, one of the hobgoblins has a trained dire weasel as a pet.
Finally, the goblins utilize a nearby pit inhabited by a pair of carrion crawlers (EL 8) as their garbage disposal system.
Rewards: All creatures possess appropriate equipment for their level. Several useful magic items also exist as treasure, allowing Xyrimixis to make full use of his shatter eye ray on PC weapons.
PCs who successfully defeat the goblinoid threat stand to earn a significant reward from the leaders of nearby communities. This reward consists of physical items such as cash and gems, as well as promised services from prominent members of the community, such as the local blacksmith or tanner.
Finally, numerous statues throughout the complex are townsfolk and lower level adventurers turned to stone by Xyrimixis’s eye ray. Should the PCs return these statues to life, they’ll be declared local heroes. As long as they remain within the area, local merchants give them steep discounts, including free rooms at inns.
Estimates: The Eye of Divinity will be designed for 12th level PCs, and will require 12,500 words to write. Two maps are required to detail the goblinoid caves, and one map will be necessary to depict Xyrimixis’s tunnel lair. The article will include a short sidebar providing information about the deity The Great Mother as presented in Lords of Madness, as well as any other information used from Lords of Madness to customize Xyrimixis.
A beholder adventure of my own was recently rejected.
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Well, I finally get to post a query on this page. Twas' my first one, and I'm hoping you folks can give me some feedback, just in case there's a critical flaw inherent to my proposals ;) (I have 3-4 more brewing in my skull and I'm hoping I'll be a bit less gun-shy after I post this and all).
Working Title: The Strangler’s Trail
Length: 8,500-9,500 words; 3 half-sized maps
Character Level: 6th
Key Points:
- Small town / marsh terrain adventure for 6th level characters
-A town’s thirst for revenge produces an undead nightmare from the recently returned town pariah.
-Nocturnal kidnappings and murders occur in the following days and are attributed to the monstrosity. The pariah’s son is housed by each of the victims only a few days before they disappear.
-These crimes are the ultimate work of a sinister aberration, which utilizes its power over the catatonic teenager to transform the village into an undead stockyard.
-Characters with Track, Heal, or Knowledge (dungeoneering) may be able to deduce the real villain’s identity before the final kidnapping
The hamlet of Avendon once served as rest stop and waypoint along a well-traversed highway connecting two great nations. But, neglect and internal conflict have left the Tradeway and once prosperous Avendon all but forgotten on the banks of the ever-growing marshland, Obad-Hai’s Basin. In the two hundred years since its founding, Avendon has descended into subsistence farming, its meager and muddy streets filled with echoes of desperate struggle against the town’s inevitable decay.
The only notable event, of late, was the death of Avendon’s priest, who was strangled by the town’s potter, Deliath Blackmoss, as he burgled the parish moneybox. Now, three years after this crime, Deliath “Blackfingers,” has returned to his old haunt, only to be captured by bounty hunters in the act of murdering his mother-in-law before the eyes of his teenage son.
The party, brought to Avendon either in their own pursuit of Blackfingers’ bounty or some other happenstance, arrives in the evening to find him hanged by the sextet of hunters who sought Deliath’s live bounty, but had been forced to hang him by a vengeful mob. The party is offered free lodging, for Avendon sees few travelers with any wealth, and the Tradeway is hardly a route to traverse at night.
The night falls with the hunters encamped in town square, keeping watch over their swinging prize, accompanied by the killer’s son, Dorian. The early morning brings alarm and fear, as a villager is slain by one hunter as the others continue their vigil beside the empty gallows, their heads lolling on broken necks. Two sets of prints, one birthed by the boots of the late Blackfingers, give mute evidence to Dorian’s kidnapping by his father, and their departure into the fog-shrouded Basin.
Keen minds may notice the evidence indicates Blackfingers’ return as a morhg, and may conclude that he seeks to finish his last intended murder. The concerned villagers are soon relieved, however, for Dorian is found, possibly by the party, sitting in a dinghy at the town’s waterside as the sun clears the fog. He is physically unharmed, but catatonic.
Unbeknownst to the party, the morhg’s flight through the swamps was aborted by an encounter with a rot reaver druid, self-titled “The Swamp Hermit,” as it sought to establish a lair within the Basin. Known for its powers over the undead and hunger for their flesh, the rot reaver made short work of Blackfingers and had sought to transform the boy into his undead chattel. However, Dorian, his mind shattered by the days’ events (including the burdens of his father’s sins) saw the monster as his savior and guardian, and his apparent joy and devotion halted the rot reaver’s hand. Now, the Swamp Hermit has returned Dorian to the village to aid his access to Avendon’s populace, whom the rot reaver desires as his private army and larder.
The boy is taken in by one of Avendon’s families, but the whereabouts of Blackfingers remains unknown; the party is begged to remain until his discovery –the morhg’s skeletal frame can be found in the Hermit’s lair. The village’s doors are bolted against the killer’ return, but every three nights, the town will be visited by the aberration. His minion secretly marks his residence with a lit candle and unbolts the door at the reaver’s arrival, allowing for the swift and quiet kidnapping of the family. Without the party’s intervention, this pattern continues as Dorian’s catatonia and the village’s guilt at his former treatment supply him a new family of victims every three nights. Each morning following an attack, Dorian is found, shivering and silent at the foot of the gallows.
Depending on the party’s actions, Dorian may be prevented from lighting the signal, causing the Hermit to rage and break into the nearest home, raising alarm. Alternatively, Dorian’s third set of guardians spot the boy’s actions, and interrupt his unbolting of their home—the reaver will attack conspicuously, escaping with its deranged servitor in tow.
The party can pursue the creature through the swamps; its haste, the clear night, and/or the telltale droplets of candle wax (held by Dorian) will enhance their ability to follow its tracks. Although likely slowed by the creature’s zombie crocodile minions and a hungry swamp strider swarm, the party should easily locate its lair, a half-submerged and hollowed remnant of a fallen grand oak, wherein the villain, its augmented zombie minions, and other swamp terrors await a final confrontation. The party has succeeded when they put an end to the Swamp Hermit’s predations, his death bringing a full catatonic state to Dorian Blackmoss. It is not required for the party to identify the boy’s hand in these matters- he is not an innocent victim, but he is a product of his life’s tragedies and a shattered psyche.
If the party does not follow the reaver to its lair, its nightly assaults will continue, albeit without their original subtlety. Without aid, Avendon will fall.
Major Foes: zombies, bloodthirsty (Libris Mortis) zombies, boneleaf (Heroes of Horror), advanced rot reaver druid 1
Rewards: Two +1 cleavers, 1150 gp, +1 slick leather armor, wand of find traps {15 chgs}, 750 gp for proof of Blackfinger’s death
Reply
Unfortunately, we are not going be able to use this proposal
Share your thoughts, please.
"Unfortunately, we are not going be able to use this proposal."
Was all I got. I personally thought the obvious Nemo reference would elevate the interest, heh.
I wrote to Dungeon with three proposals when it was a single issue old. One thing I realized quite quickly was that Dungeon was not a fan of overly obvious satire. I'd imagine their rationale for shying away from Frangenstone's Monster (about a flesh golem) or The Witches of Westwick, or Captain Memo and his ship the Notalotofus is that such camp gets in the way of a good story's ability to suspend the audience's disbelief, which is critical for any fiction let alone fantasy fiction. Obvious satire announces itself and makes you think of stories and storytelling rather than digesting the information viscerally.
Perhaps when borrowing certain aspects from famous literature, take only the best parts and encode them so as to make them your own. There's a tipping point and Memo seems over it, as would a captain of a sub who wants to disarm the world... but anything else, anything, goes.
Here's a rejection of mine. Yes, it was a very blunt appeal to nostalgia and Greyhawk. I make no excuses for that. I was hoping for a "mission impossible" feel of a mission behind the "silk curtain" of the Lendore Islands, while throwing globs and globs of nostalgia to appeal to the crusty old Greyhawkers. Oh well...pick away. I shall emerge stronger, thank you!!
Return to Restenford (Adventure Submission Query)
Love, Hate and Assassins in the Spindrifts…
“Return to Restenford” is a Greyhawk D&D 3.5 adventure for four 14th level characters. The characters return to the setting of 1st edition AD&D classic and beloved modules L1 “The Secret of Bone Hill” and L2 “The Assassins’ Knot” on Spindrift Island to rescue the late Baron Grellus’ 38 year old daughter Andrella and her bastard half-elven love child from the clutches of the Garrotten Assassin’s Guild, which has managed to not only resurrect itself, but actually thrive since the elves drove out all non-elven residents. The adventure features a covert mission into protected elven lands and a secret investigation into the fate of Andrella. Finding her reveals a dark underside of elven intrigue and a battle against the assembled dark elements of the elves of the Spindrifts, who have clustered and allied under the reborn banner of the Garrotten Assassin’s Guild. The PCs skirmish with the assassins while gathering clues about Andrella’s location. This is complicated by the hostile local government who is repressive against non-elves and the mono-racial nature of the environment, which makes it more difficult for non-elves to operate openly.
Backstory
After Baron Grellor’s assassination by the Garrotten Assassin’s Guild in CY 576, Baroness Fairwind ruled for a few years before being evicted by the clerics of Sehanine. Her then 20 year old daughter Andrella had an affair with an elven noble named Cenevir, heir to the protectorship of Spindrift Island within the Sehanine order. Andrella and Cenevir had a son named Kerendor. Andrella had hoped Cenevir would take their son in, but the half-elf bastard was not welcomed by Cenevir’s father, Protector Asanor (cleric 14 of Sehanine).
Andrella went into exile, heartbroken. Cenevir fell victim to a loveless arranged marriage engineered by his father and started his studies as a cleric of Sehanine to take over when his father retired or died. His love letters to Andrella were sent by merchant courier to Ountsy, where Fairwind tore them up before Andrella could get them.
Two weeks ago, a messenger found Andrella and delivered a message to her personally. “Cenevir wants you to come to Lo Reltarma.” She left with her 18 year old son in the middle of night, before Fairwind could stop her.
Unfortunately, the messenger was sent by the Garrotten Assassins’ Guild, not Cenevir. The guild saw a unique opportunity when they found out Cenevir had a bastard son—kidnap and indoctrinate the child, assassinate Cenevir, install the bastard and become de-facto rulers of the Spindrift protectorate.
Andrella arrived via smuggling vessel and was captured and secreted away in Garrotten.
PC’s get involved
Fairwind, a formidable woman of 64 years of age (Cleric 7 of Pholtus), hires the PC’s to find her daughter and grandson and return them home. Her divine spells have revealed nothing, but she has intuited that her daughter has gone after her heart’s desire, returning to the Lendore Isles to reunite with Cenevir. Fairwind has connections to elven smugglers who can get the PCs on to the island. She’s hoping the PCs formidable skills will allow them to search the island and return her daughter without running afoul of the elven government. The PCs are forewarned that they should not use deadly force against the elves, for if captured, they would probably be spared the noose if no elves were killed.
The Bad Guys
The Garrotten Assassin’s Guild was dispersed by adventurers 20 years ago after Baron Grellus’ assassination. Their reputation lingered and attracted many discontent elves living on the islands, those with evil and ruthless dispositions. They have turned Garrotten back into what it once was—an assassin’s haven, albeit disguised as a fair an rustic elven village. Their leader is a sworn enemy of High Priest Silverbrow, Sybyren Angrad (male elf rogue 4/cleric 4 of Erevan Ilesere/assassin 10). He controls Garrotten with a very well cloaked iron fist, has infiltrated and corrupted the local church of Sehanine and has several dozen followers operating out of their magically cloaked stronghold underneath Garrotten Castle.
Adventure Progression
The Elven Fog
• Ocean battle—ambush by assassin manned ship in the fog surrounding the islands.
• Ship disguised as Sehanine patrol vessel
• Alerted by a spy in Fairwind’s household
Landfall
• Avoiding detection from the assassin’s guild magical sensors
• Avoiding detection from the Sehanine rangers
• Encounter human hide-out hermit who may provide clues to Andrella’s fate
Gathering Clues
• Covert investigation in Restenford and/or Garrotten
• Assassin ambushes and counter attacks
• Avoiding the Sehanine church informants, spies and rangers
• Some clues in the wilderness—Andrellas’ lady-in-waiting was not captured and is hiding out with human resistance fighters in the woods around Restenford—can provide valuable clues about who ambushed them
Grab some of these cheesedicks and make them talk
• Learn of assassin’s guild member who is dining in a Restenford Inn with his crew of retainers
• Tempt PCs into ambushing the group and grabbing the guild member
• Interrogation and learn location of guild HQ entrance
Assault on the Assassins’ Guild to free Andrella and her son
• Magically shielded lair under Castle Garrotten
• Protected by traps and gargoyle rogues
• Problem—Andrellas’ son is a willing pawn of the assassins, as he hates his father for allowing his mother and grand-mother to be forced into exile and wants to go along with their plot
The Cleanup
• Sehanine clerics want to imprison PCs, stating it was not their place to take out the guild
• Cenevir will help the PCs if they freed Andrella and kept his son alive, no reward, but no imprisonment and free passage off island
• Fairwind rewards PCs with cash and/or a fine elven-built fast merchant ship if Andrellas returns home
• Fairwind rewards the PCs with her estate and a ship and will retire to her sister’s home in Rel Astra if Andrella stayed in the Spindrifts
Here is one of mine that just got axed by the Gatekeeper.
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It wasn't the most polished query, as it was mainly a product of my being bored on at 4am on a night off (I work graves) and having just read some comics with time travel elements. I wrote and fired it off to the Gatekeeper within a couple of hours, which probably wasn't the best decision.
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"The Horror Out of Time"
General Information: This high-level adventure is designed for 4 16th level PCs. It is designed to be usable in any campaign setting, requiring only a major coastal city frequented by the PCs. Since the adventure doesn’t take up any “real” time, it should be able to be slotted into an existing campaign very easily, especially if the PCs need to “level up” before the DM’s next planned adventure.
Adventure Hooks: The party could be either visiting the port city, or perhaps it is their base of operations. Or a High Priest of a good Deity, who has had troubling prophetic dreams of woe involving the heroes, could have summoned the PCs to the city.
Plot: Sakhreith, an Aboleth Wizard 5/Savant Aboleth 5 (Lords of Madness, pg 21), has long has designs on raising the Aboleth Empire to its past glories once again. Recently, it uncovered knowledge of an Eldritch Machine that would allow it to twist time, bringing the primordial past forward into the present in an ever-expanding area.
This Eldritch Machine was located in the submerged ruins of the ancient Aboleth city of Zhakarduun, now guarded by a Gold Dragon and a clan of Storm Giants. Sakhreith gathered allies, including a Kraken and several Devils, and attacked Zhakarduun, overrunning the guardians. The Eldritch Machine was uncovered and activated, quickly bringing Zhakarduun back to its former glory on the ocean surface, as well as bringing its former denizens to life once again. Sakhreith wasted no time in sending forth Aboleth-led armies of Skum and minions to establish a new empire, while the time-twisting effect continued to radiate out from Zhakarduun.
The PCs are enjoying a normal day in their home city, doing whatever they normally do in their downtime, when a panic erupts in the streets. Dinosaurs and other primordial beasts are suddenly running amok in the center of the city! The PCs must quickly jump to action if they are to save the panicking commoners from a trio of enraged and confused Tyrannosaurs. After dealing with the Tyrannosaurs, the ground will shake and buildings will topple nearby as a pair of advanced Purple Worms burrow their way out of the ground. And in the distance, a Titanic Dire Ape (Monster Manual II) is terrorizing the farmer’s market, flinging carts and wagons around like toys as the city guards try to bring it down with crossbows.
After dealing with these unusual creatures, the PCs should turn their attention to finding out what exactly is going on. They should be able to quickly discern with Divination magic that this same sort of chaos is happening up and down the coast. If the PCs need a little prodding, have city officials bring forth a sage or priest who has come to the same conclusions.
At this time, an image of a Merman appears, pleading for help in repelling an invasion of Skum and ancient horrors menacing the nearby Merman city of Ryquil. Again, if the PCs need a little prodding, have the sage point out that what is happening to Ryquil bears similarities to what is happening here, and suggest the PCs go and investigate.
The PCs journey under the sea to Ryquil, only to find the corral city under siege not only by the expected Skum, but also by a Kraken and a swarm of Devils! The Merman war leader, Orrin (Merman Fighter 14), asks the party to deal with the Kraken and Devils, while he marshals his forces to repel the Skum. In rapid succession, the party will have to deal with the Kraken plus a trio of Elasmosaurus, then a flight of Erinyes led by an Ice Devil, and lastly with the Aboleth Mage directing the invasion. However, the PCs will have the aid of several Mermen in the encounters, including a mid-level cleric able to heal their wounds in-between waves of attackers.
After the invasion of Ryquil has been thwarted, the PCs will again meet with Orrin, who will tell them that dread Zhakarduun has once again risen to threaten all! He will give them some background on the history of Zhakarduun and of Aboleths in general, as well as tell them of the Gold Dragon & Storm Giant guardians. If the PCs were especially heroic in the defense of Ryquil, or are make high diplomacy checks, Orrin will offer to accompany them to Zhakarduun.
Once arriving in the twisted bilestone (Lords of Madness) city of Zhakarduun, the PCs will have to contend with the dominated Mature Gold Dragon that is now a minion of Sakhreith. Other guardians in the city include a pair of dominated Storm Giants, as well as a Horned Devil and a Truly Horrid Umber Hulk Elder Eidolon (Lords of Madness). If the PCs manage to free any of the dominated guardians, they will have gained a valuable ally for the remainder of the adventure.
In the inner sanctum of Zhakarduun, Sakhreith awaits the party with his Greater Stone Golem, ready to defend his Eldritch Machine to the death. This would be an extremely tough fight for the party, but they have two advantages. First, they have several potential allies in Orrin and the dominated Guardians. Second, they only have to destroy the Eldritch Machine to end the time-twisting effect.
Once the Eldritch Machine is destroyed, there is an explosion of energy, and then everything seems to ripple and go into slow-motion rewind. Dead and injured PCs are healed as time reverses past their injuries, and the reverse-effect seems to accelerate through the last few days as the PCs are returned to whatever they were doing in their downtime when the adventure started.
Then, everything seems to slow down again, and the PCs find themselves suddenly confronted by the true power behind Sakhreith’s plot, a Pit Fiend! In a moment outside of time, with the city frozen around them, the PCs have been returned to full health and have had their expended spells and daily powers restored for this final fight, as the Pit Fiend tries to take revenge on the mortal heroes who ruined his scheme.
Once the Pit Fiend is defeated, time once again continues healing itself (and dead PCs are raised, etc as before) as the final few moments rewind. As time starts to move forward again, the PCs might be alarmed to hear a commotion out in the streets, only to find an ordinary pickpocket being arrested by the guards rather than rampaging dinosaurs.
Only those who were present at the destruction of the Eldritch Machine retain any memory of what happened before time healed itself, although that effect is limited to the material plane, and the Gods and other powerful extra planar entities know what truly occurred, and the PCs part in it. If Sakhreith was not slain, it is surely plotting revenge somewhere in an ocean abyss.
Summary of Rewards: Because time heals itself and the PCs end up back where they started, they ultimately won’t be able to take any treasure with them after destroying the Eldritch Machine. However, if they had any allies in the final battles, these allies will seek them out and reward them generously for their acts. As well, the Gods know what truly occurred, and divine favor could manifest itself in many ways to ensure that the PCs are rewarded appropriately for their heroic deeds. (This reward will flucuate depending on the presence or absence of other rewards from the allies, to ensure that the party is not over-rewarded for their level)
Estimate: 12 000 words. 3 maps, one urban map (to be used in both the initial encounters and the Pit Fiend battle), a map of the battle for Ryquil, and a map of the ruins of Zhakarduun.
Over on the "Siege of the Spider Eaters" thread, drinken_nomad asked me to post my original proposal query letter for my adventure of the same name appearing in issue 137. This is the first I've looked at it in two years and it's pretty different from the evolved adventure in print.TConnors, you should post this on the SubCulture Wiki (http://subculture.teknohippy.com) started by Technohippy. It will be the first example of an "Accepted Query" if you do. :-)
Hi Matrissa. If you or teknohippy want to post my query over at wiki, that's fine by me. I can't figure out how to post on it.
In writing my Dungeon adventure proposals, I found the advice in George Orwell's essay "Politics and the English Language" (1946) to be both appropriate and helpful. It has a lot of tips that are timeless. Plus it's an interesting read. You can find a copy of it here:
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm.
I hope you find it useful too.
Here's some excerpted tips:
(i) Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
(ii) Never use a long word where a short one will do.
(iii) If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
(iv) Never use the passive where you can use the active.
(v) Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
(vi) Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.
In an effort to foster some creative criticism I am going to give my own feedback on the recent failed queries (basically in a hope that someone will do me the favour of tearing my own query to pieces). I’ll begin with Zherog’s “Eye of Divinity”.
Plot and Background:
Nice idea. I like the addition of the divinity aspects into the story. I don’t see how you could convey the beholder’s own lust for power, however. Ultimately, from the PC’s perspective, they’ll be going in to the caves to destroy the goblins (and ultimately the beholder). What difference does it make that the beholder is acting on its own or working for a higher cause? What evidence of either would you present?
Important Foes and Encounters:
I really like the concept of Vrikli. I like the characterization. You give a good amount of details on the goblin cleric, though, but not much on the two other “sub-bosses”. In addition, there is little information on the encounters you’d present the players. As this adventure seems to be a search and destroy type mission, I’d at least want to give a few unique encounters beyond a different variety of monsters. I refer to the submission guidelines:
Roleplaying Encounters, Traps, Locked Doors, Grappling, Situations in which skills and feats are used instead of spells and swords.
You do mention big long passageways, and traps, but you’re telling not showing. What kind of traps? What kind of advantage (and disadvantages) are provided by the passageways and shafts?
In addition, I don’t get any sense of the complex or where each encounter will come from. Does the first main room have ALL the monsters in it at once? How many groups of EL 8 “Several dozen goblins, hobgoblins, and bugbears of lesser levels live in the complex”?
I dunno, it just seems very vague.
Rewards:
Again, you give no real insightful or solid information. Yes, the random treasure generators are used. Is that all? No special or specific treasure?
Niggly/Anal Stuff:
Heh, I sound like I’m ranting already. Sorry. But here’s just a little stuff I found irksome:
I’d have the estimates at the top of the page. I didn’t realize the level limit of the adventure until the very end. Or the length. I imagine, to an editor, these are probably two of the most important factors he needs to know.
12,500 seems a little long for a dungeon crawl. I imagine the length would come from the complexity of the encounters, though unfortunately you do not give an estimate on how many encounters you’d have, so it’s difficult to gauge.
Holy Anal Alert Batman – I think “a beholder the goblins believe to be a god sent to protect them”, reads better if you add whom before the first “the”.
Sorry it sounds so negative. I really did like the backstory. I just didn’t like the none-specific parts.
Just a few quickie comments about your feedback. First, don't sweat it. I started this thread knowing that whatever I posted here was going to get nitpicked to death, with more negative comments than my brother's report cards. :D
In random order, because I'm chaotic like that!
I’d have the estimates at the top of the page. I didn’t realize the level limit of the adventure until the very end. Or the length. I imagine, to an editor, these are probably two of the most important factors he needs to know.
In the word doc, it is at the top. I make use of headers in MS Word; it has my name, e-mail address, title, page number, and estimated word count up in the header.
12,500 seems a little long for a dungeon crawl.
It might be a little long; I padded it out a bit because of all the stat blocks - even the beholder would need a stat block, because I intended to yank some stuff from Lords of Madness to make him different from the "standard" beholder.
In addition to a bunch of large stat blocks, when I wrote the query I envisioned the PCs having to go on a "seek and destroy" once they knew the beholder was there; for its part, the beholder would use hit and run tactics, leading the PCs into traps and so forth. I thought that sort of setup for the "second chapter' would require more words than a standard "room description" style dungeon crawl.
...unfortunately you do not give an estimate on how many encounters you’d have, so it’s difficult to gauge.
I generally don't give an estimate as to how many encounters in my queries. Maybe it's something I should think about adding in.
Rewards:
Again, you give no real insightful or solid information. Yes, the random treasure generators are used. Is that all? No special or specific treasure?
I generally like to leave things open when possible. Maybe it's a bad personal preference, but I prefer to focus on the "non-standard" treasure in that section. Things like the gratitude of the townfolk and what that earns PCs, rewards, and so on.
Plot and Background:
Nice idea. I like the addition of the divinity aspects into the story. I don’t see how you could convey the beholder’s own lust for power, however. Ultimately, from the PC’s perspective, they’ll be going in to the caves to destroy the goblins (and ultimately the beholder). What difference does it make that the beholder is acting on its own or working for a higher cause? What evidence of either would you present?
Well, there's two answers here. First, the information is useful to the DM so he knows the goblins' motivations, as well as those of the beholder. Second, it leads to roleplaying opportunities within the dungeon crawl. The idea would be that as the PCs cut their way through the goblins, the gobbos would talk about the divine wrath of their god. The beholder, too, could be smug - more so than usual. Sure, PCs don't care he's broken away from his hive mother and looking to create his own personal "realm." But the info was important enough, I thought, to take time to include it in the background.
I really like the concept of Vrikli. I like the characterization.
I like Vrikli too. He might just become a Critical Threat.
You give a good amount of details on the goblin cleric, though, but not much on the two other “sub-bosses”.
Yeah, I probably could've given a bit more detail on the other bosses; but I was limited in space, and opted to just gloss over those.
In addition, there is little information on the encounters you’d present the players. As this adventure seems to be a search and destroy type mission, I’d at least want to give a few unique encounters beyond a different variety of monsters. I refer to the submission guidelines:
Roleplaying Encounters, Traps, Locked Doors, Grappling, Situations in which skills and feats are used instead of spells and swords.
You do mention big long passageways, and traps, but you’re telling not showing. What kind of traps? What kind of advantage (and disadvantages) are provided by the passageways and shafts?
I did also mention the trapped entrance way, and gave vague details about how the traps in the beholder's area worked (pressure plates, so he wouldn't trigger them).
Frankly, I never have room in my queries to detail encounters. Maybe it's my writing style, or maybe I need to change some settings in Word (margin size, font, font size, etc), but I don't ever seem to be able to go into details like, "there'll be 20 gazillion locked doors" and stuff like that. I choose, instead, to focus on the story of the adventure and give an overview of what creatures exist.
My style is still evolving, though. This is the sort of stuff I like in my feedback - it gives me an idea where I can possibly improve my query writing.
In addition, I don’t get any sense of the complex or where each encounter will come from. Does the first main room have ALL the monsters in it at once? How many groups of EL 8 “Several dozen goblins, hobgoblins, and bugbears of lesser levels live in the complex”?
I honestly didn't know the answer to this one - I still don't. I don't draw maps or even plan detailed encounters in a query, mostly because I expect the query to get rejected - I've had one out of six make it past the Gatekeeper. Maybe it's a catch-22.
I do appreciate the feedback. Thanks. :)
Hi Matrissa. If you or teknohippy want to post my query over at wiki, that's fine by me. I can't figure out how to post on it.
Done!
A friend and I have an adventure under development and we'd really like to have our query critiqued by someone with more experience writing them (this is my second and his first attempt). Since we're not supposed to post un-rejected queries I'm sort of hoping that one or two of the regulars around here might be willing to give it an quick once over offline and provide some feedback.
If you're up for it, send an email to me (jenni dot merrifield at jamm dot com -- yes, the "jamm" is supposed to have two m's) and I'll be more than happy to shoot a copy off to you. :-)
Thanks, in advance
Jenni
Here's my latest rejection, because it was too similar to something already in the pipeline (so sayeth Sutter):
[u]Snakes on a Plain[/u] (Adventure Query)
LEVEL: 9th
Estimated Word Count: 7000
In “Snakes on a Plain,” the characters venture into serpentine catacombs buried beneath a farmer’s field. Characters must struggle past yuan-ti explorers, advanced necrophidius guardians and ancient traps before uncovering an ice-filled cavern preserving a fearsome yuan-ti champion. Should the characters arrive at the icy tomb too late, they find the champion awakened and gone, another great evil loosed upon the world. “Snakes on a Plain” is an adventure for 9th level PCs, and runs about 7,000 words.
The adventure begins when a newly-buried woman rips her way out of a small town’s graveyard. The player characters, on the scene coincidentally (or tracking a yuan-ti nemesis, or answering reports of trouble in the area, or seeking the lost tomb of Sheshagar) assist the townsfolk in putting the restless corpse back in the ground. The woman’s husband tells the characters that until recently, he and his wife, along with their son, lived on a nearby farm. They left when giant snakes attacked the farmhouse, killing the farmer’s wife and gravely injuring his son. The woman’s corpse bears snakelike features that should intrigue the characters.
Investigating the farmhouse reveals signs that indicate giant snakes are moving extensively in the area. Characters tracking the snakes uncover a yuan-ti scouting force that has uncovered a passage into the ground. The characters discover that the farmer’s field sits above a ruined yuan-ti sacred site that the snake people seek to reclaim. The influence of this lost temple caused the farmer’s wife to rise as an undead wretchling. Any creatures slain by yuan-ti poison within five miles of the sacred site also rise as undead wretchlings.
Within the lost temple lurk the necrophidius guardians and several traps (mostly pits and poisoned darts, but also one hallway decorated with stone carvings of open-mouthed cobras. The stone snakes expel a hallucinogenic gas that has no effect on yuan-ti, but which may affect characters. Affected characters think the snake heads are coming to life and may attack them, wasting spells and damaging weapons). In addition, the yuan-ti scouts exploring this area have split into three groups, and the characters undoubtedly meet with them during the adventure. One group is led by a powerful yuan-ti abomination druid and her fang golem bodyguard.
The final chamber of the tomb, a supernaturally icy cavern, holds the frozen form of Sheshagar, a champion of Merrshaulk. Sheshagar slaughtered hundreds in the name of Merrshaulk in his time, and when heroes banded together to destroy Sheshagar, Merrshaulk’s clerics hid the champion away in this frozen tomb. Their plan was to awaken Sheshagar when his services again were needed; that time has now come. The yuan-ti’s activities free Sheshagar from his tomb; the characters either destroy the yuan-ti and Sheshagar, or find that the long-frozen champion has escaped with his new allies, ready to wreak havoc on the world once more.
Enemies
- wretchling zombie (Secrets of Xen’drik)
-yuan-ti explorers (a mix of halfbloods and purebloods)
-four advanced (6 HD) necrophidius (from Fiend Folio)
-Guta, yuan-ti abomination druid 2
-fang golem (Monster Manual IV)
-Sheshagar, yuan-ti ignan barbarian 3 (Monster Manual IV)
Rewards
Guta, the yuan-ti leader, carries a unique scimitar and sickle, both fashioned to look as if made of golden scales. The weapons function as a +2 scimitar and a +1 sickle, and when used in tandem they grant their wielder the ability to cast barkskin on himself as a 9th level druid, once a day (use of this ability turns the wielder’s skin gold for as long as the barkskin effect remains active).
Sheshagar still carries his own signature weapon, a +2 flaming heavy flail named Bloodsear. A barbarian who wields Bloodsear may choose to take 2d4 points of fire damage when he ends rage, instead of becoming fatigued. Spells, spell-like abilities, racial features and other effects do not protect against this fire damage, although spells and items can heal the damage normally.
I would have bought that issue of Dungeon just for that adventure.
Here's my latest rejection, because it was too similar to something already in the pipeline (so sayeth Sutter):(
I bet it's "Requiem of the Shadow Serpent," from #139. I was reading the adventure last night and wondered where I had seen something similar in the past few days. :)
I whole-heartedly concur, Medesha. I'd have purchased that edition just for your adventure.
I spent the last hour scratching the thinning hair on my head, asking myself what I would do with your adventure to improve upon it and make it my own if I were running it. I came up with three things (and quite a few hairs). Take these as mere suggestions. I genuinely like your proposal as it stands.
First, I love the horror of an underground Yuan-ti temple, partially in ruins, that leads down to frozen chambers where the climax occurs. I do! Nonetheless, my sense is that the editors (that's the TRULY TERRIFIC, KIND, GIFTED, AND ALL KNOWLEDGEABLE editors, in case they're monitoring this stuff) are looking for TO-DIE-FOR locations for their dungeons. Neat as your underground temple is, I feel like its familiar to me just from your query's description. I think that, perhaps, that's not a good thing.
Those of us who are would-be published adventure writers have to come up with genuinely novel locations, I think. We need to write adventures that take place on both the material plane and, within the same physical space, a transitive plane like the ethereal or shadow plane. We need to set our adventures deep within an ocean that is inexplicably crusting over with ice on the surface, or swiftly freezing altogether unless the PCs can stop it. We need to shrink our PCs down to the size of ants and set their adventure in the Darwinian horror of an old maid's vegetable garden gone to seed. We need to set our adventure in a volcano that PCs know is about 13 hours shy of erupting. I fear the that the time for the beloved underground labyrinth has passed.
Second, I'm a little unclear on the Yuan-tis' motives. The farmers were unfortunate enough to set their farm on top of an ancient Yuan-ti temple that the snake folk have decided to renovate, so they can hide their champion there until he's needed. Given that, why do they let their snakes go feast on the surface farmers? Isn't that exactly the kind of thing that invites pesky adventuring parties to come snooping around? I also think that any adventure that includes a running clock needs to make that clear to the PCs. Here, if the PCs don't reach the ice chambers in time, they may miss their chance to catch and kill the Yuan-ti champion. They don't need to know EXACTLY what happens when the time runs out, but I think they do need to know that TIME'S RUNNING OUT! Otherwise, after moving through the dungeon in a cautions and reasonable fashion, they'll be very disappointed, and perhaps feel somewhat ripped off, when they get to the climax and discover they missed it. Once they know their racing the clock, however, they have to decide between caution and dangerous risks, which is both exciting and scary!
Third, I think the story might have been stronger with a good plot twist near the end. We don't need to write adventures as surprising as "The Sixth Sense" or that end with lines as memorable as, "It's a cookbook!" But a solid plot twist that PCs SHOULD have seen coming provides a sense of closure that's hard to beat. Perhaps the dead farm woman's husband is a Yuan-ti pureblood masquerading as a human to protect the hidden temple. Perhaps he tries to convince the PCs that there's nothing to investigate, or points the finger at a red herring. This would, of course, leave the PCs with a bad taste in their mouth with respect to his character, but probably fail to cause them to press him in earnest. And then, at the end, perhaps he's waiting in the ice chamber when the PCs arrive. "You fools!" he cries. "I gave you every chance, every reason to turn away from this end, but you were too stubborn or stupid to listen! Such is the way with humans. Very well!" he hisses, releasing the champion. "You have brought this doom upon yourselves! Now, you shall learn the folly of your ways!"
Or something like that.
That's my three cents. Take them for what they're worth.
I really DID like your query! Keep writing! And more Yuan-ti!
Thanks very much! I disagree with you, but that's a personal preference. :) I'm getting tired of adventures in ZOMG OUTRAGEOUS LOCATIONS! And twists at the end of published adventures are getting so standard, my players anticipate them before we begin. I like some straightforward, meat and potatoes style adventures, so that's what I'm writing. But to each their own. :)
Oh, and the champion was buried years ago; the yuan-ti are unearthing and recovering him.
Thanks again!
-Amber
Cool! Life's no fun if everyone agrees all the time. And, like I said, I'm quite taken with your query as written. My three cents' worth were no more than that! Best wishes! (By the way, love your icon!)
- Ted
Thanks, I love it too. I begged and pleaded until the gracious web staff put it up as one of the selectable avatars. :D
-Amber
Wow, we can DO that? I've can think of a slew of images not presently offered that I'd LOVE to see as avatars!
Yeah, like the Cleric from the "Lost Ones" Class Act.
Personally, I need something with a "stunned" expression to convey the real me.
"Deeply confused" is the look I'm gunning for.
Thanks very much! I disagree with you, but that's a personal preference. :) I'm getting tired of adventures in ZOMG OUTRAGEOUS LOCATIONS! And twists at the end of published adventures are getting so standard, my players anticipate them before we begin. I like some straightforward, meat and potatoes style adventures, so that's what I'm writing. But to each their own. :)
Oh, and the champion was buried years ago; the yuan-ti are unearthing and recovering him.
Thanks again!
-Amber
Couldn't agree with you more on that sentiment. Too many dungeons have too much going on or get too bogged down with overly complicated storylines. I thought your query was an excellent example of a good, solid adventure with a well balanced mix of story, intrigue and action. I really liked the town developing over the ancient temple and it isn't packed with predictable undead. Too bad someone else got the headstart on you.
That said, the only thing I found lacking was something new. What seperates this adventure from the many other "yuan ti/temple/town with secret" dungeons? Everything is in place for a great dungeon but it needs that "whoah, that's really cool!" element. Other than that, a great effort.
That's my two cents.
I guess I'm just the exception to the rule. I'm always looking for a complex storyline. Maybe that's why this game is so compelling. There's no right answer; it's flexible enough to appeal to all kinds of tastes.
My problem is simply staying a step ahead of my players. My group is comprised of four women and three men in their thirties and early forties, all successful professionals, and all brighter than me. To keep them engaged, I continuously cast about for complex mysteries that unfold slowly, clue by clue and battle by battle, until the PCs resolve the plot’s overarching question in a sudden moment of blinding understanding. (Ideally, this revelation springs from that final plot twist that no one saw coming, but that all agree everyone should have seen coming, because the clues were there all the time.)
I've been delighted by the adventures published since the last of the AoWAP. “The Weavers” leads the pack, in my opinion, with great venues, a solid mystery, and the life of everyone in The Styes potentially hanging in the balance. “Siege of the Spider Eaters” turns the tables on the PCs, revealing perceived foes to be victims. Excellent! The complex subtlety of the revenge pursued by the hag covey in “Man Forever” is gloriously insidious. LOVE the idea of changing the witnesses thoughts so they don't know they're hiding the truth. And I thought the clues, decoys, riddles, and handouts that allow the PCs to unravel the piranha-filled mystery of “Tealpeck’s Flood” were marvelous! The more handouts and visual aids, the better! So I haven't reached the saturation point on plot twists yet, but that could just be me.
Despite my quirky tastes, I whole-heartedly agree that Amber's query's thoroughly engaging. It got me excited, and I'd love to have seen it as an adventure. At its heart, a good adventure is a good adventure, and hers has that imaginative spark that makes me want to see more. (And she's still got the coolest avatar I've seen on the boards.)
- Ted
A friend and I have an adventure under development and we'd really like to have our query critiqued by someone with more experience writing them (this is my second and his first attempt). Since we're not supposed to post un-rejected queries I'm sort of hoping that one or two of the regulars around here might be willing to give it an quick once over offline and provide some feedback.
I just wanted to post a very public Thank You to TConnors and Medesha.
They were both kind enough to contact me offline and then sent me and my friend excellent feedback about our query. Now we just have to make a few edits and then try to slip it past that ol' grey render.
I love the people in this forum. :-D
-Jenni
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I hope I'm not asking too much, but I was earnestly wondering if anyone might be able to give me some feedback on "Strangler's Trail?" I ask only because this was my 1st adventure query, and I truly wish to see if I'm making any critical errors in my queries or adventure design before I endeavor to fire off any more ideas.
With three month waiting periods and a certain fondness for my query ideas, I want to make sure I give my proposals all the advantages I can.
Medesha: I love your adventure concept, especially the obvious wink towards recent pop culture. After reading your query, it immediately made me consider utilizing the dreaded snake-folk in my campaigns once again :).
"Deeply confused" is the look I'm gunning for.
That's why I picked Elan. :D
--John
I hope I'm not asking too much, but I was earnestly wondering if anyone might be able to give me some feedback on "Strangler's Trail?"
....
Working Title: The Strangler’s Trail
Length: 8,500-9,500 words; 3 half-sized maps
Character Level: 6th
Key Points:
- Small town / marsh terrain adventure for 6th level characters
-A town’s thirst for revenge produces an undead nightmare from the recently returned town pariah.
-Nocturnal kidnappings and murders occur in the following days and are attributed to the monstrosity. The pariah’s son is housed by each of the victims only a few days before they disappear.
-These crimes are the ultimate work of a sinister aberration, which utilizes its power over the catatonic teenager to transform the village into an undead stockyard.
-Characters with Track, Heal, or Knowledge (dungeoneering) may be able to deduce the real villain’s identity before the final kidnapping
I usually use key points section myself but it is usually one or two lines in length (i.e. maybe stick with: “A town’s thirst for revenge produces an undead nightmare from the recently returned town pariah.” It’s a cool teaser and is to the point the rest seems like explanation.)
The hamlet of Avendon once served as rest stop and waypoint along a well-traversed highway connecting two great nations. But, neglect and internal conflict have left the Tradeway and once prosperous Avendon all but forgotten on the banks of the ever-growing marshland, Obad-Hai’s Basin. In the two hundred years since its founding, Avendon has descended into subsistence farming, its meager and muddy streets filled with echoes of desperate struggle against the town’s inevitable decay.
This bit while interesting could be redone shorter. “The hamlet of Avendon is a decaying frontier town.”
The only notable event, of late, was the death of Avendon’s priest, who was strangled by the town’s potter, Deliath Blackmoss, as he burgled the parish moneybox. Now, three years after this crime, Deliath “Blackfingers,” has returned to his old haunt, only to be captured by bounty hunters in the act of murdering his mother-in-law before the eyes of his teenage son.
This bit is a little confusing on a quick run through. “Deliath Blackmoss or Blackfingers as he is know to the locals, is a murder and thief who did …”
The party, brought to Avendon either in their own pursuit of Blackfingers’ bounty or some other happenstance, arrives in the evening to find him hanged by the sextet of hunters who sought Deliath’s live bounty, but had been forced to hang him by a vengeful mob. The party is offered free lodging, for Avendon sees few travelers with any wealth, and the Tradeway is hardly a route to traverse at night.
Nice hook.
The night falls with the hunters encamped in town square, keeping watch over their swinging prize, accompanied by the killer’s son, Dorian. The early morning brings alarm and fear, as a villager is slain by one hunter as the others continue their vigil beside the empty gallows, their heads lolling on broken necks. Two sets of prints, one birthed by the boots of the late Blackfingers, give mute evidence to Dorian’s kidnapping by his father, and their departure into the fog-shrouded Basin.
Keen minds may notice the evidence indicates Blackfingers’ return as a morhg, and may conclude that he seeks to finish his last intended murder. The concerned villagers are soon relieved, however, for Dorian is found, possibly by the party, sitting in a dinghy at the town’s waterside as the sun clears the fog. He is physically unharmed, but catatonic.
Unbeknownst to the party, the morhg’s flight through the swamps was aborted by an encounter with a rot reaver druid, self-titled “The Swamp Hermit,” as it sought to establish a lair within the Basin. Known for its powers over the undead and hunger for their flesh, the rot reaver made short work of Blackfingers and had sought to transform the boy into his undead chattel. However, Dorian, his mind shattered by the days’ events (including the burdens of his father’s sins) saw the monster as his savior and guardian, and his apparent joy and devotion halted the rot reaver’s hand. Now, the Swamp Hermit has returned Dorian to the village to aid his access to Avendon’s populace, whom the rot reaver desires as his private army and larder.
Destroying one baddy with another is in my opinion quite clever, but I’m not convinced of the boy’s motives or the need for him to be related to Blackfingers. Couldn’t Blackfingers just as likely killed some rich old lady in another bungled burglary? Also I kinda like the idea that it is the PCs who put such a notable villian as Blackfingers down for all time. Perhaps he escapes the reaver.
The boy is taken in by one of Avendon’s families, but the whereabouts of Blackfingers remains unknown; the party is begged to remain until his discovery –the morhg’s skeletal frame can be found in the Hermit’s lair. The village’s doors are bolted against the killer’ return, but every three nights, the town will be visited by the aberration. His minion secretly marks his residence with a lit candle and unbolts the door at the reaver’s arrival, allowing for the swift and quiet kidnapping of the family. Without the party’s intervention, this pattern continues as Dorian’s catatonia and the village’s guilt at his former treatment supply him a new family of victims every three nights. Each morning following an attack, Dorian is found, shivering and silent at the foot of the gallows.
In adventure terms this is a lengthy bit of time betwixt encounters.
Depending on the party’s actions, Dorian may be prevented from lighting the signal, causing the Hermit to rage and break into the nearest home, raising alarm. Alternatively, Dorian’s third set of guardians spot the boy’s actions, and interrupt his unbolting of their home—the reaver will attack conspicuously, escaping with its deranged servitor in tow.
The party can pursue the creature through the swamps; its haste, the clear night, and/or the telltale droplets of candle wax (held by Dorian) will enhance their ability to follow its tracks. Although likely slowed by the creature’s zombie crocodile minions and a hungry swamp strider swarm, the party should easily locate its lair, a half-submerged and hollowed remnant of a fallen grand oak, wherein the villain, its augmented zombie minions, and other swamp terrors await a final confrontation. The party has succeeded when they put an end to the Swamp Hermit’s predations, his death bringing a full catatonic state to Dorian Blackmoss. It is not required for the party to identify the boy’s hand in these matters- he is not an innocent victim, but he is a product of his life’s tragedies and a shattered psyche.
If the party does not follow the reaver to its lair, its nightly assaults will continue, albeit without their original subtlety. Without aid, Avendon will fall.
Major Foes: zombies, bloodthirsty (Libris Mortis) zombies, boneleaf (Heroes of Horror), advanced rot reaver druid 1
Rewards: Two +1 cleavers, 1150 gp, +1 slick leather armor, wand of find traps {15 chgs}, 750 gp for proof of Blackfinger’s death.
This seems by far the crunchist bit of the proposal. I would suggest giving the PCs more of a role earlier in the proposal. Your backstory and monster reactions can then be woven into it in relation to the characters actions. Always remember: PCs first. What are the PC’s doing? Is it cool? Etc….
GGG
PS If it is any consolation my rot reaver adventure based on Poe's "Masque of the Red Death" got rejected last year.
Here's my query that got axed during Monday's meeting. The level (3) and estimated word count (8500) appear in the header of the document (along with my name and e-mail address). That info is also included at the end.
The Dogs of War
The wealthy merchant Zomis and his family recently fled their home as a devastating earthquake ripped through the region. Now Zomis needs a copy of his family tree, left behind in the rush to escape the destruction, to prove his lineage and allow his daughter to marry. Zomis has run into a problem, though. A pack of gnolls, led by a ferocious werehyena, has taken over his ruined estate. Can the PCs recover the book containing Zomis’s genealogy and return it in time for the betrothed couple’s ceremony to take place without a hitch?
Plot: A wealthy merchant named Zomis hires the PCs to travel to his ruined estate to recover an item left behind when the family fled in a hurry – a book containing his family tree dating back 20 generations. The characters travel to the estate to find a pack of gnolls and their hyena pets occupy the ruined building and surrounding lands. The characters must make their way into the rubble of the manor house – either by strength or stealth – and locate the remnants of the library. During their exploration of the ruined house, they face off against several gnolls; during one of these struggles, they find half of the book necessary to complete their quest. Further exploration of the building brings the characters face to face with the leader of the pack – a gnoll werehyena. Among the items they find after this fight is the other half of the book. The players return to their employer just in time to allow the bride-to-be to prove her lineage and allow the happy couple to wed.
Background Information: Zomis is a wealthy merchant from a frontier region; exactly what sort of goods he deals in is left vague to allow DMs to customize as needed for their PCs. He and his family recently fled their estate as an earthquake tore through the region. The left many important items and family heirlooms behind; among them is a copy of his family’s genealogy for the past 20 generations.
Zomis’s young daughter Pravia is in love and betrothed to a noble’s son. In order for the wedding to take place, though, Zomis must prove his family history is worthy. To do this, he requires a copy of the book left behind. Zomis understands the conditions of his former residence, including the subsequent gnoll invasion. The merchant knows the task is a dangerous one, and therefore he’s more willing to hire adventurers rather than dispatch his own staff members.
For their part, the gnolls have no particular interest in Zomis – his ruined manor house was simply convenient. The gnolls worked hard excavating parts of the manor house to use as their lair. While digging out the rubble, the pack stumbled upon the very book Zomis needs. The book’s cover is gilded in gold and encrusted with gems; in order to appease the two leaders of the pack, the book was split in half, with each leader receiving a piece.
Plot Hooks: The following plot hooks are among those available to bring the PCs into the action:
• One of the PCs is friends with either the bride or groom-to-be. The couple is desperate to retrieve the book to prove Zomis’s daughter is worthy of marriage to the young noble.
• If one of the PCs has a particular interest in joining a trade guild, Zomis should make a fine contact. The merchant is willing to negotiate the character’s sponsorship in return for the retrieval of his item.
Important Foes: The gnoll pack has two strong foes vying for leadership. The first is a gnoll fighter 4 (CR 4). The second is a gnoll natural werehyena rogue 3 (CR 5). Each of these leaders possesses half the book the characters need to retrieve.
In addition to the pair of leaders, the PCs will encounter about a dozen other gnolls advanced with various class levels, including fighter, rogue, and sorcerer. The gnolls control a pack of hyenas; the pack consists of a total of 7 hyenas the PCs will face during the adventurer.
A short list of potential random encounters the PCs could face during their journey will flesh out the encounters.
In addition to these creatures, the actual conditions within the ruined manor house will prove to make the encounters unique. Parts of the manor house lay sideways after the earthquake swallowed large sections of the ground. Rubble and slanted floors exist throughout the house. Finally, the gnolls have dug tunnels through the scree to facilitate movement between areas.
Rewards: Zomis believes most of the items of value in his house were either destroyed by the earthquake or taken by looters. Still, his preference would be to recover the handful of family heirlooms the PCs find; he’s willing to negotiate this point, however, to ensure the return of the book and secure his daughter’s happiness. Among the items still in tact are a masterwork lap harp, a tapestry depicting a rising sun behind the manor house, and a jeweled hair comb that belonged to Pravia.
The gnolls will all be equipped accordingly for their ECL, and should provide the majority of the treasure available to the PCs.
Zomis honors any deal he negotiates; this likely includes a reward paid upon return of the book. He is also willing to use his connections to help a PC further a career, or to aid the PCs in acquiring specific items in lieu of a cash payment.
Finally, the happy couple is forever grateful to the PCs for their efforts. The PCs should find having the favor of a local noble worthwhile.
Estimates: Dogs of War should require 8500 words. It will be designed with 3rd level PCs in mind, but should be easily scalable down to 1st and up to 5th. The adventure requires two maps. The first shows the manor house and surrounding area, including the devastation from the earthquake. The second details the interior of house.
***
So there it is - my latest rejection.
Apparently this one was similar to something already in the pipe.
"Hell Frozen Over"
From above, swallowed by the vastness of the blue and white glacier the monastery glows like a single, tiny ember. Up close, the meticulously arranged rock gardens -incandescent with heat- standing amidst pools and streams of molten metal, linked together with carefully raked paths of burning coals and delicate, handcrafted basalt bridges present a much clearer picture. Each morning, with three strikes on the great gong the monks emerge from their pagodas, licked with flames as vivid as the plumage of jungle birds, to meditate and train. They come to the monastery not only to hone their bodies' as weapons but also to contemplate the stark, lethal beauty of the ice itself, so foreign to them.
Even for a race as austere as the azer some choose to walk a path of such rigor and adversity that they must devote their lives to finding new ways to test themselves. Almost a century ago a band of these monks accepted an offer that gave them an ideal place to continue their search for personal perfection with a price that seemed more than fair. Simply to serve as bodyguards when called upon.
Now, ninety-nine years have passed and the bill is ready for collection. Unfortunately, it turns out the strangers who led them to the monastery so long ago were actually devils in disguise, and the monks find themselves required to protect these loathsome fiends as they ravage the multiverse. The rigid code of their race leaves them no option but to honor the deal, despite their personal abhorrence.
After all, the devil must get his due…
Format
"Hell frozen over" is a high-level adventure, intended for 13th level characters though it should prove fairly easy to scale for levels 11th to 15th. I expect it to be about 12,000 words and to require one map (the monastery).
Loopholes
As you would expect with a bargain born in the dark heart of a devil the agreement the azer monks made to provide bodyguards on demand after ninety-nine years of occupancy is iron clad. The fact that they failed to perform "due diligence" and discover the true identities of their landlords does not void the contract. However, while they must give the devils free access to the monastery, and protect them from harm, they remain the tenants, and get to make their own rules. This includes whom else they can welcome as guests.
While the monks would never violate the letter or the spirit of their agreement, they have friends on the outside (or conversely the devils have enemies) with fewer moral qualms. The adventure hooks all involve an NPC alerting the PCs of the problem at the heart of a distant glacier and sending them off to the three day retreat the azer offer each year for those seeking to center themselves. This enables the PCs to enter the monastery openly, and spend some time peacefully interacting with the monks and the devils, getting to know them as NPCs while they search for a solution to the problem. During this time they train side by side with the monks, facing some of the same challenges they put themselves through on a daily basis, offering up some memorable tests of agility, reflexes and stamina, with the possibility of the devils sabotaging things. Eventually, they discover that the contract is centered upon a horn and if they destroy it the contract becomes void. Once they leave they can then turn around and raid the monastery, which they now know intimately, seize the horn from the leader of the devils and break it.
Key Obstacles
While I intend to include a "getting there is half the fun" sidebar examining some possible encounters along the way, including the glacier itself, at their level the PCs should have little trouble reaching the monastery under their own power. The monastery itself, laid out with an Asian theme and flavor but designed for creatures who find bathing in volcanoes comfortable could prove a more difficult challenge. Especially when the PCs go toe to toe with the devils and their allies. Perhaps the most interesting part of the adventure however is the fact that many of the antagonists don't want to fight the PCs, simply compelled by their honor code to take part. This could require the PCs to make heavy use of the nonlethal combat rules (against flaming monks… J ).
Now, as for the opposition. As mentioned I intend to provide some character and role playing notes for many of these creatures, even the ones that don't require new stat blocks. I consider monk a nonassociated class for azer, meaning the first two levels only push the CR up to 3 (or a total CR=to monk levels +1). The monks have four ranks, and hence four stat blocks; the abbot (mnk 13th), the prior (mnk 11th), the three deacons (mnk 9th) and the nine brothers (mnk 7th).
The devils are lead by a horned devil named Crusk (he's wearing the horn they need to break like a sheath over one of his own) and his two chief lieutenants; Zhaam an ice devil and Neera (10th level erinyes sor, also a nonassociated class meaning her CR only goes up to 13). Beneath them stand a handful of barbed and bone devils, led by Alton (3rd level barbed devil rng) and his sinister pack of hell hounds. For additional muscle, they have brought in a pair of noble salamanders and an efreeti (whose ability to grant wishes could make things very, very dramatic for the PCs). Alton's attempts to domesticate a lesser flame snake have so far proved less than successful, but the vicious beast still prefers mortal flesh to devil, making this wildcard more of a threat to the PCs than the devils.
Here's my query that got axed during Monday's meeting. The level (3) and estimated word count (8500) appear in the header of the document (along with my name and e-mail address). That info is also included at the end.
The Dogs of War
The wealthy merchant Zomis and his family recently fled their home as a devastating earthquake ripped through the region. Now Zomis needs a copy of his family tree, left behind in the rush to escape the destruction, to prove his lineage and allow his daughter to marry. Zomis has run into a problem, though. A pack of gnolls, led by a ferocious werehyena, has taken over his ruined estate. Can the PCs recover the book containing Zomis’s genealogy and return it in time for the betrothed couple’s ceremony to take place without a hitch?
Plot: A wealthy merchant named Zomis hires the PCs to travel to his ruined estate to recover an item left behind when the family fled in a hurry – a book containing his family tree dating back 20 generations. The characters travel to the estate to find a pack of gnolls and their hyena pets occupy the ruined building and surrounding lands. The characters must make their way into the rubble of the manor house – either by strength or stealth – and locate the remnants of the library. During their exploration of the ruined house, they face off against several gnolls; during one of these struggles, they find half of the book necessary to complete their quest. Further exploration of the building brings the characters face to face with the leader of the pack – a gnoll werehyena. Among the items they find after this fight is the other half of the book. The players return to their employer just in time to allow the bride-to-be to prove her lineage and allow the happy couple to wed.
Background Information: Zomis is a wealthy merchant from a frontier region; exactly what sort of goods he deals in is left vague to allow DMs to customize as needed for their PCs. He and his family recently fled their estate as an earthquake tore through...
Alright Zherog, here's my unproven, unprofessional opinion:
Your set-up is good enough, although I've never liked the "save the two lovers" plotlines.I think maybe just recovering the book or some heirlooms would've sufficed. Anyways, the proposal's biggest problem is there are no surprises. The PCs even know they're going up against gnolls at the start. The werehyena is a nice idea, but how about exploiting that nice idea so it can use its shapeshifting abilities in a unique way? Maybe the earthquake released something far more sinister than the gnolls, maybe an unholy shrine to Yeenoghu that attracted the gnolls (an obvious tie-in, I know, but a nice way to work in some low level demons). It just needed something the players weren't expecting. It would be really cool to keep everything the way you've got it, leading the players to expect to do some gnoll bashing only to discover there's something else there.
That said, I know how tough it is making up low level dungeons, I'm in the middle of a 1st level query myself. Incidentally, I think gnolls are a great choice.
Here is a query of mine that made it to the submissions meeting, only to get shot down.
I was told they liked it (it did make it past the Gatekeeper) but it was too close to something else being published. Which isn't that bad of a rejection, b/c I'm looking forward to any adventures that have a cthulhu-esque feel.
---
"Fallen Heroes"
General Information: This Eberron low-level adventure is set in Vedykar, Karrnath, and is designed for 4 4th level PCs. Tsochar & the pseudonatural template can be found in Lords of Madness. The Sun School tactical feat can be found in Complete Warrior. The Investigate, Research & Urban Tracking feats, as well as Dolgrim can be found in the Eberron Campaign Setting. Quicken Dragonmark & Dolgaunts can be found in Magic of Eberron. Blast Disks can be found in Heroes of Battle.
Adventure Atmosphere: I’m aiming for a real shades of grey, noir/cthulhu feel, with several unanswered questions (and potential adventure hooks) by the end. Gavrin was originally a hero, and even now believes he is doing good. Alestyr is evil, but he doesn’t break laws and is a respected member of society. Are the voices in Gavrin’s head symptoms of his insanity, manipulation by Alestyr or truly guidance from a higher power? Is Alestyr actually hosting a Tsochari? If so, why is he turning on the cultists and Gavrin? These are questions I want the PCs questioning at the end of the adventure. They stopped a serial killer and disrupted a Cult of the Dragon Below, but that is only the tip of the iceberg, and they should get that feeling throughout the adventure.
Adventure Hooks: Alestyr d’Medani hires the party to help solve the mystery of the Vedykar murders. He is both busy with a current trial, and also worries that he might not be able to bring down the murderer without allies. Either House Orien or House Jorasco, both of which have reasons to see these murders solved quickly, might also refer the party to Alestyr.
Important NPCs:
Alestyr d’Medani (LE Half Elf Rogue 3/Master Inquisitive 4) Tsochari host. He is at odds with the cult led by Wultram ir’Kessler, and now seeks to use Gavrin and the PCs to remove them and increase his own prestige and power.
Gavrin d’Orien (CN Human Monk 4/Dragonmark Heir 3) Was LN before crash and current bout of insanity. Uses Quicken Dragonmark along with Sun School to warp around the battlefield and strike at will.
Wultram ir’Kessler (CE Human Aristocrat 3) Tsochari host and leader of the cult. Rival of Alestyr.
Story Background:
10 years ago – Gavrin d’Orien & Alestyr d’Medani form a successful crime-fighting partnership, with Alestyr providing the brains and Gavrin providing the muscle. Gavrin gets the lion’s share of the good press, with Alestyr being relegated to the role of sidekick by the public.
4 years ago – Lightning Rail crash on the Day of Mourning, right on the border of Karrrnath and Cyre. During the aftermath of the crash itself, several tsochari use the confusion to take control of new hosts among the survivors, leaving their maimed former hosts behind. Alestyr & Gavrin, as well as 11 others are the only survivors out of hundreds of passengers. Gavrin and several of the other survivors have since been committed to the Jorasco Asylum in Vedykar for various sanity issues due to the horrific nature of the crash and its aftermath. Alestyr and the others go on to resume their relatively former lives, with the tsochari guiding their new hosts.
6 months ago – Gavrin comes out of his catatonic state and starts rehab. Alestyr visits him frequently.
1 month ago – Gavrin is declared sane and discharged from the Jorasco Asylum.
1 week ago – The other survivors of the crash start to turn up dead. The Vedykar Watch is baffled by the murders and turn to famed local detective Alestyr d’Medani.
Plot Synopsis:
Gavrin is behind the murders, because he finally remembers what happened during the aftermath of the crash, with tsochari erupting fresh corpses to latch onto the healthiest of the survivors. He isn’t sure which of the survivors harbor tsochari, so he is systematically seeking out the other survivors and slaying them, then cracking open their chest cavities and skulls in his quest for tsochari. So far he has found 2 of the tsochari.
The PCs can start off the investigation by making Search checks and using the Investigate feat at the crime scenes. They could also use Gather Information or various social skills on the neighbors, family members and Vedykar Watch to gain information. Ultimately, the PCs should piece together the clues and realize that the only link between the slain was their shared experience of surviving the Lightning Rail crash of ’94.
This realization should lead the PCs into the second stage of the investigation. They can visit the Jorasco Asylum to talk to the doctors and the committed survivors of the crash. This will allow the PCs to learn about Gavrin’s mental state and recovery, as well as listen to the insane ravings of the inmates, which hide a glimmer of truth. If the PCs ask about the visitor’s log for the span of Gavrin’s recovery, they find that several pages have been ripped out (obscuring Alestyr’s visits). Clues gained in the earlier part of the investigation should point towards Gavrin as the murderer.
Alternatively they could visit the local Korranberg Chronicle office and use social skills on the local reporters for information, or use the Research to peruse the archives themselves. Either way the party can gain a copy of an old story reporting on the crash, as well as a listing of the survivors. The list is missing Alestyr’s name however, due to a strategic inkblot.
With the list of survivors in hand and a suspect, the PCs will likely seek out the remaining survivors to warn them and/or seek to ambush Gavrin. They will find that the remaining survivors have all abruptly left their normal lives behind and gone into hiding. At this point a messenger will deliver a letter from Wultram ir’Kessler, inviting them to his mansion on the outskirts of town to discuss the murders. If the PC’s visit Wultram’s mansion before this invitation, armed guards at the gate turn them away.
Once within the ir’Kessler Mansion, the party will be ambushed by tsochar-led cultists of the Dragon Below, seeking to eliminate the PCs for casting light on their affairs. Also present are guard dogs with the pseudonatural template, Dolgrim and a Dolgaunt.
Once free of the slaughter at the Mansion, the PCs will be summoned by Alestyr to a meeting at his office. Alestyr starts to tell the PCs that he has uncovered Gavrin’s hideout when Gavrin himself dimension doors into the room and attacks him. The PCs can drive off Gavrin fairly easily, as he dimension doors out of the room once he has grappled the unconscious Alestyr.
The PCs can chase Gavrin through the streets or go through Alestyr’s office, either way they can eventually discover that Gavrin’s hideout is a warehouse on the outskirts of town.
Once in the warehouse, the PCs will have to deal with thugs hired by Gavrin, as well as multiple Blast Disks. Gavrin is interrogating Alestyr on the second floor of the warehouse, and he heads up to the roof when the explosions turn the warehouse into an inferno. Gavrin has turned the interior walls of the warehouse into a notebook of sorts, scrawling his notes in chalk and paint on the walls as he continued along his quest to find and slay the tsochari.
The climatic final fight happens on the roof of the warehouse, with sections of the roof collapsing and other sections erupting in flames. The PCs will have to deal with Gavrin as well as try to rescue Alestyr. Gavrin will rant and rave as he fights, shouting things like: “I’m a hero! The voices told me there is still 1 tsochar left!” If the PCs can reason with Gavrin through an amazingly high diplomacy check, he’ll throw himself into the flames in remorse.
After the battle is over, Alestyr will thank the PCs and reward them appropriately. After this however, the PCs will come into possession of information (from either the Asylum or Korranberg Chronicles) that points to Alestyr being a survivor of the crash as well, and therefore the logical candidate for the last tsochar that Gavrin was raving about during the final fight. The adventure ends with the PCs wondering if they were fighting on the side of good or evil this time.
Estimates: 10 000 words and 3 maps. Multi-level map of the warehouse, map of Vedykar and map of the Mansion.
Here's my latest rejection, because it was too similar to something already in the pipeline (so sayeth Sutter):(I bet it's "Requiem of the Shadow Serpent," from #139. I was reading the adventure last night and wondered where I had seen something similar in the past few days. :)
Sorry, Medesha. I'm sure this means that my next brilliant proposal will get axed because you've gotten the green light on something similar. That said, please don't use the gorbel; it's my personal mission to bring back this forgotten gem of the old Fiend Folio...
Apparently this one was similar to something already in the pipe.
Oops...
::Whistles, looks at sky, whistles more, looks at shoes, whistles more::
Look at the time. I gotta thing.
GGG
My latest reject.
Obviously this thread has been getting a lot of traffic, but I'd appreciate whatever commentary you all could take the time for.
The Oak Under the Earth
An Epic adventure proposal
by Sam Brown (email address blah blah)
Background
Tylaes Laevian was born to guard over one of the great havenwoods. He was born without the tiniest spark of magic in him. To fulfill his duties, Tylaes offered himself to the earth spirit Grn Gr Jhrl. In return, his people were cared for all of their days. His strength was of the earth, and by that strength he hid his lands from a passing army, and fought off Fask, fourth apprentice of Acererak.
He was undefeatable.
He was incorruptible.
His master
was not.
Tylaes is kept alive yet in pieces a mile under the earth. Grn Gr Jhrl, now corrupted into the service of Fask, has called his thrall home. Tylaes’ treehome stands in a pocket in the stone miles below the earth. Therein his body lies scattered yet living. A torment is set for each fragment of Tylaes, to bring on the day that his mind breaks and his soul will swear service to Fask.
Intended party: 4 21st level adventurers.
Adventure
The party could find they need Tylaes for any number of reasons. Perhaps he is the only one who ever found the weakness of another of their quest enemies, or it was he who was entrusted with hiding an artifact they now need. Fask does not appear directly in the adventure, and can easily be replaced with an ongoing campaign villain. In this case, the whole setup may be a trap for the party. Investigation, by divination or other means, leads the party to Tylaes’ underground prison.
The adventure is a series of set pieces as the party must visit each room of the oakhome to retrieve the fragment of Tylaes therein in order to reassemble and heal the tortured elf. The party may explore the rooms in any order.
Approach (EL19)
The oakhome rests at the end of a bridge within a carved pocket under the earth. Surrounding the chasm is a maze of tunnels whose echoes on the astral plane confuse teleportation. Those who can’t make epic spellcraft checks to navigate the maze will land within it. There, the party is hunted by the 11 purple worms that carved the maze.
Walkway (EL special)
A party entering through the front door will first see Tylaes’ bones, hanging as a chandelier from the ceiling. The bones are tied under spring-loaded tension into a complex knot around his still-beating heart. Snakes crawls in and out of the knot, and razor-sharp adamantine wire holds it together. Getting rid of the snakes if a prerequisite for performing the disable device checks needed to unknot the bones without being slashed by the wire or reducing the heart to bits.
Music Room (EL21)
In this room, a chamber orchestra of animate instruments plays an intoxicating tune for the ears of Tylaes. It would seem to be a portion of the divine symphony, if not for maddening stretches of discord. A party that thinks the symphony is meant to torture the elf may learn that the melody was chosen to turn his rescuers on each other. Divine casters, those most in tune with the heavenly chorus, may be driven berserk to hear it butchered so.
Kitchen (EL special)
A swarm of earth mephits torment the guts of Tylaes, using brooms and mops to batter various foul concoctions through his throat and innards. The mephits play roughly with the party. Alert adventurers notice the mephits are devious; a dozen of the little creatures crawl over and distract a party member for each one that tries to make off with a vital piece of equipment. (i.e. the mephits make massively aided Sleight of Hand checks to pickpocket the party.)
Workshop (EL 21)
Here the remaining viscera and fragments of Tylaes are scattered over the shelves in various jars. Other jars rock themselves off the shelves to shatter on the floor grenade style, releasing swarms of illithid larvae. The larvae are little threat to an epic party; the huge (50 HD, CR21) iron golem around the corner that they infest and control is.
Study (EL 20)
Rows of severed hands scribe side-by-side here. One is the true right hand of Tylaes. The rest are imposters that scrawl deceptions, insults, and scrolls of attack spells targeted at the party. The party must find and secure the real hand before escaping or blasting the room.
Bedroom (EL19)
A bed is nestled in the uppermost branches of the tree, shielded by leaves that would turn and fold together to steer night breezes and shape rain into a bather’s waterfall. Autumn colors flicker over the leaves, forming a flowing tapestry of scenes to lull a wearied mind to sleep. Now controlled by a trio of Nightshades that hide amidst the branches, the leaves play nightmarish visions before the lidless eyes of Tylaes. The nightshades use dispel magic and their crush item ability to do away with any light sources throughout the ensuing combat.
Departure (EL 23)
Grn Gr Jhrl (Elder Earth Elemental Sorcerer 24) waits until all his traps have failed to destroy the party before risking himself. He makes a final, personal attempt to foil the rescue when it becomes clear that the party is about to escape with the broken elf.
Reward Summary: Standard value & distribution. (~641,000gp value)
Signature mementos include:
The cursed, giant black opal that corrupted Grn.
The Golem’s enchanted shield arm.
The adamantine thread that held Tylaes’ bones together. (Recraftable into an adamantine dancing whip +3)
Scrollwriter’s ink from the study. (Allows the rapid scribing of up to 60,000gp in scrolls.)
Estimated Length: 10,000 words
Map Count: 1. (The oakhome)
Apparently this one was similar to something already in the pipe.
Oops...
::Whistles, looks at sky, whistles more, looks at shoes, whistles more::
Look at the time. I gotta thing.
GGG
Please tell me it's just the devil angle :) Cuz if you've got an adventure about azer monks on a glacier that means one of us is the evil twin of the other...
(and I look terrible with a goatee :) )
Apparently this one was similar to something already in the pipe.
Oops...
::Whistles, looks at sky, whistles more, looks at shoes, whistles more::
Look at the time. I gotta thing.
GGGPlease tell me it's just the devil angle :) Cuz if you've got an adventure about azer monks on a glacier that means one of us is the evil twin of the other...
(and I look terrible with a goatee :) )
That would be telling. But you will probably recognize it when you see it (a good long while from now).
GGG
PS Actually they were cold substituted azer barbarians living in a yurt in the middle of a desert who were under the spell of some Guardinals. ;)
PPS I could probably pull off the goatee, assuming I could ever grow one.
Alright Zherog, here's my unproven, unprofessional opinion:
>>snip lots of cool feedback crammed into one paragraph<<
Thanks for the feedback - I certainly appreciate it.
As a general rule of thumb, I'm in the same boat as Amber - I'm tired of adventures that try to pull off a Sixth Sense-eqsue ending that totally shocks and surprises.
Now, that said, your "twist" of the earthquake uncovering a forgotten shrine to Yeenoghu isn't bad at all, and probably would've made for a great addition to the adventure. In fact, based on the comments I had from Jeremy in the reply e-mail, it might've helped. He basically said that while they like gnolls, they have another adventure coming up that features them; and nothing in this adventure - other than the werehyena - was really distinctive enough to warrant doing another gnoll adventure.
That said, I know how tough it is making up low level dungeons, I'm in the middle of a 1st level query myself. Incidentally, I think gnolls are a great choice.
Yeah, this query started off at 2nd level; once I decided on the werehyena, that pretty much made it so I had to push it to 3rd level - and that could even be too low, actually.
I like low level adventures - but I'm finding it's much easier to design them for my players than for a broad audience.
Alright Zherog, here's my unproven, unprofessional opinion:
>>snip lots of cool feedback crammed into one paragraph<<
Thanks for the feedback - I certainly appreciate it.
As a general rule of thumb, I'm in the same boat as Amber - I'm tired of adventures that try to pull off a Sixth Sense-eqsue ending that totally shocks and surprises.
I totally agree with you on that one. I'm sick of dungeons with these convoluted stories. I wasn't suggesting a big Sixth Sense shocker, just something to catch the players off gaurd. I like to take a simple idea, then put a bit of a twist on it.
Yeah, this query started off at 2nd level; once I decided on the werehyena, that pretty much made it so I had to push it to 3rd level - and that could even be too low, actually.
I like low level adventures - but I'm finding it's much easier to design them for my players than for a broad audience.
No kidding. Making adventures for your own group is a lot easier than for publication. All those house rules ya gotta forget about. Me, I like all levels, but I'm really partial to a good high level dungeon.
If anyone has some time, I'd appreciate any criticism or comments on either of my two latest failed queries (Horror out of Time and/or Fallen Heroes).
Especially Fallen Heroes, as it made it past the Gatekeeper, but got shot down in the meeting.
Likewise, I'll try and post some comments/criticism of some of the other recently posted queries this weekend.
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And related questions: What is your success rate for getting past the Gatekeeper? How often do you submit queries/How many queries do you send in a month?
A. I've had 2/5 queries (all sent in the last 6 months) make it past the Gatekeeper. I plan to submit more frequent queries soon though, as I have a notebook full of ideas, and less distractions this season (new house, new job, my wife being pregnant with our first child, all those kinda distracted me during the spring/summer)
Talion, I was really blown away by your query style.
I've always tried to write my queries as if I'm conjuring the back page of a novel. Basically I avoid using any real world references and try to have the whole thing read more like a story (as if you were reading it from Dungeon itself).
However your query just made so much sense. I don't know which style helps or is preferred more by the Gods of the Gate, but I'm definately giving my own approach a rethink.
Keep up the good work.
If anyone has some time, I'd appreciate any criticism or comments on either of my two latest failed queries (Horror out of Time and/or Fallen Heroes).
Especially Fallen Heroes, as it made it past the Gatekeeper, but got shot down in the meeting.
Wow, was that solid! A great story, well presented in a clear, logical format. I love the discovery after the climax of the potential infestation of Alestyr, the former criminal investigator and the PC's patron. You achieve closure and ambiguity in the same stroke. Sweet! I'm also captivated by the "villain's" almost reasonable justification for his murders. And you've provided the PCs with alternate ways to achieve some of the necessary steps, which I always appreciate.
I can't see many objectionable elements. Perhaps the editors balked at the story's linear format because it's a tad inflexible. This seems unlikely, however, because all criminal-investigation adventures need such a structure, and, as I mentioned, you diligently provided multiple avenues to several events. Your setting isn't exotic or intrinsically thrilling. The adventure doesn't take the PCs anywhere to which the players would have to respond, "Wow! Cool!" But you need a city for a criminal investigation like this, and your film-noir atmoshpere fits Eberron perfectly.
All that leaves as bases for objection that I can see are length and similarity to other adventures. We've had a bunch of criminal investigations published recently, even in Eberron, so that might have been a factor.
Did the editors tell you why they didn't green-light this one?
All in all, a fantastic effort. Keep shooting off proposals this solid and they've got to bite soon.
-Ted
If anyone has some time, I'd appreciate any criticism or comments on either of my two latest failed queries (Horror out of Time and/or Fallen Heroes).
Especially Fallen Heroes, as it made it past the Gatekeeper, but got shot down in the meeting.
I have one more thought.
The most gripping, horrific event in your entire storyline is the crash and the grotesque eruption of the monstrosities from the bodies tumbled amidst the wreckage, and their search among the injured and dying for new hosts. Images from the scene that will stick with me all day.
The PCs don't get to participate in that scene. Instead, like a good Call of Cthulhu investigation, the PCs, through their investigation, piece together the horror that has already occurred. That's a perfect set-up for Call of Cthulhu, where many of the worst things should be left to the imagination to create a deeper sence of horror. But for D&D, where the PCs' physical involvement is the key at all times, maybe the adventure would have been stronger if you gave the PCs an encounter on a grand scale that is comparably rich in horror and mayhem.
- Ted
Did the editors tell you why they didn't green-light this one?
Too similar to something, I beleive is what Talion09 wrote. In my mind this sounds like a murder mystery set in a city/Sharn (which we've had three of since the creation of Eberron) combined with the something James mentioned in his editorial this month that is coming down the pipe in next year. So no, not a bad way to get rejected it means you've come one step closer to figuring out the style and content of what the editors are looking for now you just have to find an idea that hasn't been pitched recently.
Good luck next time around Talion09,
GGG
I have not submitted any proposals for several months, but of the two rejected queries that the editors singled out as close but not close enough (the query I posted about the modrons was one of them), one was a South Pacific themed jungle trek, rescue mission featuring a climatic battle with dinosaurs. Go figure!!!
If anyone has some time, I'd appreciate any criticism or comments on either of my two latest failed queries (Horror out of Time and/or Fallen Heroes).
Hey Talion09,seeing as Fallen Heroes has pretty well been covered I'll make some comments on "Horror Out of Time". I'm a huge fan of using aboleth in my games (I just finished my 3rd edtionized Night Below campaign...whew!) so this one caught my eye.
1) Bakground info: I can see you put a lot of thought into this adventure, maybe a little too much. There is a lot of stuff to cover here: BG for the aboleth city, the merman city, the Eldritch Machine (which I think is a really cool idea).This would eat a lot of space just explaining everything.2) Pacing: It sounds like a pretty frantic adventure, with a lot of mass combat and very little downtime. I like how you start things off with a bang, but too much of a good thing can turn on you.
3) Ending: Nicely done, but where does the Pit Fiend fit into all this? Also, as much as I like the time warp effects, the whole "everything goes back to the way it was" part has gotta go. I think the editors frown on stuff that fixes everything for the players.
All in all, I liked your idea. I think if you tweaked some areas you should try re-submitting. One last thing: you might want to consider replacing the kraken with something else, the aboleth/kraken tag-team was done in "The Styes".