I frequently gloss over the rewards unless they are significant (ie. something other than gold pieces) and I probably shouldn't.
I gloss over the common stuff, too. I'll generally say, "NPCs are equipped appropriately for their level," or something similar.
But your adventure idea here has other "rewards" that are sitting there. If they're successful, it seems they can gain an "in" with Merrix, and perhaps an enmity with Zorlan. Plus there's the chance for an enmity - or possibly even admiration, depending how it goes - with Dagger or even the Lord of Blades.
I find those sorts of things worth pointing out, because they're "rewards" that a DM can use in future adventures.
Of course, I've received nothing but rejections on adventure queries so far - so take my advice with a grain of salt. ;)
-- John
Hey teknohippy- This is really really good writing. The stuff I am reading on this thread is making me try harder to improve my storytelling ability. The final encounter is great...probably would have taken a lot of words to describe all the action that is going on!
The true nature or the fihyrs can come from the party via suitable Knowledge checks, or a Gather Information check can find a local expert.
This is the only sentence that I could find to mess with in terms of grammar...'or' should be 'of' and 'from' should be 'to'...right?!?!? Otherwise very well put together. I think the thing that might have killed it is the vague-ness of the fihyrs. How many combine to make a CR15 monster, which would destroy the 5th level party. I always skipped over this guy when reading the MMII, but it's a cool monster. I think if there was an "Ecology of..." article synergy with Dragon Mag, that explained the tremendous difficulty for the little guys to band together to make the giant blob...I think the ed's were afraid. OoooooooOOOooooOOooooOoOo!
His employer will pay for passage on the next airship to Korth.
Obviously recently beaten, the man reveals that the mission has become more complex.
Enemies of Baron Merrix d’Cannith have been alerted to the PCs objective,
It's those pesky passive sentences. grrrrrrrr. 'will pay' becomes 'pays'. The other ones need some more work, I am getting sleepy.
Anyway, I got the 'rival factions' thing. I just changed them to rival thieves' guilds in my head.
I will claim ignorance though on Dagger, is it a widely known NPC? The reason I ask is I had only a vague idea of the challenges that the PCs would face...living spells and warforged zealots and Dagger, but offhand I can't estimate the CR of them.
Really good twisted plot...I like that stuff, but a list of monsters (and, like Zherog said, specific rewards) could have pushed this into the actaul subs meeting.
Hey teknohippy- This is really really good writing.
Thanks
The true nature or the fihyrs can come from the party via suitable Knowledge checks, or a Gather Information check can find a local expert.This is the only sentence that I could find to mess with in terms of grammar...'or' should be 'of' and 'from' should be 'to'...right?!?!?
Wrong, but badly written all the same, if you misunderstood it.
The gist is, knowledge of what a fihry is can either come from Knowledge checks performed by the party, or the party can make Gather Information checks to locate a local expert.
As I mentioned over in the Black Hole, one of my most recent queries was rejected. I knew going into it that I was dancing awfully close to the "save the girl from the dragon" plot that's a big no-no. I was hoping the twists I put on the old classic were enough to stir up some interest. They weren't. :( I was told, though, that it's well written - so that's a bonus.
So, aside from the, "Dude! Are you @#$!% insane for submitting a query for something they said was off limits" type of comments, is there anything about this you would consider changing? Thanks in advance. :)
***
Mirthik’s Treasure
Mirthik Tambror, the retired gnomish bard, owns and operates the inn and taproom in this small community. Old age has dulled Mirthik’s once sharp reflexes, but his smile still comes easy, his songs are still works of art, and his mind is still sharp as a caltrop. Mirthik has long since retired from adventuring – generations ago by human standards. Rumors always persisted that the wily old gnome made a fortune while adventuring, but when asked, Mirthik simply smiles, buys a round of drinks on the house, and tells glorious tales of his adventures decades ago. And all the while, his daughter is by his side.
The truth is, Mirthik did in fact find a great treasure – one that lead directly to him retiring in this sleepy little town. Mirthik’s last adventure would make a wonderful bard’s tale, had he not sworn an oath of secrecy. While exploring in the nearby mountains, Mirthik stumbled upon a furious battle between a gold and red dragon. The gnome, scared as he was, didn’t hesitate to jump to the aid of the gold dragon, and the combined might of the bard and the metallic dragon was enough to destroy the red. But not without a cost. The gold dragon, Yzridella, suffered fatal wounds. With her dying breath, she implored Mirthik to raise her hatchling.
That was 60 years ago. All of that time, the hatchling, named Yzlinya, posed as Mirthik’s daughter. The two lived quite comfortably off the treasures from Yzridella’s hoard. Yzlinya and Mirthik worked hard to conceal her true identity, and the young dragon rarely assumed her natural form. When asked about his daughter’s mother, Mirthik would simply answer she was slain while adventuring and quickly change the subject.
Now, however, the slain red dragon’s son has kidnapped Yzlinya. He seeks revenge for the death of his mother, and has spent the last 60 years perfecting his plot and feeding his anger. The dragon expects he can lure Mirthik to his lair, where he can slowly and painfully destroy the gnome and the gold dragon at his leisure. Mirthik, of course, is distraught, and worries greatly about the fate of his adopted daughter. He believes, however, that he’s too frail to take on the irate red dragon.
Enter the PCs. Mirthik seeks powerful allies in the hopes that he can rescue his daughter. Mirthik fears for the safety of the town, afraid of what the wraith of the red dragon would do to the sleepy little community. Mirthik is willing to provide the PCs with the few magic items he has that should prove useful; he believes he can direct the characters to the lair of the red dragon, and warns them the dragon will be expecting them.
Plot: The PCs travel to the lair of the red dragon, making their way past his minions and traps. They confront the mature adult red dragon in the main room of his lair, defeat him, and rescue Yzlinya from the special anti-magic cage where her captor kept her. The PCs return Yzlinya to her anxiously awaiting father, and celebrate the happy reunion.
Important Foes: The primary foe of this adventure is a conniving mature adult red dragon. His statistics will include several feats and spells from the Draconomicon, which should serve to make him different enough from the standard red dragon published in the Monster Manual for PCs who memorize stats.
Numerous traps litter the dragon’s lair. These should prove dangerous to PCs who fail to take caution while exploring the lair. Many of these traps will utilize acid, as the dragon is well aware that foes are likely to prepare to face fire.
Several of the dragon’s allies will challenge the PCs along the way. Among them will be a beholder advanced to CR 13. The beholder and the dragon long ago formed a pact for mutual protection, and have since shared space within the mountain lair. For its part, the beholder is dissatisfied with the arrangements lately; with the right offer, the PCs could bribe it to allow safe passage. It won’t, however, aid the PCs and would rather flee than fight to the death. Should the beholder flee, it won’t hesitate to attack the weakened PCs after they defeat the dragon, thereby claiming the dragon’s treasure, the PCs equipment, and the entire lair for itself.
The red dragon’s other key allies are comprised of a cluster of salamanders, including two nobles that lead the cluster. These salamanders gleefully work for the dragon in exchange for access to his lava pool. The salamanders fight to the death defending their home.
Rewards: The primary reward for completing “Mirthik’s Treasure” is the impressive hoard of the red dragon. The dragon, of course, will use several of the items in his hoard to boost his power. In addition, the salamanders and beholder will have appropriate treasure rewards.
Mirthik can bestow a reward upon the PCs, and is willing to provide part of it up front in the form of wands and scrolls he has. Mirthik will negotiate in good faith with the PCs to strike a fair deal; he hopes the PCs will take on the task for the sake of doing a good deed and acquiring a dragon’s hoard, but if he needs to sweeten the deal he can offer each PC gems and jewelry worth up to 5,000 gold pieces each. In addition, the PCs will always have a free place to stay, eat, and drink at his inn.
Estimates: “Mirthik’s Treasure” requires approximately 12,500 words, and is designed for 16th level characters – but should be easily scalable. The adventure needs four maps. The first map provides a “big picture” of the dragon’s lair. The second map details encounter areas with the salamander; the third map is for the beholder’s lair within the mountain. The final map will focus on the likely location of the decisive battle with the red dragon. In addition, the article will include a sidebar that presents DMs with results of various Knowledge checks, such as bardic knowledge or Knowledge (history), as well as the results of several divination spells that ought to be available to the PCs.
That was 60 years ago. All of that time, the hatchling, named Yzlinya, posed as Mirthik’s daughter. The two lived quite comfortably off the treasures...
As I learned from last time I'm not good at the whole critique thing, it's a skill set I've never tried to develop. However, I do have a suggestion for an alternate approach.
Have you ever thought of trying this notion as a short story? Don't know if you've ever given fiction a whack (my stack of rejection letters grows ever higher :) ) but it's at least as fun as adventure writing :) .
Here's what I'm thinking. Change the gnome into a human, and the dragon/daughter into a beautiful maiden. Have a handsome prince type come to the inn and try to woo her. Maybe she doesn't know she's a dragon, and the innkeeper seems like a standard foil trying to block the romance for no good reason, let the tale evolve from there.
There's an interesting story here, give it a try :)
I still like it Z. Re-scanning briefly over it now though the actual adventure section looks like it's only one paragraph.
There's a lack of what you expect the PCs to actually get to do.
Sorry, I didn't see this post till today. This stuff is really well written, but a little longer than the 1000-word cap.
This sentence is the only thing my Word program picked up as a fragment...
...destroy the red. But not without a cost.
That's not bad at all...and you have only 1% passive voice. As GGG has said in other critiques, there is a lot of words before we get to see the PCs enter. I love all the backstory, but I am finding out the ed's don't need to see that much story.
I think if you restructured the form you are using and have the 'Plot' section first and reworded it somehow, that would let the ed's see the PCs involvement quicker. Having the 'Estimates' section at the bottom is a great idea...it is necessary info but not that thrilling to read.
Teknohippy hit on the biggest thing, I think. A more detailed section of what the PCs do when they get to the caves might have pushed this proposal thru to the meeting.
I considered this my "best to date" (an honour that usually my most recent fantastic idea gains), but it was shot down recently:
Working Title: The Fortress of Aquileth
Plot Synopsis: Well known places and people are suddenly disappearing. Cities, prominent mages, age old relics, and entire species of animals – all are suddenly gone from their usual habitat. The most shocking aspect of these occurrences, however, is that no one apparently seems to notice.
“The Fortress of Aquileth” will provide a short (7-8000 words) but high level (15-20) adventure. It can be based in any setting. All other details are entirely malleable, as specified below and the adventure can be dropped into practically any setting or campaign. Also featured are monsters from the Fiend Folio and the Monsters Manual.
Adventure Background: A powerful Chronotyryn (CR 19, p.33 Fiend Folio) named Larmaxus, has found and activated an ancient device – the temporal augmenter. Combining this arcane tool with his species already considerable power he has been able take control of time itself. Yet the effect is only localized. It doesn’t for some reason change the complete timeline. It can only alter the history of a small area (around 2 miles square) with the effect weakening the further out it goes.
Larmaxus does not know why this is so. Instead he has been running experiments such as using the device to kill the founders of a town that what would eventually become a prominent city. Other work includes changing the very primordial essences of certain beings, including giants, and other races. Despite the quite incredible damage he has already done Larmaxus isn’t satisfied. His work continues in hope of making the effect of the augmenter more widespread. After that, he can recreate the entire world in his own devious image.
Adventure Hooks: This adventure can begin in a number of ways -
1. The characters are heading to a nearby city to re-supply, answer a summons or continue a previous quest. Upon reaching the typical location of the city (via transport or teleportation), they discover it to be gone. There is no trace of this city what so ever. The inhabitants of a local farmstead, if approached and questioned, will say that no such city ever existed. Note that any maps the players have will confirm that it does exist and that they are in the correct place.
2. The characters are fighting a particular monster or foe. During the combat this creatures’ physiology changes dramatically. No one knows why. (This could be perhaps used in conjunction with scenario 1 or 3.)
3. The characters, nearing the aforementioned city suddenly become dizzy and black out. After about a minute they awaken. The city on the horizon is gone and the characters have no memory of knowledge of such a place. They can’t answer what they are doing in this random place or say where they are going. Perhaps the only clue will lie in any map or historical text that a character may have kept in a magical container (such as a bag of holding). These writings are not affected by the magic and show the city and the players, should they realize this, will gain an ad-hoc experience award.
4. Some of the more magically sensitive characters may feel the effects even if they are across the world (a high DC spellcraft check).
The Story: The weirdness continues the following occurs to the PC’s:
They witness local plant and animal life grow, evolve, age, die and generally act very strangely. One tree itself changes so radically (into a huge CR 16 Ironmaw) it attacks the PC’s. One character is even affected and they age (or de-age) rapidly. The effect is reversed after an hour or so or by moving a mile away from the area. While moving a character trips over a piece of gold-tinted metal jutting from the ground. Digging this up reveals the heavily rusted form of a Quarut, an inevitable charged with the protection of Time itself. It is clearly very old, though still active. Before shutting down completely it says “Aquileth” and, as a final act, casts geas/quest on the party (CL 18, DC 26).
Any character with Knowledge local or Knowledge dungeoneering will recognise the name Aquileth. It refers to a floating cloud giant fortress nearby. The PC’s can venture here by any means possible, be it a fly spell, a summoned creature who can fly, teleport, dimensional door etc. However should they lack these means, the fortress itself is moored to a nearby mountain by an immense chain. Several cumulative Climb checks (DC 20) will be needed to make to scale this obstacle.
Aquileth itself is a darkened stone citadel jutting from the remains of a floating island of rock. Suspended via powerful magic, this castle is apparently the home of a local giant king. The fortress itself is divided up into three floors, with four towers rising up another two. The first floor is patrolled by six augmented (twisted into foul and evil beings by the temporal augmenter) cloud giants (CR 14) and features a meeting hall, a feasting room, a barracks and a stairway leading down to a dungeon. The dungeon itself is empty except for the skeletal remains of a humanoid (whom still holds Jomnoth Giantblight, an intelligent waraxe p.271 DMG) and a spectral lurker (CR 17) hiding in the corner.
The second floor is predominantly the throne room of the cloud king. Twisted from the guise of a proud and resplendent being into the evil guise of a shadow giant (CR 18). He is protected by two other cloud giants. The floor above has been cordoned off by Larmaxus and is protected by two blackstone gigants (CR 18). Three of the four towers lead merely to a library, sleeping quarters and a mages study. The fourth and highest tower is open aired. Here, with the temporal augmenter, is Larmaxus. If the characters defeat him all is reverted to normal - The fortress, the cities, the plants, the animals, even the quarut and the cloud giants. Indeed the giants are severely displeased with the sudden appearance of the adventurers. However, using dimension door, the quarut from earlier appears to thank and reward the group, as well as to check of Larmaxus’ final fate. How the players get out of the giant situation, though, is entirely up to them…
So, any comments?
I don't have nearly enough experience of running such high level adventures so I'm not really the best to comment on things that are specific to them.
The story itself I certainly find interesting, as well as the use of some of less ubiquitous monsters.
The most exiciting and dramatic sounding bit is climbing the chain from mountainside to fortress. Which unfortunately isn't something, as you say, a high level party will likely need to be doing.
The chain thing does sounds cool and exciting. I always try to get the most cool and exciting bit to be the final scenes before the wrapping up denoument at the end.
"If the characters defeat him", doesn't tell me anything about how much fun this final battle could be. Does he use the temporal doodad during combat? How does that work? Perhaps he recovers damage by using a localised "reverse time" effect on receiving a successful hit. What's the doodad look like, is it small, large, fills the room? Maybe it is so big you are actually fighting the final battle on it, or you have to climb it to get to the "control room".
Those are the kind of hooks for the editors I try to throw in.
Help people conjure up in their mind's eye what it would be like sitting round the table playing/running this with their group.
Mind you, I am an unpublished nobody, so none of this comes from any experience of what does work, it is all just conjecture based on me putting myself in the editors shoes.
Cheers
Iain.
Here's my fourth query, which met the same fate as the previous three. James was kind enough to provide a reason: this adventure is essentially one encounter, and therefore too short. That doesn't mean, though, that there's stuff I can't learn by sharing it, so here goes:
Mertvyn's Circus
Mertvyn’s Traveling Circus has always been popular; a recent acquisition, however, has increased the show’s popularity even beyond the cagey half-elf’s wildest dreams. A mermaid named Mynasaytya went on display at the show’s latest stop. Scores of folks came from miles around to lay eyes on the mythical beauty from the sea. Back on the coast, the other merfolk insist Mertvyn is holding their friend against her will, and implore upon the PCs to set her free. Things aren’t exactly what they seem, though. Do the PCs have what it takes to find the truth and set things right?
History: Mertvyn is a half-elven sorcerer who faced death while adventuring too often for his liking, and sought a safer way to make his fortune. While sitting around the fire one evening with his companions, Mertvyn hit upon the idea that they could capture the odd creatures and put them on display, rather than killing them. His friends told him he was crazy, but Mertvyn thought otherwise. He left his adventuring group behind, and set out to acquire odd creatures for his traveling show.
Now a dozen years later, Mertvyn’s troupe is popular as it makes its way through the countryside, stopping several times a week to allow people to pay their hard earned coin to see the creatures. Mertvyn spins tales of harrowing adventures undertaken to capture the beasts – most of them wild exaggerations or outright lies. Most people understand that, but enjoy the show for what it is anyway.
Recently, Mertvyn’s travels took him near the sea; there, he acquired a mermaid, named Mynasaytya, to take part in his show. He set about building her a tank large enough to ensure her comfort, and regales patrons with tales of how he rescued the mermaid from the clutches of fishermen, then seduced the young lady. Mertvyn insists the mermaid willingly joined his troupe; if directly asked, Mynasaytya never denies it – though she never confirms it, either.
The merfolk tell a different tale. They tell of how Mertvyn subdued Mynasaytya. They insist the mermaid is unhappy, and Mertvyn should return her to the sea. The half-elf, of course, refuses. The merfolk have gathered pearls and coral from the sea, and offer the significant pile of gems to any PC group willing to rescue the maiden from the clutches of the half-elf.
The truth: As usual, the truth of the matter lies somewhere betwixt the two tales. Mertvyn did in fact rescue Mynasaytya from a fisherman’s net; the truth of the matter, however, is that he himself cast the net, looking to capture interesting fish and other small sea creatures to put on display. When Mertvyn found he had captured a mermaid instead, he immediately realized the value she would bring to his traveling show. He pretended to rescue her from the clutches of a careless fisherman’s net, and then cast charm person on her. The wily showman made sure to renew the effects of the charm person spell often. Mertvyn used a combination of his natural charms and the effects of the magic to convince the mermaid to join him. She believes he is truly her friend, and that her presence in his show is aiding him; however, Mynasaytya is homesick, and longs to rejoin her friends and family in the sea. She never voices this, though, for fear of hurting her friend.
Plot: The merfolk approach the PCs and offer a substantial reward if they rescue their kidnapped friend. The PCs track down the traveling show – not a difficult task – and secure the release of the mermaid. They travel back to the coast with the mermaid, and reunite her with her friends and family.
Important foes: The most important foe the PCs face is Mertvyn, a 5th level half-elf sorcerer. Mertvyn specializes in spells from the illusion and enchantment schools, but has a few wands at his disposal for offensive fire power.
Mertvyn is not afraid to use creatures from his bestiary to fend off an attack. The most likely beast the PCs face is a krenshar that Mertvyn had trained. Mertvyn releases the krenshar from its cage at night, and prowls the tent that stores the animals. Other creatures the PCs could face include a choker, a harpy, and a pair of shocker lizards.
Finally, Mertvyn employs six thugs who guard his property. At any given time, four thugs are on duty while the remaining two rest. Thugs range in levels from one through three and have levels of fighter, rogue, or ranger. The thugs are loyal to Mertvyn’s gold, and will betray him if they receive a better deal.
Rewards: The merfolk offer the PCs pearls and coral worth a total of 4,000 gp for the safe return of Mynasaytya.
Should the PCs opt to rescue the mermaid by fighting Mertvyn, they can recover his magic items. More interesting, however, would be the sundry creatures Mertvyn has in his traveling show. Aside from the creatures mentioned above, Mertvyn has a few wild animals – such as a black bear, a wolf, and a leopard. These animals are still wild, and might make interesting animal companions for a druid or ranger.
If Mertvyn survives, he will certainly seek revenge against the PCs at a later time, making for a possible long term villain in a DM’s campaign.
Mertvyn’s guards will be equipped appropriately for their level.
Estimates: Mertvyn’s Circus is designed for 3rd level characters and requires 5500 words. The adventure requires three maps. The first is an overland map showing the current location of the circus in relation to the mermaid’s home. The second map details the circus grounds. The final map displays Mertvyn’s living quarters within the circus grounds. The adventure’s text will accommodate PCs that wish to negotiate the mermaid’s release as well as those who opt to free her by force.
I think the "plot" section is too short - much like some of my previous queries. Making matters worse this time, though, is the fact that it doesn't appear until the second page of the query.
I generally like my format, though I think I'll play around with rearranging it a bit next time. Specifically, I think that after the introductory paragraph, I'll jump right into the plot. After the plot section, I'll go into the background. This will (hopefuilly) have two consequences. First, it puts the PCs up front, showing the editors the action right away. Second, it forces me to focus more on plot and less on background.
Any comments on this one would be greatly appreciated. Neeklus - I hope to be able to spend a few minutes on yours later today. ;)
Got a chance to do so sooner than I expected.
Here's some good things I liked about your query, Neeklus:
Some negative-type things:
...as a final act, casts geas/quest on the party
I won't speak for anybody else, but when I'm a player, I don't want to do an adventure because I've had geas cast on me. The better thing here is to have the inevitable plead with the party to undertake the quest.
Combining this arcane tool with his species already considerable power...
The word species here denotes ownership. As such, you need an apostrophe; this is one of those weird cases, but I think the apostrophe would go on the end of the word with nothing after it - "species'."
Yet the effect is only localized. It doesn’t for some reason change the complete timeline. It can only alter the history of a small area (around 2 miles square) with the effect weakening the further out it goes.
This probably could've been said in fewer words. I often have the same problem myself. In addition, it uses the dreaded passive voice ("is only localized"). You could reword something like this to say, for example, "The Temporal Augmenter only seems capable of altering the timeline within a 2 square mile area at one time. Areas further away remain unaffected."
No passive, probably a little more clear, and fewer words (which could be used to describe the gizmo itself ;) ).
...such as using the device to kill the founders of a town that what would eventually become a prominent city.
You either have too many words here, or you're missing some words. Taking out the word "what" makes sense - unless there was something else you wanted to say in there.
"If the characters defeat him", doesn't tell me anything about how much fun this final battle could be. Does he use the temporal doodad during combat? How does that work? Perhaps he recovers damage by using a localised "reverse time" effect on receiving a successful hit. What's the doodad look like, is it small, large, fills the room? Maybe it is so big you are actually fighting the final battle on it, or you have to climb it to get to the "control room".
This is an awesome piece of advice - both when it talks about the doodad, and about the final battle. Give me more on the magical time distorter thingy - what's it look like, can it be used against the PCs in battle, and so on. Give me more on that final encounter. You set it up really cool, then more or less glossed over it.
So there it is. I liked the setup - it sounds fun.
-- John
Thanks for all the comments people. They're most appreciated.
<3
> I think the "plot" section is too short
Yup, if you casually scan down it appears to be only one line, although much of the plots is interspersed over the other sections.
> awesome advice
That's cheered me up. Ta.
> I think the "plot" section is too short
Yup, if you casually scan down it appears to be only one line, although much of the plots is interspersed over the other sections.
That's actually a very good observation. I definitely have parts of the plot spread through the whole query, rather than having it bundled up nice and neat in the plot section.
*makes a mental note to include more details in the plot section next query *
*makes a mental note to include more details in the plot section next query*
I shall also make a note to pick you up on it if you forget John. I myself might have another query coming together soon. It's beginning to gel in my mind more now.
To: Zherog
Re: Mertvyn's Circus
--Holy Schnikees! (or whatever Farley says in Tommy Boy). I can find nothing to criticize here. This should be published. Period. Unless, this means that I have to give up my proposal that is making it's way thru the Renton Compound and is about to meet the final boss, the pit fiend Mona.
I gotta get to work on some of my proposals and whip them into shape to compete here.
Thanks, Nomad. I'll make sure the Render sees your demand to have Circus published. :D
James told me in the reply e-mail that the reason he was rejecting it was because it was essentially one encounter. And that's essentially true if the PCs opt to negotiate to secure the mermaid's release - they go, they talk to Mertvyn, they bring the mermaid home.
I like the idea, so I'll keep it around and see if I can use the concept elsewhere.
Hey Neeklus-
I thought I posted some comments on yer proposal last night too, but apparently not. Mostly what I was going to say was I like this idea better than the one epic adventure with the storm giant castle that Dungeon published a couple years ago. But, I think what you have here is way bigger than 7-8000 words. There are at least 9 encounters in the floating castle...plus the initial encounter and the travel time to the cloud. And, the big thing will be the stat blocks. I really do like that you are using all these diff creatures, but like Z said, it eats into the word count each time. One last thing, the proposal goes over the 1000 word cap and there are ~15% passive sentences, IIRC. I'm not sure how many points get taken off for going over, but the ed's do not seem to like 'will' or 'be' verbs. It makes you try to be more descriptive with the sentences if you work to eliminate those verbs.
You should keep parts of this module and try to rework the idea. Great stuff!
To add my two-cents, the title is kinda plain. Not bad, just plain.
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In 16th century puritan America young children were encouraged and rewarded for rat catching. So say you have an evil cult who overtly has monastery on an island which has invited all the urchins from nearby parishes, villages, whatnot to hunt out all the rats on the island-- they're eating the grape vines and ruining the vinyard. The kid who catches the most rats gets a prize. When the contest is run, it so happens that a good number of the children go missing. These all happen to be orphans or street urchins; children actually claimed by their families actually go home from the rat catching event.
Unbeknownst to everybody, the urchins are being infected with wererat lycanthropy, then to be redistributed to the towns they came from as a spy network for the evil cultists.
Heathansson, I'm confused. Is this an idea you submitted that was rejected? That's what the thread is about - taking ideas that were submitted but shot down and helping folks figure out what might have caused their hopes and dreams to be dashed upon the rocks. ;)
If this is just an idea you have, it sounds interesting enough as a seed; if you're going to do a query, though, you need a lot more details for the editors. Write it up and send it in.
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Sorry dude. I do that a lot. I read your original proposal and riffed off of it and brainstormed, based on what you presented. That's me going off on a tangent. Back to earth, though. I thought the original proposal was kind of flat. I thought I'd pump some fizz into it, and see what came of it. That's all the help I can offer.
Wow; and I thought I wrote some long posts and was feeling a bit over the top; this thread makes me feel a lot better; nice posts everyone.
Sorry dude. I do that a lot. I read your original proposal and riffed off of it and brainstormed, based on what you presented. That's me going off on a tangent. Back to earth, though. I thought the original proposal was kind of flat. I thought I'd pump some fizz into it, and see what came of it. That's all the help I can offer.
A-ha! Now it all make sense! :) Most definitely an interesting twist to the original (flat ;) ) idea. Thanks. :)
Since this is the query thread I thought I would ask my question here. For Campaign Workbook submissions, is it acceptable to put the entire submission in the body of the email, and not on an attached document? I would attach the signed disclosure form, but the actual submission would be right in the email. Is this cool?
Since this is the query thread I thought I would ask my question here. For Campaign Workbook submissions, is it acceptable to put the entire submission in the body of the email, and not on an attached document? I would attach the signed disclosure form, but the actual submission would be right in the email. Is this cool?
Not to be difficult, but I'm going to say "no" to this one. Putting the query in the email itself makes it slightly (but significantly) annoying to print/file/etc. If you have the capability of writing it up in Word or some basic program like Rich Text - which I believe almost every operating system comes with these days - then we'd prefer attached in that format. If for some reason you DON'T have access to a word processing program, go ahead and put it in the body of the email, but I highly recommend you go out and purchase one ASAP. Remember, queries in an email body are questionable - manuscripts submitted that way are flat-out unacceptable. We simply don't have the time to deal with all the formatting issues it brings up.
Anyhow, hope that clears things up, and good luck!
-James
Get OpenOffice - it's free and compatible with Microsoft Word and PDF exporting is built in. Available for Windows, Linux, Mac, Solaris and FreeBSD. :-D
Since this is the query thread I thought I would ask my question here. For Campaign Workbook submissions, is it acceptable to put the entire submission in the body of the email, and not on an attached document? I would attach the signed disclosure form, but the actual submission would be right in the email. Is this cool?Not to be difficult, but I'm going to say "no" to this one. Putting the query in the email itself makes it slightly (but significantly) annoying to print/file/etc. If you have the capability of writing it up in Word or some basic program like Rich Text - which I believe almost every operating system comes with these days - then we'd prefer attached in that format. If for some reason you DON'T have access to a word processing program, go ahead and put it in the body of the email, but I highly recommend you go out and purchase one ASAP. Remember, queries in an email body are questionable - manuscripts submitted that way are flat-out unacceptable. We simply don't have the time to deal with all the formatting issues it brings up.
Anyhow, hope that clears things up, and good luck!
-James
Well, I was going to start a new thread, but since James Sutter answered this campaign workbook question...
1. For Critical Threats, what method is considered acceptable to determine attributes? 28 point buy? Elite Array?
2. Another Critical Threat question: Is it acceptable to include a short "Scaling this Threat" paragraph or sidebar about how the threat would look at higher and lower levels than it is presented? This is something I haven't seen in the Critical Threat articles I've looked at, but it appeals to me as a DM, since it makes incorporating the Critical Threat easier.
ie. The threat is presented at 12th level, and the "Scaling this Threat" paragraph details what his level progression (and feats) would be at 6th & 18th
1. For Critical Threats, what method is considered acceptable to determine attributes? 28 point buy? Elite Array?
The general rule of thumb for Dungeon is, if it has PC class levels, it gets the elite array. If it has only NPC class levels, it gets the standard array. None of that is set in stone, but it's a good guideline.
2. Another Critical Threat question: Is it acceptable to include a short "Scaling this Threat" paragraph or sidebar about how the threat would look at higher and lower levels than it is presented? This is something I haven't seen in the Critical Threat articles I've looked at, but it appeals to me as a DM, since it makes incorporating the Critical Threat easier.ie. The threat is presented at 12th level, and the "Scaling this Threat" paragraph details what his level progression (and feats) would be at 6th & 18th
You can include it if you want, but frankly, I doubt you'll have the space. We can't print a critical threat that has more than about 1,300 words, and that's usually what it takes to fill out the format.
1. For Critical Threats, what method is considered acceptable to determine attributes? 28 point buy? Elite Array?
The general rule of thumb for Dungeon is, if it has PC class levels, it gets the elite array. If it has only NPC class levels, it gets the standard array. None of that is set in stone, but it's a good guideline.
You can include it if you want, but frankly, I doubt you'll have the space. We can't print a critical threat that has more than about 1,300 words, and that's usually what it takes to fill out the format.
2. Another Critical Threat question: Is it acceptable to include a short "Scaling this Threat" paragraph or sidebar about how the threat would look at higher and lower levels than it is presented? This is something I haven't seen in the Critical Threat articles I've looked at, but it appeals to me as a DM, since it makes incorporating the Critical Threat easier.ie. The threat is presented at 12th level, and the "Scaling this Threat" paragraph details what his level progression (and feats) would be at 6th & 18th
Thanks for the quick reply.
I like the idea of having a scaling section in a critical threat, since it does make it easier to incorporate into a campaign, but I figured that it would be hard to fit into the word count... but I'll try for my query
Since this is the query thread I thought I would ask my question here. For Campaign Workbook submissions, is it acceptable to put the entire submission in the body of the email, and not on an attached document? I would attach the signed disclosure form, but the actual submission would be right in the email. Is this cool?Not to be difficult, but I'm going to say "no" to this one. Putting the query in the email itself makes it slightly (but significantly) annoying to print/file/etc. If you have the capability of writing it up in Word or some basic program like Rich Text - which I believe almost every operating system comes with these days - then we'd prefer attached in that format. If for some reason you DON'T have access to a word processing program, go ahead and put it in the body of the email, but I highly recommend you go out and purchase one ASAP. Remember, queries in an email body are questionable - manuscripts submitted that way are flat-out unacceptable. We simply don't have the time to deal with all the formatting issues it brings up.
Anyhow, hope that clears things up, and good luck!
-James
Thanks for the clarification James. I have Word, and have submitted a few Campaign Workbook pieces as attachments before, but then I started reading threads here, and at the Dragon board, and quite frankly I confused myself. All cleared up now!
Tim, Off the top of my head 8,000 words seems incredibly low for what you are suggesting here. This sounds more like 13,000+. I doubt that was the reason it was nixed. If this was submitted one or two meetings ago I would almost think that the No-Borg Clause had kicked-in.
Speaking of which, Phillip and Wolfgang both bear some small resposibility for why you may never see this beauty...The lion's share though is still mine.
Dungeon Proposal:
PERFECTION
Nirvana Comes a Moment Too Soon“Perfection” starts out sorta funny, but quickly spins into realms of horror tinged with black humor. It is a D&D adventure for 9th-level characters. It will require about 10,000 words and maps for a small set of catacombs, an overhead map of a town, interior maps for a few choice buildings where encounters occur and an strange inverted ziggurat.
Adventure in a Nutshell: Recent construction along the inner town wall unearths a set of catacombs that don’t show up in any set of plans. The catacombs hold an ancient portal to the Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus. Eons in the future the door (and hundreds like it) is to be opened so that the lawful beings of Mechanus can rebuild the mortal world after it is nearly destroyed by chaos. A small boy investigates the catacombs and accidentally sets off the timer that counts down to the door opening. When the clockwork beings emerge they will dismantle the town (and the people in it) and rebuild everything (organic stuff included) according to plan. Of course the scouts (the survey crew) arrive early to map out the construction project.
The primary antagonists include a small army of clockwork horrors who have been subcontracted to do the demolition job because of their efficiency. Zelekhuts guard the worksite and hunt down the most chaotic people in the town for conversion into axiomatic beings. Meanwhile the foreman, a formian myrmarch and her army of lesser formians begin to construct a brave new world out of the old. In the end after everyone finds out that...
Praise all to the Great Green God. I was wondering what a Dungeon proposal should look like. This I Like.
Mahalo Brah!
P>S> To GGG if that proposal don't make I will probably still the idea one day for my own game one day. Thanks again.
I will probably still the idea one day for my own game one day.
Gonna get together a Circle of Thirteen?
*grins*
Sorry.
I will probably still the idea one day for my own game one day.Gonna get together a Circle of Thirteen?
*grins*
Sorry.
Their only a dozen of us. Want in?
(wink)
Well, I got the two rejection emails today on a pair of adventure queries...
anyways, I figured I'd post the queries here.
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"Bandits of the Borghese Woods"
General Information: This Eberron low-level adventure is designed for 4 3rd level PCs.
Adventure Hooks:
A. A scholar at Morgrave University has recently received word of the location of Castel Borghese, and he hires the PC’s to explore the ruins and clear out any dangers before he makes a decision whether or not to lead a student expedition there next semester.
B. PCs hired by the Mayor of Ringbriar to clear out the bandits. His guards are hard-pressed to patrol the local farms, and he wants the party to explore further and hunt down the bandits.
C. Tionne d’Jorasco is missing! Tionne resides in Ringbriar and often goes north into the Skyraker Forest to collect herbs for her healing potions. She is now over a week overdue, and House Jorasco wants her found and rescued if necessary. House Jorasco will pay a reward of course, but it might occur to the players that doing a favor to the House of Healing might be in their long-term best interest.
D. The PCs could simply be traveling the roads near Ringbriar or the Skyraker Forest, and be attacked by bandits, and then track them back into the Skyraker Forest.
Plot: There are bandits operating out of the Skyraker Forest, preying on the farms around the village of Ringbriar, as well as striking at travelers on the roads between Moonwatch and Galethspyre. The bandits are operating out of the ruins of Castel Borghese, a pre-Galifar castle located deep within the Skyraker Forest to the north of Ringbriar.
Following one of the Adventure Hooks, the party arrives in Ringbriar. Ringbriar will have all the standard features of a village of its size, in addition to the local Jorasco House of Healing (currently staffed by Tionne’s two subordinates, both Halfling Expert2). The Forester’s Rest is the only inn. Kurrik’s Sundries and Supplies is the only real shop in town.
With a Gather Information check, they can learn more about the raids (sidebar with 3 different levels of information). Also, if the party asks openly about the bandits, or stays in town for longer than a day, they will be approached by both House Jorasco representatives and/or the Mayor, both of which want to hire the party. (Adventure hooks B & C). The party may accept any of these offers, which will mean they have additional (albeit linked) objectives, and the opportunity to earn more rewards.
If the party asks Kurrik about the bandits, he’ll pass along a rumor that a Warforged was seen in the vicinity of the raids, and is a scout for the bandits. This is partially true, as a Warforged has been seen in the area, but he has nothing to do with the raids. Kurrik is trying to stir up the natural anti-Warforged prejudice in the town, and deflect attention away from himself (he secretly works as the inside man for the bandits). The PC’s might also hear this rumor during their Gather Information check.
Bolt is doing survey work for Morgrave University. He is the one who located Castel Borghese (Adventure Hook A). Bolt has seen the bandits, but has avoided them.
Once the PC’s have gathered some information, the cry will go out in town that smoke is on the horizon. The PC’s can head out with the town guards to find another farm burned and the farmers butchered. A search check will find multiple tracks leading away to the north.
Following along the tracks, the PC’s will encounter Bolt on the edge of the Skyraker Forest. He is initially unfriendly. If they talk to him and succeed in either a Diplomacy or Intimidate check, he will tell them the bandits are hiding out in Castel Borghese, and give directions. If the PC’s kill Bolt, they will find his notes and maps, including the above information.
Once the party is in the woods, they will encounter a pack of Horrid Wolves during their first night. The party can catch the fleeing bandits if they force-march.
After a few days travel in the woods, they will come to the ruins of Castel Borghese. The Castel is an old motte & bailey design, and the bandits have rigged it with traps (pit traps, falling timbers, etc), which the party will have to contend with while dealing with the bandits led by Duran and Torgun. Torgun flees into the submerged tunnels if the battle foes badly.
Once inside the ruins, the party will eventually discover a few reinforced doors that the bandits had locked and barred. These doors lead down into a section of the ruins that is partially submerged and houses a Horrid Huge Viper. Once past these obstacles, the party will come to a dry section that houses a few cells, including one holding Tionne d’Jorasco. If he was not slain earlier, Torgun will lock himself into one of the cells and pretend to be a prisoner.
Major Foes:
• Duran (Human Warrior 4) Ex-Brelish soldier turned bandit.
• Torgun (Human Cleric 3 Blood of Vol) Emerald Claw “advisor” to the bandits.
• Typical Bandit (Human Warrior 2) Approximately 12 altogether.
• Bolt (Warforged Ranger 3)
Summary of Rewards: The Mayor of Ringbriar can only offer 150 GP and the village’s gratitude for dealing with the bandits, although the party can certainly pick up more rewards from House Jorasco and Morgrave University if they pursued those Adventure Hooks. If Torgun survives, the party will also have earned the anger of the Order of the Emerald Claw.
Summary of Encounters:
1. Ringbriar: Social Interactions.
2. Edge of Skyraker Forest: Bolt (Warforged Ranger 3)
3. Skyraker Forest at Night: Horrid Wolves
4. Skyraker Forest: 4 x Human Warrior 2. (Optional)
5. Castel Borghese (Exterior): Pit traps (CR3) and sentries.
6. Castel Borghese (Interior): Duran + Torgun + surviving bandits.
7. Castel Borghese (Submerged): Horrid Huge Viper.
Estimate: 7000 words. 3 Maps, including a map of the Skyraker Forest and Ringbriar, the interior and exterior of Castel Borghese.
Here is the 2nd adventure query that got rejected today:
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"Preliminary Research"
General Information: This Eberron mid-level adventure is designed for 4 6th level PCs.
Adventure Hooks: Famed explorer Elegost d’Orien of the Wayfinder Foundation approaches the PCs with a proposition. Elegost has recently translated a text describing the location of the fabled lost Temple of Mar’saval (Players Guide to Eberron. Pg. 128). Unfortunately, Elegost is tied up for the next 3 months teaching courses in Antiquity Studies at Morgrave University.
Perhaps Elegost knows the PCs from prior adventures, ties to House Orien or the Wayfinder Foundation. Maybe one or more of the PCs are in one of Elegost’s classes this semester, or is a fellow academic colleague. Or maybe Elegost has just heard of the PCs in the adventurer’s district of Clifftop, and he thinks they can do the job.
In any case, Elegost wants to engage the party to head out to Q’barra, follow the translated instructions and verify that the Lost Temple still stand, as well as retrieve some sample artifacts as evidence. Elegost needs the party to act as his agents in order to “discover” Mar’saval, so that he can be the first to publish a paper on it, with the PC’s getting partial credit as well.
Plot: The PCs leave their meeting at Elegost d’Orien at Morgrave University, with copies of the translated instructions, cash for expenses and tickets on an elemental galleon leaving for Q’barra on the morning tide. On the way out of the university district, a pickpocket targets one of the party. If successful, the instructions are gone. If caught, the pickpocket pleads for mercy and attempts to flee. If successfully intimidated or bribed, he reveals that he was told to specifically target anyone leaving Elegost’s office by a stocky man with a Karnathi accent.
The next morning the party is off to Q’barra and the journey passes uneventfully. Upon arriving at Newthrone, the party disembarks. Elegost gave them expense money and the name of a tavern in which to find a riverboat captain to hire. If the PCs aren’t arrogant or socially inept, they can hire a captain easily, otherwise they might insult someone and start a brawl.
Following the coastline of Q’barra, a New Galifar patrol boat pulls alongside and the patrol attempts to shakedown the adventurers for a hefty bribe. If the PC’s pay the bribe or successfully intimidate or bluff the patrol, they are allowed to go. Otherwise, it comes to a fight as the patrol attempts to arrest the “smugglers”. A Scrag also attacks the riverboat during the night sometime during the journey.
Upon reaching the northern coast and the Basura Swamp, the riverboat anchors and the PCs disembark. Trekking through the swamp and all the fun terrain that entails, the PCs soon discover that Q’barra is home to Horrid animals, as a pair of Horrid Apes attack.
Relatively soon after the Horrid Ape encounter, the party is approached by a hunting party of Lizardfolk and Carvers. The Lizardfolk attempt to parley and warn the PCs not to go further south, “Because to the south lies the Cursed Temple of Mar’saval, where the corrupted ones dwell.” This is an encounter that isn’t designed to become a fight, but instead to be handled with social skills.
Two days after leaving the riverboat, the party can detect something HUGE coming their way with a successful Spot or Listen check. (Think Jurassic Park, water trembling, etc). A Sabertooth Titan bursts out of the undergrowth, chasing down a fleeing Dire Ape for lunch. If the PCs are hiding, then they should be fine; otherwise the Sabertooth Titan turns to attack them instead. Note: If the PC’s attacked the Lizardfolk in the earlier encounter, the Sabertooth Titan will definitely attack them, having been sent by a Lizardfolk Druid in retaliation.
Finally, the PCs have made it to the Lost Temple of Mar’saval. Except for a single tower with a balcony, only the tips of the granite and brass minarets break the surface, as the rest of the temple is underwater in the middle of a small lake. The PCs can either cut down some trees to make crude rafts, or they can swim out. Either way, halfway across the lake, a Chuul strikes from ambush.
Once the PC’s have disposed of the Chuul and made it to the tower’s balcony, they can go inside. However, the corrupted Lizardfolk Cleric (Dragon Below) and Lizardfolk Hunters were probably alerted by the Chuul fight, and they fight to the death to drive off intruders.
After bypassing or disabling a compacting room trap in the stairwell (that makes it seem like the stairwell is throat that is swallowing), the PCs reach the lower levels of the tower. There before them is a small golden idol of a humanoid tiger upon an altar, surrounded by sacrifices and treasure gathered by the Lizardfolk. If the PC’s disturb the idol, then the altar rumbles and a volley of spears burst forth from a trap. At least one of the spears will “miss” and shatter a window, breaking the protective enchantment and allowing the lake water to rush into the room, as per a Flooding Room trap. This is the least of the party’s worries however, as disturbing the idol also freed the Zakya Rakshasa bound within.
Once the party makes it back to the coast with the idol and any other artifacts, they discover a large pirate ship looming over their riverboat. Mhaedhros d’Deneith and a troop of Emerald Claw soldiers followed the PCs to Q’barra from Sharn and are here to “liberate” whatever the PCs have discovered. If the PCs give up the idol, then Mhaedhros leaves after sinking their boat, leaving the PCs to trek back through the swamp to Newthrone. Or the PCs can fight, although Mhaedhros will flee via an Etherealness infusion (Greater Armor Enhancement) on his armor if the fight goes badly.
Now the party can return to Sharn and Elegost, via Newthrone and an elemental galleon, to be lauded by the adventuring community.
Major Foes:
• Zakya Rakshasa
• Sabertooth Titan (Tyrannosaur Rex)
• Mhaedhros d’Deneith (Human Artificer 5/Dragonmark Heir 1). On the surface he works for the Twelve’s Acquisitions directorate and House Deneith, covertly an operative for the Emerald Claw.
Summary of Rewards: Cash and Academic fame from Elegost’s paper and subsequent articles in the Korranberg Chronicle, definitely significant enough to get membership in the Wayfinder Foundation. Owed a favor by Elegost. The Emerald Claw will be looking for revenge, as will Mhaedhros if he survived.
Summary of Encounters:
1. Sharn: Pickpocket (EL 2)
2. Newthrone: Hire a boat. Social interaction, possible brawl. (EL 5)
3. New Galifar Navy between Newthrone and Adderport. (EL 6)
4. Coast: Riverboat attacked by Scrag. (EL 5)
5. Basura Swamp: 2 x Horrid Apes (EL 6)
6. Basura Swamp: 3 x Lizardfolk + 2 x Carvers (Deinoychus) (EL 6)
7. Basura Swamp: Sabertooth Titan (EL 8)
8. Mar’saval (Exterior): Chuul (EL 7)
9. Mar’saval (Interior): Lizardfolk Shaman + Hunters (EL 6)
10. Mar’saval (Interior): Compacting Room Trap (EL 6)
11. Mar’saval (Interior): Zakya Rakshasa + Flooding Room Trap (EL 9)
12. Coast: Mhaedhros d’Deneith + Emerald Claw soldiers (EL 7)
Estimate: 8000 words. 4 Maps, including regional map of Q’barra, the riverboat, and both exterior and interior of Mar’saval.
---
Note: James wrote that he liked this one, but that it was too similar to something else in the works. So thats not bad, the idea didn't suck at least.
I've read through I'm just not in a critical mood. I'll swing by again later.
I reckon Zherogs thread here would make a good repositary of rejected queries somewhere. Like a reference people can refer to, with the query and reason for rejection. Could sit next to a collection of queries that have been accepted and published maybe?
Perhaps even go further and have sections summarising all the helpful tips and things that crop up here with respect to writing and submissions.
Sounds like a perfect candidate for a WIKI*. Shall I set one up for us? paizosubculture.com is available :)
* A website or similar online resource which allows users to add and edit content collectively.
Well it required such little effort to do I set it up.
So I invite all you contributors to come and put your oar in. Have a look around and have and play.
There's no rules except for "Be adult."
A style will develop based on the majority consensus as it gets used.
You can edit any page you like, if you're new to Wiki's checkout the guide mentioned on the homepage.
Here is the 2nd adventure query that got rejected today:
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"Preliminary Research"General Information: This Eberron mid-level adventure is designed for 4 6th level PCs.
This is actually quite good - I would try to use a little less passive voice, but I suspect that you would have made it to the meeting with this one if they didn't have something similar.
- Ashavan
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|
Here is the 2nd adventure query that got rejected today:
---
"Preliminary Research"General Information: This Eberron mid-level adventure is designed for 4 6th level PCs.
This is actually quite good - I would try to use a little less passive voice, but I suspect that you would have made it to the meeting with this one if they didn't have something similar.
- Ashavan
I agree. Good stuff. I'd run this adventure in a heartbeat. I'd probably make the travel there on the elemental ship bumpier though--agents of whomever trying to jack the players for the map or whatnot. Like every time James Bond got on a train and thought things would be sedate, along comes Jaws to rip a hole in the wall and try to murder him.
Is what you posted in general what you sent them form-wise? I was just wondering how to exactly write one of these queries up. That looked pretty good.
Here is the 2nd adventure query that got rejected today:
---
"Preliminary Research"General Information: This Eberron mid-level adventure is designed for 4 6th level PCs.
This is actually quite good - I would try to use a little less passive voice, but I suspect that you would have made it to the meeting with this one if they didn't have something similar.
- Ashavan
I agree. Good stuff. I'd run this adventure in a heartbeat. I'd probably make the travel there on the elemental ship bumpier though--agents of whomever trying to jack the players for the map or whatnot. Like every time James Bond got on a train and thought things would be sedate, along comes Jaws to rip a hole in the wall and try to murder him.
Is what you posted in general what you sent them form-wise? I was just wondering how to exactly write one of these queries up. That looked pretty good.
1. I was trying to make the ocean going travel a little easier, at least until they got onto the smaller boat and ran into the border guards and the scrag. I didn't want to fall into the cliche where everytime you get on a boat (or airship or Lightning Rail, this was an Eberron adventure) you get attacked by pirates, or the ship sinks, or you get lost in the Bermuda Triangle etc.
And the main part of the adventure was the jungle trek and the actual temple, the other stuff at the beginning (pickpocket, hiring the boat, border guards) was mainly just there to spice it up a little. The pickpocket sets things up for later. Hiring the boat allows the PCs a little social interaction, and lets them get a feel for the frontier. Likewise, the corrupt border guards and scrag are there to contrast with the easy voyage so far, a kind of "Hey, we aren't in the civilized lands anymore" wakeup call.
The last encounter was there with Mhaedhros because I mainly wanted to duplicate the kind of rival NPC that swoops in at the end after the PCs have done all the hard work, like in the beginning of Indiana Jones & The Raiders of the Lost Arc.
*Also, one of the reasons I used that last encounter was that I was toying with the idea (still might) of writing up Mhaedhros d'Deneith as a critical threat, since I had used him as either a bad guy or a somewhat helpful NPC in couple of my adventure ideas, including the one that made it past the Gatekeeper. Which is one of the reasons why he is supposed to bail on his crew and escape via etherealness at the end if the PCs are winning, he needs to live for another adventure.
2. This is pretty much the format of how I sent it in. I just copy & pasted it from a word document, so it lost the formatting (bold, italics, underlines, etc)
Part of my experimenting process with these first couple of queries was to find a format that I liked, and that hopefully the editors liked too.
So keep in mind that all this advice comes from a guy who is 0-4 in getting a query past the Gatekeeper (though I have had Critical Threats and Campaign Workbooks get through). So with that caveat out of the way...
"Bandits of the Borghese Woods"
General Information: This Eberron low-level adventure is designed for 4 3rd level PCs.
Two small things. First, I think saying it's a "low level" adventure is redundant, since you also mention the level it's intended for. A nit pick, I guess.
Second, while you have Eberron references (a warforged, Blood of Vol, etc) this really doesn't feel like an Eberron adventure. I don't know if I can explain it, though. I guess the best way to explain it is this: I can take all the Eberron elements you have in here, and in five minutes replace them with generic stuff; and this won't really impact the feel of the adventure. *shrug* I don't know if that's making any sense.
As Ashavan noted, you have some passive voice; probably not enough to kill you, though it certainly wouldn't hurt to get rid of it.
D. The PCs could simply be traveling the roads near Ringbriar or the Skyraker Forest, and be attacked by bandits, and then track them back into the Skyraker Forest.
I can't provide you a reference, but I recall one of the editors saying once that, "The PCs stumble upon the plot" is not a good hook. You have three other solid hooks, though, so I don't think this would hurt too badly.
Castel
Is this a word I'm not familiar with? You use it several times, both as part of a name ("...the ruins of Castel Borghese.") as well as by itself ("The Castel is an old..."). MS Word certainly doesn't like it (though that doesn't mean much).
On the positive side (because I like pointing out good things, too ;) ), I like seeing the inclussion of some social skill stuff (Gather Info checks, etc). I like your first three plot hooks - all solid leads to get the PCs in the right area. And I like that your "rewards" section also includes some negative consequences the PCs may face as a result of their success.
I guess besides those things, this adventure seems pretty generic. Nothing really makes it stand out in my mind from any other "stop the bandits" and/or "rescue the damsel in distress" type of adventures. Don't get me wrong - it sounds fun, and it's generally well written. I think, though, you need a little something to spice it up and make it different. I'm just not sure what.
Hope that helps. I'll get to your other one in a bit.
-- John
Anyone mind if I archive their Query onto the Wiki?
http://subculture.teknohippy.com
You may archive mine, as long as my name (real and/or board name) remains attached to it.
Well, right off the bat I'll say this one felt much more like an Eberron adventure to me; and again, I'm not sure why. It's certainly just as easy to take this query and remove the Eberron stuff as your other one. Yet, somehow it feels like it belongs there to me. *shrug*
Adventure Hooks: **snippity snip**
I like the idea of stroking the players' egos as a plot hook. :)
I like the pickpocket stuff; one thing you didn't go into (and I understand space is a consideration) is what if the pickpocket is successful? How can the PCs get back the instructions?
Again, I like the good mix of RP encounters and combat encounters. I especially like the corrupt navy officials, with the encounter either allowing for a roleplay or combat resolution.
I don't think you need to list "major foes" along with a summary of encounters; I think either one or the other should be OK. Also, in your rewards section you use sentence fragments. I think the section would be tighter if you used complete sentences there (I'm guessing it was done, again, because of space considerations).
Like your previous query, there's some passive voice; again, not much, though it wouldn't hurt to remove it. Also:
...the patrol attempts to arrest the “smugglers”.
The period should be inside the quotation mark. Again, this obviously didn't kill your query.
Overall, though, this is a good query; it sounds fun, it has a lot of action, and a large chunk of that action isn't necessarily combat oriented.
I hope your query that got past the Gatekeeper does well. :)
--John
Done John. Anyone else want their's archived?
Easy to do yourself, or just give me the word and I'll hunt them down in this thread.