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I wolk into Fencyynge, and ye first thing I do see is an Manne from Low Germayne showing hys recently Inscribed Butokes to ann Admyringue Throng, and thought I, hath I taken an vvrong tuernyge and entered an Bagnio, Stewes, or Molly-Howse? But sadley, No, I had Notte.
Inne other newes, hear ye, hear ye, my Ward cometh unto my chamber and sayeth, Sire, thou hast Sequestered mine Devices and I wish them Return'd, that I may play at being ye Azure Hedge-Pigge that doth runneth at greate Speed. Quoth I, thy devices have been Sequester'd owing to Crimes of which ye World may remain ignorant, but thou knowest well what they are, and shall notte be retvrned until ye Morrow. Said he, Sire, then shall we play at Swords? If thou be ye victor, so be it, but if it be I, thou shalt Return mine Devices unto me? This was Acceptable to me, so we did play at Swords, to V Strikes, and ye Lad was notte victoriuos, but yet he persisted, in Fun, or so I thoughteth, until he had ii swords and I had none. Then he did stryke me v times, saying that he had Won, ye act of an Very Dastard, and so I did tell him to get him gone, and his Devices remaineth apart from him until Sonday, as before.
And so it did befall that ye Giant FROSTEBOL did Ravage ye Londe, makyinge ye people cry O Wo, and trembble at his Hoarye Breath, and no wight wit how he might be vanquishyed. Then did ye Enchantresse FINANCELLA speake unto Sir Limey de Longears, saying, Good Knihgte, I hath summoned ye spirit of ye Sage PLUMBEROTH, who telleth unto me that, to rout FROSTEBOL, thou must travel unto ye Relyquerie of St. BOILERIA, and depresse ye Briyghte Jewel thereonne. Quoth Sir Limey, why me, surely anyonne can presse an Brigyht Jewel, or Mystic Buttonne Quoth FINANCELLA, because thou art a most Doughye, I mean Doughtye Palladin, and Eques Salutis et Salutis, only Thou mayest Presse ye Mystiyq Buttoune. So Sir Limey de Longears did so Presse Ye Buttonne, and St BOILERIA did come unto Lyfe, and FROSTEBOL was laid Low, and there was much Rejoicing throughout all ye Kyngedomme.
Itt hathe all bene gowynge downhyll since we did stoppeth usynge Hacke-silver, that is wotte I do quoth.
What doth maketh ye VLTIMAYTE WAEOPON? Not attachdethyng nunchucks to ye ende of an Sabre, let me tell thee.
Thou art doing an verye greate deul better than I, then, Sirrah.
By the lambent berde of Saint Michel, I hath broken ynother sworde! Ye pomel sheerdeth clene off when I wath fyhgtinge anne Italiano armed ywith an scymytarre, and what ys worse, 'tis longe out of Warrantye.
If thou tapest togethere ii speares to make an MEGA-SPEARE, and fyghteth with it against anothere MEGA-SPEARE, thou hast only thineselfe to blayme when thou dost get MEGA-SPEAREDETH in ye Crotch.
Tonihgt, ye planne wath to practeyse disarmes with ye bullewhyppes, but no matter how mvch we dydde prakteyes themme, they stylle did not worketh very vvelle. Yndianna Iones lydeth to us alle.
'Tis tyme thou wert wade an Duoble Knight, and so thus I do dub thee. *Taps Sir Loin lightly on each shoulder with the cubic zircona-encrusted spork* Gette readye
So ho, Sirrah! I intendeth to performe Ledall's ivth chayse, with 15 rondes, follued by an massye foyne at thy vitales. I thuoght it an curtesye to informe thee beforetowardes.
Atte laste, an wepone that doth matche mine owne Zircon cruste.
Have at ye, thou draggle-tail'd puppy! Oddswounds, what an remarke-worthy swerde.
Dangligue from ye ende of mine lance, wrought of blue samite, spherycle pantes.
*Stabbeth*
We doe trane in anne mixèd use venue on VVendesdayes, and this yveningue, there wert an Recital on ye mightye Wurlitzer organ upstayres bewhilst we dydde our dagger practysse.
Rejoyce, rejoyce, for noe longer do we fighteth in ye stynkie and unventylated gymnasiumme, filled with gymnasiumme folks who dyd seeme verye Peturbed at ye presseynce of so manye Maisters of Defensse in one playce, but in ye Towne Halle, which hatheth vvindowes, and an Barre, though ye Barre wath sadlye closed.
The aduantayge of fihghting all yvennge in an unvenytlated gymnasium is that one doth getteth an duello and an sauna at ye saime tym.
Maybe most people do not aim at specific body parts and hit random location? In mine yxperiennse, thine oponent hath an yritaynge habit of movynnge, paryingue, &c, so it doth be lyke unto thatte.
Todaye I did goe to ye Muckle Northern HEMA Tourney, in whyche I did doeth muche broadsword with an Schottishe Man, and with another Man of Schottyssche Birth, and with an Mickle Schottische Ladye who dydde teache us how to Excel at ye Swordplaye when being Smalle, and not once did I sayeth, what are all these Schottes doeng in ye Realme of ye King of Englonde, armed to ye teethe with broadswordes? There was allso qaurterstaffe with an German wythe big Bushy Ginger mutton-choppe sydeburnes.
Todaye we did chanel ye spirits of ye Antient Plastique Romains by bateling with ye synthetique sheilds and Gladioli swerds, whych do sting like Buggerie when they hitteth thou upon ye bare legge.
Bothe ye grate boss and ye lytle boss wert absent this afternoon, so ye maydens in ye ofyce were merye as sparrowes, and did gad about gygling about bosomes and pizzles, and showing one anothere Screneshottes they had taken of somme electronical entertaynement where Churls and Slatterns do gette all t'lot out in an attempte yto attract an paramour. Thenne, thankes be, I was able to escaype and doe somme Wholesome Dager practysse at Wednesday HEMA
And Bastard Sworde.
Also, mine liege lady, concyrned abuotte ye cattes fondnysse for her cheese plante, hath fortyfyed it with an palisade and chevaux de frise (she really hath. I am notte makyng sporte of thee)
I didde thinke that mine lyghte fittynge wast high enow to allowe mee to practyce ye ii handed sworde indoors withoute mysshap, but certes, twas not soe. Tynkle, tynkle, crash, sodane darknesse.
Howe gladde I art that Mondaye Fencynge is backe, and thatte I can thus doe sword and buckelere agayn.
I hath founde myne battaille-axe.
I hath loste mine battle-axe.
Huzzah huzzay, for we art doing sidesworde agayne.
I didde goe unto Mondaye fencingge, and I had a grande tyme, despyte catchinge a longsword thrust in ye small ribbes, which I will feel tomorrow mornyge. Got to do sword and daggyre, whiche I hathe missedeth verye greatlye.
Thenne there ys ye Bastard, or Hand-and-an-Halfe chicken, which canne be used yther waye.
I hath anne Stinkye Gorget.
I gotteth to use mine two-hander in sparynge todaye, against an speare. It did notte go welle.
An Spork is an moste inefyssient stabynge device, ye Fearsomme Bohemian Ear Spork (and legendarye Tactical Spork) asyde.
We haddeth anne mixed weapons tournament tonyght, which was a lotte of funne. Iffe thou haddest ye speare, lucke to be thou. Iffe thou haddest ye axe and knyffe, suckes to be thou.
- "What do you like least about the position you're applying for?" - Ye facte that I must fyghte for ye KINGE in order to receyyve mine Dole, when I hathe an bloudy squable wyth Sir Nobbin of Bloyes that will not Waite - "What causes you stress at work?" - Sande in ye Codpeice. "What do you want in a manager? - Plenty of Haye withal to feed mine Steyde.
And not even a single sword, sabre, cutlass, rapier, epee, dagger, main gauche, axe, mace, warhammer, poleaxe, halberd, guisarme, glaive, bec de corbin, bardiche, spear, pike, or any other stabby, pointy, and/or curshy implement?Don't know about you folks, but I've pulled on my Care Bear tights, donned my modesty compliant sportswear, and am off to join the Jesuits, stopping off at the National Library of Israel to admire my whisky investment portfolio on the way. Thanks, targeted social media ads!!! Advertysyng suche delightes art forbyddenne on ye Tome of Visages, on pain of confinement in ye oubliettes of ye Keep on The Zuckerlands.
Mine friend hath bought himself an most lengthye and beautiously and finely wrought Spanysshe rapier, and that, plus ye facte that he hath arms like unto Mr. Tickle, makes him quite ye challenge to fygtte. Also, when axe (on its own) fighteth sword (on its own), sword generallye hath the better tyme of itte.
I didst notte thinke that we could have maces thatte were sayfe withal to thumpe one another, but lo, they were brought in tonighte, and were quite funne, even if they do bende most alarminglye when thou dost use them for more that iv minuitess.
Hath senteth thee somme groates.
Mine Pappenheimer rapier did arriveth, whythen which I did hope to doeth Hotte Pappenheimer Schitte, but alack, 'tis too heavy in ye blade to do much withe. 'Tis possible to remedy ye diffycultie, and what dost thou expecte fore £80, but stille mildly vexynge.
I'll try to go back to ignoring them, but saying you couldn't find a publisher for your "booke" was just too perfect to pass up. Gutenberg is an righte busye manne.
If needeth, I canne be ovyr with anne Guisarme and a brace of ii falchyonnes in xviii minnuites, providyngge Pegasus Ye Flying Horse turneth up on tyme.
...Wouldst thou like an fauchard?
Ye splendydde worke.
Ande todaye did I winne one, and lose iii, of myne sworde & dager matchysse, but loste with honnoure, so no matter. I also helped record ye scores inne ye morne, and attended an classe in ye swordplay of ye Spanysshe, which did confuse me mightily, though that is noe greate taske in ytselfe.
Welle, I did winneth mine duell, alhap ye beste blow was deliver'd by mine foe, so browne saucce is now officialye delycciousse, by ye grayce of thine deity/deities of choyce.
Recovereth thou fortwith, TS! I hath somme spayre leeches, three bezoins and anne mandragora, shoulde they be needfulle.
Mine rapier buddye did cometh to HEMA, yaaay. There wert also severall dreadsome two-handed sword vs. poleaxe figghts, and I was moste gladde not to be ye one who got an fulle-force axe stryke in ye crotche.
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