Sir Limey De Longears's page

70 posts. Alias of Limeylongears.


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Ragadolf wrote:
Scintillae wrote:

Moving into research paper season. I told the kids to pick a history topic, and I'm already hearing a range.

Agent Orange
Ozzy Osbourne
Edgar Allen Poe

At least I won't have to worry about repetition.


MY first research Paper in High School was "Medieval Weaponry"
Broken down into Melee Weapons, Ranged weapons, and Siege Weapons.

I got an "A". :)

Ye splendydde worke.

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Ande todaye did I winne one, and lose iii, of myne sworde & dager matchysse, but loste with honnoure, so no matter.

I also helped record ye scores inne ye morne, and attended an classe in ye swordplay of ye Spanysshe, which did confuse me mightily, though that is noe greate taske in ytselfe.

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Welle, I did winneth mine duell, alhap ye beste blow was deliver'd by mine foe, so browne saucce is now officialye delycciousse, by ye grayce of thine deity/deities of choyce.

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Recovereth thou fortwith, TS!

I hath somme spayre leeches, three bezoins and anne mandragora, shoulde they be needfulle.

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Mine rapier buddye did cometh to HEMA, yaaay.

There wert also severall dreadsome two-handed sword vs. poleaxe figghts, and I was moste gladde not to be ye one who got an fulle-force axe stryke in ye crotche.

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Vanykrye wrote:
The only logical and rational solution to all of life's problems is arson.


And arson.

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Tacticslion wrote:

For clarification, it claims to be literally set in France.

It is the story of Joan if Henry was a demon possessed child and due to a stupid jester corrupt chancellor or something. Anyway the English are all villains with demons at their command invading “mother France.” Just so we are clear on what I mean by fictionalized version of the stuff.






Definitelye ye 'fictionne'

Completely madeth uppe

silence, abthraxni'uungh

Notte true at all.

Trusteth thou me, Pierre, thou hast nothynge to worry about.

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Sharoth wrote:
lisamarlene wrote:

So my favorite locally-owned hardware store was having a 40% off sale on outdoor plants and soil today.

As we're waiting in line, Hermione notices the display of pocket knives.
H: "Mama! Look! Remember how Papa was saying I'm old enough to have a pocket knife of my own now?"
(WW has been saying this to Hermione for the past year. We don't agree.)
Me: "Yes, but Papa and I don't agree on that. We'll discuss it."
Farm Grandma Saleslady: "You know, I think you were having the same argument about pocket knives the last time you were in here."
Me: "It's possible, but we haven't been in here in a few months. I think the last time was when we were here with our Girl Scout troop selling cookies out front."
FGS: "Yes! That was it. You were arguing about it then and you're arguing about it now."

But she was smiling while she said it, because, well, Texas.

This is the kind of knife that you need to get her!

Canst thou feeleth me glaryngge at thee with an looke of styrn dysappeprouual on mine hairye visage?

Thou shouldest be able to, pig-faced bascinet and Atlantique Ocean nottewythestandynge. Katanas indeed!

Also, whenne will I recieveth mine Freehold-aproved silver-plated guisarme?

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Scintillae wrote:
You don't fight with a bow and arrow! You snipe from a distance and prevent one from happening.

*Raises sceptical, Agincourt-shaped eyebrow*

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Annothere evenynge of ye greatesworde, or montante, and oddsblood, if I keepeth this up, I shalle hath shoulders like unto GRATE SPHERES OF GRANYTTE.

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And LO, did a clubbe member see an Japanysse Moving Luminous Tapestry of 'Realystyque Ninjja Combatte Traynyge' with 10ft wobbly poles and daggeres, and thought, 'We muste hath 10ft wobbly poles and daggeres tonyght at HEMA', and we diddeth, and it wath ridyculousse.

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Freehold DM wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:

OK, updates where updates are due:

(1) The relative in question actually e-mailed an apology and an admission of being in the wrong to GothBard! It's an amazing display of maturing emotionally, especially considering this is happening in someone over 70.
But if someone over 70 can learn such things, you can use that to beat your own relatives over the head with the clue stick.


And verily, lucke is with thee, as ye Institute of Chartered Surveyors requireth an newe deputy HR manneager, for the gaining of which a most dealthious affraye will shortly take place, and since I am providynge ye kukris and punche dagggeres, I can get thee on ye guest list should thou so desirest.

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Tacticslion wrote:
Hm. How to print a poorly-edited map of 13th century Europe. :/



To what dost thou refer with thine heathen 'printyngge'?

Dost thou not have an monasterye full of monkysshe scribes to hand forto copye it for thou? Reallye?


What ye dragon saideth.

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lisamarlene wrote:

Hermione is in love with a boy in her class named Diesel. Yes, that's his real first name. He's her third serious crush this school year. She's seven.

NH, can we please get Impus Major to send him a threatening letter saying that HE was actually her first crush and he's very jealous and challenges the boy to a duel? The most recent pic you posted should be enough to scare this little boy away, and if word gets around the school, so much the better.

(Yes, I'm kidding, but only just.)

That happendeth to ye dauhghter of Actual Lady de Longears, in that two boyes did fight over her, and she hath only seven yeares. Lady de Longears did have words most stern with her, that she was not an prize to be fought over. I suggested that she might fight ye winner if he was not uppe to specifications.

Dizzy, my blade is ever at your service.

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NobodysHome wrote:
Scintillae wrote:

Somehow, Current Events class started talking about names. I mentioned that "Mackenzie" and "Kaitlyn" were the names I saw the most variation on when subbing.

My board is now filled with as many variant spellings on the two as they can devise. Exchange student is just boggled.

Oh, don't get me started. Don't EVEN get me started. In the San Francisco Bay Area, just north of Berkeley.

I could find a dozen different spellings of "Karen" in our 1300-student high school. Because every parent wants their "little darling" to be unique.

Goinge backe to ye Glory Dayes of Olde Ynglisshe, where one could spelle ye worydes hovvesoevyr one pleasededeth. Nyce onne Kyaerynne. Or Khaaaaarronm. Or Khorne.

Cap'n Yesterday, FaWtL Tourism wrote:
CrystalSeas wrote:
Wisconsin police say a 34-year-old man who thought his wife damaged his action figures retaliated by taking an ax to the family's car, television and laptop in the house.
He doesn't represent us.

Certes, ye official State Melee Weapon of Wisconsin is ye horseman's picke.

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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
Crap. Now I'm worried about leopards ambushing me from my sock drawer.

I shall supply thee with an ranseur, corseque or boar speare, whiche will keepe ye beastes at an beareable dystancce.

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Ho, Blondel! Fire up ye hurdy-gurdy and fetch me some Burgundians - 'tis time to play BEAT HALBERD!

I art eating ye Brave Potatoes.

"Quail, dogs!"

"Wrong on both counts. We are Potato"

"Curses - foiled again! Guards - sieze them! (Etc.)

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Olde Timey Fisticuffs Yesterday wrote:
Sir Limey De Longears wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:

I love The Great British Baking Show.

Biscuit week, or as translated into English, dry overcooked cookie overfilled with with bland or bitter fillings week.

While trying someone's "biscuit" (or as they're commonly referred to in America as "footballs") the judge comments "the chocolate is rather bitter and they're a bit dry" to which the contestant replied "I know, they're great aren't they!".

You insult the honour of our National Biscuits.

We must fight a duel.

They're called cookies, goode sir!

And they're supposed to be soft and moist, much like the queen's undergarments.

Clearly, I art not as familiar with ye queen's underblasters as I shouldeth be.

Culverins at dawn, sirrah.

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captain yesterday wrote:

I love The Great British Baking Show.

Biscuit week, or as translated into English, dry overcooked cookie overfilled with with bland or bitter fillings week.

While trying someone's "biscuit" (or as they're commonly referred to in America as "footballs") the judge comments "the chocolate is rather bitter and they're a bit dry" to which the contestant replied "I know, they're great aren't they!".

You insult the honour of our National Biscuits.

We must fight a duel.

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Onne Monday, I diddeth sword & buckler & dagger, with ye dagger and buckler in ye sayme hand. Dagger was withoute use until ye final exchange, when I did throw ye sword at my opponent, then charged himme with ye buckler, pushing hym into an corner and stabbynge him with ye dagger (transferred to mine righte hande). Zounds, how satysfyinge.

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lisamarlene wrote:

S***show Update, Day Seven:

So last week, after we discovered that the gas line to the house was leaking and the plumbers would need to replace it before we could get the stove and water heater running, we also noticed that the water heater did not have a drain pan installed underneath it. Kinda bad, because if it leaks (which water heaters will invariably do), it goes straight into the wooden support underneath, and I'm allergic to mold.

So they sent an unlicensed contractor with no plumbing skills to "fix" it. I caught him watching YouTube videos in the hallway because he didn't know what he was doing. He managed to crack the heater drain valve so, yes, it started leaking. So he disconnected it, which is why we've had no water to the showers since Friday.

Then he lied to his boss about it. He has since been fired.
Then his boss got fired by the property manager.

Yesterday, after the (good, licensed, and therefore expensive) plumber spent all day replacing the gas line, he tested it, found it ready, and called in to the city for an inspection.
When the city inspector arrived today, he found *another* unlicensed contractor attempting to fix what the first guy had messed up. This guy broke off the PVC pipe that had been in the water heater drain valve, flooded the floor with water, and then blew our inspection of the new gas line by opting to replace a bent valve, which released the test pressure.

Just then a THIRD unlicensed contractor arrived at the door as back-up for guy number two. The city inspector kicked them both out of the house, red tagged our water heater for five separate hazardous conditions, and notified the "contractors" of potential $4000 fines per violation.

So Whingey Wizzard sent a lengthy angry email to the property manager, who is somewhere in Georgia, who promptly called him back and promised us to credit us this month's prorated rent off of next month's rent and to fix everything by Friday. Allegedly the GOOD plumber who replaced the gas line is supposed to come...

Hark! Thou hearest ye snorting of beasts and ye jingling of harness as a convoy of carts pull up outside Chateau Marlene

Fair lady, thy job lot of pikes and anti cowboy contractor bardiches hath arrivedeth. Kindly sign thou here.

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Thys weeke in Limey's Wonderfulle Worlde of Shields: ye targa

They are most enjoyable to use, and mightily effective, but ye edge needeth reinforcement, as I hath used it fore but iii fyghtes, and it already has a greate dente in itte.

I hath been oute trying to wynne frendes withe Saladin.

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I did forgette - two gents turned up laste nyghte with sparring-sayfe poleaxes. Those thynges looke funne.

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Moorluck wrote:
I'd be pissed if I woke up as a surface elf.

Those art wordes of fyghtyngge. Bring it ye on, purple-balls.

Juste as well that tonighte, we diddeth Ytalian side-sworde, thenne dagger. I did enjoy mineselfe mightily, heatewayve be damndeth.

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lisamarlene wrote:

Meanwhile, why do little boys think their underpants are magic pockets of holding?!?

Seriously... this morning, my son had legos, coins, and a puzzle eraser in his underpants. WTF?

It's sort of like a dragon/turtle combination: carrying your horde of treasure around with you.

Girl children do not do this.

Ye codpiece is an versatyle garment, though not suitable for keeping caltrops in, as I have learned to mine cost.

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Vanykrye wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:
Vanykrye wrote:
lisamarlene wrote:

"So it's more, "Understanding someone else's cultural views on being treated to dinner," and, "Understanding that just because someone's buying you dinner doesn't mean that they want to sleep with you," that's important..."

Except the unwritten (no, actually, I've seen it written in women's magazines more than once) rule for women while dating is "If you don't intend to sleep with him, offer to go dutch, because otherwise you're leading him on."

No. A thousand times no. Those people writing in those magazines are dating the wrong men. Any man who thinks that paying for dinner = the woman is ok with sex needs to be clubbed over the head, covered in honey, and dropped off in a bear-inhabited cave deep in a mountain range.
Yeah, in this day and age if a man is of the opinion that "Buying dinner = An obligation for sex", I figure he needs a good macing anyway.
And not the chemical kind.

Happye to helpe.

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Drejk wrote:

I haven't seen so many beautiful women in such short time for ages...

Is it the time for my Middle Age Crisis already?

Thou art layte for ye Middle Ages Crisis by aboute five hundreds of yeares, though should thou wish to elect an rival Pope, or claime ye throne of France againe, we can have as many more as thou wishest.

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Just a Mort wrote:

Full plate?!

To deal with kitty me?

Though I suspect it wouldn't really work...since technically the big cats, grizzlies etc could probably just break through the armor in question. Or you die of blunt force trauma.

If thou wouldst like to borrow an lucerne hammer, military pick, or tripping device (bill, perhaps), together with an rondel dagger to stick in ye gappes, lettest thou me know and I shall sort thee out.

Master Pugwampi wrote:
Mimdel Boom wrote:
Master Pugwampi wrote:
Mimdel Boom wrote:
Needs more explosions.


*contemplates peach pits*

Do you think between gremlin ingenuity and goblin pyrotechnic expertise we could find a way to make these things explode on contact?

We can certainly have fun trying!

We can use the caramelization cauldron as a crucible!


Or as an petard

Most usefulle if thou forgettest thine keys.

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Drejk wrote:
Scintillae wrote:

Walked past the Rainbow discussing tactics in the hall.

...why can't I get them that focused on English class?!

Because English is an NPC class and it has unimpressive class abilities?



Dost thou desire to be St Georged?

Because that is how thou gets St Georged, good and proper.

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NobodysHome wrote:

You fickle, sword-wielding, insane poop-throwing monkey, you!

Thou calldeth?

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Might I offer thee an tomato flail, or tomato footman's mace*?

'Tis a bit of a one-shot item, verily, but mightily pleasing to use.

Ye tomato halberd and tomato hand and a half sword are likely to be in development for some considerable time, so don't hold thy breath.

* That is a footman's mace with a tomato for a head, not a mace belonging to a footman with a tomato for a head.

I boughteth all this lovelye shinye armour for NAUGHT! NAUGHT, QUOTH I! 50 groats, completely wasted!

The next poster is much more careful about their groats.

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I knowe what would be an goode idea.

Re-writynge 'Bills, Bills, Bills' by ye troubadoures Destiny's Child so it's all about polearms.

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Fritzy, Flaming Bike Artillery wrote:
Orthos wrote:
Scintillae wrote:
Do you mean mention the rules as in "hey man don't do that" or as in "fire a warning shot with the flaming bike cannon and pray our aim actually works as a warning shot and not a TKO"?
Both? Both. Both is good.

You guys are just going to have to shoot yourselves with flaming bikes this week, I'm entirely too busy.

"No, ma'am, we don't have that toy you just made up in your head..."

I hath the following flaming implements:

* Tactical spork
* Spadone
* Sinclair-hilted dussack
* Stuffed otter
* Khandar
* Corseque
* Beef Stroganoff
* Crocheted g-string

And am willing to act as an stand-inne hamster for ye duration of mery Yuletide, should itte be necesarie.

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Vanykrye wrote:
Scintillae wrote:

May I suggest taking a sword to the meeting? It's surprisingly persuasive.

On a completely unrelated note, I miss drama club.

I used to have a history professor who kept a halberd in his office. Not a replica. A m*@^#%()&%ing halberd.

Prithee, why is this worthy of comment?

I do keep a trebuchet in mine. Having quoth that, mine office is ye County of Wiltshire.

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Pumpkin Spice Bardiche
Pumpkin Spice Hook Fauchard
Pumpkin Spice Voulge-Guisarme-Glaive
Pumpkin Spice Regimental Kukri
Pumpkin Spice Musquetoon
Pumpkin Spice Zircon-Encrusted Mangonel.

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captain yesterday wrote:
S%$@ happens in rush hour traffic.

Did this happen when all we had was ye horse?

Verily, it did notte.

Progress, my chainmaille-wrapped arse.

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Vanykrye wrote:

Ok, Cap talked me into it. The Grand Wasp Spray Story, which I may have posted before but I've slept since then and can't be bothered to check.

Probably my 2nd or 3rd week on the job, and I had already identified who the definite PITA people were going to be. Woman walks up to my area, and she was definitely one of them.

PITA: Vany, do you have any wasp spray?

Vany: What?

PITA: Wwwaaasssppp Spray. Do you have any?

Vany: Wasp spray?!

PITA: Wasp spray.

Vany: What would make you think I would keep any wasp spray on hand?

PITA: Well, you're IT.

Vany: ...

Vany: ...

Vany: No. I haven't actually seen a single computer issue that's been resolved by the application of wasp spray.

PITA: Well then what would you recommend for dealing with a wasp??

Vany: [bewilderment high, composure gone, filter set to WIDE OPEN] I would suggest that you treat it like we were taught in second grade and just leave it the fu** alone.

PITA: Well that's not going to happen. (wanders off)

Five minutes later I see her standing on a rolling office chair, swatting at a wasp with her shoe while it buzzes around in a fluorescent light fixture. She was a manager.

Ye Paladin In Tight Armour set out upon an Epic Quest to destroy a Monstrous Evil.

She saw a flaming dragon sitting on a Glittering Trove and thought, 'Aha! Now, at last, I shall be able to Access the Wisdom Of The Ages, as delivered by the Sage Tongue of this Mighty Wyrm!'

'Ho, your Draconic Magnificence', quoth she. 'I, an Humble Petitioner, do beg of thee a Boon, that thou mightest share with me the way to rid my Domains of a most Fell and Puissant Adversary, that hath come out of the Wastes to Torment my Subjects'

"M'mmm", answered she the Drake. "Little may I say, for a Geas is Upon Me. I have no Bright Falchion, nor Sturdy Glaive, nor Glamor'd Casque that I might give unto thee, for dreadsome indeed are the Outworldish Fetters that do Bind Me, but one Riddlesome Rede may I impart, that the road to your Salvation lies on the Great Wheeled Throne, where the Stiletto that Heals may yet slay that Awful Foe which no Earthly Brand can Besmart"

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Kajehase wrote:
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to be controversial and state that mead is a waste of perfectly good honey.

Hie thee to the Arena of Mild Disapproval, Sire, and prepare to be semi-audibly tutted at.

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Tacticslion wrote:

Thanks for all the well-wishes!

... er, well, most of them!

(By way of example: my wife would not want me to have a harpy birthday, for several reasons, including - but not limited to - disemboweling being a messy business, and if I messed around with harpies, it could go either way as to which would get to me first...)

But I appreciate all the sentiments!

I didst say bath day, not birthday - I'm not sure how anyone coulde object to nice clean harpies, particularly since they'd still have all their feathers on.

That being as it may, happy birthdaye as well :)

If you can escape from the Scoatish Dragons, that is. Where's St. George when you need him, eh?

EDIT: Peeking on ME with no armour on, the dirty old sod. Fie, sir, fie!

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Kileanna wrote:

Oooooh! Are you going to start a fight over me?

This is new, usually fights start for something I said and shouldn't have said, not for me xD

Hark! An Duel!

{Draws circle. Provides a delightful selection of implements of death and destruction doing between 1d4 and 1d12 damage, plus Str bonus}

Oho, Skintight onesies and duelling shields, forsooth?

And ye olde nightie and thong combo ys not an optionne, unlesse you want us all to be put in ye stocks.

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"Squire!", quoth I, "Passeth thou me ye ludicrously large, spikey sword which is made of molten lightning or summat, as I am fighting in an animation produced in the far-off land of Zipangu and wish to look the part"

"Ye mun use a wedge in th' bunker, surrr", he gargled, so I did smite him most lustily.

The next poster would like to tell us of the advantages of having a very small nose.

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Tequila Sunrise wrote:

Upcoming first-world problem:

So for my bday, my wife got me a sword. Specifically this sword. Yes, that's the one! Yes, this is just one example of many that proves that my wife is the love of my life. Yes, it is a BIG HONKIN' SWORD. ~135cm/4.5ft.

...And I have no idea how to wear it. The scabbard has two saddle straps and two tiny metal holes, but no belt loop. I don't remember if or how Viggo wears it in the films. It has a wooden wall-holder, but there's no way that I'm never gonna wear this thing, one way or another!

I woudst get a squire, if I were thee... Or keep it on thy horse, shouldst thou happen to have one.

Uncle Teddy wrote:
But it is better or worse than some watery tart handing out swords?


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Sissyl wrote:
Rosita, you seem to have focused rather heavily on the London rain. Just be aware that a warm shirt, a raincoat and a good pair of boots is all you need. Contrary to popular belief, London is inhabited, even almost civilized. What you need once there is a subway card. You may also want to book tickets for a musical or such. They will be booked out when you get there.

London in ye monthe of January will be hard to mistake for ye Balmye Tropicks, so some sort of Cloake, Cape or Topcoat would be advisable.

Alsoe, a padded Jacke or Aketon, Pig Faced Bascinet and Loin-Sneerers are essential, should thou wish to be in ye Fashion. Rapiers over a certaine lengthe are banned within ye citie walles, but a Langes Messer or Curtle-Axe are acceptable in alle but ye most swankye Tavernes.

Ye Subway Cardes are knowne as Oyster Cardes, because they are printed on the shelles of ye sayme and all ye instructions are in Yiddish.

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