Danse Macabre

Mah Cousin Joe's page

41 posts. Alias of Kobold Cleaver.


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Erusin wrote:
What does the Lameness Sensor say, sir?

My god...it has increased dramatically. What could have caused this?


Joek screams in fear at the magic and leaps away unnecessarily (though he doesn't know that). Because of this, he is unable to stop Dral in time.


Dral, Servant of the Board wrote:
Daelemos wrote:

The claw that strikes down at Tarvek is larger than he is, and is not much marked by the man's sword. A pool of blood spreads from the fallen Tarvek. *

I have neither the time nor inclination to take steps at present to prevent you from raising such a poor servant from the grave, if the mood so takes you, but I would be greatly displeased to hear that it had been done for any reason other than to impel your own, proper, rigorous disciplinary procedures. You once had some relatively ingenius ways of dealing with your own traitors.
Unless you have any further comments you wish to make, I shall take my leave of you.

* Imagine a tiny fly, unable to move from a spot, trying to stop or hurt a man from stubbing it out with a fingernail. That's approximately what Tarvek just tried to do.

Ouch. Well, he tried.

Suddenly, Dral appears in the circle. His eyes widen as he sees Tarvek's corpse, and he sees Joek not moving. His mind being significantly sharper than Tarvek's, he comes to a conclusion rather quickly. He lets out a cry of rage.

Joek smiles. "Ah, this is perfect! Guards! Dispose of this man! Daelemos, you may help if you wish."


Daelemos wrote:

The dragon glances down at Joek, not deigning to show signs of anything, except perhaps for impatience.

I am waiting for an explanation of just why your organisation has apparently recently become full of bleeding heart do-gooders? I had understood that you had always kept a tight grasp on your minions and underlings, and kept them away from attempting to ease the pain and suffering of others? Right now, however, I gather several of your organisation's officers have rushed off in several directions to attempt to prevent harm in occuring in situations involving the ones currently known as 'Aidan' and 'The Bard'.

Joek's voice is not pleased, but he maintains the smile. "What we do in our own organization is hardly your business, wyrm. We protect the Board, whatever the result may be to its inhabitants."


Joek hears the enormous dragon outside, and sighs. He walks outside.
He is disturbing, to say the least. Some of his skin seems to have been stripped from his bones, his face is practically a skull, and his eyes bulge out, flowing red. He smiles grimly at the dragon.

"Yes?"


A note: Most of what is ahead happens before the big dragon comes, until it reads 'your cue'. There was a big editfest.
Meanwhile, Joek wanders into the study where Stina had been reading mere moments ago. His eyes fall upon the book, and the page that it is on. He swears. With a word, he destroys the book. "How did they find that?! I thought I had destroyed all of them...what to do?" He hesitates, then makes a decision. "They must be stopped. For the greater good. Guards!"


Joek scratches his chin. "I wonder...but very well. Kobold Cleaver, I am putting you in charge of this siege. If it fails, I will hold you responsible."


Joek glares at Kobold Cleaver. "Your team failed. Funny thing, though: You sent 17 new recruits on the trip. Losses were terrible because of this. And now three of our best soldiers cannot help in the siege because they are banned from the Eyrie. Kobold Cleaver, please explain to me how this is not a sign of your true loyalties.


Suddenly, Esmerelda and Meepo collapse. They try to rise, but cannot.
Joe smiles grimly.
"Sorry,Mom and Dad. You talk too much."
The bodies vanish.
Joe turns to Kobold Cleaver.

"Get back to work."


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
"Do not worry, I understand the threat." Kobold Cleaver sighs and goes back to his book.

Joe nods and leaves, leaving Kobold Cleaver to his work.


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:

Joe walks into Kobold Cleaver's study.

"How is it going, Kobold Cleaver? Have you determined the cause of the danger?"
"Unfortunately not. My abilities are limited by the destruction of the Cleaver. Without it, my magical powers are sadly diminish."

"Well, try harder. This is serious business, and our numbers are still far too small to combat it without knowing more."


Joe walks into Kobold Cleaver's study.
"How is it going, Kobold Cleaver? Have you determined the cause of the danger?"


Very Tempermental PlantJack wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:

Suddenly, a cloaked figure appears.

"Actually..."
The figure takes off his hood. Under it is a skeletal kobold, with a strange orb in one eye. But it is Joe.
"...It could."

Plantjack leaps back in horror, causing him to lose his grip and fall.

"YouAAAUG!

Joe raises a claw and Plantjack stops falling.

"You know, I should really kill you both. You jeopardize the mission. But Lynora is too powerful for me to fight, amazingly, so the bint and the plant will live. I will give you two a warning, now, and that is quite generous of me: Kobold Cleaver could be instrumental to the return of the order. So there will be no interference, or someone dies."
He vanishes.


Suddenly, a cloaked figure appears.
"Actually..."
The figure takes off his hood. Under it is a skeletal kobold, with a strange orb in one eye. But it is Joe.
"...It could."


Cultist of Jack wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:
"Hey, I just felt something weird. Like something's happened to my roleplaying counterpart."
Pulls out a baseball bat with nails through it. Get back in the basement before we play kobold pinata.

"Bloody fascists...."


"Hey, I just felt something weird. Like something's happened to my roleplaying counterpart."


A few hours ago...
It is a slow, dull night at the clubhouse. Suddenly, Joe flies out from the basement.
"Free!" He shouts, and blasts the door apart. He flies out, into the night.


Frat Jack wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:
Anarcho-Syndicalist Peasant wrote:

The peasant screeches

"Leggo you Fascists!"

Joe groans.

"Don't let them put ya in the electric chair. It hurts like hell..."
Naaah. it tickles funny... can't you stand a jolt? Wussy!

"Stupid hunk of metal..."


Anarcho-Syndicalist Peasant wrote:

The peasant screeches

"Leggo you Fascists!"

Joe groans.

"Don't let them put ya in the electric chair. It hurts like hell..."


Joe sneaks in, looking nervous.
"Um, guys? You're the wind guys, right? It's just, we haven't seen you lot in a while. And, well, we could really use your help."


Everyone hears a voice coming from the basement.
"Hey, did we just get stuck in the RPG pocket dimension? Great! Maybe this place will be less painful than the True Board!"


*Poofs in*
WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!


I'M FREEEEEE!!!!!
*Runs into thread, part of a plot to lure other aliases into thread*


Can I com--
*Is shushed as Pepsi Commercial begins*


Adj. Reginald, aide-de-camp wrote:

Runs alone side Cousin Joe, pouring coffee into his mouth as he does so from a french press.

Master Joe, Sir, aren't you supposed to still be in the basement, undergoing Jack-conversion? Why aren't you Joe-Jack yet?

YAAAAA!!!!!! COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!!!! MAKE FUNNY SOUND!!!


....
*Runs in stark naked*
YAAA!!! NEED MORE COFFEE!!!


Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:
Panama Jack wrote:
...standing in the cold shallow water. Of course, at that moment, I realized my mistake in having already used the legendary fang of Umbagalathinga...PJ is momentarily distracted by Frat's rummaging, when a bear trap snaps shut on his arm in a trunk full of oriental rugs and silk kimonos. Frat old boy! The humidor with the Cubans is over by the octagonal stand by the divan. No, the divan opposite the hookah. Anyway, as I was saying, there in the dim light we beheld the shades of the Utratabai. Their fierce, pale eyes glowed like aquamarines in the darkness of the well, some 20 or 30 feet further down the passage. At that moment, the kid-goat that Reggie had tucked into a sling around his neck bleated, and I remembered my Homer. Turning and taking the goat, I held it and my gurka knife before me. "Accept this blood and give us passage!" I said to the shades. They moaned lowly their assent, and as the poor beast's hot blood gushed forth into the waters of the well, they stepped aside and knelt down to drink, and we did pass. So proceeding with only the beam of our single bulls-eye lantern to guide us into the recesses...
Goat murderer. Killing an innocent beast to save your own stupid hide.
Get..back...to...the...electric...chair...NOW!

Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Bloody peasant.
Hey cuz, you help me out? I'm being oppressed.


Panama Jack wrote:
...standing in the cold shallow water. Of course, at that moment, I realized my mistake in having already used the legendary fang of Umbagalathinga...PJ is momentarily distracted by Frat's rummaging, when a bear trap snaps shut on his arm in a trunk full of oriental rugs and silk kimonos. Frat old boy! The humidor with the Cubans is over by the octagonal stand by the divan. No, the divan opposite the hookah. Anyway, as I was saying, there in the dim light we beheld the shades of the Utratabai. Their fierce, pale eyes glowed like aquamarines in the darkness of the well, some 20 or 30 feet further down the passage. At that moment, the kid-goat that Reggie had tucked into a sling around his neck bleated, and I remembered my Homer. Turning and taking the goat, I held it and my gurka knife before me. "Accept this blood and give us passage!" I said to the shades. They moaned lowly their assent, and as the poor beast's hot blood gushed forth into the waters of the well, they stepped aside and knelt down to drink, and we did pass. So proceeding with only the beam of our single bulls-eye lantern to guide us into the recesses...

Goat murderer. Killing an innocent beast to save your own stupid hide.


Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:
CDP's Therapist wrote:
Zo, CDP tell me about zees feelings of inadiquicy you have been feeling. Vat was your relationship like wiz your mother?
Hey Doc, if you think that CDP needs shock treatment the Jacks will gladly loan out our electric chair.

Yes, please lend it out! I'm getting a bit...unconscious...


Hey, cuz, I bought this cool 'kobold cleaver trap' thing, what do I do with it?


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Frat Jack wrote:
Mmmm.... I don't know, we kinda like you KC, I'm not sure about you cousin, but we can give him a beat anyway if you want to >;D

Thanks, guys. You're the best.

Hey, cuz! It's those Jacks I told you about! They're inviting you to join their club!

Gosh golly, that sure is swell of them


Johnathan Livingston wrote:
Big Mammy Grillz wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:
You guys is gonna pay for eatin' mah cuz.

Points at the scaly critter

FROGGY! There goes dessert!

Mine, mine,mine...ayup...Mine, mine....

Hey, cuz? Ha, ha, very funny. Now come back an' untie me! You were jokin', right, cuz? Right? RIGHT?! Don't you DARE teleport away! My mum's gonna kill ya for this! Don't you darer teleport! Don't you--ah crap.


Butterfrog wrote:

Ma'! me wants kobawld for dinna!

*go fetches the Kobold Cleaver +1/2 for Ma1*

Cuz! He's trying to eat me!


No response? Good. I win.


Hey! Tree! Are you aware that your irritation is a sure sign of a mistletoe infestation!
And LastKnightLeft! You know how you're scratching your butt a lot? That's a sure sign of a worm infestation!


Uh-oh....I was kinda counting on my Aunt bailing me out of this fight.
Hmmm.....something witty....something that will strike fear into the heart of the enemy....


Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:
The Masked Rogue wrote:

*Sets up convenietly placed table.*

"Alright folks, there's another brawl in the boards, and you know what that means. Place your bets here. The Knight and Plant are equally matched, with the Kobold in a distant third, for his lack of witty reparte. Place your bets, place your bets!"

Yeesh, I go to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I come back, people are already insulting me.

However, I don't have the time to fight for my stupid cousin. He'll have to fend for himself. At least LastKnight won't have to change the name.
Bye, all!
BOOOOOOOOO!

Uh-oh....tough crowd.

Um, a kobold, a knight, and a tree walk into a bar...


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
The Masked Rogue wrote:

*Sets up convenietly placed table.*

"Alright folks, there's another brawl in the boards, and you know what that means. Place your bets here. The Knight and Plant are equally matched, with the Kobold in a distant third, for his lack of witty reparte. Place your bets, place your bets!"

Yeesh, I go to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I come back, people are already insulting me.

However, I don't have the time to fight for my stupid cousin. He'll have to fend for himself. At least LastKnight won't have to change the name.
Bye, all!

Whaaat? Wait! Cuz, come back! C'mon! This ain't funny! You aren't still mad about that time when you were in 1st grade and I embarrassed you in front of your friends by showing them your geeky shaman spellbooks, are ya? Hey, come back!


Mairkurion {tm} wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:
He hurt me bad, cous!

Sigh...fine, Joe.

*Draws Cleaver*
Last Knight, you need to change the title. It should read, 'Lastknightleft vs. Mairkurion {tm} vs. Kobold Cleaver'.
There it was again...I thought there was some sound clashing with my fine tenor. Did you here that funny little sound, Lastknightleft?

Hey! You can't talk that way to mah cous! Get 'em!


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Mah Cousin Joe wrote:
He hurt me bad, cous!

Sigh...fine, Joe.

*Draws Cleaver*
Last Knight, you need to change the title. It should read, 'Lastknightleft vs. Mairkurion {tm} vs. Kobold Cleaver'.

Go get 'em, cous!


He hurt me bad, cous!