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Aaah, those were the days. It was so laughably easy to kill those idiots back then. I was almost ashamed that I charged for assassinating them. Lucky for me, I'm a professional and won't let shame get in the way of profit. Those new-fangled ones, on the other hand, often are a real challange. They're no longer already braindead. Those do-gooder gods these days, they actually allow them to think for themselves. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Well, for one the people of Cheliax live under a demon-worshiping totalitarian regime.I think a local Hellknight representative would like to have a few words with you. Indeed. It's devil-worshipping. For some grubby peasant, there might be little difference, but for the devils and demons themselves, as well as the wealthy and powerful in, say, Cheliax, that is one hell of a difference.
There's a big difference between playing through actual adventures, and just earning ca$h during down time. Finding a chest full of a zillion gold coins isn't a 'job', it's an 'adventure' It's a job for me. Yes, my job is awesome. Even more if you consider that it also pays me to kill people I don't like anyway (but then again, I don't like anybody much)
I know, right? Everyone gets to call himself "assassin" these days. Some of those guilds have not standards at all. "Oh yeah, just kill some random bloke just to watch him die and we'll let you in". Disgusting. Professional work ethics keep me from doing anything about it. I'd like to just murder all those "assassins" - I'll call them jackassassins from now on - in that pretender guild, but I can hardly do so just for fun. Anyone want to put a hit on them? Let's say two copper pieces.
As an aside, I think it's a little creepy (in a McCarthyist sort of way) that Mr Betts status as a Pathfinder player and his place in this community has been called into question just because he defends Wizards (yes, he "proved" that he did play Pathfinder, which made me laugh, but that's not the point). I guess now it's my turn to say "what the heck, internet?"Your Paizo card will be confiscated shortly. Do not leave your present whereabouts. Do not contact anyone. Under no circumstances are you to look at a Pathfinder core book. The System has spoken! The deviant and enemy sympathiser will be dealt with at once. All hail our Infernal Overlords!
Chelaxians breeding with devils or Galtans all being bloodthirsty decapitators.But these are both true, objective facts... I can't tell you about those punks over Galt way, but Chelaxians do not breed with devils. Such actions are frowned upon. It's just not done. It's like diddling the help. That's why tieflings and half-fiends are regarded as the lowest form of rubbish there is: Someone broke the law and bred with fiends, and didn't even have the sense to make sure they don't conceive. Having a hell-touched child is a surefire way to lose all status and wealth in the Chelish community, as well as your freedom and other rights. And, of course, if the fiendish ancestry of that child should turn out to be abyssal, the destruction of everyone involved becomes a priority for the Empire. Which reminds me: I have work to do.
Instead, I come up with a central idea for an adventure path (such as "The PCs are all Shoanti tribals whose homeland is invaded by aggressive colonists from a technologically advanced nation run behind the scenes by devils") That, and one of the things we keep bringing up when we want a good laugh!
Damn hippies. Commie hippies to boot. It seems the Galtan Crusade against Common Sense and Sanity was a rousing success.
If we could have this matter dealt with before midnight it would be most pleasing to me...Yeah, good luck with that. Thanks to Andoran socialized healthcare, I'll only fail the save versus your assassin's death attack on a natural 1. Oooh, listen to our bigshot here, Ser Delusius? So you're all but immune? What about your loved ones? Here, let me check...
Listen to Mister Free Waterfall Junior here. Damn Andoran hippies. You get that bird next to your name when it becomes clear that you're a featherbrain who's high most of the time. Fairykissers and their poultry patron saint.
Yup. And if you're like me, and you don't have the chance to play in any society games, you can still put the symbol next to your name. Hell, we need as much help as we can get against those Chelaxian bastards! We need to negotiate the terms of the contract. Public? Setting and Example? Excruciating? Making it look like an accident? Friends and families, too?
You're a bloody disgrace. The Infernal Hierarchy has informed me that very soon you will be a very lucrative contract - one I will gladly execute, because you deserve to be slain! This is an Infernal Contract. They are not supposed to be fair to the Faust wannabe. That's the whole point. Those bird-curer goody-two-shoes praying to Serenrae or some other daft benefactors would want to be fair, but Infernal Contracts, by their very definition, are brokered between a mortal (hereafter called the Sucker) and Hell. And Hell doesn't play fair. However, they will seem fair at the time, or more than fair - the usual modus operandi is to trick the fool into believing he has tricked the Dark Forces into giving him too much and asking over too little. In this case, there is a good course of action:
Spoiler:
The guy will get power, and in return, all he has to do is promise to do Hell a favour when asked sometime later.
And, depending on what you prefer, this could be one of two things: Remember what happens to people who break contracts. Both really nasty things, of course, but that's what happens if you make a deal with the devil... And both will have repercussions during the campaign, not after. And, no matter what you do, his days as a priest of Abadar are over, of course. No matter what you actually sign over when you sign an Infernal Contract, you're going to Hell for it. He's lost to Abadar, and the Master of the First Vault will not grant powers to a weak-minded fool like that. But I'm sure Asmodeus can use another inquisitor. If you want to give him a last chance, let Abadar send him a vision, making it clear where he is going with this and what can happen (and what will happen) to people who sign Infernal Contracts. The good old "Are you sure? YES/NO" message box popping up before you permanently format your Redemption drive. If the character goes through with it after that, he deserves what he gets.
Nobody keeps them from making their own contracts. Or, if there is someone, and that someone is their deity, they could oust the betrayer from their midst.
A level is boring, but for a contract like this, you have the power of Hell at your beck and call. Grant the ability to manipulate and/or invoke Hellfire, call devils to help him, get the powers of a devil, gain another domain, maybe even with associated domain spells, from among the list of Asmodeus's domains....
Or they put a hit on you, and some unscrupulous hitman kills you for the money. I think I'll by myself a new sword.
That doesnt change anything at all, a creature with less than 5HD still wont have an aura, imo it is more of a safeguard for neutral aligned creature commiting the occasional heinous act and then donating to the local orphanage to balance out =pI read that as DETONATED an orphanage. I laughed out loud. It was self-defence!
IF there were already a houserule that anyone of evil alignment write something else down instead on their character sheet and tell no one. What? Deny that I'm more sensible than those brain-impared dunces? The diabolic, tyrannical world view of Lawful Evil is the most, no, the ONLY sensible alignment. Why would I debase myself by pretending I had been dropped on my head once too often as a child and now thought it was anything less than epic-level stupid to make sacrifices for others, including total strangers who by right I can, should, and must suppress for my own benefit? Get real, tool. Plus, it is so much more fun to work with a bunch of care bears for some greater goal (like the destruction of a demonic cult that threatens the region's stability) when you wear your pentacle open and proudly, letting them know just who and what you are, and watching them squirm, knowing they need me along for this mission. Double bonus if the party contains a paladin!
I'm all for it. Screw all that "goodness" nonsense. It makes sense. Cheap, efficient labour. If any peasant complains - instant promotions to zombie worker are just a stab and a spell away. In fact, let's all cross the Border, except for those peasants, who will be re-branded (and actually branded) as cattle. Blood bags, the lot of them! A proper civilisation strives on the exploitation of the lower masses, anyway. Who says they can stop serving their social betters just because they're dead. They're lucky we're not proposing to use their souls as a cheap power source. Wait a minute...
First thing I check. Standard procedure? Ever heard of the guy who tried to pass me copper for gold? No? Neither did anyone else ever again.
Dear ask a Shoanti, I don't know whether you're the right guy to ask this, but I have nowhere else to go, and so I'll just go and ask you! I'm in a serious moral conundrum: I recently took out a hit on some successful but fatally scrupulous merchant. The agreed-on compensation was 3000 gold pieces. But when I later opened the bag, it turned out to be 3000 platinum pieces! Just in case these civilised currencies are unknown to you: That's 10 times as much as the asking price! He certainly didn't overpay me by that much intentionally. So you can surely understand the dilemma I am in: Do I need to share with my guild?
All right, I'll disappear him - you know my standard rates and where to deposit them.
I killed with chocolate on several occasions. Most of them were with poisoned sweets and sugared ices, but once it was an actual chocolate dagger. It's amazing what those gnome alchemists can come up with when you tell them "I'm having a party with many guests and I need a confection that will slay them". Spoiler:
Remember that most gnomes don't get most connotations in our language. They take things *quite* literally And the pompous Taldane fop told me that gnomish confections are to die for. Joke was on him.
Fire cancer... I hear people contract it in their sleep after asking too many questions. It looks just like someone doused you with lamp oil and set you on fire in your sleep, and watched, laughing, as you burned to death. I hear Andoran will have an outbreak of this soon, conicidentally afflicting everyone who was at a certain meeting badmouthing Cheliax.
True story: We assassins always destroy silly important items when we catch a guy in his sleep. Sure, we could beat his head in with a big sword or hammer, or cut him open like a fish and feed him his own innards (and, if you want to get rules techy, get a x4 crit with power attack and sneak attack in), but we somehow don't do that. Oh, and a hint: I'm lying through my teeth. I hope you all sleep well tonight. Especially the one I'll visit as soon as he/she/it is fast asleep. *goes and sharpens his sacrificial katar*
By this logic, mercury, lead and cyanide are also not poisons in Pathfinder, as they are also not listed under poisons. Excellent! This kind of loophole is exactly what a Chelish assassin like me thrives on! I think I'll have a disguise as a barkeeper in Andoran. My specialty: Turpentine Twister!
Well, how many hippies have you killed lately? And with hippies I mean those enemies of Cheliax. Special treatment goes to the top ranking slayers only. "Face that launched a thousand ships" my ass. The rivers shall run red - red is the colour of luv! }> Abrogail..since the demise of Queen Ileosa definitely top of the hot evil Queen charts Aaah, Ileosa. There's someone bound for speedy promotion to Erinyes, or no one ever will.
Kirth don't you ever really get tired of this? We get it, poor melee characters will never measure up. Swallow the blue pill and wake up then.Yeah, I know. It's bad form to mention that the emperor isn't wearing any clothes! Yeah, last time I mentioned to my queen that she was naked, I got a spanking. Aaah, good times!
Yeah. Now she just has "pact with the devil immortality". Oh, and her Imperial Assassins. I have to thank you for your frantic shouting, though: Three of those chicken knights were so excited by this that they dropped their cover. Expect them back soon. In a week. To start with. You might get them back completely. Eventually. It's interesting to watch her Highness work...
Hail to the Queen! That's why I like bowing to our royalty. The view is is great from any angle. I think three more assassinations this month and I become an Imperial Assassin. Gold's the same, but there are certain.... benefits. Speaking of work: Is any of you a respected historian hell-bent on preserving the so-called "facts of history"? Because it's bonus week.
since there is 0 chance of winning this That's what you get for messing with the Empire, you punk. Go vote your president or something. Of course there is no chance of winning. You try to turn Cheliax against Cheliax. Doesn't work. We're united under our infernal leadership. "Here I come, and Hell comes with me" and all that.
*decides for this time to go for the easy path and give the lictor of the order of the nail the address of the guild Jarod learned that shameful trick and gives them the list of crimes they commited... she waits outside making her nails and killing the stupid ones who though they could pass True Sight* There's so much wrong with that idea, I can only list some things:
We all mock justice. The Hellknights call it their favourite pastime. They're all about order. Justice is one of those jokes the wounded-bird-healers just don't get.
Actually, the guildmasters just showed us a neat new trick. They have a really pompous name for it, as usual, but I shall call it "and stay down!" Basically, when I kill something, it stays dead. Take that, Red Mantis Amateurs. Observe:
So do your party ("sprinkling diamond dust to raise someone from the dead" is church euphemism for snorting coke if I ever heard one) and try your magic. See if it works this time. By the way, I didn't kill that one just because. I was hired. His wive thinks he was unfaithful (I found out he wasn't, but didn't bother to tell her, I might have lost an assignment). In mortis lucramus, as always. |
