Golarion Goblin's page

Legit. Thank you.

Dunno if this should be here or the Third Party board, but here goes: Let's say I was making a 3P monster from outer space. I know I can't say "It's from Marata, the forest moon of Bretheda", but can I give it Maratian as its language and say "It's from the forest moon of a gas giant, check Distant Worlds for more planetary info"? Which is less likely to get me in hot water?

I'm gonna redo Aldern as a Slayer. Seems to fit his singleminded and obsessive nature than just Rogue.

Dotted... for no evil reason whatsoever.

Dot.

Just out of curiousity, any idea the main product or the honorable mention pdf are coming out?

Shadow (Bestiary 1)

Puppeteer (CR +2): Puppeteer shadows appear thinner and more elongated than others, their smoky fingers tapering to inky black strings. They can take over a creature's shadow and control their movements and attacks, often times using a slow-witted and slumbering warrior to slay his allies. The touch of these shadows deals Wisdom damage instead of Strength damage and they gain the following ability.

• Puppet Strings (Su): As a move action, a puppeteer shadow can attempt to wrest control of an adjacent creature's shadow. The target must make a Will save (DC 10 + 1/2 the puppeteer's HD + Charisma modifier) or have their physical actions controlled by the puppeteer. The puppeteer can only make the target take a single move action and a single standard action on the shadow's turn. The target may attempt a new Will save at the start of its turn, and if it succeeds the target may act normally. Once a target succeeds on a Will save against this ability, it cannot be targeted by the same puppeteer for 24 hours. This is a mind-affecting ability.
  The create spawn supernatural ability only affects targets killed while under the effect of this ability, and the shadows spawned are normal shadows in all regards.

Soul Eating (CR +0): Soul eating shadows are tinged a deep, dark purple instead of the matte black of regular shadows. While their touch is less potent than a normal shadow's, that touch feeds and bolsters a soul eating shadow. A soul eating shadow's touch, regardless of the type of ability damage it deals, only deals 1d4 points of ability damage to a living creature, but gives the shadow temporary hit points equal to the amount of ability damage inflicted. A soul eating shadow can only have a number of temporary hit points equal to half its total number of hit points. The typical soul eating shadow is found with 2d4 temporary hit points.

Name: Chastity Mother F#ckin' Jones
Race: Human
Class: Cavalier, Order of the Penitent
Adventure: Rivers Run Red
Location: On the snow-covered road leading to the capital city of Mercy
Catalyst: Kingdom Event - Bandit Attack

The Gory Details
Ten, rather prosperous but uneventful, months into the first year of the nation of Erlosung, banditry reared its ugly head again. Exactly a year since they first came to the Stolen Lands, our intrepid group of adventurers and settlers strode out to meet the brigands. Admittedly, most of the players were a little bored after a couple of hours of setting up their new nation, and wanted to get their d20's rolling. What they met was a group of mutated and diseased gnolls led by an enormous ogre wielding a massive ogre hook and what looked to be a small balista strapped to his back. The gnolls snarled out a hollow "we're appointed by the rulers to collect tolls on this road", which made the actual king burst into laughter. Combat erupts, the gunslinger and wizard start making easy work of the gnolls while the rogue, warpriest, and Chastity headed towards the ogre king. The ogre manages to get some pot shots off with his massive longbow, only to bull rush the warpriest into the crude barricade the gnolls had across the road, knocked the preist of Gorum to negatives. Spending a Hero Point, Chastity charged the ogre with her ranseur, pole-vaulted up and over the beast, landed next to the fallen warpriest and then dumped a potion of cure serious wounds down his throat. Sadly, the ogre king took this opportunity to lay into Chastity, hitting critically and dealing 70 points of damage to the level 5 cavalier and striking her stone dead. They remainder of the party prevailed and carried Chastity's remains back to Mercy. A state funeral was held and monument erected in her honor, and the holiday of Founder's Day was renamed to Chastity Day. She will be missed.

Holy crap, in my years of DM'ing this was my first full on PC death. Kinda feel bad because it was a random fight, but things like this happen. Chastity's player already has a dwarven barbarian taking form to set up a brewery in Mercy.

We just finished up book 1. My PCs have only killed about 5% of the bandits I've thrown at them. During the first encounter with Happs, our wizard used arcane mark, prestidigitation, and his redonkulous Bluff check convinced Haps and the other two surviving bandits that they were geas'd to serve the trading post for a year and a day. All told they've got about 20 former bandits, not including Akiros, "under their spell" so to speak. This, coupled with their cavalier of the penitent order and their gunslinger with his ranks in Profession (sheriff), led them to name their capital city Mercy.

My suggestion is to simply change smite evil to smite "that guy". If the smite goes against their code, ie: a protector of the innocent smiting a non-combatant, the smite doesn't work, just as though the target were non-evil. Alternatively, if the smite is in line with the paladin's code, ie: a liberator of slaves smiting a slaver, the smite functions like the smite is against an evil outsider, undead, etc.

So, one thing I didn't see looking through the submission instructions: What sources are we allowed to use? I've got an idea that involves a template from Green Ronin's Advanced Bestiary. Are we ok to use that, or do we have to stick to PF OGL only?

Spoiler:

I haven't really had a chance to get thinking on this subject, but here's some stuff floating around in my head (that I'm not interested in developing farther myself);

There totally needs to be a Hellknight Magus archetype, that wears heavier armor and has a smaller and more focused spell list.

Infernal Alchemy Discoveries? Such as an Infernal Mutagen that adds the advantages of the Fiendish simple template to the user, when he goes all Mr. Hyde? Hellfire bombs, half fire damage and half unholy divine power?

Cheliax themed Bardic Masterpieces, including, of course, operatic performances?

Themed spellbooks with preparation rituals, a la Ultimate Magic, probably focused on infernal conjuring, but perhaps also divination, abjuration, etc.

An Infernal Ascension feat progression by which a normal human (or whatever) can expose themselves to infernal influence and eventually gain the Fiendish Simple Template applied to themselves. (Starting with X rounds per day, building up to a full time transformation.)

Infernal Theurgy, a means by which a wizard can devote himself body and soul to Asmodeus, and replace his Wizard School spells and abilities with Domain spells and abilities, as if a Cleric.

The Order of the Burning Pentacle, a coven of Witches whose Pact is with the Supreme Devil of Magic, Asmodeus himself, and who have the Prince of Lies as their Patron, a preference for goat familiars, and series of hell and devil and Asmodean-themed hexes (such as Binding Contract and Fires of the Thrice-Damned and Taint of Evil).

...those are all awesome. I wish I had thought of them first. [/covetous glare]

As an owner of the original book, I'm very excited about this. Really bummed I missed out on the KS, but I'm most definitely going to pick this up once it prints. I plan on using the manimal on our cavalier's mount in my Kingmaker game, so seeing an updated version will be great.

First off, big congrats to the top three. Great job!

Sure can. Here is the list.

• Muddite (Oread/Undine)
  
• Quarlani(Android/Samsaran)
  
• Chylde (Changeling/Skinwalker)
  
• Kulit(Gnome/Wayang)
  
• Fauntaurs(Centaur/Faun)
  
• Shai'ruk (Orc/Oread)
  
• Waveling (Halfling/Undine)
  
• Diavesper (Tiefling/ Dhampir)
  
• Sawuagin (Elf/Malenti)
  
• Purrlings (Catfolk/Vanara)

And while I might not have made the top three, I'm glad to see that 4 of my 5 submissions made it to the honorable mention list.

EDIT: I'd be all for the honorable mention pdf.

Thanks for the opportunity Scott. Fingers crossed. I, for one, would love to see the honorable mention pdf.

Two words: Samsaran. Android.

christos gurd wrote:

Little Red Goblin Games wrote:

@DarthPinkHippo

Looking forward to it!

We just got a great entry last night! (Wavelings) Can't wait!

yep, that one blew me awau folks. Keep em coming!

Sounds like a lovechild of an undine and a halfling.

*scrolling through the thread*

Glad you guys liked it. Hopefully I'll have more before the 3rd.

So, when we do up the example creature, can we use the hybrid classes from the new playtest? It seems fitting.

Seeing this 11 days after it was started. CRUNCH TIME IT IS!

EDIT: Are any and all races ok for mixing?

Next up, Bluuvi the Brawler!

Bluuvi

Bluuvi always loved throwing things at other things; Darts at birds, rocks at frogs, uneaten bird and frog remains at other goblins. Then one day she happened across gnome with a shiny metal tankard. She threw that at the gnome. Now she has shiny, dented tankard, and a bunch of new stuff!

Female goblin brawler 1
NE Small humanoid (goblinoid)
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft; Perception +6
---------------
Defense
---------------
AC 17, touch 14, flat-footed 14 (+3 armor, +3 Dex, +1 size)
hp 12 (1d10+2)
Fort +4, Ref +5, Will +2
---------------
Offense
---------------
Speed 30 ft
Melee short sword +3 (1d4+1/19-20 x2), handaxe +3 (1d4+1/x3), or unarmed strike +3 (1d4+2/x2)
Ranged javelin +6 (1d4+2/x2, range increment 40 ft), short sword +6 (1d4+2/19-20 x2), or handaxe +6 (1d4+2/x3)
---------------
Statistics
---------------
Str 13, Dex 16, Con 12, Int 8, Wis 15, Cha 6
Base Attack +1; CMB +2, CMD 15
SQ Martial Maneuvers
Feats: Improved Unarmed Strike*, Throw Anything
Traits: Advantageous Distraction, Heavy Hitter
Skills: Acrobatics +6, Climb +4, Perception +6, Ride +6, Stealth +10
Combat Gear: potion of jump, potion of magic fang, potion of resistance
Other Gear: small hide shirt, 2 small short swords, 2 small handaxes, 6 small javelins, small backpack with "J. K. Hurdenskoal, Esq." stitched in gnomish, a tattered and bloody gnome-sized scholar's outfit, small belt pouch, poorly stuffed woodchucks stitched together (equivalent of small bedroll), flint and steel, dead turtle stuffed with spoons in various states of repair (equivalent of small mess kit), 50 ft of hemp rope, grappling hook, 6 torches, 2 half-drunk vials of animal glue, bent flute, half-full jar of pickled mushrooms, turnips, and mice (equivalent of 2 days worth of trail rations), dented and blood-stained metal tankard with a screw on lid, also with "J. K. Hurdenskoal, Esq." etched in gnomish (equivalent of small waterskin), 7 gp, 8 sp, 9 cp

Bluuvi is currently Martial Maneuvers to grant herself the Point Blank Shot feat. Her base stats are:
Ranged javelin +5 (1d4+1/x2, range increment 40 ft), short sword +5 (1d4+1/19-20 x2), or handaxe +5 (1d4+1/x3)

---------------
Song
---------------
Bluuvi jump and Bluuvi kick;
She throws her sword, in you it stick;
Hear her screaming, you get sick;
Bluuvi punch you in the kneecap!

How did a party hit level 4 before the stag lord? Unless you threw a lot a lot of stuff at them with the random encounter table.

I'm using this 6-player conversion. Alexander has conversions for all of them here.

Interesting idea. I kinda like the idea of Auchs as someone who hurts things with his hands.

He jumped off the upper floor yelling "OH YAAAAAY!" in his best kinda slow Macho Man imitation. He got gored by the cavalier's auroch and immediately focused on "Bad Kitty".

EDIT: So have they confirmed that levels in the hybrid class count as levels in the alternate classes for feats? I'm assuming so, given that you gave Auchs Weapon Specialization as his martial maneuver feat.

I forget where in the Advanced Classes Board the answer specifically is, but yes, they do count as levels in their "base" classes.

Oh god why would you do that to a poor level 3 party? You gave the Stag Lord more HP, AC, DR5 Cold Iron, more damage, and all 9 levels in a full BAB class?

A favored targeted player can take from 11-18 damage per arrow! If he uses the Stag helm, favored target, then fires one arrow he will do D8+10+3D6 damage on his first attack.

My PCs are level 4, and were built with a 22 point buy. Granted, if the wizard didn't go all Spiderman, I more than likely would've been dealing with a dead PC. Maybe even two. However, this is the first time they were really worried. They steamrolled bandits and mites, made allies of kobolds, and have obliterated the threats they couldn't convert to their cause using a combination of fantastic teamwork and creative tactics. While I was worried that one of the party would fall, I wouldn't have had them face him at that level. I knew that they could take him, I just didn't know how. The cleric preparing hold person was a surprise to me, though the 3 staring back up at me when he asked for the Will save certainly didn't hurt their chances for survival. All in all, they had a blast. 14 mooks, Brawler Auchs, Dovan, the Stag Lord, AND Beaky the Advanced Owlbear. They wouldn't have had me do a thing different.

New classes, new goblins.

Ronk

Ronk comes from a long line of tree-dwelling goblin shamans. Many, many, MANY of his forebears have had the honor of "Best Flamey-Handed-Fire-Boom-Boom Maker" in the Licktoad tribe. Though try as he might, Ronk can't master even the simplest of fire spells. And that makes Ronk just SO very angry...

Male goblin bloodrager 1
CE Small humanoid (goblinoid)
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft; Perception -1
---------------
Defense
---------------
AC 16, touch 12, flat-footed 13 (+3 armor, +3 Dex, +1 shield, +1 size, -2 rage)
hp 14 (1d10+4)
Fort +5, Ref +3, Will +1; +2 vs. fire spells
---------------
Offense
---------------
Speed 30 ft
Melee trident +6 (1d6+4/x2, range increment 10 ft) or punching dagger +6 (1d3+4/x3)
Ranged javelin +5 (1d4+4/x2, range increment 40 ft)
Special Attacks Elemental Strikes (3/day, swift action, +1d6 fire to melee damage for 1 round)
---------------
Statistics
---------------
Str 18, Dex 16, Con 16, Int 8, Wis 8, Cha 12
Base Attack +1; CMB +4, CMD 17
Bloodrage (6 rounds per day)
Feats: Fire Tamer
Traits: Goblin Foolhardiness, Axe to Grind
Skills: Acrobatics +10, Climb +6, Diplomacy +1 (+3 vs. goblins), Intimidate +5 (+7 vs. goblins), Spellcraft +3
Combat Gear: potion of cure light wounds, 2 flasks of alchemist's fire
Other Gear: small wooden armor, small light steel shield, 6 small javelins, small trident, small punching dagger, hollowed out dead raccoon (equivalent of small backpack), crudely made horse hide pants, human commoner's shirt (equivalent of small blanket), well-used flint and steel, severly dented dwarven helmet (equivalent of small iron pot), small belt pouch, 5 pounds of burnt toad skewers (equivalent of 5 days of trail rations), 10 torches, 8 tindertwigs, a mostly cured goat's bladder (equivalent of small waterskin), candle helmet, 10 beef tallow candles, 2 days of firewood, a weasel named Bitey Fuzz, 6 gp, 8 sp, 8 cp

When not raging, statistics are:
AC 18, hp 12, Fort +3, Will -1
trident +4 (1d6+2/x2), punching dagger +4 (1d3+2/x3), javelin +5 (1d4+2/x2)
Str 14, Con 12, CMB +2, CMD 15
Climb +4
---------------
Song
---------------
Ronk get angry just for fun;
Ronk's flamey hands make you run;
Ronk make the battles all be won;
Ronk stab with fork and make you done!

A little bit of cross-posting from the Advanced Class boards...

My party was just about to finish the first Kingmaker book, The Stolen Lands, so I took the opportunity to test out some of the new classes. I'm running with 5 well-statted PCs, so I'm using the six player fan conversion.

Auchs

The Stag Lord

Auchs performed like a champ, elbow-dropping our cavalier from the upper floor and almost knocking off her mount. He held off the cavalier, her auroch mount, and the cleric of Gorum, dealing scads of damage bare-handed. While that was going on, the Stag Lord made the cleric his favored target (from cover and hidden) and sunk an arrow into the holy warrior's side. Luckily for the cleric, not close enough for sneak attack.

Mobility is incredibly limited due to the party wizard's web, so those engaged stay close. With a quick jab from Auchs, the cleric drops to negatives, and the cavalier responds with a yard of steel through the simpleton's spine effectively ending the brawler playtest. The Stag Lord, still hidden thanks to fantastic dice rolls, switches his favored target to the wizard and lets another arrow fly. Still standing, the wizard dumps a healing potion down the cleric's throat. The cleric, now in the positives, sits bolt-upright and hits the Stag Lord with hold person, turning the villain from threat to statuary, and then statuary to bleeding pile.

Overall, the brawler feels good. Nicely balanced between fighter and monk. The martial maneuvers, for an NPC, only really add a feat. It's nice to be able to swap on the fly, but the average NPC lasts a few rounds at most. It's something that I really want to see a PC use before I pass judgement.

The slayer has a LOT of potential for wrecking faces. Admittedly, I tried keeping him as "canon" as I could, so instead of trying some of the more interesting slayer talents, he just took more feats. I really want to toy with more of the talents. Deadly Range, Slowing Strike, and Sniper's Eye would have drastically changed the shape of the battle (if our wizard hadn't gummed up the battlefield with his web...).

All in all, the brawler and the slayer feel like a lot of fun, I just need more time to play with them.

My party was just about to finish the first Kingmaker book, The Stolen Lands, so I took the opportunity to test out some of the new classes. I'm running with 5 well-statted PCs, so I'm using the six player fan conversion.

Auchs

The Stag Lord

Auchs performed like a champ, elbow-dropping our cavalier from the upper floor and almost knocking off her mount. He held off the cavalier, her auroch mount, and the cleric of Gorum, dealing scads of damage bare-handed. While that was going on, the Stag Lord made the cleric his favored target (from cover and hidden) and sunk an arrow into the holy warrior's side. Luckily for the cleric, not close enough for sneak attack.

Mobility is incredibly limited due to the party wizard's web, so those engaged stay close. With a quick jab from Auchs, the cleric drops to negatives, and the cavalier responds with a yard of steel through the simpleton's spine effectively ending the brawler playtest. The Stag Lord, still hidden thanks to fantastic dice rolls, switches his favored target to the wizard and lets another arrow fly. Still standing, the wizard dumps a healing potion down the cleric's throat. The cleric, now in the positives, sits bolt-upright and hits the Stag Lord with hold person, turning the villain from threat to statuary, and then statuary to bleeding pile.

Overall, the brawler feels good. Nicely balanced between fighter and monk. The martial maneuvers, for an NPC, only really add a feat. It's nice to be able to swap on the fly, but the average NPC lasts a few rounds at most. It's something that I really want to see a PC use before I pass judgement.

The slayer has a LOT of potential for wrecking faces. Admittedly, I tried keeping him as "canon" as I could, so instead of trying some of the more interesting slayer talents, he just took more feats. I really want to toy with more of the talents. Deadly Range, Slowing Strike, and Sniper's Eye would have drastically changed the shape of the battle (if our wizard hadn't gummed up the battlefield with his web...).

All in all, the brawler and the slayer feel like a lot of fun, I just need more time to play with them.

Matthew Shelton wrote:

Curious now: the name "Arcanist"

what pronounciation do you use?

(a) arr CAN ist

(b) arr CANE ist

(c) ARR can ist

I've never had to say it out loud. Mentally I began with version B but at some point without noticing I've starting using version C and it's stayed that way.

i generally use B unless it's got a setting specific pronunciation (such as in some video games).

you also forgot (d) ARR cahn ist

I've been pronouncing it ar KA nist.

Im currently running RotRl and the hole bunch of villains is going to get an overhaul:

** spoiler omitted **

Glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I'm gonna be running RotR in a few months, and I'm already thinking similar changes. I'd keep Gogmurt the same though, IMHO. My Kingmaker party is literally at the Stag Lord's fort, and I think that Staggy may get a Slayer redo.

Dotted and stolen.

For the love of the Nine, plan out "random" encounters. Nothing breaks the flow of the game like rolling out whether or not an encounter shows up and what it is. Use everything you have to foreshadow everything else. Random troll encounter? He's an envoy from book 2. Tatzlwyrms? Slap a fey-type template on one of them. Show hint and teases without giving your party the full info.

And don't be scared to pad out some of the encounters. Big, mean monsters are nice, but the fight turns into a bit of a boring blanket beat. Adding some similiar enemies or interested terrain helps a bunch. I've got a litter of Tusk-lets for the Tuskgutter fight, and while the party is dragging the carcasses back to Oleg's I'm gonna run a threeway fight between the party, a pack of wolves led by a worg, and a hungry grizzly bear. Here's hoping I won't be adding anyone to the obituaries.

Here's what I've cobbled together from my ideas and Threeshades.

One more thing:

- Spells: Clerics, druids, magi, witches, and wizards prepare one less 0-level spell than they would at 1st level. Inquisitors, oracles, and sorcerers know one less spell than they would at 1st level. Magi, witches, and wizards have a number of cantrips equal to 3 + their Intelligence modifier in their spellbook/familiar at 0 level. Magi and wizards also have read magic in their spellbook as well.

While it's not expressly needed, I'd suggest to PCs playing a 0-level wizard to lean towards their favored school, if they're picking one.

DOT!

I, for one, love the idea of the pre-adventurer adventure. Here's my 2 cp:
- No class bonus to saves or attacks. Just roll stat modifiers.
- Proficiencies: Choose one weapon and one piece of armor that your class is proficient with. Maybe fighters could have all simple weapons and one martial weapon.
- Use Hero Points. Trust me, these will help. Be liberal with them. What's heroic to an adventurer is very different than what's heroic to an apprentice.
- No feats from levels. Humans still get a feat.
- One trait at 0 level.
- Skills: The trained class skill bonus should only be +1 and not +3. They're still learning.
- For the purpose of spells, 0 level technically counts as first for rounds/minutes/damage per level. Also, a 0-level PC counts as a 1/2 HD creature for spells like sleep.

Now, as for making 0-level adventures, I'd suggest using a lot of measely, little threats. Goblins and kobolds with broken weapons, undead forest critters, drunken bandits with no armor, stuff like that. Maybe the boss is a warrior that has proper armor and weapons, or a first level spellcaster of some sort.

Looking forward to more.

how about golems being immune to magic?

Golems are immune to spells and spell-like abilites. Bombs do not emulate spells, and therefore golems are not immune to them.

Golarion Goblin wrote:

Timitius wrote:

2. Bestiary entries are not separate articles. They, therefore, do not quite hold up to the 750 or 1500 word limits. Most monster entries are 300-500 words, with the playable race ones hitting 750. As a general rule, no monster entry should be over 750 words in length. Anything longer merits being its own article.

Thank the Nine. Is there a limit as to just how many monsters can be submitted?

No limit, but I'd rather see QUALITY over QUANTITY. Just keep that in mind. No need to swamp us. Just send your best ones.

Possible final question: Should I send each monster individually, or just send them as a bunch?

2. Bestiary entries are not separate articles. They, therefore, do not quite hold up to the 750 or 1500 word limits. Most monster entries are 300-500 words, with the playable race ones hitting 750. As a general rule, no monster entry should be over 750 words in length. Anything longer merits being its own article.

Thank the Nine. Is there a limit as to just how many monsters can be submitted?

Dotting for when I get home.

Four monsters? 1,700 words total?

They must be tiny-sized...

One is a race with PC options while another is an undead template. They ate all the words...

Me: Woo-hoo, ideas! Four monsters should totally be enough for a bestiary article.

Computer: You sure?

Me: Yeah yeah. Here. I finished the stats. How much farther do I have to get to 1.5k words?

Computer: ...we're at just over 1,700 words.

Me: ...sonuvacrap. TIME TO DO SOME CUTTING!

Dotting for later.

Dotted for later.

If you're looking for a pretty durn good adaptation of the Rise of the Runelords AP, take a look at Tales from the Rusty Dragon. I helped with the channel divinity feats, and honestly love what Scott did with it.

Another quick question: If I were to submit a Bestiary article, are there restrictions on introducing new playable races? Would that be an auto-reject? Would a player race be better suited to its own article?

Very nice. I may change the template to something more rage-y. As for a full-fledged secondary runewell, I'd make it broken, drained, and serve only as foreshadowing. Detect magic would only show a lingering aura with nothing really concrete to go on. Maybe one or two glyphs in Thassilonian with a hard Linguistics DC to decipher, and only then they'd be just small pieces of info. Stick a sinspawn skull hidden half-buried in the dirt at the base of the well, it's more human-like top half the only part visible, again to foreshadow future badness.

Quick question about art. If we make some, can we submit it with our article? What about maps for the side trek line?

Xeno-dot.

Dot dot dot.

IIRC, Green Ronin had done up an eye tyrant template as bonus content for their Advanced Bestiary. The pdf used an eye tyrant phase spider as the example critter. Aside from the anti-magic eye, you can customize which spells the eyestalks can shoot.

<tangent> For a Christmas in Candyland oneshot I ran, I had an Eye-Scream Tyrant Cookiesaurus Rex with cone of vanilla and atomic fireballs. </tangent>

I keep throwing cookies at the screen, but nothing's happening!

This sounds awesome, I can't wait.