Bigfoot 'n' Cleetus,
Are drinkin' paint thinner
They had possum fer breakfast,
And possum for dinner,
They's playin' the banjo,
And feedin' moskeeters,
And fartin' like champions,
Are Bigfoot 'n' Cleetus.
At the El Cerrito DMV (DMV)
Mah darlin' said she'd wait for me (wait for me)
But after four hours in the queue,
She forgot she'd said, 'I do'
And went back with mah best friend to Albany (wah wah wah waaaah)
Oh, chicken fyungers, 'n' buffalo wyungs,
Could not cuuuure, mah poor heart's pain!
Chicken fyungers, 'n' buffalo wyungs,
'N' freedom fraaaahhs, at Raisin' Canes!
Ah could give yuh, a million dollars
Ah could give yuh, a dahmond ryung
But whut ah caaanot give yuh, darlin'
Are chicken fyungers, 'n' buffalo wyungs!
Based on what seems to be a popular activity with a small minority of the US population...
CC: Ah'm pointin' ma gun at ma peepee!
JT: Ah'm pointin' ma gun at mahn too!
CC: Took off the safety catch, cuz Ah'm no dang byatch,
JT: Got Facebook ready too!
CC: Ah'll make sure there's a round in the chamber,
JT: You've got out ya phone to take a pic,
CC: Press down the shutter now - *BANG! BANG! BANG!* OWW!!!
JT: Aw Chuck, ya just shot off yer dick! (We gonna be famous!)
What I learned working with our red shirt (they got all the new guys red shirts so it's quite literal): The smell of tobacco and red bull DO NOT go together, at all.
but these are macho manly men, singing macho manly songs!
I smokes mah smokes at the tractor pull,
Ah punches the drywall and ah drinks Red Bull,
Ah ain't got no shame at the football game with mah beer gut on display,
Watchin' sweaty men grapplin' with a big leather ball, Gahd bless you, USA!
Of course the first day this week I decide to go without my shuffle so "I can hear what's going on around me" is the day I work with a hardcore country fan.
He's a good kid, great work ethic, bright, but damn does he need some taste in music.
Hey! Country's (sometimes) good music!
Mama,
Mah truck
Is goin'
To prison {ooh ooh ooh ooooh}
No longer
Will it ride
The highways free
Somebody robbed
The jeweller
Now it's goin'
To the cooler
Ah blamed mah truck, when really,
It was me.
Oh Mama,
Will the Lord On High forgive me,
For doin'
Such a goldurn
Dirty thing?
All ah taste is salty tears,
Every time
Ah drink mah beers,
And ah howl like ah'm in torment,
When ah sing.
In some reality, these lines are from an AO3 or Chuck Tingle novella titled "Turtley Enough for the Turtle Club", starring Mario Mario and Mitch McConnell.
DM's note: OK Slaad, your alignment had already shifted well into Neutral Evil territory. You can stop now. Please. Stahp.
Edit: Ooo, a Twilight fanfic, except with were-turtles instead of vampires.
'Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Shape-Shifting Stalin Lookalike Spirit Of Tidying-Up And Amphibious Princess Rescuing'
I'm a truckin' Slaad from a lil ol town in Limbo
I bin truckin' ever since I left the egg
I bin truckin' some turduckens
Dussacken, pucks and Russians
'Til the proteans stopped climbin' up my legs
I'm truckin' cuz ah luvs mah dear ol' Mama,
I'm truckin' cuz the modrons killed mah dog
And if things get really nastri,
I'll say a prayer to Wastri,
And end mah life as a Lawful Evil frog.
My father finds it baffling why I have 7 bottles of hard liquor in various states of consumption, two of which are rum and three of which are whiskey. He just doesn't get it.
One needs Irish whiskey for simple, basic whiskey drinking. Nice and earthy, makes a body comfortable.
One needs a special whisky for more "been doing really good lately" drinking. Ideally this would be scotch, but the overpriced French whisky does the job just as well.
One needs bourbon for watching/reading Westerns/other American fiction.
One needs tequila for getting rowdy.
One needs gin for getting a bit rowdy but not as rowdy as tequila.
One needs black rum for dark mixed drinks. Very assertive, makes itself known through cola well.
One needs light rum for lighter mixed drinks or drinking straight. Nice and versatile.
You are already 7/10's of the way to writing a good or better country & western song.
CC: Waaal, Irish whuskey's basic
JT: Good whusky makes ya fly
CC: Readin' Zane Grey without bourbon
JT: Makes Marty Robbins cry
CC: Ah gets tanked up on Tequila, in Tijuana Town
JT: But dark rum and Coca-Cola or cheap gin will calm me down
Omnes: OOOOH, SEVEN TYPES OF LIQUOR, THAT'S JUST ENOUGH FOR ME
THOUGH I SQUISHED MAH DOG 'NEATH MAH BRAND NEW TRUCK
AND MAH CLOTHES SMELL OF CAT PEE
MAH WIFE'S PONKIN' MAH TWO BEST FRIENDS
BENEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE
BUT SEVEN TYPES OF LIQUOR, WILL BE ENOUGH FOR ME
Organized Play Characters
Lorelendral Teklet
HP 69/69 AC 21, 13, 20(18 T 12 FF 17); bab 7, (scimitar) +9/+4, (lt xbow) +11; F +10 R +7 W +11; INIT +3; Perc +22; CMB +6 CMD 19; channel 8/8 | gnome cleric(theologian)/5; exalted/6 | -01 *
"Whiskers"
hp 24/24; AC 21, t 12, ff 19; F 7, R 7, W 1; bab 4, cmb 6, cmd 19; move 30 (40 if unarmored or charging), climb 20, swim 20; init 2; perc 8 | riding rat
'The Artist'
hp (18/73) 59/59; AC 24 (20 t15 f16); F 10, R 9, W 7+2 fear; bab 5 +12 melee +10 range; cmb 4 cmd 18; init +4; EP 5/7 halfling magus (eldritch scion)/7
Alaric Morgain
hp 37/40 AC 18, 18t, 17ff, fort +6 refl +5, will +8, bab 3, melee 6, ranged 4, cmb 7, cmd 21, init +1, move 40', elem fist 4/4, ki 6/6 | oni-spawn tiefling monk of the four winds/4 | Image
Allain
HP 11/11, Sta 7/7, res 4/4; EAC 14/15, KAC 15/16, ACvsCM 23/24; fort 2, refl 3, will 2; bab 1, melee 1, ranged 4, thrown 1; init +3 | drow solarian / 1
skills:
acro 7, bluff 3, diplo 3, disguise 3, intim 7, perc 4, pilot 3, sm 0, stealth 7
(47
posts)
Alric Morgaine
HP 32/32, AC 18, DR2/armor, F +2, R +7 W +4, bab 3, melee 3/6, ranged 6 CMB 3, CMD 17, init+2, perc +14 half-elf Bard(Archaeologist)/4
(274
posts)
Anjelica
HP 5/12 | AC 16, t16, ff14 | BAB 1 melee 3 missile 3 | saves: F 3, R 4, W 6 | CMB 2, CMD 17 | init +2 | move 30 | aasimar (garuda-blooded) plumekith paladin (divine hunter)/1 | monk (zen archer)/1
skills:
acro 8, climb 6, craft: fletcher 5, diplo 3, fly 4, heal 4, know local 4, perc 8, perf: oratory 6, sm 6, stealth 6, surv
(135
posts)
Arcthyl
hp 33/38 ac 24,12,22 (22 12 20), f 6, r 3, w 7, melee 7, ranged 5, cmb 7, cmd 19 (22 grpl), init +2 saurian shaman druid/5
skills:
acro 11, bluff 10, hndl an 8, k geog 4, k. nature 6, perc 11, sm 3, stealth 7, surv 10, swim 4
(159
posts)
Arhiel
AC 20/16t/18ff (12/12t/10ff) ; hp 35/35; saves: F 4 R 4 W 6; bab 3, melee 3, ranged 5; CMB 3, CMD 15; speed 30; init +4; human sorceror/6
Daichi Fujito
HP 50/50; AC 21 (T 16, FF 15); saves fort 9, refl 7, will 7; bab 5 melee 8, ranged 7, CMB 8, CMD 20, init +2, MP 5/5, KP 7/7, loh 7/7 human aristo/4, warrior/1 | Enlightened Paladin, tempered champion/5 | Mythic 1
skills:
acro 6, bluff 11 diplo 13, handle animal 9, intim 10, k hist 7, k geog 7, k eng 7, k local 10, k nobil 8, k nature 7, ling 7, perc 4, perf: sing 8, perf oral 10, ride 10, sm 7, swim 7
(159
posts)
Destany Marr
HP 10; AC 17 (T 13, FF 14); saves fort 2, refl 2, will 2; bab 0 melee 2, ranged 2, CMB 2, CMD 15, init +2, perc +5 human oracle (metal)/1
(76
posts)
The Eclipse
hp 53/53; AC 20 14 16 (16 t14 f12); F 4, R 9, W 6; bab 5 +6 melee +10 range; cmb 6 cmd 19; init +8; wclw 41; wcmw 10; inspir 7/7 | halfling Vigilante(magical child)/7 active: feather step, barkskin,
Fionnbharanel
HP 50/50; AC 23, (T 13, FF 20); saves fort 5, refl 2, will 7 (+4 v s fear/despair);bab 3 melee 3, ranged 4; CMB 3, CMD 17; init +3; cleric (theologian)/5 F gnome
Gurrr Blaktalon
HP 22/22; AC 17/t16/ff12; f 1, r 9, w -1; bab 1, melee +7/8, ranged +7/+8; cmb 1, cmd 17; init +6; ki 2/2 | goblin ninja/2
skills:
acro 11, bluff 6, disguise 5, disable 11, escape 11, fly 6, handle animal 5, intim 6, know local 6, ling 5, perc 4, ride 10, slt of hand 11, stealth 17, umd 6
(63
posts)
Hareth
hp 49/49 AC 16, t15, ff14, saves F 9 ref 8 will 10, bab 5 melee 7 ranged 7, cmb 7, cmd 22, init +3, loh 6/6, honor 25 aasimar paladin(divine hunter)/2, monk(zen archer)/3 | cohort of Azrael the Avenger
skills:
acro 11, climb 6, craft bows 8, diplo 8, escape 8, fly 4, heal 3, intim 7, k nobility 4, k religion 5, k hist 4, k local 1, perc 10, perf sing 9, prof: soldier 9, ride 7, s mot 7, splcrft 6, stlth 6, surv 5, swim 6
(53
posts)
Hijiro
HP 42/42; AC 20 (T 16, FF 20); saves F +3, R +11, W +3 (5vsfear); bab: 4; melee 5(+9), ranged +9; CMB 5, CMD 20; speed 30; init +5, Kitsune Swashbuckler Rogue/6
skills:
acrobatics 20, bluff 12, climb 9, diplomacy 8, disable 15, esc artist 9, perc 14, perf: comedy 7, perf: dance 7; craft: carpentry , sleight of hand 15, stealth 15, know: local 13
(485
posts)
Hijiro Hakamura
HP 16; AC 15 (T 14, FF 11); saves F +0, R +7, W +0; bab: 1; melee 1(+5), ranged +5; CMB 2, CMD 16; speed 30; init +4; perc +6 kitsune Rogue/2
(32
posts)
Inëlûkii
18/28 hp, AC 12 T 12, FF 10 bat: 16, 16t, 14f; F 7, R 6, W 4*, bab 2, melee 2, ranged 4; cmb 2 cmd 14; init +2; sonic blast rta 2d4+3, hero 3 | bloodmarked (werebat-kin) skinwalker vibrokineticist / 3 | image
skills:
acro 8, diplo 6, fly 8*, intim 5, know engrg 3, know local 8, ling 3, perc 7*, perform: sing 7, stealth 9, umd 7 | *+2 at night
(272
posts)
JAFO's pregen alias RAIA | sp 20/20 | hp 24/24 | rp 6/6 | EAC 16 KAC 16 | fort +1 refl +3, will +4 | melee 5, ranged 6 | init +2 | Female damaya lashunta xenoseeker technomancer / 4
skills:
Computers +14 (4 ranks), Diplomacy +7, Engineering +11 (4 ranks), Intimidate +5, Life Science +14, Mysticism +8, Physical Science +11, Piloting +9 (4 ranks); (reduce the DCs of Life Science checks to identity rare creatures
(114
posts)
JAFO's pregen alias cinq MERISIEL HP 10/10; AC 17, t 14, ff 13; f 2, r 6, w 1; bab 0, melee +0/4, ranged +4; cmb 2, cmd 16; perc +7; init +4 | elf rogue / 1
skills:
Acrobatics +7, Climb +5, Disable Device +8, Escape Artist +7, Knowledge (local) +4, Perception +7 (+8 to locate traps), Sleight of Hand +8, Stealth +7
(31
posts)
JAFO's pregen alias deux KYRA HP 59/59; AC 19/t 11/ff 19; f 7, r 4, w 10; bab 5, melee +8, ranged 5; cmb 7, cmd 18; init 0; human cleric / 7
skills:
Diplomacy +12, Heal +14, Knowledge (religion) +10, perc 4
(131
posts)
JAFO's pregen alias quatre MERISIEL HP 10/10; AC 17, t 14, ff 13; f 2, r 6, w 1; bab 0, melee +0/4, ranged +4; cmb 2, cmd 16; perc +7; init +4 | elf rogue / 1
skills:
Acrobatics +7, Climb +5, Disable Device +8, Escape Artist +7, Knowledge (local) +4, Perception +7 (+8 to locate traps), Sleight of Hand +8, Stealth +7
(105
posts)
JAFO's pregen alias trois KESKODAI | sp 4/7 | hp 12/12 | RP 5/5 | EAC 12 KAC 13 | fort +1 refl +1, will +6 | bab 3, melee 0, ranged 1 init +1 | RP 3/5 Shirren priest mystic/1
skills:
computers 2, diplo 5, life sci 5, medicine 5, mystic 9, perc 8, pilot 2,
(99
posts)
Kaii
HP 10/10; AC 15, t 15, ff 10; f 1, r 7, w 1; bab 0, melee +3, ranged +5; cmb 3, cmd 18; perc +7; init +5 | aquatic elf rogue (tidal trickster) / 1
skills:
acro 9, appr 4, bluff 10, climb 3, disable 9, disguise 8, escape 9, intim 4, know dungeon 10, know local 10, know all others 6, ling 8, perc 7, slt of hand 9, stealth9, swim +11, umd 8 11
(2
posts)
Kei Hikaru
hp 77/77; AC 20 t17 f15; F 5, R 10, W 5; bab 8, +9/+12 melee +12 range; cmb 9 cmd 22/24; init +9; wclw 19, panache 5/5, DR 2/- | tengu swashbuckler (whirling dervish)/5 | living monolith/5
hp 14/20 | ac 13 13 12 | F 3, R 3, W 10 | bab 1, melee -1, ranged 2 | cmb -1 cmd 10 | init +1
mikobito shaman 2/investigator 1
skills:
acro 5, appraise 4, bluff 6, craft alch 8, diplo 6, disable 6, escape 5, handle anml 6, heal 5, intim 6, k nature 11, k dung 11, k arc 12 k planes 11, k eng 12, perc 10, sm 8, splcrft 8, stealth 1/5, surv 9
(321
posts)
Kithariel
hp 35/35; AC 14, t 14, ff 13; F 5, R 5, W 7 +2 vs ench; bab 3, melee , ranged ; cmb 5, cmd 16; move 40; init 1; wand clw 47, wand mg armor 50, 5/5 ki pts; elf zen archer,quinggong monk/4
Kwiazy
HP 200/200; AC 27, t 22, ff 17; f 9, r 18, w 8; bab 16, melee +30/+25/+20/+15, ranged 25/20/15/10; cmb 23#, cmd 41#; init +16; panache 9/9, charmed life +5, 6/6 | goblin swashbuckler (mouser, wildstrider) / 16
skills:
acro 36^, bluff 24, climb 7, escape 18, *handle animal 11, intim 25, *know geog 11, *know hist 9, know local 13, know nat 9, perc 22, *perform dance 23, slt of hand 14, stealth 29, surv 1/3/4, umd 17
(549
posts)
Leithe
hp 19/11; AC 16 t13 f13; F 5, R 3, W 4; bab 1 +4 melee +4 range; cmb 1 cmd 14; init +3; arc pool 4/4 half-elf magus/2
Masao
hp 20/20 AC 17, 17, 15, fort +4 refl +6, will +7, bab 1, melee 4, ranged 3, cmb 3 cmd 15, init +6, perc +10 M oni-spawn tiefling monk (of the 4 winds)/2; inquisitor(preacher)/2
(274
posts)
Mikal Karoly
hp 11/11; AC 13 t13 f10; F 4, R 3, W 2; bab 0 +3 melee +3 range; cmb 0 cmd 13; init +3; perc +4; sm +0; low-light and darkvsn; arc pool 4/4 male half-elf magus/1
skills:
craft: alchemy 10, escape 3, fly 3, kn arcane 8, kn dung. 7, know local 4, know history 5, perc 4, perform: dance 2, ride 3, spellcraft 10, umd 5
(67
posts)
Mixz Shadowfoot
hp 45/45; AC 17, t15, f12, fort +3, refl +9, will +2, bab 4, melee 5/8, ranged 8, cmb +5, cmd 19, init +6, ki 4/4 ; goblin ninja/6
skills:
acro 18 (incl +5 magic), bluff 10, disguise 7, disable 13, escape 13, intim 12, know local 7, perc 8, ride 8, slt of hand 13, stealth 18
(91
posts)
Mugmuff Darktalon
hp 80/80 | AC 25, t19, ff23 | F 6 (8 poison), R 13, W 4 | bab 6 Melee 9/13), ranged 13 | cmb 9, cmd 27 | init +7 | ki 7/7 | goblin ninja/8
skills:
acro 23, bluff 9, disable 18, disguise 11, escape 18, intim 12, know local 12, kn nobil 10, know rel 5, ling. 7, perc 12, perform dance 9, perform sing 9, prof cook 9, ride 11, sm 1, slt of hd 14, stealth 24 (26), umd 12
(505
posts)
Quinlan
hp: 30/31; AC 19+2 (AC 15 ff 12 t 13); fort 3, ref 8, will 3; bab 3, melee 3, ranged 6; CMB 3, CMD 16; init +4; perc +11; insp 6/7; panache 5/5; harrow pts 2/2 | daemon-spawn tiefling investigator (empiricist)/3 swashbuckler (inspired blade)/1
Rakhel
hp 10/10 AC 11/ff10/t11 , F 1, R 3, W 2 (+6 vs c/c), bab 0 melee 0, missile 1, cmb 0, cmd 11, init +2 aasimar (peri-blooded) flamedancer bard/spirit summoner (heavens)-1
Seijiro
AC20 (T 16, FF 14); HP 86/86; saves F +6, R +16, W +7; bab: 6/1; melee 8/1(+13/8), ranged +12/7; CMB 8, CMD 24; speed 30; init +6(+8); perc +11(13)(+15) mp 2/5 | kitsune rogue (pirate)/7; bard(sea singer)/2
skills:
acro 21(23,26), appr 11, bluff 6, climb 11, dd 17, disg 5, esc art 10, fly 9, intim 8, k local 5, k geog 6(8), ling 8, perc 11(13,15), prf: harm 8, prf: act 8; pr: sail 11, sm 2, soh 13, spcrft 6, stlth 19(21)(23), swm 10
(2,889
posts)
Shya
AC 13 (13/11/12) ; hp 10/10; saves: F 3 R 0 W 2; melee 4, ranged 2 (bab1); CMB 4, CMD 15; speed 30; init +1; angel eidolon/1
skills:
acro 5, perc 4, perf dance 5, umd 4
(1
post)
Sjora
HP 16, AC 14, 12, 12; saves F 1, R 2, W 3; bab +1, (Melee +4, Ranged +3); CMB 4, CMD 16; init +2; perc +6 angel-blooded aasimar oracle (metal)/2
(103
posts)
Ssetheen
hp 48/48 AC 12, T10, FF12 saves F 3, R 1, W 7, init +2, spd 40, cmb 1, cmd 11 raptorian shaman/5
skills:
bluff 3, diplo 11, fly 8, heal 8, know local 8, know nature 8, know planes 8, linguistics 4, perc 6, sm 4, splcrft 11, surv 9
(63
posts)
Tae
hp 44/51; AC 18 (14 t14 f11); F 5, R 7, W 4; bab 3 +4 melee +7 range; cmb 4 cmd 17; init +8, conc +15, spd 30, wih 25 | halfling crossblooded sorceror / 7. Spells: 1-6/7, 2-7/7, 3-5/5
Tzardüsk
hp 33/33 ac 14/t11/ff13, F 4, R 3, W 10 (+1 ench), bab 2, melee 3, ranged 3, cmb 3, cmd 13, init +1, spd 30, perc 9 half-orc shaman(speaker for the past)/3
skills:
bluff 2, diplo 9, disable 7, intim 13, k. nature 5, k hist 5, k local 5, ling 5, perc 9, sm 3, splcrft 6, surv 7, umd 7
(262
posts)
Valgwyn Endris
HP 25/25; AC17 (T 11, FF 16); saves F +6, R +1, W +5; bab: 2; melee 7, ranged +3; CMB 7, CMD 18; speed 20; init +6; loh 5/5; smite evil 1/1; angel-kin aasimar paladin/2
Varian
AC 11/t11/ff10; hp 16/16; saves: F 1 R 3 W 5; bab 0, melee 1, ranged 1; CMB 1, CMD 13; speed 30; init +1 half-elf investigator/1 wizard 1
skills:
Acro 2, appraise 4, bluff 8, craft alchemy 13, diplomacy 8, disable 5 k arc 10, k nature 8, k local 8, k hist 9, k plns 9, k relgn 8, k dung 8, k engrg 8, perc 7, spellcraft 9, stealth 1
(377
posts)
Venja
AC 19/11/18 (12/t11/ff11) ; hp 63/63; saves: F 5 R 4 W 9; bab 4, melee 4, ranged 5; CMB 4, CMD 15; speed 30; init +5; aasimar (peri-blooded) Witch (winter)-5/Winter Witch-4
skills:
Acro 2, appr 5, bluff 3, diplo 6, fly 12, heal 5, intim 7, Kn arcane 16(17), know planes 10, know history 10, know nature 10, kn local 9, ling 9, perc 14, sm 3, splcrft 16(17), stealth 1, UMD 11/+2 hut
(1,287
posts)
Zeex
HP 27/37; AC 18, t 16, ff 12; f 3, r 9, w 1; bab 4, melee +5/+8, ranged +8; cmb 5, cmd 20; init +8; panache 1/2 | goblin swashbuckler (mouser, whirling dervish) / 4 | image
skills:
acro 14, bluff 7, climb 9, escape 10, intim 9, know local 7, perc 7, perform: dance 7, prof sailor 6, slt of hand 9, stealth 10, swim 7