Ulysses feels as if he can see each individual grain of sand aloft in the wind. He begins Neoing his way around them, dodging as if his life depends on it... and then he realizes he is wearing goggles. He stops and looks sheepishly up at Melech, hoping the big man didn't notice; Melech's s&~@-eating grin and laser focus on the chariot in front of them assures Ulysses that Melech wouldn't notice a tanglefoot bomb to the face right now.
It is odd to see Melech this way; ordinarily, Ulysses is the having-a-blast-despite-their-imminent-deaths role filler in the party. He feels an unexpected pang of jealousy at Melech's glee, but quickly realizes that there is no rule that only one of them can have fun at a time. He puts his hands on the lip of the chariot and pulls himself up on his tip-toes to better see the race course ahead of them, and whoops in harmony with Melech. "Let's GOOOO!!"
In all the confusion it's hard to see, but Danu spots a gaggle of children about to cross their path and grabs the reins, instinctively jerking them hard left.
Obie and Danu:
Obadiah and Danu manage to steer clear of the kids, their chariot going up on one wheel for a single nauseating moment before slamming back down on the sandstone street and racing forward. By now the marketgoers are finally realizing there are bloody chariots in the area and are diving for cover, allowing the racers to pass unhindered.
Event 10: Camel Souk
Just as the duo is about to reach the other side of the marketplace and the crowd is clearing, they see an immense half-orc merchant with a trio of camels, tugging futilely at their reins to get them to move out of the way. He turns and his mouth opens into an "O" as round as his belly at the approaching chariots!
1. Dodge the Fat Merchant: Handle Animal or Profession (driver) DC 20
2. Spitting Camels: Fortitude DC 15
----
Melech and Ulysses
The slayer and the bomber manage to overcome the blinding rays and sand to dart into an alleyway, the #1 chariot now within inches of them. The woman at the reins, her head covered tip to neck by a thick scarf, shows a pair of bright blue eyes that widen as she finally catches sight of her opponents. Her shock quickly turns to something else--delight? amusement?--before she spurs her camel on in an attempt to maintain her rapidly diminishing lead.
The two chariots burst out from the alleyway into a long, wide-open pavilion. The finish line is in sight, a pair of tall poles with a string of bright silk scarves tied across it. A huge crowd of onlookers erupt in a roar of applause as the two finalists race for the finish, neck-and-neck!
FINAL EVENT: Finish Line!
The woman spurs her steed ever-onward, and begins picking up the pace! She could very well retake the lead!
1. Fake Out the Competition: Bluff DC 25
2. Charge Ahead: Handle Animal or Profession (driver) DC 25
Melech and Ulysses are so far ahead now that Obadiah can't even see them. He isn't exactly surprised that they would excel at chariot racing; Melech is good at everything and Ulysses seems to just luck his way into successes. He and Danu are talented in their own right, but a chariot race may be a bridge too far, not to mention one with cultists actively trying to sabotage them and a populace with as much sense as a lost cattle on a dirt rally course.
Still, they are still in it! And alive! Maybe they can get themselves to the end in one piece.
He has almost forgotten that the whole point of this was to win a favor from a rather unsavory person. His life has certainly gotten interesting of late.
When he sees the poor half-orc and his poor camels, he can't fault the camels for spitting at them. Again he marvels at how the race course wasn't cleared ahead of time; he will be writing an angry letter to the city's safety inspector as soon as this is over. In any case, he has no hope of guiding the chariot out of the way, so he closes his eyes and mouth and tanks the shockingly accurate saliva missiles.
Melech doesn't need to know much about chariot racing to know that their opponent has a significant advantage on them. She is clearly a seasoned racer, while he feels like they've gotten this far on sheer luck and grit. He doubts whether they can outpace her in a flat-out sprint for the finish line, but he takes a moment to watch her technique: the way her weight is balanced in the chariot, the way she subtly handles the reins to inform the camels of her intentions, the commands that she shouts to her camel.
Once he feels he has a better idea how she works, he attempts a feint to throw her off of her game. Instead of its intended purpose, however, he only ends up confusing his own camel. Seeing themselves fall behind with the finish line in sight, he screams in desperation, "Ulysses, do something!"
Ulysses, who can still barely see over the lip of the chariot, looks up at Melech's plea. What does he expect me to do?
He quickly goes through his inventory.
Bombs... no, bombs are fine for cultists trying to kill us but no reason to hurt other racers or their camels
Alchemist's fire... no, same problem
Holy water... not really helpful... unless -- he stands on his tip toes to look at the other camel -- nope, not undead
He spent all that time doing alchemy with Leopold in his room; why didn't they make any smoke bombs, or even a thunderstone or two?! Most of his stuff is meant to deal damage, and he doesn't want to hurt anyone. He just wants to slow them down.
... huh
He pulls a tanglefoot bag from his bandolier. He is pretty sure it won't glue a half-ton camel at full tilt to the ground, but that's actually a good thing in this case. Coming to a sudden stop would not be a good thing for the camel, the chariot, or its driver. But if he can slow them down, just a little.
Also, he can't help but admit that he is a little curious what a tanglefoot bag will do to a half-ton camel running at full tilt.
Without giving himself a chance to talk himself out of it, he loads the bag into his bombchucker and heaves it at the camel (or, rather, where he expects the camel to be when it lands).
Obie and Danu:
One of the half-orc's camels plants its hooves and bleats a challenge at the oncoming chariot before hawking a gob of some hideous, viscous ooze that only tangentially resembles "spit" at them. Obadiah suddenly knows what that other driver went through with the chamberpot earlier, because HOLY F*$%ING S#!~ CAMEL SPIT IS IN HIS MOUTH AND IT'S SO F$+!ING GROSS and he immediately projectile vomits. That hits his camel and it is clearly about to come to a screeching halt in protest. Thankfully, Obadiah manages to keep his cool enough to yank the reins over hard and come to a rapid halt instead of smashing into the obstinate camel in front of them.
The race seems like it may very well be a loss for them at this point...
----
Melech and Ulysses:
Look. This was all going so well. No, really. You gotta believe me. It was going great. AND THEN THE GNOME HAPPENED.
Ulysses, in his excitement, forgets momentarily that they are on a fast-moving, bouncing cart drawn by a very excitable camel. He pulls the tanglefoot bag out and pulls back to throw it, but a loose cobblestone jounces him up into the air, and the tanglefoot bag sort of just flops down onto the ground between the two chariots. A wave of vivid green slop bursts out in all directions, snagging BOTH chariots and causing the camels to panic.
Alas, nobody keeps their heads enough to avoid disaster.
The tanglefoot slime instantly hardens, and is far more effective than Ulysses assumed. The camels both stumble and freeze in place. Thankfully it's just slow enough a hardening that it doesn't shatter their leg bones, but it does give them a painful jolt.
None of the drivers are quite so lucky.
All three fly through the air and smash into things. The woman and Melech both smash into tables of clay jars, which shatter and embed them with many shards before slamming into the walls of buildings with bone-crunching force. Ulysses instead flies into the crowd, taking out two gawking men and one hapless old lady.
Melech is pretty sure he has like 254 broken ribs, but is somehow still alive.
He glances over at his rival driver. She isn't moving.
----
Obie and Danu:
Unbeknownst to the father-daughter duo, they are actually still in the race!
This isn't what I planned at all.
Ulysses has time for that one thought before the spectators are kind enough to break his fall. He quickly assesses his injuries; he'll have some bruises but that could have gone way worse. A quick glance at the camels assures him that they are okay, if a little worse for wear.
He sees that Melech is battered and bloody; the big man has clearly gotten the worse of it, but they've all had much worse and come out the other side just fine.
Then, finally, he spots the other driver.
Oh, no. It's worse.
This is the one thing he didn't want! Stupid, stupid gnome! He leaps to his feet and sprints as fast as his little legs will take him to the other driver's side, not even thinking to check if there are other racers coming. When (if?) he reaches her side, he pulls a smelling salt vial from his bandolier, pops the cork, and waves it under her nose.
Please don't be dead.
Melech is much slower to react than Ulysses. He lies amid the splintered wood and shattered jars, moaning, for several long seconds. When he asked Ulysses to do something, he genuinely thought the worst that could happen was they'd get second place. The gnome has acted without thinking in the past, but rarely has he ever been reckless.
In fact, Melech realizes that part of the reason he isn't immediately getting up is that he is furious with Ulysses. Physical wounds rarely slow him down, but he finds -- to no small amount of surprise -- that he doesn't want to scream at his friend. Ulysses didn't belong in that chariot; he has a great many impressive skills, but they were all out of their depth with chariot racing. And putting all the pressure of winning on Ulysses was reckless and unfair of Melech. Ulysses just reacted, and he made a bad choice.
Melech gives himself a few more deep breaths. They hurt like hell, but he finds that focusing on the pain actually helps some of the anger dissipate.
Sweet Eye of Horus, Nevai really rubbed off on me, didn't he?
Finally, Melech rises to his feet, tenderly. The first thing he sees is Ulysses rushing to the other driver's side.
Oh, s&!!.
He is concerned for the other driver, but also ULYSSES IS IN THE RACE COURSE! ON FOOT!
Melech whips his head around to see if anyone is coming.
Obadiah fumbles in his pack for a handkerchief or anything to clean himself off with. He tries to remember if he's ever seen Danu cast prestidigitation, but then he finds a hankie and starts cleaning the foul combination of bodily fluids from his face and neck.
He starts to feel a gorge rise in his throat again.
He manages -- barely -- to choke it back and finish cleaning himself up. He starts to offer the handkerchief to Danu, then sees the state that it is in, grimaces, and drops it on the ground next to the chariot. She's on her own!
He mutters a quick apology to the half-orc and his camel, then turns to Danu. "Danu, if there's anything you can do to help get us started again, now is the time!" He resituates himself behind the reins and tries to encourage their camel to start running again.
Danu has no idea what to do. She's terrible with animals! All she knows how to do is read old stuff and sling magic! How is that supposed to--
She blinks and looks at the camel. "Huh. Magic."
She points a finger, casts a spell, and a shimmering light comes over the beast. "Gee! Gee!" she shouts, snapping the reins.
Danu and Obadiah:
At first, the camel simply bleats irritably at Danu, who snaps the reins once or twice more to try and get the old beast moving. When it finally moves, the whole freaking chariot ERUPTS forward like a bolt from a crossbow and careens down streets and alleys, even some of the spectators on the sidelines ducking away instinctively at how recklessly the chariot is blazing forward. The duo flies past several racers, coming in close proximity to two more chariots, one with a stodgy dwarf and one containing two Song'o halflings arguing frantically with each other as they struggle to gain ground on the dwarf. The father-daughter pair nearly wedge themselves between the two chariots before the haste spell finally dissipates and the camel returns to normal speed, looking for all the world like it couldn't give two s~&$s that it just broke every camel-speed record in the world.
----
Melech and Ulysses:
Ulysses pulls out the smelling salts, but they have no effect. Just as he starts to panic that he just accidentally killed the woman, Melech hustles up and assesses the damage. Despite a sizeable pool of blood from her ear and her left forearm jutting at a rather alarming angle, she's definitely still breathing. However, she looks like she'll bleed out eventually if left untreated.
----
Danu and Obadiah:
As the three carts enter the final stretch, a long, wide pavilion with huge crowds gathered on either side, cheering and hollering, Obadiah catches a glint of sun off shiny metal from the teeming masses right before more crossbow bolts come flying at them!
Event 12. Cultists in the Crowd
Those dang cultists are at it again. They just don't give up, do they?
Outrun Them: Handle Animal or Profession (driver) DC 25 (I will allow creative use of spells here for an alternative, since 25 is a bit high for you)
Fire Back: Ranged attack roll at -8 against AC 18 (again, will allow ranged targeted spells here too)
Ulysses breathes a heavy sigh of relief, pulls the potion of cure moderate wounds from his bandolier, and administers it.
He's not the most nurturing type, but he does his darnedest. "You're alive. Don't move." He looks up to Melech. "Get her off of the course!"
Melech's ribs scream at him in protest, but he ignores them, scoops the woman up, and carries her to safety. He lays her at the feet of some spectators, mumbles, "Don't move; we'll be back," then rushes back to where the camels are still attached to the chariots. He quickly examines their harnesses to see if he can release them and get them out of harm's way.
"Ulysses, I need help!!"
Ulysses elbows Melech out of the way and takes a look at the harnesses.
Obadiah doesn't remember invoking the spell, but his hand is suddenly enveloped in Bes's white, radiant fury. He shrugs, holds on to the reins for dear life with the other hand, aims the spell the best he can under the circumstances, and releases it.
Since Danu is terrible with animals, she struggles to find a spell she can cast to maybe give them an upper hand here.
Without much else to do, she shrugs, mentally apologizes to the halflings and their camels, and casts incessant buzzing on them.
Melech and Ulysses:
The camels, having more sense than some of the people, have already noped off the road and are huddled in a nearby corner between two buildings, bleating plaintively.
The woman stirs next to Ulysses with a groan.
----
Danu and Obadiah:
Obie's spell smacks one of the two snipers in the face with a burst of radiant holy light. He screams and falls backward. The flash also dazzles his buddy, whose aim is ruined. His bolt meant for Danu's skull instead embeds in the window sill of a pottery shop.
Danu's spell goes off, and the halflings--and their camel--cry out in shock before veering off to the side. The camel skids to a side-swiping halt, Osirion Drift style, and the halflings' chariot smashes into a pile of pillows a vendor had set up. She screams in fury and begins smacking the halflings with her fly swatter.
That just leaves the dwarf.
FINAL EVENT: The Finish Line!
Danu and Obie are neck-and-neck with the dwarf as the two chariots barrel down the final path, the finish line in view!
1. Fake Out the Competition: Bluff DC 25
2. Charge Ahead: Handle Animal or Profession (driver) DC 25
As they burst into the open courtyard, Obadiah sees the carnage that Ulysses has wrought. In a split second, he realizes that, against all odds, he and Danu are the last chance they have to win this race. Another split second later, he realizes that they have precisely zero chance to beat the other dwarf in a straight sprint for the line...
Unless...
Huh.
Obadiah makes a mental note to smack himself later, then briefly concentrates on his visualization of the mind spell, beseeching Bes for a skill he lacks: the ability to drive a chariot with practiced ease.
At any time during the spell’s duration, you can expend the spell’s remaining duration as an immediate action in order to gain a one-time mental enhancement associated with the ability score you chose to visualize, as detailed below. After you do so, the spell ends.
Intelligence: You immediately gain a flash of insight, and gain a number of ranks equal to your Hit Dice in any skill in which you have no ranks. These ranks last for 1 minute, during which time you can also treat that skill as a class skill.
Obadiah feels his mind take over the reins and drive the chariot as if by muscle memory.
I know kung fu.
He snaps the reins, calls "Yah!", and sends the camel barreling toward the finish line.
Melech's jaw drops as Obadiah and Danu hurtle down the final stretch to the finish line, in a position to win the whole thing. Then it somehow drops even further as a palpable aura of competence settles over Obadiah and he, incredibly, coaxes the camel to run even faster.
Of all the insane things this group has done together, this is somehow the most exhilarating. Melech briefly forgets that they almost killed a woman (not to mention a couple of camels) as his attention is fully captured by the race. He rises to his feet and whoops at the top of his lungs, then immediately doubles over from the intense pain in his still broken ribs.
The opposing dwarf snarls and tries to ram the father/daughter duo off the road. Their chariots smash together as Obie and Danu collide against each other and the right-hand rail, very nearly toppling over the side. The chariot tilts wildly with the uneven weight distribution, and the rival driver begins veering away to ready another sideswipe. Frantically, Obadiah dismisses his visualization of the mind spell with a small purple-blue burst of energy.
Divine power flows through Obadiah's body, traveling through his limbs as strange wispy purple strands like ethereal cobwebs. His head snaps back as the strands all smash into his hippocampus at once, pouring knowledge like a river into his mind. Bes' grace, he's going to have one Hell of a headache after this.
The rival driver swerves to try another sideswipe, but Obadiah gently pulls on the reins and leads the camel just out of reach. Realizing he missed, the other dwarf begins pulling away for another try, but Obadiah is ready this time, and keeps their chariots dangerously close. Understanding is pulsing through his brain like an entire library on driving mounts was crammed in there, and while pain throbs back and forth across his temples, he knows what he needs to do.
He realizes he understands the beast at his reins. More importantly, he understands the beast at the opposing dwarf's reins. He spurs their chariot forward, and with a flourish, snaps his whip directly above the other camel's head. Rather than a huge exaggerated reaction, the camel simply flinches and bleats plaintively. It's barely a reaction at all, really.
But it's enough.
The chariots, neck and neck, drift just a few inches apart, one just a hand's-length in front of the other. When the two chariots burst across the finish line to uproarious cheers, Obadiah and Danu are the victors!
Danu, without thinking, practically shrieks in Obie's ear as she throws her arms around him and yells "HOLY CRAP DAD THAT WAS AWESOME!!"
People crowd the duo and attempt to lift them up in the air whooping and hollering.
Meanwhile, the woman on the ground next to Melech and Ulysses groans and stirs. Her hood falls from her face, and bright orange-red locks surround a familiar--if battered and bruised--visage.
"Sweet merciful gods," she groans as she sits up. "I should've known it would be you two madmen who would almost kill me." Despite her harsh words, she grins at Ulysses. "Still, thanks for the drink. Much appreciated."
As the chariot coasts to a stop and Danu hugs him, Obadiah drops the reins and stands in shock. They won? How? From the looks of it, Melech and Ulysses were near or at the front when they had their incident (what in the hells happened there, anyway?), and that doesn't particularly surprise Obadiah. Melech has proven time and again that he is the most physically capable person Obadiah has ever met. But Obie himself? He's a cleric! A dwarven cleric, sure, so he is hardy, but until today he had never even ridden a horse, much less drive a camel-drawn racing chariot. And Danu is an admirably capable wizard, but her skillset isn't anymore tailored to a chariot race than his is.
He supposes he can credit Bes for that little push at the end, but until then, it was all him and Danu (and a handful of relatively minor support spells).
He absently pats Danu's hands folded across his chest. "Yes. 'Awesome.'" He turns and sees the jubilation in her face, and only then does he snap out of his shocked state. A grin slowly unfolds on his face. "Yes. Yes, I suppose it was, wasn't it?" He turns and looks back down the race course as the stragglers cross the finish line. "Perhaps we should check if Melech and Ulysses need our assistance?"
Ulysses's jaw drops when he sees Sigrun's unmistakeable red mane. He looks up at Melech, who is staring agape in the direction of the finish line. "Melech. Melechmelechmelech! Look who it is!"
Melech doesn't want to tear his eyes away from the frankly unbelievable scene at the finish line, but Ulysses seems quite insistent. Reluctantly, he looks down, sees Sigrun, and immediately wonders how in the hell he didn't recognize her before. You don't see many redheads in the desert.
He drops to his knees, winces and bites back a cry of pain, and looks over Sigrun.
Relieved that she doesn't seem to have any injuries that Obadiah can't take care of, he smiles. "Sigrun! I am sorry we almost killed you. We have a cleric." He looks up and is relieved to see Obadiah on his way over. "He will get you fixed right up, and then we can talk about how you ended up here."
When Obadiah and Danu arrive, he smiles and tries his best not to seem too hurt. "Obadiah! This is our friend. Can you help her?"
Obadiah suppresses a smile at the big man's attempt to conceal his shattered ribcage. Instead, he looks at Sigrun. "Well met, young lady. My name is Obadiah Sunspire, and this is my daughter, Danu Ibanuje. You seem to have taken quite a spill. Do you mind if I heal you?"
Sigrun immediately throws her arms around Melech. "I'm fine, I'm fine! It was a nasty spill, but I've been closer to death than that before!" She leans down and hugs Ulysses too. "I'm so glad to see you two in one piece! The news out of Wati has been slow to reach us, and all of it dire. Though I did hear the restless dead were finally put back down." She gives Melech a mischievous grin. "Wonder who's doing that was?"
When the cleric comes over, she glances at Melech with an inscrutable look, but it's quickly gone, replaced by a huge grin and a hearty handshake. "That was something else! A well-earned victory sir." When she gets hit by several blasts of healing energy she groans, "Oooh, that itches! Thank you though. I think I had a few broken ribs in that mess."
She turns to Danu and shakes the wizard's hand firmly. "Well met." She cocks her head. "Those braids in your hair. Ekujae?"
Danu stares at the hot muscle mommy and does her level best not to drool.
"Uh," she says suavely. "Yuh. Yes. Mom--uh. Ma'am."
"Ma'am!" Sigrun cries with mock disgust. "Honey, you're probably older than me."
She nudges Melech. "C'mon, I think this crowd will riot if they don't get to lead the victors to their spoils."
The crowd ushers the victorious duo down the pavilion to where a small makeshift stage has been set up. There, in full splendorous regalia, is Muminofrah, with a very irritated-looking Deka.
"All hail the victorious Obadiah and Danu!" Muminofrah bellows gleefully. "What a harrowing race! Danger unlooked-for at every corner! Even assassins on the roof! How terribly unexpected! I am delighted to see you all safe after that. And winners, as well! I chose my champions rightly, wouldn't you say, haty-a?"
"Yes, Your Grace," Deka says through clenched teeth. Her forced smile looks like the rictus grin of a skeleton. If looks could kill, the four of you would probably be disintegrated.
As if that wasn't enough to infuriate Deka, Muminofrah says, "Haty-a! The chest." Deka looks like she's ready to hit someone, and her neck is nearly red with shame as she reaches behind her and plucks up a modestly-sized sandstone chest, intricately carved with the image of a desert oasis, with a water pool made of sparkling topaz. Deka opens the chest for Danu and Obie.
Inside is a gem-encrusted gold camel. Muminofrah pulls it out, offers it to Obadiah, and absolutely showers his face with kisses, much to Danu's delight. The crowd cheers enthusiastically. "In addition, my dear Obadiah, you may keep the camel and chariot. Keep or sell them as you see fit, but a camel may come in handy one day!" She winks and chuckles.
"A celebration! Guards, bring drinks and food for these thirsty citizens! I want to celebrate my champion properly!"
Low tables and cushions are quickly scrounged up for the hundreds of people in attendance, with nearby taverns clamoring to offer up their best brews for the Fan-Bearer and her impromptu shindig. Soon the pavilion is packed with drunken revelers, though as noon creeps up, the oversized awnings become packed with clusters of people escaping the glaring sun as they laugh, sing, and talk excitedly about the absolute madness that was the chariot race.
Sigrun swats Melech on the arm. "C'mon. Let's find some booze and some shade, and catch up."
Obadiah endures Muminofrah's kisses, knowing that she has just gifted them a small fortune and not wanting to insult her. Once the onslaught has passed, he smiles, bows, and says, "Thank you, Excellency." When it is acceptable to do so, he extricates himself and joins Melech and the others.
After the harrowing race, Melech thinks that booze and shade sound like the two greatest possible stress relievers, and he says as much to Sigrun. Once seated, he doesn't waste any time. "Last we saw you, you were headed back to the Linnorm Kingdoms. How did you end up here?"