Retus listens to the chants and adds his own:
"Retus chop and Retus bite...more than Reta!
Retus slay and Retus fight...more than Reta!
Retus stab and Retus smite...more than Reta!
retus kills it all just righter than Reta!"
He had always hated having a name close to Reta's.
Chuffy sits in a corner, poking at a spider in a wire cage. Not wanting to be outdone, he stands up and gives his own song in a rasping voice.
"Chuffy’s face might make you sick,
But Chuffy’s knife is awful quick.
And if you are his stabby pick—
Then knife goes in you, stick stick stick!"
"Things go boom when Mogmurch throws,
Much more fun than using bows.
Sometimes where the boom boom blows
Is not my fault-that's how it goes!"
You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice.
You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks—fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down.
Then, this morning, Chief Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Mogmurch strides through the village with a smug look on his face. Of course the chief would call upon him! He is the best at making fire after all. However, his smug look is quickly replaced by one of outrage as he sees other goblins waiting outside. The alchemist starts to get that crazy look in his eyes as he begins hopping up and down, shouting "Hey! What you's doing here!? This supposed to be MY secret meeting with big, fat chief!"
Chuffy stands outside the chief's hut with a toad clenched firmly in his small hands.
"Hah, you no be hero alone! Me and Retus also been asked by chief," he proclaims proudly. "Chief must needs us to stab things for the feast, bring much food. Me go prove I'm best at food-stabbing. You watch!" He shows a grin that makes his mouth seem even wider than it is, straining the warts that dot his face.
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"Oh, you's has too much stuffs to carry? I thinks I can help with that." replies Mogmurch as he lightly tosses a bomb from one hand to the other.
Once again upset that Reta had beat him to the punch, Retus says "No no no no no! Retus kill everything Reta kill, then one more!"
You've gathered at the Moot House of His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle
Gutwad. A high pitched nasal voice, which you recognize as belonging to Slorb, the chief's advisor, bids you enter.
Inside, you pass a veritable museum of Licktoad heroics—trophies such as stolen weapons (rusted beyond usefulness), shiny bits of treasure (copper and glass), and the brine-pickled bodies of dozens of slaughtered small furry animals conquered in heroic battle (mostly dogs).
Eventually, you arrive to the see the Chief rising above you, balanced in the Great Teeter Chair. "Sit," Slorb directs. It's a great honor to sit in the dirt at the Chief's feet.
The Chief raises a hand calling for silence, and speaks directly to you. This is a great honor; you've only ever heard him speak through Slorb.
"You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have
picked you for a dangerous mission."
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to a place where Scribbleface found fireworks. And there are more fireworks there!"
“I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!”
With that, the Chief waves his hand and Slorb hurries you out without much time to bother the Chief with questions. Slorb passes you a map to the fireworks cache, before slamming the door behind you.
Your village is in Brinestump Marsh. The marsh is a place of great bounty, with lots of places to hide and lots of delicious things to eat. Some of those things are kind of poisonous, though, so take care. There are monsters, but running is always an option. Among the dangers that you can expect to face in are wild dogs, giant bugs giant snakes, and giant frogs. Oh, and Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many. And maybe Vorka the Cannibal.
Chuffy is suitable impressed by meeting the chief. He nods furiously at the chief's words, making a stabbing motion with his fist at the mention of everything they should kill. He seems a little distraught at the mention of the Lotslegs, but the very idea of not finding fireworks has him nodding his head again, even faster than before.
As they leave the chief's hut, Chuffy moves in close to Retus to look at the map. "Me smart goblin, know more than all of yous!"
He stares at the map for a moment, clearly disappointed. "Map no good, stupid map..." he mutters as he trails off. He sticks out his tongue at Reta before he's gone. "Fine, Reta lead first." Leader always killed first. Hehe. "You go sleep, like baby. Reta babybad! Hahaha." he taunts. "Me no need sleep, go win all games." With that, he stalks off, still making the occasional stabbing motion with his empty fist while dodging a series of invisible attacks.
Recognizing that the first step to getting out of Reta's shadow is to stop wearing a veil and corset, Retus promptly tears them off and throws them in the fire. He also puts in a set of false teeth he has acquired, just to differentiate himself even more.
After drinking the last half of the lady's perfume he has, he thinks he looks much less like Reta.
When he talks, his false teeth rattle and make him difficult to understand.
"Reta rot rin any rames. Retus rin rem all!"
Most of the village is busy getting ready for the feast. Goblins hurry to harvest slime, salt slugs, and stew mushrooms as they ready delicacies for the evening feast. With much yelling from Slorb, the village goblins toil all afternoon to build the bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface’s hut.
As night falls, a group of four struggling goblins carry the Teeter Chair (with Chief Gutwad sitting atop it) out to the bonfire. The chief lights the bonfire with a firework that shoots small balls of fire. He whispers a speech to Slorb, which Slorb mangles atrociously. The speech is thankfully short, but is mostly about how the chief is great at many things, including picking heroes, but if the heroes die it's their own fault.
The end of the speech signals the start of an all-night party that features lots of good things to eat (snails, fish, and snakes). Later in the feast, the chief brings out a barrel of fermenting cider apples early on and most goblins get drunk very quickly.
As the evening progresses other goblins begin daring you to show off why you were picked as being brave, and propose several dares. The chieftain (through Slorb) offers prizes from his hoard for the first winner of each challenge.
You can indulge in these dares or not as you wish. But the prizes are probably worth attempting.
The dares are:
- Dance with Squealy Nord. Ride the "big" boar the goblins have captured.
- Eat a bag of bull slugs real quick. Bull slugs are black, wriggling slugs the size of sausages, and foul tasting (even for goblins). Eat five in one minute.
- Hide or get clobbered. You hide. If other goblins find you, they hit you.
- The rusty Ear-Biter. Crawl through a coil of rusty wire, barrel hoops, bent swords, and thorns.
The goblins hoot and holler as they try to goad you into the challenges. They put their hands up, and sing their song (several horseflies fly away):
"Swing my club and pick my scab
You crash, you bleed, what fun we have.
Sing goblin song and wave (like yeah)
Or we get to beat the heroes heads!"
"Retus ride real rood!" Retus says, still wearing the false teeth but now without the veil and corset.
The goblin quickly jumps on the pig's back and rides around in circles for quite a few seconds, then jumps off. His false teeth fall off in the mud and pig droppings, but he quickly picks them up and puts them back in his mouth.
"Reat that, rest of rou!!!"
Mogmurch stares at Retus with the strangest expression on his face as he listens to the false teeth chatter. "And they thought I was nuts..." he quietly muses to himself.
Not to be outdone by the little weirdo, Mogmurch is next to hop into the pit with Squealy Nord.
Mogmurch hangs on like a pro, shouting Yeeha! Giddyup, bacon!"
Chuffy scratches at his head trying to decipher what Retus is saying, opening several boils while he does so. Once Mogmurch is done, Chuffy steps up.
"Mogmurch ride good,
but Chuffy too, look!
All goblins can ride,
expect maybe Poog..."
He gives a devilish grin on the punch line and then steps on the boar, holding on tight.
Disappointed by his result on Squealy Nord, Chuffy stalks off. Me show them, Chuffy best at hiding! Before long, Chuffy has found a hiding place inside an empty barrel. The only problem seems to be that he forgot to tell anyone he was going to hide...
Squealy Nord is a fearsome boar who lives in a muddy pit in the middle of the village, right next to the goblin baby cages.
Chuffy manages to hang on briefly before being thrown unceremoniously into the mud. Poog doesn't last nearly as long, the pig sliding out from underneath him before he even gets his weight set.
Mogmurch, Retus and Reta hang on impressively. Squeally Nord twists and turns, trying to throw them, but each manages in turn to last nearly 20 seconds before jumping off triumphantly. "Three heroes tame the fierce boar? Incredible." Even Slorb looks impressed. Maybe the chief didn't pick losers after all.
For their prowess, Chief Gutwad awards each of them a "Dragon Brew Gourd".
When Slorb notices Chuffy is missing, he asks any willing heroes to hide as well.
There is a bit of an unhealthy gleam in his eyes, however, and he starts passing out small clubs to the villagers tasked with finding.
Mogmurch take of into the underbrush, shouting "Ha, this be too easy! Mogmurch's bombs are the quietest of all!"
Chuffy sits quietly in his barrel, listening to the ruckus outside. Chuffy best sneak of ALL goblins!
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Once again, Slorb is impressed. Of course, he muses, Most of the searchers were drunk before the event began, so maybe these 'heroes' aren't that impressive after all.
Even after the event is over, it still takes several people scouring the village and calling Chuffy's name before he emerges, triumphant, almost in front of them. "Such great hero deserves great treasure!" says the Chief (through his mouthpiece, Slorb). "Take this Ring The Lets You Climb Real Good."
There are two more dares?
Mogmurch is enraged when the other goblins find him. "No fairs! You's cheated! Mogmurch hates cheaters!". He then lobs a bomb at the goblins as they race back to the village, killing them in the process.
Back at the village, Mogmurch isn't so sure about the bull slugs. "Eh, Mogmurch thinks he'll pass...uh...I mean Mogmurch too good at this! He knows he'll win for sure, so ot not be as fun!"
Bull slugs are black, wriggling slugs the size of sausages. Even among the goblins, they’re considered particularly foul-tasting and, because of the large amounts of slime they exude, difficult to chew. A covered wicker basket containing the slug bag is brought to Poog and Reta (and anyone else who wishes to try), along with a napkin made out of a soggy leaf.
Eating the slugs is not a problem, even though they wriggle, taste of rotten fish, and burst with a little squeal when chewed. Eating a full bag in a minute is the hard part.
No one found Moggy until after the game was over. Everyone was quite impressed with his hiding skills. He's truly a great goblin hero...
... even if he did just chuck a bomb at goblins from his own village.
Fortunately, none were too seriously injured, and most are too drunk to remember.
--
Chuffy looks awefully proud at his prize, jumping and throwing his hands in the air. He'll show the ring to whoever will see it. A Ring That Lets You Climb Real Good. Now me best sneak and best climb of all goblins!
Keen to try out his new ring, Chuffy declines to enter the Slug-eating contest by sticking out his tongue and making a yucky face. He then starts a tour of the village, climbing in a tree, on a stack of barrels, on one of the huts until he finally spots Reta. Chuffy can climb anything! He tries to get hold of her shoulders and wants to hoist himself up.
Having already completed one of the challenges, Retus pokes at the slugs carefully and removes their bladders before eating them.
He has mixed success in keeping them down.
With half a minute gone, Retus has successfully eaten only 2 of the slugs. The wriggle a bit too much, and he's being careful.
Retus manages to get a third slug down, but gags on the fourth as his time expires. He thinks he's going to be sick, but his stomach is made of sterner stuff than his performance indicates.
Poog and Reta race to see who can outgross the other. With half a minute gone they each have only eaten three of the slimey, vile things. Both gag when trying to get down the fourth, but soldier on, swallowing the next wriggling mass at the same time. Each has one slug left, with little time remaining. At the same time, they raise the slug their respective mouths, close their eyes, and gulp.
"It's a tie!" screams Slorb. "We no can have tie!"
He tries to pressure you to eat more slugs, but to poison bladders have made you sick.
Slorb puts his hands to his face, not knowing what to do. Fortunately, the wise Chief waves him over. "I have answer," the Chief says, through Slorb. "We can no feed you more slugs, for fear you explode. And exploded heroes can't go on mighty quest. So here what we do instead."
The chief waves an attendant forward, bearing a finely made dogslicer. "This be 'Gorge of Gluttons'," the Chief proclaims, again using Slorb as a mouthpiece. "You two, grasp hilt. Both hands."
"First, I think, maybe cut dogslicer in half. But no, me not like Chief Swallow-Man. Instead, I let go and you two solve problem, yes?!" With that, he gestures for the attendant to release his grasp on the sword. The attendant does so, and hurridly backs away.
Mogmurch throws back several cups of booze while he watches the others undertake the challenge, thinking to himself "Stupid gobbies. Why eat nasty bull when we have langshanks liquor?"
His smug look quickly turns to one of awe and envy as Slorb presents the trophy for the contest, though. However, be becomes quite excited as Slorb explains the tie-breaker. He hops up and down as he screams "Fight, fight, fight!" not really caring who wins.