"Reta barks loud but doesn't bite," Pussl says, showing all his teeth in a big grin. "She clutches and babbles at Old Foofelah, like babe at mam's leg an' we plug we's ears to escape babe's wailing." He shoves his fingers in his ears to demonstrate.
He pries Stink off a goblin's leg and follows after Chiggo. "Contest for Pussl!"
She turns to Pussl with a look of disdain. She points adamantly in the vicinity of Chiggo, not bothering to look if he's even still there. The mention of Old Foofelah then registers, She looks around, noticing she is still not around. A look of worry crosses her face, She draws out her dogslicer and then sniffs the air, checking to see if Stink is a dog. Not picking up a dog scent from him, she remains wary. Pointing her dogslicer at Pussl, She then looks back up on the teeter chair, She tells him whether he's there or not. She declares as she walks away.
She then heads toward the marsh, hoping she can find Old Foofelah before she gets old and dies, calling out her name the whole time.
Chiggo affects what is very close to a sigh and turns around as Reta begins her tirade.
"Chiggo enter contest. Chiggo win very much, then Reta look like fool. Maybe Reta enter contest. Maybe Reta enter bark like dog contest. That contest Reta win. Or maybe look like dog contest. Reta win that too!"
Before Reta can eviscerate him for his comments, Chiggo staggers up to the Teeter Chair and proclaims, "Chiggo want contest. Chiggo big hero. Chiggo not like Reta who smell like dog."
<Hic!!>
Slorb stares hard at Chiggo. "You want contest? Why not do earlier contest? You too coward?" He looks up at Chief Gutwad, who just nods. Slorb sighs. "Very well. Chief says you can have contest too."
He quickly climbs up the side of the Teeter Chair to listen to what the Chief has to say, then climbs back down to announce, "Chief says you must use the Spinning Chair That Makes You Feel Sick and not get sick. No goblin ever not get sick before. You fail. You might as well give up now. But if you don't give up, and you not throw up, then Chief Gutwad give you mystical Goo That Makes You Fall Down. Bring out the Spinning Chair!"
"Spinning Chair! Spinning Chair!" the goblins chant.
The Spinning Chair That Makes You Feel Sick is not really a chair. It's more like a stool in the centre of a spoked wheel. It's a new addition to the Licktoads' arsenal of artifacts (i.e. things found discarded in the swamp), only brought back a couple of weeks ago, and no one has any idea what it's really for.
Poog smirks and proclaims, "We Be Heroes!" Looking round to see if ol' Foofelah was back yet he adds, "Greatest heroes that Licktoads have seen in many waves of babies! Zarongel sings and screams with us!" Poog casts guidance on Chiggo and shoots his remaining firebolts into the air.
After several minutes of shouting, Reta hears a voice. It asks suspiciously, "You have club, Reta?"
Hearing Old Foofelah call out, she places her dogslicer back up. She giggles, still thinking that's the funniest thing. She tells her as she turns to head back.
Chiggo puffs his chest out, carefully putting his jug and torch down. "Chiggo not get sick. You see."
Chiggo climbs onto the stool, waving his arms at the (hopefully) cheering crowd.
Fort 1:
Fort 2:
Chiggo laughs in delight as he spins about. He lets one hand go to feel the breeze.
Fort 3:
Chiggo starts to wobble, and mutters, "Uh oh," before putting his hand back on the edge of the stool.
Fort 4:
Chiggo makes it almost to the end of his challenge before hurling fermented apples all over the goblins that are spinning the wheel.
As Chiggo climbs off the stool to a chorus of boos, slips in his own barf, and lands splat face first in the mud, his only consolation is that Reta is off looking for Old Foofeleh and wasn't here to see his humiliation.
Although he's sure others will tell the story...
Out in the marsh, there is a rustling sound, and then Old Foofelah appears, climbing out of her hiding place with a throaty chuckle. "I know you not lying to me, Reta. You is not smart enough to trick Old Foofelah. Old Foofelah saw two goblins looking for her," she holds up three fingers, "but they not see Old Foofelah. They is still looking." She waves her hand out into the marsh. "Old Foofelah is the sneaksiest goblin of all. The older goblins get, the sneaksier they get, and Old Foofelah is oldest goblin ever." Having satisfied her immediate impulse to gloat, she joins Reta in heading back to the rest of the Licktoads. "Old Foofelah goes back to get her prize now."
She giggles at the mention of the goblins still looking. She says, quite proud of Old Foofelah's hiding ability.
When they make it back to camp, Reta eyes for Chiggo. She asks out loud looking around. Seeing Poog,
Old Foofelah ignores Chiggo lying in a puddle of his own vomit and approaches the Teeter Chair, banging on it energetically with her walking stick. "Fat Slorb! Where Fat Slorb? You give Old Foofelah prize now, Fat Slorb! Old Foofelah is sneaksiest goblin in Licktoad tribe!"
Poog points to a waddly and slightly deflated Chiggo, "He was great! Zarongel helped him up the spinni wheel; but Chiggo hear you come back from mile away and got sick an puked it. Why you shout so much?"
Poog points to a waddly and slightly deflated Chiggo, "He was great! Zarongel helped him up the spinni wheel; but Chiggo hear you come back from mile away and got sick an puked it. Why you shout so much?"
Reta looks down at the deflated Chiggo and then turns back to Poog. She asks as she turns and sees Old Foofelah banging on the Teeter chair, screaming for Slorb. Forgetting about Poog, Reta moves over to help. Her gaze moving around, she gets distracted again when she notices that Chiggo is not looking so well. Moving towards him, She asks with a hopeful look.
Slorb looks at Old Foofelah in confusion. "Prize? What prize?" When she doesn't hear him, he repeats, "WHAT PRIZE?" Then he suddenly remembers. "OH! YOU WANT RING THAT LETS YOU CLIMB REAL GOOD! FINE THEN!"
He stomps off into the Moot House and comes back a few minutes later with the ring for Old Foofelah. "YOU REMEMBER, THIS IS JUST LOAN! YOU GIVE BACK TO CHIEF GUTWAD WHEN YOU COME BACK! IF YOU COME BACK."
"Old Foofelah will come back," she says resentfully, clutching at the ring. "Come back and bring Vorka, see if she still have taste for Licktoad chiefs...." She slides the ring on her finger and admires her hand.
Chuffy returns to the party. His prize has fresh blood on it.
Reta catches Chuffy walk up, noticing the blood on his new blade, momentarily forgetting about Chiggo. She says a bit quieter, with a big smile on her face. She claps. As her attention refocuses, she remembers Chiggo again.
Chiggo gingerly gets to his feet. He looks up at Reta with all the pride he can muster. "Chiggo make good attempt. Chiggo do hard contest, not easy like Reta's or Fool-felah." He then attempts to will more bile and vomit from within as he looks at Reta, but alas, the gods do not allow him to hurl fermented apples on the obnoxious woman. He picks up his torch and jug and walks, proudly but drunkenly, to get a refill on apples.
Reta smiles. She says as she herself turns and skips away, her little bridal dress just flowing in the wind, back to where Old Foofelah is.
Chiggo heads over to Poog, Chuffy, and Pussl. "Chiggo not understand women. Women too strange."
Chiggo heads over to Poog, Chuffy, and Pussl. "Chiggo not understand women. Women too strange."
Lurty, who's standing nearby, scowls at Chiggo, marches over to him, and kicks him in the knee. "We not strange. You just stoopids." Then, for good measure, she turns and kicks Pussl, too. She's about to kick Chuffy, but notices the blood on his new dogslicer. She slowly lowers her foot back to the ground without hitting Chuffy.
Then she spins to face Pussl again. "YOU! You not prove you hero yet!" She points at Chiggo. "He not prove he hero either but at least he try." For added emphasis, she kicks Chiggo again and turns back to Pussl. "You not even try yet." She kicks Pussl. "You better try!"
She stops to think for a moment. When she doesn't get an idea immediately, she kicks Pussl again. "Oh, I know! Holding breath contest! Old Foofelah once say old chief could hold breath under water for whole day without dying. Me know you can't do that. But if you can hold breath for whole night without dying, you prove you hero. I go get bucket of water now." She marches off to find some water.
Stink growls and is only restrained at a sharp command from Pussl. "You kick Pussl, you wake up missing foot one day. Pussl take challenge if challenge not stupid. Pussl not just hero, Pussl smart hero."
Reta toying with a live mole she just found, turns when she hears the commotion. Seeing Lurty give the what for to the others, she absentmindedly drops the mole and quickly moves over there. Giggling at all the kicking Lurty is doing, Reta cheers on the new contest. She states as a matter of fact as she sniffs again, still wondering about Stink, and still unable to pick up any kind of dog scent. She remains ever wary though.
"Underwater contest?" one of the other goblins, hearing Reta's clamour, says. Several other goblins look up too.
Lurty comes skipping back with a bucket of water.
"Underwater contest! Underwater contest!" the goblins chant.
Slorb climbs up the side of the Teeter Chair and listens to Chief Gutwad's pronouncement. The chief is quite obviously snickering as he whispers to his advisor. Slorb then climbs down and says, "Chief Gutwad think this is excellent test of heroness. In fact, he say if you can hold breath all night and not die, then you prove you are bestest goblin hero ever. Even better than fake heroes Old Foofelah talk about. He say if you do this, he let you be chief for rest of your life."
The other goblins cheer and resume their chant: "Underwater contest! Underwater contest!"
Pussl spits on the ground. "Chief? Pussl not want to be chief. Chief gets fat and lazy, sit in big chair and have Foofelah shout at him all the time. Chief no reward."
"Give true contest, true reward. Pussl not stupid to take stupid contest and stupid reward."
"Baah! How does underwater contest help slay dogs, make fire or ride? Zarongel say this is stupid contest. Poog agrees. And Dogfinder too. See? That is four of us!"
Old Foofelah has been peering at Pussl as the others are taunting him. Now she speaks up. "Old Foofelah remembers this one," she says, stabbing in his general direction with her walking stick. "Old Foofelah said leave it in the swamp, and for once Licktoads listened to Old Foofelah." She waddles over to Pussl and glares at him accusingly. "Why you not die, like Licktoads decree?"
"Because Pussl better and smarter than Old Fool. He survive swamps to show you were stoopids to send him there!"
Chiggo crosses his arms, looking quite pleased with this bit of profound logic.
Foofelah seems not to hear anything Chiggo is muttering. "Old Foofelah thinks this one is traitor," she pronounces, her voice rising to a shriek. "Fat Slorb! Licktoads decreed this one to die, and he refuse! What you doing out there in swamp all this time?" she asks Pussl suspiciously. "Writing? Loving dogs and petting them and taking them for walks on strings?"
Slorb comes forward between Old Foofelah and Pussl. "CHIEF GUTWAD CHOOSE PUSSL TO GO ON QUEST BECAUSE HE SURVIVE SWAMP. THAT MAKE HIM GREAT GOBLIN HERO." Slorb turns to face Pussl and says, "However, I think you coward hero because you not do contest."
Slorb then moves away from both of them and addresses the entire tribe. "CHIEF GUTWAD SAY CONTESTS OVER NOW! PUSSL IS COWARD, BUT HE ALSO HERO COWARD MAYBE! NOW WE SING AND PARTY MORE, THEN SLEEP!"
There's a brief chant of "Pussl coward! Pussl coward!", but it gradually turns into the Licktoad tribal song:
We be Licktoads! We make raid!
Put the longshanks to the blade!
Burn them up from feet to head,
Make them hurt, then make them dead!
Cut the parents into ham,
Smush the babies into jam,
All the rest in pot get stewed,
We be licktoads--you be food!
Reta gasp. Her eyes go narrow at the horrible thought, as she slowly turns to Pussl. She fumes at the thought of such dog love, while never even bothering with the writing accusation. She points to Stink. She shrugs.
As Slorb comes out and declares Pussl a coward, Reta joins in song, clapping as they sing. Then an idea comes across her small, tiny, little mind. She claps as if it's a fantastic idea. She claims as if that is truly original.
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Hmph! I've been watching these proceedings and I must say, you horrid goblins are a contemptible lot! Your behavior is most unseemly, and if I were there, I would punish you all with a time-out!
You hoodlums are disgraceful, and merely confirm my disdain for your foolish and slapdash thuggery! Goblins are a mean and childish race, not worthy of the glory so often associated with gnomes, the most magical and delightful of all the races!
I say! Such monsters! Well, I never.... Harumph!
Slorb contemplates a moment. "A singing contest for Pussl Coward?" He starts to shake his head, but Chief Gutwad raises his hand and nods. "Fine," Slorb says sulkily. He climbs the side of the Teeter Chair to listen to what the Chief has to say.
When he comes back down, he says, "Chief Gutwad say if Pussl make good song then Pussl get some of Chief's Personal Gross-Tasting Get Better Drink. But he has to make it up fast. And he has to sing it good!"
Reta claps with delight. She says, her chin held high, seemingly quite proud of herself.
Poog claps Pussl behind the ears, "Now you gone done it! If you sing about killing dogs with fire, then maybe Great Zarongel will not hate you anymore."
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Pussl steps forward to take the challenge, glowering at all the goblins who insulted him. Stink moves up behind him, growling fiercely with his hackles standing up.
With one hand in the air, Pussl begins to sing.
"Me be Pussl, me be brave,
get in me way you dig your grave!
Stink be pet he do be foul,
anger him not he'll do more than growl.
Bite you, scratch you, tear you up,
Stink is wolverine, not a pup!
Left in swamp, little Pussl did not die,
Foolish old Foofelah may wonder why!
Pussl smart and strong, he knows enough,
he masters plants and animals, all that stuff!"
Pussl gestures to Stink with one hand, extending two fingers up and then down. The wolverine stands up and then lowers his front legs, appearing to bow to Pussl. At the same time, Pussl makes a motion with the other hand and a group of goblins who had been mocking him suddenly find themselves surrounded by plants reaching for their legs and arms, entangling them where they stand.
With scarcely a pause, Pussl continues his song.
"As Chief instructs, Pussl obey,
he'll find the fireworks and win the day!"
Foofelah squints at Pussl, her hand to her ear. "When traitor start singing, Reta?"
Reta giggles at Old Foofelah. She concludes. She says as she giggles even more. Then remembering he needs his prize, She demands.
The goblins clap and cheer uproariously as Pussl finishes his song. Several of them attempt to sing it again (although changing a lot of the words since they just don't remember what he sang), while several more scream as the plants wrap around them and pick them up.
Even Slorb looks impressed until Reta distracts him. Then he tries to look unimpressed. "His song not that good, but since rest of you stupids think it good, then I guess he get prize."
Slorb wanders off and returns shortly with a waterskin that he holds away from himself as much as he can so as to try to keep the smell away. And it is quite stinky.
"Bah!" Foofelah scoffs. "Traitor is probably spy for Birdcrunchers. They already stealed our Limbbiter; now they is after something else." She glares at Pussl suspiciously.
Chiggo laughs at his own joke as he cheers Pussl's song.
Catching only part of what Old Foofelah said, Reta's eyes narrow at the thought. Reta then notices Chiggo, She looks around. She giggles. She then thinks a moment on Chiggo's statement, completely losing her train of thought. She says as if that's just silly. But then thinking on it a moment she can't help herself but ask, She asks with a look of wonderment, already figuring she can.
Having finally spoken loudly enough for Old Foofelah to hear him, Chiggo now has the old goblin's attention. "You is right, Chiggo Firelungs," she says, advancing on him. "Of course Birdcrunchers is wanting to steal Old Foofelah. Does Birdcrunchers have oldest goblin ever in tribe? No, they does not. Birdcrunchers goblins is so stupid they is blowing themselves up before they ever get as old as Old Foofelah. They is not as clever and sneaksy as Licktoads. Birdcrunchers always stalking Old Foofelah, hoping to steals her for their own, to give them good advice, tell them which chiefs to leave in the swamp and which to keep. Birdcrunchers would listen to Old Foofelah, yes, they would. But they cannot! Old Foofelah is Licktoad, not stupid Birdcruncher!"
Pussl takes the waterskin and tucks it away with a wide grin. "Pussl sing good. Too bad words too big for some."
He winces at Reta's booming voice and moves away from her.
The party continues on with more singing that gets worse and worse as the goblins get drunker and drunker and slowly pass out...
In the morning, you are all summoned to the Moot House to see Chief Gutwad one last time before you set out.
"Get fireworks and bring them here to me!" he says. Lying by the foot of the Teeter Chair are the remaining fireworks from Scribbleface's stash, which you are allowed to take with you and use, if necessary, to help acquire the big stash of fireworks.
Poog lifts the big skyrocket. "Zarongel say Poog carry horsefister!" He grins evilly, a little 3-foot menace to sobriety. "Let's go!" Poog is evidently a morning person. Much like most goblins, who go into fits of small-minded yet creative malignancy the moment their eyes open.
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Such undignified behavoir! Most uncouth. Well, I never! Harumph!
Reta takes in all the fantastic looking explosives. She pantomines her explosion sequence again. With that she reminds herself of Chiggo's fire breathing, She giggles a bit at the thought, She proclaims.