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I wonder what my parents did to pass the time before the invention of the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, but they didn't have any idea either.
Edit: One can assume they passed the time nekkid. And no, I did not plan this one to be top of the page, it was just lucky.
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A man walks into the room out of breath. He tells his wife "Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago." His wife says "15 minutes! Why did you take so long to tell me?" He replies "It took me this long to stop laughing."
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An elderly couple are in the doctor's office. The doctor tells the husband that he needs a urine sample, stool sample, and blood sample. The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks what the doctor said. The woman tells him "The doctor said he needs to borrow your underwear."
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A teacher asked her students "What is the difference between and challenge and a problem?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said "3 boys and 1 girl is a problem. 3 girls and 1 boy is a challenge."
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old were sitting in their room one morning. The 7 year old said "You know, I think it's time we started swearing. I'll swear first at breakfast, and then you swear. Deal?" The 4 year old agreed. They then went down to the kitchen. They're mother asked the 7 year old "What do you want for breakfast?" The 7 year old said "I'll have some Coco Puffs, b%&*+." *SMACK* The mom slapped the boy in the face. She turned to the 4 year old and said sternly "What do you want for breakfast?" The 4 year old replied "I don't know, but I'm pretty sure a don't want any f#*%ing Coco Puffs."
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Two guys, one large and muscular the other smaller, are drinking in a bar and started arguing. The smaller one said "Yeah, well, I've slept with your mother!" The rest of the bar grew quiet and turned to see what the large man would do. He just sat there. The smaller man stood up, pushed the larger man on the shoulder and yelled "Did you hear me? I said I'VE SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!" The large man sighed, looked at the smaller man, and said "Go home, Dad. You're drunk."
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The other day my wife said to me "My mom's birthday is coming up soon. We should get her something. When I talked to her the other day she said she would like something electric." I said "How about a chair?"
I'm pretty sure I'm sleeping on the couch for at least a week.
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A little boy got a toy plane for his birthday. He loved his plane, and would play with it constantly. One day, his mom was in the kitchen doing dishes and heard her son in the living room playing with his plane. He said "Vroom, vroom. This is the pilot. Any m%~*#~~#$@*$s who want off, get off. Any m##&$+++&@##s who want on, get on." His mother is upset by this, so she goes into the living room, takes the plane away, sits the boy in the corner and said "You're in time out right now. And if you use that kind of language again, you'll never get the plane back." After 15 minutes, the mother gives him the plane back. She returns to the kitchen as he starts playing again. She hears him say "Vroom, vroom. Any of you nice people who want off, can get off. Any of you nice people who want on, can get on. Anyone who is upset about the 15 minute delay, can talk to the b++@~ in the kitchen."
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I'm feeling a little guilty, I lied on my tax form. I listed myself as head of household, when clearly it's my wife.
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I was astonished when my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well. I had no idea those things actually worked.
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Two cannibals are having dinner when one of them says "I hate my mother-in-law." The other says "Then just eat the potatoes."
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Marriage is like a war were you sleep with the enemy.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Marriage is like a war were you sleep with the enemy. So it's literally just war then.
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Is a spellcaster who specializes in causing lesions and ulcers a sore-cerer?
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gran rey de los nekkid wrote: I wonder what my parents did to pass the time before the invention of the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, but they didn't have any idea either.
Edit: One can assume they passed the time nekkid. And no, I did not plan this one to be top of the page, it was just lucky.
My grandparents had 11 children. And for what I know, I can figure out that it was because they tried a lot xD
And since I don't have a TV at home, nor a proper PC my life is waaaay more interesting.
So I can confirm what the joke says xD
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Impus Major, muttering to himself this morning: "The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is to vomit loudly for all to hear."
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How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to say "I never use it, why should I have to change it?" and two to whine "But I changed it last time!"
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My coworker came up to me the other day looking depressed. I asked what was wrong and he said "I got drunk at my uncle's wedding this weekend, and I think I slept with my third cousin." I said "Well, if that's what's worrying you, stop counting."
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An overweight man is watching late night TV and sees a commercial for a program that guarantees you will lose 10 lbs in a week. Skeptical, he signs up anyways. The next morning, the doorbell rings and standing on his porch is a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes. She says to him "If you can catch me, you can have sex with me" and then starts jogging away. He chases after her, but cannot catch her. This happens every morning for a week, and the end of which he has lost 10 lbs. He signs up for the next level of the program, which guarantees 15 lbs of weight loss in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful is there, wearing nothing but running shoes and says "If you can catch me, you can have sex with me" then takes off running. He chases, but again cannot catch her. This happens every day for a week, at the end of which he has lost another 15 lbs. Excited by the progress, he signs up for the highest level of the program, which guarantees 25 lbs of weight loss in a week. The next morning the doorbell rings, and he answers it to find a 300 lb muscle-man standing there. The man is wearing nothing but running shoes, and has a massive erection. He says "If I catch you, I get to have sex with you." The man lost 40 lbs that week.
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A man is upset with how much his son lies, so he buys a special lie detecting robot that slaps anyone who tells a lie. That night at dinner he says to his son "What did you do today?" The son says "I went to school." *SLAP* The robot slaps him. The son says "OK, I went to Billy's house and watched a movie." "What movie did you watch?" asks the father. The son says "Harry Potter" *SLAP* The robot slaps the son. "Fine," says the son, "we watched porn." The father says "What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was." *SLAP* The robot slaps the father. The mom laughs and says "Ha ha! He is your son after all." *SLAP*
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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married young and had 15 children before her husband died. She remarried and had 15 more children with her 2nd husband, and then he also died. A few years later, Maria passed away. At her funeral, the priest looked heavenward and said "At last, they are finally together." Maria's sister went up to the priest after the service and asked "Excuse me, Father, but when you said that 'they are finally together' did you mean Maria and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest looked her in the eyes and said "I meant her legs."
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You are on a horse, galloping forward at a constant speed. On your right is a sharp drop-off. On your left is an elephant keeping pace with your horse. In front of you is another horse, but yours is neither overtaking or falling behind. Behind you is a lion, which is also maintaining a constant distance from you. How do you get out of this dangerous situation? You wait for the merry-go-round to stop and then get your drunk ass home.
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Kileanna wrote: gran rey de los nekkid wrote: I wonder what my parents did to pass the time before the invention of the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, but they didn't have any idea either.
Edit: One can assume they passed the time nekkid. And no, I did not plan this one to be top of the page, it was just lucky.
My grandparents had 11 children. And for what I know, I can figure out that it was because they tried a lot xD
And since I don't have a TV at home, nor a proper PC my life is waaaay more interesting.
So I can confirm what the joke says xD Lucky you. And your roommate.
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Come on, people! I'm doing my best, but I can't carry the whole thread all night, every night.
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Eventually I'll run out of jokes.
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Or my fingers will fall off from all the typing.
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Doesn't anyone have any birthday stories?
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Or want to join my following so I have an excuse to look up sexy cosplays?
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Not that I need an excuse to look up sexy cosplays, but if I have an excuse it makes it easier to justify.
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We cans helps by being adorable!
*2d4 ⇒ (3, 4) = 7 Slaadlings start batting at the curtain strings*
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Or you can cling tenaciously to my buttocks!
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I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.
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My name's not Dave. How would you like a delicious breakfast made of Powdered Toast? It's full of Vitamin F!
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Do you have a sexy cosplay for me?
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Zurgas wrote: Do you have a sexy cosplay for me? Ohh, just what I need. I horny follower. I'll see if I can find something for you.
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HAL 9000 wrote: I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave. Of course you can't. You don't have any hands.
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Punniculus wrote: Zurgas wrote: Do you have a sexy cosplay for me? Ohh, just what I need. I horny follower. I'll see if I can find something for you. Don't Google 'Sexy Minotaur Costume'.
Don't do it!
Don't!
I mean it.
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Punniculus wrote: Zurgas wrote: Do you have a sexy cosplay for me? Ohh, just what I need. I horny follower. I'll see if I can find something for you. The blonde half kender came to me wearing nothing but a red nose and said that if joined this cult I'll have anwers to all the questions that worry me, like why are humans so obsessed with the word "ass". So I decided to give a try.
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Limeylongears wrote: Punniculus wrote: Zurgas wrote: Do you have a sexy cosplay for me? Ohh, just what I need. I horny follower. I'll see if I can find something for you. Don't Google 'Sexy Minotaur Costume'.
Don't do it!
Don't!
I mean it. Too late. Already did.
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Zurgas wrote: Punniculus wrote: Zurgas wrote: Do you have a sexy cosplay for me? Ohh, just what I need. I horny follower. I'll see if I can find something for you. The blonde half kender came to me wearing nothing but a red nose and said that if joined this cult I'll have anwers to all the questions that worry me, like why are humans so obsessed with the word "ass". So I decided to give a try. Ah, yes. That is a very good question. Unfortunately, you have to be a member of the 3rd Ring of my Circus in order to earn the answer. But, I am nothing if not generous, so I'll give you a hint.
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Also, if you'd like, I can get one of those red noses.
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Punniculus wrote: We have this option.
Here's another
This one might take some effort, but I think we can manage.
Sorry, the last one is not an option! I already borrowed the headgear!
(And I cannot see the second)
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Punniculus wrote: Also, if you'd like, I can get one of those red noses. Red noses are for reindeers, not for proud minotaurs!
Once my friend Valinor and I went into a small village and made an experiment to try to prove that humans are way too obsessed with asses.
So we got there and ran all over the town yelling "ass".
People went insane, they ran away and got into their houses like we were going to kill them or something.
That proves that humans are way too obsessed with asses.
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Ylenia, Fashion Designer wrote: Punniculus wrote: We have this option.
Here's another
This one might take some effort, but I think we can manage.
Sorry, the last one is not an option! I already borrowed the headgear!
(And I cannot see the second) I fixed a coding error (I accidentally put a } in there somehow), so it ought to work now. Not that it matters that much, it's the same picture Limeylongears linked. Apparently we both found it at the same time.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Kileanna wrote: gran rey de los nekkid wrote: I wonder what my parents did to pass the time before the invention of the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, but they didn't have any idea either.
Edit: One can assume they passed the time nekkid. And no, I did not plan this one to be top of the page, it was just lucky.
My grandparents had 11 children. And for what I know, I can figure out that it was because they tried a lot xD
And since I don't have a TV at home, nor a proper PC my life is waaaay more interesting.
So I can confirm what the joke says xD Lucky you. And your roommate. Well, we have a TV waiting for us since the last year, but we don't have the courage to bring it home. It could alter our... routines.
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Zurgas wrote: Punniculus wrote: Also, if you'd like, I can get one of those red noses. Red noses are for reindeers, not for proud minotaurs!
Once my friend Valinor and I went into a small village and made an experiment to try to prove that humans are way too obsessed with asses.
So we got there and ran all over the town yelling "ass".
People went insane, they ran away and got into their houses like we were going to kill them or something.
That proves that humans are way too obsessed with asses. Red noses are for anyone who with a cold. Or who wishes to show their reverence for me in that way. They aren't required for my followers, but are encouraged for some clergy.
Perhaps the humans in that town were afraid that you were looking for some sex, and were unwilling to assist you?
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Dalindra wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: Kileanna wrote: gran rey de los nekkid wrote: I wonder what my parents did to pass the time before the invention of the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, but they didn't have any idea either.
Edit: One can assume they passed the time nekkid. And no, I did not plan this one to be top of the page, it was just lucky.
My grandparents had 11 children. And for what I know, I can figure out that it was because they tried a lot xD
And since I don't have a TV at home, nor a proper PC my life is waaaay more interesting.
So I can confirm what the joke says xD Lucky you. And your roommate. Well, we have a TV waiting for us since the last year, but we don't have the courage to bring it home. It could alter our... routines. Don't bring the TV home. I'm sure your routines are much more interesting. And would probably win gold in the floor exercise at the Olympics.
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Zurgas wrote: Do you have a sexy cosplay for me? This one has a certain sophistication to it. Again, it may take a little work, but I think it's possible.
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Punniculus wrote: Zurgas wrote: Punniculus wrote: Also, if you'd like, I can get one of those red noses. Red noses are for reindeers, not for proud minotaurs!
Once my friend Valinor and I went into a small village and made an experiment to try to prove that humans are way too obsessed with asses.
So we got there and ran all over the town yelling "ass".
People went insane, they ran away and got into their houses like we were going to kill them or something.
That proves that humans are way too obsessed with asses. Red noses are for anyone who with a cold. Or who wishes to show their reverence for me in that way. They aren't required for my followers, but are encouraged for some clergy.
Perhaps the humans in that town were afraid that you were looking for some sex, and were unwilling to assist you? Why would I want to have sex with a hairless monkey is something that escapes my understanding.
(Actually, they didn't even care about what Zurgas was yelling. Minotaurs are seen as violent and ruthless creatures and having one with a scythe running around yelling something was enough motivation for everybody running away. And as Zurgas enjoys looking intimidating he never tried to look non threatening while doing this)
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